Not sure what to think [UPDATE: She contacted him]

[Lemonbar]

This is a ridiculous thing to say. Her husband has cheated with several different people and ran off with some teenager, and eventually came back but is still pouting about missing the chick. He doesn't deserve "respect", he deserves to have his ass monitored because he's a cheating sketchball and he needs to prove himself to her.

 

I say that as someone who cheated on my husband too. Had we decided to reconcile, I would certainly expect him to keep an eye on me.

 

Anyway aileD I hope your conversation goes well.

I had no idea of the extent of the situation as I did not take the time to read into it fully. I stand corrected and apologize for offering advice and not knowing the severity. Why are you staying? If you want it to work for yourself and you can't leave then how can you expect to have a marriage if you aren't willing to respect or trust him? I am certainly not suggesting that he deserves that, but I am just curious if you think you can ever trust him again or WANT to. If the answer is no, then why are you wasting your time?

[Ronni_W]

Thing is that they had so many fake email accounts and I know they just abandoned them instead of shutting them down.

aileD, that's all the more reason to think that the email account to authenticate any 'forgot PW' queries was just left and abandoned, as well. (At that time,

one of them would have had to remember to change this; I'm not sure if it is something that would have come to mind?)

I just want to make sure I word things the right way when I talk to him. I dont want to come of as accusatory or assuming the worst. I'm thinking of just saying,

"I know we've been good lately and I'm happy where we are and with our progress. But the rebuilding of trust isn't fully there yet and Something came up and I wanted to talk to you about it so I don't jump to conclusions. "

That sounds quite perfect, really -- sane and calm and loving and supportive...it would be really difficult to interpret as accusatory in any way.

 

I get the part about wanting to set the proper mood for the conversation -- as long as you are not 'freaking out', then that is the most important thing. .

 

Wishing you a super-happy Sunday!

[MidnightBlue1980]

I never use the internet browser on my phone for gmail. There is an app but with the app, there is no password. It just opens and links all your accounts. I would look for the app on his phone.

[EZNona]

 

I just want to make sure I word things the right way when I talk to him. I dont want to come of as accusatory or assuming the worst. I'm thinking of just saying, "I know we've been good lately and I'm happy where we are and with our progress. But the rebuilding of trust isn't fully there yet and Something came up and I wanted to talk to you about it so I don't jump to conclusions. "

 

I actually am not really freaking out. I know he's not in touch with her. I can just tell. All thru the A and false R, I could always tell when he's talking to her. He's not a good liar and he avoids direct answers when he's not being truthful.

He's been understanding of his position and my feelings and helpful in the past when I've had questions.

 

 

 

I think the above dialogue you have planned sounds great! I just wouldn't wait until Sunday to have it. I noticed that you are treating him as if he's the victim here. Treating him as if he were a child...walking on eggshells to not rock the boat too much.

 

You are the one who will be thinking and wondering about this for the next few days, not him. You are worried about being wrong when you should be happy to be wrong if that turns out to be the case.

 

I've been there before where I was worried I would be wrong for thinking something is going down when it really wasn't. But, here's the thing...if your partner loves you and wants you to feel safe, they will willingly show you what you need to know and see. They will understand your concern because of the history.

 

If you're wrong, then you can breathe a sigh of relief and tell him "Thank you for helping me to trust you again" with a kiss and a hug.

Waiting 3 more days only gives you wasted time to think, think, think.

[imsosad]

I'm not sure why you're second guessing yourself so much. You are not crazy. If you husband had a perfect track record,yes. I'd tell you to calm down. Given his history, you are rightfully triggered by a suspicious email account.

I don't see why you you're walking on egg shells.

If he's over the affair and committed to R, trying to get to the bttom of this will not bring her back to your lives. If something is going on, or if he still misses her, it's on his mind anyway.

Why all this spiralling? Why are you so anxious about asking him?

You are 100% justified. He has cheated on you more than once. He's done false R. He should be all over the place putting your mind at ease, yet here you are so concerned about offending him. He earned this.

I hope this turns out to be 100% nothing, I really do. I will say I felt uneasy reading how you're going around in circles trying to convince yourself it's nothing. You shouldn't go through this anxiety yourself. He should be there with you, assuring and reassuring you.

Good luck.

[deadsoul]

I wouldn't let it fester. It could be nothing. Bottom line is, it is making you anxious. Calmly approach him about it and have that discussion. I wouldn't wait until Sunday.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I wouldn't let it fester. It could be nothing. Bottom line is, it is making you anxious. Calmly approach him about it and have that discussion. I wouldn't wait until Sunday.

 

I agree. I would have woken him up that moment and caught him unaware. The surprise attack is always the best.

[aileD]

Why are you staying? If you want it to work for yourself and you can't leave then how can you expect to have a marriage if you aren't willing to respect or trust him? I am certainly not suggesting that he deserves that, but I am just curious if you think you can ever trust him again or WANT to. If the answer is no, then why are you wasting your time?

 

Ok. You are young and naive (based on your own thread/situation) so Im going to answer this maturely instead of defensively which is he first thing that came to mind.

 

first off, he has cheated on me twice in 25 years. Once 13 or so years ago, then this last time. There is also a lot of background stuff I don't feel like going into now. Yes he should have never cheated, totally agree there

 

Why am I staying?

1. Because I'm a grown-up and I made a commitment to marriage for better or worse

2. Because he cut off contact and committed back into the marriage

3. Because he's going to therapy and church and doing the work to heal the crap in the background that contributed to his ability to stray.

4. Because we still have common goals and dreams together

5. Because I love him and our family

 

"How can you expect to have a marriage if you aren't willing to respect or trust him?"

 

firstly, I do respect him, and I don't know why anyone here would have any reason to say I don't.

 

Secondly, when a marriage is rocked by an affair (even an emotional one, such as yours) and the decision to stay and work on things is chosen.....we know that there's a 2-5 year period of "recovery" where you are going to therapy, working on trust, and working on becoming closer and forging out a new relationship. It is completely UNHEALTHY to automatically trust someone again so quickly without putting in the work to heal.

 

The answer to your curiosity is "yes, I do feel I can trust him again someday. But that day is sometime in the future, not 6 months into recovery".

 

I hope that helps and I would suggest that if you are so concerned with the respect aspect of things (you mentioned it twice), that you take a look inside yourself and your lack of respect for your husband.

 

I really do feel for you. You are very young, you have a lot to learn about marriage and relationships just due to your inexperience due to your young age.

 

I hope you figure out what you want and can be honest with yourself and your husband. I feel as if today's society doesn't take marriage as seriously as people once did. That's not me.

[aileD]

i know I sound defensive here but I just want to explain ....

 

I'm not wicked concerned about this. I really don't think it's anything, or maybe at the worst he was being nostalgic and reading old emails. I'm 99% sure she's not physically in his life. Not saying that the being nostalgic isn't a problem but it's already a known problem we've been dealing with and working on so it's not something to freak out over.

 

Don't feel I'm waking on eggshells. I have no problem confronting him. But part of my personal therapy involves being patient and thinking out a situation before jumping into confrontation. So that's what I'm trying to do. I have MUCH experience last year with anxiety and that pit in your stomach where you're obsessing over something until you explode. I honestly don't feel that. We are in a decent place for 6 mos into R

 

I just want to make sure I examine all angles and think out all possible responses and my reactions to them ahead of time.

 

We should be able to have a mature conversation about this and yes, if he wants to prove to me he is trustworthy he will be happy to answer and prove anything to me.

 

This is my outlet because I don't talk to people in Real life about this anymore. It's just too messy after all that went down this year, it's better to keep things private and honestly more respectful to H since we are staying together.

 

---

 

thanks for all the advice, I do take it all into consideration

[Lemonbar]

Ok. You are young and naive (based on your own thread/situation) so Im going to answer this maturely instead of defensively which is he first thing that came to mind.

 

first off, he has cheated on me twice in 25 years. Once 13 or so years ago, then this last time. There is also a lot of background stuff I don't feel like going into now. Yes he should have never cheated, totally agree there

 

Why am I staying?

1. Because I'm a grown-up and I made a commitment to marriage for better or worse

2. Because he cut off contact and committed back into the marriage

3. Because he's going to therapy and church and doing the work to heal the crap in the background that contributed to his ability to stray.

4. Because we still have common goals and dreams together

5. Because I love him and our family

 

"How can you expect to have a marriage if you aren't willing to respect or trust him?"

 

firstly, I do respect him, and I don't know why anyone here would have any reason to say I don't.

 

Secondly, when a marriage is rocked by an affair (even an emotional one, such as yours) and the decision to stay and work on things is chosen.....we know that there's a 2-5 year period of "recovery" where you are going to therapy, working on trust, and working on becoming closer and forging out a new relationship. It is completely UNHEALTHY to automatically trust someone again so quickly without putting in the work to heal.

 

The answer to your curiosity is "yes, I do feel I can trust him again someday. But that day is sometime in the future, not 6 months into recovery".

 

I hope that helps and I would suggest that if you are so concerned with the respect aspect of things (you mentioned it twice), that you take a look inside yourself and your lack of respect for your husband.

 

I really do feel for you. You are very young, you have a lot to learn about marriage and relationships just due to your inexperience due to your young age.

 

I hope you figure out what you want and can be honest with yourself and your husband. I feel as if today's society doesn't take marriage as seriously as people once did. That's not me.

Yes I am young and naive, hence the reason I came to this forum. I came to seek perspective, it's very easy to get emotional and we all know love is a crazy thing. I did make a commitmebt to my husband and while I have not been behaving honorably I have not cheated physically.

 

I think that anything can be fixed if both parties want to and are willing to change. I read lightly about your husbands past (my condolences, that is awfully tragic) and you are very strong for staying by his side.

 

With that being said, it's still not an excuse to drag that into your marriage and justify cheating with it. He cheated on you once and you decided to stay. That's on you. Not a right or wrong decision, just simply your decision. If someone was willing to have sex outside of a marriage it does not surprise me he did it again. I really hope you don't end up in a similar situation years down the road and realize you have been working for nothing because clearly you are a strong intelligent woman who deserves more.

 

We ARE ALL in the situations we Are in today because of choices we made and we have no one to blame but ourselves. Yes you want to work on the marriage, yes he has issues, yes he only cheated twice but it was YOUR decision to stay. You could have left. Yes there is honor in trying to work a marriage out but sleeping with someone besides your wife is grounds for a divorce. Maybe you really love him and he loves you. Maybe you need him more than he needs you. I don't know.

 

I really do wish you the best, I'm sorry if I can across as rude or condescending as that was not my intention. take care

[Whoknew30]

You don't need to worry just about exOW, since he's cheated before, you need to be worried about any woman that gives him attention.

 

Also he can make up a new email anytime he wants to...I understand transparency, so him checking in front of you should be no big deal but when does babysitting him like a child stop? I understand being concerned but it just seems like you're his mother not his wife...hope you're mentally taking care of yourself. Good luck

[whichwayisup]

You don't need to worry just about exOW, since he's cheated before, you need to be worried about any woman that gives him attention.

 

Also he can make up a new email anytime he wants to...I understand transparency, so him checking in front of you should be no big deal but when does babysitting him like a child stop? I understand being concerned but it just seems like you're his mother not his wife...hope you're mentally taking care of yourself. Good luck

 

Certainly not 6 months into reconciliation! I can see if it's 2 or 3 years down the road but NOT 6 months in. MOST MM and MW slip up and contact or are contacted by the ex affair partner. Many exAP's continue to reach out and contact years after the affair ends so in aileD's situation she has a right to feel some worry and should be able to check up on her husband and what he doe on his phone or email accounts. I'll add too, she's a smart lady and I'm sure if her husband has another affair or continues an A with the exOW, he'll be out on his ass and given divorce papers.

[aileD]

We did all make choices and yes...I made the choice to stay and forgive and love.

 

I am not in any way complaining about anything related to my choice, I'm simply working out a situation in my head with the help of those here.

[Jersey born raised]

If I remember correctly your husband has CSA and FOO issues in his past.

If so a part of him may be hard wired differently. So the usual advice that is offered is wrong. Speak to a PhD in the subject about how to respond.

 

For example a female CSA victim if she marries a good man may affair way down. The husband after the 2nd or 3rd time with ask himself why them? They are scum. Exactly, sex for the CSA in this case is partially used as a form of self punishment, like a young girl "cutting".

[aileD]

FOO? What is that?

 

He also has KISA issues

[merrmeade]

Do you check browser history? Click on "Show all history" and find out where he's been, what he's been looking at the most.

 

Read everything in the URLs. See what else he's up to. Check the view options.

 

Passwords can be retrieved in Preferences of Safari, Chrome - not just Firefox.

 

Check all the mailboxes, not just Drafts - Sent, Spam, Trash.

 

By the way, I agree that waiting too long to talk about it leads you to brood - which you're already doing. It also lends an artificiality to the conversation because your processing has already taken off on a tangent without him. R should be about working through things together, being open and trustworthy.

 

But it's critical that he open the email in front of you. Later is not okay.

 

FOO - Family Of Origin

[Whoknew30]

Certainly not 6 months into reconciliation! I can see if it's 2 or 3 years down the road but NOT 6 months in. MOST MM and MW slip up and contact or are contacted by the ex affair partner. Many exAP's continue to reach out and contact years after the affair ends so in aileD's situation she has a right to feel some worry and should be able to check up on her husband and what he doe on his phone or email accounts. I'll add too, she's a smart lady and I'm sure if her husband has another affair or continues an A with the exOW, he'll be out on his ass and given divorce papers.

 

If a spouse has cheated more than once & the BS thinks that the last AP is the only problem & they truly have to babysit their spouse...that's not reconciliation, that's called mothering. As I said, transparency is one thing, parenting is another, if a BS has to parent their WS, how will one ever know or a WS will actually do the right thing, without being "on them"...& if they don't, then why stay married.

 

Reconciliation is about getting back together & seeing how WS proves they still want to be married & doing it together, it's not about babysitting your spouse to make sure they don't cheat...completely different.

[aileD]

I'm not babysitting my spouse. He is transparent. I'll check his phone every once in awhile but I don't have him under lock and key. Trust doesn't come back quickly and the more I see NOTHING when I look, the less I look. This isn't something the consumes my day or takes over my life.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm not babysitting my spouse. He is transparent. I'll check his phone every once in awhile but I don't have him under lock and key. Trust doesn't come back quickly and the more I see NOTHING when I look, the less I look. This isn't something the consumes my day or takes over my life.

 

 

After everything you've been through I find your monitoring & triggering perfectly normal. I'd be very concerned if you were any different!

 

I'm a little further (time wise) into 'reconciliation' than you & honestly, deep down inside, I'm not even 100% secure that reconciliation is what I want the end result to be. Every single day I look to HIS actions to bring me more security & cement my decision.

 

If this was a pretty new relationship then I'd say this is going to ALWAYS be a 'mothering', guarded marriage (Divorce!) but there's so much history & understanding & PRINCIPLES here. You're doing the best that you can in a horrific situation.

 

I don't really check-up on my husband lately but there are still moments when something happens that brings it all crashing back down. No-one ever said that reconciliation (or marriage) is easy. It's bloody hard. It sounds to me like you guys are doing really well, all things considered. It's impossible to understand unless you've lived it.

 

Have you spoken about it yet? Best wishes!

[understand50]

I'm not babysitting my spouse. He is transparent. I'll check his phone every once in awhile but I don't have him under lock and key. Trust doesn't come back quickly and the more I see NOTHING when I look, the less I look. This isn't something the consumes my day or takes over my life.

 

AileD,

 

You are doing fine. Keep with your decision, there will be bumps along the way, I I think this is really nothing, but old PC history popping up. Why not have both you device cleared, so int he future, you will only find the here and now. Having said the above, it is not a bad thing to wonder, and to challenge when you see anything that may lead you to suspect. It's part of being transparent. You also coll and calm also good, getting to the bottom, and knowing is better then falling part, and setting back all the work you have both done.

 

People will always question why you reconciled, but that is for you to keep and know. We on LS do not do a good job of accepting a posters derision to reconcile, the drum beat for divorce goes on and on. On the whole, how is that going?

 

I wish you luck.....

[aileD]

Thanks everyone.

I'm still waiting til tomorrow, we are doing securitu for an event today and it's just busy and I don't want to possibly throw off the mood. maybe tonight. He's not acting weird or anything.

 

LS does tend to be very anti-reconciliation. Recommendations to Divorce are thrown around like confetti. It's assumed everything is always black and white. Thst if someone cheats they can't possibly love you. Sometimes it's more complicated than that. We talked about divorce a lot at the beginning of R. But reading the Bible and realizing that other then the infidelity, there was really no reason under god to get divorced. Realizing that we do have problems but they aren't ones that can't be overcome. That we still have the same life goals, the same interests, and we still have love---it's just hidden under a few of the five horseman (if you don't understand that reference, let me know and I'll explain )

 

But these things aren't marriage Enders for us. They are fixable. And it may take time and have ups and downs but it can be done. It's not worth throwing away everything we have built and have planned for things we CAN change.

 

I completely understand and respect people who disagree. But that's just not who I am. And just as there would be consequences for leaving there's consequences that I chose to accept when I stayed (therapy, triggers, bad days etc). I accept that.

[whichwayisup]

People deserve second chances, especially if the love is still there and both want to reconnect and make the marriage work. I'm one that believes in trying everything, divorce as a last resort. If it's one sided and the WS isn't wanting to end A or reconnect, be an open book and put in 100% then obviously it's not worth putting effort into saving the marriage.

[Chica80]

My perspective might be a bit different and maybe one you might not want to hear.

 

He might be thinking about her and thinking about her for these reasons: (I read your other thread about what your H is going through).

 

He is wounded, like a hurt wounded child inside. From what you have said about his OW, she seems like a pretty wounded and actual child herself. This is a pretty stressful time inside his head and may be looking at old email not necessarily contacting her. But to not feel alone. If your afraid, hurt, stressed, you will turn to those you feel can understand you.

People are drawn to eachother for many reasons. Especially those w deep traumas.

Just my perspective.

[Cymbeline]

My perspective might be a bit different and maybe one you might not want to hear.

 

He might be thinking about her and thinking about her for these reasons: (I read your other thread about what your H is going through).

 

He is wounded, like a hurt wounded child inside. From what you have said about his OW, she seems like a pretty wounded and actual child herself. This is a pretty stressful time inside his head and may be looking at old email not necessarily contacting her. But to not feel alone. If your afraid, hurt, stressed, you will turn to those you feel can understand you.

People are drawn to eachother for many reasons. Especially those w deep traumas.

Just my perspective.

 

This perspective seems very sensible to me. From what I have previously read in your posts, he has a number of circumstances and characteristics that make him different.

 

Some of them, most especially a sense of being different and not quite belonging), are things which predispose towards obsessive love, which isn't really love because it is generated within oneself and projected upon the love object, rather than loving the other person for what s/he is. It's painful and life changing and can leave someone with frozen emotions for a long time afterwards.

 

I would not be awfully surprised at some difficulties like this, which may need you to be very patient if you are committed to seeing this through.

 

Hope it's nothing

[Marc878]

I hope it's nothing but all BS's live in a certain denial.

 

I suspect you are afraid of what you might find.

 

I hope your gut instincts are wrong.