Relationship issue [I can’t see myself marrying her the way things currently are]

[d0nnivain]

djoner

 

 

I'm about as high maintenance as they come. My husband shakes his head sometimes because when he was single, if you had asked him he would have said that the last thing he ever wanted was a girl like me -- lol. He wanted the so called down to earth girl next door, which is so not me.

 

 

I'm not high maintenance in the sense that I want some guy to buy stuff for me. (See my post about buying myself a house but still expecting my FI to come up with an engagement ring). I have a BIG birthday coming up. When DH asked me what I wanted I told him -- the once in a lifetime trip to Hawaii complete with helicopter rides, fancy dinners, breathtaking views, champagne at sunset etc. We leave tomorrow.

 

 

Marriage is work. It's a partnership. Both parties have to put in 100% effort. When you do that you have lots of points of overlap so that if somebody slips (& they inevitably will -- I checked out for like 4 years because I was so depressed after my parents died & a bunch of other really tragic stuff happened) but he hung in there & kept us together. If we were both only giving 50% to meet in the middle, when I couldn't do it, we would have lost contact because we only had one point of contact.

 

 

You & this woman sound like my EX that I lived with but didn't marry after 12 years together. That relationship had some great points, or I wouldn't have stayed that long but now having been married, it's so clear to me that had I tried with the EX we wouldn't have made it. We rarely worked together. We functioned side by side but we weren't the team, the solidified unit, that my husband & I are.

 

 

You really have to talk to her about the bad stuff. If you can't talk & find a way through the materialism, you can't sustain a marriage.

[Popsicle]

Think about if you really want marriage. Not necessarily with her, but in general. If you do want it, then you need to end this now with her. She is not "the one" for you. You are 36 now, and trust me, if you waste more time on dead end relationship, it doesn't get any easier finding the one as you get older and the options start depleting.

[BTDT2012]

You need to be honest and accept that your values do not align. And you need to tell her that. You have described her as petty and materialistic. You just purchased a home. Homes require maintenance. Marriages fall apart over finances.

[kendahke]

Well often time we get in an argument, she'll try to shout over me so I won't be able to finish saying what I'm trying to say (I've heard her do that with her mother). Or she might walk out the door leave for the rest of the day and I may not hear from her for several days. She's also hung up the phone in the past.

 

So she throws tantrums and everyone lets her get away with it.

 

Although the stuff doesn't happen all the time, it happens too often out of the times i see her. She often says, if I was married, I wouldn't do that. Or if I was married, I'd do this. I'd cook, I'd clean, etc.

 

She's lying. She's not going to cook or clean once she's married. That would require her flipping who she is into someone she's not and never was. She's hoodwinking you and I must say, her game is good. She should write a book on how to manipulate others to get your way.

[kendahke]

I just learned that rarely we find anybody better, we just find someone different, with a different set of problems.

 

And Im realizing Im getting older (even though I still look like I did in my 20s) I've been told that the dating pool shrinks when you get older. So I may not have as many options.

 

Then marry her and be done with it, if you're so afraid of being single and 48. Just don't complain when you're having to pick up 2 and 3 overtime shifts to pay for the credit card debt and the maid who has to come in and clean up behind both of you because you're too tired to do housework when you come home from the 3rd job and she can't be arsed to do her share of it.

[djoner]

So she throws tantrums and everyone lets her get away with it.

 

 

 

She's lying. She's not going to cook or clean once she's married. That would require her flipping who she is into someone she's not and never was. She's hoodwinking you and I must say, her game is good. She should write a book on how to manipulate others to get your way.

 

Man Please!

 

You don't think I know this girl's game from a mile a way? Nothing skillfull or brilliant about it. Stevie Wonder could see through that.

 

It's just I've actually grown to care for this girl and enjoy certain aspects about our relationship but can't accept the part where she seems to run from responsibility. Then when I try to confront her on things, she doesn't want to hear it. That part doesn't make me thinks she's marriage ready.

[htmshsj]

As I get older, I can't help but notice that there are still plenty of very attractive women in their early 30's that for some reason can't seem to get it together and get a guy to commit.

 

And then when I tried dating them, many exhibited the same patterns the OP recognizes--materialistic, selfish, unrealistic about the realities of marriage or a serious LTR. No thanks.

 

If you're making a very serious evaluation of marriage potential and things just aren't adding up, there's your answer. Some people might be fun to date and get to know but just don't make the cut when it comes to marriage. Find someone who has characteristics that you want in a spouse, not some chick that's just kind of hot and fun to look at.

[BettyDraper]

Man Please!

 

You don't think I know this girl's game from a mile a way? Nothing skillfull or brilliant about it. Stevie Wonder could see through that.

 

It's just I've actually grown to care for this girl and enjoy certain aspects about our relationship but can't accept the part where she seems to run from responsibility. Then when I try to confront her on things, she doesn't want to hear it. That part doesn't make me thinks she's marriage ready.

 

So if you know she isn't ready for marriage and she keeps pressuring you, what is the point of continuing this relationship?

If you "know her game" and you don't like it, there's no reason to waste any more time with someone whom you're not compatible with.

 

Caring about someone isn't enough to sustain a relationship or marriage.

 

Why aren't you brave enough to set her free?

[olivetree]

I just learned that rarely we find anybody better, we just find someone different, with a different set of problems.

 

I can assure you that this isn't true.

 

You can absolutely find someone that is a better fit for you.

You just have to be in the right place (happy in life) and with an open heart.

 

Sure, the new person and you may have different issues that come up again and again, but when you're with the right person, they are issues you can live with.

 

Basically you won't feel like you are settling, which is what I see you doing here.

 

Living in fear is no way to live.

You only live once, and the partner you choose to live it with can make all the difference.

[badartwork]

I can assure you that this isn't true.

 

You can absolutely find someone that is a better fit for you.

You just have to be in the right place (happy in life) and with an open heart.

 

Sure, the new person and you may have different issues that come up again and again, but when you're with the right person, they are issues you can live with.

 

Basically you won't feel like you are settling, which is what I see you doing here.

 

Living in fear is no way to live.

You only live once, and the partner you choose to live it with can make all the difference.

 

I strongly agree with the above poster. Consciously settling is only a recipe for unhappiness. From reading your posts it doesn't sound like you are in love with your gf at all, even if there are some things that are enjoyable about the relationship. She is acting like a child, and you're two people with different mindsets. There's a chasm between you and honestly, I don't think it's worth trying to bridge it. Look for somebody who is a better fit.

 

Oh, and don't even think about marrying somebody before you have tried living with them for a while first!

[djoner]

I strongly agree with the above poster. Consciously settling is only a recipe for unhappiness. From reading your posts it doesn't sound like you are in love with your gf at all, even if there are some things that are enjoyable about the relationship. She is acting like a child, and you're two people with different mindsets. There's a chasm between you and honestly, I don't think it's worth trying to bridge it. Look for somebody who is a better fit.

 

Oh, and don't even think about marrying somebody before you have tried living with them for a while first!

 

I do love her. Im in love with the fact that she knows how to live and have fun, but not in love with her childlike ways.

 

But I agree with everything else you said though.

[kendahke]

I do love her. Im in love with the fact that she knows how to live and have fun, but not in love with her childlike ways.

 

But that's it--she knows how to live on other people's dime, not on her own. She knows nothing about standing on her own two feet. Yeah, most teenagers have fun because they're not paying mortgages and insurance, car notes, utilities and all the other day in day out drudgery of adulthood. We all have to grow up and live on our own.

 

You can be in love with the teenage aspect of her, but sooner or later, the dynamic of your relationship is going to flip into parent/child when you grow sick and tired of her irresponsibility and constant need to have fun.

[kendahke]

Man Please!

 

You don't think I know this girl's game from a mile a way? Nothing skillfull or brilliant about it. Stevie Wonder could see through that.

 

knowing about it and having no interest in stopping yourself from crashing headlong into it are two different things. You're too ready with the excuses.

 

It's just I've actually grown to care for this girl and enjoy certain aspects about our relationship but can't accept the part where she seems to run from responsibility. Then when I try to confront her on things, she doesn't want to hear it. That part doesn't make me thinks she's marriage ready.

 

That is who she is. No one in her life has made her grow up, so she's basically a legal teenager. You then turn into "scolding daddy" when she decides to be "petulant, lazy teenager"--which is how her parents have raised her to be.

[BettyDraper]

knowing about it and having no interest in stopping yourself from crashing headlong into it are two different things. You're too ready with the excuses.

 

 

 

That is who she is. No one in her life has made her grow up, so she's basically a legal teenager. You then turn into "scolding daddy" when she decides to be "petulant, lazy teenager"--which is how her parents have raised her to be.

 

This. Marriage is for mature adults.

OP, I'm getting the impression that you will end up marrying this woman and living a very unhappy life. Love and fun is not enough to sustain a marriage. Materialistic women rarely make good wives. This is because hard times can hit any couple and a woman who only wants you for what you can buy will be gone. There's a difference between simply liking nice things and allowing possessions to rule one's life.

[djoner]

This. Marriage is for mature adults.

OP, I'm getting the impression that you will end up marrying this woman and living a very unhappy life. Love and fun is not enough to sustain a marriage. Materialistic women rarely make good wives. This is because hard times can hit any couple and a woman who only wants you for what you can buy will be gone. There's a difference between simply liking nice things and allowing possessions to rule one's life.

 

Thank you for your comments BettyDraper.

 

Honestly, after reading some of the comments on here about dating her for so long, Im kind of going back and forth about feeling like I somewhat owe it to her to either proposing soon or getting off the pot.

 

Right now, we've been getting along pretty well. She goes from one extreme to the other, from threatening a breakup and throwing my apartment key during an argument to saying, "I can't wait for us to get married so we can do this and that!" and confuses things a little.

 

I'm just seeing how things play out right now. Some People are saying that you should know by now. I saw a different side to her temper just 3 months ago that i never saw before.

Edited March 21, 2017 by djoner

[Whodatdog]

For the life of me, I cant figure out why you are even considering marriage. Is this the life you want for the rest of your life?

 

If you think you are having your ups and downs now, wait until you get married. She's on her best behavior now to get you to marry her.

 

Ha!

[BettyDraper]

Thank you for your comments BettyDraper.

 

Honestly, after reading some of the comments on here about dating her for so long, Im kind of going back and forth about feeling like I somewhat owe it to her to either proposing soon or getting off the pot.

 

Right now, we've been getting along pretty well. She goes from one extreme to the other, from threatening a breakup and throwing my apartment key during an argument to saying, "I can't wait for us to get married so we can do this and that!" and confuses things a little.

 

I'm just seeing how things play out right now. Some People are saying that you should know by now. I saw a different side to her temper just 3 months ago that i never saw before.

 

Your girlfriend sounds like she has BPD. The push/pull behavior is a classic sign. If you love her and you want to work things out, she should see a counselor for at least a year.

 

Even if she doesn't have BPD, your girlfriend is still too immature for marriage. She seems like she's in love with being a bride and the idea of being a "wife". I understand how hard it is to leave but sometimes you need to be practical.

[BTDT2012]

UOTE=djoner;7262801]Thank you for your comments BettyDraper.

 

Honestly, after reading some of the comments on here about dating her for so long, Im kind of going back and forth about feeling like I somewhat owe it to her to either proposing soon or getting off the pot.

 

Right now, we've been getting along pretty well. She goes from one extreme to the other, from threatening a breakup and throwing my apartment key during an argument to saying, "I can't wait for us to get married so we can do this and that!" and confuses things a little.

 

I'm just seeing how things play out right now. Some People are saying that you should know by now. I saw a different side to her temper just 3 months ago that i never saw before.

 

Next tie that happens, keep the key. Don't give it back. Do you have a key to her place of residence?

[djoner]

UOTE=djoner;7262801]Thank you for your comments BettyDraper.

 

Honestly, after reading some of the comments on here about dating her for so long, Im kind of going back and forth about feeling like I somewhat owe it to her to either proposing soon or getting off the pot.

 

Right now, we've been getting along pretty well. She goes from one extreme to the other, from threatening a breakup and throwing my apartment key during an argument to saying, "I can't wait for us to get married so we can do this and that!" and confuses things a little.

 

I'm just seeing how things play out right now. Some People are saying that you should know by now. I saw a different side to her temper just 3 months ago that i never saw before.

 

Next tie that happens, keep the key. Don't give it back. Do you have a key to her place of residence?

 

No. She stays with her mother. She's never left home

[djoner]

Next tie that happens, keep the key. Don't give it back. Do you have a key to her place of residence?

 

I didn't give it right back. I made her wait a couple of weeks but you're right.

 

But no, I don't have a key. She stays with her mother. She's never left home.

[BettyDraper]

I didn't give it right back. I made her wait a couple of weeks but you're right.

 

But no, I don't have a key. She stays with her mother. She's never left home.

 

Living independently forces people to mature.

Since you have lived alone, you will have learned lessons that your girlfriend has not yet since she is still living with her mother.

[Marc878]

You need to fix your picker. This would be a train wreck.

 

Better wake up

[Mr. Lucky]

Right now, we've been getting along pretty well. She goes from one extreme to the other, from threatening a breakup and throwing my apartment key during an argument to saying, "I can't wait for us to get married so we can do this and that!" and confuses things a little.

 

And this is during limerence, when you're both on your best behavior? Chris Rock does a bit where he says, during dating, you don't meet the other person, you meet their representative. Hate to see what happens with her when the gloves come off...

 

Mr. Lucky

[AMarriedMan]

Oh boy, I'm sure hoping that's not my fate. 17 yrs later and still not married.

 

You're much better off never marrying than marrying a woman who is wrong for you. You so lucky your GF has shown her true colours to you before marriage with kids.

[Onnanoko]

You're much better off never marrying than marrying a woman who is wrong for you. You so lucky your GF has shown her true colours to you before marriage with kids.

 

OP, this poster is correct. It is better to not marry someone who is wrong for you than it is to marry them for the sake of being able to say you were once married.

 

You should consider yourself EXTREMELY lucky that this person has shown you what and who they truly are BEFORE you entered into a lifelong commitment with them (marriage).

 

IMHO, you absolutely should NOT marry this person. If you still truly love her and want to see if she and the relationship improves, then you can remain in this relationship for a few more years to see if things get better.

 

But, keep in mind that if you choose to remain with her for anymore length of time, you could be wasting your life away with someone that will never be right for you...when instead, you can choose to cut your losses now and become single again whilst you heal your heart.

 

It is my belief that there is someone out there for everyone...it's just a matter of finding (or bumping into) that person. But, you will not find the person that is a good fit for you if you choose to remain with the wrong person...