Shall I still confess when husband doesn't know ?

[usa1ah]

If you don't tell, I really wish he finds out on his own.

 

Sorry, but guys that choose to to stick their head in the sand are lacking somewhere in MHO.

 

Life is full of happiness, pain and sorrow. This is what makes us who we are.

 

You broke you marriage vows. In other words you have broken your contract with your husband and he has the right not to be with you any longer if he chooses. You made your choice to betray and cheat on your husband. He deserves to make the choice if he wants to stay or not.

 

And no, poeple do not cheat because of fights is a relationship. They cheat because the have loose morals and a weak character. You have in a way said this already. You have improved with all the reading and soul searching you have done. How in the world do you expect to stay content with your H now, he has not gone through his trial by fire like you have.

 

Last point. Instead of trying to fix his own marriage, if the POS had asked you to would you have left your husband?

[wmacbride]

op,

I understand why not telling your bs that you cheated may sound like the safest option, but in a lot of ways, it isn't.

 

You will never know for 100 percent sure that your husband won't find out, and if e does, your marriage is at a far greater risk than it would be if he found out from you.

 

If he finds out from some other way, he will likely never, ever be able to trust you again. Every time he looks at you, he may wonder what else you are hiding, and all the gd work you've done will be tainted He may well see it is you just doing it out of guilt, with little or no love behind it.

 

He may well feel like he can't trust any of your actions or words, as if you were able to hide the A so successfully, he may wonder what else you've been hiding, how many other men you've seen behind his back, etc.. Any words or assurances you give him won't matter, because he trusted you once and look what you did and then how you lied to his face ( even if just by omission) afterwards.

 

You know yourself, and you know the type of person you are. You can choose to live a lie and spend the rest of your life ( and his) like Damacles, always waiting for the sword to fall, or you can be honest and give both you and your H the knowledge you both need to make informed decisions about your life. Right now, your H doesn't love you, he loves a lie. I say this not because I think you are a terrible person, but because he loves you not knowing everything about you, and the ability to have had an affair is a pretty big personality trait.

 

 

One more thing. From what you say, you are working really hard to figure out why you cheated and you are also putting in a lot of effort to be the best wife you can be. That's wonderful and very commendable, but if your bh finds out about the A form any other source but you, none of that will matter. At least if he knows the truth and sees all the hard work you are doing, he will see concrete proof of remorse and a desire to never cheat again.

[QuietDan]

It sounds like your marriage had a lot of problems before the affair.

The affair has added new problems and issues to the marriage.

Successfully solving problems and dealing with negative issues when both people have all of the facts and can agree on them is often challenging and difficult. When someone is missing major details, facts, and information, successfully solving problems becomes almost impossible.

[elaine567]

So you and your husband are limping along in a damaged sailboat. You have repaired the mast, its not leaking any longer and you are both sitting mending the sails and doing a bit of paintwork.

You both think in a while, it could again be a nice little boat.

 

BUT everyone around tells you just blow it up it will never be right, it will always be damaged, blow it up and get a new one.

So one day you go out and blow it up. Your husband is distraught and tries to salvage what he can. He doesn't want a new boat he wants the old one.

But the old one is in bits and the bits are all floating off in the current. He and you manage to salvage a few bits and you start to put them together.

The new boat is out of your reach but the old one is now years away from being fixed. Instead of working happily together to fix the boat your husband now blames YOU as you decided to blow up the old one...

 

So instead of being 90% there with the chances of 100% repair being high, you are now in boat that NEEDS 90% repairs and may never again be 100% as some bits were completely ruined in the explosion...

[deadsoul]

This isn't about relieving your guilt or his.

 

You haven't really "owned" anything as this act is entirely not magnanimous in the slightest. Sort of like robbing a bank, spending the money then feeling guilty about it but hey you feel guilty and you've owned up to yourself that you feel guilty so everything is ok.

 

Yes you will have to look at your husband's face and see his pain, then if you're truly sorry and you've truly owned it then you will help him understand why you did what you did and show him that you are now the better person you profess to be.

 

You own to being selfish during the affair but not selfish for withholding truths that deny a human being the freedom of choice to determine the outcome of their life?

 

A tad bizarre, but if you see yourself and keep telling yourself you're some sort of hero, best of luck to you.

 

I'm really confused by this comment. I'm not the OP, are you mixing me up with her?

 

Just because I feel guilty does not make everything okay. Did I say it did?

 

Did I ever say I'm some sort of hero? If I did, I missed it.

 

Again, I think you are confusing me with the OP, but in case you aren't, I felt I needed to let you know I do not have hero status at all. My super powers have been broken into pieces these days.

[Mrs. John Adams]

So you and your husband are limping along in a damaged sailboat. You have repaired the mast, its not leaking any longer and you are both sitting mending the sails and doing a bit of paintwork.

You both think in a while, it could again be a nice little boat.

 

BUT everyone around tells you just blow it up it will never be right, it will always be damaged, blow it up and get a new one.

So one day you go out and blow it up. Your husband is distraught and tries to salvage what he can. He doesn't want a new boat he wants the old one.

But the old one is in bits and the bits are all floating off in the current. He and you manage to salvage a few bits and you start to put them together.

The new boat is out of your reach but the old one is now years away from being fixed. Instead of working happily together to fix the boat your husband now blames YOU as you decided to blow up the old one...

 

So instead of being 90% there with the chances of 100% repair being high, you are now in boat that NEEDS 90% repairs and may never again be 100% as some bits were completely ruined in the explosion...

 

The damage caused to the boat will never be repaired...because she knows what she did....her AP knows what she did...and his wife knows what she did. She will forever look over her shoulder and run from it....and if in the future...someone does tell her husband...her chances to repair the damage are insurmountable.

 

Honestly...she could be damned if she does and damned if she doesn't. She has to decide for herself...what kind of person she wants to be....one that is accountable for her actions...or one who continues to live in a lie.

 

But either way...she has already damaged the boat...and that is a fact she can never change.

 

Can she repair the damage? yes She has cracked the hull...and sometimes in order to glue two pieces back together....the crack has to be cleaned out and the edges roughed up in order for the glue to hold.

 

The choice is hers...how does she want to fix the boat?

[spanz1]

if i were you, i would resolve to NEVER cheat again, maybe get some therapy, and TAKE IT TO THE GRAVE WITH ME.

 

I have a hunch a lot of cheaters tell their spouse to get it off of their chests and feel good, AT THE EXPENSE of their poor spouse who will be devastated for life. If your penance is to be looking over your shoulder the rest of your life, so be it.

[elaine567]

if i were you, i would resolve to NEVER cheat again, maybe get some therapy, and TAKE IT TO THE GRAVE WITH ME.

 

I have a hunch a lot of cheaters tell their spouse to get it off of their chests and feel good, AT THE EXPENSE of their poor spouse who will be devastated for life. If your penance is to be looking over your shoulder the rest of your life, so be it.

 

Yes, it may not only affect him in this relationship, it may affect every relationship from here on thereafter.

People are on here talking about cheating that occurred 30+ years ago and it still affects them deeply.

How much better had they never known about it and could have lived happier lives?

If a cheater is determined never to repeat the experience and determined to actively work on the relationship and is std clear, then it is better to keep their mouth closed. I don't see it as "love" to rip someone's life apart and make children live through unhappy marriages and go through divorces, when silence would have been more sensible and appropriate.

[Midwestmissy]

The damage done by the bh finding out later and by another means other than his wife will be worse than her telling him soon, herself.

 

People find out about affairs at their spouses funerals and it negates the whole marriage. It's beyond cruel and arrogant to believe that ugly things pushed under rugs don't rot and emerge. The only thing she's in control of is telling him the truth. She can't control the mm or the other bw. Things may be festering under their rugs too.

 

Live authentically.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm not ready to deal with the aftermath of being uncovered. All friends, neighbors and family members like me. It just seems to be impossible to deal with their disappointment.

I don't want to pour the endless pain to my husband, believe me or not, as me and my husband are rekindling, I don't want to hurt his feelings.

 

Aren't these reasons not to cheat as opposed to reasons not to tell ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mrs. John Adams]

Yes, it may not only affect him in this relationship, it may affect every relationship from here on thereafter.

People are on here talking about cheating that occurred 30+ years ago and it still affects them deeply.

How much better had they never known about it and could have lived happier lives?

If a cheater is determined never to repeat the experience and determined to actively work on the relationship and is std clear, then it is better to keep their mouth closed. I don't see it as "love" to rip someone's life apart and make children live through unhappy marriages and go through divorces, when silence would have been more sensible and appropriate.

 

Yes..infidelity will forever effect us....but it doesn't cripple us or ruin our lives. We are very happy. We have 5 beautiful grandchildren and we have traveled the world....we love each other deeply....and while we will forever carry the scar of infidelity...it does not define who we are individually or as a couple.

 

I am willing to bet that people who been divorced are forever affected by that as well. Or people that were injured in a car wreck...or who suffered the death of a loved one or who had to file bankruptcy. Every life experience affects who we are....and makes us who we are.

 

I really don't care whether this young lady tells her husband or not...it has no affect on me whatsoever. She asked a question...and i have stated my opinion based on my own life experience. I have clearly said many times...what is right for me may not be right for someone else. But I have walked the path she is on.

 

Your opinion is just as valuable as mine....but i never come here and personally question you and your situation...and yet you seem to do that to me quite frequently. We can agree to disagree...but please don't make assumptions about my 45 year relationship with my husband and make false statements about it.

 

I am involved on Forums not because I am here looking for advice or help because i am still affected by my infidelity...but because i feel like I can give hope to those who are presently dealing with the affects of infidelity. I do my best to give honest answers based on my own experience.....and i try very hard to not answer if i personally cannot relate. For example....I never post in threads dealing with divorce...I simply have nothing to contribute to that topic because i have never divorced. I don't contribute to threads that talk about drug addiction....because i have no experience with that topic. I have experience with infidelity...from a waywards perspective as well as a betrayeds perspective.... but I don't profess to have all of the answers.

[elaine567]

I actually wasn't talking about you at all. On here meaning LS, not on here meaning this thread.

I was actually thinking more about some of the men here, one in particular comes to mind.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I actually wasn't talking about you at all. On here meaning LS, not on here meaning this thread.

I was actually thinking more about some of the men here, one in particular comes to mind.

 

I can think of many folks here that still struggle....and mostly because they have not received what they needed for healing....and in likelihood...probably should have divorced but made the decision to reconcile. Reconciliation is not always the right answer...but it is a personal choice.

 

I would not stay in a relationship with anyone I no longer loved or respected...I was just talking with someone about this very subject. Staying in a relationship where I am mistreated or am miserable...is not a healthy choice for me.

 

Which is part of the reason I think this woman's husband has a right to know...he should be able to make the decision that is best for him....rather than being kept in the dark and finding out in the future.

 

She holds his fate in her hands....she made the decision to risk her marriage without asking his opinion....and now she gets to make the decision for him about remaining married to her. Is that fair? I don't think so.

[mightycpa]

The guilt is killing me...

That's just you wanting to do it to make you feel better.

 

The thing to consider is that while you may no longer feel guilty, you will in no way begin to feel good.

 

Pick your poison, but make no mistake, all choices are poison.

[DAO]

I actually wasn't talking about you at all. On here meaning LS, not on here meaning this thread.

I was actually thinking more about some of the men here, one in particular comes to mind.

 

I knew it...some men are responsible for everything:rolleyes:

A particular man just made his choice,and full stop.(What he has to do with OP)

Affair is emotional and mental abuse,combine it with denying someone choice,is cruel beyond any comprehension.

It is not question how someone will be affected.

It is question what is right

[elaine567]

I knew it...some men are responsible for everything:rolleyes:

A particular man just made his choice,and full stop.(What he has to do with OP)

Affair is emotional and mental abuse,combine it with denying someone choice,is cruel beyond any comprehension.

It is not question how someone will be affected.

It is question what is right

 

So you really don't care that some people including little kids have their lives ruined as long as the "right" box is ticked.

[road]

Yes, it may not only affect him in this relationship, it may affect every relationship from here on thereafter.

People are on here talking about cheating that occurred 30+ years ago and it still affects them deeply.

How much better had they never known about it and could have lived happier lives?

If a cheater is determined never to repeat the experience and determined to actively work on the relationship and is std clear, then it is better to keep their mouth closed. I don't see it as "love" to rip someone's life apart and make children live through unhappy marriages and go through divorces, when silence would have been more sensible and appropriate.

 

Problem is not just the cheating.

It is about how the BS found out.

If there was instant NC or not.

Was the WS truthful, fully, with no trickle truth.

Did the WS place blame or take it.

WS did the work to recover or rug sweep.

 

 

So to say it is better not to tell depends on how D day comes about and

how things are handled afterwards.

[GoldenR]

So you really don't care that some people including little kids have their lives ruined as long as the "right" box is ticked.

 

 

That's something the wayward should have thought about before cheating. To cheat and then to act all noble with "I just don't want to hurt him/her/the kids" when it comes to owning up to what they've done is sickening.

Edited February 27, 2017 by GoldenR

[confusingme]

That's something the wayward should have thought about before cheating. To cheat and then to act all noble with "I just don't want to hurt him/her/the kids" when it comes to owning up to what they've done is sickening.

 

True. And during the A, I wasn't thinking of the kids or husband at all.

 

But is it still better to let them know NOW ? - I cannot change the past anymore - it happened - and I'm very sorry - and I'm trying to be a better person.

 

The husband might have his right to make a choice, but how about the kids ? Am I giving the kids' right of being with mommy or daddy to my husband totally ? I'm still the mother to them, no matter how bad I am, they still need me. Is it really better to let their classmates call them bad names instead of not letting them know ?

 

Sounds like I'm making excuses for myself, true, I'm trying to avoid any consequences I will have to deal with, i want to take the easy way.

However, I do think about husband and kids now, if my husband finds out, the same consequences to me as now. I don't think my husband would want to reconcile even if I tell him now.

 

And if he finds out 5 years later, he will probably be madder, but it's only IF it happened after 5 years he would say it, I don't believe he would think "She confesses, so I should focus on reconciling with her." NO, this chance is very low. Only thing he can think about when he knows he was cheated on was the affair and the anger he gets.

 

During these 6 months, I have felt so safe in family. The pain I got from the A, has made me not want to get involved in any other men, never, ever again ! So I can say, no I will not cheat anymore.

[confusingme]

Thank you all for your responses.

I cannot reply to each one of you, but I have got deeper levels of sight and either way of your comments have made me wanting to be a better person.

I wish I didn't have the affair, it's really a shame. A stain in my heart. I cannot forgive myself.

 

One thing you guys mention the most is my friend or his wife might tell others and my husband would know soon.

 

His wife will not tell my husband, they have kids, why would she want her kids to know that their dad cheated ? And she's dependent 100% on him, she forgave him almost immediately. She won't get any benefit by revealing the affair. Plus if she wanted to revenge, she would have done it earlier.

 

About my friend, she might. But if she is this type of person, she would have NOT told his wife, instead, she would have spread the rumor among our mutual friends. During this 6 moths, she's been in touch with me, she's been warning me "not to talk to the other man, otherwise, she wouldn't know how to help me again." (she insists that by telling his wife was the only correct way to help me.) Thus, I believe she cares about me.

 

But of course, anything is possible. However, the main thing I'm concerned about is not how my husband will find it out or how others would tell him. It's the guilty and shame I'm dealing with.

[confusingme]

One more thing I want to address about my friend is, she had been through a very difficult time with her boyfriend (her 2 sons' father). He was violent, beat her, took her kids away from her, kicked her out of their apartment. During that time, it was me giving her a room and because of that, my husband wasn't happy, (he was worried that her boyfriend would come to our home, do violent things to us since I brought her in.) Me and my husband got fight because of this. I always believe it was something that I showed her that I truly cared about her. And this was the reason I trusted her enough to tell her about the affair. We almost feel like one person.

 

She is not just some gossipy girlfriend who you go to parties with.

[usa1ah]

You are making a bad choice if you choose not to tell.

 

Your kids won't be teased at school.

 

You will regret this if you don't confess. The guilt will be like a wedge between the two of you.

 

I hope your husband finds someone that truly loves him one day.

[DKT3]

My husband will not want to reconcile.......There is why you will not confess. The rest is all window dressing and things that should have prevented you from having an affair....You didn't care how it affected anyone else then and you don't now. Only how it will impact you.

[DAO]

So you really don't care that some people including little kids have their lives ruined as long as the "right" box is ticked.

 

Accuse and portray me as a monster in order to win the argument is laughable.

 

For the record,I care about every human being(little kids included) and speak and defend them when they are not able to speak and protect themselves.

 

Quiet frankly,I think your advice is based on your anger,bitterness and hatred of the men ( for example your post no. 27 of this thread ). You are supporting emotional and mental abuse,you encourage dishonesty,you deny the choice to the victim (BS) ,yet it does not stop you to accuse me of not caring . What a hypocrisy.

 

In addition to above,you are making too many assumptions,you are generalising and your advice is based on it as well.

[Jersey born raised]

ConfusingMe,

 

Done is done. I think the subject of you thread has been thoughly discussed and it is begining to become circular. I offered you my suggestion, as others you made a decision so act on it.

 

Keep reading posts by BS, and Waywards for you info only. This will help you grow.

 

Be well, I hope it works out for you.

 

Jersey