Dumped My Girlfriend, Now Struggling With My Decision!

[LitTunnel]

Soulforge, I swear man. Your story sends shivers down my spine. Your ex literally reminds me a lot of my ex. Look, the truth is she is a very disturbed woman, like seriously. She's incredibly disrespectful and the sad thing is she has absolutely NO CLUE that she's being one. In her delusional mind she honestly believes she's the victim and it's these kind of people that you're in a lose-lose situation. I honestly feel for you man. I'm so sorry for what you've been subjected to. I pray for you and that you find a woman of your dreams.

 

I too am 42 so I know where you're at in life. I broke up with my ex 9 months ago and I'm still very much devastated by it, even though she shares a lot of similar traits as your ex. To be honest, your ex and mine are BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder.) The level of intensity is undecided but she seems to be in the medium to high category, and so is my ex. Unfortunately, they're a lost cause. They will NEVER, EVER be satisfied in ANY relationship. They will forever bounce from one relationship, to another, to another. They're emotional vampires.

 

I believe in your situation you should totally ditch this woman for good and let her live her life of misery on her own, which seems you've already done so so great job. I'm proud of you soulforge. You manned up and X'ed her completely from your life. Trust me, this woman is going to crash hardcore when she realizes your completely gone. Just don't cave in at all if she comes back because trust me, she wouldn't have changed a lick. That's part of the major problem with those suffering from BPD; they don't know they have it and refuse to admit to having a problem so they can never fix it.

 

Just keep moving forward man. It's going to be tough. I know like I know you're going to miss her dearly. Like I said I'm in the same dam boat. It's somehow these mentally abusive woman that we grow so incredibly attached too. The understanding of it is far beyond my understanding. You're going to do awesome man, just continue to stay strong. Btw, you're welcome to PM me if you need someone personal to talk to man. I'm here for you bro!

Edited February 24, 2017 by LitTunnel
Forgot to add some stuff:)

[soulforge]

Hello Li Tunnel

 

Thank you for your reply man, appreciate it.. i will certainly PM you regarding this matter..

 

Today i am having a very difficult day.. missing her so bad today.. probably my worst day since i ended it with her.

 

I feel so conflicted & resort to blaming myself.. then i go back to realising how difficult this woman is..

 

It seems to me she does not reflect on herself & on her own behaviour at all.. it has to be me who is the bad guy.. the one who is treating her badly!

 

I have deleted and blocked her in every way, but still curious to put my old sim card back into my phone, just to see if she has texted me anything..

 

But this is not a good idea.. these are some of the teasons that are stopping me!

 

 

01. We lived together and she left me over an argument that could have been resolved.

It took nearly 2 years of long distance for her to finally get a job transfer over, to be nearer to me.

 

02. She has now transfered her job back to her own town, so she will not be moving over here again.

 

03. I don't trust her enough to quit my job, leave my house and move to her home town, to be closer to her.. she has walked out before, and could easily do it again.

 

04. So living together again is not looking possible.

 

05. Marriage is out of the question, she does not want to marry ever again.

 

06. Also her attitude is somewhat rude and disrespectful.

 

07. She never admits fault, and only sees me as the bad guy..

 

08. Also she hung up on me, on the phone, when i pointed out to her, that she needs to think about some of her jokes, as some don't come across as funny.. after she hung up on me, i don't hear from her even after 4 days..

 

I cannot let her get away with thinking, that it is ok for her to do this to me.. for me to then call her , or text her to sort things out, would be giving her the message that its ok to hang up on me, ok to not bother with our date, and not even contact me for days

 

 

I had no choice but to dump her... its really hard, as we had so many good things too.. we had amazing times.. and i still really love her..

 

I am also scared of losing her forever... is walking away from this the best thing to do????

 

My gut instinct is telling me it is... but my heart wants her

[soulforge]

I really worry, i might not find anyone again, with that kinda connection i had..

 

We where amazing together when things where good

[soulforge]

Any advice please guys?

[LitTunnel]

Any advice please guys?

 

There is no amount of advice we can give you that you probably haven't been given or read here on these forms. You and your ex were just not compatible, unfortunately, just like me and my ex. I love my ex dearly but she was totally toxic. Trust me I'm struggling hardcore still. I had another breakdown last night and it's been 9 months bu, 6 months nc. Bro it's really really hard, we just have to deal with it day by day and hope that we meet someone eventually that will knock our socks off.

[LitTunnel]

Any advice please guys?

 

There is no amount of advice we can give you that you probably haven't been given or read here on these forms. You and your ex were just not compatible, unfortunately, just like me and my ex. I love my ex dearly but she was totally toxic. Trust me I'm struggling hardcore still. I had another breakdown last night and it's been 9 months bu, 6 months nc. Bro it's really really hard, we just have to deal with it day by day and hope that we meet someone eventually that will knock our socks off. And btw I feel the same way as you where I think I'll never feel the same way towards another woman like I did towards my ex. It's simply not true even though I'm feeling it this very second. We just have to give it a chance. Until then we're going to struggle hardcore.

 

The thing is your ex mentally abused you and studies have found that mentally and physically abused partners gravitate more to their abusers after abusive incidents. It has something to do with the brain chemistry. I dunno, it's just crazy, survival mechanism that kicks in, part if our human evolution krap. It's irritating but it's who we are. Just keep trudging along soulforge, I know you're going through hell but hey, so am i so you're not alone brotha.

Edited February 25, 2017 by LitTunnel

[soulforge]

There is no amount of advice we can give you that you probably haven't been given or read here on these forms. You and your ex were just not compatible, unfortunately, just like me and my ex. I love my ex dearly but she was totally toxic. Trust me I'm struggling hardcore still. I had another breakdown last night and it's been 9 months bu, 6 months nc. Bro it's really really hard, we just have to deal with it day by day and hope that we meet someone eventually that will knock our socks off. And btw I feel the same way as you where I think I'll never feel the same way towards another woman like I did towards my ex. It's simply not true even though I'm feeling it this very second. We just have to give it a chance. Until then we're going to struggle hardcore.

 

The thing is your ex mentally abused you and studies have found that mentally and physically abused partners gravitate more to their abusers after abusive incidents. It has something to do with the brain chemistry. I dunno, it's just crazy, survival mechanism that kicks in, part if our human evolution krap. It's irritating but it's who we are. Just keep trudging along soulforge, I know you're going through hell but hey, so am i so you're not alone brotha.

 

 

Lil can i ask how long where you was this woman? Living together? Etc

 

Also did you end it? Or did she end it with you?

 

 

I hear what you are saying bro.. i keep foolishly convincing myself, that if I handle things differently with her, then things might be ok with her.. the next time..

 

I know i am kidding myself with this idea..

 

Things will be ok for a while, then she will again do something that ***s it all up again.. and i will be forced to walk away again!

 

And back on here looking for advice..

 

Also as i said, there is not destination for this relationship.. no marriage, living together.. only long distance.

 

I feel like i am throwing my life away with her..

 

And yes u are right... right now i feel like i will never find a connection like that again.. she was the one i felt good with

 

 

I guess i need to march on.. until she becomes a distant memory..

[LitTunnel]

Lil can i ask how long where you was this woman? Living together? Etc

 

Also did you end it? Or did she end it with you?

 

 

I hear what you are saying bro.. i keep foolishly convincing myself, that if I handle things differently with her, then things might be ok with her.. the next time..

 

I know i am kidding myself with this idea..

 

Things will be ok for a while, then she will again do something that ***s it all up again.. and i will be forced to walk away again!

 

And back on here looking for advice..

 

Also as i said, there is not destination for this relationship.. no marriage, living together.. only long distance.

 

I feel like i am throwing my life away with her..

 

And yes u are right... right now i feel like i will never find a connection like that again.. she was the one i felt good with

 

 

I guess i need to march on.. until she becomes a distant memory..

 

We didnt live together. Wr were togrther for 7 months. Yes, not long but i fell for her. I initially broke up with her because she said something to me on the phone to get a rise out of me which it finally did. I acted very weak. I went off on her but I handled it very poorly. I mean I'm human and I was very emotional at the time but I will never ever behave like that again.

 

Needless to say I broke it of with her but a week later ran back to her like a little puppy and she totally denied me. Things got worse after that but let's just say she played the victim card all the way, plus she had someone else lined up already so it was easy for her to leave.

 

I know I made mistakes but she did just as much and yet I'm here feeling just like you; I could've done this, done that, shouldn't have done this or said that. It's all pointless at this point. The damage has been done. The problem with me is the whole lack of closure. It just ended so abruptly even though I ended it but clearly I regretted it because I too thought I couldn't meet anyone as good if not better than her. My fears to this day haunt me man. It's been a nightmare to say the least. I'm just taking it day by day.

[whatdeww18]

I really worry, i might not find anyone again, with that kinda connection i had..

 

We where amazing together when things where good

 

You are grieving the end of a substantial relationship with a woman who you had invested in and thought was a good prospect.

 

The way the break up sounded was just something petty she got angry at. Someone who loves you doesn't get angry at you not having cash. You simply ask a family member for a favor and pay them back. Simple solution. She sounded like she was already one foot out the door but enjoyed the comfort of the relationship, and almost toying with you while she went through the motions.

 

Not entirely sure about her behavior and analyzing it but in a lot of break ups; you have the story of how the two kept in contact and one party continuously gets hurt at the "malevolent" behavior of the other party, your ex.

 

I would attribute her behavior towards her finally attaining the freedom she wanted while having you reply to have comfort. This is the benefit of no contact. It's not to make her miss you. It's to save you the pain of getting hurt any further. I'm sure when the break up happened, you didn't think so negatively about your ex. Now, after all this contact and witnessing her behavior, you view her much more negatively. Natural. Very much so. Also, do you treat something that you think is always available like gold? Nope. You take it for granted and what she's doing sounds like it. Something disposable that she can treat however she feels and will still be there. Harsh? Oh, most definitely. Happens? Quite often.

 

Keep the sim card out and continue to stay out of contact. You have quite a large table of pain to work through and heal upon. Now's the time, and if you find yourself crying, just let it out. No shame there.

 

Blame is very easily thrown around during a break up. Usually, you hear of the dumper doing this, as it justifies the break up and enforces the new found freedom. That's not to say your ex might seriously think that you're at fault for the relationship failing. If so, you've done the best and most important thing for yourself: cutting her out of your life. Forever. Just let her do her thing, and if she realizes her mistakes then that's good. It's not your job to have her see if what she did was a mistake. She won't listen.

 

So, I am assuming you had a talk with her about talking about how other people are attractive? That's why she said there are plenty of attractive men and women in the world? I can't comment on whether talking about attractive people around is healthy or not in a relationship. However, if you expressed that it bothered you and she dismissed it, continued to do it knowing it bothered you, then that's unhealthy.

 

I think many of these "problems" have a deeper issue. Communication, insecurity, immaturity, etc. You should focus on what you could have done better, not what she could do. That's her job. You can't do it for her and you'll only further your pain.

 

I'm sure there are some points I missed but I'm really sorry for the pain you're going through. Staying in contact is what you want to do but really try your best to fight it and keep pushing through. It will save you so much pain and ultimately, you will be happy.

 

Also, you will find someone who you will have that great a connection with again. That's not to say that you will find her in a few months or a few years. Might be shorter, might be longer. It's not worth investing your time into trying to convince a person who isn't willing to work through the relationship with you. That time could be spent making yourself more successful, happy, independent, and emotionally available for that right person (who in time may or may not be your ex). Time and your emotions will tell.

 

Wishing you the best!

 

-WhatDEWWWWW

Edited February 25, 2017 by whatdeww18

[soulforge]

Wow today is a very tough day, all the memories flooding back.

 

I am so tempted to check my other number, to see if she has said anything... but i fear i will end up feeling even worse

[LitTunnel]

Wow today is a very tough day, all the memories flooding back.

 

I am so tempted to check my other number, to see if she has said anything... but i fear i will end up feeling even worse

 

Hi soulforge:)

 

I did get your pm bro but for some reason I'm unable to send you a pm back. I tried several times from my pc and phone but it's just not sending out the message. But here's what I wrote.

 

"Soulforge, you did the right thing. Your gut told you that you were being treated with disrespect. Don't feel guilty over this feeling because you had every right to do what you did because your gut was RIGHT! She totally disrespected you. This is not what a loving relationship is suppose to be about. Think about it. The sole purpose to being with someone is to give each other love and support. Is calling your partner a dick supportive and loving? Of course not. She not only called you a dickhead without any regard to your feelings but she is very dismissive of you.

 

My theory is because she knows she has a leg up on you. What I suggest is for you to continue your NC. And yes, to be clear, you did the right thing. NO ONE should tolerate that kind of mental abusive. NO ONE. It's just not right. If not to you she will definitely do it to someone else. The thing is if she wasn't happy with you what she should've done is talked to you like a human being and said "Hey, this just isn't working out. We should go our separate ways." That right there would've been the right way of handling a situation that quit frankly isn't working out, but the fact that she has not done that and instead chose to be mean spirited, unhappy person and lash out with name calling and dismissive attitude just shows her true colors. Look, I know you're struggling. Trust me, I know.

 

I miss my ex too soulforge and she certainly wasn't a princess by any right. She was pretty bad too. But I do miss her dearly and it's been 9 months. I'm still devastated and not over her but I'm taking it day by day. So for you to miss your ex, even with all the mental harm she's done onto you, is perfectly, perfectly normal. You're going to have good days and bad days. It's just part of the unfortunate process. It's hell. I keep thinking of my ex and the cute things we did and said and now it's all gone. But there is nothing...NOTHING I can do about it. She pretty much dumped me and I'm screwed because I have no one else and I can't reach out to her. It's hard being alone so if you're feeling alone and in desperate need to contact her, first of all don't but if you do have those feelings it's perfectly normal. Again, you did the right thing. Good for you. It takes a man to do that and you did it and have stuck to it so far. Great job my friend!"

 

Contact me anytime:)

[LitTunnel]

And sadly, to someone like your ex, if you contact her first, boy oh boy, her ego will just eat it up and you thought she was treating you bad before. She'll know she has you and she'll eventually go right back to talking down to you, but only worse. Don't reply soulforge. Let her run back to you. She will, I have a feeling. And if not, then even better. You'll find someone else bro. You and me both. It's just a matter of time. We're good guys. We just hit some bad luck but we will be rewarded. We just need to handle this hell period and eventually, in due time, we'll have our turn at true love:) Don't check your sim dude. I know it's extremely hard, but don't do it because you'll be so tempted to call her. You guys need space, like big time. You can do this!

[soulforge]

Hi lit tunnel

 

Thanks for your support brother, means alot to me.. i really need it right now.

 

 

I understand her calling me a dik head is not a good thing.. for some odd reason she claims her unreasonable behaviour is just a JOKE

 

When i went out for my work do, she spoilt it.. by texting me about this girl all night.. making snide comments.. This was a joke

 

On my birthday meal, she did the same again.. This was joke

 

She sent a message claiming she goes out to bars, clubs etc.. this was a joke

 

 

I swapped my shift for her, in order to meet her.. she sent me a message saying.. do u want me to leave it.. all because i needed her to come down just 30mins later

 

 

Again she claims this was a joke.. when i told her that night on the phone.. you really need to think about some of these jokes, as they are don't always come across funny

 

 

She cut me off the phone, didn't bother coming for our date.. and not heard from her for 4 days, up untill i dumped her

 

 

 

Seems like such immature behaviour to me! And no sense of her wrong doing at all.

 

 

Anyhow been thinking long and hard.. it doesn't seem like i have any future with her anymore..

 

The rudeness aside.. we lived together and she walked out.. i can't see how i could commit to her or trust her again.

 

She will never move back here and i cannot risk moving to her..

 

I really need to move on... but its hurting me quite bad.. to think i will never see her again..

 

But what choice have i got... seems too risky to be with her..

 

Also partly i am glad.. i had the courage to dump her...

 

 

 

Do some people use disrespect or rudeness, but hide it under the guise of a joke?

[soulforge]

Also i fear this..

 

What if i had to call her out for bad behaviour, or i had to point out something to her that is not right she is saying or doing..

 

Do i have to put up with being cut off the phone.. then ignored for 4 days straight..

 

I don't thinks so! Not acceptable behaviour at all

Edited February 28, 2017 by soulforge

[soulforge]

Anyhow i feel somewhat glad i got rid of her..

 

I need a woman who makes my life better, who is committed to making the relationship work through communication. Someone who will stand by me, through the good and the bad times..

 

Someone able to see her own faults.. I am going to use this experience to improve myself.. and also to make sure the next person who i commit to, has some good qualities about her..

 

Not just a pretty face

[LitTunnel]

Anyhow i feel somewhat glad i got rid of her..

 

I need a woman who makes my life better, who is committed to making the relationship work through communication. Someone who will stand by me, through the good and the bad times..

 

Someone able to see her own faults.. I am going to use this experience to improve myself.. and also to make sure the next person who i commit to, has some good qualities about her..

 

Not just a pretty face

 

Just do your best to move on, unless she makes a miraculous change and begs for you back. Even then I would be cautious. Just take it day by day. Trust me I know the feeling but you and I have no choice. We can only pray we meet someone new who will knock our socks off:)

[soulforge]

Really really struggling today.. seriously hurts me to think will never see her again.

 

 

 

Kinda want her back.. but i know nothing good would come of it...

 

 

She has nothing to offer me.. we are not going to live together.. marry..

 

 

So why am i pining over her... i really need to get over this woman

[la74219]

Going through something very similar. Day 2 of NC. It sucks, but I'm hanging in there. Hope you guys are too.

[LitTunnel]

Really really struggling today.. seriously hurts me to think will never see her again.

 

 

 

Kinda want her back.. but i know nothing good would come of it...

 

 

She has nothing to offer me.. we are not going to live together.. marry..

 

 

So why am i pining over her... i really need to get over this woman

 

soulforge, listen up man, I'm ahead of you on the NC timeline and I'm happy to report I'm finally feeling glimpses of my old self. I don't feel as hung up on her like I used to. Now, I don't want to speak too soon but dare I say I actually woke up today feeling good. Almost like a dark cloud had left me, but I know I'm going to relapse from time to time but the point is the change for the better is actually happening. So just hang in there. Dude, you realize how bad I was? I was at one point thinking I was going insane lol. Again, I don't want to talk too soon but this is so far a great sign. Btw, I'm close to 9 months BU and 6 months NC so you do the math. Not to say you'll heal the same time but at least you get an idea because from a scale of 1-10 I was an 11 on the devastation scale. HANG IN THERE!!!!!

[soulforge]

There is some back story to this, if you read my last two threads, you will have a better understanding of the situation.

 

I ended it with her 2 weeks ago, mostly because of her behaviour towards me.. rudeness and just not willing to except any wrong doing at all..

 

The other big factor is this..

 

It was a LDR initialy and we dated long distance for nearly 2 years.. this was very difficult to do, but we still managed to see each other sometimes twice a week..

 

We decided it was best for us to live together.. it took nearly 2 years for her to be able to get a job transfer over here..then we finaly where able to be together.

 

We only lived together 3 months.. the first serious argument we had, she moved back home again and within a week transfered her job back to her home town.

 

 

So here are how things stand..

 

 

01. She will never transfer her job back here, so we cannot live together again.

 

02. I cannot risk quitting my job, and my home and moving to be nearer to her, incase the first sign of any problem, she might walk out again.

 

 

03. I cannot live at her house, because she could kick me out anytime, i would end up homeless

 

 

04. Going back to LDR is just going backwards in the relationship and will not work for too long.

 

05. Her rudeness towards me sometimes, and the way she has treated me recently has also left me believing that this girl is not a good candidate to invest in long term.

 

06. She also does not even see or realise the things she does wrong, and therefore its impossible to solve problems.

 

 

I really do love this woman, it has not been all bad.. we have had some fantastic times.. and i really wanted us to be together for life..

 

The fact that there was many good times, that makes this situation so hard for me.

 

 

I have changed the sim card in my mobile phone, so she cannot text or ring me.. have also blocked her everywhere..

 

I am 42 years old now, just feel like i need a good partner in my life, who i can build a future with..

 

With my ex it seems we are not going anywhere at all..

 

 

Am i making the right decision by moving on guys? Because i fear losing her and it hurts me everyday?

[soulforge]

There are days, where i feel this is the right thing to do..

 

Then days where i feel maybe walking away was a big mistake!

[nowhereboy]

Honestly fella she sounds like my ex.

 

I loved her too much tho and became weak, stopped looking after my needs to avoid arguments, she would stone wall and use silent treatment.

 

In her head I should know what the problem is and not have to ask or talk about it. I think she was a bad communicator but she would never say that, it's all my fault in her eyes.

 

Anyway my point is you have probably done the right thing, I ended up committing financially to her and have got myself into a mess. She's lost feelings now due to a lack of respect for me.

 

I have been dumped 3 or 4 times in total now and in hindsight as hurtful as it is I should have walked ages ago to save myself all this hurt, pain and financial trouble.

[soulforge]

Honestly fella she sounds like my ex.

 

I loved her too much tho and became weak, stopped looking after my needs to avoid arguments, she would stone wall and use silent treatment.

 

In her head I should know what the problem is and not have to ask or talk about it. I think she was a bad communicator but she would never say that, it's all my fault in her eyes.

 

Anyway my point is you have probably done the right thing, I ended up committing financially to her and have got myself into a mess. She's lost feelings now due to a lack of respect for me.

 

I have been dumped 3 or 4 times in total now and in hindsight as hurtful as it is I should have walked ages ago to save myself all this hurt, pain and financial trouble.

 

 

Sorry to hear this man.. i hope your holding up ok.. take each day as it comes..

 

In my case, to be honest, if she behaved incorrectly towards me, i would not stay silent and let her get away with it.

 

I would point this out to her.. the fact that she cut me off the phone, and didn't bother with me for 4 days, was enough to end it with her..

 

For me that was one step too far, too disrespectful.. if i let her get away with treating me like that, then things would have only got much much worse

 

So i ended it... and here i am missing her like crazy now... but going back to her does not seem like an option anymore!

 

If i get back with her, i can imagine things going wrong again!

[soulforge]

At the time i really felt like this was my only option.. ending it..

 

The kind of person she is.. i am doubtful she would realise her mistakes too, and try fix things between us.

 

Plus i have changed my contact numbers, so even if she wanted to, how could she reach out to me?

 

Should i go back to my normal number just in case..

 

 

Feel so confused right now

[soulforge]

Another really bad day

 

I hope things get easier