She's denying her affair just so heartbroken and emotionally drained.

[Friskyone4u]

I told her I want to move forward with divorce until she proves herself. She doesn't seem the need to and told me why would we waste our money on that when we could do counseling. She has exposed the affair to my family, she told them that I'm hurting right now and I could use their support and she is trying. I didn't tell her to she just told my mom.

 

 

Jurassic,

 

After her behavior she does not get to decide what needs to be done. YOU MAKE THAT CHOICE.

 

Remember ACTION OVER TIME Jurassic. Nothing is decided for sure. Now she gets to prove to you that she is worthy of a second chance. her statement shows this is all about her.

 

Too bad she was not saying these things a week ago. This time last week, after weeks of blatantly cheating in front of you, she still had her reservation for her sex fest with OM.

 

Now this has nothing to do with r or D. What steps are you taking to determine if she has kept NC. So far she cried her eyes out saying good bye to him, and then listened to a phone call where he professed his love instead of hanging up the phone on him.

 

You need to spell out EXACTLY what your expectations are if he reaches out again, which he surely will. otherwise, you give her the opportunity to "make a mistake".

 

Great, she told your family. Guess why. Because she knows they will pressure you to stay together. most grandparents will do that on either side.

 

Remorse does not come instantaneously after her behavior. Watch her and wait Jurassic. Give it some time, but I suggest you do not run tomorrow morning into therapy.

 

Do you trust her???? I hope not yet. Even if you file she has time to EARN her way back.

 

Again please reflect back and think where you would be had you not started to play hardball.

 

MC is NOT going to solve your problem in a few appointments after what she was doing. Maybe it will help, maybe not. Just do not be RUSHED. You are raw right now and the last thing you need to hear is an idiotic statement from some academic that the affair is not the problem, and that your marriage was.

 

Youre the good guy here.

[aliveagain]

Nothing has to happen today. Get the assessment done that she has agreed to. It's all about the actions.

[JamesM]

It sounds like she is coming around. It may seem all talk and yet cutting it off from the OM is an action. She is admitting publicly to your family of her sin.

 

Whether it is what you have done or what she has decided, you both seem on track for a possible reconciliation. There is a long road ahead, and the end of the journey has not been decided.

 

Work together but begin working on your self too whether in counseling or not.

 

Look how far she has come in just a week. Imagine the progress you can make in a month.

 

I don't know all who on this thread that has been where you are and actually reconciled, but one I know has. Read posts by understand50 and even PM him for advice if you think you need some. Read his other threads. He has a balanced view and it is from experience. He can tell you how to best deal with your wife and how far to trust or not trust her.

 

Start MC and get her to realize all that this has done. It may take a few sessions, but it will be worth it. Getting the two of you together with a third party who understands and is an expert at dealing with marital infidelity, will be a big help.

 

 

Go with your gut and go forward. As Mickey said,

It sounds to me that she is trying, she talked to your faminly and mom. Just take your time J12, only you (and her) will need to deal with this. The people on the forums will move on to other posts.

 

I don't think he is saying we don't care, but he too recognizes that you do have a plan and the ability to execute it. Don't doubt yourself. Follow your gut. You know best. Keep up the good work. TBH you don't need alot of advice anymore from LS folks. You seem to have the ability to handle this despite the emotional upheaval brought upon you.

[Jersey born raised]

I think you are where you need to be emotionally to either reconcile or divorce.

I would ask you to clarify several points: asset division is agreed upon, custody is agreed upon, child support support is agreed upon, and you have a good idea where you will live if you divorce.

 

If these points are in place, along with her actions to date the issue of adultery has been addressed to the extent (extent not done) then the issues in the marriage need to be addressed. Issues in a marriage create an enviroment that cause a WS to make the choice of adultery, so these issues need to be resolved or the adultery will occur again.

 

Some commonly books recommend include "His needs...Her Needs", "device busters" and 5 love Lanuages. It is also commonly recommend that both spouses seek IC first which I think might be wise.

 

As to your spouse I suspect a great deal of Limerance and projecting occurred in an effort to filled her "void".

[Jersey born raised]

Forgot to add not just friends.

[Cephalopod]

I told her I want to move forward with divorce until she proves herself. She doesn't seem the need to and told me why would we waste our money on that when we could do counseling. She has exposed the affair to my family, she told them that I'm hurting right now and I could use their support and she is trying. I didn't tell her to she just told my mom.

 

Okay. That is a good start. But you and her are not ready for marriage counseling.

 

One, you have not verified that her affair is actually over with and she has gone completely no contact with OM. Until that happens MC is a complete waste of money. You would be better off using that money for an attorney retainer.

 

Two, she needs to be in independent counseling, working on her issues and trying to figure out whether or not she really wants to be a married woman or not. She is nowhere near ready for joint counseling with you. You need to be in individual counseling also, looking into why you would accept such abuse.

[JamesM]

Okay. That is a good start. But you and her are not ready for marriage counseling.

 

I respectfully disagree, and please let me explain why.

 

One, you have not verified that her affair is actually over with and she has gone completely no contact with OM. Until that happens MC is a complete waste of money. You would be better off using that money for an attorney retainer.

 

His wife has exposed the affair to his family, Jurassic has told the OM to stay away and he has agreed, and the wife told the OM to stay away while Jurassic was there. She also showed him calls from the OM prior to Jurassic telling the OM to stay away.

 

This indicates alot and is a pretty good verification. What else would you think he should receive? What else would you require if it were your wife?

 

Two, she needs to be in independent counseling, working on her issues and trying to figure out whether or not she really wants to be a married woman or not. She is nowhere near ready for joint counseling with you. You need to be in individual counseling also, looking into why you would accept such abuse.

 

She is getting (or may have had) a psych eval with a counselor. I have to believe that this is individual counseling.

 

I think getting the two of them in the same room with an objective professional (and one who is experienced in infidelity) would be a good next step.

 

But yes, I agree wholeheartedly that both J and his wife should get IC for sorting out their own problems alone and without having to speak appropriately in front of the other. Often MCs recommend this if necessary too.

[Cephalopod]

I respectfully disagree, and please let me explain why.

 

His wife has exposed the affair to his family, Jurassic has told the OM to stay away and he has agreed, and the wife told the OM to stay away while Jurassic was there. She also showed him calls from the OM prior to Jurassic telling the OM to stay away.

 

This indicates a lot and is a pretty good verification. What else would you think he should receive? What else would you require if it were your wife?

 

She needs to sit down, with him, and write a No Contact e-mail to the OM, have him approve it, and then send it to the OM with him watching.

 

Then she needs to submit to a polygraph, and one of the questions she needs to answer is if there have been any other OMs.

 

She is getting (or may have had) a psych eval with a counselor. I have to believe that this is individual counseling.

 

I think getting the two of them in the same room with an objective professional (and one who is experienced in infidelity) would be a good next step.

 

No. She has not had time to work on her whys. She needs to do this with a counselor who can help her identify the reasons why she allowed her boundaries to fall, or if she ever had boundaries in the first place. She needs to work on her lack of communication, and come to terms with why she could not explain her needs to her husband before making the choice to cheat.

 

OP needs grief counseling and someone to talk to to vent his fears and frustrations.

 

Once they both have their heads on straight, MC can be much more effective.

But yes, I agree wholeheartedly that both J and his wife should get IC for sorting out their own problems alone and without having to speak appropriately in front of the other. Often MCs recommend this if necessary too.

 

He needs to sit down with her and ask her if there have been others other than this OM. He needs to know the full extent of her misbehavior.

 

She needs to write him a timeline of how the affair started, and everything from that point until now. No details left out.

[understand50]

Jurassic12,

 

I know at this time things are moving fast and you feel that you need to keep the pressure up with your wife. I would only point out to you, that your goal, if it is?, is to have a better marriage after all this. Also if you divorce, for your kids sake you will need a good relationship with your wife. So the links I originally sent you are things she needs to do. Both of you should read them, you for a baseline and her to know what is needed and expected. Remember, both of you do not know how to go about all this, and you both should learn how to. MC, and IC help, but I think you can get better results, both for yourself and your relationship if you make your own effort. Here are the links again:

 

Linda McDonald, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair"

 

I included the free PDF link:

 

http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_T...FINAL_pdf-.pdf

 

Her showing remorse, past what she is doing will help you heal, and her her as well. There was a good discussion on what remorse is. here is the link.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/609550-guilt-vs-remorse-vs-shame-relates-affairs

 

I know, the drum beat of "divorce Divorce, and have you thought of Divorce?" can get loud here on Love Shack, and you should consider it. If you do not divorce, but want to reconcile, several have been successful at it. Mr & Mrs John Adams, Merrmeade, Betrayed&stayed, and others come to mind. It is doable. Main thing is both must want to. You have kids, you have a family, sometimes you must "power through" the hurt and pain to go to a place where you can put together a better marriage. In the case of reconciliation, I think the hope is there that the pain will lessen and go away, but divorce will impact not only yourself and your EX, but your children and grandchildren.

 

Now, you have things to do. This is a link where what a BS needs to do, and in my opinion must do for a successful reconciliation.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/576217-there-responsibilities-bs-reconciliation

 

Look, you are lucky that this do not go into a physical affair, and you do not have that to deal with. What you have to deal with is bad enough, but in the end better times can be had.

 

I wish you luck....

[Silveron]

I told her I want to move forward with divorce until she proves herself. She doesn't seem the need to and told me why would we waste our money on that when we could do counseling. She has exposed the affair to my family, she told them that I'm hurting right now and I could use their support and she is trying. I didn't tell her to she just told my mom.

 

 

Move forward with the divorce until she proves herself? What is your end goal in this? Seems like you are pushing this threat of divorce to put her on the track that you think is right.. You can't use threats to get someone to do what you want or use it as a punishment.

 

 

What will work? Showing confidence without the use of threats. She got your message loud and clear. IMO back off from the divorce and threats of divorce. Go to marriage counseling and find counseling for yourself. Look at it as a weed, you need to pull the weed out by the root (find the root of the issue) otherwise just dealing with the affair itself is like pulling a few leaves off, in which it will grow back.

 

 

Also take a deep look into yourself on how you contributed to her feeling pushed away. No, the affair is not your fault or an excuse for her to do it, but no one is perfect and you can always improve yourself. When she talks, listen. Don't defend. If she said she wasn't feeling loved, accept it as her answer. She is not property. She needs to feel loved just like you and the kids do.

 

 

When my ex-fiancée cheated the year we were suppose to get married, I blamed her for about a year, until I started doing some soul searching. It hurt but I was able to realize that I did wrong in that relationship as well. Realize she has wounds, it's just a matter of are you willing to be there with her to help them heal.

[Friskyone4u]

Jurassic,

 

This has NOTHING to do right now with a final decision to divorce or reconcile. What is has to do with is INSURING that you are out of infidelity first.

 

So the question for you is

(1) were you pleased with having to threaten her before she would pick up the phone and call OM??? Before you did that, it was " I'll do it but not now"

(2) were you comfortable and convinced she was bawling her eyes out over what she had done to you when she was on the phone with him??? You heard the tone and conversation, not us??

(3) do you believe that YOU telling him not to bother her any more made any difference???? he called her the next day and she took the call instead of hanging up.

(4) do you believe she is to be trusted after less than a week ago she was on her way to see him.

 

What some of us are saying, and we are being lumped into a "divorce" column, is that it is not really smart to totally immediately believe everything she says right now. That did not work out too great before.

 

And divorce or reconciliation whatever, you really think its productive for you immediately here to start right out blaming yourself for what occurred. ????

 

Youve had, if she is telling the truth, four days of forced no contact. by forced i mean she was made to realize she was not going to have a husband and a boyfriend. If anything thinks its not OK to forcefully make that clear by any means necessary, i beg to differ.

 

Most folks would agree with the 'ACTIONS OVER TIME, and not what she said. So far you've had a few positive things over 96 hours. is that enough?? This ain't a sprint.

 

You can reconcile if you want to. Many do from worse. But the track record of those that just totally accept what she has done so far as meaning she is totally on board is not great. You have a lot more "trusting but verifying " to do if you are smrt.

[BluesPower]

Move forward with the divorce until she proves herself? What is your end goal in this? Seems like you are pushing this threat of divorce to put her on the track that you think is right.. You can't use threats to get someone to do what you want or use it as a punishment.

 

What will work? Showing confidence without the use of threats. She got your message loud and clear. IMO back off from the divorce and threats of divorce. Go to marriage counseling and find counseling for yourself. Look at it as a weed, you need to pull the weed out by the root (find the root of the issue) otherwise just dealing with the affair itself is like pulling a few leaves off, in which it will grow back.

 

Also take a deep look into yourself on how you contributed to her feeling pushed away. No, the affair is not your fault or an excuse for her to do it, but no one is perfect and you can always improve yourself. When she talks, listen. Don't defend. If she said she wasn't feeling loved, accept it as her answer. She is not property. She needs to feel loved just like you and the kids do.

 

When my ex-fiancée cheated the year we were suppose to get married, I blamed her for about a year, until I started doing some soul searching. It hurt but I was able to realize that I did wrong in that relationship as well. Realize she has wounds, it's just a matter of are you willing to be there with her to help them heal.

 

It is never ever the BS that is responsible for the WS's affair, never. You are not and OP is not.

 

It was her choice to cheat and rub her husbands nose in it.

 

And, he should absolutely keep the threat of divorce going until he has time to make a decision and measure her behavior.

 

That "Threat" if you will is a consequence of her behavior and choices.

 

Stay the course OP...

[usa1ah]

"How do I know she's not doing that to me? She keeps saying she loves me and she's sorry. Told me she thought she loved him but the thought of losing me made her realize she never did and me and the kids mean everything to her."

 

You don't. The thing is, look at the way she was before you blew her world up. There is no way she could have done that to you if she was still in love with you. She was cheating on you right in front of your face. DO NOT FOR GET THIS ANY TIME SOON. Even if you R, make her move out to give you space. You need time to heal and regroup before you do anything. If you R or D. You need to regroup, and you won't be able to with her there all the time.

 

I believe she was scared of change and she thought she could do this and you would have begged her to stay. She never thought you would D. She thought you were a weak push over and she treated you as such.

 

Do you really want to stay with this type of person? Would you have married her if she had done this before you married? Then why now?

 

Just curious, what did she do for her bachelorette party? Do you know.

[Jurassic12]

I realize there's worse things than getting divorced from the woman I love. It's just I can't throw it all away without trying atleast. When we first got together we barely had any money and struggled a lot. She was always my motivation to do better. Every morning I would literally wake up to her smile because we never went to bed mad at each other. I have invested too much time into our life together and I can't atleast try to fix this. She needs to put in more effort than me since she caused this which she has been doing.

 

There were some signs, I know she was frustrated with my work schedule and told me she would prefer if I was home more. My wife is Greek and her parents wanted to marry her to some rich Greek guy, they picked out some rich guy to meet and he wanted to marry her but she told them she loved me. Her parents really didn't like me at first, but she always defended me and has literally been my motivation along with our kids for all these years. It's so tough to do. In private she would often tell me how lucky she is to be married to her best friend. Told me how she can't wait to see our grandkids future vacations and spend all this time together.

 

The thought of not having her in my life everyday scares me, but it's not the worst thing in the world. NC is still going on, I have access to everything of hers and she suggested I gps track her phone so she doesn't make me paranoid when I'm at work.

 

She has said she is resentful and jealous of me. Since I'm out working and I enjoy my job and she works at home, also has become resentful of my work hours which I'm going to start working on. Told me she went horribly far and always tried to justify her actions to herself in private.

 

The thing is she can just leave me, her family is kind of wealthy and our jobs make the same amount of money basically. Told me she would never leave me for this guy or any other guy ever. Words are words, I need actions.

Edited March 12, 2017 by Jurassic12

[S2B]

Sooooo, you now know she doesn't intend to leave you but intends to stay and cheat if you don't start changing?

 

Stop taking the blame for her inadequate moral compass.

 

She's broken. You can't fix it FOR her.

 

 

She will cheat again without severe consequences.

 

She knows you're weak - another reason why she will cheat again.

 

 

Expose to all family.

[Jurassic12]

I told her family and she told my parents voluntarily. She told them I was hurting and could use their support because she was having an online affair. She told them she would like their help so we can get through this together. I think you're right about the broken part. She called herself a broken women who hurt her husband because she's so selfish.

 

Also I wouldn't call myself weak. I think I did bad in the beginning but have been handling this well since I did the actions I said I was going to do.

[S2B]

As long as she's still broken and selfish there's no reason to stay with her.

 

FIRST she needs to seek professional help to learn how to become unselfish and not broken as a woman.

 

At this point you're still with a broken and selfish gal - why should you find that acceptable to stay with her?

 

It could take a few years for her to begin changing. You willing to endure 2years or more of her predictable selfish nature?

[Friskyone4u]

I realize there's worse things than getting divorced from the woman I love. It's just I can't throw it all away without trying atleast. When we first got together we barely had any money and struggled a lot. She was always my motivation to do better. Every morning I would literally wake up to her smile because we never went to bed mad at each other. I have invested too much time into our life together and I can't atleast try to fix this. She needs to put in more effort than me since she caused this which she has been doing.

 

There were some signs, I know she was frustrated with my work schedule and told me she would prefer if I was home more. My wife is Greek and her parents wanted to marry her to some rich Greek guy, they picked out some rich guy to meet and he wanted to marry her but she told them she loved me. Her parents really didn't like me at first, but she always defended me and has literally been my motivation along with our kids for all these years. It's so tough to do. In private she would often tell me how lucky she is to be married to her best friend. Told me how she can't wait to see our grandkids future vacations and spend all this time together.

 

The thought of not having her in my life everyday scares me, but it's not the worst thing in the world. NC is still going on, I have access to everything of hers and she suggested I gps track her phone so she doesn't make me paranoid when I'm at work.

 

She has said she is resentful and jealous of me. Since I'm out working and I enjoy my job and she works at home, also has become resentful of my work hours which I'm going to start working on. Told me she went horribly far and always tried to justify her actions to herself in private.

 

The thing is she can just leave me, her family is kind of wealthy and our jobs make the same amount of money basically. Told me she would never leave me for this guy or any other guy ever. Words are words, I need actions.

 

Jurassic,

 

Nothing wrong with trying to see if you can make it work, but your last sentence is perfect. You need actions, not words.

 

So its good she has voluntarily (right?) given you access to electronics, or has she?? Check with your provider and see if they tell you that deleted texts will or will not show on the bill, which I hope you have access to.

But KIK, SNAP CHAT, etc, will not show on the bill or computer of phone. So the big question is HOW DO YOU VERIFY NC?????? Believe herand everything she says???

 

Have you given her specific expectations on what you expect if and when he comes "fishing" again???? You need to do that. I am hoping you have listened and changed her phone number so he cannot use someone elses phone to reach out to her.

 

The GPS offer is fine but if she is working at home all day in front of a computer, there is only one way you are going to verify NC and that is with a polygraph, which she should be glad to take if she has nothing to hide. Jurassic, you are not in a court of law so the crap about them not being used in a court of law is meaningless. Law enforcement and the most secure government agencies as well as the largest corporations in America use them and the damm matching is more reliable than her words at this point.

 

Now lets move to therapy. This resentment of your work hours is a bull **** reason and excuse. If she owns her ****, she would tell you she loved the ego kibbles and did it because she wanted to. She makes as much as you so she should not resent your success, and stop blaming yourself for any of this mess.

 

You should not send her to IC. You need to hear with your own words what she says and what her story is. You send her to IC and next thing you know she will tell you her therapist says you should just let it go and move on and that she should not tell you if she brakes NC because it will only hurt you more. If you do not think that is possible you need to read some more stories here, as well as in IC a revision of your marital history will go unchallenged.

 

Jurassic, so of these therapists do not look at infidelity as a real problem. There is one of these loons named Esther Perel , who would tell you that if she is a bgreat wife and mother that she is entitled to a little private time with other men and even a side piece and you should not let it interfere with your relationship.

 

We all know your wife was not going to leave you. She just wanted some fun and unfortunately for her you caught her. Leaving you was not going to happen, especially for some guy in Moms basement.

 

And forget about the fact that her parents have some money. You really want that used as a lever against you so that you put up with anything because she does not have to stay???

 

You have just seen how easy it is for a woman to start and plan to consummate an affair online. She can go to a plethora of websites and in minutes be sending her photos out again to other men. As long as she actually believes it will end her marriage, it lessens the chance of it happening again. But if you don't hold her accountable for a long time now, then there have been no consequences.

 

You want to try to R, goods for you. Go for it. But she does all the heavy lifting. And see how long it lasts before you make any final decisions.

 

You are where you are right now because you stood up for yourself and drew the line in the sand. That is what is meant having to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it.

 

Every time you waver, go read your first posts and ask yourself where you would have been if you had not found this site and taken the advice that almost all of us have given you. That advice is not to R or D but to stop the infidelity regardless of the result.

[Mr Blunt]

Jurassic

First I want to say that you performed very well these last several weeks! Your ACTIONS produced results. CONGRADULATIONS!

 

I know that you are very hurt and want to reconcile with your wife but you also realized the great damage that your wife willfully choose to do. You seemed to have helped knock her out of her fantasy fog somewhat. She is saying a lot of things that if true is a good sign that she is moving away from her weaknesses and selfishness.

 

If you are going to continue to R then I suggest the following:

 

 

1 Go through with the divorce. The divorce will not finalize for months and you can cancel it anytime or decide to finalize in the future if you are convinced enough that is best for you and the children.

 

 

2 Do not do the divorce out of hatred or revenge but because she has to face the consequences of the horrible pain she has inflicted on you and your children. The pain of the divorce will be a barrier to help prevent her from slipping back into her fantasy-fog world. Other consequences can also help keep her from betrayal.

 

3 The divorce will also help to protect you in some ways and give you some legal grounds for the assets and child custody.

 

 

4 If your wife is going to live up to her words then she MUST get all kinds of help, professional and otherwise (family, church, etc) to get rid of her resentments and jealousy. She also needs to learn that she was an easy target and a very weak woman. She was trading her commitment, loyalty, and integrity to her family for cheap words from a divorced man that lives with his mommy and knew how to flatter a weak woman so that he could get want he wanted. She betrayed her family so that she could get her selfish ego stroked;she has lowered her character considerably!

 

5 Jurassic, even though you have been helped by this forum, you also need to get all the help that you can because you have been wounded deeply and it is not going away in a few months. You cannot get a LOT better with just you trying harder by yourself. You need a lot of you being built up because she has torn you down a LOT!

 

 

Jurassic, you said “Words are words, I need actions.”. Those are VERY WISE words that will only benefit you if the ACTIONS TAKE PLACE FOR A LONG TIME

[MickeyBill]

Actions are needed more than words. There are plenty of words.

If it seems like there is hope for you two and her recent EA and attempted PA are something you both can work through it may time for YOU to step up and take the lead.

Maybe she is unsure which way to go and how to get there, she may need some guidance from you. She may WANT to become a better wife that you can trust but needs to follow your lead.

Many will say it's all up to her to do the hard work, the heavy lifting, and I agree with most of that but if the two of you could provide a roadmap out of Infidelityville it may help her get going as she sounds like someone who can be influenced by others, use that to your advantage.

 

When did she say she resents you?

Edited March 12, 2017 by MickeyBill

[merrmeade]

I told her family and she told my parents voluntarily. She told them I was hurting and could use their support because she was having an online affair. She told them she would like their help so we can get through this together. I think you're right about the broken part. She called herself a broken women who hurt her husband because she's so selfish.

 

Also I wouldn't call myself weak. I think I did bad in the beginning but have been handling this well since I did the actions I said I was going to do.

Good for you, Jurassic. I'm proud of you and confident you'll be fine. This response and the one before are the responses of an autonomous, loving man, who knows himself (and doesn't need to prove it to others).

 

No, you're not weak, and you can't be goaded into a knee-jerk reaction or your feelings manipulated. You're able to assess the situation rationally, without deluding yourself.

 

I really liked what Mr. Blunt told you. Kind of like last words of guidance. I'm not running you off, Jurassic, but that's pretty good for final words of advice.

[road]

I realize there's worse things than getting divorced from the woman I love. It's just I can't throw it all away without trying atleast. When we first got together we barely had any money and struggled a lot. She was always my motivation to do better. Every morning I would literally wake up to her smile because we never went to bed mad at each other. I have invested too much time into our life together and I can't atleast try to fix this. She needs to put in more effort than me since she caused this which she has been doing.

 

There were some signs, I know she was frustrated with my work schedule and told me she would prefer if I was home more. My wife is Greek and her parents wanted to marry her to some rich Greek guy, they picked out some rich guy to meet and he wanted to marry her but she told them she loved me. Her parents really didn't like me at first, but she always defended me and has literally been my motivation along with our kids for all these years. It's so tough to do. In private she would often tell me how lucky she is to be married to her best friend. Told me how she can't wait to see our grandkids future vacations and spend all this time together.

 

The thought of not having her in my life everyday scares me, but it's not the worst thing in the world. NC is still going on, I have access to everything of hers and she suggested I gps track her phone so she doesn't make me paranoid when I'm at work.

 

She has said she is resentful and jealous of me. Since I'm out working and I enjoy my job and she works at home, also has become resentful of my work hours which I'm going to start working on. Told me she went horribly far and always tried to justify her actions to herself in private.

 

The thing is she can just leave me, her family is kind of wealthy and our jobs make the same amount of money basically. Told me she would never leave me for this guy or any other guy ever. Words are words, I need actions.

 

Actions are her living an open book, giving over all passwords, all online accounts, phone bill, gps her car and her phone.

 

 

All these things are done to prove that the affair is over, NC is in place and not being broken, that WW is no longer lying and is where she say's she is.

This is how the broken trust is repaired and a marriage recovers.

 

 

When a WW does these things it is a good indication that recovery will be

successful.

 

 

Now why recover?

 

 

You were not wanting to divorce your WW. You did not want her to leave the marriage. Then add the longer two are together the more shared history makes it harder to split up. So weighing all the +'s and -'s the

BH decides if he thinks his life will be better with WW or without WW.

Then the BH decides his course.

[deadsoul]

I realize there's worse things than getting divorced from the woman I love. It's just I can't throw it all away without trying atleast. When we first got together we barely had any money and struggled a lot. She was always my motivation to do better. Every morning I would literally wake up to her smile because we never went to bed mad at each other. I have invested too much time into our life together and I can't atleast try to fix this. She needs to put in more effort than me since she caused this which she has been doing.

 

There were some signs, I know she was frustrated with my work schedule and told me she would prefer if I was home more. My wife is Greek and her parents wanted to marry her to some rich Greek guy, they picked out some rich guy to meet and he wanted to marry her but she told them she loved me. Her parents really didn't like me at first, but she always defended me and has literally been my motivation along with our kids for all these years. It's so tough to do. In private she would often tell me how lucky she is to be married to her best friend. Told me how she can't wait to see our grandkids future vacations and spend all this time together.

 

The thought of not having her in my life everyday scares me, but it's not the worst thing in the world. NC is still going on, I have access to everything of hers and she suggested I gps track her phone so she doesn't make me paranoid when I'm at work.

 

She has said she is resentful and jealous of me. Since I'm out working and I enjoy my job and she works at home, also has become resentful of my work hours which I'm going to start working on. Told me she went horribly far and always tried to justify her actions to herself in private.

 

The thing is she can just leave me, her family is kind of wealthy and our jobs make the same amount of money basically. Told me she would never leave me for this guy or any other guy ever. Words are words, I need actions.

 

I admire you Jurassic. Especially the part about not having her in your life scares me, but it's not the worst thing. That shows that you know you will be okay without her. As long as her actions show you she wants the same things, I think you guys have a strong chance of surviving this. If her actions show otherwise, then you know what you have to do to protect yourself and your children.

[HangnTN]

This is a bit simplistic, but accurate and spot on in your case Jurassic

 

The Sunk Cost Fallacy

 

The Misconception: You make rational decisions based on the future value of objects, investments and experiences.

The Truth: Your decisions are tainted by the emotional investments you accumulate, and the more you invest in something the harder it becomes to abandon it.

 

 

Sunk costs are a favorite subject of economists. Simply put, they are payments or investments which can never be recovered. An android with fully functioning logic circuits would never make a decision which took sunk costs into account, but you would. As an emotional human, your aversion to loss often leads you right into the sunk cost fallacy.

[JamesM]

Actions are her living an open book, giving over all passwords, all online accounts, phone bill, gps her car and her phone.

 

 

All these things are done to prove that the affair is over, NC is in place and not being broken, that WW is no longer lying and is where she say's she is.

This is how the broken trust is repaired and a marriage recovers.

 

 

When a WW does these things it is a good indication that recovery will be

successful.

 

 

Now why recover?

 

 

You were not wanting to divorce your WW. You did not want her to leave the marriage. Then add the longer two are together the more shared history makes it harder to split up. So weighing all the +'s and -'s the

BH decides if he thinks his life will be better with WW or without WW.

Then the BH decides his course.

 

This.

 

It sounds and looks like she is wanting to reconcile. You do too. Work towards that end. Anything that you may do which detracts from that will simply hurt you.

 

Again, since you both seem to have decided to reconcile and both seem to be all in, ask yourself: is what we are doing good for US? If it is, then do it. If it could tear you apart, then don't.