Not sure what to think [UPDATE: She contacted him]

[aileD]

I hope it's nothing but all BS's live in a certain denial.

 

I suspect you are afraid of what you might find.

 

I hope your gut instincts are wrong.

Yes I was totally afraid of what I might find. Even though I felt it was nothing, there's always the possibility because he's gone there before. See below

 

Some of them, most especially a sense of being different and not quite belonging), are things which predispose towards obsessive love, which isn't really love because it is generated within oneself and projected upon the love object, rather than loving the other person for what s/he is. It's painful and life changing and can leave someone with frozen emotions for a long time afterwards.

 

Yes. What you said about obsessive love. I see it and I also KNOW from knowing him and his story for so long that he was groomed--taught--that "love" meant "pleasure" . Thst if he felt unnatural desires her it was normal and okay to follow them because you shouldn't feel bad about feeling good.

 

Sounds nice but takes in a whole new meaning coming from a pedophile's mouth.

 

Thres a lot of reprogramming th t we are working through. Yeah it's ok to want to feel good but normal people consider consequences and empathy and self control etc.

 

I am committed. I married a broken man. I will help to make him unbroken . To be there for him. Because no one ever was.

 

------

 

The end result is I didn't wait till tomorrow. We had a few drinks tonight and feeling good and talking so I brought it up.... when he heard the email address he said "it's sounds like and old one".

 

I said yeah because when it said forgot password, it wanted to send an alert to her email. He was like "please tell me you didn't do that, dhe may think its me"

 

I said I didn't and asked if he would log into it, he said he doesn't think he'd remember the PW. Her got it on 3rd try. Was only a couple things in there (besides junk mail) --her sending him song lyrics (for songs I will never listen to now!) and the last logged time was back in July

 

So I guess that's good. I feel better....he was open. Said he probably has a bunch of old email addresses that could pop up because they changed so often. Was not nervous or scared or making excuses or anything

 

I probably just overreacted but I'm glad it's sorted out

[aileD]

Oh lord. Had a few drinks. Typing is horrible and no patience to go back and fix it. Hope you can decipher

[deadsoul]

Yes I was totally afraid of what I might find. Even though I felt it was nothing, there's always the possibility because he's gone there before. See below

 

 

 

Yes. What you said about obsessive love. I see it and I also KNOW from knowing him and his story for so long that he was groomed--taught--that "love" meant "pleasure" . Thst if he felt unnatural desires her it was normal and okay to follow them because you shouldn't feel bad about feeling good.

 

Sounds nice but takes in a whole new meaning coming from a pedophile's mouth.

 

Thres a lot of reprogramming th t we are working through. Yeah it's ok to want to feel good but normal people consider consequences and empathy and self control etc.

 

I am committed. I married a broken man. I will help to make him unbroken . To be there for him. Because no one ever was.

 

------

 

The end result is I didn't wait till tomorrow. We had a few drinks tonight and feeling good and talking so I brought it up.... when he heard the email address he said "it's sounds like and old one".

 

I said yeah because when it said forgot password, it wanted to send an alert to her email. He was like "please tell me you didn't do that, dhe may think its me"

 

I said I didn't and asked if he would log into it, he said he doesn't think he'd remember the PW. Her got it on 3rd try. Was only a couple things in there (besides junk mail) --her sending him song lyrics (for songs I will never listen to now!) and the last logged time was back in July

 

So I guess that's good. I feel better....he was open. Said he probably has a bunch of old email addresses that could pop up because they changed so often. Was not nervous or scared or making excuses or anything

 

I probably just overreacted but I'm glad it's sorted out

 

Good. I'm glad you sorted it out. Maybe you did overreact, but it's how you're feeling. It sounds like he validated your feelings and set your mind at ease. That sounds extremely positive and hopeful to me.

[Marc878]

Glad it was nothing.

 

Trust but verify.

 

You were a bit shaky but you got it.

 

This was all on him so you have every right to question.

 

Don't forget that

[Starswillshine]

I am almost in tears happy for you that it was nothing. Sometimes we can relate to others so much. It is amazing how we can have so much empathy for a complete stranger on the other end of a keyboard, yet, someone we love and share a bed with struggled with it. Heartbreaking.

 

Anyway, so glad it was nothing new.

[BTDT2012]

I am so happy for you that it was nothing new. I'm rooting for you two to make it.

[EZNona]

The end result is I didn't wait till tomorrow. We had a few drinks tonight and feeling good and talking so I brought it up.... when he heard the email address he said "it's sounds like and old one".

 

I said yeah because when it said forgot password, it wanted to send an alert to her email. He was like "please tell me you didn't do that, dhe may think its me"

 

I said I didn't and asked if he would log into it, he said he doesn't think he'd remember the PW. Her got it on 3rd try. Was only a couple things in there (besides junk mail) --her sending him song lyrics (for songs I will never listen to now!) and the last logged time was back in July

 

So I guess that's good. I feel better....he was open. Said he probably has a bunch of old email addresses that could pop up because they changed so often. Was not nervous or scared or making excuses or anything

 

I probably just overreacted but I'm glad it's sorted out

Good for you for not waiting it out for longer than you needed to...Your SO handled it well by just addressing the issue and not hesitating to show you what you needed to see with no drama attached. I think this turned out to be a good testament to your reconciliation journey. And I understand that you were afraid that you "might" find something because you just never know. But you have a right to live with a peace of mind and if your husband is serious about the reconciliation process, he will be willing to ease your mind and help to rebuild that trust. I think he is definitely showing you that he is on the right path. Good luck to you guys!!

[aileD]

Thanks everyone. Forgot to mention the email address was shut down too so it's another severed link.

 

I'm sure things like this may pop up once in awhile---I remember one time yearssss after his first affair we were at the hospital and they asked if his address was _______". Yeah no, that was the x- OWs address. Yikes. Wtf right?

 

But it can all be handled maturely. Sad that it never really goes fully away though. It'd be nice if after you decide to R, everything is erased and forgotten.

[BluesPower]

I am so happy for you and I am glad that he reacted the way that he did.

 

I think you handled it really well also. I hope it all works out in the long run.

 

You are truly a strong and loving woman. I am so proud for you...

[Marc878]

aileD,

 

Aprils coming up. If it were me I'd take a condom out of the wrapper and put it under his pillow.

 

Humor is good

[deadsoul]

aileD,

 

Aprils coming up. If it were me I'd take a condom out of the wrapper and put it under his pillow.

 

Humor is good

 

Bad Marc. Bad, bad Marc. haha

[MidnightBlue1980]

aileD,

 

Aprils coming up. If it were me I'd take a condom out of the wrapper and put it under his pillow.

 

Humor is good

 

A pregnancy test is better with some blue dye.

[deadsoul]

A pregnancy test is better with some blue dye.

 

Bad Blue...

 

OMG. you guys are giving me much needed laughs tonight. Otherwise I'd be crying.

[Marc878]

A pregnancy test is better with some blue dye.

 

Yes!!!!! And a note. Brad we have to talk!!!!!!

[Marc878]

I think it maybe twins and if they have red hair were toast!!!!

[aileD]

April fools is my birthday too

[aileD]

Im sad about it but I think I'm ok.

 

He went out to the work parking lot and she was parked right next to him. They talked for an hour.

 

Turns out she never took the apartment and continued to live in her car and his BOSS who is like a sister to him (but is also friends of HER family) refused to let her not have a place to stay so she moved in with his boss. So now they're friends and have been for the last six months.

 

He did not know this till now.

 

He said she said she wanted to check in to see how he was doing. She has since moved back in with her parents. (I'm all out of order here. I'm a mess a little sorry). The boss got her on online dating when they were living together and she's been dating and apparently getting more serious with someone. He said he felt like she was feeling him out to see if he was really done just in case there was a chance before she moved on with someone else. He said he told her still comfortable with his decision and was doing a lot of work, getting God back in our lives etc.

 

I asked if he kissed orbess intimate with her he said no. No plans to see again.

 

He did admit it felt good to see her, because deep down he was worried/wondering where she ended up and if she was okay. And that he saw she was fine, dating and moving on and it gave him relief.

 

He says he feels good about where we are and where we are going and the interaction didn't make him question his choice or change his mind or anything. It was like closure.

 

I expressed concerns that this is the same thing that happens all the time. AP reaches out, WS agrees and it turns into other interactions then you're back in the affair. He understood, but it was more about how HE felt (that it was good for him and the process) than about me being sad or upset about it. Thst bothered some. But we also. Oth agreed we need to move out of this area and he needs to get a new job because now that she is friends worth his boss, she could show up here any time to see her and also we don't want people who don't have OUR best interests at heart and. Ow I hate his boss.

 

I can't really process all this right now but I don't feel....I don't feel like it's going to hurt us in the long run. But I'm disgusted thinking of him being in her presence and I'm pissed off that she had the nerve to ambush him and I'm very angry at his boss for having any hand in any of it. He also said his boss is saying things like "you've been unhappy for 20 years, how long are you going to continue this". And she made a comment about "letting the kids suffer for her (ME!) own selfishness" about me not having a job yet and still getting depressed. **** her. He told her that he's seeing things different and he's been selfish for 20 years and love isn't selfish etc etc...I can't even talk about that now I'm getting angry at her. She's supposed to be his friend.

 

Anyway. I exhausted. I just want to move away. And now I'm worried she will try see him again.

 

I'm glad it's the weekend

[Mr. Lucky]

They talked for an hour.

 

I'll just note that's 59 minutes longer than it should have been. Doesn't take long to say "leave me alone".

 

Sorry this has happened...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aileD]

Sorry about the typos I can't edit

 

Yea I hear you, lucky

[deadsoul]

Hmm. So he told you about the conversation without being asked?

 

I don't know, that's a long time to talk to someone he's supposed to be in NC with.

[elaine567]

Is this not all a bit of a coincidence the gmail login page you found and now SHE has reached out to him????

 

If his boss is like a sister to him, then surely he would have known the OW was staying with her for a while and that they are now friends??

 

If his boss is as "anti you" as he claims, then she wouldn't have hid the fact from him that the OW was staying with her, would she?

 

All sounds a bit too cosy to me.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm so, so very sorry. That sucks.

 

I know what it feels like. You're doing a good job of trying to find the positives but I'd be flooded with nightmare emotions.

 

It sounds like his boss it sevely lacking compassion & empathy. I thought she had experienced infidelity? What's wrong with some people? As the old saying goes "With friends like that.....?".

 

You know that we've moved back to England after 18 years in the USA? I'm not going to tell you that it's a wonderful, new start but it does REALLY help not to be surrounded by the constant reminders, triggers & insane stress of if/when? I think moving & new job is a really good idea for your poor little family.

 

I wish things were different for you (& me) HUGS! You're stronger & braver than you know. Chin-up! Hugs!!

[elaine567]

It sounds like his boss it sevely lacking compassion & empathy.

 

But from her point of view she has seen her employee/friend/surrogate brother being unhappy in his marriage for 20 years and no doubt he moaned to her all about it.

Anyone in that situation is going to say "For God's sake just leave".

Her compassion and empathy is geared towards him and she thus sees the "cause" of his unhappiness as the "enemy"

Being close to the OW too she may see this as "true love" being foiled by his deranged/depressed wife at home. She probably thinks he feels obligated and is not really following his heart... Her job is thus to "help" him.

 

It is all about perspective.

[Ronni_W]

He did admit it felt good to see her, because deep down he was worried/wondering where she ended up and if she was okay. And that he saw she was fine, dating and moving on and it gave him relief.

 

He says he feels good about where we are and where we are going and the interaction didn't make him question his choice or change his mind or anything. It was like closure.

Hugs, aileD.

 

To be honest, it sounds like this was a good thing -- a Blessing in disguise, if you will (if not just a straight-up Blessing).

 

There seems to have been things in his mind that were still nagging at him -- NOTHING to do with his feelings for you and about his marriage; to me, sounds more like just having come from a place within himself, of 'neutral/objective compassion'. But, after this encounter, he is now free of all of that and he no longer has to keep any of it

in his 'random access memory'-mind.

 

That HE feels that he finally has 'relief' and 'closure' surely is a very good thing, yes? It would suggest or indicate that he is feeling free from this past and can

now be more-fully present and move into the future with more inner peace and more confidently.

 

He was not going to get all of this out of a minute's conversation. It took however long it took -- and, from what you've posted, how long it took has resulted in

putting you guys on a much stronger and more-solid footing.

 

Lots of reasons to have a very happy weekend.

Ronni

[SeenNotHeard]

This twist would have me going hmmmm. On one hand I can see him being ambushed in the parking lot like described. The woman in me would be tad concerned they spoke for an hour, seems like a long time and a lot can be said. Perhaps he completely shut her down at the end of the discussion none of us will know. It really comes down to how you feel about what happened and hopefully not a set back just a little bump in the road.