Shall I still confess when husband doesn't know ?

[BaileyB]

I have to disagree with this in my situation. Having the affair was a very selfish thing for me to do. And telling my BS did not make me feel better about myself, in fact I feel worse. I have to look at my BS and know that I caused his pain. How does that relieve mine? It doesn't. Not even a little bit. I have to look at my kids and I almost feel like Cersi in Game of Thrones when she walks naked through the city with that dumb chick yelling, "shame, shame, shame"

 

In a sense though, I am walking through it and holding my head high. This is who I am and this is what I've done. I have to own it.

 

As hard as it may be for you to hear this, there is much to respect about what you have done. The affair was selfish, but the way that you have handled yourself since the confession shows humility, strength of character, and integrity. Stay in this path, and I have to believe that your family will find healing...

 

The wise words that you share with others are always filled with humility, sensitivity, and the need to take personal responsibility. Much to respect indeed.

Edited February 25, 2017 by BaileyB

[aliveagain]

I have to disagree with this in my situation. Having the affair was a very selfish thing for me to do. And telling my BS did not make me feel better about myself, in fact I feel worse. I have to look at my BS and know that I caused his pain. How does that relieve mine? It doesn't. Not even a little bit. I have to look at my kids and I almost feel like Cersi in Game of Thrones when she walks naked through the city with that dumb chick yelling, "shame, shame, shame"

In a sense though, I am walking through it and holding my head high. This is who I am and this is what I've done. I have to own it.

 

deadsoul, just what did you expect would happen? Consider the facts, adultery is considered morally wrong in ever country in the world, it is condoned in every major religion on the planet. In Christianity it is the only deadly sin mentioned twice, once for doing it and once for thinking about doing it. We are all given the same advice at home, at school, in our places of worship from a very early age. Some of us listen, some of us think they are too entitled for these kinds of restrictions applying to them. How much bigger should the hint be not to do it?

[GoldenR]

I don't believe that just because OP decides to keep it a secret, she will cheat again. I don't think it's fair to make those assumptions. I think if she does the work and figures out why she did what she did, she can move forward and live a better life. I confessed and there's no guarantee I won't cheat again. But wouldn't I be more likely to since I've already done it?

 

No offense, and gently, but isn't that exactly something that a cheater would say?

 

And yes, you're more likely, but less likely than you would have had you not confessed.

[Trtroles]

I am going to be honest with you.

 

You cheated on your Husband. You went looking for Affair. Asking someone to put a smile on your face behind your husband back. Your words not mine.

 

Your friends know about Affair. They laugh at him. Every single time they saw him they will think what a fool he is.

Good friends would tell him trust me on this one.

 

They are not your or your husband friends. They are "TOXIC" friends. Google it.

 

OM got the best deal : he got a lady who was willing to do anything for him,have sex with him any time,write him love sick e-mails,maybe ready to left her husband and kids for him.

Then he got wife at home who is willing to forgive him and put all his crap behind them.

 

Do the right thing and tell your Husband. He deserves to know. He is sharing his life with you. What more do you ask ???

[deadsoul]

deadsoul, just what did you expect would happen? Consider the facts, adultery is considered morally wrong in ever country in the world, it is condoned in every major religion on the planet. In Christianity it is the only deadly sin mentioned twice, once for doing it and once for thinking about doing it. We are all given the same advice at home, at school, in our places of worship from a very early age. Some of us listen, some of us think they are too entitled for these kinds of restrictions applying to them. How much bigger should the hint be not to do it?

 

I am not complaining that I'm dealing with the consequences I'm dealing with. I am owning it. Yes, maybe I was too entitled to listen to these kinds of restrictions. It's done. No one can beat me up more than I've beat myself up. So I'm not sure I understand your point here. Is it to tell me I should've known better? You are right. But telling me this now is too little too late (and unfortunately, I probably would not have listened.) I'm telling OP my experiences, just as everyone else is.

[deadsoul]

No offense, and gently, but isn't that exactly something that a cheater would say?

 

And yes, you're more likely, but less likely than you would have had you not confessed.

 

No offense taken. Well, seeing that I am a cheater, yes, it is something a cheater would say. But I don't believe I am any less likely to stray again because I've confessed. We may have to agree to disagree on this one because I don't feel that confessing is going to make me less likely to cheat again. I think that working on myself and figuring out why I did what I did and making changes for my future actions will keep me from doing that again.

[deadsoul]

As hard as it may be for you to hear this, there is much to respect about what you have done. The affair was selfish, but the way that you have handled yourself since the confession shows humility, strength of character, and integrity. Stay in this path, and I have to believe that your family will find healing...

 

The wise words that you share with others are always filled with humility, sensitivity, and the need to take personal responsibility. Much to respect indeed.

 

Thank you for this. I don't quite believe the words yet... but I have read them over and over again and want to believe them. I don't have much respect for myself right now, but I'm working on it.

[Mrs. John Adams]

If anyone else knows about your affair....then you forever run the risk that someone will tell your spouse.

 

It is much better that you tell your husband than someone else.

 

In addition...waywards who confess have a much better reconciliation success rate than those who do not.

 

It is my opinion...that you should tell your husband about your affair...but ultimately the decision is yours.

 

There are a few things I recommend for a wayward

 

One.....you will receive a lot of advice from folks on this forum. Take what applies to your situation and use it as you see fit....and simply disregard the rest. It will not all apply to you. Folks here mean well...but many are bitter angry betrayed spouses who like to take put their frustrations on wayward spouses.

 

Two...see a lawyer...find out your rights....see where you stand legally...if your husband should choose to divorce you.

 

Three...please read the book by Linda Macdonald...how to help your spouse heal from your affair. It is a step by step book on how to approach reconciliation.

 

Four....seek a good infidelity therapist

 

Five....become completely transparent to your spouse....tell him what you have done....but allow him to absorb what you are saying. Answer his questions honestly...but do not give more information than he can handle. He will ask you the specific things he wants to know.

 

Give him all of your passwords to all of your accounts ad devices so that he can see that your intentions are to help him through this process.

 

I cheated on my husband 33 years ago.....I have been where you are and I understand the panic and fear you are feeling. I wish you the best of luck.

[DKT3]

No offense taken. Well, seeing that I am a cheater, yes, it is something a cheater would say. But I don't believe I am any less likely to stray again because I've confessed. We may have to agree to disagree on this one because I don't feel that confessing is going to make me less likely to cheat again. I think that working on myself and figuring out why I did what I did and making changes for my future actions will keep me from doing that again.

 

I disagree. Cheating when your spouse doesn't know is one thing....Cheating while your spouse knows take a different level of cruelty...Most don't have it in them.

 

Confession made you accountable, confession makes it more difficult to sneak around.

 

So I believe for most confession does decrease the likelihood of future cheating, simply put most people aren't monsters.

[Life lessons]

First of all, good luck to you. Your question is going to get lots of mixed views here, as you've probably seen, but you're the one that knows your husband and ultimately it's you're choice on whether you're willing to inform him. I'm in the situation as well and I am making a choice, as of now, to not inform my H but your situation is entirely different than mine in regards to your A was with a MM and his wife and your friends know of the A. With that said, if I were in your situation, I would definitely confess considering the chances are high that your H will find out through other means. There's too many people involved and if I were you, that would worry me considering your friend has already told the MM's wife. Again, I wish you luck!

[harrybrown]

If I were you, I would find a way to tell him.

 

If he had an A, you would want to know. Go back and read your threads.

 

You are or were an addict for the OM. If he divorced his wife, would you run off with him?

 

One way to tell him is to write a timeline of the A and give it to him.

 

Then tell him that you still have feelings for the OM and want a D.

 

 

My friend went in to the Doctor. He found out that he had stds. His marriage blew up because his wife had an A and gave him diseases.

 

so get checked. Think back about how you were feeling about him. you made fun of him while in the A. You are still protecting the OM over your H. Stop being so mean to your H. He is your security now, but he was a joke during your A.

 

You have to hide behind the A wall that you created. You can not have intimacy with him because you have to hide the A.

 

Is that any way to treat someone that you might have cared for at one time, but now laugh at him behind his back?

 

I feel sorry for your H. send him to affair - recovery. com.

 

He will need it to get over your betrayal.

[LoveBug143]

Oh man.. that's a tough position to be in. If you feel like you're healing more and more, even if little by little... dont tell your husband. This can definitely kill your marriage. And i know that seems dishonorable but if you know deep down in your heart, you're done with the OM, then let it go, forgive yourself and move forward the best way you know how.

[GoldenR]

Oh man.. that's a tough position to be in. If you feel like you're healing more and more, even if little by little... dont tell your husband. This can definitely kill your marriage. And i know that seems dishonorable but if you know deep down in your heart, you're done with the OM, then let it go, forgive yourself and move forward the best way you know how.

 

Have you read her OW threads? All the OM would have to do is snap his fingers and she'd be back.

Edited February 25, 2017 by GoldenR

[DKT3]

Oh man.. that's a tough position to be in. If you feel like you're healing more and more, even if little by little... dont tell your husband. This can definitely kill your marriage. And i know that seems dishonorable but if you know deep down in your heart, you're done with the OM, then let it go, forgive yourself and move forward the best way you know how.

 

Screwing around is what kills marriages, not being honest with your spouse.

[Weezy1973]

The part of you that had the affair in the first place is the same part of you that now wants to keep it a secret.

 

If you're happy with that part of you, keep your affair a secret from your husband. If you're not happy with that part of you, and want to change, confess.

[Mr. Lucky]

Statistically speaking, if you fall on your sword and come clean and commit yourself to facing the issues head on and committing yourself to doing the heavy lifting required to repair the damage, your chances of saving the marriage and going on to have a happy and healthy marriage down the right are quite good.

 

And this is exactly the reason to disclose, it gives you the best chance for a successful marriage going forward.

 

Someone once told me, there are only two kinds of secrets. The little ones that are so small, it doesn't matter if you tell someone else. And the big ones that are so good, you can't wait to tell someone else.

 

The OM knows, his wife knows, your friend knows and I guarantee others do also. Be selfish in a good way - protect yourself by doing the right thing...

 

Mr. Lucky

[QuietDan]

First of all, good luck to you. Your question is going to get lots of mixed views here, as you've probably seen, but you're the one that knows your husband and ultimately it's you're choice on whether you're willing to inform him. I'm in the situation as well and I am making a choice, as of now, to not inform my H but your situation is entirely different than mine in regards to your A was with a MM and his wife and your friends know of the A. With that said, if I were in your situation, I would definitely confess considering the chances are high that your H will find out through other means. There's too many people involved and if I were you, that would worry me considering your friend has already told the MM's wife. Again, I wish you luck!

 

 

Your friend, may have already mentioned it to another person or two that she knows, a parent or as sibling, maybe a close friend or two. This is also the case for anyone else involved as well. The MM's wife, probable has discussed this with her support network of family and friends....

With all the stress about getting discovered, your affair partner may have also discussed his problems with a person or two in his personal support network. If any of those other people mention it to other people they know...

 

Where you always careful never to be seen with your affair partner during the entire affair?

[QuietDan]

What happens sometimes in cases like this... in about a year or two, someone who may have heard the rumors, or witnessed something, will assume that your husband already knows about the affair.

 

The assumption will be that all of this has been dealt with since you two are still together.

 

The assumption will also be that you two went through marriage therapy and the marriage is working its way through affair recovery.

 

In the course of a discussion, they might end up asking him if marriage counseling was helpful in dealing with the affair and working through the problems that led up to the affair.

[Jersey born raised]

Sometimes your first loss is the cheapest. I am not gong to tell you what to do. What I will tell you is use this time to prepare yourself.

[seren]

My H told me about his A, i might have discovered it, someone might have told me, but, he chose to tell me and for that, he had my respect. I knew how very hard it was for him to tell me, we had been together for over 20 yrs at the time, while I knew things weren't OK, an affair was the furthest thing from my mind. Even while he was saying the words I loved him and knew we would work this out. I had no doubt, sometimes love allows us to forgive even the most awful things, I hated what he had done, but I loved the man. We are 9 yrs from D Day and happy.

 

No one can say what is right or wrong for you, just what is the accepted 'right' for two people sharing a life, one believing the life shared is very different from the reality where an affair or secret is going on. There is never any justification for an affair, sure life gets tough, but having an affair just spreads the pain and always strikes me as being the most cowardly way to get through life, especially while saying ILY's to one while the other believes they are the only one. Compartmentalising has a lot to answer for. I wonder if you have thought about your coping skills, your actions that allowed you to try to escape by seeing another and then the whole chase and pick me dance you did after the affair ended. Is that truly over? If life throws you curve balls again have you developed better coping methods?

 

If you tell now you will face a turbulent few years, reconciling is bloody hard work, real hard work, my H is still struggling to accept he was 'That Man'. Your H might not want to reconcile, he might decide he is better off ending your marriage and starting again, or he might not. How you tell is key, and why you tell. If it is to resolve your guilt, that is very different from remorse and wanting your H to have the choice to decide if he can accept the affair, it is always the lies and breaking of trust that hurts the most and like Shattered Lady said, telling ends the BS thinking they have lost the plot. (my situation is so like hers).

 

So, If you decide to tell, then plan it, think about why, what he needs to know, please no blame on him, your marriage might have been broken, but the affair was all on you. One of the things I struggled with and still struggle with is that he tells me he loved me even while the A was ongoing, think about what might help him to understand, if you love him and want it to work, be prepared to be yelled at, to see that look of hurt and pain and fleeting hate cross his face. Think about what you can say to him to have him believe that you do love him, you do want this marriage to work and that yu are prepared to do anything to make that happen. I would also say to you, ask yourself if you truly love this man, if you are staying and hoping that it works out because you need him in your life and not just because leaving is harder than giving the gift of truth. Everyone should live an honest life based upon truth, it gives them informed choice and we all should have that. Obly you know your situation, some of us have come out the other side and others not, we are all damaged by our partners decision to have an affair rather than stay and try to sort it out or to leave. I hope it works out for both you and your H and we are here to help with the consequences.

[MIKEB1950]

i read your original post - hmm i thought that would be brave , she has done well;

 

further on I am thinking WHY did you post?

 

it seems all the advice and your response to it is probing for answers and affirmations you will not get nor deserve. Sometimes i even think "is this a college student looking for stuff for a thesis"?

 

Clearly you know the right thing to do otherwise you would not come here?

 

believe me you need to tell your husband because he will find out - and have you ever thought he might know already and is being extra nice and treating you better because he does not want to lose you. Is he the kind of man that could bury this and still live with it.

 

somebody said earlier that you are "continuing to disrespect your BH and playing him for a fool" that is absolutely right and whilst you do you have not cleansed the A from your body or soul without doing that there will always be the temptation to re-engage with the OM if you hit a hurdle or stumble with your BH

 

sure you have to have courage empathy and do the "outing" carefully ; there is enough people in here to help and guide you through that; the important thing is for you to want to -even if it means your family, friends and associates think differently of you - i mean there is no such thing as a free affair that's why some people choose not to have one.

 

the alternative is to give your husband a passage to a better and free life

do not tell him

but leave

and divorce him

[Darren Steez]

I have to disagree with this in my situation. Having the affair was a very selfish thing for me to do. And telling my BS did not make me feel better about myself, in fact I feel worse. I have to look at my BS and know that I caused his pain. How does that relieve mine? It doesn't. Not even a little bit. I have to look at my kids and I almost feel like Cersi in Game of Thrones when she walks naked through the city with that dumb chick yelling, "shame, shame, shame"

 

In a sense though, I am walking through it and holding my head high. This is who I am and this is what I've done. I have to own it.

 

This isn't about relieving your guilt or his.

 

You haven't really "owned" anything as this act is entirely not magnanimous in the slightest. Sort of like robbing a bank, spending the money then feeling guilty about it but hey you feel guilty and you've owned up to yourself that you feel guilty so everything is ok.

 

Yes you will have to look at your husband's face and see his pain, then if you're truly sorry and you've truly owned it then you will help him understand why you did what you did and show him that you are now the better person you profess to be.

 

You own to being selfish during the affair but not selfish for withholding truths that deny a human being the freedom of choice to determine the outcome of their life?

 

A tad bizarre, but if you see yourself and keep telling yourself you're some sort of hero, best of luck to you.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Darren, I was wondering whether you were addressing deadsoul or confusing in your post above? I should think dead soul IS doing all that you have mentioned in the latter part of your post so I guess she complies with what you expect of her. Because she has been honest with her husband is is also remorseful and doing the heavy lifting as they say, to help her husband to heal, there is a chance that she and her husband may be able to recover their marriage. It may happen or it may not, however, at this stage by all indications, there is a good possibility that they may be able to successfully recover their marriage.

 

In the case of Confusing the story is very different. She wants to recover her marriage but wants to do so while not confessing to her husband. That, too, may be possible but the chances for success in my opinion are much less. One cannot carry such a huge elephant in the room on one's back singlehandedly, living out a lie in one's marriage, where one partner knows the enormity of their transgression whereas the other is blissfully unaware of anything being wrong. As I said she may be able to carry it to her grave as I guess has happened before in numerous cases which do not see the light of day, but nevertheless are right there in our midst. However, the burden of guilt will constantly gnaw at her conscience and, if nothing else, she may give herself away inadvertently by talking in her sleep or letting it slip in some conversation or even throwing it in her husband's face during a heated argument sometime in the future. Apart from that, it isn't as if she is the only person who knows of her transgressions. Her OM, his wife and a friend of hers know about it and human beings being what they are are likely to spill the beans in the future at some inconvenient point of time. So I guess what you were saying was probably directed at Confusing and not deadsoul.

 

Confusing, I didn't get why you came here asking a question you had already decided on how you were going to answer. If you don't want to confess to your husband you are well within your rights to do so and you don't need the opinion of some anonymous internet group of people to confirm or refute your decision. Once you come to a forum of this kind with your questions you will get a host of differing opinions which are likely to leave you confused as your moniker suggests. Some people on here have confirmed your decision for you so I guess you have the answer you want. Wish you the very best.

[usa1ah]

Thank you everyone.

 

From all your comments, I learned more about how badly thing will turn out if my husband finds out himself instead of me telling him.

 

However, while I agree with you all, I also have two questions:

a. What if he never finds out ?

 

In a post on this forum about a man's wife confessed and everybody in the comments seemed like to be shocked, everybody was asking "Why would she confess? ", so to me, it seems like everybody in real life will NOT choose to confess if the spouse does not know about the affair, instinctively.

Seems like everybody on the internet wants to act like a perfect person has perfect personality, who gives the most perfect in the most moral way suggestion. Am I right, or wrong ?

No offense to anybody who commented in my post, I truly appreciate everybody and really have had a better sense of the mistake I made.

 

b. How the damage to him will do differently exactly between the two different ways ?

So if I tell him, the worst thing is divorce, bad reputation of me among friends, family, neighbors, kids' school, etc.,

If I don't tell him and let him finds out some time in the future, (I mean, it's been 6 months, nothing ever happened, husband has been treating me better in many ways, he's been saying he's lucky to have me, so it means he does not have any clue - I still feel guilty but it's not enough reason to reveal everything to risk everything - the aftermath is terrifying) , the aftermath will be the same on the surface.

 

In a perfect world, I would tell him everything right now and let the chips fall where they may.

 

 

I don't know...

It's killing me, seems like I keep going back and forth.

 

He only thinks this because you decided to be a wife again. Don't fool yourself, he knew something was up. Now you are being a loving wife that has actually played him the fool.

[usa1ah]

Hi, I actually have read your post very carefully, and I actually have got a better view from your insight feelings.

 

I'm sorry for what's happening to you.

 

What you stated above in bold, my marriage could relate, my husband and I started having all kinds of disagreements and fights and distance for who knows what reasons - it was before my A - I actually intentionally looking for someone to hold onto BECAUSE of all the fights - which is the most common reason why people cheat, I guess.

 

Anyway, as I read in your post about how you are suffering, I surly don't want my husband to go through it, and I don't want myself to go through all the crappies - I am willing to create a new self - it's not easy - especially in a long run - but I'm willing to focus - I'm doing it - on my marriage - live with guilty, at this moment - actually is a motivation - to treat my husband as best as I can.

 

And if that's what makes him happy, and treat me better in return, I don't see why I should tell him everything to destroy everything. We had struggled a lot try to fix the marriage for a long time - but never worked.

 

I mean will it really worth it to build the trust issue in his heart for the next 50, 60 years in his life - no matter I will be still in his life ? Or it's actually better to improve myself - to be a decent wife ?

 

One question, during the time that you and your BH started fighting, were you and the POSOM friends and talking already?