Not sure what to think [UPDATE: She contacted him]

[aileD]

Thanks guys. I don't feel bad about the relief and closure he got---like Ronni said I think it was a good thing and it probably set him free a little and not even knowing he needed it. We talked a long time about it and he was very open. I'm not even upset about the hour thing. Their "talks" in the past have been marathon 4-8 hour things. An hour is nothing. Actually more proof it was innocent. He made it clear that seeing her didn't make him change his mind or want to be with her again. He said it was good to see she was happy, and eye opener that her life isn't ruined just because he dumped her and that it's only been 6 months and she's moving on nicely.

 

That part feels Okay to me. The thing that's bothering me is him actually seeing her and being in her presence. It's depressing me. I hate that he was near her. I'm sure there was probably a hug involved. I hate that she put him in a position where was caught unaware. I hate that she's friends with the boss, I hate that the boss talked about me like that, and I hate that there's a connection between the three of them where If my H says anything about his marriage to his boss it COULD potentially get back to OW and I dont want anyone knowing stuff about our life (that one just came to me now I have to talk to him about that). I hate that she could just show up there at any time again if she wanted to. I hate that I'm suspicious again even though he's being open. I hate that I'm wondering "hmmm it's been six months, was this planned? Did they have a six month agreement to check in??" I hate that I'm thinking she could contact him at work via the boss.

 

Just want to move away from all this crap

Edited February 25, 2017 by aileD

[Ronni_W]

aileD,

 

(I know you already know this, but...) The stuff that's bothering you now, is stuff that HE cannot control and that YOU cannot control; it's stuff that neither of you will ever be able to control -- so, it's really more having to come to terms with this fact of reality.

 

I get that there is uncertainty and insecurity around all the possibilities and potentials of what 'could happen' -- but future-worry ain't gonna be your friend, right? .

 

I mean...you could move to Timbuktu and she could still show up there one week or ten years down the road. And, people are gonna talk if they want to talk - and they'll even make up 'fake news' about you and your marriage if they want to talk about you and there's no real/true news. HE cannot control this and YOU cannot control this.

 

He CAN control - and he must - that he no longer speaks with or confides in his boss about anything at all to do with his personal, private life outside of work and that is not directly related to his attendance or performance at work.

 

Far less easy to take back control over your own mindset and emotions to the point where the things that bother you now will no longer feel like a threat. But, you must.

 

Hugs,

Ronni

Edited February 25, 2017 by Ronni_W
grammar

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

The email being up and a meeting for an hour in the parking lot do not compute to me. There is absolutely no reason for your Hudsvand to conduct an hour long conversation with his former mistress.

 

Think of this: when was the last time you had an hour long one to one conversation with a friend without any interruption ( like a waiter or eating or shopping)

 

Time your next uninterrupted talk with a friend. An hour is a LONG time.

[aileD]

The email being up and a meeting for an hour in the parking lot do not compute to me. There is absolutely no reason for your Hudsvand to conduct an hour long conversation with his former mistress.

 

Think of this: when was the last time you had an hour long one to one conversation with a friend without any interruption ( like a waiter or eating or shopping)

 

Time your next uninterrupted talk with a friend. An hour is a LONG time.

 

An hour is nothing in the context of their previous meetings. Now if it continues or she shows up again then we are going to have a problem. They caught up, agreed everyone was ok with the way things are now, there should be no reason to ever speak again.

 

Hubby is getting an email from me tonight about his boss.

[aileD]

Also in my opinion, I think it was good for H to see that she's moving on and dating and not wallowing around suicidal and whatever because they're not together. It is a reality check and takes the fantasy and star crossed lovers Romeo and Juliet Feeling you get with an affair out of the picture. Like okay. It's only been six months and she's already getting serious with another guy. You arent that special, dude. All that hell we went through for almost two years was all gotten over in less than six months.

 

Reality check

[elaine567]

I did talk to him this morning about why he's been quiet and if we were ok. He said we are okay and doing good.

He said he hates coming to work because he's got to drive thru literally all the places him and xAP parked in their cars and did whatever. He doesn't like going into that area where he could drive by her, he doesn't like being in the office because her name is all over accounts, and that countered with his accountant just quit and they couldn't find a replacement fast enough so now he's got to take that on and he's probably not getting a raise for it.

 

I guess he knew then he was going to meet her in the parking lot.

This is too big a coincidence.

He mentions to you the place where they parked their cars and "did whatever" and suddenly a few days later she shows up again in that very parking lot...

I guess it was pre-arranged, and he was bursting to tell someone and you inadvertently became that person.

He was quiet I guess because he was up to something and didn't want to let the game away but he did so anyway...

He then is all transparent and tells you it was a chance meeting, just in case you would find out...

 

I don't feel bad about the relief and closure he got

YOU may believe he got closure, personally I don't,

and as for whether he got some "relief"... only they know that.

 

I am sorry but I would not trust him an inch here.

[aileD]

I guess he knew then he was going to meet her in the parking lot.

This is too big a coincidence.

He mentions to you the place where they parked their cars and "did whatever" and suddenly a few days later she shows up again in that very parking lot...

I guess it was pre-arranged, and he was bursting to tell someone and you inadvertently became that person.

He was quiet I guess because he was up to something and didn't want to let the game away but he did so anyway...

He then is all transparent and tells you it was a chance meeting, just in case you would find out...

 

The driving to work thing has been a constant since the beginning of NC. It's not something that just came up.

 

Maybe it was planned. I don't know. I didn't get that feeling. But you're right he was quiet recently.

 

YOU may believe he got closure, personally I don't,

and as for whether he got some "relief"... only they know tha

 

I am sorry but I would not trust him an inch here.

 

This is what he told me. I believed him and he seemed sincere and it made sense.. But I'm not stupid, I know how to figure things out and I will be keeping my guard up amd my spidey senses aware for awhile

[Mr. Lucky]

To be honest, it sounds like this was a good thing -- a Blessing in disguise, if you will (if not just a straight-up Blessing).

 

There seems to have been things in his mind that were still nagging at him -- NOTHING to do with his feelings for you and about his marriage; to me, sounds more like just having come from a place within himself, of 'neutral/objective compassion'. But, after this encounter, he is now free of all of that and he no longer has to keep any of it

in his 'random access memory'-mind.

 

That HE feels that he finally has 'relief' and 'closure' surely is a very good thing, yes? It would suggest or indicate that he is feeling free from this past and can

now be more-fully present and move into the future with more inner peace and more confidently.

 

Boy, couldn't disagree more.

 

"Closure" is one thing a WS gives us when he goes NC with his AP, hopefully realizing it's a very small price to pay to reconnect with a spouse. In this situation, chatting the OW up for an hour is the same cake eating mentality that enabled the affair in the first place. It speaks to a lack of boundaries and an absence of consideration for the BS. In short, it's just more of the same - prioritizing what he wants over what his wife needs.

 

If this was a test, he failed it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

And is not all this moping about like a love-sick teenager not a tad disrespectful to you?

[Whoknew30]

On this thread you called another poster, naive. Well I've been married for 20 years & have been through both of us having A & I honestly think you're being extremely naive.

 

My honest opinion is you're obsessed with your H like he has been with his AP. 100% comprehend trying to save your marriage & thinking that's what you're supposed to do but at what point do you hold on to your self respect as a woman?

 

Who said he's been unhappy for 20 years to his boss? Wether he told OW or his boss, it came from him & then he sits there for an hour talking about it with her & you think that transparency, absolutely not. Had it been a couple of mins, how are you & then a realization he had to go but he's throwing in it your face that he stayed for an hour & you praise him bc it wasn't 3/4 hours?

 

You're not being supportive, you're being an enabler. Honestly, IMO you're being desperate for your own marriage & it's really sad. I watched my mom, grandmother & multiple aunts do this & it's not noble, it's just sad & degrading. He tells you this not to be transparent but bc you'll put up with it & he knows you're not going anywhere bc you've made it known you're not... actually it's almost abusive bc he knows he can get away with it...maybe he's not the weak one, kind of sounds like he preys on your weakness & love.

 

I personally think any person is better than continuing to fight for a relationship that the other person isn't really fighting for but just settling back to bc they know they can do whatever they want & their spouse will be there to pick up the pieces...he got to to connect with her & you got to be the clean up person for the emotions he feels for her...it's really not cool.

[Ronni_W]

I didn't get that feeling.

aileD,

 

We are all here, no doubt, well-meaning and sincere in our personal ways of offering our support; however, it's also necessarily through our own filters of our own experiences and how we processed and came out on the other side of them.

 

You are your own best and highest authority of yourself. Trust your own feelings and intuition about your own husband and marriage <-- is the best I can offer.

 

Wishing you and your husband all the happiness in the world,

Ronni

[aileD]

I personally think any person is better than continuing to fight for a relationship that the other person isn't really fighting for but just settling back to bc they know they can do whatever they want & their spouse will be there to pick up the pieces...he got to to connect with her & you got to be the clean up person for the emotions he feels for her...it's really not cool.

 

I have to defend him here, he IS fighting for our relationship. He is going to counseling alone and together, reading books on connection and basically whatever the therapist suggests; he has gotten closer to god and seeks out answers through god, he is working on himself and what made him the type of man to do this, and we are going to a marriage connection weekend thing at the end of March.

 

Could he have said "get away from me" when she showed up at his work? Yes. But he didn't, he talked to her , he got closure . Who am I to judge someone else's closure? Y'all may think I'm a pathetic codependent doormat but I'm not. We talk about everything and we are working thru it. Our marriage wasn't great before this and it's not great now and it's going to take a lot of time to not only get over the affair but to deal with all the other underlying problems in our marriage. He chose to stay and to work on our marriage and he didn't need to make that choice. It wasn't the easier choice, we have a lot of crap to deal with. He could have went off into the sunset with someone who made him feel good and didn't force him to confront his past. But he didn't. I dont think I'm pathetic for trying to work this out.

 

He talked to her. It is what it is. I can't change it. He did what he thought was right and he told me and we talked about how it made him feel and hoenit made me feel.

 

People give up too easy in marriage. It's not about individuals, it's about us both together. I do see changes in him. He's not perfect. He knows he's selfish. He knows he didn't serve me as a husband should, you can't change things Overnight and I would rather go thru all he hell of hashing every little thing out from every angle than sweep it all under the rug and go on with a fake sense of okayness.

 

I share my insecurities here and I do value your opinions and I take everything to heart....but I also havent said anything here that I haven't said to my husband. I may say it here first to work thru it in my mind and get ther views, but I am not hiding anything

 

At least he's honest with me. He has a wall up against me because he feels I hurt him and rejected him earlier in our marriage. He's had a hard time letting that wall down. He's honest about that and he's doing a lot of work and searching and trying to figure out how to break that wall down so that we can heal all around

 

Some people don't get that. Yeah it hurts to have him say and feel that way but I'd rather it be in the open then he just not say anything and go thru the motions. It's WORK. It's hard work

Edited February 26, 2017 by aileD

[whichwayisup]

Now, I don't know if this is something new or just old sh*t coming up on auto fill.

 

Do a google check on this, but I thought if you don't use a certain name in many months it just disappears automatically.

 

The timing of it all is questionable, even more so since you said your gut was talking to you, something felt 'off'. Then by chance she sees him in the parking lot and they talk for an hour? You have every right not to believe him 100%.

 

When exactly was their 'last' contact before this recent 'accidental' bump into one another? Also, did he truly need that closure? After 6 months?

 

Anyway I do hope that's the end of it and from now on there's no more contact. there's NO reason for anymore talking for one minute let alone an hour.

 

I don't want to see your marriage end, but I'm afraid that you're so loyal and you still love him so much that if there's another incident whether it be an email, a text, a call or an accidental run in you'll still stay with him. Eventually he HAS to be the man who says NO to his exOW and put you first. Knowing that he has to put your needs above his and realize even looking her way let alone talking to her is from now putting your marriage (again) at risk.

 

Hope that makes sense.

[Ronni_W]

; he has gotten closer to god and seeks out answers through god,

Hi, aileD.

I hope things are feeling bright and optimistic this morning! <'Sun' emoticon>

 

This is a spiritual Discourse - Foundational Teachings on Marriage and Divorce - from which your husband and/or you may find something useful.

 

In Love and Light.

Ronni

[wmacbride]

If you really believe that this meeting with his ow was just a "one off" and it will never happen again, then trust your gut feeling. Just make sure you are seeing what's really there and you aren't just seeing what you want to see.

 

Did he mention whether or not he told her that he doesn't want to see her again, and any future contact from her will not be welcomed? If he did, and if she makes another attempt at contact, what is his plan?

 

In your shoes, I would sit down with him to discuss a plan for what he will do if she tries to reach out to him again in any way. Given her nature, and that she's already tried to contact him, I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her. hopefully, she'll move on, but if she doesn't, what steps will he take?

[elaine567]

I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her.

 

Maybe not, but he didn't exactly run away screaming "I love my wife, leave me alone" did he?

[aileD]

If you really believe that this meeting with his ow was just a "one off" and it will never happen again, then trust your gut feeling. Just make sure you are seeing what's really there and you aren't just seeing what you want to see.

 

Did he mention whether or not he told her that he doesn't want to see her again, and any future contact from her will not be welcomed? If he did, and if she makes another attempt at contact, what is his plan?

 

In your shoes, I would sit down with him to discuss a plan for what he will do if she tries to reach out to him again in any way. Given her nature, and that she's already tried to contact him, I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her. hopefully, she'll move on, but if she doesn't, what steps will he take?

 

 

I can't remember if he said anything about "next time" as a possibility but we do have to sit down and talk there were things I didn't ask and need to know and that's one of them . I was too in shock to think clearly but now I have I have more questions

[EZNona]

I can't remember if he said anything about "next time" as a possibility but we do have to sit down and talk there were things I didn't ask and need to know and that's one of them . I was too in shock to think clearly but now I have I have more questions

 

Yes! How to deal with the next time needs to be discussed and handled thoroughly.

 

My whole problem with this is not that he saw the ex-OW. There are just some things you can't control. The problem I see is that your husband has a bad case of being, what I call, an 'habitual line stepper'. Which means he has a bad habit of stepping over boundaries which can prove detrimental to any relationship.

 

You have become so sympathetic and empathetic to his affair that you are making statements like "Who am I to judge someone else's closure?"

 

That statement was a bit shocking and very telling about the dynamic that has been created between you two. That would be a normal thing to say under the confinements of a regular relationship that has just broken up, but no one should feel that way within a context of a marriage. Your partner shouldn't need closure because the affair should not have happened. His closure trumps your emotional well-being?? I don't think so.

 

And that brings me back to the problem I see here. Your husband didn't stop that conversation with his previous OW. He let it carry on for an hour which is a extremely long time. The fact that they used to have 3-4 hour long sessions before is irrelevant here because that shouldn't have happened either. Minimizing his bad behavior doesn't help you or him.

 

You are willing to be sympathetic and emphatic about his affair, but he is showing that he is not as sympathetic and empathetic to what you are going through by engaging with his ex-OW for an hour. Your husband should have stopped that conversation once it ran past the 5-10 minute mark for no other reason but to say to himself "This meetup right now would hurt my wife. I should leave. Right Now" and just say his goodbyes and drive away.

 

And that's the issue I see here. His inability at times to see how his boundary crossings have great potential of hurt towards you. And I think it's 100% okay for you to express to him that the conversation carried on for way too long and that it should not happen again in the future. Who knows what the ex-OW will do moving forward. Who would want to worry about if or when the next time the ex-OW pops up again and how he would handle it?

 

I do hope you guys can move away soon too. The current environment is not beneficial to you and your husband's recovery and reconciliation efforts.

 

I'm wishing you guys lots of luck...I'm really rooting for you!

[aileD]

Yes! How to deal with the next time needs to be discussed and handled thoroughly.

 

My whole problem with this is not that he saw the ex-OW. There are just some things you can't control. The problem I see is that your husband has a bad case of being, what I call, an 'habitual line stepper'. Which means he has a bad habit of stepping over boundaries which can prove detrimental to any relationship.

 

You have become so sympathetic and empathetic to his affair that you are making statements like "Who am I to judge someone else's closure?"

 

That statement was a bit shocking and very telling about the dynamic that has been created between you two. That would be a normal thing to say under the confinements of a regular relationship that has just broken up, but no one should feel that way within a context of a marriage. Your partner shouldn't need closure because the affair should not have happened. His closure trumps your emotional well-being?? I don't think so.

 

And that brings me back to the problem I see here. Your husband didn't stop that conversation with his previous OW. He let it carry on for an hour which is a extremely long time. The fact that they used to have 3-4 hour long sessions before is irrelevant here because that shouldn't have happened either. Minimizing his bad behavior doesn't help you or him.

 

You are willing to be sympathetic and emphatic about his affair, but he is showing that he is not as sympathetic and empathetic to what you are going through by engaging with his ex-OW for an hour. Your husband should have stopped that conversation once it ran past the 5-10 minute mark for no other reason but to say to himself "This meetup right now would hurt my wife. I should leave. Right Now" and just say his goodbyes and drive away.

 

And that's the issue I see here. His inability at times to see how his boundary crossings have great potential of hurt towards you. And I think it's 100% okay for you to express to him that the conversation carried on for way too long and that it should not happen again in the future. Who knows what the ex-OW will do moving forward. Who would want to worry about if or when the next time the ex-OW pops up again and how he would handle it?

 

I do hope you guys can move away soon too. The current environment is not beneficial to you and your husband's recovery and reconciliation efforts.

 

I'm wishing you guys lots of luck...I'm really rooting for you!

 

 

This was a good post. Thank you

[cocorico]

 

 

My whole problem with this is not that he saw the ex-OW. There are just some things you can't control. The problem I see is that your husband has a bad case of being, what I call, an 'habitual line stepper'. Which means he has a bad habit of stepping over boundaries which can prove detrimental to any relationship.

 

You have become so sympathetic and empathetic to his affair that you are making statements like "Who am I to judge someone else's closure?"

 

That statement was a bit shocking and very telling about the dynamic that has been created between you two. That would be a normal thing to say under the confinements of a regular relationship that has just broken up, but no one should feel that way within a context of a marriage. Your partner shouldn't need closure because the affair should not have happened. His closure trumps your emotional well-being?? I don't think so.

 

And that brings me back to the problem I see here. Your husband didn't stop that conversation with his previous OW. He let it carry on for an hour which is a extremely long time. The fact that they used to have 3-4 hour long sessions before is irrelevant here because that shouldn't have happened either. Minimizing his bad behavior doesn't help you or him.

 

You are willing to be sympathetic and emphatic about his affair, but he is showing that he is not as sympathetic and empathetic to what you are going through by engaging with his ex-OW for an hour. Your husband should have stopped that conversation once it ran past the 5-10 minute mark for no other reason but to say to himself "This meetup right now would hurt my wife. I should leave. Right Now" and just say his goodbyes and drive away.

 

Ailed, I get that you want to save your M. But my question is, at what point does the cost become to high _to you_? Is there such a point, or will you just keep forgiving and excusing anything he does because, well, he had a tough childhood?

 

You've already forgive two As, one of which was a LTA where he moved out and lived in a car with her. That's a lot to forgive. But it doesn't stop there. He has been doing some work - mostly reading, IIRC, and some counselling - but he hasn't been bending over backward to reassure you, to make you feel secure in the M, to do everything he needs to do to convince you that the most recent OW is totally history - and that there will be no other OW ever again. Right now, it's still all about him, and frankly it seems to me that you're all treating him with kid gloves and using his bad childhood as a get-out-of-jail-free card so that he can cross the line again and again, and you'll simply forgive, and understand, and carry on as before.

 

What would be too much for you? What line in the sand have you drawn and told him, this would be to much for me to forgive? Do you have one, and does he know what it is? I just worry that even moving away won't fix this for you. That he knows next time he crosses a line, he can just wallow in his abusive childhood and you'll go right back into making-him-better mode, and he won't be held accountable for his behaviour again.

 

I'm not minimising his abuse - but it shouldn't be a get-out-of-jail-free card forever. Many people survive abuse, and abuse does not relieve anyone of the responsibility for their own actions. He was abused, sure - but that does not give him the right to continue abusing you in this way - your trust, your love, your goodwill. At some point, he has to stand up and say, I'm not willing to be an abuser any longer, and I'll do everything in my power to make reparations to those I've abused. It strikes me that he's a long way from that point, still. He's still seeing himself as the victim, rather than the abuser. And you're so caught up in wanting to fix him, you're unwilling to recognise the abuse you continue to allow - and to draw a line and insist he respect that - and you.

 

Please recognise that your value is not only in fixing him, in being a healer. You have intrinsic value as a person, not just as a role.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Ailed, I get that you want to save your M. But my question is, at what point does the cost become to high _to you_? Is there such a point, or will you just keep forgiving and excusing anything he does because, well, he had a tough childhood?

 

You've already forgive two As, one of which was a LTA where he moved out and lived in a car with her. That's a lot to forgive. But it doesn't stop there. He has been doing some work - mostly reading, IIRC, and some counselling - but he hasn't been bending over backward to reassure you, to make you feel secure in the M, to do everything he needs to do to convince you that the most recent OW is totally history - and that there will be no other OW ever again. Right now, it's still all about him, and frankly it seems to me that you're all treating him with kid gloves and using his bad childhood as a get-out-of-jail-free card so that he can cross the line again and again, and you'll simply forgive, and understand, and carry on as before.

 

What would be too much for you? What line in the sand have you drawn and told him, this would be to much for me to forgive? Do you have one, and does he know what it is? I just worry that even moving away won't fix this for you. That he knows next time he crosses a line, he can just wallow in his abusive childhood and you'll go right back into making-him-better mode, and he won't be held accountable for his behaviour again.

 

I'm not minimising his abuse - but it shouldn't be a get-out-of-jail-free card forever. Many people survive abuse, and abuse does not relieve anyone of the responsibility for their own actions. He was abused, sure - but that does not give him the right to continue abusing you in this way - your trust, your love, your goodwill. At some point, he has to stand up and say, I'm not willing to be an abuser any longer, and I'll do everything in my power to make reparations to those I've abused. It strikes me that he's a long way from that point, still. He's still seeing himself as the victim, rather than the abuser. And you're so caught up in wanting to fix him, you're unwilling to recognise the abuse you continue to allow - and to draw a line and insist he respect that - and you.

 

Please recognise that your value is not only in fixing him, in being a healer. You have intrinsic value as a person, not just as a role.

 

I had an extremely abusive childhood but that doesn't mean I get to be a bad person as an adult. There are loads of people who have been sexually abused who don't treat their spouses like dirt. As you rightly point out, it's an excuse. And if it wasn't that I have a feeling OP would find another excuse or worse yet blame a perceived short coming of her own for his behavior

 

Please also don't talk about bringing God into the marriage. God has nothing to do with him doing what he wants.

 

There is still a part of you living in reality because you are spying on him tracking his mobile somehow. Once can be forgiven, twice makes you a fool. The hour long talk in the parking lot was beyond the pale and you rug sweeping it as "closure" is absolutely out of this world.

 

I hope you are in IC to figure yourself out and so you can learn to love and respect yourself because you sure don't seem to bow.

[BTDT2012]

aileD, your marriage is not more important than you. An hour conversation is NOT a good thing. It is good that he told you. He is not putting you first, so you have to put you first.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Thanks guys. I don't feel bad about the relief and closure he got---like Ronni said I think it was a good thing and it probably set him free a little and not even knowing he needed it. We talked a long time about it and he was very open. I'm not even upset about the hour thing. Their "talks" in the past have been marathon 4-8 hour things. An hour is nothing. Actually more proof it was innocent. He made it clear that seeing her didn't make him change his mind or want to be with her again. He said it was good to see she was happy, and eye opener that her life isn't ruined just because he dumped her and that it's only been 6 months and she's moving on nicely.

 

That part feels Okay to me. The thing that's bothering me is him actually seeing her and being in her presence. It's depressing me. I hate that he was near her. I'm sure there was probably a hug involved. I hate that she put him in a position where was caught unaware. I hate that she's friends with the boss, I hate that the boss talked about me like that, and I hate that there's a connection between the three of them where If my H says anything about his marriage to his boss it COULD potentially get back to OW and I dont want anyone knowing stuff about our life (that one just came to me now I have to talk to him about that). I hate that she could just show up there at any time again if she wanted to. I hate that I'm suspicious again even though he's being open. I hate that I'm wondering "hmmm it's been six months, was this planned? Did they have a six month agreement to check in??" I hate that I'm thinking she could contact him at work via the boss.

 

Just want to move away from all this crap

 

Okay, take this with a grain of salt as it is coming from a fWW - a woman who had an affair, and we all know women in affairs are different then men in affairs. BUT. I truly do not feel that closure, within affairs, is attainable in anyway. That is one of the difficulties of ending affairs is there are always unresolved feelings and 'talking' it out and trying to get closure never works it only manages to intensify feelings (even ones that have been doormat). The thing about limerence is when someone knows the other person well they usually know the right things to say to pull that person back into it.

 

I am not saying this happened but i am saying be cautious. There is no need to have conversations with your fAP unless of course you had a kid together but for anything else it is an excuse - your mind bargaining that you need closure when in reality you just want your 'hit' of your drug.

 

I remember times after my xAP and I would go a couple of months without talking- then we would sit down and have a conversation, as friends of course,- the feeling of talking with him again after that long was seriously close to the feeling of being on the best drugs. Then after the conversation even without contact I would think about what was said for hours and hours (obsess) over it - and I would think 'what if i had said this', or that, and crap I better let him know that or what will he think- and the next thing you know the cycle has begun again. and again. again. - wash, rinse, repeat as we like to say.

 

Closure HAS to come from within - especially in the case of affairs.

[Lady Hamilton]

Who am I to judge someone else's closure?

 

That someone else's wife.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Okay, take this with a grain of salt as it is coming from a fWW - a woman who had an affair, and we all know women in affairs are different then men in affairs. BUT. I truly do not feel that closure, within affairs, is attainable in anyway. That is one of the difficulties of ending affairs is there are always unresolved feelings and 'talking' it out and trying to get closure never works it only manages to intensify feelings (even ones that have been doormat). The thing about limerence is when someone knows the other person well they usually know the right things to say to pull that person back into it.

 

I am not saying this happened but i am saying be cautious. There is no need to have conversations with your fAP unless of course you had a kid together but for anything else it is an excuse - your mind bargaining that you need closure when in reality you just want your 'hit' of your drug.

 

I remember times after my xAP and I would go a couple of months without talking- then we would sit down and have a conversation, as friends of course,- the feeling of talking with him again after that long was seriously close to the feeling of being on the best drugs. Then after the conversation even without contact I would think about what was said for hours and hours (obsess) over it - and I would think 'what if i had said this', or that, and crap I better let him know that or what will he think- and the next thing you know the cycle has begun again. and again. again. - wash, rinse, repeat as we like to say.

 

Closure HAS to come from within - especially in the case of affairs.

 

I agree with this 100%. I'm sorry but I am also a fww and on two occasions over 2016 I also had conversations with xmm in the parking lot. They were always very heavy conversations and maybe 10-15 minutes tops. You can't stand in a parking lot for an hour, plus I don't know where you live but it's February. I would wonder if they sat in one of their cars for this conversation.

 

The act of parking next to him to talk to him tells me that she was not looking for closure, more to feel him out to see where he was in his life. Closure comes from within and a conversation for an hour would open it all up all over again. There is no way she did that for closure. Not to mention the fact that it is a highly aggressive move. I couldn't imagine approaching xmm in a million years.

 

I also find it a huge coincidence that the email and the parking lot happened at the same time. I am not a big believer in coincidences. The bottom line is that you need to be really careful here and not so trusting. Everyone lies in these situations.