She doesn't want exclusivity?

[Crosswords]

Ok each to their own. "Nothings" is the right word for it, if you ask me!

 

 

In my experience, people who say all this fluff don't truly believe that others will like them without it.

 

 

I'm definitely keen to know what brand of crazy comes out of this one!

 

What do you mean by "people who say this fluff don't truly believe that others will like them without it"

Maybe with an example too.

[Mkn1010]

One example is a guy I dated, he was 30yrs old, highly insecure, had limited relationship experience aside from bad endings. Anyway, long story short, this guy, after probably date 3-4, started texting me things like "I miss you". Which to me is weird, because only weeks ago we weren't in each other's lives at all. He also referred to all these things we were going to do together in future (eg he asked me if I would want to spend NYE with him even though it was more than 6 months away at that time). You see, this guy didn't feel like he was truly enough on his own without having to butter me up. I knew that he was insecure too because he asked me questions like about how many orgasms my exes could give me.

 

 

The above dude ended up fading out just as quickly as he came into my life. We dated for ONE MONTH in total and he couldn't have possibly have known all the things he told me about our future together as he didn't know me and vice versa. And HE KNEW THAT TOO, but also knew that people get attached when you add this extra flavoring into the mix. They're not letting the interactions speak for themselves, which is what I think you should be doing that early on, but rather excessively love bombing the person with future talk/compliments/declarations and 'I miss you's.

 

 

A smart lady here once told me that ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. Don't forget that.

[GemmaUK]

Admittedly I have only read the opening post but she sounds pretty wise to me.

 

If she came off OKC so soon into seeing you I think you'd make the assumption that she is already all in and that's not the impression she wants to give.

It takes longer than 7 dates to get to know someone - which is what she has said she wants to do.

[Crosswords]

One example is a guy I dated, he was 30yrs old, highly insecure, had limited relationship experience aside from bad endings. Anyway, long story short, this guy, after probably date 3-4, started texting me things like "I miss you". Which to me is weird, because only weeks ago we weren't in each other's lives at all. He also referred to all these things we were going to do together in future (eg he asked me if I would want to spend NYE with him even though it was more than 6 months away at that time). You see, this guy didn't feel like he was truly enough on his own without having to butter me up. I knew that he was insecure too because he asked me questions like about how many orgasms my exes could give me.

 

 

The above dude ended up fading out just as quickly as he came into my life. We dated for ONE MONTH in total and he couldn't have possibly have known all the things he told me about our future together as he didn't know me and vice versa. And HE KNEW THAT TOO, but also knew that people get attached when you add this extra flavoring into the mix. They're not letting the interactions speak for themselves, which is what I think you should be doing that early on, but rather excessively love bombing the person with future talk/compliments/declarations and 'I miss you's.

 

 

A smart lady here once told me that ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. Don't forget that.

 

I see. There is valididatly in what you're saying.

However, I believe if a woman says that to a man first it is much different. Plus, I think we already ask ourselves these big questions when first starting to get to know someone. Some people could just be saying their thoughts to gauge the others interest and reaction?

[Crosswords]

Admittedly I have only read the opening post but she sounds pretty wise to me.

 

If she came off OKC so soon into seeing you I think you'd make the assumption that she is already all in and that's not the impression she wants to give.

It takes longer than 7 dates to get to know someone - which is what she has said she wants to do.

 

I can agree with this

[Crosswords]

Well it's 12:10pm here, and she hasn't reached out to me since our last contact about 42 hours ago..

 

Should I message her if she doesn't message me, or should I continue to wait for her to make the next move?

[soyou]

I was dating a guy for 5 weeks and then he asked me for exclusivity.

 

I was mad because I didnt want to commit and it's a bit too soon.

 

BUT my guy told me "If you dont agree being exclusive, then I'll be out. I dont want you to date or sleep with any other guys".

 

I liked him very much so I was down for the exclusivity even though if I coukd, I would like to wait a bit longer and date more people!

 

My point is - she doesnt feel that strong about you!

 

ACTION speaks louder than words.

 

I've not read all of your post but I have a feeling you're a sweet guy and a bit of a pusherover.

 

Own your own decision and life. Dont hang in there and wait for her!

 

Date more people! Dont focus on her because she doesnt want to date you exclusively!

[Life lessons]

Well it's 12:10pm here, and she hasn't reached out to me since our last contact about 42 hours ago..

 

Should I message her if she doesn't message me, or should I continue to wait for her to make the next move?

 

Good afternoon! I came to ask you if she's reached out....I see she hasn't!

 

Eeek---that's tough considering it's been 42 hours. I personally would wait but it's completely up to you. I would be curious to see if she reached out and how long it takes. If her feelings are as strong as she's implied, I'm surprised she's not reached out yet.... she may very well reach out any minute!?

[Crosswords]

I was dating a guy for 5 weeks and then he asked me for exclusivity.

 

I was mad because I didnt want to commit and it's a bit too soon.

 

BUT my guy told me "If you dont agree being exclusive, then I'll be out. I dont want you to date or sleep with any other guys".

 

I liked him very much so I was down for the exclusivity even though if I coukd, I would like to wait a bit longer and date more people!

 

My point is - she doesnt feel that strong about you!

 

ACTION speaks louder than words.

 

I've not read all of your post but I have a feeling you're a sweet guy and a bit of a pusherover.

 

Own your own decision and life. Dont hang in there and wait for her!

 

Date more people! Dont focus on her because she doesnt want to date you exclusively!

 

She could feel strong about me. She said she just wants to get to know me better. I can respect that. And maybe her history plays apart in her decision. Maybe she had strong feelings for someone before and went exclusive too soon and he turned out to be a jerk, so she wants to make sure that I'm consistent?

 

I don't feel I should have gave her an ultimatum though, like your guy did. Like you said, you wanted to still date more people and test out the waters before seriously committing, but you didn't - you gave in to him.

 

I don't think me sticking around and being understanding makes me a pushover. I am very sweet, yes, but from my dating history, giving ultimatums to force someone's hand doesn't work too well later on.

 

At least if I offered exclusivity and she said what she said, then 1 month down the road she brought it up again, I would know for sure she just wants me! And that she didn't settle for me.

[Life lessons]

Also, I recall you saying she works until 2 o'clock, so at least wait until this afternoon to see if she reaches out to you.

 

Does she get the typical 12 o'clock lunch break at her employment! If so, and if it's around 12:30, where you're at, maybe she'll contact you at her lunch break!?

[Crosswords]

Good afternoon! I came to ask you if she's reached out....I see she hasn't!

 

Eeek---that's tough considering it's been 42 hours. I personally would wait but it's completely up to you. I would be curious to see if she reached out and how long it takes. If her feelings are as strong as she's implied, I'm surprised she's not reached out yet.... she may very well reach out any minute!?

 

Yea, I'm a bit surprised too. But she may be thrown from my previous text? Or waiting for me. I'm not sure.

 

Previous text..

 

Monday at 6pm

 

*sent her a network contact for her career*

Her: Awe thank you!!!

Me: You're welcome

Her: I miss you

Me: Yeah? What do you miss about me?

Her: All of you

Me: Mm, you're sweet

Her: Thnkx

 

Time now: 1:20pm Wednesday

[Life lessons]

She could feel strong about me. She said she just wants to get to know me better. I can respect that. And maybe her history plays apart in her decision. Maybe she had strong feelings for someone before and went exclusive too soon and he turned out to be a jerk, so she wants to make sure that I'm consistent?

 

I don't feel I should have gave her an ultimatum though, like your guy did. Like you said, you wanted to still date more people and test out the waters before seriously committing, but you didn't - you gave in to him.

 

I don't think me sticking around and being understanding makes me a pushover. I am very sweet, yes, but from my dating history, giving ultimatums to force someone's hand doesn't work too well later on.

 

At least if I offered exclusivity and she said what she said, then 1 month down the road she brought it up again, I would know for sure she just wants me! And that she didn't settle for me.

 

I guess what others are saying and myself as well is that the words being spoke don't exactly match with the actions.

 

If both of you have strong feelings....which again, I hardly think a months time is enough time to know someone in that way....but I guess it could happen to you both...but anyway, back to my point......if the feelings are that strong then why can't she commit to being exclusive and why hasn't she reached out to you!?

 

I'm also not seeing words match actions here or the actions matching the words... I would listen to other posters that say actions speak louder....because they certainly do. Words can be cheap!

[Crosswords]

Also, I recall you saying she works until 2 o'clock, so at least wait until this afternoon to see if she reaches out to you.

 

Does she get the typical 12 o'clock lunch break at her employment! If so, and if it's around 12:30, where you're at, maybe she'll contact you at her lunch break!?

 

She works only 3 days a week at the moment. Sun, Mon, Tues

[Life lessons]

Yea, I'm a bit surprised too. But she may be thrown from my previous text? Or waiting for me. I'm not sure.

 

Previous text..

 

Monday at 6pm

 

*sent her a network contact for her career*

Her: Awe thank you!!!

Me: You're welcome

Her: I miss you

Me: Yeah? What do you miss about me?

Her: All of you

Me: Mm, you're sweet

Her: Thnkx

 

Time now: 1:20pm Wednesday

 

Why do you think she may be thrown off in regards to your last text! I'm not seeing anything abnormal, so to speak.

 

It just seems like a sweet text between you two...nothing alarming and I don't see anything that could throw someone off. Maybe I'm missing something. Lol

[Crosswords]

I guess what others are saying and myself as well is that the words being spoke don't exactly match with the actions.

 

If both of you have strong feelings....which again, I hardly think a months time is enough time to know someone in that way....but I guess it could happen to you both...but anyway, back to my point......if the feelings are that strong then why can't she commit to being exclusive and why hasn't she reached out to you!?

 

I'm also not seeing words match actions here or the actions matching the words... I would listen to other posters that say actions speak louder....because they certainly do. Words can be cheap!

 

I can agree with all of this. But why would she say such great words and then not commit to exclusivity? It's so strange. She doesn't strike me as someone who just talks. When she says it, it seems so meaningful. She even said she doesn't say this to just anyone.

 

And when she invited me to her sister wedding in august she said she has never brought home anyone special... just one guy, who she knew wasn't "the one"

[Crosswords]

Why do you think she may be thrown off in regards to your last text! I'm not seeing anything abnormal, so to speak.

 

It just seems like a sweet text between you two...nothing alarming and I don't see anything that could throw someone off. Maybe I'm missing something. Lol

 

She could be thrown because I didn't say 'I miss you too'. So maybe she thinks I've withdrawn or something?

[marksaysay]

She could feel strong about me. She said she just wants to get to know me better. I can respect that. And maybe her history plays apart in her decision. Maybe she had strong feelings for someone before and went exclusive too soon and he turned out to be a jerk, so she wants to make sure that I'm consistent?

 

I don't feel I should have gave her an ultimatum though, like your guy did. Like you said, you wanted to still date more people and test out the waters before seriously committing, but you didn't - you gave in to him.

 

I don't think me sticking around and being understanding makes me a pushover. I am very sweet, yes, but from my dating history, giving ultimatums to force someone's hand doesn't work too well later on.

 

At least if I offered exclusivity and she said what she said, then 1 month down the road she brought it up again, I would know for sure she just wants me! And that she didn't settle for me.

 

This is something I had to learn just recently with a situation just like yours. What do you want? Exclusivity, right? At this moment, she's not willing to give you what you want. Are you absolutely sure that she will ever be ready and willing to give you what you want? My answer would be NO.

 

I went through the same situation for way longer than I should've and I would've saved myself a lot of time and emotion had I answered this simple question. If I could give you the best advise, it would be to not wait. Remember that life is ultimately about our own individual happiness. Right now, you're doing what she wants. If she's not ready to give you what you want, an exclusive relationship, I'd say move on. There are so many others out there.

 

In my case, and many others like mine, the day when she was ready never came.

Edited April 5, 2017 by marksaysay

[Life lessons]

I can agree with all of this. But why would she say such great words and then not commit to exclusivity? It's so strange. She doesn't strike me as someone who just talks. When she says it, it seems so meaningful. She even said she doesn't say this to just anyone.

 

And when she invited me to her sister wedding in august she said she has never brought home anyone special... just one guy, who she knew wasn't "the one"

 

That's strange to me as well. I know I would never say the things she's said, within a month of dating. That's too much, imo. Simple because you can't possibly know the person that well, in such a short amount of time.

 

Also, the whole exclusive thing is throwing me off. If she even remotely thought she meant/means these things, why would she not want to be exclusive?? That's very misleading and confusing.

 

In regards to why would she say certain things.....I would simply say, Women know when to be sweet. lol especially when we want a man to like us more' the majority of relationships start off great, simply because you see what that other person wants you to see of them. That's why you need to get to know one another before talking about growing old together.

 

But honestly, all of what you've stated about her and what she's said to you just doesn't make sense to me...and throwing in that she doesn't want to be exclusive with you throws it off even more. Again....my opinion.

[Life lessons]

She could be thrown because I didn't say 'I miss you too'. So maybe she thinks I've withdrawn or something?

 

I would doubt that because if you didn't care, you wouldn't have went out of your way to send her a networking opportunity. Certainly she can see that!?

[Crosswords]

I would doubt that because if you didn't care, you wouldn't have went out of your way to send her a networking opportunity. Certainly she can see that!?

 

True. But maybe one doesn't have to do with the other. Because her response after I said 'Mm, you're sweet' is a little weird. She's never used the word 'thnkx' like that before..

 

I dunno o guess I'll just wait. And in the meantime line up other dates? I just hope she messages by the end of today!

Going in to the weekend with no plans isn't very reassuring

[Life lessons]

True. But maybe one doesn't have to do with the other. Because her response after I said 'Mm, you're sweet' is a little weird. She's never used the word 'thnkx' like that before..

 

I dunno o guess I'll just wait. And in the meantime line up other dates? I just hope she messages by the end of today!

Going in to the weekend with no plans isn't very reassuring

 

Okay...I see your point, but I still don't think that would be enough in your or her case....more so considering what you've both shared (word wise) with one another.

 

If she would not reach out simply because you didn't say "I miss you" back to her, then that should open your eyes a little more. That's a little petty, imo...if that's indeed the case.

 

I do think you waiting is the better choice. Give her some time to miss you.

 

Yeah, not having weekend plans kinda sucks....but hopefully she's just busy and will reach out to you later.

[salparadise]

I can agree with all of this. But why would she say such great words and then not commit to exclusivity? It's so strange. She doesn't strike me as someone who just talks. When she says it, it seems so meaningful. She even said she doesn't say this to just anyone.

 

 

Because she can. You aren't a challenge. In terms of supply-demand equation, she knows it's a seller's market and she has nothing to lose by continuing to entertain new bidders. She knows that she's in control and can get away with it, and if you should decide to drop out there are plenty of others showing interest. She has the power and she enjoys leveraging it.

 

I hate that crap. I know you already have feelings, but your best move would be to back off. Go silent for a few days and wait on her to ask what's up. Tell her this thing is one-sided and feels unhealthy. Tell her you aren't going to invest in a woman who's still playing the field after all that has transpired between you (acknowledgment of feelings and sex). Put up a profile where she can see it and let her wonder...

 

Or just acknowledge that this actually isn't healthy and you don't want a relationship where the woman is not meeting you half way and willing to invest also. I know it's hard when you're having feelings, but I think this is just nuts.

[Life lessons]

Because she can. You aren't a challenge. In terms of supply-demand equation, she knows it's a seller's market and she has nothing to lose by continuing to entertain new bidders. She knows that she's in control and can get away with it, and if you should decide to drop out there are plenty of others showing interest. She has the power and she enjoys leveraging it.

 

I hate that crap. I know you already have feelings, but your best move would be to back off. Go silent for a few days and wait on her to ask what's up. Tell her this thing is one-sided and feels unhealthy. Tell her you aren't going to invest in a woman who's still playing the field after all that has transpired between you (acknowledgment of feelings and sex). Put up a profile where she can see it and let her wonder...

 

Or just acknowledge that this actually isn't healthy and you don't want a relationship where the woman is not meeting you half way and willing to invest also. I know it's hard when you're having feelings, but I think this is just nuts.

 

 

Well said and exactly what I've been trying to say...but in other words. Great post and I agree 100%!

[Crosswords]

Because she can. You aren't a challenge. In terms of supply-demand equation, she knows it's a seller's market and she has nothing to lose by continuing to entertain new bidders. She knows that she's in control and can get away with it, and if you should decide to drop out there are plenty of others showing interest. She has the power and she enjoys leveraging it.

 

I hate that crap. I know you already have feelings, but your best move would be to back off. Go silent for a few days and wait on her to ask what's up. Tell her this thing is one-sided and feels unhealthy. Tell her you aren't going to invest in a woman who's still playing the field after all that has transpired between you (acknowledgment of feelings and sex). Put up a profile where she can see it and let her wonder...

 

Or just acknowledge that this actually isn't healthy and you don't want a relationship where the woman is not meeting you half way and willing to invest also. I know it's hard when you're having feelings, but I think this is just nuts.

 

That may be true. I don't think having a confrontational discussion is best. Might be a little harsh and heavy. Could scare her away, especially since we are not exclusive. It's not like she's hiding anything from me - that I know of. She's been pretty forthcoming and open.

 

And I have been silent for a few days. Because I haven't messaged her, nor has she messaged me.. so for all she knows, I could be on dates. I still have my profile up on OkStupid.

 

I can recognize that she's not investing as much as I am. I guess women just like men who are emotionally unavailable in the beginning and then want them to open up later..

[Life lessons]

And I have been silent for a few days. Because I haven't messaged her, nor has she messaged me.. so for all she knows, I could be on dates. I still have my profile up on OkStupid.

 

I can recognize that she's not investing as much as I am. I guess women just like men who are emotionally unavailable in the beginning and then want them to open up later..

 

I think you're doing very well thus far. The waits always difficult!

 

It's not that we like men who are emotionally unavailable, it's more of us not liking a guy that seems too eager at first. You always want to keep the female semi guessing your feelings at first. Don't ever immediately throw you're true feelings out because it will certainly push most females away.