She's denying her affair just so heartbroken and emotionally drained.

[Friskyone4u]

Well it's too late on the sex thing. She came downstairs and initiated. I should of stopped but I'm too weak. She told me she feels messed up in the head, but I think she is lying. I mean it could be true, she has completely changed. She's now telling me she doesn't need a psych evaluation, all we should worry about is working on our marriage.

 

I asked did you stop speaking to OM? Her response: not yet, but she will stop. I told her to just leave me alone then, she said she's sorry for the hurt she's caused me and hates seeing me upset. I said no you don't, all you care about it yourself. She called me ridiculous and told me she never was going to go see him, she wanted to at first and now thinks it's ridiculous.

 

I told her if she cares about me or our marriage she'll go to a psych evaluation and cut off contact with OM. She said she will and that she loves me. I feel like she's playing mind games with me or is trying to get back at me for something. I am still having her served, I feel like ****.

 

Jurassic,

 

Please listen to what she told you. And that is SHE HAS NOT STOPPED TALKING TO OM. You need to stand your ground.

 

It does not matter what she says. It matters what she does. I think you get that.

Just as expected, she is in manipulation mode

(1) telling you she wants to work on marriage

(2) initiating sex with you

 

Now that you know she is still talking to him, use it to your advantage. It's actually better that she has admitted that because now she cannot tell you she already called it off with him. So now before you make any step towards R you MUST tell her you are not going to take her word it. The next time she approaches you you should tell her either she makes the call with you there to tell him never to contact her or she leaves you alone. Do not give her advance warning and do not interact with her any more until she goes NC.

 

Right now, it is just like all of us thought ( or al most all of us) and it is not guessing. She has not stopped her affair, and she probably has told him she had to cool it for a while but will still talk to him. And if she is talking to him she is getting him off, count on that. They are not discussing politics or current events.

 

Jurassic, you know your wife, and there is another old saying here and that is "trust your gut" And right now your gut is telling you that you are being played.

 

Remember Jurassic. You can STOP a divorce any time you want to, when she does what she needs to do. Dont fall for the bull **** that you are pushing her to OM. She is still in her mind with hiim. She tells you she is sorry for hurting you and then in the next breath tells you she has not stopped talking to him, so he is getting a play by play broadcast of what you are saying.

 

I'm going to say it again YOURE WIFE IS STILL DIRTY TAL,ING SWITH ANOTHER MAN IN YOUR HOME PROBABLY WHILE YOU ARE THERE. You got that. You do not reconcile until; that stops or you are in for a world of hurt, and when our buddy tells you that we don't know that for sure, he'll be the only one who says that. You. Do not want to play the "pick me game" That does not end well for BH.

 

Now lets look at where you were when you started this thead. Your wife was in a heavy online affair and openly planning to bang OM even with you within earshot. Your initial response was to beg and plead to the point you got yourself sick and a mess. Then, after a lot of comments here, you did the right thing and stiffened your resolve not to put up with the **** any more. And she backed off going because it started to get real for her.

 

Jurassic. If she does not make the call to end it and also come up with a plan on how you verify that, like total transparency offer, no deletion of computer activity, and all passwords, then you need to file on Monday.

 

That will put her on notice that she now has a limited time to end this affair or there are going to be more unpleasant consequence.

 

When a group of total strangers, all with experience of being right where you are, tell you the same thing, except for one who thinks he knows more than everyone else, the group is rarely wrong.

 

You want to reconcile. Then she ends the affair with no strings. And this crap about she will be mad because you forced her to is nonsense. Are you mad now Jurassic??? I hope so. So she can be mad. She decides if she wants to be married or if she does not, and she has had plenty of time to think about it. Right now she is in "stall" mode. Still talking to him and you having sex with her. She can stall it some more if you call up and get an MC appointment in a week or two. She'll just tell you she wanted to discuss it in front of MC.

 

You can save this marriage. BH have recovered from much worse and much more delusional WW, but not if you play the pick me game and she does what she wants to.

 

Stay strong Jurassic. You can win this game

[JS84]

She's playing you like a fiddle.

[Marc878]

Well it's too late on the sex thing. She came downstairs and initiated. I should of stopped but I'm too weak. She told me she feels messed up in the head, but I think she is lying. I mean it could be true, she has completely changed. She's now telling me she doesn't need a psych evaluation, all we should worry about is working on our marriage.

 

I asked did you stop speaking to OM? Her response: not yet, but she will stop. I told her to just leave me alone then, she said she's sorry for the hurt she's caused me and hates seeing me upset. I said no you don't, all you care about it yourself. She called me ridiculous and told me she never was going to go see him, she wanted to at first and now thinks it's ridiculous.

 

I told her if she cares about me or our marriage she'll go to a psych evaluation and cut off contact with OM. She said she will and that she loves me. I feel like she's playing mind games with me or is trying to get back at me for something. I am still having her served, I feel like ****.

 

It's not uncommon for sex to be used in order to get you back in control.

 

You are correct all she cares about is herself and keeping her plan B intact. I suspect she is still expecting you to be a doormat and hasn't figured the new you yet. You have confused her. Nice job!!!!

 

Advice on doing the "pick me dance" or trying to nice her back would be to your detriment.

 

Your strength will get you through this no matter what happens. Weakness will get you a long and more painfull stay in limbo.

[MickeyBill]

Well it's too late on the sex thing. She came downstairs and initiated. I should of stopped but I'm too weak. She told me she feels messed up in the head, but I think she is lying. I mean it could be true, she has completely changed. She's now telling me she doesn't need a psych evaluation, all we should worry about is working on our marriage.

 

I asked did you stop speaking to OM? Her response: not yet, but she will stop. I told her to just leave me alone then, she said she's sorry for the hurt she's caused me and hates seeing me upset. I said no you don't, all you care about it yourself. She called me ridiculous and told me she never was going to go see him, she wanted to at first and now thinks it's ridiculous.

 

I told her if she cares about me or our marriage she'll go to a psych evaluation and cut off contact with OM. She said she will and that she loves me. I feel like she's playing mind games with me or is trying to get back at me for something. I am still having her served, I feel like ****.

 

Looks like you may be making a breakthrough!

She is off balance because you are not doing what she expected, because she never thought of the ramifications. Keep strong and when she is served she will probably be shocked.

 

Then is the time where you explain the things that need to be done before any MC or R (if you want that) can take place.

1. Solid NC and transparency including Password on all SM and email and text accounts.

2. Psych eval because she seems to have flown off to cloud kookoo land without warning.

3. STD test

 

 

The Divorce can stop at any time, but it's up to you. As you filed, you can stop it, she cannot.

[deadsoul]

Well it's too late on the sex thing. She came downstairs and initiated. I should of stopped but I'm too weak. She told me she feels messed up in the head, but I think she is lying. I mean it could be true, she has completely changed. She's now telling me she doesn't need a psych evaluation, all we should worry about is working on our marriage.

 

I asked did you stop speaking to OM? Her response: not yet, but she will stop. I told her to just leave me alone then, she said she's sorry for the hurt she's caused me and hates seeing me upset. I said no you don't, all you care about it yourself. She called me ridiculous and told me she never was going to go see him, she wanted to at first and now thinks it's ridiculous.

 

I told her if she cares about me or our marriage she'll go to a psych evaluation and cut off contact with OM. She said she will and that she loves me. I feel like she's playing mind games with me or is trying to get back at me for something. I am still having her served, I feel like ****.

 

This is good. Stay strong with this. Don't stop the proceedings until she follows through. I'm no doctor, but play one on Tv. Just kidding... but from the things she says, there definitely seems to be a possibility of mental illness going on and she needs to explore that. And I agree she needs to cut all contact with OM with you in the room. Even still I wouldn't stop the proceedings until she's proved herself that she's worthy of you. But yes, she played you with sex.

[QuietDan]

No telling what her motives are or her end game is, if she has one.

So far, it appears that most of her actions and choices are based on her emotions.

She has demonstrated to you that she is an accomplished liar when it serves her purpose.

Her unfiltered expressions of her emotional state seems to be that she feels that she is "in love" with the other man.

She seems to be all over the place when it comes to her emotional regards for you. However, she has more than once recently expressed that she is anything but "in love" with you.

I will say that she appears to be one of the least regretful, remorseful waywards that I have seen in a number of years. She also appears to be one of the more manipulative waywards as well.

Compared to a wide variety of other threads that I have read/followed over the years, this wayward spouse of yours doesn't really seem to be doing anything more than working a damage control manipulation game with you.

At best, affairs are emotionally messy and confusing things. She doesn't really come across as all that out of touch with reality. She actually comes across more like this affair has revealed in some very unflattering ways her somewhat sociopathic tendencies. Either that, or she appears to have acquired and nursed some really deep seated feelings of resentment towards you and her relationship with you.

 

If she decides to get serious about repairing the marriage, why?

Guilt?

Convenience?

A return to some sort of comfortable familiarity?

The other man's mother found out and forced him to end the affair, you are the back up plan?

Things are getting to messy and complicated for the other man now, so he is dropping her, you are the back up plan?

 

At the moment, she appears to be planning on treating you like a mushroom.

[JamesM]

Jurassic, go see a counselor in real life and get some professional advice.

[bubbaganoosh]

Look friend. If your going to file then file but one thing you better do is get some backbone and when she tries to get you to have sex with her and, as you say your weak, then you lose especially after she's served.

 

Her lawyer can turn stuff like that around and make it like you want to reconcile with her and your right back to square one.

 

All she's doing is playing head games with you and your letting her. You slept in the cellar and after that it will be the back seat in your car or a motel room.

 

Time to make your choice. Either she proves to you that she wants the marriage and goes by your rules or you cut her loose. There's no in between here and as of now your on the short end of the stick so make your mind up and keep your stuff in your pants.

[usa1ah]

Just make sure if you are with her again, you don't get her pregnant. I have read about it before when a WW tried to trap her BH like that.

[Chaparral]

Having her served is only a shot across the bow. Filing and divorcing are two separate things. The divorce can be stopped anytime. Does she believe you have filed? Has she talked to her parents yet?

 

According to Dr. Harley, Marriage Counselors have a very bad record dealing with infidelity, often blaming the betrayed spouse. In the past they had no better record saving marriages from infidelity than couples just trying to solve this on their own.

 

Infidelity, when caught, leads to divorce about 65% of the time. Its much higher than that when the wife cheats. Since she hasn't met up with him and physically bonded, you ma have a better chance.

 

"The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

 

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

 

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure."

 

"The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

 

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

 

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure."

[Friskyone4u]

Jurassic, if you read this on Sunday, you need to have one last conversation with your wife, in which you give her one more chance to STOP this affair once and for all. no more " I'll get around to it" or any other excuses.

You need to tell her that when she does that and the following, you will make an MC appointment

(1) written timeline of when this started and every detail with progression dates. Including name of hotel she was going to and every password and app she has access to. The reason you need this is because then she cannot recreate history if you go to MC.

(2) a commitment from her and plan on what she intends to do to help you feel "safe". That means no more deleting anything and blocking him on all social media.

(3) giving you his contact information so you know who this ass hole is other than some guy beating off to her messages.

 

If she agrees to that and DOES IT , which in all likelihood she will refuse to do, then you make MC appointment for two weeks from now. If she has lied you cancel the appointment.

 

in the meantime, you let her know you have given her the opportunity to attempt to fix this, but if she refuses you are seeing an attorney Monday.

i hope i am wrong, but my guess is she will again tell you she just can;t go totally NC but will sometime in the future, and that is your answer.

 

Everyone here hopes we are wrong, but you must be prepared in case we are right. And no MC is going to solve this for you instantaneously, so unless she stops it immediately, you will be paying for therapy with an active cheater. That is CRAZY!!!!

 

Jurassic, when your wife actually believes in her mind that there are no more chances, then you will actually find out if she is R material or not. As long as she believes she has the chance to wiggle and dance around not getting her way, she will continue to do it.

 

You have caught a few huge breaks here, believe it or not.

(1) she was so delusional that she really did it out in the open and made no attempt to keep you clueless once you caught wind of it. She actually believed you were so weak you would let her go through with it.

(2) this OM is some helpless idiot in his mothers basement.

 

you may not be so lucky with the next OM if you do not stand your ground. She either wants to be married or not, no in between. And no boyfriends.

 

Now sit her down and calmly give her one last chance.

Edited March 6, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic bickering ~T

[S2B]

So she had sex as manipulation = predictable. She still hasn't ended the affair so there isn't anything to consider/work on with her.

 

But be ready - she will now say she's pregnant.

[Jurassic12]

We had a conversation, I gave her more chance to break off things with the OM and she has chosen too. She started crying on the phone and told him she doesn't want to talk to him anymore and she wants to work on her marriage because she loves me and her family. I'm still so hurt, she has told me she's sorry for what she's put me through and she's done with him.

 

This is not even close to where we need to be, but it is a start I hope. I think I should still get her served tomorrow. She told me she was really never planning to meet him, but feels bad for stringing him along and hurting him and hurting me in the process. I will still get her served, I still feel like crap but hopefully she can make it up to me and prove she's committed to our marriage.

 

This does not make up for even a little bit of the abuse I have taken. I still feel so awful at how she was conducting this.

Edited March 5, 2017 by Jurassic12

[WilyWill]

You're right to serve her. You can stop the process at any point. Give her the papers and tell her she's got an uphill battle.

[Friskyone4u]

We had a conversation, I gave her more chance to break off things with the OM and she has chosen too. She started crying on the phone and told him she doesn't want to talk to him anymore and she wants to work on her marriage because she loves me and her family. I'm still so hurt, she has told me she's sorry for what she's put me through and she's done with him.

 

This is not even close to where we need to be, but it is a start I hope. I think I should still get her served tomorrow. She told me she was really never planning to meet him, but feels bad for stringing him along and hurting him and hurting me in the process. I will still get her served, I still feel like crap but hopefully she can make it up to me and prove she's committed to our marriage.

 

This does not make up for even a little bit of the abuse I have taken. I still feel so awful at how she was conducting this.

 

 

OK Jurassic. Nice move. But you I believe you do realize she was crying more because her fun has been taken away rather than what she has done to you. And you also i believe know that she had every intention of meeting him and even rubbed it in your face openly. She is still lying like a rug. THE TEARS MEAN NOTHING Jurassic.

 

She is going to break NC. You can bet on it. From what you described, do you think that sounded to OM that she meant it or that she was crying her eyes out because her mean husband forced her to do it. You are not out of the woods my friend. She has bought herself more time. That is all this was. Is he blocked on all media???

 

Remember these words. ACTIONS NOT WORDS. Now what did you tell her your expectations were on transparency??? If tomorrow morning you go off to work and she deletes all her phone messages and calls him back to apologize for today how will you have any idea????

 

Thankfully, so far you are following the advice of 99% of us here. That is why she made that call today, not because she wanted to. You do realize that, don't you. So what you have here is a WW who has made the call under DURESS, and in her delusional mind is going to resent you for that and for spoiling her party. That is NOT R material. but lets continue to play the game.

 

Remember, TRUST YOUR GUT. And your gut is telling you to file tomorrow. DO IT JURASSIC. it does not mean you get divorced. It means she gets the consequences that her tearful little act today does not make it all OK now and that she can go back to doing what she was doing with impunity.

 

Jurassic, two things do not happen quickly. Divorce does not happen for months and MC does not work for months or years. By filing for divorce, you can attempt MC with her knowing that the heavy lifting is on her, not you, and that she has a limited amount of time to get her head out of her ass. From what she has done and the way she has behaved, she should be slobbering in tears with thanks to you for even allowing her this chance.

 

Make the MC appointment but not for a few weeks, and tell her any screw up on her part you cancel the appointment and meanwhile the clock ticks on D.

And you need to tell her that before you cancel the divorce proceedings, she is going to take a polygraph test verifying that she has not broken NC and opened any new accounts or seen OM. She should be thrilled to do that unless she is lying to you. Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Remember that and do not listen to the crap about reliability of polygraph tests. They are infinitely more accurate than a liar and cheater which at this moment you know your wife is. Even if you have no intention of doing it, her reaction is going to tell you a lot about her wanting to do anything to save her marriage, which she royally ****ed up.

 

Now to MC. Jurassic. MC is a subjective science, meaning that it the OPINION of the therapist and they are all over the place on opinions. You are the customer. You get to decide what is discussed. Interview them, tell them why you are there and that you expect the questioning to be your wifes behavior, not what you have done wrong. And just like you would do in a car dealer who gives you a crappy price, walk out if you need to and find a new one

 

Now is not the time to go backwards. Just remember the tears today were not for you.

Edited March 5, 2017 by Friskyone4u

[EZNona]

We had a conversation, I gave her more chance to break off things with the OM and she has chosen too. She started crying on the phone and told him she doesn't want to talk to him anymore and she wants to work on her marriage because she loves me and her family. I'm still so hurt, she has told me she's sorry for what she's put me through and she's done with him.

 

This is not even close to where we need to be, but it is a start I hope. I think I should still get her served tomorrow. She told me she was really never planning to meet him, but feels bad for stringing him along and hurting him and hurting me in the process. I will still get her served, I still feel like crap but hopefully she can make it up to me and prove she's committed to our marriage.

 

This does not make up for even a little bit of the abuse I have taken. I still feel so awful at how she was conducting this.

 

I would still have her served as the process can always be stopped. But her receiving those papers will be a reality check that you are willing to divorce her if she ever tries to pull a stunt like this again. She will know you are serious and not some chump that she took for granted.

 

I am really sorry you went through this.

[Marc878]

We had a conversation, I gave her more chance to break off things with the OM and she has chosen too. She started crying on the phone and told him she doesn't want to talk to him anymore and she wants to work on her marriage because she loves me and her family. I'm still so hurt, she has told me she's sorry for what she's put me through and she's done with him.

 

This is not even close to where we need to be, but it is a start I hope. I think I should still get her served tomorrow. She told me she was really never planning to meet him, but feels bad for stringing him along and hurting him and hurting me in the process. I will still get her served, I still feel like crap but hopefully she can make it up to me and prove she's committed to our marriage.

 

This does not make up for even a little bit of the abuse I have taken. I still feel so awful at how she was conducting this.

 

Words are meaningless. Keep your eyes and ears open. You'll know whether she's in or out in time if that's the path you choose.

[usa1ah]

The giveaway is that she cares for the OM. Instead of just breaking it off with the OM with no reguard for him, she is upset about hurting him. This is a bad sign. Have her served, this will show your wife's true colors I think. Don't start turning back to her yet. Keep the 180 going, it is to soon to stop. It will make her fight for the marriage or give up. If she fights and keeps fighting for the next few weeks then I would say you have a chance. If she starts out fighting for the marriage then stops, you have your answer as well.

 

You have to keep up the 180 during this time and stay stronge.

[QuietDan]

It's tough love.

Keeps the situation real with real consequences.

Put's her in the position where she has to make a decision and has to get serious about thinking through her situation and what she really want to do with her life and what is important to her. Does she care more about her current husband and the current family that she has been abusing, or herself, her desires, and her other man....

Ultimately, the goal should be that hopefully both of you two will be able to come back together and both of you will be in a relationship where both of you can will be in a fulfilling, happy, and satisfying relationship that will eventually be worth this hard lesson that both of you two are going through. If this is not possible, you will need to evaluated what will be best for everyone in the long run.

[MickeyBill]

IMO you should continue with serving her on Monday. The reason you are looking at divorce is because of her behavior with the OM, the texting and the planning. To pull it because of some glimmer of stopping the affair in the last couple days would be premature. She needs to know how damn serious you are about protecting your family. She needs to know what she has a good chance of losing

 

She still doesn;t get it.

 

"She told me she was really never planning to meet him, but feels bad for stringing him along and hurting him and hurting me in the process."

 

She is lying about not planning to meet him, and putting his feelings before yours is not a good sign.

 

You should have an idea as to what you will do when she breaks the NC, she's addicted like an alcoholic, she'll want another drink and will most likely contact him somehow.

 

See what happens when she is served tomorrow.

 

Good luck brother.

[S2B]

We had a conversation, I gave her more chance to break off things with the OM and she has chosen too. She started crying on the phone and told him she doesn't want to talk to him anymore and she wants to work on her marriage because she loves me and her family. I'm still so hurt, she has told me she's sorry for what she's put me through and she's done with him.

 

This is not even close to where we need to be, but it is a start I hope. I think I should still get her served tomorrow. She told me she was really never planning to meet him, but feels bad for stringing him along and hurting him and hurting me in the process. I will still get her served, I still feel like crap but hopefully she can make it up to me and prove she's committed to our marriage.

 

This does not make up for even a little bit of the abuse I have taken. I still feel so awful at how she was conducting this.

 

She's a good actress. You can't trust her.

 

You can't trust her for YEARS even if she stays on good behavior.

 

Have her served.

 

Severe consequences seem to be the ONLY thing making her see what her new life would look like - hence, possibly making her motivated to change. Start making BIG demands. Expose to all. Don't commit to anything right now. Demand she do TONS of counseling to figure out why she's so broken and hungry for attention. Why she's willing to lie, cheat and harm you and the kids.

 

I don't think she's sorry she did it - I think she's only sorry you caught her. That's not a good recipe for a cheater to repair the damage she caused.

 

Looks like she's just manipulating a LOT to get you to fall back into place so she can continue her lifestyle.

Edited March 6, 2017 by S2B

[whichwayisup]

We had a conversation, I gave her more chance to break off things with the OM and she has chosen too. She started crying on the phone and told him she doesn't want to talk to him anymore and she wants to work on her marriage because she loves me and her family. I'm still so hurt, she has told me she's sorry for what she's put me through and she's done with him.

 

Doubtful she will totally end it right away. Be prepared for them to speak online and break no contact. This is a process for her as well, she is SO addicted to how he makes her feel, that bubble she's in hasn't fully popped so don't believe when she says it's completely over. Also, her apology needs to be more heartfelt, because she's said some pretty awful things to you and made you feel so shi.tty. One "I'm sorry" doesn't cut it, not even close.

 

Tell her she MUST do counseling to fix herself. She's a broken woman right now.

 

This is not even close to where we need to be, but it is a start I hope. I think I should still get her served tomorrow. She told me she was really never planning to meet him, but feels bad for stringing him along and hurting him and hurting me in the process. I will still get her served, I still feel like crap but hopefully she can make it up to me and prove she's committed to our marriage.

 

I'm glad you're still serving her. The D can stop at anytime as long as she's deserving of it and showing genuine remorse and stays in NC mode with him.

 

Her loyalty has to be YOU not him.

 

This does not make up for even a little bit of the abuse I have taken. I still feel so awful at how she was conducting this.

 

I think once her bubble pops and she sees what she's done, understands that pain that she's caused you maybe there's a chance of her opening up and being totally honest and sincere. Right now she's got one foot out the door and her words mean nothing until she backs it up with action that proves to you she's worthy of a chance to make things right again. This is going to take a LONG time so be prepared to be patient and wait it out since you love her so much.

[JamesM]

We had a conversation, I gave her more chance to break off things with the OM and she has chosen too. She started crying on the phone and told him she doesn't want to talk to him anymore and she wants to work on her marriage because she loves me and her family. I'm still so hurt, she has told me she's sorry for what she's put me through and she's done with him.

 

This is not even close to where we need to be, but it is a start I hope. I think I should still get her served tomorrow. She told me she was really never planning to meet him, but feels bad for stringing him along and hurting him and hurting me in the process. I will still get her served, I still feel like crap but hopefully she can make it up to me and prove she's committed to our marriage.

 

This does not make up for even a little bit of the abuse I have taken. I still feel so awful at how she was conducting this.

 

This is a good start. You decide if you want to continue with divorce. Just remember that while you can stop it at any time, once you file it continues until you do.

 

IMO the best thing to do is to get the two of you into counseling. Start sorting through the hurt and abuse you have endured. Start examining why she started the affair. Decide if the two of you will be able to rebuild the marriage. Try (and this is difficult) to begin trusting her motives while at the same time keeping your eyes open to verify that what she says is true or is not true.

Edited March 6, 2017 by JamesM

[GoldenR]

Actually, no it is not. MC may itself help her see the light. I personally know of a man who went to MC with his wife yet he was not ready to leave his OW prior to the MC. After two sessions, he left the OW because he realized how stupid he had been and realized how the "fog" covered his rational thinking.

 

Well then he's the very rare exception and not the standard by which to do things. We see thread after thread here and everywhere else where a wayward enters into false R and money is wasted on MC as the wayward lies to both the BS and the counselor.

[Friskyone4u]

When you file, one of two things will happen, Jurassic.

(1) she will getting even more scared ****less that she has pushed you beyond the limit and realize she better not breakl NC and lie to you any more. Then you go to MC ONCE YOU CAN FEEL ITS TIME.

(2) get angry and use the filing as an excuse to run to him and break NC. If she does this it would have happened anyway and you will know what her true intentions are.

 

Remember Jurassic, you are the betrayed and abused spouse here. It is HER job, not yours to convince you that your marriage is worth saving. It is going to take months if not longer of therapy to get to the bottom of anything, and do you really want to go that route if she is b reading NC. I don't thin k so.

Edited March 6, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic bickering ~T