She's denying her affair just so heartbroken and emotionally drained.

[aliveagain]

Have your lawyer's office email her asking her where she would like the divorce documents forwarded to, home, office or her boyfriends place.

[AnneP]

That may or may not be true...

 

If she leaves to go screw the other man, that can be called abandonment. In that case he may have every right to change the locks.

 

And even if he does not, let her call the police, so what? Are they going to put him in "changing the locks" jail. They will tell him to let her in.

 

In either case, she will get the point...

 

"Changing the locks" jail.

 

Hahahaha

[CaliforniaGirl]

If she goes on her sex weekend, I think that gives him a huge reason to change the locks. Yes, she can call the cops, but they won't arrest him. They may make him let her in, but that's it. If she threatened calling the cops I'd tell her that if she does that, that every one of her communications with OM would be posted on every social media there is.

 

And this is all going to happen in front of the children?

 

With the cops letting a banging angry Mommy in and the cops deciding they don't need to haul Daddy off after all and Daddy screaming at Mommy that he's going to slam Mommy all over social media because she called in the fuzz?

 

Great plan.

[Friskyone4u]

Why would she think she CAN do pretty much anything and you will take her back? Because she knows you don't have the courage to follow follow through with any consequences. So the question becomes why shouldn't she go out and bang this guy? If you truly believe that her having sex with another man is a deal-breaker then you have to assure her you will file for divorce if she even talks/texts/emails this guy again and then follow through with your threat. If you can't or won't do this then you're just here to whine and look for sympathy.

 

 

If she goes on this trip and it is not a deal breaker for you then there is no more advice that anyone can give you.

 

And her telling you she does not want the marriage to end is even more disrespect because she actually believes you will be on your knees begging and pleading when she returns.

[BuddyX]

 

 

If she goes on this trip and it is not a deal breaker for you then there is no more advice that anyone can give you.

 

And her telling you she does not want the marriage to end is even more disrespect because she actually believes you will be on your knees begging and pleading when she returns.

 

You would be surprised how many spouses do take back a WS.

 

Hoping I'm wrong, but I get the feeling the OP still wants another stab at the marriage (even if she leaves for the weekend).

[Jurassic12]

I have spent too much time in this relationship to let it go all to waste. I still love her. I don't want to force her to stay but I told her parents. They did not believe me so I had to send the incriminating evidence. They're now furious and want to speak to her but she's refusing. If we did not have a good marriage before this I would just throw in the towel, I don't know what has gotten into her. She is angry at me for telling and has said that our marriage is our concern and no one else's. How would you feel if I tattled on you to your parents?

 

The inlaws said if she doesn't talk to them then they're just going to come here tommorrow. I don't know what that will do hopefully knock some sense into her. If she goes I will continue with the D no questions asked, I hope she doesn't mostly for my own personal health. I would go mad thinking about her being with the other guy all weekend.

[Friskyone4u]

You would be surprised how many spouses do take back a WS.

 

Hoping I'm wrong, but I get the feeling the OP still wants another stab at the marriage (even if she leaves for the weekend).

 

Like I said, if that happens there is no advice left to give . Is there????

[BuddyX]

Her not going does not equal "she loves you". She will not all of sudden wake up and realize how hot and attractive you are. It does work like that. Attraction is not a choice.

 

Just remember if you decide to R. it will take IC, MC and months/years.

[GoldenR]

She is angry at me for telling and has said that our marriage is our concern and no one else's. How would you feel if I tattled on you to your parents?

 

Excellent!

 

Jurassic, remember what she said about you telling her parents before you told? She said she didn't care and why would they be upset at her for finding someone that treated her the way she deserves to be treated.

 

Far cry from how it actually panned out, isn't it? This, my friend, is a perfect example of the fog. From her reaction, you have the first signs of out lifting, but you still have a ways to go.

 

Proud of you!

[BluesPower]

Excellent!

 

Jurassic, remember what she said about you telling her parents before you told? She said she didn't care and why would they be upset at her for finding someone that treated her the way she deserves to be treated.

 

Far cry from how it actually panned out, isn't it? This, my friend, is a perfect example of the fog. From her reaction, you have the first signs of out lifting, but you still have a ways to go.

 

Proud of you!

 

I wish GR was right but I am afraid they may not be. You wife has lost her mind.

 

Dude, there is no way you take her back after all of this stuff, no way.

 

What would you have if you did, a nut job wife that things banging another guy over the weekend is not that big a deal? A wife that thinks she can come back a live with you after what she has ALREADY DONE. Not to mention the upcoming sex fest this weekend.

 

I will tell you what you would have, zero self-respect. You would never be able to look yourself in the mirror again.

 

Just divorce her and keep moving on no matter what she chooses to do.

[Imajerk17]

That your wife has been carrying on this affair **right in front of you**, AND that she is expecting you to keep silent, AND she is expecting you to wait for her when she gets back, AS she insults your intelligence and say she isn't going to have sex w this guy....

 

....says your marriage is ALREADY over, friend. Even if she cancels her trip. She's already betrayed you for another man emotionally AND financially (even if they have yet to meet physically) and she is twisting the knife too. Disengage yourself from this toxic Medusa. Meanwhile it is time to explain (in an age-appropriate fashion) what is going on w your kids.

Edited February 28, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Friskyone4u]

I have spent too much time in this relationship to let it go all to waste. I still love her. I don't want to force her to stay but I told her parents. They did not believe me so I had to send the incriminating evidence. They're now furious and want to speak to her but she's refusing. If we did not have a good marriage before this I would just throw in the towel, I don't know what has gotten into her. She is angry at me for telling and has said that our marriage is our concern and no one else's. How would you feel if I tattled on you to your parents?

 

The inlaws said if she doesn't talk to them then they're just going to come here tommorrow. I don't know what that will do hopefully knock some sense into her. If she goes I will continue with the D no questions asked, I hope she doesn't mostly for my own personal health. I would go mad thinking about her being with the other guy all weekend.

 

Jurassic,

 

OK, nice move telling her parents, but my guess is here is how this is going to play out.

She is an adult and is going to tell them she is still going and that they cannot stop her. They will be pissed off as hell at her but she is still their daughter and do not count on them getting her to stop obsessing about this OM.

 

What she has done is far worse than had she snuck off and banged him and then you caught her. You knowing exactly what she was doing and her flaunting it in your face and treating you so poorly is something that you are going to be tormented by for years.

 

You really need IC to find out why you are so determined to immediately forgive this, which if she does not go this week end you appear eager to do.

 

If she does not go this week end, do you really believe she will break it off and go NC with him. ???? I do not think anyone reading this believes this so all you are accomplishing is delaying the inevitable.

 

Your only chance of getting any real REMORSE, if that is possible and I doubt it, is to get those divorce papers in her hand and DEMAND , not ask for, conditions that you will allow her to remain your wife. Anything else is just prolonging your pain.

 

Her immediate reaction now is going to be ANGER and RAGE at you for daring to spoil her plan or get her parents involved.

 

So dont expect a reversal of her actions

[GoldenR]

I wish GR was right but I am afraid they may not be. You wife has lost her mind.

 

Dude, there is no way you take her back after all of this stuff, no way.

 

What would you have if you did, a nut job wife that things banging another guy over the weekend is not that big a deal? A wife that thinks she can come back a live with you after what she has ALREADY DONE. Not to mention the upcoming sex fest this weekend.

 

I will tell you what you would have, zero self-respect. You would never be able to look yourself in the mirror again.

 

Just divorce her and keep moving on no matter what she chooses to do.

 

 

Oh believe me, I agree with you. This has 'irreconcilable' written all over it. I was just saying that there may be a glimmer of awakening in her right now.

[Jurassic12]

She has said she doesn't know what she wants to do. She feels like she has tried to fix the marriage but I haven't put in any effort at all before this. She has finally given me some info about the timeline of the affair, they met on this online forum they're both apart of. He started chatting her up and then it just escalated. I told her she has just made our marriage much harder even if she doesn't go to see him, she is already cheating on me and if she wants any chance to salvage this she cannot go see him. I told her the longer she takes to make her decision the harder it's going to be. She said she cares about me but doesn't know if she's in love with me still but she wants to do counseling.

 

She did ask why I even want to stay with her, I gave her my reasoning. She believes I didn't appreciate her these last few years and she said how I feel now she's been feeling for awhile. I said that was BS, I didn't have an affair was flaunting it in her face. "You might as well of with the lack of attention/affection you showed me, do you know how unhappy I've been?"

[GoldenR]

She has said she doesn't know what she wants to do. She feels like she has tried to fix the marriage but I haven't put in any effort at all before this. She has finally given me some info about the timeline of the affair, they met on this online forum they're both apart of. He started chatting her up and then it just escalated. I told her she has just made our marriage much harder even if she doesn't go to see him, she is already cheating on me and if she wants any chance to salvage this she cannot go see him. I told her the longer she takes to make her decision the harder it's going to be. She said she cares about me but doesn't know if she's in love with me still but she wants to do counseling.

 

She did ask why I even want to stay with her, I gave her my reasoning. She believes I didn't appreciate her these last few years and she said how I feel now she's been feeling for awhile. I said that was BS, I didn't have an affair was flaunting it in her face. "You might as well of with the lack of attention/affection you showed me, do you know how unhappy I've been?"

 

You told us that she had just recently told you how lucky she was to have you, and (unless I'm getting threads mixed up) she had planned shine big vacation cooking up.

 

That being the case, everything you posted about her above is all wayward fog talk: rewriting history, justification, and deflection.

[EZNona]

I have spent too much time in this relationship to let it go all to waste.

 

My Dear Jurassic,

 

While I understand this mentality, you have to remember that your wife is very much so willing to let it all go to waste despite all that you and 'possibly' she have put into it.

 

She is showing you in every way imaginable that she does not care about you, your sanity, or your emotional well-being.

 

Right now you're in shock, but when the dust settles and it's just you and her sitting in that house, do you really think you'll be able to look at her the same again? Do you think you will have peace of mind that she's not chatting up some other man? Do you think you'll ever forget these moments and feel rest assured this woman has any love for you?

 

I can't imagine any man ever fully recovering from this. We all are given one life and it would be a shame to waste your last years on earth trying to stay in a marriage with this cruel and hurtful woman.

 

It's hard to visualize it now, but there is better for you out there.

[Jurassic12]

You told us that she had just recently told you how lucky she was to have you, and (unless I'm getting threads mixed up) she had planned shine big vacation cooking up.

 

That being the case, everything you posted about her above is all wayward fog talk: rewriting history, justification, and deflection.

 

We took our kids to Disney world in the summer and she had a great time. She told me she loved me and wouldn't want to spend her time with anyone else. Our marriage wasn't newlywed passionate hot or anything but she was happy and so was I. As you can see this is one of the reasons I'm just trying to hold on but if she makes her choice it's over . I am so crushed. I didn't do anything to deserve this.

[Imajerk17]

You realize she is giving you the easiest defense in the world, right: Rewrite marital history by making statements that are vague and therefore hard to argue against, to subtly put the blame for all this on YOU:

 

"I wasn't happy for a while" (even if she seemed really happy she can say she was only acting and why couldn't you see that), "You never paid me any attention", "I've been putting more effort into this marriage than you have", "Ever since OM came along and showed me the attention you weren't, I don't know what I want and I need to honour my feelings".

 

Except that's complete BS. You've been a great husband it sounds like. If she truly was unhappy, it was on HER to tell you what was up, instead of pretending she was happy when she wasn't. She sure as hell shouldn't have started an affair. Anyway, she should have taken her very own advice "our marriage is nobody else's business", BEFORE she went to her OM.

 

So don't fall for it. She was the one who showed NO concern for you, your marriage, OR your family. If she wanted to change things she had other options. There needs to be consequences for this. She needs to go, for your self-respect as much as anything. Hell she will never respect you herself if she gets to stay.

 

BTW, in your 2nd paragraph in your post #139, you mention that even SHE asked why you wanted to stay w her, implying that even in her fog, she knew she was feeding you a lot of BS.

Edited February 28, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Friskyone4u]

She has said she doesn't know what she wants to do. She feels like she has tried to fix the marriage but I haven't put in any effort at all before this. She has finally given me some info about the timeline of the affair, they met on this online forum they're both apart of. He started chatting her up and then it just escalated. I told her she has just made our marriage much harder even if she doesn't go to see him, she is already cheating on me and if she wants any chance to salvage this she cannot go see him. I told her the longer she takes to make her decision the harder it's going to be. She said she cares about me but doesn't know if she's in love with me still but she wants to do counseling.

 

She did ask why I even want to stay with her, I gave her my reasoning. She believes I didn't appreciate her these last few years and she said how I feel now she's been feeling for awhile. I said that was BS, I didn't have an affair was flaunting it in her face. "You might as well of with the lack of attention/affection you showed me, do you know how unhappy I've been?"

 

 

Jurassic,

 

She is STILL lying to you. She knows exactly what she wants to do, and will probably sit do, but you telling her parents and their reaction has made it a little more difficult for her. So instead of getting her head out of her ass, she is now rationalizing why it is your fault if she goes. Yup, you need to take the blame.

 

Now the big question is when are YOU going to wake up my friend. You are still playing the "pick me" game, and that NEVER ends well for you.

 

You need to STOP the damm talk about MC. You do not do MC with someone in an active ongoing affair, and no therapist worth their license will knowingly do that if the objective is to save the marriage. You do not consider MC until

(1) there is an extended period of NC and an end to this affair

(2) you can verify that it has stopped. That means you get passwords to every electronic device she owns. And yes she can buy a burner phone but it her willingness that is important

(3) she write, not calls, a NC communication to him that YOU SEE first.

 

You still need to file for divorce. It does not happen instanteously. What it does do is make it perfectly clear and believable that she is a cat on her ninth life and that she has a limited amount of time to either get all in 100% or let the divorce go through.

 

And the last demand, given the abuse she has shown you, is that you are not going to stop the divorce until she passes a polygraph verifying she has not remained in contact with him or met him since tomorrow .

 

Jurassic, you are going to get nowhere until you stop the pity party, stop crying to her, stop begging her and start telling her what she is going to do in order to remain in your home as your wife.

 

Personally, I think she is going to go anyway and blame it on you, and then come home, lie to you, tell you she wants to still remain married, and then she will take the affair underground.

 

If you do not get her to believe that when she walks out that door Friday that it is over you are doomed to have no chance. And getting her to believe that means gettin g the damm paperwork from an attorney and if she prepares to leave telling her to sign the papers.

 

We all know you have been handed a bad hand, but we also all know what gthe results arfe going to be if you do not change tactics very quickly and go on offense instead of defense.

[road]

I have spent too much time in this relationship to let it go all to waste. I still love her. I don't want to force her to stay but I told her parents. They did not believe me so I had to send the incriminating evidence. They're now furious and want to speak to her but she's refusing. If we did not have a good marriage before this I would just throw in the towel, I don't know what has gotten into her. She is angry at me for telling and has said that our marriage is our concern and no one else's. How would you feel if I tattled on you to your parents?

 

The inlaws said if she doesn't talk to them then they're just going to come here tommorrow. I don't know what that will do hopefully knock some sense into her. If she goes I will continue with the D no questions asked, I hope she doesn't mostly for my own personal health. I would go mad thinking about her being with the other guy all weekend.

 

This why exposure must be done.

 

 

Who else did you expose this affair to?

[road]

I wish GR was right but I am afraid they may not be. You wife has lost her mind.

 

Dude, there is no way you take her back after all of this stuff, no way.

 

What would you have if you did, a nut job wife that things banging another guy over the weekend is not that big a deal? A wife that thinks she can come back a live with you after what she has ALREADY DONE. Not to mention the upcoming sex fest this weekend.

 

I will tell you what you would have, zero self-respect. You would never be able to look yourself in the mirror again.

 

Just divorce her and keep moving on no matter what she chooses to do.

 

Bad advice this WW did not go anywhere yet to hook up.

[BluesPower]

Bad advice this WW did not go anywhere yet to hook up.

 

Road...

 

Read a little deeper. She is having an EA and flaunting it in the OP's face. She is planning to go hook up with the loser this weekend, and is paying for the hotel room.

 

Not a woman anyone should take back in my opinion.

[waterwoman]

She is gone. Sorry xx

 

When I had my EA many many years ago I tried to mitigate my guilt by pretending to myself that I had been neglected. I had never seriously brought up my issues with H just seemed to expect that he would understand. Thing is when a relationship is new and shiny it seems that is happening - you are both totally in tune and the world is all luverly. The fact is you are both drunk on limerence so it seems as you are 'twin souls' singing in harmony!! Which is so much unmitigated bo**ocks. When that eases and the limerence changes to love some of the gilt is off the gingerbread - the gingerbread is still good but it doesn't glitter anymore. For those who are unsatisfied with themselves and perhaps a little immature (as I was) - that is a problem. If you don't make yourself happy you look to an outside factor to do that.

 

She wasn't unhappy, she was a bit bored, she wanted some gilt on her gingerbread and when you didn't provide it she felt it was your fault but didn't say anything because she couldn't articulate her wants. Mr Online came along with gilt by the shedload and hey presto ....you were neglectful.

 

If she comes to her senses, if she comes back to you, at the best you will have a wife who can't find her own happiness and is dependent on others to get it. Someone like that will NEVER be happy. What is more you will have a wife who thinks nothing of tearing the world of those around her apart to get this ephemeral intangible thing she wants.

 

I stepped back from the brink - beleive me even so my EA did damage that our marriage was still feeling years down the line - but she isn't going to inspite of you knowing and her parents knowing. It's a dead loss IMO.

 

I am really very sorry

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I think Jurassic's mind is made up about attempting reconciliation inspite of all the evidence and advice to the contrary so I guess it is best to ease up on him and let him decide which way he wants to go. I think sometimes when some one is bombarded with advice to follow a certain course of action he/ she sort of digs in and decides to do just the opposite. It then becomes a futile exercise trying to convince someone who has already made up his/ her mind and who does not want to budge an inch. Maybe, after some time has elapsed and Jurassic is able to process all that he has been given, including the drastic change in his circumstances, he will see the wisdom in the advice being offered to him. At that point of time he may take decisions more in line with what is being given him in the form of advice.

 

I don't know, I may be wrong but maybe the shock of his changed circumstances is a bit too much for him to handle and he has gone into some sort of a shock induced protective mechanism which prevents his mind from making rational decisions at the moment. He will recover in time from this shock induced paralysis and will then start functioning with some degree of normality. Hope this makes some sense. Warm wishes.

[Dark-Farmer]

I just want to say hang in there Jurassic!!!

A lot of these members have been through this before and are offering sound advice.

 

The problem is you are shell shocked with you emotions. You were effectively dropped in an emotional freezing cold lake from your cosy hot tub unexpectedly and are just gasping for air.

 

A lot of the advice is counter intuitive to your instincts of your pre-affair life. But unfortunately that chapter has closed and you are now in your post-affair life, and the rules are different. But if you take a lot of this advice you will thank us all later, whether you divorce or reconcile in the future.