Shall I still confess when husband doesn't know ?

[S2B]

Stop "feeling" guilt and shame and start being honest.

 

Your husband has every right to know who you really are.

 

 

That guilt is just your easy way of seeking sympathy.

[GoldenR]

Teased at school over parents splitting up? Sorry, but this isn't 1975. Soooooo many kids live with just one parent now that it's normal to kids.

[QuietDan]

Is the plan to try to implement a one sided fix to your marriage problems until your conscience is clear in a year or two or until you get burned out because, since your husband will be clueless about the problems, he's never going to be able to get it and work on the right issues. Or will be misinterpreting the problems and reacting in ways that might make problems worse.

Are you going to be able to fix the sexual problems snd hang ups that you two are probably going to experience on your own? or, do you plan on ignoring them untill ta

That part of the relationship is all but destroyed and your husband resorts to cheating or divorce? most waywards seem to end up with a lot of sexual disfunction issues in the marriage without appropriate councelling. With any luck, you might be able to make your husband miserable enouph to divorce you for his personal issues and then he will look like the bad guy.

[Friskyone4u]

Confusing,

 

Its clear you are not going to confess. Thats OK. You are playing Russian roulette and the odds probably do say you may win.

Your big question is if you can go to your grave with this and only time will tell that.

[Mr. Lucky]

But of course, anything is possible. However, the main thing I'm concerned about is not how my husband will find it out or how others would tell him. It's the guilty and shame I'm dealing with.

 

There's only one person who can offer you forgiveness for that. Or not.

 

And only one way to find out.

 

So you can spend the rest of your marriage feeling the way you do now. Or not.

 

Some people here feel you're getting off easy if you don't confess. I don't agree. Good people tend to be especially hard on themselves when they know they've done something terribly wrong. Having painted yourself into this corner, you're looking for the best choice. Might be time to consider the least worst...

 

Mr. Lucky

[DKT3]

Over in the divorce section there is a thread where the wife had several affairs, kept them from her husband and two decades later she is miserable.

 

Not confessing forces you to maintain some emotional distance for fear of being found out. Two decades of being unhappy and void of a real emotional connection, sadly she doesn't seem to understand why.

[GoldenR]

True. And during the A, I wasn't thinking of the kids or husband at all.

 

But is it still better to let them know NOW ? - I cannot change the past anymore - it happened - and I'm very sorry - and I'm trying to be a better person.

 

The husband might have his right to make a choice, but how about the kids ? Am I giving the kids' right of being with mommy or daddy to my husband totally ? I'm still the mother to them, no matter how bad I am, they still need me. Is it really better to let their classmates call them bad names instead of not letting them know ?

 

Sounds like I'm making excuses for myself, true, I'm trying to avoid any consequences I will have to deal with, i want to take the easy way.

However, I do think about husband and kids now, if my husband finds out, the same consequences to me as now. I don't think my husband would want to reconcile even if I tell him now.

 

And if he finds out 5 years later, he will probably be madder, but it's only IF it happened after 5 years he would say it, I don't believe he would think "She confesses, so I should focus on reconciling with her." NO, this chance is very low. Only thing he can think about when he knows he was cheated on was the affair and the anger he gets.

 

During these 6 months, I have felt so safe in family. The pain I got from the A, has made me not want to get involved in any other men, never, ever again ! So I can say, no I will not cheat anymore.

 

OP, You obviously have your mind made up to not tell your H and you've rationalized it as protecting the kids; forget the fact that you couldn't have cared less about how they'd feel knowing about what you were doing. But all of a sudden, now, you care about their well being.

 

As a BH, I can tell you that I still to this day can't get past the fact that I spent a year with my now xWW while she was in an A. That's a year wasted with someone who was supposed to love only me, yet she didn't give a rats ass about me during that time (regardless of what she says about that). While I'm civil with her , I'll never be her friend. However, had she hid it from me and I found out years later and realized that I had wasted 5, 10, 20 years with someone that has cheated on me, I would spend the rest of my life trying to make her miserable. I know that sounds harsh, but it's also the truth.

 

I know that I'm less forgiving than others when it comes to this, but still, my point is, the longer it is before he finds out, the worse it will be.

[fenix]

OP... so you are going to keep the secret and infantilize your husband (taking decisions on his behalf and for his better good) to protect your children... You didn't care to protect your children when you were banging the OM but now you feel the urge to protect them from the decisions that your husband could make if he would know about your affair? Do you really think your husband is the one your children need protection from? You don't know right from wrong anymore, if I would be you I would doubt my capabilities to take such a big decision... you have have made all the wrong choices that have brought you here ... do you really think the next wrong decision will bring you any further?

You screwed up big time, now own it and begin to solve your life and try to salvage what you can by being a new honest person, a better person.

 

If you keep being the person who betrayed your husband and keep betraying him (yes , not telling him is also a betrayal)... you are still hurting not only your husband but also your chidren because you all are living in a pantomime...

[Nightstick008]

I'm not judging you. You did what you did for your own reasons. I had two different marriages. Both ended after I found out she had an affair. First wife was naughty. She had several. Second wife had two.

 

Crazy part is I'm all about the romance. I love the cuddles but I love the sex. It's my thing. I enjoyed giving my partner pleasure.

 

Now this is coming from a mans point of view. Problem is that's not why woman cheat on their man.

 

Once I found out they had cheated on me I was distraught for a significant amount of time. I had depression with no trust in them. Matter of fact I'm still having issues with trust. I don't cheat. I believe in honesty.

 

You will need to go deep into your heart and ask yourself what you would want if the shoe was on the opposite foot. Sometimes the lie to live is better than the hurt it will give. Just know it'll be over if the truth comes out. The truth eventually always comes out.

[Bittersweetie]

I just posted a response to a similar thread on the OW board yesterday.

 

As a fWW who confessed, I have to say that I don't believe our marriage would be as healthy as it is right now if I hadn't confessed and laid it all on the line. I gave my H the truth and allowed him to choose what he wanted to do with his life. He told me that if had known about my A, there was a big decision he would've made differently. I took away the truth of his own life and that is a horrible thing to do to a person who trusts you.

 

It's like building a house on top of a broken foundation. The house will never be solid...your marriage will probably never be solid with such a secret between you both.

 

It is up to you whether to confess or not. But look at this way: your husband is leading a life that is untrue. He is making decisions based on a reality that you are manipulating. Is that fair to him?

[Confused48]

Fascinating thread. I read it all. I won't tell you to tell him or to keep it secret. My only comment is on this statement:

 

 

However, I do think about husband and kids now, if my husband finds out, the same consequences to me as now. I don't think my husband would want to reconcile even if I tell him now.

 

And if he finds out 5 years later, he will probably be madder, but it's only IF it happened after 5 years he would say it, I don't believe he would think "She confesses, so I should focus on reconciling with her." NO, this chance is very low. Only thing he can think about when he knows he was cheated on was the affair and the anger he gets.

 

 

You would be surprised what happens when the truth is told or discovered. There are plenty of stories here of unfaithful people who thought they knew how their BH or BW would respond and were shocked to find out it unfolded differently. Tons of stories of the BH's and WW's who thought they knew what they would do and then the opposite happens.

 

In my case there was suspicion on my part for a long time before Dday. I have a very bad temper. My WS suspected that if I caught WS cheating, I would be giving hell to WS like nothing before on earth. I was sure I would instantly leave WS if my suspicious proved true. I was 100% sure. I KNEW I would NEVER stay with a cheater.

 

On Dday I was quiet as a crushed child. I was unprepared for the transformation of my being brought on by this great pain. Pain that haunts me to this day. But I can tell you neither I nor my WS saw attempted reconciliation as a possible result. So don't assume you can know for sure either.

[fenix]

So you and your husband are limping along in a damaged sailboat. You have repaired the mast, its not leaking any longer and you are both sitting mending the sails and doing a bit of paintwork.

You both think in a while, it could again be a nice little boat.

 

BUT everyone around tells you just blow it up it will never be right, it will always be damaged, blow it up and get a new one.

So one day you go out and blow it up. Your husband is distraught and tries to salvage what he can. He doesn't want a new boat he wants the old one.

But the old one is in bits and the bits are all floating off in the current. He and you manage to salvage a few bits and you start to put them together.

The new boat is out of your reach but the old one is now years away from being fixed. Instead of working happily together to fix the boat your husband now blames YOU as you decided to blow up the old one...

 

So instead of being 90% there with the chances of 100% repair being high, you are now in boat that NEEDS 90% repairs and may never again be 100% as some bits were completely ruined in the explosion...

 

The old boat can't be repaired without her husband knowing that is broken.

Your analogy doesn't work because her husband doesn't know the actual damage that the boat really has so he can't take a decision if he wants to do the work to repair the broken old boat or if he prefer a new boat.

The only thing that you are advising OP to do is to hide from her husband the fact that the boat is broken (the mast was not repaired, the broken part has been covered and it looks good to the outside but the mast is still broken and without a serious repair is still licking and slowly sinking)... when he finds out that the mast is broken the boat may not be repairable anymore because the mast is completely broken (maybe it could have been repaired or maybe now if she would have warned her husband) but now both may sink with it...

Her husband will be even more angry because she allowed him to navigate in a broken boat with all the risks that come from it and she not only didn't tell him that the boat was broken but covered it up to make it look good. Adding insult to the injury...

If he never finds out, they will still be navigating in a boat that is broken, he may never know that but she will always know and that will always condition the travels they will make together with that boat... she knows is broken so how far deep in the sea will she dare to go with a broken mast?

 

Working together to solve an issue means that both parts need to be equal in knowledge of the severity of the issue...

Edited March 1, 2017 by fenix

[drifter777]

I just posted a response to a similar thread on the OW board yesterday.

 

As a fWW who confessed, I have to say that I don't believe our marriage would be as healthy as it is right now if I hadn't confessed and laid it all on the line. I gave my H the truth and allowed him to choose what he wanted to do with his life. He told me that if had known about my A, there was a big decision he would've made differently. I took away the truth of his own life and that is a horrible thing to do to a person who trusts you.

 

This is confusing - what do you mean "if (he) had known about my A"?

 

You say your marriage wouldn't be as healthy had you not confessed. Do you mean you would have kept up the affair or started another one? If you decided to end the affair, not tell him about it, and then do the things you did to rededicate yourself to your marriage that anything today would be any different?

 

How long has it been since your d-day? I ask because things may seem just great right now but your BH could be compartmentalizing and rug-sweeping his emotions and the real consequences are yet to be realized. You would never know if your husband is simply avoiding his emotions and is, in reality, a ticking time-bomb. He will never acknowledge it until he is ready to explode. Or maybe he's processed everything relating to your A and it is all resolved in his mind. My question for all WW's who have reconciled is "how do you know what's in his heart?"

[central]

I think that it is usually best to confess, and let the chips fall where they may, depending on whether reconciliation is possible for your spouse. If you're sure it isn't, then there isn't much incentive to confess, unless you're also willing to let the marriage fall apart upon confessing. Of course, if you can't bear the guilt - if you feel any - then you may have no option but to confess. I am certain that many people do handle the guilt - or feel little to none - yet still move on with their marriage and may even make it better. Statistics indicate that over 80% of men are never found out, and over 90% or women are never found out. That's a lot of cheating that goes undetected - but no one knows what the long term outcome is for those marriages.

 

 

Everyone is different. You have to look to your own feelings and what you know about your spouse, to decide what's best.

 

 

As for us, we have never cheated on any partner, but have discussed our take on this. We agree that if either of us ever does, and gets away with it, we will not tell the other, and do not want to know. Often - we think - cheaters confess to relieve their own guilt, but that places the burden of pain mostly on the spouse. Neither of us wants that pain placed on us, so we'd rather not know.

 

 

My own view is that if I found out anyway, we'd be done, with no reconciliation. Since we have an open relationship, there is really no need or excuse for cheating - being open about any desires and plans to have sex with someone else negates that need. Still, there can be scenarios where it could still happen, but it's extremely unlikely either of us would take that risk when almost always approval can be had merely for asking.