Relationship issue [I can’t see myself marrying her the way things currently are]

[djoner]

Thanks guys, that's good advice.

As i mentioned before, I've been feeling a little obligated to her and thinking I should get married because we've been together so long. I just think I will feel guilty like I let a good woman who really loved me go if I dont.

 

I moved into my house about a week ago and still unpacking. I think my gf is a little upset about me doing this on my own. She had offered to throw down $$$ toward a house about 4 or 5 months ago because she had gotten some $$$ from her Dad death. I have seen how she spends her $$$, also the way she acted out on Valentines day. She also gets upset at me anytime I try to talk with her about not having to go out to fancy dining every birthday.

 

Last night, she was talking about she's dieting and is about to lose weight and get fine, then she's gonna leave me. She said it in a joking matter, but I joked back, "Why are you waiting until then, whats stopping you now?" She replied, " I want you to see the transition." Long story short, the issue of marriage came up again and it escalated to a petty argument. She started talking stupid crap about me being a mama's boy and this and that. I told her how I didn't intend to repeat myself from our previous conversations on how I feel we're not ready for marriage and how her never having lived on her own is giving her unrealistic expectations of marriage. I told her, "Since you're that angry about it, maybe you SHOULD leave!" She ended up ending the conversation and hung up.

 

After our "almost break-up" on Valentines day, she said she wanted to try again. During our reconsiliation, i told her why I felt we weren't ready yet and changes that would need to be made to get to that point. I told her we have to be able to talk with one another without the other shouting, screaming, and cutting the other person off. I reminded her she was able to leave if she's unhappy with the situation, but if we continue dating, she's going to have to stop nagging me about getting married everyday. Since Valentines day, she brings up marriage in some form every other day either by trying to make me feel guilty about not being ready or just calling me out about it. About 90% of our conversations, she's brought it up at least once.

[Mr. Lucky]

After our "almost break-up" on Valentines day, she said she wanted to try again. During our reconsiliation, i told her why I felt we weren't ready yet and changes that would need to be made to get to that point. I told her we have to be able to talk with one another without the other shouting, screaming, and cutting the other person off. I reminded her she was able to leave if she's unhappy with the situation, but if we continue dating, she's going to have to stop nagging me about getting married everyday. Since Valentines day, she brings up marriage in some form every other day either by trying to make me feel guilty about not being ready or just calling me out about it. About 90% of our conversations, she's brought it up at least once.

 

You're waiting for a fish to learn to ride a bicycle. Not going to happen.

 

Why waste your time - and hers - in this relationship? You know she's not going to give you what you want, same holds true for her. Checkmate...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Whodatdog]

Im sure you know the definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Not saying you are insane, but just making a point.

 

She is who she is. The same way you are the way you are. When people show you who they are, believe them. You are trying to mold someone, to change into a person that you can love and trust; it doesnt work that way. Either you accept the way she is and realize how you life will be with her, or let her go and give both of you the chance to be with someone you both more compatible with. They are out there, but you cant find them if you are tied down in a toxic relationship like this is.

[djoner]

Thats funny. I never realized that the relationship was toxic.

 

I noticed she deleted me off facebook this afternoon. I guessed it stemmed from our little argument last night, but noticed she remained friends to my family members. I admit, I was feeling like crap, but I knew deep down that It was necessary. I was sick to death of her nagging me everyday about marriage, and that we couldn't continue down the same road seeing she wanted all or nothing.

 

Fast foreward to this evening around 8pm. She called me and I hadn't not made it home from work. I asked where she was and She stated she was in my driveway and she had some smirnoff for me. She started saying in her joking voice, "yeah something told me you might be up to no good and you might have some other chick over there! I thought I saw someone's car in your driveway! But it was the next door neighbors. You got lucky!"

 

I asked why she was bringing drink on a weekday. She said that since tomorrow is a holiday for the state, she thought she'd bring something by. But I know she was really checking to be sure I hadnt hooked up with anyone else. I remember her doing something like this when she had a key to my last apartment. We hadn't talked for 5 days after she stormed out of the apartment, then she comes In at about 3am after hanging with her girlfriends one Friday night. She was checking up on me then.

 

I'm going to have to have a talk with her about this and why she wants to keep doing this when she's not happy with me not wanting to get married right now.

[Blanco]

If my romantic partner came at me with a "mama's boy" cutdown, I would probably bail. And I say that as someone who probably IS a bit of a mama's boy. Point is, name calling and character assassination in a relationship is poison and should be a deal breaker for anyone with strong boundaries.

 

Also, hopefully you enjoyed the irony of a woman in her thirties living at home with her mom rent-free calling someone else a mama's boy.

 

She sounds awful and gross and the type of person who will eat her would-be husband alive, eventually leaving him broke and jaded, not to mention on the hook for alimony.

[djoner]

Well LS, just a little bit of an update.

 

It looks like I will be moving to the "break up" section. I think my gf is very upset about me getting this house. She and I were talking last night and she mentioned, " I try to build, but you just want to do everything on your own"

I got honest with her and said, "I just don't feel comfortable and like we can even talk because you're always talking about BS." She asked me how? I told her how she gets upset at me when I try to tell her that we need to come to an agreement on finances or anything else I try to have serious "one on ones" about. She huff and puffs when If i talk about something she doesnt want to hear and I get nowhere.

 

Long story short, she sends me a long text msg saying she's truly done and she doesn't feel like we should be together anymore. She feels that she doesnt want to waste anymore time and love on a man who doesnt give two _____s , and doesn't see her as someone who he can talk to or build with. She said she wishes me luck and I don't have to reply.

 

Well I called her, she didn't answer. I replied saying I'm sorry she feels that I don't give two_____s. I told her that I'm hurt that Im not giving u what she wants. I told her I was tired of all the threats, bullying, and drama.

 

I know I should probably feel relieved, but truth is, I feel like crap. I feel like I failed her, and failed to give her what she needed as a woman.

 

Nonetheless, I thank everyone for all their input.

Edited April 1, 2017 by djoner

[djoner]

Well it's been 2 days since she sent that text. She still hasn't responded to my response text. I guess this is where my mind starts playing tricks. I'm missing her and feeling alone, almost forgetting about everything I was complaining about. I somewhat feel responsible which is what I knew would happen.

 

I don't feel like getting out dating anytime soon or looking for someone to replace her by filling that void she left

 

I guess I just came on to LS rather than contacting her.

[d0nnivain]

I know I should probably feel relieved, but truth is, I feel like crap. I feel like I failed her, and failed to give her what she needed as a woman.

 

 

Change & the loss of something that was once so precious hurts. It doesn't matter who wanted out or who actually did the breaking up, the fact that it's over produces an emotional reaction.

 

 

 

Well it's been 2 days since she sent that text. She still hasn't responded to my response text. I guess this is where my mind starts playing tricks. I'm missing her and feeling alone, almost forgetting about everything I was complaining about. I somewhat feel responsible which is what I knew would happen.

 

I don't feel like getting out dating anytime soon or looking for someone to replace her by filling that void she left

 

I guess I just came on to LS rather than contacting her.

 

 

Your head knows in the long run this is better. Your heart - the sentimental side -- feels differently. Your head is still right.

 

 

Take the time to mourn the loss of this relationship. It was a huge part of your life. But that doesn't mean you need to keep trying to make it work when it wasn't working. By letting go now, you open yourself up to future possibilities.

[BettyDraper]

Well LS, just a little bit of an update.

 

It looks like I will be moving to the "break up" section. I think my gf is very upset about me getting this house. She and I were talking last night and she mentioned, " I try to build, but you just want to do everything on your own"

I got honest with her and said, "I just don't feel comfortable and like we can even talk because you're always talking about BS." She asked me how? I told her how she gets upset at me when I try to tell her that we need to come to an agreement on finances or anything else I try to have serious "one on ones" about. She huff and puffs when If i talk about something she doesnt want to hear and I get nowhere.

 

Long story short, she sends me a long text msg saying she's truly done and she doesn't feel like we should be together anymore. She feels that she doesnt want to waste anymore time and love on a man who doesnt give two _____s , and doesn't see her as someone who he can talk to or build with. She said she wishes me luck and I don't have to reply.

 

Well I called her, she didn't answer. I replied saying I'm sorry she feels that I don't give two_____s. I told her that I'm hurt that Im not giving u what she wants. I told her I was tired of all the threats, bullying, and drama.

 

I know I should probably feel relieved, but truth is, I feel like crap. I feel like I failed her, and failed to give her what she needed as a woman.

 

Nonetheless, I thank everyone for all their input.

 

You didn't fail her at all. SHE failed to behave in a mature manner and you saw your ex for who she really was.

 

Do not contact her again and spend at least a few months thinking about what you learned. Be mindful of what your dealbreakers are so that you can find a better woman next time. You may also want to work on your self esteem so that walking away from drama won't be so difficult. I say this as someone whose low self esteem led me to stay in unhappy relationships.

[BTDT2012]

Mature adults don't break up by text. Women outnumber men in your age group. Take time to mourn the loss. She failed you.

[djoner]

Mature adults don't break up by text. Women outnumber men in your age group. Take time to mourn the loss. She failed you.

 

She said in her text that she didn't want to argue, that's why she was sending it via text.

 

For the women that outnumber us in this age group. Are they the ones who are divorced, bitter, and with several children?

[djoner]

Hey LS, just checking in.

 

Well it's been 7 days.

 

Its wierd because even though Ive been was feeling some type of way about my gf, I really miss her now (the good times and our nightly talks). I even got a little teary eyed a few times the other day and my mind started playing with me.

 

At first it hadn't hit me as hard because although I was sad, I had been fed up with the constant nagging about marriage and arguments stemming from the same old topics. And me always having to walk on eggshells every time we had a disagreement thinking she would storm out, hang up the phone, or threaten a break up.

 

I'm not contacting her, but I am thinking about her and just hope she's ok. I felt the need to be there for her last year when her Dad passed. I have to day she's pretty tough if she's still dealing with that and now the pain of dealing with a loss of a relationship.

 

Just venting.

[AMarriedMan]

Hey LS, just checking in.

 

Well it's been 7 days.

 

Its wierd because even though Ive been was feeling some type of way about my gf, I really miss her now (the good times and our nightly talks). I even got a little teary eyed a few times the other day and my mind started playing with me.

 

At first it hadn't hit me as hard because although I was sad, I had been fed up with the constant nagging about marriage and arguments stemming from the same old topics. And me always having to walk on eggshells every time we had a disagreement thinking she would storm out, hang up the phone, or threaten a break up.

 

I'm not contacting her, but I am thinking about her and just hope she's ok. I felt the need to be there for her last year when her Dad passed. I have to day she's pretty tough if she's still dealing with that and now the pain of dealing with a loss of a relationship.

 

Just venting.

 

Don't worry. This, too, shall pass. You have no choice but to feel like **** as long as it takes to feel better. Eventually, it will, and when it does, you'll be free. Marrying this woman would've left you a wreck, and the potential children, too. The pain you're suffering now is best thought of as an investment allowing to you to avoid much greater future pain.

[BettyDraper]

Don't worry. This, too, shall pass. You have no choice but to feel like **** as long as it takes to feel better. Eventually, it will, and when it does, you'll be free. Marrying this woman would've left you a wreck, and the potential children, too. The pain you're suffering now is best thought of as an investment allowing to you to avoid much greater future pain.

 

Well said.

[djoner]

Well, its been 10 days since our breakup and we've both kept NC thing going. It feels like mornings are the worst when I first wake up. I woke up at 5:00 this morning and just lay there thinking. I seriously thought about writing her a letter, not in an attempt to get back together, but to explain everything I felt she misunderstood about me the night she decided to "text" break up, and to re-explain my angle on some of the issues we were having.

 

When she sent me that final text, I felt like that closed off any opportunity to end on decent terms. It seemed like she was able to say her final piece and she wad done and has stayec mad. Plus, I know how she is. She went a whole year without speaking to one of her good friends that she grew up with when she got mad with him.

 

I'm not sure if I should send this letter or not. I just don't feel we really had any real closure and she seems like the only way she communicates best is through text or written form.

 

Any thoughts? I always come here 1st when I feel that urge. Would I be kind of setting myself back?

 

. The pain you're suffering now is best thought of as an investment allowing to you to avoid much greater future pain.

 

Good advice. Thank you. It still hurts because I'm experiencing extreme lonliness, especially getting settled in this house.

Edited April 10, 2017 by djoner

[djoner]

I'm still contemplating about this letter.

[d0nnivain]

Write the letter. You need to get your feelings out.

 

 

DO NOT mail it! I repeat -- do not mail it.

 

 

Fold it up & put it in a drawer for at least a month. Go back & re-reread it. If you still want to send it, put it back in the drawer. When you get over wanting to send it, in a safe controlled environment burn it. Watch the flames. Watch the smoke. Let go of all the past.

[BluesPower]

Do not send the letter...

 

Listen, I understand that this is hard. But here is the deal. This woman is a child. Not a girl you want to marry in any way. Marriage is hard enough to get through with out having to "Raise" your spoilt wife.

 

On the letter. You will never get the closure that you are looking for. Sending the letter is not going to help you feel better and it will not help you heal.

 

You need to just put her in the rear view mirror.

[Whodatdog]

As others said, do not send that letter. Not ever. That letter is for you to get out your feelings, and hopefully thats what it did.

 

For some reason, with breakups, even break ups that had to happen, the people involved seem to only remember the good in the relationship. Maybe its some sort of defense mechanism. When a break up happens, and its truly the only thing that could happen, I feel the people are actually missing the relationship, not the people. The point of having someone there, someone to talk to, to plan your day, to be your other half.

 

You miss that, and its totally understandable. But you have to realize she was very self centered and immature. At her age, she isnt going to change her ways. You were smart enough to realize this was no way to plan the rest of your life, but yet it does make you sad. A loss of a relationship is always sad. Each day will get better, and you need to start looking forward. Theres better out there for you, believe me.

[djoner]

Bluespower, d0nninvain, and Whodatdog, your words are huge. Thank you all for the support.

 

I felt compelled to write the letter because knowing her, she probably is thinking that I don't care or care enough about her since I haven't reached out to her since that night she sent me that "Dear John" text.

 

She's probably feeling like I never loved her and is feeling somewhat "rejected" since I wasn't ready to buy her that ring. I just know her tactics and the way she thinks. She played on my sympathy alot and tried to make me feel guilty when i would tell her things that needed to change before entering marriage.

 

I know its silly, but right Now, I'm thinking that I dont really deserve to be with anyone else but and be happy since I couldn't take things to the next level with her after all of this time. Also with her losing her Dad, I know that was hard.

[Miyoko]

Bluespower, d0nninvain, and Whodatdog, your words are huge. Thank you all for the support.

 

I felt compelled to write the letter because knowing her, she probably is thinking that I don't care or care enough about her since I haven't reached out to her since that night she sent me that "Dear John" text.

 

She's probably feeling like I never loved her and is feeling somewhat "rejected" since I wasn't ready to buy her that ring. I just know her tactics and the way she thinks. She played on my sympathy alot and tried to make me feel guilty when i would tell her things that needed to change before entering marriage.

 

I know its silly, but right Now, I'm thinking that I dont really deserve to be with anyone else but and be happy since I couldn't take things to the next level with her after all of this time. Also with her losing her Dad, I know that was hard.

 

I agree with everyone, write the letter, just don't send it. Stay strong on No contact. It's easier said than done, you'd be better off.

[djoner]

I agree with everyone, write the letter, just don't send it. Stay strong on No contact. It's easier said than done, you'd be better off.

 

Ok. But what are you all's takes on what I said in my previous post, about my saying that continuing NC might covvey to her that I just don't care and never did?

 

For example, She was the one who always posted pictures of our dates on facebook, Titling the photos, " Me and my king" Me, not really being a Facebook person didn't post photos that often. Needless to say, she mentioned some time ago that she was always the one posting pics of us and I didn't have any photos of her. Which is untrue, I had a photo of us two on my cover page for over 2 years, and she did too.

 

But you get my point, she posted many more on her page. She May Have Been CARRYING That Feeling Of Neglect for some time

Edited April 11, 2017 by djoner

[Whodatdog]

Bluespower, d0nninvain, and Whodatdog, your words are huge. Thank you all for the support.

 

I felt compelled to write the letter because knowing her, she probably is thinking that I don't care or care enough about her since I haven't reached out to her since that night she sent me that "Dear John" text.

 

She's probably feeling like I never loved her and is feeling somewhat "rejected" since I wasn't ready to buy her that ring. I just know her tactics and the way she thinks. She played on my sympathy alot and tried to make me feel guilty when i would tell her things that needed to change before entering marriage.

 

I know its silly, but right Now, I'm thinking that I dont really deserve to be with anyone else but and be happy since I couldn't take things to the next level with her after all of this time. Also with her losing her Dad, I know that was hard.

 

You have to stop this. You didnt take it to the next level because you knew deep down inside that you shouldnt and couldnt. It was the right decision. you should know that. Everyone who dates is not meant to be in a "forever and ever" relationship with that person. Thats why you date, to see if it feels right. It didnt for you.

[Whodatdog]

Ok. But what are you all's takes on what I said in my previous post, about my saying that continuing NC might covvey to her that I just don't care and never did?

 

For example, She was the one who always posted pictures of our dates on facebook, Titling the photos, " Me and my king" Me, not really being a Facebook person didn't post photos that often. Needless to say, she mentioned some time ago that she was always the one posting pics of us and I didn't have any photos of her. Which is untrue, I had a photo of us two on my cover page for over 2 years, and she did too.

 

But you get my point, she posted many more on her page. She May Have Been CARRYING That Feeling Of Neglect for some time

 

She was not carrying a feeling of neglect, she was carrying a feeling of entitlement. If she wasnt getting her way, she was having temper tantrums. I didnt read anything where you were causing her neglect. At all. Mentioning who posts the most pictures is kid stuff. She hasnt acted like an adult, and this just proves it. NC. NC. NC.

[BTDT2012]

She was not carrying a feeling of neglect, she was carrying a feeling of entitlement. If she wasnt getting her way, she was having temper tantrums. I didnt read anything where you were causing her neglect. At all. Mentioning who posts the most pictures is kid stuff. She hasnt acted like an adult, and this just proves it. NC. NC. NC.

^^^^^

This. Don't overthink. Facebook is all facade, not real life, especially for full grown adults. If she felt 'neglected' because of that, it more evidence of immaturity.