Broken heart hurts so bad

[Sweetfish]

Thank you LitTunel,

My brain definitely knows life with him would be a miserable and void existence.

 

Every year right before the holidays I have an anniversary of the passing of my twin girls. Lost them at 5 months. (another man and another lifetime)

 

I grieved the loss, got to kiss them goodbye, I got closer, and so on.

 

The anniversary still stings a little but I go on throughout the day and I'm able to work or whatever else I need to do.

 

A few of my friends chipped in and got me flowers and another friend said she'd be in the area if I wanted to have lunch or something. You know, just normal stuff you do for people you care about. You want to let them know they're loved and thought about. (Those little things REALLY help)

 

My ex was too busy posting on Facebook about celebrities birthdays and where he at tacos that day. I heard from him that evening and he said I sounded a little down. I told him why and he said he knew that but didn't message me because he didn't want to make me more upset. Total lie of course. He just didn't care I guess.

 

My brain knows he's NOT THE ONE FOR ME!

I just wish my heart would sit this one out and shut up!

 

I mean, I've learned to accept I have to live without my beautiful baby girls, I can certainly live without such a selfish phony!

 

I keep telling myself time will do wonderful things.

I can't wait until he's just a distant memory.

 

Thanks again for your support.

 

 

Sounds like this man lacks emotions and perspective of others.

 

Rejection is a powerful punch to anyone... but when we are rejected or feel unwanted by someone else. There are tons of other people who can give us that love and compassion we need. Yet, we tend to forget to have this love and compassion for our selves.

 

Its when you have this compassion for your self.. that the rejection doesnt hurt as much.

[LitTunnel]

Thank you LitTunel,

My brain definitely knows life with him would be a miserable and void existence.

 

Every year right before the holidays I have an anniversary of the passing of my twin girls. Lost them at 5 months. (another man and another lifetime)

 

I grieved the loss, got to kiss them goodbye, I got closer, and so on.

 

The anniversary still stings a little but I go on throughout the day and I'm able to work or whatever else I need to do.

 

A few of my friends chipped in and got me flowers and another friend said she'd be in the area if I wanted to have lunch or something. You know, just normal stuff you do for people you care about. You want to let them know they're loved and thought about. (Those little things REALLY help)

 

My ex was too busy posting on Facebook about celebrities birthdays and where he at tacos that day. I heard from him that evening and he said I sounded a little down. I told him why and he said he knew that but didn't message me because he didn't want to make me more upset. Total lie of course. He just didn't care I guess.

 

My brain knows he's NOT THE ONE FOR ME!

I just wish my heart would sit this one out and shut up!

 

I mean, I've learned to accept I have to live without my beautiful baby girls, I can certainly live without such a selfish phony!

 

I keep telling myself time will do wonderful things.

I can't wait until he's just a distant memory.

 

Thanks again for your support.

 

I'm really sorry to hear about your girls, my deepest condolences:(

 

I was actually born due to my slightly older brother who died not to long after birth. My parents had me to make up for his loss.

 

It seems based off of your situation you've described in your previous threads you're going to bounce out of this funk in a much sooner period. Just hang in there because your breakup is still relatively fresh so you're going to need a bit more time. You're doing awesome, keep it up!

[Crystal1111]

You were a gift!

 

Thanks for sharing. I SO much hope you're right. I want to bounce back. I miss my old happy self. I miss ME!

The fun loving free spirit I used to be.

 

I don't even recognize this sad and exhausted woman I've become.

 

I want me back. Not him.

 

Hope you're finding some peace in your healing.

 

I still can't listen to music. I'm too scared

[LitTunnel]

You were a gift!

 

Thanks for sharing. I SO much hope you're right. I want to bounce back. I miss my old happy self. I miss ME!

The fun loving free spirit I used to be.

 

I don't even recognize this sad and exhausted woman I've become.

 

I want me back. Not him.

 

Hope you're finding some peace in your healing.

 

I still can't listen to music. I'm too scared

 

Awww, you're so sweet. Thank you Crystal:)

 

But ya, you and me both! I've become a shell of myself and it's been almost 9 months!!!

[Crystal1111]

LitTunel,

Hopefully the nightmare is almost over for you. I really hope so. It's such an awful feeling.

 

Getting ready for work and I'm feeling much better than yesterday. (Thank you, God!)

 

I have a full day of work then baking cupcakes tonight to take to a girlfriends party tomorrow.

Kind of a grown up slumber party. (Haven't done that in years and excited about it )

 

Not a man bashing fest. I don't partake in that. I love men! but it will be nice to see my girlfriends without 'couples' pressure, if that makes sense.

 

Seems like it's so much easier when I have things to look forward to so I'm grateful.

It's in a part of town I've never been to so that helps. No memories with him in them.

 

As slow as recovery seems, I think it's happening.

 

Thanks again and I hope everyone reading this continues to heal and feel better.

[Crystal1111]

Spoke too soon. That feeling of OMG, I can't believe I'll never see him hit me like a train. I cried for a good 5 minutes.

 

I get the feeling he's bounced back and is doing fine. I'm actually glad because I did and said some things towards the end that I'm not proud of. I want him to be happy even if it's not with me.

 

I feel like I got shot, but lived through it

[LitTunnel]

Spoke too soon. That feeling of OMG, I can't believe I'll never see him hit me like a train. I cried for a good 5 minutes.

 

I get the feeling he's bounced back and is doing fine. I'm actually glad because I did and said some things towards the end that I'm not proud of. I want him to be happy even if it's not with me.

 

I feel like I got shot, but lived through it

 

Oh do I feel your pain. Believe me. Listen hun, we're pretty much walking an emotional mind field. Every now and then we're gonna get hit when we least expect it. We just have to take the hit, feel the pain and move forward, inch by inch.There really isn't a quick fix here at all, but time. Eventually we'll walk out alive from the mind field. And even better meet someone new who will fulfill our deepest needs and wonder what the hell we were thinking during these times:)

[Crystal1111]

Thank you. I have a feeling in a couple weeks I'll be feeling completely different than I do now.

Trying to hang on to that thought.

 

I think I've realized why I'm having a hard time letting him go even though I'm absolutely sure it's for the best.

 

I've never, EVER been with someone this selfish and hard headed.

I some weird way I feel like I failed because I couldn't get through to him.

 

It's stupid and I have to let that go. I'm not a failure and I have to forgive myself.

 

Like I said, in a couple weeks I think I'll feel much different (maybe not completely healed) but a jump start to it.

 

I'm wondering if I should date again.

[LitTunnel]

Thank you. I have a feeling in a couple weeks I'll be feeling completely different than I do now.

Trying to hang on to that thought.

 

I think I've realized why I'm having a hard time letting him go even though I'm absolutely sure it's for the best.

 

I've never, EVER been with someone this selfish and hard headed.

I some weird way I feel like I failed because I couldn't get through to him.

 

It's stupid and I have to let that go. I'm not a failure and I have to forgive myself.

 

Like I said, in a couple weeks I think I'll feel much different (maybe not completely healed) but a jump start to it.

 

I'm wondering if I should date again.

 

Crystal, I might wait off a bit because you're still fresh off of your breakup. But that's up to you. You could possibly try a date here and there just to test out the waters but do expect to feel lousy if the date goes kinda not as expected. I know that happened to me. After the dates I would miss her 10x more because I kept comparing. But I guess you can only know if you try. And no, you're not a failure. You did the right thing

[Trichrome]

Just finished first 24 hours of no contact and know exactly how you feel. My mind keeps telling me she was just not good for me but my heart won't stop. How long before that sick stomach feeling goes away? When will food taste normal again?

[Crystal1111]

Crystal, I might wait off a bit because you're still fresh off of your breakup. But that's up to you. You could possibly try a date here and there just to test out the waters but do expect to feel lousy if the date goes kinda not as expected. I know that happened to me. After the dates I would miss her 10x more because I kept comparing. But I guess you can only know if you try. And no, you're not a failure. You did the right thing

 

Yeah, I think I'll play it by ear. I'm on a dating site and I've casually chatted with a couple guys.

 

If I met someone that I think I might have a fun time with, I'd be open to it but I don't want to push myself.

 

Hope your weekend is going well so far.

[Crystal1111]

Just finished first 24 hours of no contact and know exactly how you feel. My mind keeps telling me she was just not good for me but my heart won't stop. How long before that sick stomach feeling goes away? When will food taste normal again?

 

Hi,

I'm on day 12 hardcore NC.

Sorry you're going through this too.

 

I'm still sick to my stomach at times but it's not near as bad. The first couple days I couldn't eat at all. It sucks because I love both cooking and eating and I just wasn't interested.

 

I keep trying to remind myself that loving him would be such a waste. I'd have to give up so much of myself. My art, my friends, my interests, hobbies and so on.

 

Not because he would want me to. He's not abusive or anything. I just mean his interests, friends, family, etc would always come first. Vacations and things like that would all have to work with HIS schedule. Screw that!

 

NC for me has always been pretty easy. He could have packed up and moved to China by now for all I know. So I guess I'm lucky in that way.

 

Best of luck and post anytime. It really helps.

[Crystal1111]

Trichrome,

Wanted to add,

I don't know if it's the same for you but I kinda feel like it's a bad habit I need to break.

 

Like quitting smoking or junk food (much more painful though )

I know it's bad for me. It wasn't a healthy relationship. But I still crave it.

 

I'm really hoping I'm almost at the end of it.

[LitTunnel]

Trichrome,

Wanted to add,

I don't know if it's the same for you but I kinda feel like it's a bad habit I need to break.

 

Like quitting smoking or junk food (much more painful though )

I know it's bad for me. It wasn't a healthy relationship. But I still crave it.

 

I'm really hoping I'm almost at the end of it.

 

Crystal, something tells me at a gut level that you're a strong woman and you're going to get through this in no time. I seriously wish I was in your shoes. Unlike you, even though I initiated the breakup I still was dumped in the end with absolutely no power whatsoever in my court and this is what's holding me back is that I crave her even more because I can't get to her anymore even if I wanted to. I wished after I broke it off with her I kept my NC and never broke it. Because I pursued her she knows I want her and she now can have her ways with me and pretty much decided I wasn't of value. This really kills me with regret that I can't even begin to describe. The humiliation and regret on my part is unbearable because I still love her and want to be with her but she wants nothing to do with me ever again.

[Crystal1111]

Hi LitTunel,

I really understand your pain. Technically I was the dumper but I get the feeling at the end he wanted out also so I really consider myself the dumpee. That's exactly how I feel. Completely powerless. I pulled the trigger but I think he wanted me to.

 

I have moments of regret and now it's too late. Hoping that will pass and SOON!

 

Thank you for your confidence in my situation. That really helps. I'm hoping your pain gets less and less also. It will. Just seems like it won't right now.

 

Hang in there and I really hope you're able to get some peace of mind soon.

Thanks for always taking the time to share.

[Crystal1111]

Getting ready to head to my friends party in a couple hours. I'm actually excited.

 

Chatted a little with a guy on the dating site and we're going to talk a little more tomorrow and set up a date. He's cute. He loves camping and doesn't golf. Lol. (Not that that would be a bad thing if he did)

 

Not really expecting anything but also trying to keep an open mind and move forward.

[Trichrome]

Good luck Crystal I envy you! I still can't bear the thought of being with someone else I hope I I'm ready to move on that fast

[LitTunnel]

Getting ready to head to my friends party in a couple hours. I'm actually excited.

 

Chatted a little with a guy on the dating site and we're going to talk a little more tomorrow and set up a date. He's cute. He loves camping and doesn't golf. Lol. (Not that that would be a bad thing if he did)

 

Not really expecting anything but also trying to keep an open mind and move forward.

 

Keep us posted giiiiirl! Lol

[jenny987]

Hey Crystal-

 

How was the party? It sounds like you were in for a fun night, hope it was great. How are you doing with your healing?

 

I'm up and down. My younger son came home from college on Thursday for the weekend to get his wisdom teeth out, so dealing with that was a distraction on Thurs & Fri.

 

I did have a setback on Saturday. I don't know what made me do it- but I checked one of my ex's best buddy's Instagram account. I really wish I hadn't. My ex was all over it- at bars, at a concert...it even looked like he had a party at his house on Friday night. It really made me feel badly, and i wish I hadn't looked.

 

Just seems so unfair- I'm struggling in every way, and he is smiling, with a drink in his hand, having a great time. At least before I saw that, I cold pretend that he was hurting too. Sigh.

 

Two steps forward, one step back, I guess.

 

I think it's exciting that are chatting to someone online! I think I need a bit more time before I can do that...but it sounds like a nice distraction!

[LitTunnel]

Hey Crystal-

 

How was the party? It sounds like you were in for a fun night, hope it was great. How are you doing with your healing?

 

I'm up and down. My younger son came home from college on Thursday for the weekend to get his wisdom teeth out, so dealing with that was a distraction on Thurs & Fri.

 

I did have a setback on Saturday. I don't know what made me do it- but I checked one of my ex's best buddy's Instagram account. I really wish I hadn't. My ex was all over it- at bars, at a concert...it even looked like he had a party at his house on Friday night. It really made me feel badly, and i wish I hadn't looked.

 

Just seems so unfair- I'm struggling in every way, and he is smiling, with a drink in his hand, having a great time. At least before I saw that, I cold pretend that he was hurting too. Sigh.

 

Two steps forward, one step back, I guess.

 

I think it's exciting that are chatting to someone online! I think I need a bit more time before I can do that...but it sounds like a nice distraction!

 

jenny, your time will come so don't worry and be excited:)

[Crystal1111]

Hi,

Party was really fun! Didn't think of ex too much.

 

The dating site guy flaked and I didn't really care one way or the other. Spent most of the day just hanging out with the dogs and catching up on stuff.

 

I haven't 'seen ' ex in almost 2 months (NC two weeks ) and I think that 'withdrawal ' feeling is finally starting to go away. I hope it lasts.

 

Jenny, I'm sorry you feel bad. I know that hurts but don't beat yourself up. Weekends can be hard. We're here for you. ((Hugs))

[Crystal1111]

Hi LS,

Just wanted to see how Jenny987 and LitTunel are doing.

 

I've been diving back into my art full force lately. Caught up with some old friends. Nothing really new except feeling a little better each day. (Yesterday was tough for some reason)

 

Anyway, I think I can start sending PM s soon so I'll keep in touch. Hope you both are doing better.

 

And everyone reading this.

Peace ♡

[jenny987]

Hi LS,

Just wanted to see how Jenny987 and LitTunel are doing.

 

I've been diving back into my art full force lately. Caught up with some old friends. Nothing really new except feeling a little better each day. (Yesterday was tough for some reason)

 

Anyway, I think I can start sending PM s soon so I'll keep in touch. Hope you both are doing better.

 

And everyone reading this.

Peace ♡

 

 

So good to "see" you Crystal! I am also feeling a bit better, day by day. I think it's because I'm slowly filling up that big hole where he was.

 

So glad you are diving into your art! What an awesome way to channel your energy!

 

One nice thing that has happened lately- there is a woman who lives on my street- I always thought she seemed cool, from out brief interactions. We chatted a bit at the neighborhood block party last summer. She has kids from her first marriage that she splits 50/50 with her ex, and her current husband travels a lot for work. Well, we happened to run into each other coming out of the grocery store, started chatting, she asked about my ex (she met him at the block party) I told her about the breakup, etc. She said- we should totally get together sometime! And instead of being like yeah, we should, and leaving it, I said, yes, we should, what night? So we actually made plans, and I went over and we hung out, and drank a bottle of wine and just talked and talked for hours. She’s really great, and I feel like I made a new friend.

 

I’ve also been spending more time with my old friends, just being more focused at work, etc.

 

I still have times of pure sadness, where I can’t believe we’ll never see each other or talk to each other again. But it’s more like an hour or two of feeling sad, as opposed to a whole day.

 

The biggest thing for me has been getting more regular sleep. Wow, does it help to be well rested. I have been listening to this meditation app before bed- I do the 10 minute meditation, and then just have really good, restful sleep.

 

I feel like I am coming out of a fog, slowly. For some reasons Sundays have been the hardest for me- so I will see how I feel tomorrow!

 

Hope your healing continues! (hugs)

[jenny987]

I also wanted to add- one weird thing that has been happening to me, and I wonder if it happens to anyone else. As I feel myself healing, and moving on, sometimes that makes me feel sad. Like when I was anxious and in total anguish- this was some kind of connection to my ex? But now, as I begin to feel a bit better, it's like this last (extremely painful and probably one-sided) string is breaking. Sigh.

[LitTunnel]

I also wanted to add- one weird thing that has been happening to me, and I wonder if it happens to anyone else. As I feel myself healing, and moving on, sometimes that makes me feel sad. Like when I was anxious and in total anguish- this was some kind of connection to my ex? But now, as I begin to feel a bit better, it's like this last (extremely painful and probably one-sided) string is breaking. Sigh.

 

You're so right, me too! Great observation Jenny!

 

Hi Crystal. I definitely miss you around here but you know what it's a good thing because it means you're moving on. I knew you would move on much quicker than most. I'm sure you still struggle from time to time but you're making great progress. Unfortunately I'm still finding myself in deep depression because I too can't believe she's like, gone. It feels like a deep, black, empty void within me. I'm doing much better today but I'm always worried I'll fall back into deep thoughts of her. I notice it happens now without me even realizing. And this is what scares me is that I think of her on auto pilot. I just wished I was able to get some closure with her, tbh, I know her and I can't be together but just to get closure, whatever that means, would mean the world to me. It's just been really really hard for me, just cause of the way it all abruptly ended with me giving ALL my power to a woman who I had fallen for. But hey, just taking it day by day.

 

I hope you are doing terrific hun. Stop by here from time to time and give us your update, even if you've moved on. We know it won't b forever but for the short duration. Yes, pm me any time. I can share with you my email if you like. I can send it through PM. I don't think I'll be away from LS for a while though, seeing as I'm still struggling, but hey, I can't give up on hope cause it's all I got now.

Edited February 26, 2017 by LitTunnel