Never Again

[Allregrets]

I agree with MrsJohnAdams above. You seem very confident that this chapter is behind you, your marriage is stronger than ever, etc. Just be prepared for this to break down explosively at some point. And if it doesn't, I would worry that your wife is doing what they call rug-sweeping - "moving on" from the affair quickly, without processing it fully, which means the trauma comes out down the road in unexpected and terrible way.

 

My former affair partner's wife had an affair and he rug swept it. He never recovered that emotional intimacy with her, and 4 years later he had his own affair and left her. Healing from the affair is hard at the time, but if you don't proactively do it, it'll just be harder later.

 

Ps - you should read the posts / join the website Surviving Infidelity. It will help you go about this the right way and also to understand your wife's perspective.

I'm on the SI site as much as I'm on this site.

[solonely9]

Thanks for sharing your story. I hope that it will be helpful to many. It was certainly to me. You sound a lot like XMM here and I believe he was going through something similar after DD. However, I will have to agree with some of the OPs here. You are demonizing your XOW and while it is helping for the moment, I don't think that it is a good longterm approach. Neither she is suddenly this terrible person, nor is your wife suddenly this perfect human being. You are just rewriting your reality, yet again, because you desperately need to justify your choice. Not fair to your W. Not fair to yourself. And I would say not fair to your XOW, but I do not want to anger anybody. Until the day you are ready to objectively look at this situation and to admit why you make the choices you made, you will still be in recovery. Good luck and all the best.

[somuchfortheone]

never again - so happy to hear that you have chosen to reconcile with your wife. I, being on the other side of the coin, really hope that you stick to he NC that you've promised. Trust me, I have hoped for almost two years that my husband would wake up and choose his marriage...I still think there's hope down the road but he wants to try things out with this girl...like you he's convinced himself this could be right. If I were to be crazy enough to give him another chance...I would pray that he would honor the NC. Please don't put her through that again...you will never understand the pain she's gone through. Never. The tears you've seen her cry are nothing compared to the amount of tears she's shed...the obsessive thoughts...the absolute lack of energy and drive she's experienced...it's like being dead but having to walk around and function...feeling lifeless but having to pretend you're ok at work...in front of family so they don't worry...stay strong for the kids...but you have absolutely zero gas in your tank. It takes everything to just shower and go to work...and you only do that out of pure necessity. If she loves you enough to forgive you for all of that...please don't make her regret giving you that chance. Please know that there will be many hard times in the life of your marriage...stepping out will seem easy, fun, and maybe "the right thing" again...when you have those thoughts...please remember how this ended ...the destruction...and remember what worked to bring the two of you back together. Water your own grass. It never fails.

[Allregrets]

never again - so happy to hear that you have chosen to reconcile with your wife. I, being on the other side of the coin, really hope that you stick to he NC that you've promised. Trust me, I have hoped for almost two years that my husband would wake up and choose his marriage...I still think there's hope down the road but he wants to try things out with this girl...like you he's convinced himself this could be right. If I were to be crazy enough to give him another chance...I would pray that he would honor the NC. Please don't put her through that again...you will never understand the pain she's gone through. Never. The tears you've seen her cry are nothing compared to the amount of tears she's shed...the obsessive thoughts...the absolute lack of energy and drive she's experienced...it's like being dead but having to walk around and function...feeling lifeless but having to pretend you're ok at work...in front of family so they don't worry...stay strong for the kids...but you have absolutely zero gas in your tank. It takes everything to just shower and go to work...and you only do that out of pure necessity. If she loves you enough to forgive you for all of that...please don't make her regret giving you that chance. Please know that there will be many hard times in the life of your marriage...stepping out will seem easy, fun, and maybe "the right thing" again...when you have those thoughts...please remember how this ended ...the destruction...and remember what worked to bring the two of you back together. Water your own grass. It never fails.

Thank you. I don't think about xOW anymore. All I think about is how stupid I was and how I hurt my beautiful wife. I owe it to her and my children to be the best father and husband a woman could ever ask for. I take her out on dates, we had "her" day yesterday where I took her shopping, then had champagne and toasted our future. She is amazing, beautiful, smart, sexy, extremely talented in her job and I am so grateful to have her. She's one in a million. I am so much happier now, having chosen the right path forward. My family needs me, and more importantly I need them. I have stepped up, grown tremendously and look forward to spending the rest of my life with her. I can't believe I stepped out over a year ago. Such an irresponsible and selfish thing to do. Never again.

 

- Allregrets.

[Allregrets]

Thanks for sharing your story. I hope that it will be helpful to many. It was certainly to me. You sound a lot like XMM here and I believe he was going through something similar after DD. However, I will have to agree with some of the OPs here. You are demonizing your XOW and while it is helping for the moment, I don't think that it is a good longterm approach. Neither she is suddenly this terrible person, nor is your wife suddenly this perfect human being. You are just rewriting your reality, yet again, because you desperately need to justify your choice. Not fair to your W. Not fair to yourself. And I would say not fair to your XOW, but I do not want to anger anybody. Until the day you are ready to objectively look at this situation and to admit why you make the choices you made, you will still be in recovery. Good luck and all the best.

I believe I demonize her because I can't believe believe of all the thousands of people I have met over the years, she broke (along with me, and I'm at fault too) the trust of her H and my W by jumping into something so selfish and ultimately disgusting with a married man.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

I believe I demonize her because I can't believe believe of all the thousands of people I have met over the years, she broke (along with me, and I'm at fault too) the trust of her H and my W by jumping into something so selfish and ultimately disgusting with a married man.

 

As you broke the trust of her H and your wife by jumping into something so selfish and disgusting with a married woman.

[Allregrets]

As you broke the trust of her H and your wife by jumping into something so selfish and disgusting with a married woman.

Exactly. I am just as responsible and disgusting. Makes me sick.

[Allregrets]

Yup, what you're looking for is integrity, not necessarily kindness.

 

The women I've seen that are in marriage with faithful men are women that didn't fall for the superficial traits (looks, charm, success, power, etc.). They were women that were naturally drawn to integrity, so they dated men for a long time, and as the man's integrity began to show, they would fall for them deeper and deeper.

 

The women I've seen that married (and later divorced) cheaters fell for those superficial traits and really valued that intense / infatuation early part of a relationship feeling.

 

And of course it goes both ways...there's a reason why we see so many posts on here referring to cheating partners as being narcissists or having Borderline Personality Disorder. It's because those folks are often superficially very attractive, but also completely lack empathy and therefore lack integrity.

This, right here succinctly sums up everything. It took me ten years to figure that out. I came back to this site today because I am in R with my BW and am doing the work (you can read my long story about my horrible A) but met a woman at the hotel bar last night who sat next to me and gave me the "green light" so to speak after good conversation. I prodded a little bit. She said she had two teenage boys, traveled quite a bit for work and eventually brought up her husband when I dug little deeper. Not "x-husband" but husband. She wore no ring. She gave all the signs - big smiles, touching me, doing the hair twirling thing. It's both sides of the coin. Men and women cheat, more so in those capacities where they work far from home. I wished her good night and promptly left to my room.

 

As a MM who is in R with my BW, that experience last night (similar to how I met xOW) brought back so many memories. It was like handing a cocktail to a recovering alcoholic. I ran for my life and immediately came here.

 

Allregrets.

[mikeylo]

This, right here succinctly sums up everything. It took me ten years to figure that out. I came back to this site today because I am in R with my BW and am doing the work (you can read my long story about my horrible A) but met a woman at the hotel bar last night who sat next to me and gave me the "green light" so to speak after good conversation. I prodded a little bit. She said she had two teenage boys, traveled quite a bit for work and eventually brought up her husband when I dug little deeper. Not "x-husband" but husband. She wore no ring. She gave all the signs - big smiles, touching me, doing the hair twirling thing. It's both sides of the coin. Men and women cheat, more so in those capacities where they work far from home. I wished her good night and promptly left to my room.

 

As a MM who is in R with my BW, that experience last night (similar to how I met xOW) brought back so many memories. It was like handing a cocktail to a recovering alcoholic. I ran for my life and immediately came here.

 

Allregrets.

 

I have responded to your original thread but for the life of me I don't understand why are you still going to bars ? You very well know the kind of most people that are there. On tops, you start chatting up other women! Wow , just wow. You were obviously enjoying the smiles and touching. Continue.

 

You may think that your wife doesn't know or you told her how a woman came up to you but you rejected her. Duh !

 

Character is something you do when no one is watching

[Birdies]

I have responded to your original thread but for the life of me I don't understand why are you still going to bars ? You very well know the kind of most people that are there. On tops, you start chatting up other women! Wow , just wow. You were obviously enjoying the smiles and touching. Continue.

 

You may think that your wife doesn't know or you told her how a woman came up to you but you rejected her. Duh !

 

Character is something you do when no one is watching

 

I agree. AllRegrets, do you think your wife would approve of you chatting over drinks with women who are giving you "the green light", and the only thing holding you two back from hot fcking all night is YOU not acting on it? Does that look like a wayward husband who is "all in" on reconciliation to you?? Please! Your poor wife. You said you read a lot over at SI - so you know the reformed Waywards would eat you alive for this. You have a lot more work to do buddy.

[Allregrets]

I agree. AllRegrets, do you think your wife would approve of you chatting over drinks with women who are giving you "the green light", and the only thing holding you two back from hot fcking all night is YOU not acting on it? Does that look like a wayward husband who is "all in" on reconciliation to you?? Please! Your poor wife. You said you read a lot over at SI - so you know the reformed Waywards would eat you alive for this. You have a lot more work to do buddy.

Oh no, I went to eat and have one beer with my co-worker. I don't sit at bars to drink while on the road! I'll go to eat if it's the only option, and that was the only option. The bar area was the only place to sit at that moment, so I ate, chatted with my male co-worker and planned on going to bed. She sat down when the seat next to me opened up and my co-worker said later she was eyeing the whole bar before sitting next to me, and then proceeded to eye me up and down before striking up a conversation with me out of the blue. Yes, I responded. I was right in the middle of my dessert when she sat down. Then my co-worker left and I finished up while chatting with her and I promptly paid my bill, said goodnight and left.

 

I wasn't enjoying the smiles! I was becoming noticeably upset and angry with the fact that she was obviously trolling at a bar and was married, hitting on me! (You know my story). I immediately came to this site afterward and will tell my BW in person what happened when I see her in a few hours.

 

It just sickens me that infidelity seems to be ubiquitous in airport bars away from home where married men and women professionals are traveling solo and are looking for a quick hookup. It's disgusting, and now that I have been exposed to it, it is that much easier to spot.

 

I guess I could've ordered room service...

 

And Birdies, I think I've shown an example of WHAT TO DO in this situation. I left! There was only one other option in that scenario, so how am I NOT doing the work?

Edited May 1, 2017 by Allregrets

[mikeylo]

Oh no, I went to eat and have one beer with my co-worker. I don't sit at bars to drink while on the road! I'll go to eat if it's the only option, and that was the only option. The bar area was the only place to sit at that moment, so I ate, chatted with my male co-worker and planned on going to bed. She sat down when the seat next to me opened up and my co-worker said later she was eyeing the whole bar before sitting next to me, and then proceeded to eye me up and down before striking up a conversation with me out of the blue. Yes, I responded. I was right in the middle of my dessert when she sat down. Then my co-worker left and I finished up while chatting with her and I promptly paid my bill, said goodnight and left.

 

I wasn't enjoying the smiles! I was becoming noticeably upset and angry with the fact that she was obviously trolling at a bar and was married, hitting on me! (You know my story). I immediately came to this site afterward and will tell my BW in person what happened when I see her in a few hours.

 

It just sickens me that infidelity seems to be ubiquitous in airport bars away from home where married men and women professionals are traveling solo and are looking for a quick hookup. It's disgusting, and now that I have been exposed to it, it is that much easier to spot.

 

I guess I could've ordered room service...

 

And Birdies, I think I've shown an example of WHAT TO DO in this situation. I left! There was only one other option in that scenario, so how am I NOT doing the work?

 

What you did was :

 

--Had a ' good conversation ' with another woman( you are a cheater in reconciliation apparently)

 

-- you prodded after getting the ' green light '

 

-- you dug deeper

 

Why did you indulge in a ' good conversation ' in the first place. How is it your business if she has 2 or 10 children or if she is single or married ? Why so much interest in a random woman?

 

What you should have done ? You should have left the dessert and gone with your friend. Your friend is smarter. He apparently knew where this was going and chose not to be part of the scene. That is where the real strength and integrity is. Who cares if it's harsh or rude to that woman ?

 

You are portraying yourself to be stuck in an impossible situation but in actuality, you chose it and are now blaming the circumstances.

 

This is the reason why people lose faith in others.

[somanymistakes]

This is the reason why people lose faith in others.

 

For... not actually doing anything wrong?

 

It wasn't the absolute best judgement in the world to stay as long as he did but I think this is going too far.

 

When we treat people just as harshly for the slightest imperfection as for the worst transgression, we give people no incentive to better themselves.

 

It leads to the whole 'in for a penny, in for a pound' mentality - I'm already doomed so I may as well give up and stop even trying to be good.

[Allregrets]

What you did was :

 

--Had a ' good conversation ' with another woman( you are a cheater in reconciliation apparently)

 

-- you prodded after getting the ' green light '

 

-- you dug deeper

 

Why did you indulge in a ' good conversation ' in the first place. How is it your business if she has 2 or 10 children or if she is single or married ? Why so much interest in a random woman?

 

What you should have done ? You should have left the dessert and gone with your friend. Your friend is smarter. He apparently knew where this was going and chose not to be part of the scene. That is where the real strength and integrity is. Who cares if it's harsh or rude to that woman ?

 

You are portraying yourself to be stuck in an impossible situation but in actuality, you chose it and are now blaming the circumstances.

 

This is the reason why people lose faith in others.

Ok, now we're just getting down to semantics here...

 

We talked.. Yes, I am in R and had an A with a MW - and the scenario last night "could" have ended up like my A. It did not. I chose not to. I came to eat. Yes, I responded to her. I am sociable. Yes, through conversation the children and husband came up. Could've talked about unicorns and rainbows too...

 

My friend left because he was tired, not because he has integrity. He was tired... I quickly followed. You weren't there. I'm not leaving my desert on the table when nothing was going to happen. Am I never supposed to talk to another woman ever again unless it's strictly business? How about directions in an unknown city? Can I talk to a random woman at a bar? The responses are so black and white. Are bars simply an instrument to hook up with other people? Everyone here seems to think so, and I made a decision to finish my desert and leave. Guess next time I'll refrain from expressing what happened on this forum and how I promptly left last night. I guess I could've stayed, started A #2 and ignored coming here to vent and seek advice this morning.

 

I'm doing the work.

[Allregrets]

What you did was :

 

--Had a ' good conversation ' with another woman( you are a cheater in reconciliation apparently)

 

-- you prodded after getting the ' green light '

 

-- you dug deeper

 

Why did you indulge in a ' good conversation ' in the first place. How is it your business if she has 2 or 10 children or if she is single or married ? Why so much interest in a random woman?

 

What you should have done ? You should have left the dessert and gone with your friend. Your friend is smarter. He apparently knew where this was going and chose not to be part of the scene. That is where the real strength and integrity is. Who cares if it's harsh or rude to that woman ?

 

You are portraying yourself to be stuck in an impossible situation but in actuality, you chose it and are now blaming the circumstances.

 

This is the reason why people lose faith in others.

Ok, now we're just getting down to semantics here...

 

We talked.. Yes, I am in R and had an A with a MW - and the scenario last night "could" have ended up like my A. It did not. I chose not to. I came to eat. Yes, I responded to her. I am sociable. Yes, through conversation the children and husband came up. Could've talked about unicorns and rainbows too...

 

My friend left because he was tired, not because he has integrity. He was tired... I quickly followed. You weren't there. I'm not leaving my desert on the table when nothing was going to happen. Am I never supposed to talk to another woman ever again unless it's strictly business? How about directions in an unknown city? Can I talk to a random woman at a bar? The responses are so black and white. Are bars simply an instrument to hook up with other people? Everyone here seems to think so, and I made a decision to finish my desert and leave. Guess next time I'll refrain from expressing what happened on this forum and how I promptly left last night. I guess I could've stayed, started A #2 and ignored coming here to vent and seek advice this morning.

 

I'm doing the work.

[mikeylo]

For... not actually doing anything wrong?

 

It wasn't the absolute best judgement in the world to stay as long as he did but I think this is going too far.

 

When we treat people just as harshly for the slightest imperfection as for the worst transgression, we give people no incentive to better themselves.

 

It leads to the whole 'in for a penny, in for a pound' mentality - I'm already doomed so I may as well give up and stop even trying to be good.

 

If after cheating on his wife and apparently trying reconciliation, when does the best judgement begin? After she has left for good ?

 

After cheating , and wanting to stay with your wife, then yes, even slightest imperfections are magnified and practically, should be. Go figure.

[mikeylo]

Ok, now we're just getting down to semantics here...

 

We talked.. Yes, I am in R and had an A with a MW - and the scenario last night "could" have ended up like my A. It did not. I chose not to. I came to eat. Yes, I responded to her. I am sociable. Yes, through conversation the children and husband came up. Could've talked about unicorns and rainbows too...

 

My friend left because he was tired, not because he has integrity. He was tired... I quickly followed. You weren't there. I'm not leaving my desert on the table when nothing was going to happen. Am I never supposed to talk to another woman ever again unless it's strictly business? How about directions in an unknown city? Can I talk to a random woman at a bar? The responses are so black and white. Are bars simply an instrument to hook up with other people? Everyone here seems to think so, and I made a decision to finish my desert and leave. Guess next time I'll refrain from expressing what happened on this forum and how I promptly left last night. I guess I could've stayed, started A #2 and ignored coming here to vent and seek advice this morning.

 

I'm doing the work.

 

After affair, yes, you are supposed to give up being ' sociable ' with other random women.

 

Anyway, I'm done.

[somanymistakes]

Are bars simply an instrument to hook up with other people? Everyone here seems to think so, and I made a decision to finish my desert and leave. Guess next time I'll refrain from expressing what happened on this forum and how I promptly left last night. I guess I could've stayed, started A #2 and ignored coming here to vent and seek advice this morning.

 

Nah. Next time, don't go to the bar.

 

Because while I don't think you did anything horribly wrong, you did put yourself in the way of temptation. Think of it like a recovering alcoholic. It's not a good idea to expose yourself to that, even if you think you can handle it, because you might slip and it's really just better to avoid the whole situation.

 

The bar isn't JUST an instrument for hookups, and it isn't JUST a place to get totally wasted. Plenty of people go to a bar and don't get very drunk. But if you know you have a problem, the sensible thing to do is avoid the risk.

[Birdies]

Ok, now we're just getting down to semantics here...

 

We talked.. Yes, I am in R and had an A with a MW - and the scenario last night "could" have ended up like my A. It did not. I chose not to. I came to eat. Yes, I responded to her. I am sociable. Yes, through conversation the children and husband came up. Could've talked about unicorns and rainbows too...

 

My friend left because he was tired, not because he has integrity. He was tired... I quickly followed. You weren't there. I'm not leaving my desert on the table when nothing was going to happen. Am I never supposed to talk to another woman ever again unless it's strictly business? How about directions in an unknown city? Can I talk to a random woman at a bar? The responses are so black and white. Are bars simply an instrument to hook up with other people? Everyone here seems to think so, and I made a decision to finish my desert and leave. Guess next time I'll refrain from expressing what happened on this forum and how I promptly left last night. I guess I could've stayed, started A #2 and ignored coming here to vent and seek advice this morning.

 

I'm doing the work.

 

No need to be so defensive and go right to "well I could have just had a ONS instead!" I'm just saying that I don't think finding yourself in ANY situation where a random woman is giving you a green light for a ONS, but you're turning her down, is doing the work appropriately. I'm sure your wife would agree. She doesn't want to have to trust you to turn other women down - she doesn't want you in that situation in the first place!

 

Since being sociable with random women in bars is what got you into infidelity in the first place, I think that's what you should avoid. Whether it's avoiding being sociable with strangers in bars (something women do ALLLLL the time - if I had a nickel for every man I've politely but firmly shot down from conversation in a bar, I'd be retired in thailand right now!! And I'm a really sociable person), or avoiding bars, or whatever. You have to make some sacrifices.

 

I cheated and chose not to reconcile with my husband, partly because of how hard it would be to put so many restrictions on life. But that's what you have to do if you want to make it up to her. Otherwise, if it's too hard to change your ways, you should just give up and start over.

[mikeylo]

No need to be so defensive and go right to "well I could have just had a ONS instead!" I'm just saying that I don't think finding yourself in ANY situation where a random woman is giving you a green light for a ONS, but you're turning her down, is doing the work appropriately. I'm sure your wife would agree. She doesn't want to have to trust you to turn other women down - she doesn't want you in that situation in the first place!

 

Since being sociable with random women in bars is what got you into infidelity in the first place, I think that's what you should avoid. Whether it's avoiding being sociable with strangers in bars (something women do ALLLLL the time - if I had a nickel for every man I've politely but firmly shot down from conversation in a bar, I'd be retired in thailand right now!! And I'm a really sociable person), or avoiding bars, or whatever. You have to make some sacrifices.

 

I cheated and chose not to reconcile with my husband, partly because of how hard it would be to put so many restrictions on life. But that's what you have to do if you want to make it up to her. Otherwise, if it's too hard to change your ways, you should just give up and start over.

 

This. Old lifestyle needs to be replaced with a brand new one. If not , wise thing is to leave.

[DKT3]

No need to be so defensive and go right to "well I could have just had a ONS instead!" I'm just saying that I don't think finding yourself in ANY situation where a random woman is giving you a green light for a ONS, but you're turning her down, is doing the work appropriately. I'm sure your wife would agree. She doesn't want to have to trust you to turn other women down - she doesn't want you in that situation in the first place!

 

Since being sociable with random women in bars is what got you into infidelity in the first place, I think that's what you should avoid. Whether it's avoiding being sociable with strangers in bars (something women do ALLLLL the time - if I had a nickel for every man I've politely but firmly shot down from conversation in a bar, I'd be retired in thailand right now!! And I'm a really sociable person), or avoiding bars, or whatever. You have to make some sacrifices.

 

I cheated and chose not to reconcile with my husband, partly because of how hard it would be to put so many restrictions on life. But that's what you have to do if you want to make it up to her. Otherwise, if it's too hard to change your ways, you should just give up and start over.

 

Funny thing about regrets....they get worse with time. The regret in your decision really jumps off the page in many of your posts here.

 

I also chose to walk away from infidelity, but, I was the betrayed one...the whole I can't live like this theory. For a brief period it felt good, after a time of sleeping with a ton of women I settled into another relationship....then the what ifs hit me. What if I had tried, what if I was a better husband. I think for me the fear of never knowing outweighed my fear of having to trust her again. I just had to know.

 

The flipside, boundaries are boundaries, if this isn't addressed you will find yourself in the same situation.

 

Question though, would R have seemed as hard if you didn't already have another option available? In reading your stuff here, I really sense this relationship with the other man is fear based. Maybe I've misjudged it.

[Overtaxed]

<sigh>

 

Am I never supposed to talk to another woman ever again unless it's strictly business? How about directions in an unknown city? Can I talk to a random woman at a bar? The responses are so black and white. Are bars simply an instrument to hook up with other people?

 

Listen, you're a man, and you KNOW what bars are for. Don't act like it's coming as a surprise, because, I know it's not. Yes, bars are primarily a place to hook up with other people IF you're talking to the opposite sex.

 

And yes, I'm very black and white on this issue. I always have been, even long before my wife's A. There is no reason to "chat" with a woman who's of appropriate age/sex appeal without your wife around, EVER, for any reason, unless you really are in need of something (like directions). If you have to have a professional relationship, do that. Don't go to dinner with them, don't go out for drinks with them. Stay away from them; because, at the end of the day, their friendship isn't worth 1/100th of what your marriage is.

 

I have 0 female friends. I work with a few women, and I try to keep them as "arm's length" as possible, ESPECIALLY if we're traveling or at an event together. I eat as many meals as possible in my hotel room. I avoid the hotel bars like the plague, and will only eat at a bar when traveling (without my W) if there are no other choices (and they don't offer take out). And I'm not the one who cheated, and I still act like this! If I cheated, I'd fully expect to cut any contact at all with women to help make my W feel safe.

 

Listen man, end of the day, it's not worth it. So you got to go to a bar, eat some crappy food, and potentially put your marriage at risk. Could have done the same thing in your hotel room and avoided the risk entirely. Sure, you got some back slapping from the guys, probably a bunch of guys who wouldn't cross the road to bring you water if you were dying of thirst (work "buddies" very rarely give a single crap about you). Is it worth it? Do you really need the smell of beer on you and the stupid stories they told so much that you're willing to risk your marriage for it?

 

The only, and I mean ONLY time I will engage with my work "friends" outside of work is if there are events where the higher level people are going to be where I need to be seen. My subordinates ask me out for a drink, I decline EVERY TIME, not because I don't like them, and not because they aren't good people, but because I know that situation is like lighting a match, light enough of them, eventually your house burns down.

 

There are plenty of men in the world. Be friends with them. I'm not saying to be rude or mean to women, but, if you find her at all sexually attractive, why on earth would you want to play with fire like that? If you're 20 and she's 65, sure, go ahead and have a drink with her. If you're 40 and she's 30? Come on, you know why you really want to have a drink with her, and it has NOTHING to do with wanting to talk about your interests (which, in all likelyhood, she doesn't care about at all, because, men and women are different).

 

Society seems to have this "utopia" bent where everyone should just be friends and we all get along, sex doesn't matter, and we're all strong enough to resist. Except we're not, and we would be FAR better off telling people the truth; if you keep putting yourself in situations to cheat, you will cheat. If you cultivate friendships with sexually appropriate partners of the opposite sex, eventually, you will likely wind up in bed with them. And, most of all, it's just not worth it; this "friendship" that you're willing to risk your marriage for is never going to be some life long/deep friendship because, men and women very rarely have anything like that (until they are much older and "aged out" of sex).

 

You get used to eating in hotel rooms, I so missed the bars and the "friendships" when I first started doing it (10 years ago or so). Now? I can't believe I ever enjoyed it. I love getting done work, going up to my room, having a few hours to read or workout, call my wife, finish my e-mails, and call it a night. I wake up feeling great when most of my colleagues end up feeling awful because they are out all night. People respect me more because they know I'm "above it". Looking back, I have no idea why I did it at all other than to fit in.

[Birdies]

Funny thing about regrets....they get worse with time. The regret in your decision really jumps off the page in many of your posts here.

 

I also chose to walk away from infidelity, but, I was the betrayed one...the whole I can't live like this theory. For a brief period it felt good, after a time of sleeping with a ton of women I settled into another relationship....then the what ifs hit me. What if I had tried, what if I was a better husband. I think for me the fear of never knowing outweighed my fear of having to trust her again. I just had to know.

 

The flipside, boundaries are boundaries, if this isn't addressed you will find yourself in the same situation.

 

Question though, would R have seemed as hard if you didn't already have another option available? In reading your stuff here, I really sense this relationship with the other man is fear based. Maybe I've misjudged it.

[]

 

No, I don't regret my (mutual) decision to end our marriage. I loved my ex husband very much. I also felt extremely resentful of how wonderful a person he is, yet how much I felt neglected and taken for granted by him. That everyone else got the wonderful guy, and I got the grouchy closed-off leftovers. His inability to address his mental/emotional illness yet fake it with most people was a big part of that. I felt hopeless about how some of our very serious and innate differences could ever change, and how they would just further fester if we had kids. But yes, I regret hurting him so deeply, and I'm very sad to not have him in my life anymore. He was my best friend from ages 18-33. That's hard to lose, even more so when it's your own fault, and I think you'd have to be a sociopath not to miss it and not to regret hurting that best friend.

 

The relationship with the other man is about as perfect as you could imagine. We connect on an intellectual level, a hobbies and fun level, a sexual level, and unlike our marriages, the nuts and bolts of daily life match up perfectly. With our exes, it felt like we were always swimming uphill a bit. Neat freak vs slob, morning person vs sleep until 2 pm person, entirely different hobbies and priorities for spending time, etc. This just works. It's. It based on fear - I'm deeply in love with him and vice versa. Of course that's not a guarantee for the future, but nothing in life is guaranteed.

 

No, I don't think I would have left my marriage if I wasn't in love with someone else AND had him there waiting. It still would have seemed almost impossibly hard, but I think I would have tried to make it work, vs just being alone. That doesn't speak poorly to that new relationship though, it speaks to my level of codependency with my ex and my literal inability before th A to imagine myself in any other life besides with my husband. Something I'm addressing in therapy, etc. As are the boundary and coping mechanism issues!

 

For what it's worth, my ex also independently decided we would be better off calling it a day. He has a new gf and seems to be very happy. I hope so.

Edited May 4, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Content moved from threadjack cleanup

[mikeylo]

Man, I didn't want to threadjack the other thread but here it goes, take it or leave it.

 

You said that you chatted with that woman , nothing was happening. BUT did you think for a split second that the very second that other random woman was feeling you up and you were enjoying the conversation, your wife could be crying her eyes out , having a sleepless night because of what you did to her and worrying what you were up to when away?When you are not with your wife, you are carrying her dignity, respect on your shoulders.

 

You probably felt disgusted only after she told you that she was married? If she was single / divorced etc., you wouldnt have felt disgusted? You are taken, right?

 

She was the one who approached you and started touching you,of all the men there. Why? Because you probably give out the vibes of being available. Open body language, darting/wandering eyes, checking women up and down,among others are a signal that you are on the look.

 

And yeah, you need to start socializing with half the population of men and delete the other half of population aka women IF you want any chance of true reconciliation and regaining your wife's trust otherwise you are doomed.

 

So yeah, a lot was happening when you chatted her up.

 

If you can't give up the bar scene and having never getting to speak to half the population ( other women ), you are wasting your and your wife's time.You can find another woman who would ' allow ' you to have this lifestyle.Most likely you wont be able to but at least you both acknowledge the reason and can separate easily.

 

You will do a favor to both your wife and yourself by leaving.Read Overtaxed post over there.He is spot on.

[William]

Moderation advisory: A dozen or so posts from a threadjack in another topic regarding this starter's relationship issue were moved to this thread for continuity instead of deleting them. Hence, there may be some overlap but as much topical content as possible was retained. Please avoid off-topic discussions in other threads and consolidate discussion regarding this relationship issue in this thread. Thanks!