elaine567 Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 The problem here is that the "right" moment is gone. With no proposal, SHE felt obliged to bring it up as nothing was progressing, and HIS reaction was to shut her down. IT has now became a bone of contention. That is NOT how it is supposed to work. He is supposed to surprise her with a proposal out of the blue, or she gives the teeniest tiniest hint and he take her up on it and proposes. They are both happy. Whatever happens now or in the future, the OP will not feel good about it. If he now proposes, SHE will feel she "forced" him into marriage, or if he doesn't propose, then SHE will feel she has to accept the status quo and will try to convince herself that marriage doesn't matter - they are fine as they are... Neither scenario is exactly satisfying for her, neither is a boost to the ego. Resentment will build. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 OP: I want you to look at your own actions here for a moment. You say you come from a traditional background that marries. By moving in with him after 6 months dating, with no engagement, with no wedding date, you were sending your BF the message you were flexible and not 'so traditional'. Then years went by and it's 4 years later that you are bringing up marriage and kids? Isn't it something a traditional woman would have brought up at the end of your first year living together? not 4. Do you understand where you lacked discipline for a woman that qualifies herself as traditional ? A traditional woman does not let 4 years go by without addressing marriage. You are greatly responsible for this current situation, do you see it? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ClaraCAKES Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 OP: I want you to look at your own actions here for a moment. You say you come from a traditional background that marries. By moving in with him after 6 months dating, with no engagement, with no wedding date, you were sending your BF the message you were flexible and not 'so traditional'. Then years went by and it's 4 years later that you are bringing up marriage and kids? Isn't it something a traditional woman would have brought up at the end of your first year living together? not 4. Do you understand where you lacked discipline for a woman that qualifies herself as traditional ? A traditional woman does not let 4 years go by without addressing marriage. You are greatly responsible for this current situation, do you see it? Obviously I did bring up marriage and was told "in good time" in fact the few times I have brought it up that's all that has been said until recently when I am starting to become impatient. I never had doubts about him NOT wanting marriage as he had been engaged before. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Obviously I did bring up marriage and was told "in good time" in fact the few times I have brought it up that's all that has been said until recently when I am starting to become impatient. I never had doubts about him NOT wanting marriage as he had been engaged before. You were willing to love him, and live with him for 4 years without marriage = marriage not THAT important to you. If it had been THAT important you would have been gone after 1 year waiting. You were 25 when you met him, not 18. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ClaraCAKES Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 The problem here is that the "right" moment is gone. With no proposal, SHE felt obliged to bring it up as nothing was progressing, and HIS reaction was to shut her down. IT has now became a bone of contention. That is NOT how it is supposed to work. He is supposed to surprise her with a proposal out of the blue, or she gives the teeniest tiniest hint and he take her up on it and proposes. They are both happy. Whatever happens now or in the future, the OP will not feel good about it. If he now proposes, SHE will feel she "forced" him into marriage, or if he doesn't propose, then SHE will feel she has to accept the status quo and will try to convince herself that marriage doesn't matter - they are fine as they are... Neither scenario is exactly satisfying for her, neither is a boost to the ego. Resentment will build. I totally agree. That the surprise, if it ever happens is ruined. But how long should a woman wait until she wants a serious discussion about the future. You are also right, I resent him for not being honest. For now I am playing the waiting game, considering a mental timeline in my head. Otherwise, it is stay as is never get married and risk being dumped at 40 for a young girl. I must say it is #AWKWARD when we constantly get asked "when are you two getting married/having kids" and on holiday when I get called Mrs xxxx by the staff who ASSUME we are married. Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 The problem here is that the "right" moment is gone. With no proposal, SHE felt obliged to bring it up as nothing was progressing, and HIS reaction was to shut her down. IT has now became a bone of contention. That is NOT how it is supposed to work. He is supposed to surprise her with a proposal out of the blue, or she gives the teeniest tiniest hint and he take her up on it and proposes. They are both happy. Whatever happens now or in the future, the OP will not feel good about it. If he now proposes, SHE will feel she "forced" him into marriage, or if he doesn't propose, then SHE will feel she has to accept the status quo and will try to convince herself that marriage doesn't matter - they are fine as they are... Neither scenario is exactly satisfying for her, neither is a boost to the ego. Resentment will build. When you say the right moment... What do you mean? By her standards or by law or universal code. Who says you have to be married in X amount of time. Is it in the bible? The laws, or courts. So guess what i think the OP should do. Leave. If your not happy leave. But as i said this is why women do not love like men... because at the end of the day you are willing to walk away on conditions. That is not true love. If the relationship is perfect and your willing to leave because he has not surprised you with marriage.. that is conditional love. So do him a favor and jump into the arms of another man. Go find another man that will complete your puzzle and you will learn when you move on to someone else... he may not meet another condition and what will you do then..Because i know guys who want to marry and are dogs and i know many men who cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 You are also right, I resent him for not being honest. For now I am playing the waiting game, considering a mental timeline in my head. Otherwise, it is stay as is never get married and risk being dumped at 40 for a young girl. You mean married women never get dumped by their husband for a younger prettier version ! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Obviously I did bring up marriage and was told "in good time" in fact the few times I have brought it up that's all that has been said until recently when I am starting to become impatient. I never had doubts about him NOT wanting marriage as he had been engaged before. Your not telling us the whole story... he was engaged and then????? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ClaraCAKES Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 When you say the right moment... What do you mean? By her standards or by law or universal code. Who says you have to be married in X amount of time. Is it in the bible? The laws, or courts. So guess what i think the OP should do. Leave. If your not happy leave. But as i said this is why women do not love like men... because at the end of the day you are willing to walk away on conditions. That is not true love. If the relationship is perfect and your willing to leave because he has not surprised you with marriage.. that is conditional love. So do him a favor and jump into the arms of another man. Go find another man that will complete your puzzle and you will learn when you move on to someone else... he may not meet another condition and what will you do then..Because i know guys who want to marry and are dogs and i know many men who cheat. Obviously I do love the person as I am still here....not left yet 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ClaraCAKES Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 Your not telling us the whole story... he was engaged and then????? Yes he was engaged before and apparently bullied into it. I have only been told snippets of why it ended by his friend who always tell me how happy they are to see him with me. But I believe he ended it, she was erratic and abusive & refused to leave and I am told cars, money and various other things were provided in a "pay off" However, I pay for everything I own myself.. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 I remember when he told me about them going to have a kid....tears were welling up in his eyes....and they were not tears of joy. Better cut him loose. Oh dear. ..................... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ClaraCAKES Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 Oh dear. ..................... Not good. Sometimes babies bring people closer...sometimes not 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Yes he was engaged before and apparently bullied into it. I have only been told snippets of why it ended by his friend who always tell me how happy they are to see him with me. But I believe he ended it, she was erratic and abusive & refused to leave and I am told cars, money and various other things were provided in a "pay off" However, I pay for everything I own myself.. So you don't think that was value information that should have been stated instead of just saying he is avoiding marriage like the plague 2 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 So you don't think that was value information that should have been stated instead of just saying he is avoiding marriage like the plague yeah... he's not going to do it I don't think. He has no reason to now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ClaraCAKES Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 So you don't think that was value information that should have been stated instead of just saying he is avoiding marriage like the plague I actually stated on the thread he's been engaged before so I know he is capable Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Yes he was engaged before and apparently bullied into it. I have only been told snippets of why it ended by his friend who always tell me how happy they are to see him with me. But I believe he ended it, she was erratic and abusive & refused to leave and I am told cars, money and various other things were provided in a "pay off" I guess she was pretty hot, and good in bed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 I actually stated on the thread he's been engaged before so I know he is capable engaged...because he was forced into it, then ran away and paid her off. That is not capable. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 (edited) Let me take the opposite side of the ridiculous things I've read here. Everybody has conditions... For example: You can't cheat. You can't bring other people into our bed. You can't stay drunk for days on end. You can't be a criminal who has been incarcerated for life. You can't steal from my family. And so on. A person who will stay in a relationship no matter what is known as a doormat. So don't let that bother you. Also, there's no such thing as a "good reason" to leave a relationship. The only criterion that matters is that your reason is good enough for you. If you decide to leave because the sky wasn't blue enough today, that's your business and nobody else's. You don't need to justify your life's decisions to anyone. You do what you have to do in order to get what you want. Nobody should stand in your way of that. In that vein, anything can change in a heartbeat. Nothing is permanent. But, that said, we lock our cars overnight so that it is more likely they'll be there the next day. We get educated so that it is more likely we will end up with good, high paying jobs. We use birth control so that it is more likely we don't get pregnant. We get married so that it is more likely we don't get left at 40. Why is it more likely? Because people don't enter marriage easily, unless they are more than willing to do so. They know what it means. The divorce rate is not a reflection of intent, it is more of a reflection of the couple's mutual lack of investigation into how suitable they are as a couple. There's a million things to consider. There ought to be a checklist. But there isn't, and couples find out that either they are not, or their spouses are not the people they thought they were. Most likely, they were either too young, or too thoughtless. So you should consider that too, and consider that you're already stuck on a major disagreement. What other disagreements are out there for you? Surely this isn't the only one. Is kids next? You do bear most of the responsibility in your predicament. If this was a condition, and you were lax or vague with your mental deadlines, or lax or vague in communicating your expectations, then you've created your own time bomb at 29 years of age. If you had this relationship to do over again from the start, at what age would you bail if he didn't marry you? That doesn't mean it's too late to fix things. In fact, it probably means you can't fix things soon enough. You have to decide what you really want. Then, you do what you have to do in order to get that. If it means staying, then you stay. If it means leaving, then you leave. If it means an ultimatum, then give the ultimatum. I don't know what it is, but you certainly shouldn't feel bad about whatever you do, as long as you know that what you do is right for you. Hopefully, you can count on your man to do what is right for him. I'm out. Edited January 17, 2017 by mightycpa 8 Link to post Share on other sites
vampirebrat Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 (edited) Yes he was engaged before and apparently bullied into it. I was just about to ask about this. I figured that extreme level of avoidance had to come from somewhere. I wonder why you weren't more fortcoming with this information. It might've helped people to understand the issue better and advise you accordingly. Anyway, imo this awful engagement has left him with a very bitter taste in his mouth. Perhaps, he even sees your mentioning of it as a repeat of what happened with his ex. There's something else I'm curious about. The way you phrase some stuff interests me, in your original post you talk about 'fixating' and 'feeling wanted'. You also mentioned off-hand about being dumped for a younger girl. It makes me wonder if there's something else on your mind. Edited January 17, 2017 by vampirebrat more detail 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ClaraCAKES Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 I was just about to ask about this. I figured that extreme level of avoidance had to come from somewhere. I wonder why you weren't more fortcoming with this information. It might've helped people to understand the issue better and advise you accordingly. Anyway, imo this awful engagement has left him with a very bitter taste in his mouth. Perhaps, he even sees your mentioning of it as a repeat of what happened with his ex. There's something else I'm curious about. The way you phrase some stuff interests me, in your original post you talk about 'fixating' and 'feeling wanted'. You also mentioned off-hand about being dumped for a younger girl. It makes me wonder if there's something else on your mind. I'm 27 not 29 as the original post says, typed it wrong and can't edit. However you are right, my confidence is at a low & it shouldn't be. Because he has shut down this marriage, I feel rejected, ugly and an just an option that he could drop at any time. Not that I've proposed but imagine saying no and getting angry at a man if he was proposing..... Why else would he seriously not want to be married? . I don't know what will change this. We don't have sex often maybe once every 2 months, he says this is because I have been "going on" about marriage. We are affectionate in other ways, he makes me breakfast in bed every morning, we go on holiday or for a night away every month etc etc. I know he doesn't have a cheating bone in his body & is 100% not up to anything with anyone else. I was out shopping before Christmas and a man followed me around to try and get my number (creepy) but it made me happy to feel wanted for a second!! I think if a proposal happens I will know he does WANT me, but I do want to get married because I love him and want to be with him. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Sex only once in 2 months?????? And you want to marry this guy? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 I'm 27 not 29 as the original post says, typed it wrong and can't edit. However you are right, my confidence is at a low & it shouldn't be. Because he has shut down this marriage, I feel rejected, ugly and an just an option that he could drop at any time. Not that I've proposed but imagine saying no and getting angry at a man if he was proposing..... Why else would he seriously not want to be married? . I don't know what will change this. We don't have sex often maybe once every 2 months, he says this is because I have been "going on" about marriage. We are affectionate in other ways, he makes me breakfast in bed every morning, we go on holiday or for a night away every month etc etc. I know he doesn't have a cheating bone in his body & is 100% not up to anything with anyone else. I was out shopping before Christmas and a man followed me around to try and get my number (creepy) but it made me happy to feel wanted for a second!! I think if a proposal happens I will know he does WANT me, but I do want to get married because I love him and want to be with him. If he proposes it doesn't mean much except that you've convinced him it's in his best interest to propose. The goal is marriage, not a proposal, right? It seems like so many women miss that point. If you are excited by being stalked because your bf pays so little attention to you, there is something seriously wrong.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
winny Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Sex only once in 2 months?????? And you want to marry this guy? Jeez girl...!! How do you manage? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 When you say the right moment... What do you mean? By her standards or by law or universal code. Who says you have to be married in X amount of time. Is it in the bible? The laws, or courts. The "right" moment for the OP. The time before it became "awkward" for her. The time before friends and relatives started seriously asking when she was getting married... The time before she started feeling embarrassed that her man of 4 years had never asked her to marry him... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 ]We don't have sex often maybe once every 2 months' date=' he says this is because I have been "going on" about marriage.[/b'] We are affectionate in other ways, he makes me breakfast in bed every morning, we go on holiday or for a night away every month etc etc. He has checked out of this relationship. I know he doesn't have a cheating bone in his body & is 100% not up to anything with anyone else. I wouldn't be so sure, if I were you. Little or NO sex and he gets angry when you bring up marriage... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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