Relationship issue [I can’t see myself marrying her the way things currently are]

[d0nnivain]

Ok. But what are you all's takes on what I said in my previous post, about my saying that continuing NC might covvey to her that I just don't care and never did?

 

 

Your EX is a smart independent woman with a good job. She doesn't think you never cared.

 

 

You two broke up for a lot of reasons. You not caring was not one of them.

 

 

You are insistent on sending the letter because some subconscious part of you thinks it will magically change her mind & make everything better. the letter isn't going to make her come running back. It just won't. It may make her angry. She may share it with her friends or worse the world & use it to try to humiliate you.

 

 

There is so much more than go wrong with sending it then not sending it. Chose wisely.

[Miyoko]

Ok. But what are you all's takes on what I said in my previous post, about my saying that continuing NC might covvey to her that I just don't care and never did?

 

For example, She was the one who always posted pictures of our dates on facebook, Titling the photos, " Me and my king" Me, not really being a Facebook person didn't post photos that often. Needless to say, she mentioned some time ago that she was always the one posting pics of us and I didn't have any photos of her. Which is untrue, I had a photo of us two on my cover page for over 2 years, and she did too.

 

But you get my point, she posted many more on her page. She May Have Been CARRYING That Feeling Of Neglect for some time

 

She's very manipulative, another reason why NC is for the best.

[djoner]

You all are very helpful.

 

I guess what I can make of this, I have a hard time letting go. I knew I was going to be feeling somewhat responsible for not marrying her because I always blame myself for things, but I do know better.

 

And also my guilt magnified by reading some of the posts earlier in this thread that said I'm wasting her time, I'm lying to her, I had dated away the rest of her 20s, etc, etc, yada yada.

 

I shouldn't pay attention to that because I never lied to her about marriage. I tried talking with her on many occasions about what we needed to do in the relationship to grow toward marriage, but the next day, she would be back taking shots at me trying to make me feel guilty for not being ready to marry her.

 

I know that solved nothing.

[Whodatdog]

The bottom line here is, people are responsible for their own decisions. You are responsible for yours, she is responsible for hers. I know nowadays is popular to always blame others for your actions, but its just not true.

 

Guilt has no place in a healthy relationship. You need to be there because you want to be, because it feels like the right thing to do, not because you feel you owe it to her, or because you feel like you "dated away her 20's". If you didnt tie her up and keep her in the basement, then she made her own decisions.

 

Ultimately, you two just werent compatible enough for marriage. It happens. Thats why you date and try and work things out when your dating. If you cant get on the same page while you're dating, it will be 10 times worse if you marry, especially if you marry out of guilt.

 

Of course you miss her and the relationship. And you will for a while. But you saved yourself a bad marriage, and a worse divorce. It would have been inevitable.

[NTV]

Dude. Come on. You dodged a bullet here. Given time you will see That.

 

"She will think I never cared" is bullcrap. You know it. What she thinks no longer matters. She kept you are because you showed her you had the potential to fill her check book. Plan b for when plan a (mooching off her folks) fell through.

 

You don't get that you're midthirties no kids stable job own your own place.... you are prime real estate for a lot of single women who do want marriage and kids. Responsible hot adult women who like lots of sex. Your market value is higher now than ever.

 

Breakups aren't easy. I get the whole host of emotions you're going through. But two months from now? You probably won't be feeling like you are now. So just don't get sacked back into this. The relationship is over. Let the feelings pass and then get back out there.

[aileD]

She was not carrying a feeling of neglect, she was carrying a feeling of entitlement. If she wasnt getting her way, she was having temper tantrums. I didnt read anything where you were causing her neglect. At all. Mentioning who posts the most pictures is kid stuff. She hasnt acted like an adult, and this just proves it. NC. NC. NC.

 

I think this is more of a love language thing. Maybe her love language is words of affirmation. Maybe she feels love the most when you are telling the world how special she is to you. Your love language isn't the same. So she's trying to show you how much she loves you in the way she wants to be shown love--with affirmation, public posts, pics etc. it doesn't mean much to you because it's not how you feel loved.

[stillafool]

You have nothing to feel guilty about. She acts like a child, yells and calls you names, can't manage money, is demanding marriage yet you feel guilty. You need to get angry - at yourself for putting up with her. More than likely she is holding out on contacting you knowing you will cave and perhaps buy her a ring and move her in. I doubt seriously she still has the 20 thousand anymore and is looking to move from her moms house into yours so she will be free to spend as she wants to while someone else (you) pay the bills. Who cares about her FB or what she is posting? Do yourself a favor and stay off of it, stay away from her and get out of the house and have some fun.

[djoner]

Whodatdog, NTV, stillafool and every one everyone else, Reading your words have gotten me through these last few days and it's been helping me through this battle of the Mind VS Heart i've been fighting with..

 

Anyway, today is my birthday. I didn't expect to hear from her since it's been 14 days of NC since the night she sent me that break up text. She contacted me this afternoon via text message wishing me a "Happy Birthday". I replied saying "Thank you, how are you". She replied "Fine how are you." I replied "Good".

 

She eventually asked me If I had any plans tonight and we could grab a bite for dinner if I was up to it. I replied that I was with my sister and on my way to my Uncle house and wasn't sure what time I would be back.

 

Long story short, The pain that I have gone through these last couple of weeks has been real. I've gone on a few friendly dates to get my mind off of things. I wasn't rude and don't want to be rude to her, but maybe she was trying to offer me a birthday dinner to pay me back for me taking her for her birthday dinner last month.

 

We've gone down this road before. About 6 months ago, after 5 days of not speaking to me, she came back, we made up (with sex of course), then she was back to the marriage talk again within 2 days like nothing ever happened. Same thing when she was threatening a break up this past Valentines Day.

 

She's confusing. I don't know if I want to open up that door right now to potentially go back in the relationship. I don't want to blame myself like I gave up on her all together, but she did that 2 weeks ago and the other 5 times she "BROKE UP" with me within the last year.

Edited April 16, 2017 by djoner

[NTV]

My bet is every breakup with you has the real motivation of her wanting to shag someone else. "But we we were broken up at the time so it wasn't cheating! "

 

You have dodged a nasty chick who used you.

 

Another idea is to fine yourself. Every time you think of her you have to put 25 bucks or whatever is a good fee in your savings.

 

It will help to associate a cost with her. Because that's her goal. To sponge up whatever is in your wallet.

[Whodatdog]

She is not confusing. You can read her like a book. She is doing the same thing over and over to get the result that she wants.

 

Dont read more into her contacting you than is there. She's still on the same fastrack to get married.

[BTDT2012]

Of course the pain is real. Just don't jump back into a relationship with her just to dull the pain. And is she should suggest dinner again, tell her that you will meet her there. And don't take her home with you.

[AMarriedMan]

Of course the pain is real. Just don't jump back into a relationship with her just to dull the pain. And is she should suggest dinner again, tell her that you will meet her there. And don't take her home with you.

 

There is no reason at all to have dinner with her.

[djoner]

Well I ended up not having dinner with her that day. I made up an excuse and texted her saying I was headed somewhere. She texted back saying, " Well that's ok. Do your thang." I haven't heard from her since.

 

I think I need to clear something else up to my post #133 where I said " I've gone on a few dates to get my mind off things." Those dates were with other women not my ex. It was just hard for me to enjoy myself because I kept thinking by trying to get my ex off my mind, it meant I never really cared about her.

 

That's why I made those comments about not caring a few pages back.

[djoner]

Hey LS

 

Well my ex contacted me yesterday via text saying we needed to talk. I replied asking "ok. What about?" She replied "just everything".

 

I told her that I had a few appointments 2day (now yesterday) and maybe we can grab lunch 2mrw (now 2day). SHe immediately replied, "That's ok don't worry about it!" I asked her "Why?" She replied," You seem like you're busy so handle your business. I'm unavailable tomorrow." I simply told her that we need to try when we both are available, unless u want to talk over the phone! She said, "we should do it in person."

 

Now all of what I told her about my appointments during the day was the truth, but I did not tell her I had a movie date planned last night. However, she called me twice while I was at the movies. About 30 min later, I texted her saying I couldn't answer her call and will call her back.

 

I'm wondering if by me being unavailable is sending off the vibe to her that I'm not phased by this whole break up deal. These past 3 weeks, I've been hurting, but to a woman, if I don't jump at the opportunity to talk, that means I'm not missing her. It was difficult and totally against the grain for me to not just want to meet up with her and confess how much emotional turmoil I've been in.

[Whodatdog]

She's still trying to control you and the relationship you two have. You're making it tough on her. Poor baby.

[djoner]

Update and question:

 

As i mentioned before, Last saturday night, she called me twice after texting me earlier that day saying we needed to talk (in person) earlier that day. I missed both calls.

 

I returned her call the next morning and she mentioned she wanted to see the new fast and furious movie. I'm thinking to myself, "we can't talk in a movie!?" I told her I had to go look after my father in the hospital and would get with her later if time permitted.

 

Long story short, I told her we would have to link up during the week after work. She said ok.

 

So I texted her tues and said I was available that evening if she still wanted to talk and to meet me at the starbucks. She replied "sounds good".

 

10 minutes later she replies, " After thinking about it, there's nothing we need to talk about that we haven't already discussed. I just want to see the movie." I replied, "what do u mean? We barely discussed anything!" She replies, "I just don't feel like we are ever going to agree or be on the same page." I never responded.

 

I think that was the main problem. She didn't communicate. I was the communicator who tried to talk through things. When we got in arguments, she would pout, leave, threaten breakups, etc.

 

I just don't know if I did the right think by not responding. I just didn't feel comfortable going to a movie w/her like we were still on the same terms we were pre-break up. We never even really discussed the relationship or break up. I think she wants to sweep everything under the rug and pretend nothing happened and then we cool again.

 

Any thoughts?

 

Am I being too hard?

Edited April 29, 2017 by djoner

[doyathinkso]

Time to block her I would think.

[Whodatdog]

Lordy what a wack job this one is. She is totally trying to still control you and the situation. Rather than just say, lets go to the movies, its lets meet and talk.

 

She agrees to meet up with you, and then declines. It wasnt her idea to meet at Starbucks, but she made damn sure she was the one to turn you down.

 

You definitely did the right thing by not responding. Its ALL about control with her.

[djoner]

Lordy what a wack job this one is. She is totally trying to still control you and the situation. Rather than just say, lets go to the movies, its lets meet and talk.

 

She agrees to meet up with you, and then declines. It wasnt her idea to meet at Starbucks, but she made damn sure she was the one to turn you down.

 

You definitely did the right thing by not responding. Its ALL about control with her.

 

She only declined starbucks. She wanted to go to the movie.

[BaileyB]

She only declined starbucks. She wanted to go to the movie.

 

Either way, when you break up you don't keep going on dates with that person. This woman is self-centred and demanding. You would do well to block her.

[Whodatdog]

Update and question:

 

As i mentioned before, Last saturday night, she called me twice after texting me earlier that day saying we needed to talk (in person) earlier that day. I missed both calls.

 

I returned her call the next morning and she mentioned she wanted to see the new fast and furious movie. I'm thinking to myself, "we can't talk in a movie!?" I told her I had to go look after my father in the hospital and would get with her later if time permitted.

 

Long story short, I told her we would have to link up during the week after work. She said ok.

 

So I texted her tues and said I was available that evening if she still wanted to talk and to meet me at the starbucks. She replied "sounds good".

 

10 minutes later she replies, " After thinking about it, there's nothing we need to talk about that we haven't already discussed. I just want to see the movie." I replied, "what do u mean? We barely discussed anything!" She replies, "I just don't feel like we are ever going to agree or be on the same page." I never responded.

 

I think that was the main problem. She didn't communicate. I was the communicator who tried to talk through things. When we got in arguments, she would pout, leave, threaten breakups, etc.

 

I just don't know if I did the right think by not responding. I just didn't feel comfortable going to a movie w/her like we were still on the same terms we were pre-break up. We never even really discussed the relationship or break up. I think she wants to sweep everything under the rug and pretend nothing happened and then we cool again.

 

Any thoughts?

 

Am I being too hard?

 

The calls and text you missed were to "talk". Next thing you know, she wants to go to a movie, not talk.

[djoner]

The calls and text you missed were to "talk". Next thing you know, she wants to go to a movie, not talk.

 

Exactly.

 

When we talked on the phone that next morning, it was basically small talk. (How've you been, yada yada ).I'm still in the process of detaching from her since her break up text seemed so final.

 

Going to the movies with her or any date besides a quick bite or coffee is not good for me right now.

 

I remember us having little disagreements which often led to her storming out of the house, threatening, or not talking for several days. Then the next day she was back on the marriage obsession. Two different extremes.

 

Shes pretty emotionally unstable. I've been told by a few people that "It's a woman thing". I guess that maybe why I put up with it for so long.

[Downtown]

Shes pretty emotionally unstable. I've been told by a few people that "It's a woman thing."

Djoner, that is true only for temporary bouts of emotional instability. As I noted earlier (post 41), the most common cause of temporary instability is hormone changes. Because women give birth to babies, they experience more hormone changes than men do -- e.g., PMS, pregnancy, postpartum, and perimenopause.

 

With regard to persistent instability, however, women are not more unstable. As I noted in that same post, the two common causes of persistent instability are Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder. A recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults found that the lifetime prevalence of BPD is the same (about 6%) for both genders. For Bipolar, the lifetime prevalence is slightly higher for men.

 

I mention this distinction because, when a 31 y.o. woman without children has been exhibiting strong instability for four years, you are not describing temporary instability. Hence, you are NOT describing "a woman thing." Instead, you are describing persistent instability. This is why I suggested that you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar.

[djoner]

I mention this distinction because, when a 31 y.o. woman without children has been exhibiting strong instability for four years, you are not describing temporary instability. Hence, you are NOT describing "a woman thing." Instead, you are describing persistent instability. This is why I suggested that you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar.

 

Thanks Downtown

 

I read your list on the warning signs in your post several weeks ago. At first, I had a hard time differentiating BPD from Bipolar and trying to find out which one was more severe.

 

I just re-read your post and a related topic you posted in called "She's crazy but I love her". I have to say that alot of the signs you had in there matched my ex to a tee, except my ex is less aggressive and more passive/aggressive than some of those in your example.

 

After reading those topics, I feel a little better. I was thinking by trying to move on and not go back to her that it meant that I didn't really love her. But i discovered about myself that I became the typical "caretaker" or enabler to have put up with her crap for so long. I especially felt like taking care of her after her father passed away last year, so I gave her a pass on alot of things, even those things were prevalent before her Dad died.

[Downtown]

I read your list on the warning signs in your post several weeks ago. ...I had a hard time differentiating BPD from Bipolar and trying to find out which one was more severe.

Djoner, that list I cited does not distinguish between the two disorders. Instead, it only provides my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. After living with your GF for four years, however, it should be easy to distinguish between BPD warning signs and those of Bipolar. I describe these differences between the two sets of behaviors at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. It is largely based on my 35 years of experience with my Bipolar-1 foster son and my 15 years of experience with my BPDer exW.

 

My ex is less aggressive and more passive/aggressive than some of those in your example.

Djoner, the vast majority of BPDers turn their anger outward into a display of drama and emotionalism. Indeed, the key defining trait for BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions. This is why most BPDers show their anger outwardly. That is, they are "talkers" and thus act out strongly with lots of loud verbal abuse when their fears are triggered.

 

However, a small share of BPDers -- I would guess 5% to 10% -- show the outward rages only a small part of the time. Most of the time, when you trigger their two fears, they turn their anger inward upon themselves. Not surprisingly, these BPDers are called "quiet borderlines" or "waif borderlines."

 

Significantly, their being "quiet" much of the time does not mean their partners escape punishment. These BPDers typically punish their partners with passive-aggressive snide remarks, icy silence, cold withdrawal, and presenting themselves as helpless victims. But the anger may occasionally be expressed outward in the form of rage or a temper tantrum.

 

Because these quiet BPDers constitute only a small share of the BPDer group, little has been written about their behavior. It therefore is difficult to find online articles about them that are written by professionals. Consequently, I have been citing the same two online articles for many years. You may find them insightful. One is A.J. Mahari's blog article at The Quiet Acting-In Borderline. The second is Shari Schreiber's blog article at Borderline Waifs: Rescuing The Woman Who Doesn't Want To Be Saved.