Shall I still confess when husband doesn't know ?

[Jersey born raised]

Remember love is borh a feeling and a choice if actions. Choose wisely.

[elaine567]

It seems to me, many men will not tolerate their wives cheating on them and will either divorce straight away or will make her life hell waiting for an opportunity to leave or will stay but life is never the same again.

 

I am not sure that men are geared to accept cheating. Many women will accept cheating as they want to stay a family unit for their kids, they want to stay in their home, they want to maintain their financial status, or they are besotted and have some airy fairy version of "love" (he may have s__wed the nanny but he really loves me...).

But some men do not feel the same pull in the face of a cheating wife.

A cheating men will often stay for a loyal and innocent wife, but a "cheated on" man may feel no such loyalty.

Once another man has gone there, his attraction for her is often gone and so he checks out sooner or later.

 

(A man on here waited 8 years to take "revenge" on his cheating wife, she thought things were going really well and that they were past most of the bad times, until he just walked out one day...He thought his kid was old enough to cope with the divorce, so he packed up and left. he cited her cheating as the reason. He never really got over it.)

[lolablue17]

I don't know if you should tell him or not. I just know that telling him will be a very selfish thing to do. I you tell ,you're using him to feel better with yourself.

 

If that will remain a secret, it will be a constant reminder for you to make efforts to bring back the flame. And if there's no flame, than you can divorce him, without telling him of course. You feel bad about your affair. Why would you make him to pay the price for you actions?

[salparadise]

Seems like everybody on the internet wants to act like a perfect person has perfect personality, who gives the most perfect in the most moral way suggestion

 

Yup, and this forum is heavily weighted in that direction. Many of the people here have been hurt by cheating spouses or gf/bf, and the lying is often more hurtful than the cheating itself. They may invest in the belief that honesty is always the best policy, or they may be inherently predisposed to it. It's an all or nothing, black and white mentality, and reality is not black and white. It's a lot more complicated, mostly shades of gray.

 

I call it moral absolutism. I think it's a way to simplify everything and avoid life's hard questions and decisions. I think you should not rely on the weight (or quantity) of other's opinions to make your decision.

 

 

Most affairs/cheating is never revealed so if you keep your mouth shut you'll be doing what most people do. As a BH myself I can honestly say that I wish I could "un-know" my wife's affair. Ignorance would have saved me an endless amount of pain, shame & self-hatred. So I say never tell him. If you're feeling guilty and feel you need to unburden yourself just suck it up buttercup. Living with your sin is your penance and there's no good reason to dump your mess on your husband. He deserves better & you owe him.

 

^^ This is the other perspective. Moral absolutism completely ignores this more practical perspective in favor of its own righteousness. Idioms do not necessarily equal truth or righteousness.

 

Confessing to unburden your soul probably won't –– it will destroy your husband's faith in you and maybe even be the end of the marriage. It will certainly be the end of the marriage as he has known it. Does he deserve to destroyed by this? Of course not. Can you spare him that pain by carrying your own burden? Yes, probably, unless he discovers it another way. Even so, would a confession be that much easier for him than discovery? Probably not, maybe just by degrees.

 

Consider both perspectives (as you're doing) and come to your own decision perhaps with the help of counseling. No one can tell you what's right for you –– they're selling an agenda, an idiom that does not equal truth even if they believe it and are highly vocal. Make your own decision, and be willing to carry your own burden if you decide that's the most compassionate way.

Edited February 25, 2017 by salparadise

[masoj3k]

 

(A man on here waited 8 years to take "revenge" on his cheating wife, she thought things were going really well and that they were past most of the bad times, until he just walked out one day...He thought his kid was old enough to cope with the divorce, so he packed up and left. he cited her cheating as the reason. He never really got over it.)

 

Wow I remember that one. You should leave out the word revenge, even in inverted commas, because he didn't actually take any revenge. No need to spin that one as all the BS did was leave her as he struggled with the fact she cheated for the majority of the marriage at the point he found out (she didn't confess).

 

It was clear it eventually got to the point he couldn't cope anymore and while she thought they were past the bad times it is clear he still had some very painful emotional issues such as flashbacks (that a lot of people on this forum say they get from time to time). He didn't lash out, he didn't badmouth the (ex) wife to the kid (in fact he was rather diplomatic about the reason why he left).

[Just a Guy]

Hi Salparadise, so what you're saying is that what her BH doesn't know won't hurt him? Good. Six months later she can go out and cheat on him again because by now she would have gained confidence in the cheating game and would know how to throw dust in her husband's eyes whenever he became a bit suspicious to put him off her scent or should I say foul smelling odour. There have been people on this forum who married not one but two or three spouse who all turned out to be cheaters. However, over time they discovered all of them and divorced them. There may be stray cases where a cheater gets away with his/ her infidelity but more often than not a cheater gets caught out. There are too many imponderables for a cheater to think he/she can get away clean. A more honourable thing for confusing to do would be to divorce her husband if she does not want to confess. At least her husband gets a chance to live an honest life with another partner. Just my opinion.

[AngryGromit]

I wouldn't tell him, nothing good can come out of him knowing. Either he will leave you or not trust you anymore. You take a considerable risk with no upside. So long as the affair is over, I wouldn't worry about the other women telling your husband, if she didn't say anything by now, your safe in my opinion.

 

Good. Six months later she can go out and cheat on him again because by now she would have gained confidence in the cheating game ....

 

Her husband knowing or not knowing isn't going to prevent her from cheating again if she really wants to. Either this will wreck the marriage or he will be suspicious every time she says she is going out with friends. The increase scrutiny all the time will cause problems in the future for the marriage.

Edited February 25, 2017 by AngryGromit

[salparadise]

Hi Salparadise, so what you're saying is...

 

 

Nope, what I'm saying is exactly what I wrote.

 

Your response, a feeble attempt to put words in my mouth, is full of unfounded assumptions, generalizations and that black and white mentality. It's a perfect example of moral absolutism as it's typically expressed in this context. Thanks for illustrating my point in the most literal sense.

[confusingme]

Most affairs/cheating is never revealed so if you keep your mouth shut you'll be doing what most people do. As a BH myself I can honestly say that I wish I could "un-know" my wife's affair. Ignorance would have saved me an endless amount of pain, shame & self-hatred. So I say never tell him. If you're feeling guilty and feel you need to unburden yourself just suck it up buttercup. Living with your sin is your penance and there's no good reason to dump your mess on your husband. He deserves better & you owe him.

 

Thank you. This is what my main thought right now for 2 reasons:

 

1. Selfish one - I'm not ready to deal with the aftermath of being uncovered. All friends, neighbors and family members like me. It just seems to be impossible to deal with their disappointment.

 

2. As what you stated - I don't want to pour the endless pain to my husband, believe me or not, as me and my husband are rekindling, I don't want to hurt his feelings. Ironically, while I was deep in the A, I didn't feel difficult thinking of telling him - by then, it seemed like I almost hated my husband, and I WANTED to let him know that "he was dumb enough to let another man make his wife smile." But, of course, now I see how ridiculous I was by thinking that way.

 

Thanks again for your insight point of view. I appreciate.

[Midwestmissy]

My husband confessed 6 months after he ended his 6-8 month ea/pa. I suspected, but he lied and screwed with my head, and raged. I vomited daily and didn't know why and he sneered at me. He confessed because he wanted to take responsibility and accept that he wasn't in control of the outcome. That by blaming me for everything and projecting his shortcomings on me, he wasn't living an authentic life.

 

He could have carried on, we probably would have split up, I'd have always suspected, and he would have carried these traits into every relationship he had, hurting our kids, belittling everyone. Flitting from one shiny thing to the next. It's how he watched his mother behave and still behaves and he has a lot of disgust for her. Stomp on people and then arrogantly and condescendingly deny and invalidate. I of course took all the blame - and simultaneously was both parents to the kids since dad was absent, whether he was physically there or not. His family dynamic growing up was one of being the one who hurts others in order to not get hurt. Pretty effed up, all love was transactional and conditional and based on achievement. He'd avoided that dynamic with me for 25 years and a series of business setbacks sent him right into holding me accountable for his failures, and he justified his affair that way.

 

He told me that by confessing he was stopping all of it. He wanted his kids to be proud of him - and that's a long hard road since he confessed. He wanted our marriage to be an honest one and he wanted me to know all of it. The m/cow probably wasn't going to rat him out, but evidence was everywhere and even the kids saw weird emails etc. He was very stressed out and making stupid decisions. He has been in therapy and he gets to feel life instead of pretending he's controlling it. Our marriage is a work in progress, but I'd rather know than live the way I was living. I firmly believe in complete disclosure.

[Midwestmissy]

Confusing me, the people who are friends of our marriage supported my husband and I staying together. He's accountable to all of them. Not a single friend told me to get the he!! Out if the marriage. The only person who didn't want us to reconcile was his mother. Her reason? Reconciliation would give me back all the power and control. She's never had a relationship that wasn't one sided, so to her, a reconciliation was weak on my husband's part. And she wanted him (age 50) to move back in with her. "She kicked you out? Great! I just bought you a new duvet, come on over!" She never asked about me or our children. Still hasn't. I've known her for 30 yrs. her response shocked my husband and made him want to be a better man.

 

People who care about you genuinely will continue to do so. And they all have stories and pasts too. Let go of the outcome. It's not in your hands and more importantly it never was.

[confusingme]

My wife did not confess her A, I discovered it. But, the bolded above is exactly how I felt; our marriage was dying (from my point of view) and I didn't know how to fix it. I suspect, had I not found out, we'd be down the path of D right now; because I was to the point where "this has to stop" and we were openly discussing how to pull our lives apart and move forward alone.

 

Discovery of the A, while perhaps the most painful thing thus far in my life, brought it all into focus for me. Our marriage wasn't dying, my wife was having an affair, that was a very different problem. Yes, she re-wrote history to be "Marriage dying before start of affair" but, frankly, that's just not true. So, the discovery of the A gave me, in some terrible/twisted way, hope. Hope that we could fix things and move on because, while terrible, an A can be overcome. "I want a D" for "no reason" is pretty much the end of a marriage, there's no point in trying to save it at that point (which is where I felt we were).

 

Now, all this said, your H will suffer greatly if you tell him. I too wish I could unknow it. But I can't, and, if I'd never known, I'd probably be in a different forum posting about my divorce that I was going through and no idea "why". IMHO, he needs to know; continuing a relationship with this kind of cloud over it.. IDK, seems like it will eventually come back to destroy you/your marriage, just a matter of when. I, as others have posted, couldn't live my life with that over my head.

 

Hi, I actually have read your post very carefully, and I actually have got a better view from your insight feelings.

 

I'm sorry for what's happening to you.

 

What you stated above in bold, my marriage could relate, my husband and I started having all kinds of disagreements and fights and distance for who knows what reasons - it was before my A - I actually intentionally looking for someone to hold onto BECAUSE of all the fights - which is the most common reason why people cheat, I guess.

 

Anyway, as I read in your post about how you are suffering, I surly don't want my husband to go through it, and I don't want myself to go through all the crappies - I am willing to create a new self - it's not easy - especially in a long run - but I'm willing to focus - I'm doing it - on my marriage - live with guilty, at this moment - actually is a motivation - to treat my husband as best as I can.

 

And if that's what makes him happy, and treat me better in return, I don't see why I should tell him everything to destroy everything. We had struggled a lot try to fix the marriage for a long time - but never worked.

 

I mean will it really worth it to build the trust issue in his heart for the next 50, 60 years in his life - no matter I will be still in his life ? Or it's actually better to improve myself - to be a decent wife ?

Edited February 25, 2017 by confusingme

[Lady2163]

I am normally in the camp of 'don't tell' and 'deny everything'. That is self preservation.

 

BUT, because he bw knows, because you have friends who know, you're walking on a tightrope, just waiting for someone else to blow up your happy life. Many an AP BS and Other can get downright vengeful when they see someone escape scot-free from accountability. I've known single OWs who lament in their misery about how alone and lonely they are after it ends, whereas he gets to go back to loving wife and kids and vacations and holidays, while they stare at a Christmas tree with empty boxes wrapped in paper.

 

So, the stress of waiting could overwhelm you as well.

 

You should go to counseling - a real counselor. One thing that royally pisses me off about deadsoul is I don't feel her counselor properly prepared her for all scenarios and the fallout. She wasn't mentally prepared and that is totally on the counselor.

 

A close friend had her husband confess to an affair and she kicked him out. He went to a hotel that night and then next morning was on the steps of the bank when they unlocked the door. He left less than $10 in their checking and savings account. While he didn't run to the OW. His justification was that bs threw him out, his marriage was over, he wasn't going to be homeless since as far as he was concerned the money they both earned was still half his.

 

While I don't recommend wiping out the joint accounts, I do recommend you be prepared to be thrown out - as a worst case scenario. That means if you have a car, you pack a bag that has all the necessities of your life. Another friend shredded her wandering husband's passport, birth certificate and social security card.

 

A counselor can help you be prepared both logically (packing a bag) and emotionally.

[GoldenR]

One more thing to consider....

 

Let's say he finds out in 5 yrs, 10 yrs, 15 yrs...The more time that passes between your A and him finding out on his own, the bigger the disconnect between the two of you will be. He will think the entire marriage has been a lie. Where you, on the other hand, will be like, "But I've been faithful all this time since and our marriage is great!".

 

I'm also of the opinion, once a cheater (that doesn't get found out), always a cheater. No repercussions = why not do it again? You may say 'no way, never again' right now, but what happens years later when that perfect storm comes about? Or what happens a year from now when the same OM wants you back? I've read your threads, you would be back in a heartbeat...

 

I feel bad for your H.

[ShatteredLady]

My husband became a complete & utter **** whilst he was cheating on me!

He turned into a cruel, abusive alien monster in about a week & it continued for 9 months.

 

I was in a bad way when it started. Recovering from surgery, heavily medicated, trying to take care of preschoolers, depressed. Everything in the world was my fault according to him. His venom & utter contempt destroyed me, bit by bit, as the months passed. I'm still not recovered, not really.

 

When I finally discovered (he denied. Didn't confess. Gaslit) I was actually RELIEVED to know the truth.

 

If he'd just changed his mind & started trying to rebuild our family I'd still be stuck with the severe PTSD, zero self-esteem, self-doubt insanity from the gaslighting...it would probably be worse (if possible) because I'd still be blaming & hating myself.

 

 

To tell or not to tell. That is the question....

 

Since d-day I've always fallen on the TELL side of this debate. I find it very hard to imagine a non-serial-cheat, non-sociopathic adulterer who does NOT drastically change & inflict ABUSE on the bs.

 

For their own sanity the bs NEEDS to know.

 

 

I'm a hapless romantic. I desperately WANT to believe that the elusive, black & white, morally perfect, empathic, open & honest, share EVERYTHING, kind of marriage is possible. It's my dream, my fantasy. I could be half of that equation.

 

I've become very broken & cynical. Maybe that is possible in somes reality. "I've heard the mermaids singing..." kind of stuff but "human voices" have well & truly woken me & I'm drowned.

 

I do NOT have that kind of marriage. Not close! I realize that I never have. I also have the unique kind of perspective of now being 'stalked' by my ex. I thought that, despite his issues, we had that kind of relationship, sort of. I now realize that I'm a complete fantasy to him. He doesn't know me (has no interest in ME outside of where I exist in his illusions) & has no real, sincere interest in changing that.

 

My brain has been utterly scrambled by my husband's affair. It's agony. Would I rather not know?

 

Given what I said at the start of this 'essay' (& all the principle stuff) YES!

 

....but. If he hadn't been so awful. If he was the kind of person who could do deep introspection & truly change. If HE knew that he could NEVER sink so low again.... ignorance can be bliss!!

 

I never used to believe that. I used to believe that adultery could be completely recovered from (I thought I had 15 years ago). I used to believe in those wonderful, soul mates, share innermost thoughts, 2 peas in a lovely pod, kind of relationships.

 

I now think that the vast majority of marriages are mediocre at best & knowledge, true knowledge of the other person makes it bloody awful.

 

 

REALLY BAD WEEK!

 

Do what you want. Tell or don't tell. If your 'love' & perception of your husband & family is so fickle that it can flip on a oh so thrilling, sexy dime....what does it matter? Really? What's the best marriage relationship that YOU are capable of? Answer that question & you should know the "To tell or not to tell?" answer.

[Overtaxed]

When I finally discovered (he denied. Didn't confess. Gaslit) I was actually RELIEVED to know the truth.

 

I know we've discussed this before, but, since this is a new thread, I'll just add, I felt exactly the same way. Obviously d-day was awful, it was a mix of all the worst kinds of emotions; pain, fear, hate, rage... But the one that stood out over all of them was relief. I finally knew what was happening and what was going on; why my marriage was falling apart.

 

Now, to the OP. If my W had ended the A and recommitted herself to the marriage (as she appears to be doing since d-day) with her entire heart, would I want to know? I'm not sure I would. The reason I felt relief and I'm happy I found out is because I think we were heading for a D if nothing changed, and, as long as the AP was there, it wasn't going to change. As soon as we started to talk about it and she went NC, things changed. Fast. So, in a way, discovery gave me a chance to save my marriage because, without it, I probably would have walked away thinking this just is "broken" without even knowing why.

 

But, that said, knowing is a burden. The mind movies are h(ll. When we sleep together now, it's an active task to keep the thoughts of them together out of my mind. The stuff they did together is like knives in my heart.

 

So, all that said.. If this affair had to happen (my wife's), and it was scheduled to end on d-day anyway (which it wasn't, but let's say it was), and my wife, that day, turned around and became the woman that she is presenting today without me knowing... I probably wouldn't want to know. But I also think that scenario is rather unrealistic; at least for most of the stories that I've read on here. You do, however, sound like you have some remorse and want to try to change things; if you feel that way and can really put in the effort AS IF HE KNEW and you were trying to fix it; I can see a case for not telling him. If he finds out though, it'll be awful, so you have to balance that against the pain of telling him right now.

 

I know, not all that helpful. If I were in your shoes, and was sure it was over, and sure it would never get back to my W; I probably would err on the side of "let it eat me alive, not her", IE, not telling her.

[aliveagain]

I guess it just comes down to who you are, how important is honesty in your life, what is your core value? What's the value of your word, is it the same value your husband believes your word is worth? Is that important to you? The rest of your life is a long time, we don't really know what comes after that other then what the leaders of our religious beliefs suggest we believe. That dark cloud over your head will be with you in everything you do. Having an affair is easy, anyone in a committed relationship with working sexual organs can do it. The hard part is undoing the damage to your soul and to the people you love. Affairs are never just about you and your affair partner.

 

You can not control other people that know your secret, the secret and preserving it is now controlling you. There can be no secrets in a successful marriage, secrets reduce the chances that your marriage will survive because they affect the choices you would normally make so they are never discovered. That is no way to live the rest of your life because you will never be living it the way it should be lived, you will never be who you really are.

 

I can only tell you that being exposed will fare much worse for you then confessing, just google the stats.

Edited February 25, 2017 by aliveagain

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed and your husband was having sex with his lover for two months and putting you health at risk for STD's; you would not want to know? Don't you think your husband has a right to at least get tested for STD's?

 

The sad part is that you are still disrespecting him horribly and playing him for a fool. You are rationalizing all sort of things. The truth is simply that you do not want to suffer any consequences for your actions. Maybe it is time for you to be honest with yourself and your husband. Either you have a marriage based on honesty and respect or one based on betrayal and disrespect. The choice is yours.

[oldshirt]

Whether you decide to disclose or not disclose, my recommendation is to do it mindfully and with contingency plans in place for any possible outcome.

 

If you choose to disclose, my recommendation is to seek a good counselor first and unpeel the layers of where your head is at and also to seek guidance in how best to disclose to your H. I would further add that it may be worth consideration to disclose with the assistance of the counselor and have that 3rd party present to mediate the process and be available for assistance in the immediate aftermath and during the reconciliation process.

 

If you choose not to disclose, you'll need to tie up a lot of loose ends and will need to have plans in place for the eventual Dday which could occur anywhere from this afternoon until 40 years from now.

 

You will need to be prepared for him to not only be angry and hurt by the A but will be exponentially hurt and angry by your continued deceit and coverup.

 

You will need to be prepared for divorce at that and by then you may have children, mortgage, car payments, shared retirement accounts etc etc.

 

My recommendation is to start maintaining separate accounts and have a bail-out plan in place in case you get the boot.

 

And if he decides not to kick you out and to reconcile instead, be prepared for a much longer and more arduous reconciliation process due to the additional deceit and gaslighting.

 

So whatever you do, be smart and methodical about it and have plans in place on how to deal with it when the $^!+ hits the fan.

[oldshirt]

I will add a few other points to ponder in no particular order -

 

Statistically speaking, if you fall on your sword and come clean and commit yourself to facing the issues head on and committing yourself to doing the heavy lifting required to repair the damage, your chances of saving the marriage and going on to have a happy and healthy marriage down the right are quite good.

 

And even if things don't work out long term and you do end up parting ways, there will be a lot less baggage and drama and long-lasting hurt feelings and bad blood by both your H and his friends and family.

 

Conversely, if you bury this under the floorboards in the closet and it comes out, the damage will be a million times worse and it will take a lot more work and effort to fix and there will be a lot more drama, bad blood and baggage.

 

If you attempt reconciliation after being discovered, it will be a lot more work with a lot more baggage and the end result will be a lot less even if successful.

 

If you do not reconcile or if reconciliation fails, there will be a lot more lingering bad blood and resentments.

[oldshirt]

Also, there is truth to what some of the posters are saying in regards to cheating again in the future.

 

You keep blaming this on problems and fights that you had before the A.

 

Well, I got a news flash for you - marriages and relationships have problems and fights at various times and circumstances........forever.

 

There will be future problems and fights with your H. And assuming you aren't over 300lbs with warts and open lesions and horrible BO, you will have an endless supply of men standing in line wanting to be the one you climb into bed with when you are upset or dissatisfied with your H.

 

When you get away scot-free by seeking comfort in the bed of another man when you weren't feeling the love with your H, what is to stop you from hopping into bed with the next guy with sparkly blue eyes and a wicked grin the next time you are feeling a little neglected and frustrated with your H.

 

You see, the real issue here wasn't the problems and the fights with your H, all couples have problems and fights. What lead you into bed with another man was your character, your values, your moral compass and your coping skills (or lack there of)

 

In other words, your getting down with another man was about you and not about your marital problems and fights.

 

If you address this head-on and seek counseling and deal with the ramifications and challenges with your H and you do the work and feel the pain of your actions, you may develop as a person and as a spouse and you may develop better coping mechanisms for marital problems and you may come out of it as being a good spouse and you may have a lasting, happy, healthy and functional marriage.

 

But if you are able to bury this corpse this time and get away with it, it will just be that much easier to jump some other dude's bones the next time your H doesn't fulfill your every whim.

 

At some point in all of this you will screw up or someone will rat you out and at that time your house of cards will all come crashing down. Your chance of ever salvaging a good marriage after multiple infidelities will be virtually nill and with the label of serial cheater across your forehead, your chances of ever marry a decent man after the divorce will also be nill.

 

Your actions become your habits, your habits become your character and your character becomes your destiny.

[oldshirt]

 

 

If you address this head-on and seek counseling and deal with the ramifications and challenges with your H and you do the work and feel the pain of your actions, you may develop as a person and as a spouse and you may develop better coping mechanisms for marital problems and you may come out of it as being a good spouse and you may have a lasting, happy, healthy and functional marriage.

 

But if you are able to bury this corpse this time and get away with it, it will just be that much easier to jump some other dude's bones the next time your H doesn't fulfill your every whim.

.

 

Not to place any of the blame of your infidelity on your H, but to be fair and realistic, addressing this with him will also give him some ownership in your future as well.

 

Right now, he has no idea of the depths of the impact of your problems and fights. He doesn't know that the squabbles you had resulted with your legs over another man's shoulders.

 

If he doesn't know the level of impact of your problems, what's to stop him from doing everything the same way again himself??

 

He too needs to learn better coping skills and better conflict management skills going into the future.

 

You both need to learn to resolve conflict and marital issues better. How can he step up to the plate if he doesn't understand the depths of your issues??

 

Right now for all he knows, you had some fights awhile back and now things are hunky dory.

 

He doesn't know that he had a fight with his wife and then she went and got down with some other dude for a few months. He doesn't know the state of his marriage so he has no idea of what he has to do towards fixing it.

 

He is like a pilot flying an airplane but doesn't know that someone else sabotaged the fuel guage and poked a hole in the fuel tank. For all he knows, it's business as usual and the reality is he going to run out of gas at 10,000 feet.

 

He can't work on addressing the issues because he doesn't know the true status of how deep the issues really are.

 

If you don't disclose, there is no reason to think that he won't deal with future conflicts the same way he did with the previous conflicts as well.

 

Both of your conflict resolution skills suck.

 

If you sweep this under the rug and don't address it and fix it, history will repeat itself. You will cheat again and perhaps next time he will too as well.

[deadsoul]

I don't know if you should tell him or not. I just know that telling him will be a very selfish thing to do. I you tell ,you're using him to feel better with yourself.

 

If that will remain a secret, it will be a constant reminder for you to make efforts to bring back the flame. And if there's no flame, than you can divorce him, without telling him of course. You feel bad about your affair. Why would you make him to pay the price for you actions?

 

I have to disagree with this in my situation. Having the affair was a very selfish thing for me to do. And telling my BS did not make me feel better about myself, in fact I feel worse. I have to look at my BS and know that I caused his pain. How does that relieve mine? It doesn't. Not even a little bit. I have to look at my kids and I almost feel like Cersi in Game of Thrones when she walks naked through the city with that dumb chick yelling, "shame, shame, shame"

 

In a sense though, I am walking through it and holding my head high. This is who I am and this is what I've done. I have to own it.

[deadsoul]

I am normally in the camp of 'don't tell' and 'deny everything'. That is self preservation.

 

BUT, because he bw knows, because you have friends who know, you're walking on a tightrope, just waiting for someone else to blow up your happy life. Many an AP BS and Other can get downright vengeful when they see someone escape scot-free from accountability. I've known single OWs who lament in their misery about how alone and lonely they are after it ends, whereas he gets to go back to loving wife and kids and vacations and holidays, while they stare at a Christmas tree with empty boxes wrapped in paper.

 

So, the stress of waiting could overwhelm you as well.

 

You should go to counseling - a real counselor. One thing that royally pisses me off about deadsoul is I don't feel her counselor properly prepared her for all scenarios and the fallout. She wasn't mentally prepared and that is totally on the counselor.

 

A close friend had her husband confess to an affair and she kicked him out. He went to a hotel that night and then next morning was on the steps of the bank when they unlocked the door. He left less than $10 in their checking and savings account. While he didn't run to the OW. His justification was that bs threw him out, his marriage was over, he wasn't going to be homeless since as far as he was concerned the money they both earned was still half his.

 

While I don't recommend wiping out the joint accounts, I do recommend you be prepared to be thrown out - as a worst case scenario. That means if you have a car, you pack a bag that has all the necessities of your life. Another friend shredded her wandering husband's passport, birth certificate and social security card.

 

A counselor can help you be prepared both logically (packing a bag) and emotionally.

 

In my counselor's defense, she did not know I was confessing. I just did it. I wasn't even prepared for the words to come out of my mouth. It just happened. We had talked endlessly about confessing or not. And believe me, we talked about both sides of it. But ultimately, I just did it. I couldn't live the way I was living anymore. But again, that's just me.

 

But the aftermath of it totally sucks. I am dealing with things the best way I can and I still don't know the status of my marriage at this point and probably won't for a long time. I just can't advise someone either way on telling or not. I see both sides. And ultimately people just have to do what is right for their individual situation. I don't believe that just because OP decides to keep it a secret, she will cheat again. I don't think it's fair to make those assumptions. I think if she does the work and figures out why she did what she did, she can move forward and live a better life. I confessed and there's no guarantee I won't cheat again. But wouldn't I be more likely to since I've already done it?

 

I think the bottom line is having self-awareness and working through the issues that led to it to begin with and making better future choices is all we can do.

[deadsoul]

Thank you. This is what my main thought right now for 2 reasons:

 

1. Selfish one - I'm not ready to deal with the aftermath of being uncovered. All friends, neighbors and family members like me. It just seems to be impossible to deal with their disappointment.

 

It is hard. I won't lie. There are people in my life I can't face right now and there are people who have said they never want to see me again. I'm finding out who my true friends are, that's for sure.

 

2. As what you stated - I don't want to pour the endless pain to my husband, believe me or not, as me and my husband are rekindling, I don't want to hurt his feelings. Ironically, while I was deep in the A, I didn't feel difficult thinking of telling him - by then, it seemed like I almost hated my husband, and I WANTED to let him know that "he was dumb enough to let another man make his wife smile." But, of course, now I see how ridiculous I was by thinking that way.

 

I completely understand this statement as well. I felt all those things. If you are able to carry the pain and guilt and move forward and learn from this, then that's what you should do. But if you feel it will ultimately destroy your relationship, then you should confess. There is just no easy answer here. Believe me, I've googled it endlessly.

 

 

Thanks again for your insight point of view. I appreciate.

 

This forum is telling me I need ten characters. though I put more than that... oh well. Think I've done it now.