Never Again

[Spring23]

 

1.I recently came across the term Limerence (from here, I believe) and it is sobering how one can be addicted to the other person. It could've been any person, and that is frightening how powerful the draw really is.

 

2. HOWEVER - with that said, since our breakup she has made her private Instagram account PUBLIC (which is strange) and yes, I did take a peek a while back (but I no longer do and have blocked her) and she is sending huge smoke signals by posting pics of places we have visited together (pics I took of her almost a year ago) either as a slap in my face or is reminiscing about the good times. Now I simply do not look anymore. Damn SocialMedia!

 

1.Limerence is a new word for infatuation. It can feel obsessive and all consuming but it is all fantasy. I've mentioned in a thread that I can feel hypomanic. What you feel or felt or still feel but are trying to suppress is your own brain playing love games with you.

 

This is why "limerence" for another can be considered an addiction. The affair partner is the trigger and your brain chemistry spikes. All the feel good neurotransmitters are having a blow out party and you're going along for the ride.

 

2. If you're talking about her posting pictures then you're still infatuated with her and haven't really made too much progress. You might not be doing the drug but you're probably thinking about the drug a lot.

 

You'll need to regain control of your brain and then decide what you need.

[Allregrets]

1.Limerence is a new word for infatuation. It can feel obsessive and all consuming but it is all fantasy. I've mentioned in a thread that I can feel hypomanic. What you feel or felt or still feel but are trying to suppress is your own brain playing love games with you.

 

This is why "limerence" for another can be considered an addiction. The affair partner is the trigger and your brain chemistry spikes. All the feel good neurotransmitters are having a blow out party and you're going along for the ride.

 

2. If you're talking about her posting pictures then you're still infatuated with her and haven't really made too much progress. You might not be doing the drug but you're probably thinking about the drug a lot.

 

You'll need to regain control of your brain and then decide what you need.

Oh I've made plenty of progress, and I am not infatuated with her. The IG pic posting was a while back and I was giving an example of how twisted it all is.

[gia37]

Read your first post but not the comments... please don't be so hard on yourself, things like this happen, you didn't kill anyone. Don't be so harsh on yourself, try to forgive yourself and love youself.

In my opinion internet dating sucks, and actually what you call 'superficiality' is still the right starting point to find the partner for life... chemistry is where it all starts. It seems to me you never had it with your wife. I lived 17 years with a friend and roommate and it didn't work out in spite of two kids. Maybe there is someone else out there who is neither your wife nor the xAP after all. Just my two cents!

[Allregrets]

Read your first post but not the comments... please don't be so hard on yourself, things like this happen, you didn't kill anyone. Don't be so harsh on yourself, try to forgive yourself and love youself.

In my opinion internet dating sucks, and actually what you call 'superficiality' is still the right starting point to find the partner for life... chemistry is where it all starts. It seems to me you never had it with your wife. I lived 17 years with a friend and roommate and it didn't work out in spite of two kids. Maybe there is someone else out there who is neither your wife nor the xAP after all. Just my two cents!

That ship has sailed. I am there for my wife and children. I am all in for them. Call it luck on the first try with ID but I found an amazing woman, a woman who has made me realize how incredibly lucky I am to have her in my life. Simply put, I think through time in our M, I found myself stuck in the daily grind of life, primarily due to my issues of non communication and anger. So there I was, finding myself available one night with another married woman who was also available (and maybe so on many other nights with other men). We were initially in it for sex (yes, selfish and disgusting) and then we caught feelings. When I began to question everything (primarily trust issues on our parts) I simply could not go through with leaving my W and family. Maybe it has worked for you, but the odds are slim of success. Furthermore, would she have stuck by me knowing that my two children and wife most likely hated her? The anger I would've had writing alimony and child support payments. The nice gifts, lunches, and hotels on the coast would've evaporated, and knowing what I felt it was only a matter of time before she jumped ship to find another man who could continue to spoil her. That's what I did. I was in Stage 1 infatuation phase. Where would've that left me? I would have never recovered financially and mentally. I would've ruined so many lives and I was not willing to do that. I love my wife.

 

It's like driving a safe and reliable Volvo for many years, then someone whispers in your ear that you can test drive that brand new Sports car. Yes, so it can't fit a family of four, but you feel amazing while driving it around. The rush of a new, fast car is exhilarating. Then you find yourself sneaking off to the car lot on the weekend to secretly drive it around. You are glued to it. Limerance. The thrill is amazing! Thn after a few months you begin to ponder trading in that reliable and safe Volvo for the sports car, and you realize you just can't do it. Reliable and safety win the struggle. You love that Volvo. It has never broken down and has been there in all types of weather for you. You would never let the sports car out of the garage in inclement weather. You just keep it safe in the garage until you are ready to use it. It becomes a trophy with no purpose.

 

A sick and twisted metaphor, but succinctly this is an affair in a nutshell.

[Tulipwood]

Until you acknowledge that you did not "find" yourself in an affair and stop projecting the heap loads of negativity about your AP you will remain stuck.

 

Affairs are not a lost and found, you did know what you were doing and are ripe for it to happen again. I speak from experience, it's a journey of misery before anything gets better.

 

Anything about your former AP is none of your business, you need to use that judgement on yourself. It's going to hurt and you'll be better for it eventually.

Edited April 22, 2017 by Tulipwood
...

[Spring23]

Until you acknowledge that you did not "find" yourself in an affair and stop projecting the heap loads of negativity about your AP you will remain stuck.

 

Affairs are not a lost and found, you did know what you were doing and are ripe for it to happen again. I speak from experience, it's a journey of misery before anything gets better.

 

Anything about your former AP is none of your business, you need to use that judgement on yourself. It's going to hurt and you'll be better for it eventually.

 

The only way to stop affair behavior is to realize the problem is within. Everything else is just nonsense.

[Spring23]

Reliable and safety win the struggle. You love that Volvo. It has never broken down and has been there in all types of weather for you.

 

Yet, one day the Volvo does break down and needs some time and maintenance in order to get it back up again. The day you drop the Volvo off at the mechanic a new sports car drives past...

[Furious]

That ship has sailed. I am there for my wife and children. I am all in for them. Call it luck on the first try with ID but I found an amazing woman, a woman who has made me realize how incredibly lucky I am to have her in my life. Simply put, I think through time in our M, I found myself stuck in the daily grind of life, primarily due to my issues of non communication and anger. So there I was, finding myself available one night with another married woman who was also available (and maybe so on many other nights with other men). We were initially in it for sex (yes, selfish and disgusting) and then we caught feelings. When I began to question everything (primarily trust issues on our parts) I simply could not go through with leaving my W and family. Maybe it has worked for you, but the odds are slim of success. Furthermore, would she have stuck by me knowing that my two children and wife most likely hated her? The anger I would've had writing alimony and child support payments. The nice gifts, lunches, and hotels on the coast would've evaporated, and knowing what I felt it was only a matter of time before she jumped ship to find another man who could continue to spoil her. That's what I did. I was in Stage 1 infatuation phase. Where would've that left me? I would have never recovered financially and mentally. I would've ruined so many lives and I was not willing to do that. I love my wife.

 

It's like driving a safe and reliable Volvo for many years, then someone whispers in your ear that you can test drive that brand new Sports car. Yes, so it can't fit a family of four, but you feel amazing while driving it around. The rush of a new, fast car is exhilarating. Then you find yourself sneaking off to the car lot on the weekend to secretly drive it around. You are glued to it. Limerance. The thrill is amazing! Thn after a few months you begin to ponder trading in that reliable and safe Volvo for the sports car, and you realize you just can't do it. Reliable and safety win the struggle. You love that Volvo. It has never broken down and has been there in all types of weather for you. You would never let the sports car out of the garage in inclement weather. You just keep it safe in the garage until you are ready to use it. It becomes a trophy with no purpose.

 

A sick and twisted metaphor, but succinctly this is an affair in a nutshell.

 

 

Your analogy through the lens of pragmatism is how many male WS's evaluate the gain loss perspective. Scratch beneath the surface and there's an undercurrent emotional response in your analogy that has weighed the emotional and financial cost to yourself, your wife and children's life.

 

Though your analogy may appear somewhat cold to romantics it's an honest assessment that may ruffle feathers, especially current or former affair partners who may find your conclusions is contrast to the intensity the emotional and physical aspect an affair produces.

 

You've burst the affair bubble and it's hurtful for some to hear the mechanical description of dissecting fantasy from reality. it's typical that while in an affair emotions cloud reality, that a d-day or d-days put a wrench in the affair narrative.

 

There's still a lot of work ahead for you but it appears you've chosen the path you that works best for you and your family.

 

First and foremost YOU are not the victim of an OW. You're a big boy and it was your choice to cheat. But that in itself does not diminish the character of the OW, she is also big girl and it was her choice to join you in deception.

 

Often people try to point their finger as to who is at fault. True remorse and introspection always begins and ends with oneself.

Edited April 22, 2017 by Furious

[Cymbeline]

"It's like driving a safe and reliable Volvo for many years, then someone whispers in your ear that you can test drive that brand new Sports car. Yes, so it can't fit a family of four, but you feel amazing while driving it around. The rush of a new, fast car is exhilarating. Then you find yourself sneaking off to the car lot on the weekend to secretly drive it around. You are glued to it. Limerance. The thrill is amazing! Thn after a few months you begin to ponder trading in that reliable and safe Volvo for the sports car, and you realize you just can't do it. Reliable and safety win the struggle. You love that Volvo. It has never broken down and has been there in all types of weather for you. You would never let the sports car out of the garage in inclement weather. You just keep it safe in the garage until you are ready to use it. It becomes a trophy with no purpose."

 

She's also very young at 27 and is leaving a relationship with a man in his forties for a potential relationship with you - also considerably older. I feel you demonise her rather - she is not necessarily less trustworthy than anyone lease in an affair or looking for something better. But you don't really know her psyche and young women who like older men often have other issues going on which don't make for a relationship of equals. In an affair, that's fine. It's great to be the powerful, dominant one. In real life, a more equal partner is the more restful option.

[wmacbride]

Read your first post but not the comments... please don't be so hard on yourself, things like this happen, you didn't kill anyone. Don't be so harsh on yourself, try to forgive yourself and love youself.

In my opinion internet dating sucks, and actually what you call 'superficiality' is still the right starting point to find the partner for life... chemistry is where it all starts. It seems to me you never had it with your wife. I lived 17 years with a friend and roommate and it didn't work out in spite of two kids. Maybe there is someone else out there who is neither your wife nor the xAP after all. Just my two cents!

 

I'm all for people being happy and finding their true place in life.

 

What I can't stand is when people feel entitled to step all over and hurt others to get there, and that other's pain is a fair price to pay for their happiness.

Edited April 22, 2017 by wmacbride

[BlackCherry]

Wait a second... it's been just two months since you went NC with the AP and vowed to fix your marriage? And your kids, especially son, have gone from being so destroyed he needed to see a psychologist and existing in the same house as a completely broken mom, no doubt sensing or hearing the arguing, crying and physical violence that went on, are now both top of the class?

 

Am I misreading some time stamps here?

[Allregrets]

Wait a second... it's been just two months since you went NC with the AP and vowed to fix your marriage? And your kids, especially son, have gone from being so destroyed he needed to see a psychologist and existing in the same house as a completely broken mom, no doubt sensing or hearing the arguing, crying and physical violence that went on, are now both top of the class?

 

Am I misreading some time stamps here?

Woah! Huge exaggeration here. There is no mention of physical violence in the household! Destroyed children is yet another exaggeration. Our children were not destroyed, simply showing signs of stress and mild anger which I assume was attributed to the lack of empathy and withdrawal from the family due to my concentration someplace else at the time. Examples include my general frustration toward the children if they got hurt (e.g. - bumped head) or were having diffulty with lets say a puzzle, or Legos. The behavior problems were in the autumn timeframe (Sep-Nov) and our children seem to be showing much improved behavior since then with regard to their general happiness. We are talking 5-6 months of overall improvement which I attribute to a much happier environment.

[Allregrets]

The only way to stop affair behavior is to realize the problem is within. Everything else is just nonsense.

This limerance.. did you have experience in your life with this behavior? I have only lately come across this term and I became fascinated with it (ironically maybe a form of limerance to the behavior of limerance!) My apologies for not reading your previous post history at the moment. Your posts here on this topic bring up some very valid points, and I need to address them with my IC with regard to mitigating the chances of this happening again. One is naturally knowing the signs of infatuation with another human being. Why? Does it stem from childhood? Perhaps PTSD of some sort. I definitely have an addictive personality with regard to the fact that I can almost become infatuated with certain hobbies. Attention to detail is paramount in my life, always has been. I am a hardcore triathlete. I strive to do things that most people think are absolutely crazy.

 

I recall in college having an infatuation to my GF who lost her virginity with me. I held that closeness to me until it became almost an obsession; like she was my property or something. It was really strange, and yes almost like an infatuation. I was jealous for stupid reasons, and now that I ponder things I saw a lot of that relationship behavior in my A. I placed my GF at the time and my AP high on a pedestal, and both break-ups left me devastated.

Edited April 22, 2017 by Allregrets

[Allregrets]

Allregrets - I want to caution you on another point as well:

 

You post as if you are done...as if your saga is complete. Of course, your reconciliation has just begun, but you do seem to think you have moved on. I very much hope that is the case, but at two months past the beginning of NC, the fact that you are calling this over...well, let's just say you should be walking with your head very low, treading extremely lightly, and staying extraordinarily humble.

 

I do not have actual statistics, but I would hazard a guess that most affairs like yours do not end after the very first try. Most are almost like addictions and become like tennis matches in the amount of back and forth between NC, and "let's just see how she is," NC again, and "I just have to wish him happy birthday, NC AGAIN, and well, I'm in Boston and we can just have lunch, etc...

 

I am very hopeful that you are the exception and are strong and will not take this path. But there are two people involved in this relationship (in addition to your wife), and even if YOU are strong, you cannot rely on your AP. She may try to get in touch with you as well. And if it is during a moment of weakness, or even if not it can trigger you, you can easily cave. You just MUST stay vigilant to how very weak this has made you; to the fact that this is anything but over; and to not be so proud lest you fall.

 

Again, I hope you don't go back. I hope that last contact will remain your last one. It drove me nuts when people would tell me that I was "still in the affair" when I had indeed gotten out. So I will give you credit for getting out. But the key is staying there. You can do it. But it only happens with your consistent, active effort.

 

I have read that, in a high-limerence situation like yours, 18 months is about the required number to get through in order to not really be triggered by a former AP. Yes, it takes that long. That does not mean in 18 months you can hang out and be friends. You can't ever see that person again. But you are essentially at risk for starting the affair again for 18 months. That is how delicate this is. Be careful.

Thank you,

 

Both you and Spring23 have brought up limerance, and this term is going to be the focal point when I reconvene with my IC. I need to get to the core of my issues here and have been searching for answers since I "woke up" so to speak. It's quite frightening the can of worms that could be unveiled regarding my obsession with certain females. My response to Spring 23 moments ago points to a limerance I had with an xGF from college and how I placed her high on a pedestal, similar to my AP. Quite interesting.

 

Thank you for your input.

[Allregrets]

Until you acknowledge that you did not "find" yourself in an affair and stop projecting the heap loads of negativity about your AP you will remain stuck.

 

Affairs are not a lost and found, you did know what you were doing and are ripe for it to happen again. I speak from experience, it's a journey of misery before anything gets better.

 

Anything about your former AP is none of your business, you need to use that judgement on yourself. It's going to hurt and you'll be better for it eventually.

Thank you. More IC in my future to get to the root of this.

[Allregrets]

"@allregrets:

 

While that was an extremely long post, I can relate to you almost to a 'T'. Our stories (and likewise our way of thinking) are uncannily similar.

 

Everything you describe: meeting the AP unexpectedly, the inability to compartmentalize and withdrawal from spouse/family during the affair, the countless hours of google searches of leaving your spouse for AP (and ignoring the dire statistics and only favoring articles that further your disillusioned thinking), the trust issues with AP (her implicitness in the affair), the Dday, the inability to break it off with your AP (and wanting her to do the dirty work), the AP wanting you to leave your BW to be with her, the subsequent weening of yourself off of the affair (and the addiction), questioning if you're narcissistic and your moral fabric, the hotel triggers......I can relate almost 100%.

 

And then the strong wife at home who surprisingly stands by you and wants to reconcile....despite the tremendous harm you've done to her for your own ego boost. And it sounds to me like, from what I've read, this was all for an ego boost and nothing more...that there was nothing wrong per se with your marriage. Again, IDENTICAL to my story. My AP was a knock-out too...gorgeous, thin....but my wife has infinitely more substance..and is the best friend I could ever ask for. Why oh why did I hurt her?

 

It's almost as if you wrote my story. My AP was also a co-worker. The only difference is we work in close/daily proximity to each other...which is even more difficult to break.

 

Thanks for the read. It felt like looking in the mirror..."

 

 

Thanks for reading. I hope R is going well for you both.

Edited April 22, 2017 by Allregrets

[Spring23]

This limerance.. did you have experience in your life with this behavior? I have only lately come across this term and I became fascinated with it (ironically maybe a form of limerance to the behavior of limerance!) My apologies for not reading your previous post history at the moment. Your posts here on this topic bring up some very valid points, and I need to address them with my IC with regard to mitigating the chances of this happening again. One is naturally knowing the signs of infatuation with another human being. Why? Does it stem from childhood? Perhaps PTSD of some sort. I definitely have an addictive personality with regard to the fact that I can almost become infatuated with certain hobbies. Attention to detail is paramount in my life, always has been. I am a hardcore triathlete. I strive to do things that most people think are absolutely crazy.

 

I recall in college having an infatuation to my GF who lost her virginity with me. I held that closeness to me until it became almost an obsession; like she was my property or something. It was really strange, and yes almost like an infatuation. I was jealous for stupid reasons, and now that I ponder things I saw a lot of that relationship behavior in my A. I placed my GF at the time and my AP high on a pedestal, and both break-ups left me devastated.

 

Infatuation (in an affair) is usually a result of a need for fantasy because reality is stressful or boring or both and an outlet is needed.

 

It's long term prognosis is poor.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Allregrets

 

I am a 62 year old woman 33 years out from my affair...a one time sexual encounter.

 

When I confessed to my husband what i had done...I was not prepared for the pain i caused him....he was so emotionally broken that i took him to the doctor...who put him on antidepressants....he was suicidal...and a complete zombie.....we went to a therapist...who proceeded to blame him instead of me.

 

Granted...in those days...there was no internet....so we did not have the information folks have today....but regardless...emotional devastation is still devastion...regardless of the information available.

 

I have worked hard these past 33 years...to heal my husband...to heal our relationship..to improve myself...and it is a long slow process....day by day....one step forward...two steps back.

 

When folks come here to loveshack and declare great progress after two months...I am not only skeptical...I am completely doubtful that they even have a clue as to the pain but also the work involved in reconciliation.

 

Reconciliation is a lifelong committment. Because no matter how much progress you feel you have made....triggers happen...pain occurs....

 

My husband and i have made great progress....we are in love....we are happy...life is good. But those moments happen...when i see pain in his eyes....a remembrance of something i said or did....a commercial...a movie.... a song...where a trigger happens and a memory crosses your mind....a sadness that no matter how far you have come...no matter how hard you have worked...still can control the moment....still can remind you that it still exists.

 

Remorse is hard to understand....and i am quite sure you think you have this....but i promise you...until you can completely place yourself inside of your spouses pain...until you can understand what you have done to them....you have no idea what remorse is....you can argue with me all day long that you know...but i am here to tell you...few ever really know...few ever really understand....what they have done.

 

My husband is a remarkable man...he has stood by my side inspite of my betrayal. He has loved me and forgiven me....even when i was unlovable and unforgivable....and unremorseful.

 

There is no room for arrogance in remorse...it is humbling yourself and allowing yourself to absorb and experience within your soul the pain you have inflicted upon your spouse. It is not impathy...it is not sorrow...it is not sympathy...

 

remorse is much more than being sorry for what you have done.

 

It took me thirty years to understand the depth of the pain i caused....and while i might be a slow learner....I seriously doubt that a person two months out from no contact with their last lover has any kind of concept of the destruction their selfish behavior has caused....

 

I recommend these things

 

Set your boundaries very stringently.....become completely transparent to your spouse...all passwords and accounts..seek therapy....contact a lawyer to find out your rights in case your spouse decides to divorce you..read and absorb the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda macdonald....become completely honest with yourself....and do your best to put yourself inside your spouses pain...the pain that you caused.

[Birdies]

I agree with MrsJohnAdams above. You seem very confident that this chapter is behind you, your marriage is stronger than ever, etc. Just be prepared for this to break down explosively at some point. And if it doesn't, I would worry that your wife is doing what they call rug-sweeping - "moving on" from the affair quickly, without processing it fully, which means the trauma comes out down the road in unexpected and terrible way.

 

My former affair partner's wife had an affair and he rug swept it. He never recovered that emotional intimacy with her, and 4 years later he had his own affair and left her. Healing from the affair is hard at the time, but if you don't proactively do it, it'll just be harder later.

 

Ps - you should read the posts / join the website Surviving Infidelity. It will help you go about this the right way and also to understand your wife's perspective.

[BlackCherry]

Woah! Huge exaggeration here. There is no mention of physical violence in the household! Destroyed children is yet another exaggeration. Our children were not destroyed, simply showing signs of stress and mild anger which I assume was attributed to the lack of empathy and withdrawal from the family due to my concentration someplace else at the time. Examples include my general frustration toward the children if they got hurt (e.g. - bumped head) or were having diffulty with lets say a puzzle, or Legos. The behavior problems were in the autumn timeframe (Sep-Nov) and our children seem to be showing much improved behavior since then with regard to their general happiness. We are talking 5-6 months of overall improvement which I attribute to a much happier environment.

 

Oh I see. Apologies for misconstruing the situation. By physical violence I was talking about the one incident when your wife found out about the A and you said she beat the crap out of you while you lay on the bed and took it. I don't remember clearly but I seem to think your kids were watching tv in the house, I can't imagine they were fully unaware of what was going on. I hope you didn't think I was suggesting you were violent towards her, I was referring to that one off incident from your wife. I'm glad your kids are doing much better!

[Superchicken]

Allregrets

 

I am a 62 year old woman 33 years out from my affair...a one time sexual encounter.

 

When I confessed to my husband what i had done...I was not prepared for the pain i caused him....he was so emotionally broken that i took him to the doctor...who put him on antidepressants....he was suicidal...and a complete zombie.....we went to a therapist...who proceeded to blame him instead of me.

 

Granted...in those days...there was no internet....so we did not have the information folks have today....but regardless...emotional devastation is still devastion...regardless of the information available.

 

I have worked hard these past 33 years...to heal my husband...to heal our relationship..to improve myself...and it is a long slow process....day by day....one step forward...two steps back.

 

When folks come here to loveshack and declare great progress after two months...I am not only skeptical...I am completely doubtful that they even have a clue as to the pain but also the work involved in reconciliation.

 

Reconciliation is a lifelong committment. Because no matter how much progress you feel you have made....triggers happen...pain occurs....

 

My husband and i have made great progress....we are in love....we are happy...life is good. But those moments happen...when i see pain in his eyes....a remembrance of something i said or did....a commercial...a movie.... a song...where a trigger happens and a memory crosses your mind....a sadness that no matter how far you have come...no matter how hard you have worked...still can control the moment....still can remind you that it still exists.

 

Remorse is hard to understand....and i am quite sure you think you have this....but i promise you...until you can completely place yourself inside of your spouses pain...until you can understand what you have done to them....you have no idea what remorse is....you can argue with me all day long that you know...but i am here to tell you...few ever really know...few ever really understand....what they have done.

 

My husband is a remarkable man...he has stood by my side inspite of my betrayal. He has loved me and forgiven me....even when i was unlovable and unforgivable....and unremorseful.

 

There is no room for arrogance in remorse...it is humbling yourself and allowing yourself to absorb and experience within your soul the pain you have inflicted upon your spouse. It is not impathy...it is not sorrow...it is not sympathy...

 

remorse is much more than being sorry for what you have done.

 

It took me thirty years to understand the depth of the pain i caused....and while i might be a slow learner....I seriously doubt that a person two months out from no contact with their last lover has any kind of concept of the destruction their selfish behavior has caused....

 

I recommend these things

 

Set your boundaries very stringently.....become completely transparent to your spouse...all passwords and accounts..seek therapy....contact a lawyer to find out your rights in case your spouse decides to divorce you..read and absorb the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda macdonald....become completely honest with yourself....and do your best to put yourself inside your spouses pain...the pain that you caused.

 

You would be the "Only" self confessed cheat that I have respect for !.

However, I refuse to answer that I have stated that !!!.

 

 

You husband seems. to have eventually picked the right person to marry.

Geez, who said that..

 

 

Ted.

[mikeylo]

You have an addictive personality and are obsessed with certain females.

 

Dude, the above is not something that will help your relationship with your wife. Which women are you obsessed with ? How can you be fully with your wife when you are obsessed with others? It's a never ending hurt and deceit for her.

 

What am I missing ?

[Mrs. John Adams]

You would be the "Only" self confessed cheat that I have respect for !.

However, I refuse to answer that I have stated that !!!.

 

 

You husband seems. to have eventually picked the right person to marry.

Geez, who said that..

 

 

Ted.

 

Ted...he picked the right person to marry...i am the one who failed him. I thank you for the things you did NOT say...lol:p

[Allregrets]

Allregrets

 

I am a 62 year old woman 33 years out from my affair...a one time sexual encounter.

 

When I confessed to my husband what i had done...I was not prepared for the pain i caused him....he was so emotionally broken that i took him to the doctor...who put him on antidepressants....he was suicidal...and a complete zombie.....we went to a therapist...who proceeded to blame him instead of me.

 

Granted...in those days...there was no internet....so we did not have the information folks have today....but regardless...emotional devastation is still devastion...regardless of the information available.

 

I have worked hard these past 33 years...to heal my husband...to heal our relationship..to improve myself...and it is a long slow process....day by day....one step forward...two steps back.

 

When folks come here to loveshack and declare great progress after two months...I am not only skeptical...I am completely doubtful that they even have a clue as to the pain but also the work involved in reconciliation.

 

Reconciliation is a lifelong committment. Because no matter how much progress you feel you have made....triggers happen...pain occurs....

 

My husband and i have made great progress....we are in love....we are happy...life is good. But those moments happen...when i see pain in his eyes....a remembrance of something i said or did....a commercial...a movie.... a song...where a trigger happens and a memory crosses your mind....a sadness that no matter how far you have come...no matter how hard you have worked...still can control the moment....still can remind you that it still exists.

 

Remorse is hard to understand....and i am quite sure you think you have this....but i promise you...until you can completely place yourself inside of your spouses pain...until you can understand what you have done to them....you have no idea what remorse is....you can argue with me all day long that you know...but i am here to tell you...few ever really know...few ever really understand....what they have done.

 

My husband is a remarkable man...he has stood by my side inspite of my betrayal. He has loved me and forgiven me....even when i was unlovable and unforgivable....and unremorseful.

 

There is no room for arrogance in remorse...it is humbling yourself and allowing yourself to absorb and experience within your soul the pain you have inflicted upon your spouse. It is not impathy...it is not sorrow...it is not sympathy...

 

remorse is much more than being sorry for what you have done.

 

It took me thirty years to understand the depth of the pain i caused....and while i might be a slow learner....I seriously doubt that a person two months out from no contact with their last lover has any kind of concept of the destruction their selfish behavior has caused....

 

I recommend these things

 

Set your boundaries very stringently.....become completely transparent to your spouse...all passwords and accounts..seek therapy....contact a lawyer to find out your rights in case your spouse decides to divorce you..read and absorb the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda macdonald....become completely honest with yourself....and do your best to put yourself inside your spouses pain...the pain that you caused.

Thank you for your heartfelt response. It's so touching to me in so many ways. 30 years. Wow. I am only grasping the mere tip of the iceberg as to the scope of damage I have inflicted upon my BW. I will do everything in my power to guide her through the pain I have caused.

Thank you

[Allregrets]

You have an addictive personality and are obsessed with certain females.

 

Dude, the above is not something that will help your relationship with your wife. Which women are you obsessed with ? How can you be fully with your wife when you are obsessed with others? It's a never ending hurt and deceit for her.

 

What am I missing ?

Well it appeared I was obsessed with my AP, but those feelings seem to be textbook affair feelings.