Never Again

[Allregrets]

SaveYourHeart,

 

Yes, I work in that industry. It takes two to tango and naturally I am to blame (much more than my AP) for this mess. I think it was so powerful because I was willing to put my family on the line for her. I was about to give up everything and now that I have been out of the thick of the fog, I am stunned that I would do such a thing. I think it stems from anger and resentment more than anything now.

[Allregrets]

Thank you for sharing your story. In your posts you mentioned how completely incompatible, how totally out of tune, mismatched in ambition, sexual drive, and interests you and your wife are. She's an angel for wanting to reconcile I agree, but in what ways will all the aforementioned be addressed?

PhillyLibertyBelle,

 

Great question. Honestly, the problems stem from me, not her. I am broken; she is not. In the beginning of our relationship I felt she and I were not compatable primarily because we had different love expectations. Sadly, mine was based on superficiality and lust, hers on establishing a geneuine solid relationship (that would last long term). We had similar goals in the end but the delivery system to attain those goals were based on completely different models. Through IC (and soon to be MC) as well as The books Not Just friends and the Love Languages have taught me that real love is about building a foundation of trust and friendship. Lust is temporary. No wonder every prior relationship has failed. It was built on lust and when it faded the relationship ran its course.

Edited April 19, 2017 by Allregrets

[Allregrets]

Well written but thick on drama.

 

The synopsis of your story is quite basic. Your working environment is thick with infidelity and it appears you were ok with your married co-workers getting something on the side. You probably never mentioned to your wife the cheating that goes on your "business trips". Perhaps not being truthful to your wife about the things going on at your work would put a damper on work trips and your fun.

 

Mid life crisis, older man younger away from home on business. Hook-ups the norm. Meets a willing Married other woman on business trip and..... yawn....nothing unique rather run of the mill basic cheating.

 

Also typical is not giving a crap about the kids....too busy living a fantasy.

Why would your feelings for your wife justify losing connection for your children?

Did hearing from the Ow tell you what a great father father you were make it so in reality?

 

Of course there's the justification that the wife only see's you as a pay check and doesn't appreciate how hard you work...excluding the little mini work vacations at hotels and bars and shuffle board games....out of town work conferences are so exhausting...lol.

 

True to form you've labeled the OW as the demon, but perhaps she's the mirror image of yourself.

 

Also typical is you are acting as if you're a martyr by trying to reconcile with your wife. Even after you confessed you continued your affair, and still seem obsessed and addicted to a woman you really don't know or trust.

 

You're definitely attracted to women who are equally shallow as yourself. You married your wife because she's the only woman you trusted.

 

Looks like you have the Madonna Whore Complex Issue.

 

You barely out of the affair mindset and it's early days on the long road ahead of you.

 

 

Please don't drag your wife to Marriage Counselling and get IC counselling separately.

Yes, absolutely. I can be very black and white; it's either this or that with no grey areas. Typical analytical thought process. True about my wife - I trusted her 100%, and never once questioned her fidelity to me. As for the Madonna-Whore complex, I've never heard of that but yes, that is exactly how I currently see women. Black and white. I can be very judgmental.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

It's this;

 

However, thHowever, there were really no fireworks, no huge attraction but we still connected on a friendship level. She is an artist, introverted and smart, whereas I am an extrovert, gregarious and very type-A driven. Needless to say, we became a couple for a few years and grew together. However my hang-up has been that our relationship developed online; it was never a "first look and instant connection/attraction" that I have always related to. This was new type of falling in love, something that built on mutual friendship.

 

Every relationship I've had has started as an initial attraction and was complimented with effective communication. Everything clicked, and there's always been chemistry. I have never used any hookup apps, have never had a one-night stand, as I've only met women either through work, school or mutual friends and from there a relationship builds. Meeting girls at a club or receiving lap dances in Las Vegas has always repulsed me. Anyway, I assume this is how most of it goes for most people (or at least it did prior to dating/hookup apps). There's no other way prior to the Internet that I would've ever met my second W. It simply would've never happened in a million years. Then I began to think if she was put into a situation where I would've met her like I have met all my other past significant others, there would've been no attraction, no real connection. I would've just passed her without a second thought in the world. We are both from completely different walks of life; she is nothing like me at all, nor would I ever find her in a social setting with any of my friends. Ever. I feel at times she has held me back, pulled me down like a boat anchor by not supporting my decision to seek better opportunities or promotions throughout my career. I used to be a super motivated, "seize the day!" kind of individual. Now sometimes I feel like a caged dog. I've never received a "high-five!" From her; it's more like "well I don't really feel comfortable about all this" kind of response. She is very grounding, but for a man with high energy who aspires to reach for the moon, I can feel quashed. Im definitely not the fun guy I used to be. I'm more like her now; reserved, quiet. Sometimes I hate it. Sometimes I attribute it to having demanding children and getting older. This in itself has become my problem as I think about this all the time. ere were really no fireworks, no huge attraction but we still connected on a friendship level. She is an artist, introverted and smart, whereas I am an extrovert, gregarious and very type-A driven. Needless to say, we became a couple for a few years and grew together. However my hang-up has been that our relationship developed online; it was never a "first look and instant connection/attraction" that I have always related to. This was new type of falling in love, something that built on mutual friendship.

 

Every relationship I've had has started as an initial attraction and was complimented with effective communication. Everything clicked, and there's always been chemistry. I have never used any hookup apps, have never had a one-night stand, as I've only met women either through work, school or mutual friends and from there a relationship builds. Meeting girls at a club or receiving lap dances in Las Vegas has always repulsed me. Anyway, I assume this is how most of it goes for most people (or at least it did prior to dating/hookup apps). There's no other way prior to the Internet that I would've ever met my second W. It simply would've never happened in a million years. Then I began to think if she was put into a situation where I would've met her like I have met all my other past significant others, there would've been no attraction, no real connection. I would've just passed her without a second thought in the world. We are both from completely different walks of life; she is nothing like me at all, nor would I ever find her in a social setting with any of my friends. Ever. I feel at times she has held me back, pulled me down like a boat anchor by not supporting my decision to seek better opportunities or promotions throughout my career. I used to be a super motivated, "seize the day!" kind of individual. Now sometimes I feel like a caged dog. I've never received a "high-five!" From her; it's more like "well I don't really feel comfortable about all this" kind of response. She is very grounding, but for a man with high energy who aspires to reach for the moon, I can feel quashed. Im definitely not the fun guy I used to be. I'm more like her now; reserved, quiet. Sometimes I hate it. Sometimes I attribute it to having demanding children and getting older. This in itself has become my problem as I think about this all the time.

 

months became years, I complained non stop to her about how unhappy I was becoming. My closest friends knew I was miserable with her. I was feeling taken advantage of and I became dissatisfied with what my life had become; I felt like I was a paycheck to her and nothing else. I did not receive what I needed, which was affirmation that I was doing the right thing. I didn't feel loved or respected. I would come home exhausted and find myself doing the laundry, the bills, the yard work, and dinner plus dishes. I was feeling so worthless. This went on for over three years. Is this what I wanted in life? Absolutely not. However, I carried on. I became depressed. Our sex life went to absolute zero; no sex in months. When we were intimate once a quarter, it was late at night, after a bottle of wine and with lights off. She hated it. There was no passion. It was awful.

 

 

 

1. No fireworks

2. No chemistry

3. She holds me back

4. Did I settle

5. No sex

6. No passion

7. Introvert / extrovert

8. You were stressed over lack of finances but you gave OW expensive gifts but not to your wife

 

You can see more that I don't need to point out. She's your wife who has stood by you which is amazing and you have children which are a gift, however those things don't fundamentally resolve what you have written about your wife. How are you going to deal with that stuff?

[mikeylo]

It's this;

 

However, thHowever, there were really no fireworks, no huge attraction but we still connected on a friendship level. She is an artist, introverted and smart, whereas I am an extrovert, gregarious and very type-A driven. Needless to say, we became a couple for a few years and grew together. However my hang-up has been that our relationship developed online; it was never a "first look and instant connection/attraction" that I have always related to. This was new type of falling in love, something that built on mutual friendship.

 

Every relationship I've had has started as an initial attraction and was complimented with effective communication. Everything clicked, and there's always been chemistry. I have never used any hookup apps, have never had a one-night stand, as I've only met women either through work, school or mutual friends and from there a relationship builds. Meeting girls at a club or receiving lap dances in Las Vegas has always repulsed me. Anyway, I assume this is how most of it goes for most people (or at least it did prior to dating/hookup apps). There's no other way prior to the Internet that I would've ever met my second W. It simply would've never happened in a million years. Then I began to think if she was put into a situation where I would've met her like I have met all my other past significant others, there would've been no attraction, no real connection. I would've just passed her without a second thought in the world. We are both from completely different walks of life; she is nothing like me at all, nor would I ever find her in a social setting with any of my friends. Ever. I feel at times she has held me back, pulled me down like a boat anchor by not supporting my decision to seek better opportunities or promotions throughout my career. I used to be a super motivated, "seize the day!" kind of individual. Now sometimes I feel like a caged dog. I've never received a "high-five!" From her; it's more like "well I don't really feel comfortable about all this" kind of response. She is very grounding, but for a man with high energy who aspires to reach for the moon, I can feel quashed. Im definitely not the fun guy I used to be. I'm more like her now; reserved, quiet. Sometimes I hate it. Sometimes I attribute it to having demanding children and getting older. This in itself has become my problem as I think about this all the time. ere were really no fireworks, no huge attraction but we still connected on a friendship level. She is an artist, introverted and smart, whereas I am an extrovert, gregarious and very type-A driven. Needless to say, we became a couple for a few years and grew together. However my hang-up has been that our relationship developed online; it was never a "first look and instant connection/attraction" that I have always related to. This was new type of falling in love, something that built on mutual friendship.

 

Every relationship I've had has started as an initial attraction and was complimented with effective communication. Everything clicked, and there's always been chemistry. I have never used any hookup apps, have never had a one-night stand, as I've only met women either through work, school or mutual friends and from there a relationship builds. Meeting girls at a club or receiving lap dances in Las Vegas has always repulsed me. Anyway, I assume this is how most of it goes for most people (or at least it did prior to dating/hookup apps). There's no other way prior to the Internet that I would've ever met my second W. It simply would've never happened in a million years. Then I began to think if she was put into a situation where I would've met her like I have met all my other past significant others, there would've been no attraction, no real connection. I would've just passed her without a second thought in the world. We are both from completely different walks of life; she is nothing like me at all, nor would I ever find her in a social setting with any of my friends. Ever. I feel at times she has held me back, pulled me down like a boat anchor by not supporting my decision to seek better opportunities or promotions throughout my career. I used to be a super motivated, "seize the day!" kind of individual. Now sometimes I feel like a caged dog. I've never received a "high-five!" From her; it's more like "well I don't really feel comfortable about all this" kind of response. She is very grounding, but for a man with high energy who aspires to reach for the moon, I can feel quashed. Im definitely not the fun guy I used to be. I'm more like her now; reserved, quiet. Sometimes I hate it. Sometimes I attribute it to having demanding children and getting older. This in itself has become my problem as I think about this all the time.

 

months became years, I complained non stop to her about how unhappy I was becoming. My closest friends knew I was miserable with her. I was feeling taken advantage of and I became dissatisfied with what my life had become; I felt like I was a paycheck to her and nothing else. I did not receive what I needed, which was affirmation that I was doing the right thing. I didn't feel loved or respected. I would come home exhausted and find myself doing the laundry, the bills, the yard work, and dinner plus dishes. I was feeling so worthless. This went on for over three years. Is this what I wanted in life? Absolutely not. However, I carried on. I became depressed. Our sex life went to absolute zero; no sex in months. When we were intimate once a quarter, it was late at night, after a bottle of wine and with lights off. She hated it. There was no passion. It was awful.

 

 

 

1. No fireworks

2. No chemistry

3. She holds me back

4. Did I settle

5. No sex

6. No passion

7. Introvert / extrovert

8. You were stressed over lack of finances but you gave OW expensive gifts but not to your wife

 

You can see more that I don't need to point out. She's your wife who has stood by you which is amazing and you have children which are a gift, however those things don't fundamentally resolve what you have written about your wife. How are you going to deal with that stuff?

 

I guess he felt lack of those before the affair.

 

OP, big life changing events change people, either makes them better or worse. Black and white thinking is something that people develop over their life experiences. Nothing wrong with it. After being together for few years , couples who are compatible, even begin to look alike.

 

Your wife seems to have a good head and heart.

[somanymistakes]

OP, big life changing events change people, either makes them better or worse. Black and white thinking is something that people develop over their life experiences. Nothing wrong with it.

 

I would strongly disagree with this. People simply are not black and white, and seeing things in those terms makes it impossible to deal with problems when they come up in your life.

 

If you see people only as all-good or all-bad, then either you are blind to their bad points and potentially let them get worse unchecked, because "she's a GOOD person everything she does is good" or you throw people away as soon as you see a fault in them, because "she has done a BAD thing therefore she is a BAD person". These attitudes could have devastating consequences for his relationships with his wife and daughter.

 

... I wonder if there's a support group somewhere for daughters of pilots, I certainly knew enough of them growing up and yes, most of their parents ended up divorced due to the fathers cheating.

[Furious]

Our chemistry is fantastic now. Quite honestly, it's better than ever. The reason it dropped off prior to my A was because I was such an angry man. She did not feel attracted to me, thus no intimacy. Since then we have connected like never before.

 

 

It's very common that spouses reconnect and experience high intensity chemistry and sexual bonding. The connection is magnified and it cannot be faked, an intense need for each that is mind blowing. Often, bared souls and honesty opens the floodgates.

 

Also, very common for WS's to justify their cheating by rewriting their marriage history and as the affair takes hold they subconsciously sabotage their marriage by creating conflict and rejecting intimacy with their spouse. It's a way of giving themselves the excuse and the permission to be doing what they're doing.

[mikeylo]

It's very common that spouses reconnect and experience high intensity chemistry and sexual bonding. The connection is magnified and it cannot be faked, an intense need for each that is mind blowing. Often, bared souls and honesty opens the floodgates.

 

True. If reconciliation is handled with care, both become vulnerable and open to giving and receiving. That could be the reason for increased chemistry. Like they say it's easy to get the girl but hella job to keep her.

[Furious]

Our chemistry is fantastic now. Quite honestly, it's better than ever. The reason it dropped off prior to my A was because I was such an angry man. She did not feel attracted to me, thus no intimacy. Since then we have connected like never before.

 

 

It's very common that spouses reconnect and experience high intensity chemistry and sexual bonding. The connection is magnified and it cannot be faked, an intense need for each that is mind blowing. Often, bared souls and honesty opens the floodgates.

 

Also, very common for WS's to justify their cheating by rewriting their marriage history and as the affair takes hold they subconsciously sabotage their marriage by creating conflict and rejecting intimacy with their spouse. It's a way of giving themselves the excuse and the permission to be doing what they're doing.

[Overtaxed]

It's very common that spouses reconnect and experience high intensity chemistry and sexual bonding. The connection is magnified and it cannot be faked, an intense need for each that is mind blowing. Often, bared souls and honesty opens the floodgates.

 

Also, very common for WS's to justify their cheating by rewriting their marriage history and as the affair takes hold they subconsciously sabotage their marriage by creating conflict and rejecting intimacy with their spouse. It's a way of giving themselves the excuse and the permission to be doing what they're doing.

 

Exactly what my wife did. Her A was short, and when we started to put together the wreckage, the re-writing she had done really had me shocked at the level of self-deception. I'm an avid photographer, and I arrange all my pictures by dates, so laying the pictures we took together over the timeline of the A, it was really difficult for her not to see the re-writing. About 3 weeks before the AP initiated contact, we were off on vacation having a fantastic time together. I know we were, because I was there, and I have the pictures of us together; we were struggling about an issue (children) that we'd struggled with for years, but it was no different (actually, maybe better) than it had been in the past. I'm very thankful I have those pictures because, to hear her tell the story, you'd think we were at each other's throats for years when this happened. No, 3 weeks before this happened, we were climbing a mountain together and snapping selfies kissing one another. Amazing how twisted it can get in the mind of the WS and how easy it is to let yourself, as the LS become convinced "Yeah, it was all bad".

[Starswillshine]

Exactly what my wife did. Her A was short, and when we started to put together the wreckage, the re-writing she had done really had me shocked at the level of self-deception. I'm an avid photographer, and I arrange all my pictures by dates, so laying the pictures we took together over the timeline of the A, it was really difficult for her not to see the re-writing. About 3 weeks before the AP initiated contact, we were off on vacation having a fantastic time together. I know we were, because I was there, and I have the pictures of us together; we were struggling about an issue (children) that we'd struggled with for years, but it was no different (actually, maybe better) than it had been in the past. I'm very thankful I have those pictures because, to hear her tell the story, you'd think we were at each other's throats for years when this happened. No, 3 weeks before this happened, we were climbing a mountain together and snapping selfies kissing one another. Amazing how twisted it can get in the mind of the WS and how easy it is to let yourself, as the LS become convinced "Yeah, it was all bad".

 

5 minutes before finding out there was a 3rd party in my marriage, I was too how amazing I was and how awesome our marriage was. After? He hasn't been happy for years.

 

Funny. Hysterical, actually.

[Southern Sun]

Thanks for sharing your story. It is interesting to hear the perspective of an MM who fell "in love." We get told over and over on this board that we fMW (or OW) were used only for sex. I can't decide how much it matters to me anymore or exactly what my xMM thought. I was at least his 4th affair (he was my first). He did SEEM to be very in love with me...for a time, anyway.

 

I find it interesting how victimized you feel...as if she was a predator in your scenario. You talk a lot about how you could never trust her, you wonder if she was a narc or sociopath, you wonder why her husband divorced her (as if you suspect cheating in her past). I certainly relate to feeling a lack of trust towards the AP. There is a foundational reason for that. But if you were actually considering building a life with this person, how victimized could you really have been? It seems it is happening only now, in retrospect, now that you have faced consequences. Perhaps you should do some thinking about this. Yes, she may have approached you the first night. But as you said, you were the one that called her after that.

 

Affairs are essentially pointless. Full of feelings but a path to nowhere (sometimes worse) and almost guaranteed pain for some or all participants. Really bad odds.

[Birdies]

Our chemistry is fantastic now. Quite honestly, it's better than ever. The reason it dropped off prior to my A was because I was such an angry man. She did not feel attracted to me, thus no intimacy. Since then we have connected like never before.

 

Just be aware that there is commonly a period of hot and heavy intimacy ("hysterical bonding" it's called), but the sex life usually returns to its pre-A state unless you proactively and consciously work to change it.

 

Not to mention, apparently 6-12 months after the affair, the betrayed spouse usually goes through a phase of intense anger. It's like the shock wears off and the justifiable anger at being in this situation finally surfaces. Your post is all about you until literally the last paragraph....just try to remember that while you may be mourning, your outward focus should 100% be on your spouse. Good luck.

[calmb4thestorm]

@allregrets:

 

While that was an extremely long post, I can relate to you almost to a 'T'. Our stories (and likewise our way of thinking) are uncannily similar.

 

Everything you describe: meeting the AP unexpectedly, the inability to compartmentalize and withdrawal from spouse/family during the affair, the countless hours of google searches of leaving your spouse for AP (and ignoring the dire statistics and only favoring articles that further your disillusioned thinking), the trust issues with AP (her implicitness in the affair), the Dday, the inability to break it off with your AP (and wanting her to do the dirty work), the AP wanting you to leave your BW to be with her, the subsequent weening of yourself off of the affair (and the addiction), questioning if you're narcissistic and your moral fabric, the hotel triggers......I can relate almost 100%.

 

And then the strong wife at home who surprisingly stands by you and wants to reconcile....despite the tremendous harm you've done to her for your own ego boost. And it sounds to me like, from what I've read, this was all for an ego boost and nothing more...that there was nothing wrong per se with your marriage. Again, IDENTICAL to my story. My AP was a knock-out too...gorgeous, thin....but my wife has infinitely more substance..and is the best friend I could ever ask for. Why oh why did I hurt her?

 

It's almost as if you wrote my story. My AP was also a co-worker. The only difference is we work in close/daily proximity to each other...which is even more difficult to break.

 

Thanks for the read. It felt like looking in the mirror...

Edited April 20, 2017 by calmb4thestorm

[Spring23]

Well written but thick on drama.

 

The synopsis of your story is quite basic. Your working environment is thick with infidelity and it appears you were ok with your married co-workers getting something on the side. You probably never mentioned to your wife the cheating that goes on your "business trips". Perhaps not being truthful to your wife about the things going on at your work would put a damper on work trips and your fun.

 

Mid life crisis, older man younger away from home on business. Hook-ups the norm. Meets a willing Married other woman on business trip and..... yawn....nothing unique rather run of the mill basic cheating.

 

Also typical is not giving a crap about the kids....too busy living a fantasy.

Why would your feelings for your wife justify losing connection for your children?

Did hearing from the Ow tell you what a great father father you were make it so in reality?

 

Of course there's the justification that the wife only see's you as a pay check and doesn't appreciate how hard you work...excluding the little mini work vacations at hotels and bars and shuffle board games....out of town work conferences are so exhausting...lol.

 

True to form you've labeled the OW as the demon, but perhaps she's the mirror image of yourself.

 

Also typical is you are acting as if you're a martyr by trying to reconcile with your wife. Even after you confessed you continued your affair, and still seem obsessed and addicted to a woman you really don't know or trust.

 

You're definitely attracted to women who are equally shallow as yourself. You married your wife because she's the only woman you trusted.

 

Looks like you have the Madonna Whore Complex Issue.

 

You barely out of the affair mindset and it's early days on the long road ahead of you.

 

 

Please don't drag your wife to Marriage Counselling and get IC counselling separately.

 

I didn't read the whole story because it was just too long. But from what I read it seemed like a regular affair. Two married people having fun and not caring about their spouses.

 

It's a good post as it shows the simple fact: Affairs aren't romantic. They're sleazy.

[Allregrets]

I didn't read the whole story because it was just too long. But from what I read it seemed like a regular affair. Two married people having fun and not caring about their spouses.

 

It's a good post as it shows the simple fact: Affairs aren't romantic. They're sleazy.

Absolutely.

[Allregrets]

@allregrets:

 

While that was an extremely long post, I can relate to you almost to a 'T'. Our stories (and likewise our way of thinking) are uncannily similar.

 

Everything you describe: meeting the AP unexpectedly, the inability to compartmentalize and withdrawal from spouse/family during the affair, the countless hours of google searches of leaving your spouse for AP (and ignoring the dire statistics and only favoring articles that further your disillusioned thinking), the trust issues with AP (her implicitness in the affair), the Dday, the inability to break it off with your AP (and wanting her to do the dirty work), the AP wanting you to leave your BW to be with her, the subsequent weening of yourself off of the affair (and the addiction), questioning if you're narcissistic and your moral fabric, the hotel triggers......I can relate almost 100%.

 

And then the strong wife at home who surprisingly stands by you and wants to reconcile....despite the tremendous harm you've done to her for your own ego boost. And it sounds to me like, from what I've read, this was all for an ego boost and nothing more...that there was nothing wrong per se with your marriage. Again, IDENTICAL to my story. My AP was a knock-out too...gorgeous, thin....but my wife has infinitely more substance..and is the best friend I could ever ask for. Why oh why did I hurt her?

 

It's almost as if you wrote my story. My AP was also a co-worker. The only difference is we work in close/daily proximity to each other...which is even more difficult to break.

 

Thanks for the read. It felt like looking in the mirror...

Yes, I agree on the ego boost. Call it a MC. My wife offers so much more substance and I dumped all over her. I took her for granted. Maybe I was just too comfortable, maybe I wasn't challenged. Sad.

[Allregrets]

I would strongly disagree with this. People simply are not black and white, and seeing things in those terms makes it impossible to deal with problems when they come up in your life.

 

If you see people only as all-good or all-bad, then either you are blind to their bad points and potentially let them get worse unchecked, because "she's a GOOD person everything she does is good" or you throw people away as soon as you see a fault in them, because "she has done a BAD thing therefore she is a BAD person". These attitudes could have devastating consequences for his relationships with his wife and daughter.

 

... I wonder if there's a support group somewhere for daughters of pilots, I certainly knew enough of them growing up and yes, most of their parents ended up divorced due to the fathers cheating.

Yes, in my profession most often see in black and white. The Air Line Pilots Association has conducted studies on the pilot personality. They concluded that pilots tend to exhibit 24 traits. Traits are the ways that we typically respond to given situations. Obviously, every pilot won’t have each and every trait but they tend to have at least half of them.

 

The 24 Pilot Personality Traits

 

Physically and mentally healthy

Reality based

Self-sufficient

Difficulty trusting anyone to do a job as well as themselves

Suspicious

Intelligent but not intellectual

They like “toys”

Good at taking things apart and putting them back together

Concrete, practical, linear thinkers rather than abstract, philosophical, or theoretical.

More analytical than emotional.

Reality-oriented

Goal-oriented

Short term goal orientation and not long-term goal driven.

Bimodal (black/white, on/off, good/bad, safe/unsafe)

Tend to modify environment instead of their behavior

Hunger for excitement

Competitive

Do not handle failure well

Low tolerance for personal imperfection

Long memories of perceived injustices.

Draw conclusions about people at a glance rather than relying on long and emotion-laden conversation.

Avoid introspection

Have difficulty revealing, expressing, or even recognizing feelings.

When experiencing unwanted feelings, a tendency to mask them with humor or anger.

Edited April 21, 2017 by Allregrets

[Chica80]

Yes, in my profession most often see in black and white. The Air Line Pilots Association has conducted studies on the pilot personality. They concluded that pilots tend to exhibit 24 traits. Traits are the ways that we typically respond to given situations. Obviously, every pilot won’t have each and every trait but they tend to have at least half of them.

 

The 24 Pilot Personality Traits

 

Physically and mentally healthy

Reality based

Self-sufficient

Difficulty trusting anyone to do a job as well as themselves

Suspicious

Intelligent but not intellectual

They like “toys”

Good at taking things apart and putting them back together

Concrete, practical, linear thinkers rather than abstract, philosophical, or theoretical.

More analytical than emotional.

Reality-oriented

Goal-oriented

Short term goal orientation and not long-term goal driven.

Bimodal (black/white, on/off, good/bad, safe/unsafe)

Tend to modify environment instead of their behavior

Hunger for excitement

Competitive

Do not handle failure well

Low tolerance for personal imperfection

Long memories of perceived injustices.

Draw conclusions about people at a glance rather than relying on long and emotion-laden conversation.

Avoid introspection

Have difficulty revealing, expressing, or even recognizing feelings.

When experiencing unwanted feelings, a tendency to mask them with humor or anger.

 

 

This has nothing to do with how "good" or wonderful your wife is or how "bad" your AP is.....it has everything to do with YOU.

 

You can sit here and paint your AP as awful and how horrible she was compared to your wife.....but that didn't stop you from cheating. That didn't stop you from hurting your family. You made choices.

It may help you in the meantime to make the other person the "evil" one in order to reconnect with your wife.

 

But if you don't fix YOU or look at why you did this and how you can keep it from occurring again.....it will happen again. Because you've already had that "hit of cocaine" and will make it that much easier to go back the next time when in the same circumstances.

[Allregrets]

[/b]

 

 

This has nothing to do with how "good" or wonderful your wife is or how "bad" your AP is.....it has everything to do with YOU.

 

You can sit here and paint your AP as awful and how horrible she was compared to your wife.....but that didn't stop you from cheating. That didn't stop you from hurting your family. You made choices.

It may help you in the meantime to make the other person the "evil" one in order to reconnect with your wife.

 

But if you don't fix YOU or look at why you did this and how you can keep it from occurring again.....it will happen again. Because you've already had that "hit of cocaine" and will make it that much easier to go back the next time when in the same circumstances.

You're absolutely right. I am pondering how to approach fixing myself with my IC. He has heard my story and has offered STOP signs when I have certain triggers, but I am wondering how I get to the core of my problem to ensure that I am indeed mitigating chances of looking for a "quick fix".

[Allregrets]

I came across this post from a Flight Attendant Blogger who posts under theflightattendantlife(dot)com and she wrote a post that really hit me in the stomach. I read it over and over again, then read it to my IC and broke down crying. During the early raw weeks post-A, I was searching for anything to help me understand myself and others in my profession who have fallen down this dark path. My father was an airline Captain and my mother (they are still married after 50-plus years!) says he is now a broken man. She can't leave him and has stayed by his side through thick and thin. I even told her (in anger) to leave him so he could get the point but she just can't. They are 76 years old. I also asked post-A if there was any infidelity in their marriage and she said, "of course there was!" so matter of fact, like I should have known or something. She then said, "it was the seventies, and the sexual revolution". I responded, "Mom!!!!?" Anyway, here's the post. It's truly unbelievable how it hits home:

 

Don’t Marry Old Captains

 

if you find yourself with a man who wears his anger like a bruise

left long ago by his stepfather’s fist

and his first wife’s infidelities I suggest you take every loving piece of you that wants to help him heal

and run

don’t walk

 

Every fragment of your being

will pay the price

for those ghosts

 

Your friends will warn you

The doctors will tell you to leave

You show up at your mother’s door

whom you haven’t spoken to in a year

begging her to tell you how to be a wife to a man so mad.

She will look at you wide-eyed and sad

knowing she did not raise her daughter to join

the waves of women

who have learned to keep their mouths shut

 

You will become a shadow of who you once were

trying to show him how big love is while he slams doors and yells

that he’s never had a good wife

and just how miserable you make him

 

If there is a sound when the spirit breaks, you hear it now

 

His teenage son sits feet away whispering to you how sorry he is

for his father

and you start to see the bruise appear on him too

another generation of inherited anger

that swore

they’d ‘never be like him’

[Chica80]

You're absolutely right. I am pondering how to approach fixing myself with my IC. He has heard my story and has offered STOP signs when I have certain triggers, but I am wondering how I get to the core of my problem to ensure that I am indeed mitigating chances of looking for a "quick fix".

 

That is a looooong road....and a looong journey.....

 

It is not a easy or quick fix by any means. It takes time and work. Especially to get to the core of your issues. Remember whatever issues you have, have been there for years decades......so to change that thought processes and beliefs will not be quick.

 

I suggest you go read a post by Clockwatching on the OW/OM board, she makes some interesting insightful post.

[Southern Sun]

Allregrets - I want to caution you on another point as well:

 

You post as if you are done...as if your saga is complete. Of course, your reconciliation has just begun, but you do seem to think you have moved on. I very much hope that is the case, but at two months past the beginning of NC, the fact that you are calling this over...well, let's just say you should be walking with your head very low, treading extremely lightly, and staying extraordinarily humble.

 

I do not have actual statistics, but I would hazard a guess that most affairs like yours do not end after the very first try. Most are almost like addictions and become like tennis matches in the amount of back and forth between NC, and "let's just see how she is," NC again, and "I just have to wish him happy birthday, NC AGAIN, and well, I'm in Boston and we can just have lunch, etc...

 

I am very hopeful that you are the exception and are strong and will not take this path. But there are two people involved in this relationship (in addition to your wife), and even if YOU are strong, you cannot rely on your AP. She may try to get in touch with you as well. And if it is during a moment of weakness, or even if not it can trigger you, you can easily cave. You just MUST stay vigilant to how very weak this has made you; to the fact that this is anything but over; and to not be so proud lest you fall.

 

Again, I hope you don't go back. I hope that last contact will remain your last one. It drove me nuts when people would tell me that I was "still in the affair" when I had indeed gotten out. So I will give you credit for getting out. But the key is staying there. You can do it. But it only happens with your consistent, active effort.

 

I have read that, in a high-limerence situation like yours, 18 months is about the required number to get through in order to not really be triggered by a former AP. Yes, it takes that long. That does not mean in 18 months you can hang out and be friends. You can't ever see that person again. But you are essentially at risk for starting the affair again for 18 months. That is how delicate this is. Be careful.

[Allregrets]

That is a looooong road....and a looong journey.....

 

It is not a easy or quick fix by any means. It takes time and work. Especially to get to the core of your issues. Remember whatever issues you have, have been there for years decades......so to change that thought processes and beliefs will not be quick.

 

I suggest you go read a post by Clockwatching on the OW/OM board, she makes some interesting insightful post.

OK, thank you.

[Allregrets]

Allregrets - I want to caution you on another point as well:

 

You post as if you are done...as if your saga is complete. Of course, your reconciliation has just begun, but you do seem to think you have moved on. I very much hope that is the case, but at two months past the beginning of NC, the fact that you are calling this over...well, let's just say you should be walking with your head very low, treading extremely lightly, and staying extraordinarily humble.

 

I do not have actual statistics, but I would hazard a guess that most affairs like yours do not end after the very first try. Most are almost like addictions and become like tennis matches in the amount of back and forth between NC, and "let's just see how she is," NC again, and "I just have to wish him happy birthday, NC AGAIN, and well, I'm in Boston and we can just have lunch, etc...

 

I am very hopeful that you are the exception and are strong and will not take this path. But there are two people involved in this relationship (in addition to your wife), and even if YOU are strong, you cannot rely on your AP. She may try to get in touch with you as well. And if it is during a moment of weakness, or even if not it can trigger you, you can easily cave. You just MUST stay vigilant to how very weak this has made you; to the fact that this is anything but over; and to not be so proud lest you fall.

 

Again, I hope you don't go back. I hope that last contact will remain your last one. It drove me nuts when people would tell me that I was "still in the affair" when I had indeed gotten out. So I will give you credit for getting out. But the key is staying there. You can do it. But it only happens with your consistent, active effort.

 

I have read that, in a high-limerence situation like yours, 18 months is about the required number to get through in order to not really be triggered by a former AP. Yes, it takes that long. That does not mean in 18 months you can hang out and be friends. You can't ever see that person again. But you are essentially at risk for starting the affair again for 18 months. That is how delicate this is. Be careful.

I recently came across the term Limerence (from here, I believe) and it is sobering how one can be addicted to the other person. It could've been any person, and that is frightening how powerful the draw really is. My BW and I have discussed an "action plan" if I am to come across my xAP (and sooner or later it will happen - let's hope LATER) and she mentioned that I just do not show any emotion. We simply pass, and move on. There are to be no smiles, no hellos, nothing. She is to be another stranger. Sad, considering five months ago this person was such a huge part of my life, and now absolutely nothing. Then of course I will immediately tell my BW. Prior to work I make sure my xAP is nowhere in my schedule for the week, and I plan to keep it that way. HOWEVER - with that said, since our breakup she has made her private Instagram account PUBLIC (which is strange) and yes, I did take a peek a while back (but I no longer do and have blocked her) and she is sending huge smoke signals by posting pics of places we have visited together (pics I took of her almost a year ago) either as a slap in my face or is reminiscing about the good times. Now I simply do not look anymore. Damn SocialMedia!

Edited April 21, 2017 by Allregrets