She's denying her affair just so heartbroken and emotionally drained.

[JamesM]

Jurassic,lets start with this suggestion to run to MC. In case you do not know MC is a totally subjective and the range of opinions is as wide as the ocean.

 

Poor logic. Doctors have different opinions on treatments, but you certainly still go to a doctor when you are sick. And if one doctor doesn't help, then you go to another. This marriage is sick...and may be already dead.

 

 

Which leaves you with what the majority and other end of the spectrum will tell you, and that is NO CONTACT start immediately, there are no negotiations on anything to do with Om remaining in her life, and there are no therapist that tell you to allow it.

 

No one says that the OM should be allowed in her life. Going to counseling will put them together with an objective individual who will most certainly tell them that and help them decide if rebuilding is possible or wanted.

 

There is still NO STATEMENT from your wife that she is going to immediately end this relationship with OM. She has time and time again refused that demand and just repeated she does not want a divorce and wants to go to MC.

 

There is no statement that says she won't either. She didn't know based on his last comment about her. Her feelings are confused. Based on multiple stories here, this is common and is not necessarily reflective of her true feelings.

 

Now buckle your chin strap and play hardball, file for divorce. In two months or so, have her take an unexpected polygraph, and if she passes, THEN you start looking for MC.

 

There will be no opportunity for a polygraph or counseling. Guaranteed that following this advice WILL end the marriage.

 

And if you have the time. Read the stories on here about men who jump right into MC in your circumstances and see what the results are. Pretty lousy.

 

Marriage counseling in no way equals or guarantees a happy marriage. Going to a doctor does not mean you will leave cured either. What it does mean is that two individuals will get together with an objective educated third party who can help them decide if the marriage can be rebuilt.

 

You may save your marriage, but not by letting your wife control the narrative instead of you.

 

Saving the marriage will require both partners to control the narrative. He cannot drag her back to him by threats and ultimatums. He cannot get her to respect him by dominating her. He will gain her respect by treating her like an adult. He will gain respect if she knows that he is willing to give it another try (if he does want to) but she must do her part or forget it. He will not beg. He will not cry. He will not even get angry. He simply will let her choose what she will do. He cannot choose for her.

 

The marriage started with a commitment and a vow. She broke her vow. She has to decide if she wants to start over and make a new one. He never broke his.

 

She has had multiple opportunities and plenty of tyime to revise her position and has not done it. Until you mentioned divorce, she was packed and ready to go this week end,.

 

Actually, the divorce didn't stop her either.

 

I think she has had three opportunities. Plenty.

 

He told her what he wants if they will rebuild. Now she must choose.

[JamesM]

So you're saying he should give her time to go screw OM?

 

No.

 

Because unless they get an appointment before this weekend that's what will happen ... I just cannot see how that can be a sound approach from any perspective.

 

You just created a very simple straw man argument.

 

You have no clue if she will see him this weekend. She didn't say that she was still going to see him for certain in person after the big blowup (but I could have missed it). If I were to assume as you just did, then my assumption would be different as her last comments as recorded here were her confusion about her feelings to the OM but her willingness to seek counseling with Jurassic.

 

This would mean to me that she would NOT be visiting the man in the basement.

 

Everyone is different, but if she went ... that would be a deal breaker to me personally.

 

I think she would have made her choice about staying in the marriage or leaving, but she may actually see this fantasy online guy in real life and recognize her huge mistake. She may never even come close to a physical affair after meeting him in person. She may call home and beg Jurassic to take her back.

 

I would tell her (even if it was half fib) that no counselor would consider us if you are still actively in an affair because it shows no real interest on her part. Say "yes lets go to counselling 100% but that I have nothing to add till the affair is over."

 

Actually, I probably would say the same thing, but I might still suggest we at least meet with the counselor even before she made up her mind. Marriages have been rebuilt even in that position.

[Dark-Farmer]

You just created a very simple straw man argument.

 

I honestly respect your position and think you're getting too much flak. But sometimes you do need to read between the lines. So i don't think it's a straw man argument ... it could be. But maybe not. we are talking about future events ... nothing is certain. But if she goes I don't see the odds going in Jurassic's favour. Sometimes you have to play the odds.

 

Jurassic stated he saw messages from her saying She's going to "rock his world". To me she said it won't get physical to put his mind at ease to let her go.

 

Food for thought too, if her intention wasn't physical why a hotel?!?!?

Why not a coffee shop? if I took a first date to a hotel it would 100% be saying something ... and sex would be involved. And they would know it too.

Why a weeken?, why not an evening or afternoon?

Just doesn't add up it physical is not the intention.

 

Plus the argument that she may see this loser face to face and turn tail; Maybe, maybe not. Some people pity sex dates they have no intention of seeing again. Waywards looking for emotional comfort often say i don't know why i let it get physical but that they did anyways to have the emotional support. She may on the spot feel obligated too. Either way she should just not be there if she wants counseling and to work on the marriage.

[lolablue17]

I think your marriage is over.

 

It doesn't matter anymore if she decides to do what ever you demand, or not. It could have been, if immediately when you caught her, she would have said "I'm so sorry I hurt you, I promise to do what ever it take to gain your trust again" and initiate NC with that guy.

 

But the fact is that her extreme desire to meet him is still valid more then ever. So even if she surrenders, it's only because of your threats. Nothing has changed from the inside. So, eventually what did you achieve? A wife who reluctantly stays with you, against her will. Is this what you want? Because it's the maximum you can get. I say the maximum because 99% she will find a way to sneak and meet him not this weekend but soon, while trying to hide it.

 

This marriage is over.

[merrmeade]

Does your wife think she's getting back at you for something? What might that be (just for argument's sake)?

[Try]

She still hasn't started NC and still can't decide if she's going.

The fact she is still in contact with the other man (OM), and that at this point she still has not "decide if she's going" to spend the weekend with this OM says it all. She is trying to treat you like a fool when she tells you with at straight face that spending the weekend with him will not involve sex. Amazingly she offers MC to keep you on the hook as she continues the affair; she is actually trying to get you to do the pick me dance as she cheats with the other man. I have seen a lot of infidelity threads, and she is right up there when it comes to disrespecting you.

 

I agree with others. Leave for the weekend and do not tell her were you are at. If she gets someone to watch the children so that she can spend the weekend with the OM, do no be surprised when she comes back from her weekend of fun with the other man, and tells you that she has now decided on you. Before she goes, let her know in writing with her parents copied in that it does not work that way, and that going is a one way street that means there will be zero chance of you not divorcing her ASAP. Tell her that divorcing her would then be the only way that you could ever look yourself in the mirror again, and the only way that you could show your children what a person of integrity does when faced with such betrayal.

Edited March 2, 2017 by Try

[Imajerk17]

And this is sort of an aside, but I think the detail "but she said he wouldn't have sex w OM" actually makes things worse.

 

1. It's an obvious lie. We all know that already.

 

2. Even if she DOESN'T have sex (yeah I know as if), meeting another man under romantic protense is breaking her marriage vows already. Even CONSIDERING meeting another man is breaking vows. See, she is putting another man BEFORE her husband. Whether sex occurs (and it will) is *almost* besides the point. Almost.

 

Jurassic, please keep moving forward w the divorce proceedings. This woman doesn't deserve to be your wife anymore.

[mightycpa]

I think your marriage is over.

 

...

 

This marriage is over.

That's exactly what I've been thinking. That's what I've been thinking since this post:

 

so my wife of 14 years is having an online affair with a guy she met on an online forum. I discovered this by breaking into her email and seeing the emails of them professing their love for one another. Talking about how they love each along with scantily clad photos of my wife. When confronted she told me that I'm crazy and how dare I invade her privacy.

 

She has shown no remorse and no plans on stopping things with the OM.

That last sentence is the description of her decision.

[Jurassic12]

As broken as I am all I'm trying to go is get her served right now. Earliest it could probably happen is next week. I did already file. Hard for me to believe any sane person would do this to anyone they claim to love and care about. I could never see myself intentionally hurting her. I feel bad when I hurt her feelings on accident.

Edited March 2, 2017 by Jurassic12

[road]

I asked her who does she choose because I am going to move on. She said she chooses me. I told her as long as she still talks to him I will assume she has chosen him and I am going to move on. She then asked to go to counseling, I told her what do you not understand, I am not going to counseling while you're still having an affair. Knock it off or just leave the house and I will continue with divorce. Me and the kids will be better without you pulling this cruel bull****.

 

Huston, launch was successful we have a BH that has man'd up, big time.

[road]

If your goal is to end the marriage, then you are on track.

 

If you want to rebuild, then you may want to take a different direction and let her decide with what actions she takes.

 

Reality is...you can threaten and even act, but you can only end the marriage. If you want to rebuild the marriage, then the ball is in her court. Period.

 

She suggested counseling, then go. Saying you won't go unless she is out of the affair or that you will kick her out is not saying to her at all that you are willing to continue the marriage. She knows she has screwed up big time. Her words are simply blustering. She is trying to regain some perceived dignity, even though there is none left to get.

 

It is not weak to accept her suggestion. Call her on it. If she goes to counseling and ignores the recommendations of the counselor, then she chose to end the marriage. If she goes but refuses to quit communicating to the OM, then she chose to end it.

 

If you are worth it, then letting her decide and choose makes it so that later she cannot says she was somehow the victim and wanted to rebuild but you did not.

 

I know. My opinion is a minority. But someone has to add some reason to the situation.

 

MC is a total waste. A waste of time. A waste of money. When the WW

is still having her affair. The OP is correct in telling his WW no MC until

the affair is over and there is NC in place.

[MickeyBill]

As broken as I am all I'm trying to go is get her served right now. Earliest it could probably happen is next week. I did already file. Hard for me to believe any sane person would do this to anyone they claim to love and care about. I could never see myself intentionally hurting her. I feel bad when I hurt her feelings on accident.

 

Hang in there J12, Next week will be a roller coaster, whether she goes to rock the OM world or she steps back in your direction, you have made positive steps out of infidelity. If she wants to stay a cheater that is on her.

 

If you D or R you can look at yourself in the mirror, she can't.

 

Do something with the kids that they enjoy this weekend.

[S2B]

As broken as I am all I'm trying to go is get her served right now. Earliest it could probably happen is next week. I did already file. Hard for me to believe any sane person would do this to anyone they claim to love and care about. I could never see myself intentionally hurting her. I feel bad when I hurt her feelings on accident.

 

Why can't it be served now?

 

Literally if you have an extra copy and the form that shows who served her - you COULD have a complete stranger walk up and hand it to her-= served!

 

It's not complicated. It's a formality with a form that shows who served the papers.

[Try]

As broken as I am all I'm trying to go is get her served right now. Earliest it could probably happen is next week. I did already file.

Although you may not be able to have her served by someone else until next week, you can get a copy of the papers and serve her yourself right now. I would also have someone else serve her next week to avoid debate. Popping those papers in front of her with the court filing data, will make this all very real to her.

[MickeyBill]

Although you may not be able to have her served by someone else until next week, you can get a copy of the papers and serve her yourself right now. I would also have someone else serve her next week to avoid debate. Popping those papers in front of her with the court filing data, will make this all very real to her.

 

^^^^ and it should stop the weekend sex party in it's tracks.

 

If you have the papers, make two copies one for you and one for her.

Serve her at the dinner table and you can show what is going to happen

if she leaves this weekend.

 

When I read these stories I feel like I should call my xWW and thank her for not being Bat sh** Crazy.

[Friskyone4u]

As broken as I am all I'm trying to go is get her served right now. Earliest it could probably happen is next week. I did already file. Hard for me to believe any sane person would do this to anyone they claim to love and care about. I could never see myself intentionally hurting her. I feel bad when I hurt her feelings on accident.

 

Jurassic,

 

I may have missed it, but after sending him nude pictures, videos, and her used underwear, and you hearing her telling him what she is going to do with him, she is now telling you that if she goes they will not have sex??? Tell me I got that wrong please, and please tell me you do not even begin to even think about that being a possibility.

 

It's Thursday night so I guess you and everyone will find out shortly since tomorrow is Friday if she takes off to see him.

 

So from what you are posting, she is as I and others write this sitting at home with you still talking to OM. At this point, it almost does not matter if she goes or not. If after you telling her you are filing does not even get her to even think about stopping the communication, who the hell are you going to even think about reconciling with.

 

If she is still tonight talking to him in front of you then you need to start packing her bags and putting them all at the front door. No, you cannot stop her from coming back in the house but you sure as hell can make it clear that she is NOT coming back to discuss it and then ho to MC.

 

No MC with out total and unconditional NO CONTACT

[S2B]

And when you stop being nice to her she won't want to be in the house with you.

 

Why should you be nice to someone who has totally betrayed you and ruined your life?

 

You can't nice her back. You could tell her to leave now or if she stays expect that she's going to be treated much differently than the wife you used to know.

 

Having her gone would allow you to think with clarity and without all her drama around.

[Imajerk17]

I don't know if this has been asked yet, but have you yet talked w your children about what is happening?

 

I think they need to know that what your wife (and their mother) is doing is completely unacceptable to the family and you are filing for divorce. Especially because they have seen bits and pieces already.

Edited March 3, 2017 by Imajerk17

[JamesM]

As broken as I am all I'm trying to go is get her served right now. Earliest it could probably happen is next week. I did already file. Hard for me to believe any sane person would do this to anyone they claim to love and care about. I could never see myself intentionally hurting her. I feel bad when I hurt her feelings on accident.

 

I think in your mind that you have already left the marriage. You see no way to forgive her.

 

I also think you may be doing it too hastily as I think she is willing to reconcile, despite how she seems to be acting and speaking.

 

But like I said earlier, I can only give advice based on what you say and then on what I would do. I have seen marriages in real life come back from more than this and be a much stronger friendship and partnership than before.

 

There is still some hope for yours, but it is more difficult (but not impossible) to recover once divorce papers are filed.

[fenix]

As broken as I am all I'm trying to go is get her served right now. Earliest it could probably happen is next week. I did already file. Hard for me to believe any sane person would do this to anyone they claim to love and care about. I could never see myself intentionally hurting her. I feel bad when I hurt her feelings on accident.

 

I agree, regardless if she is going or not to visit this man, she has hold the Damocles sword over your head (meaning that she tried to keep you in constant fear with her actions to hold a control/power position over you) with the threat of going to visit her friend. She has not stopped her contact with the OM and she even using that contact to hurt you.

 

I think you should file and see how she reacts and only stop the filing if she starts showing you that she wants to try it by stopping all contact with the OM and start help you heal from what you have suffered (all this of course if you still would like to reconcile... if you have already passed that door, which I would understand quite good) then just served and let her face the consequences of her acts.

Edited March 3, 2017 by fenix

[Cephalopod]

She's not a stay at home mom but she works from home. Basically there is nothing that has happened unfortunately. She still hasn't started NC and still can't decide if she's going. I'm just devastated,

 

I said if she goes to her boyfriend there's no way we're going to renconcile. She said "she wishes she didnt feel like this". It's just all about her in her mind which kills me.

 

I am moving forward regardless. I WILL NOT be someone who stays with his wife after she takes a lustful weekend getaway with her lover.

 

She has been manipulating me, almost to the fact where I believe she said she wouldn't sleep with him. I've accepted that she has every intention of making this affair physical.

 

A divorce can always be stopped and cancelled before the final decree is issued by the court.

 

By not filing now, you are hedging your bets that she will eventually cave and decide to start acting like a wife. How long are you willing to live on the knife's edge? How long are willing to tolerate living with that kind of anxiety?

 

By filing now, you demonstrate to her that you are not to be used, exploited or disrespected. You are demonstrating to her, unequivocally, that you are going to protect yourself from her and her bad choices, that you have respect for yourself and that you are refusing to live in limbo while she makes up her bat-addled mind.

[Cephalopod]

I think in your mind that you have already left the marriage. You see no way to forgive her.

 

I also think you may be doing it too hastily as I think she is willing to reconcile, despite how she seems to be acting and speaking.

 

But like I said earlier, I can only give advice based on what you say and then on what I would do. I have seen marriages in real life come back from more than this and be a much stronger friendship and partnership than before.

 

There is still some hope for yours, but it is more difficult (but not impossible) to recover once divorce papers are filed.

 

She is not ready to reconcile. She is cake-eating. Her head is a bag of cats.

[merrmeade]

She is not ready to reconcile. She is cake-eating. Her head is a bag of cats.

A bag of cats?

[merrmeade]

I agree, regardless if she is going or not to visit this man, she has hold the Damocles sword over your head (meaning that she tried to keep you in constant fear with her actions to hold a control/power position over you) with the threat of going to visit her friend. She has not stopped her contact with the OM and she even using that contact to hurt you.

 

I think you should file and see how she reacts and only stop the filing if she starts showing you that she wants to try it by stopping all contact with the OM and start help you heal from what you have suffered (all this of course if you still would like to reconcile... if you have already passed that door, which I would understand quite good) then just served and let her face the consequences of her acts.

Yes, this is all sound advice regardless of why she's trying to hurt you.

 

And on that question - why she's trying to hurt you - you've said she complains that you don't treat her like a man should and you don't pay attention to her. So that means that she's having an affair just to hurt you because she feels neglected? Sounds like she got pretty frustrated and you were pretty clueless. If this is true, then you were not communicating, and your marriage was not as good as you thought.

 

It doesn't make the affair your fault by any means. She's an idiot for trying to get your attention with a bomb instead of a light and should get what she deserves. She could have asked for marriage counseling or threatened divorce herself. There were all kinds of options. Even if you beat her, there are other options than jumping into an affair.

 

I agree you should file for divorce and serve her back with a bomb. In the divorce process, a judge or lawyer usually introduces the mediator step. I think that's where a professional can ask the questions that you each need to think about to decide what you want to do about all this insanity.

[Friskyone4u]

I think in your mind that you have already left the marriage. You see no way to forgive her.

 

I also think you may be doing it too hastily as I think she is willing to reconcile, despite how she seems to be acting and speaking.

 

But like I said earlier, I can only give advice based on what you say and then on what I would do. I have seen marriages in real life come back from more than this and be a much stronger friendship and partnership than before.

 

There is still some hope for yours, but it is more difficult (but not impossible) to recover once divorce papers are filed.

 

But of course its not more difficult if she refuses to stop interacting with OM, right??? I guessed you keep missing that little detail