Never Again

[BTDT2012]

Oh no, I went to eat and have one beer with my co-worker. I don't sit at bars to drink while on the road! I'll go to eat if it's the only option, and that was the only option. The bar area was the only place to sit at that moment, so I ate, chatted with my male co-worker and planned on going to bed. She sat down when the seat next to me opened up and my co-worker said later she was eyeing the whole bar before sitting next to me, and then proceeded to eye me up and down before striking up a conversation with me out of the blue. Yes, I responded. I was right in the middle of my dessert when she sat down. Then my co-worker left and I finished up while chatting with her and I promptly paid my bill, said goodnight and left.

 

I wasn't enjoying the smiles! I was becoming noticeably upset and angry with the fact that she was obviously trolling at a bar and was married, hitting on me! (You know my story). I immediately came to this site afterward and will tell my BW in person what happened when I see her in a few hours.

 

It just sickens me that infidelity seems to be ubiquitous in airport bars away from home where married men and women professionals are traveling solo and are looking for a quick hookup. It's disgusting, and now that I have been exposed to it, it is that much easier to spot.

 

I guess I could've ordered room service...

 

And Birdies, I think I've shown an example of WHAT TO DO in this situation. I left! There was only one other option in that scenario, so how am I NOT doing the work?

 

I think you handled the situation fairly well. I don't expect that my WH will never have a conversation with a woman. You went there with male friend, not looking for companionship. Next time though, don't carry on a conversation. Monosyllabic responses will usually stop conversation in its tracks. And please let us know what your wife's reaction is.

[Allregrets]

Man, I didn't want to threadjack the other thread but here it goes, take it or leave it.

 

You said that you chatted with that woman , nothing was happening. BUT did you think for a split second that the very second that other random woman was feeling you up and you were enjoying the conversation, your wife could be crying her eyes out , having a sleepless night because of what you did to her and worrying what you were up to when away?When you are not with your wife, you are carrying her dignity, respect on your shoulders.

 

You probably felt disgusted only after she told you that she was married? If she was single / divorced etc., you wouldnt have felt disgusted? You are taken, right?

 

She was the one who approached you and started touching you,of all the men there. Why? Because you probably give out the vibes of being available. Open body language, darting/wandering eyes, checking women up and down,among others are a signal that you are on the look.

 

And yeah, you need to start socializing with half the population of men and delete the other half of population aka women IF you want any chance of true reconciliation and regaining your wife's trust otherwise you are doomed.

 

So yeah, a lot was happening when you chatted her up.

 

If you can't give up the bar scene and having never getting to speak to half the population ( other women ), you are wasting your and your wife's time.You can find another woman who would ' allow ' you to have this lifestyle.Most likely you wont be able to but at least you both acknowledge the reason and can separate easily.

 

You will do a favor to both your wife and yourself by leaving.Read Overtaxed post over there.He is spot on.

Wow. Just wow. This has gone simply too far. It's like everyone is playing Monday morning quarterback and has no idea about the circumstances.

 

I went to eat with my co-worker. This establishment also serves drinks. It's not some smutty bar with men and women drooling all over each other.

 

I ate dinner. I ate desert. Amazing really. I asked for it to go but the waiter said, "oh no, you can't take this type of desert to your room." Okay, fair enough.

 

Woman sits down next to me. Eyes me up. Guess what I'm doing? I'm eating my desert! I have peripheral vision, (I can see what she's doing) and furthermore this was confirmed by my co-worker.

 

She said something like, "mmmm, that's looks really good." I responded, while watching TV, "yes, it is."

 

Then she prods, and I respond.. we chat briefly. She has teenage children, etc.

 

I make small talk, finish my desert, notices she's flirting with me.

 

I ask for check! I sign receipt! I leave! I go up to my room. I came here to seek advice. I am fine. I told my wife. She laughed! Yes! She shook her head and said, "those bar women." We smiled. I told her I loved her. She said the same to me.

 

I don't hang out in bars!

 

End of story.

 

I am doing the work.

 

-Allregrets

[Allregrets]

I think you handled the situation fairly well. I don't expect that my WH will never have a conversation with a woman. You went there with male friend, not looking for companionship. Next time though, don't carry on a conversation. Monosyllabic responses will usually stop conversation in its tracks. And please let us know what your wife's reaction is.

Thank you!

 

I responded to the OP prior to you, so I'll paste it here.

 

I told my wife. She laughed! Yes! She shook her head and said, "those bar women." We smiled. I told her I loved her. She said the same to me.

 

End.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Wow. Just wow. This has gone simply too far. It's like everyone is playing Monday morning quarterback and has no idea about the circumstances.

 

I went to eat with my co-worker. This establishment also serves drinks. It's not some smutty bar with men and women drooling all over each other.

 

I ate dinner. I ate desert. Amazing really. I asked for it to go but the waiter said, "oh no, you can't take this type of desert to your room." Okay, fair enough.

 

Woman sits down next to me. Eyes me up. Guess what I'm doing? I'm eating my desert! I have peripheral vision, (I can see what she's doing) and furthermore this was confirmed by my co-worker.

 

She said something like, "mmmm, that's looks really good." I responded, while watching TV, "yes, it is."

 

Then she prods, and I respond.. we chat briefly. She has teenage children, etc.

 

I make small talk, finish my desert, notices she's flirting with me.

 

I ask for check! I sign receipt! I leave! I go up to my room. I came here to seek advice. I am fine. I told my wife. She laughed! Yes! She shook her head and said, "those bar women." We smiled. I told her I loved her. She said the same to me.

 

I don't hang out in bars!

 

End of story.

 

I am doing the work.

 

-Allregrets

 

Allregrets...

 

just to help you get things in perspective around here.

 

My husband came to a forum asking how to know your wife is remorseful....this was back in 2013.. my affair had been 30 years prior and we had been married 41 years.

 

you would not beleive how many folks told him to divorce me....and then i also joined and you would not believe the attacks i endured.

 

Look...we all make mistakes in reconciliation...and no one knows the dynamics of your personal relationship with your betrayed spouse.

 

YOu did not come here asking for help or advice...you came here to share your story.

 

If you find some of the posts helpful...great...and for those posts that you find ridiculous...ignore them and move on.

 

You can ask moderation to lock or even remove this thread if you find it bothersome.

 

Best of luck to you

[I4givehim]

I wish you and your wife the best of luck.

[donbar]

How are things progressing for you Allregrets? I wonder since our story is so similar...

Do you miss the OW?

Is your marriage/reconciliation working?

[Allregrets]

How are things progressing for you Allregrets? I wonder since our story is so similar...

Do you miss the OW?

Is your marriage/reconciliation working?

Hello donbar,

 

US:

 

All is well with us, thank you for asking. We are closer than we have been in many years. We try and go out on dates at least once a week (been averaging lately a date every ten days or so). This usually includes going out for lunch, at least a 2-mile walk with no phones, visiting a store where we buy something useful for the family (such as our new hammock on Wed) or meeting up with friends at a local restaurant (yesterday). We have incorporated more together time over the past few months and she has told me on many occasion that she feels much closer to me. A positive outcome of our "closeness" is increased frequency in sex in the bedroom. I would say we are sexually intimate at least twice a week, sometimes more. Before it was once a quarter. We are also starting a small business together (she currently has her own successful business and I had a few in the past) that combines her strengths with my strengths. The brainstorming and researching alone have created a strong bond between us both professionally and personally.

 

HER (BW)

 

She has triggers every once in a while but they are seldom. She hasn't cried in a while, but did the other day on the couch while I was beside her and I did my best to console her. She is a strong woman, a fantastic resilient mother who has a heart of gold. She doesn't deserve me. She is a wonderful person; a rare person indeed. Every day I realize what I have, and almost lost. I tell her this often. Occasionally she will see a photo of a picture I took that is now online and asks if my AP was there when I took it. I assure her that all of the photos I took while in the presence of my xAP have been deleted forever (and they have). We still need to get back into MC but have been so busy with our children who are ending school and are getting ready to go on summer vacation next week. We have been planning summer camps for the kids and are mapping out a few vacations over the next few months, including a surprise trip on our 10-year anniversary where I am hoping we can get away for a few days to someplace special that she hasn't been to in a long time. Hoping my brother and his wife can watch our children while I surprise my wife.

 

ME:

 

I am doing fine. I am focusing on building my new side business with my wife (and have a full time job too). I have stopped listening to many people in my life (including my father) who were pulling me in other directions on career, moving, etc. We are NOT moving. In fact, we are adding on to our house! I am in control of my family again. I focus on myself and most importantly my family. We are in this boat together and I will see fit that my children have a loving home where they can learn and grow to one day become great adults. I feel like coaching my kids on freestyle swimming - something that I have really taken to lately as part of my triathlon lifestyle. I think it can open a lot of doors later in college with perhaps a scholarship. They are built like swimmers and have seen their dad come across the IronMan finish line now twice.

 

The bad:

 

During idle times when my mind begins to wander, I can commonly think about my xAP. I have absolutely NO contact with her whatsoever but I still think about her. It is a tremendous addiction. After almost 4 months of NC with her, my mind has relegated the thoughts to mostly sexual, as that was a large component and foundation of our A. 75% of those thoughts are exclusively sexual in nature and the other 25% are more about our time together outside the bedroom. I haven't run into her, and I pray that I don't. Then again there's that side of me when sometimes I hope I do - just so I can chat with her about things. Most importantly, I want to hear HER say, "I have met someone wonderful and he's very good to me, or I've R with my WH." That would give me at least some sort of closure. However, I realize our meeting simply cannot happen as it can lead down a dangerous path where I could easily see myself relapse. My W asks me if I think about her, and I say, "yeah, sometimes."

 

I am 100% committed to my family now. I love my wife and I am here for my children. It's still a long road ahead but I am doing the work to be a better husband a father.

 

-Allregrets.

Edited May 27, 2017 by Allregrets

[jenkins95]

Affairs are essentially pointless. Full of feelings but a path to nowhere (sometimes worse) and almost guaranteed pain for some or all participants. Really bad odds.

 

Brilliant little piece of wisdom SS

[jenkins95]

All regrets, just read your entire thread. Wow, you can write!

 

Just wanted to say that I was so impressed with your latest update - well done to both of you!

 

There are many similarities in our story, I am nearly two years out now and my A has really awoken me to to my own weaknesses and what it is to be in a good marriages. I think our marriage is tighter than it has ever been now and neither of us ever neglect it or put others first as we have been guilty of in the past. I am really feeling positive for us..... And also for you and your wife.

 

Just wanted to say that, given the nature of the A, it's not surprising that you still have invasive thoughts of the OW. I admit I still have them myself after nearly two years. It's not about missing or longing for her any more, it's more about the fact that someone else got very badly hurt in my story, and however much they themselves are jointly to blame for this (jointly with me), it will never sit well with me and I will always regret that, as the older AP with more responsibilities and life experience, I didn't foresee all the pain and put a stop to all that self-indulgent cr*p right at the start. It would have saved many people so much pain. I admit that I also have the odd sexual thought like you, although I try to push them away immediately. An intense physical affair will furnish you with lots of sexual memories and it's inevitable that you will occasionally revisit these. I am angry at her and me jointly for making such bad decisions, but I also genuinely wish her the best and hope she can learn from these mistakes.

 

I think you are doing amazingly well AR. Keep it up!

Edited May 28, 2017 by jenkins95

[jenkins95]

@allregrets:

 

While that was an extremely long post, I can relate to you almost to a 'T'. Our stories (and likewise our way of thinking) are uncannily similar.

 

Everything you describe: meeting the AP unexpectedly, the inability to compartmentalize and withdrawal from spouse/family during the affair, the countless hours of google searches of leaving your spouse for AP (and ignoring the dire statistics and only favoring articles that further your disillusioned thinking), the trust issues with AP (her implicitness in the affair), the Dday, the inability to break it off with your AP (and wanting her to do the dirty work), the AP wanting you to leave your BW to be with her, the subsequent weening of yourself off of the affair (and the addiction), questioning if you're narcissistic and your moral fabric, the hotel triggers......I can relate almost 100%.

 

And then the strong wife at home who surprisingly stands by you and wants to reconcile....despite the tremendous harm you've done to her for your own ego boost. And it sounds to me like, from what I've read, this was all for an ego boost and nothing more...that there was nothing wrong per se with your marriage. Again, IDENTICAL to my story. My AP was a knock-out too...gorgeous, thin....but my wife has infinitely more substance..and is the best friend I could ever ask for. Why oh why did I hurt her?

 

It's almost as if you wrote my story. My AP was also a co-worker. The only difference is we work in close/daily proximity to each other...which is even more difficult to break.

 

Thanks for the read. It felt like looking in the mirror...

 

Hey calm! I'm so happy to read this post! I remember your posts from months ago - you were so tortured. I've often thought about you, how are are and what decisions you made regarding your OW and your family.

 

You, like AR and me, fell in love with your OW and considered leaving. All three of us, however, have learned the same lessons and made the same decisions. We have been selfish idiots but we've seen beneath the veneer of the affair at what really lies underneath it and we have found that it is mainly about ego and shallow self indulgence.

 

I'm so happy that we're all trying to put it right now. Reading these posts makes me realise that my situation is far from unique and we are not alone.

[Allregrets]

All regrets, just read your entire thread. Wow, you can write!

 

Just wanted to say that I was so impressed with your latest update - well done to both of you!

 

There are many similarities in our story, I am nearly two years out now and my A has really awoken me to to my own weaknesses and what it is to be in a good marriages. I think our marriage is tighter than it has ever been now and neither of us ever neglect it or put others first as we have been guilty of in the past. I am really feeling positive for us..... And also for you and your wife.

 

Just wanted to say that, given the nature of the A, it's not surprising that you still have invasive thoughts of the OW. I admit I still have them myself after nearly two years. It's not about missing or longing for her any more, it's more about the fact that someone else got very badly hurt in my story, and however much they themselves are jointly to blame for this (jointly with me), it will never sit well with me and I will always regret that, as the older AP with more responsibilities and life experience, I didn't foresee all the pain and put a stop to all that self-indulgent cr*p right at the start. It would have saved many people so much pain. I admit that I also have the odd sexual thought like you, although I try to push them away immediately. An intense physical affair will furnish you with lots of sexual memories and it's inevitable that you will occasionally revisit these. I am angry at her and me jointly for making such bad decisions, but I also genuinely wish her the best and hope she can learn from these mistakes.

 

I think you are doing amazingly well AR. Keep it up!

Well thank you. Looking back I think we simply slipped one night after a few too many drinks (more her than me). The stars aligned, and magically it just happened. I think we were both out of our element the first night we got together, so to speak, and yes it could've ended right there but curiousily got the best of me, fueled by so many nevative factors that we were both experiencing at the time. Coeincedence and bad decisions. Furthermore, I think ego played a large role and I found myself with a woman who was not only fifteen years younger than me, but who was totally smitten with me as a person. Yes, I could offer her so much, and naturally I did. I really felt powerful with her, something I never felt with my W at the time.

 

I watched a preview (never seen the movie or read the book, but summarized the story from different sources) of Fifty Shades of Grey and there appears to be very similar lines crossed. Young woman falls for a man with ego, power and wealth. However, he is a man tormented by demons and consumed by the need to control. He opens her eyes to secrets and her own dark desires. My AP often texted (jokingly) that we were living this story, but in essence we really were. It was fantasy, an escape from real life - the yelling children, the bills, the stresses that married life can bring, coupled with her husband's infidelity and gaslighting.

 

In the end both she (AP) and I are human beings with the desire to love and be loved; to have purpose, to have success and happiness with ourselves and for the ones who we love. I hope she finds this in her life because in the end we all deserve that as humans.

 

Allregrets

Edited May 28, 2017 by Allregrets