Author Dis Posted February 18, 2017 Author Posted February 18, 2017 Dis, is that what you would want to happen to you? Would you want some guy you really like to say "Dis, I'm so sorry, going to have to miss our date this weekend, something came up" and then have you over the next days or weeks keep wondering when he's going to call...why he doesn't call...whether you should call him, or will that just make you seem desperate...or anything else that people here spend pages of posts agonizing over? Haven't even you done this here, for that matter? Wondered, worried, thought maybe you did something wrong, wondered if some guy or other wasn't asking for a date so YOU should ask, and so on? Didn't it all feel pretty bad? Why do that to someone else? Just say (even if you need to do it by text), "I'm so sorry. I am going to have to cancel. I will be honest: I just don't feel I want to pursue dating with you. I wish you the best." It's that simple. Yes, after that he may send questioning texts and be annoying...or he may not...but if he does, at least you have not left him hanging, hoping, wondering, then each day feeling a bit more disappointed..."Oh...she STILL hasn't sent me that text...should I keep waiting..." Just tell him. I sent him a text that said, "Sorry I cant make it tomorow" But then read this and added, "I dont see this going anywhere but I wish you the best" 4
Miss Spider Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 Dis, is that what you would want to happen to you? Would you want some guy you really like to say "Dis, I'm so sorry, going to have to miss our date this weekend, something came up" and then have you over the next days or weeks keep wondering when he's going to call...why he doesn't call...whether you should call him, or will that just make you seem desperate...or anything else that people here spend pages of posts agonizing over? Haven't even you done this here, for that matter? Wondered, worried, thought maybe you did something wrong, wondered if some guy or other wasn't asking for a date so YOU should ask, and so Just say (even if you need to do it by text), "I'm so sorry. I am going to have to cancel. I will be honest: I just don't feel I want to pursue dating with you. I wish you the best." It's that simple. Yes, after that he may send questioning texts and be annoying...o. Ouch. That would freaking hurt me to death, Cali. I guess people are just different. 1
Imajerk17 Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 (edited) I agree w CaliforniaGirl, although this is how I would word it (softer than she originally suggested): "Hi John, I'm sorry but I can't make our date tomorrow. I thought of our phone conversation more and I don't think we are a match. I really should have sent this text earlier this week, I'm sorry" Look at this from his perspective. He could be a player or a liar, OR he could be a nice guy who doesn't get that his flattery came across weird/disingenuous/off-putting. At the least, he did set aside the time for you so some sort of reason why you won't be going, tactfully expressed, would be called for on your part. Edited February 18, 2017 by Imajerk17 6
thecrucible Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 Hi Dis, hope he responds well enough. I hate rejecting guys too. With the last guy I hated rejecting, he actually called me up and had a phone call and it made us both feel better. I find online dating emotionally draining in this way because there can be situations where the dating is elevated in the other person's consciousness. So I'll be thinking "let's see how this goes" but the other person will be more invested in the process than I am. 2
Miss Spider Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 I think most people get it when people fade and don't come to msg boards about it, but some people do definitely do ruminate and obsess. I like the fade more than the flat out rejection in the early stage like first date , but that's just me. Golden rule and all. At this point, it's just sparing feelings. Bottom line, I like what you went with, Dis! You closed it. 2
CaliforniaGirl Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 I think most people get it when people fade and don't come to msg boards about it, but some people do definitely do ruminate and obsess. I like the fade more than the flat out rejection in the early stage like first date , but that's just me. Golden rule and all. At this point, it's just sparing feelings. Bottom line, I like what you went with, Dis! You closed it. I'm going to disagree. I feel like if most people got hints such as this, the internet wouldn't be filled with thousands of pages-long "Should I keep trying? Is he fading or not? What should I do...?" posts. I mean I would get it, yes, or at least, I'd back off, but that's just me. I do wander off if I'm not feeling reciprocation because that's how I roll. I may be on the cold side though, in that way...I don't feel like I'm in a majority or something. In the old days we'd wonder "Is he going to call?" for a week or two, then we'd cry hard with our girlfriends, eat a tub of ice cream and the next night put on something hot and go looking again. But we didn't have text messaging and so on. If the person could have easily, without any face-to-face confrontation, just simply said "it's not going to work out," would it hurt? ANY rejection hurts. It would hurt then rather than two weeks of agonizing later, that would really be the only difference. I'd rather not extend my wondering and feeling of rejection. So yes, all people are different but I can't see just assuming a person is going to get subtlety when there is so much evidence to the contrary among people in general who spend days or weeks torturing themselves over the vague "fade." Dis, IMO you did the right thing and you were gentle. Rejection does hurt. We all know it. But you two didn't go out even once. He hadn't built a life and future with you. He can now not waste the next couple weeks and instead can keep looking. And you keep looking too!
Author Dis Posted February 18, 2017 Author Posted February 18, 2017 He just said, "Aww really, thats terrible. Is it something I said or did something come up?" Ahhhh 2
CaliforniaGirl Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 Hi Dis, hope he responds well enough. I hate rejecting guys too. With the last guy I hated rejecting, he actually called me up and had a phone call and it made us both feel better. I find online dating emotionally draining in this way because there can be situations where the dating is elevated in the other person's consciousness. So I'll be thinking "let's see how this goes" but the other person will be more invested in the process than I am. ^ This is the thing: there IS no "right way" to do it because rejection will hurt no matter what, and because everyone is different. I see people online raging all the time that the person didn't reject in exactly THE perfect way for the rejected, specifically. And it is always something different. Well, we are none of us mind readers and we don't even know you. We have to "guess" at what the right thing to do will be and even then you still might rage at us for it. (Not speaking to the OP here, but rather, speaking as the rejector to the rejected.) We were too cold, or too vague, or too nice and THAT'S SO FAKE, DAMN US ANYWAY, we took too long to reject, or we did it "too quickly" "without giving it a chance," we can't win on this one. Because the bottom line what is objected to is just not having access to the person doing the rejecting...that's the subconscious reality. IMO one can only do what is morally right, in our estimation. And in mine, NOT leaving someone hanging is the morally right thing to do. I see no reason to grind it in, be cruel, tell the person "you're not attractive" or anything else but I do feel it's cruel to leave a person hanging. That's a terrible feeling...for anyone. Again...JMO. 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 He just said, "Aww really, thats terrible. Is it something I said or did something come up?" Ahhhh I would tell him, "I'm sorry, it's just that I do not see us as a match. But I wish you best of luck in the future." He's not getting what you said which was a little on the vague side and just kind of floating out there, IMO. You need to specify: you don't want to date him. This is why the objections of "but that sounds mean" or "but that would hurt" might not be helpful, IMO. You need to be clear...or he'll just keep wondering and trying to clarify. If AFTER you have been CLEAR, he continues to approach you, then it's his issue, not yours, and being colder about it would be justified, but you're not there yet. You just really need to make this clear to him. Or I guess technically you could just not answer...if it were me I'd answer this one time more, in a no-room-for-doubt but not cruel way. But again, that's just me. Technically you did say you don't see things going anywhere so I guess you could legitimately just not answer? Dunno. That's up to you.
Miss Spider Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 ....Or not. Time to link him to the thread. No really, just say you don't think you're a match. Gosh. What if he's one of those people who wants graphic detail Or say you're getting back with your ex bf ?
goldway90 Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 Just say you're not interested in HIM anymore. He should get the hint. 1
Author Dis Posted February 18, 2017 Author Posted February 18, 2017 I literally said, "I dont see this going anywhere but I wish you the best" Was I not clear enough? I dont understand this
CaliforniaGirl Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 Jeez, you guys. Well, what are you suggesting? Do you still suggest she lie? If she does, he could... 1. Argue with the lie. "But WHY are you getting back with your ex?" or whatever. 2. Ask for an extension. "So then when Your Lie is over with and you stop being so busy at work/your ex re-breaks up with you/your grandmother has been dead for a few weeks, can I call you?" 3. Come onto internet forums screaming that girls just REFUSE to be honest, that's what's wrong with girls these days, they make stuff up, leave you twisting in the wind and there's not a good woman out there, so let's all adopt PUA techniques and just grab as much tail as we want, that's what these lying heartbreakers deserve and blah blah. OR ...he could experience A COUPLE HOURS TOTAL (if he's at all mentally healthy) of "ouch" from "I'm sorry, I do not wish for us to date. Take care and good luck in the future," then brush off his ego and get back onto his OLD site to find another date. 2
Miss Spider Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 You were. This guy was just weird from the get-go. Some people just don't like to accept being rejected. He was either going to come here making a thread about "why women can't be more direct" or "why are women so harsh in their rejections" either way. 2
CaliforniaGirl Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 I literally said, "I dont see this going anywhere but I wish you the best" Was I not clear enough? I dont understand this Yes. That's unclear. What's "it"? Why did that comment just sort of float out there? Clear and simple would be, "I am sorry, I don't wish to date you. We're not a match. I do think you're a nice person and I wish you all the luck in the future." No room for argument, what's he going to say, "But it's not fair that you don't want me"? If he does, it's time to refer him to a good therapist. 2
goldway90 Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 Usually needy guys ask questions like that. 2
Author Dis Posted February 18, 2017 Author Posted February 18, 2017 You were. This guy was just weird from the get-go. Some people just don't like to accept being rejected. He was either going to come here making a thread about "why women can't be more direct" or "why are women so harsh in their rejections" either way. Thanks girl I really dont want to leave him hanging but at the same time, I've done my due diligence by telling him its not going to work out...I dont know what else to do I dont even know this guy, I'm not going to give him a long drawn out explaination when I've already made it clear I'm not interested I'm on 4 hours sleep and had a hectic day. One of my patients had MRSA , the other had a seziure in the late morning so I'm not in the mood to go back and forth about this non-issue Not feeling very patient right now but I hope I did the right thing because no one deserves to be left hanging 4
Author Dis Posted February 18, 2017 Author Posted February 18, 2017 Usually needy guys ask questions like that. I dont fault him for being needy. I know we all can be needy at times I've done all I can do I guess 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 Thanks girl I really dont want to leave him hanging but at the same time, I've done my due diligence by telling him its not going to work out...I dont know what else to do I dont even know this guy, I'm not going to give him a long drawn out explaination when I've already made it clear I'm not interested I'm on 4 hours sleep and had a hectic day. One of my patients had MRSA , the other had a seziure in the late morning so I'm not in the mood to go back and forth about this non-issue Not feeling very patient right now but I hope I did the right thing because no one deserves to be left hanging "I am not interested" IS enough. Nobody owes anybody any explanations as to the nature of one's romantic disinterest. You're allowed to be attracted, or not. You're not. 1
Author Dis Posted February 18, 2017 Author Posted February 18, 2017 Usually needy guys ask questions like that. Also want to add that I would normally agree with this but in this care I think its the opposite On the phone he talked about how he used to get a ton of messages on OLD from women. He seemed pretty cocky So I think this is a bruise to his ego if anything. A surprise to him Thats just speculation though 1
goldway90 Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 Also want to add that I would normally agree with this but in this care I think its the opposite On the phone he talked about how he used to get a ton of messages on OLD from women. He seemed pretty cocky So I think this is a bruise to his ego if anything. A surprise to him Thats just speculation though Maybe but he lied about his age from the start i'd call getting ton of messages just bull*****, he was probably trying to impress you, giving a vibe that he's a catch. A man with options isn't going to ask why he got rejected. 3
Author Dis Posted February 18, 2017 Author Posted February 18, 2017 Maybe but he lied about his age from the start i'd call getting ton of messages just bull*****, he was probably trying to impress you, giving a vibe that he's a catch. A man with options isn't going to ask why he got rejected. So very true gold I didnt respond to his text I dont know if I should 1
Miss Spider Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 Oh man, you are a trooper. You just got over a horrible accident and had such an long day. I don't think you need to respond. You answered him. This could be endless. If it really bothers you, say " I don't think you and I would be compatible." if he tries to dig deeper than that it's not your problem. Again, I think you've said enough I'd never go on a date with a man who didn't have his real age up. I don't believe the "it was an accident" for one min. But coupled with admitting to use datedpics? Aw hell naw. He needs to work on that. 1
Shanex Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 D373: You did the right thing and told him things very gently and clearly enough (perhaps even a bit too gently but I know you are like that) and sadly he thought he could somehow make it up. If you've had a long work week, let him go. No reason for further back and forth and make him think there's still hope somewhere. He should get a hint, sure, otherwise he has other issues.
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