Should I Prepare to Leave - He Hasn't Proposed

[ClaraCAKES]

Since you asked OP... lots of men who are all "family values" and who see marriage as something they urgently want also want a woman who will full fill traditional stereotyped female roles.

 

That said, there are lots of men who want a woman who is an independent person who would be ok making more money and having a house husband.

 

It all comes down to compatibility and life goals. You want to be married and I imagine have children. As a woman you are time limited when it comes to children. If his life goals are not compatible with yours ...

 

There are two ways I see you can find out.

 

Propose to him. Buy the ring. Arrange a romantic location tell him how much he means to you and that you want to grow old fat and ugly with him. Put it all out there and see what he does.

 

OR

 

Leave him and see if he chooses to chase you down with a proposal then say yes.

 

Either way you'll know quick fast and in a hurry if you have compatible goals.

 

I would totally be a "housewife" if I was married with kids.

 

I don't think it's sensible to suggest adopting that role (which would mean me being financially reliant and not working) that's what I thought gold diggers did?

[Mrlonelyone]

I would totally be a "housewife" if I was married with kids.

 

I don't think it's sensible to suggest adopting that role (which would mean me being financially reliant and not working) that's what I thought gold diggers did?

 

It's partly that.

 

It could also be about domesticity. Right now he may see you as being like a roomate with benefits. Cool person to hang out with and share a place with (You do live with him right?)

 

There is a difference in many minds between that and a wife.

 

Not me though...I've seen what marriage looks like when people are a decade in and when it last it is really just about living with someone you love and want to share the ups and downs of life with them.

 

TL DR It really just comes down to having compatible values and life goals. Ask yourself are his goals and values compatible with mine? If you think they are propose to him. That would be the simple and direct way yo find your answer.

 

Thinking about the strategy of walking away to get him to propose that's manipulative and we should be beyond that kind of thing in 2017.

[ClaraCAKES]

It's partly that.

 

It could also be about domesticity. Right now he may see you as being like a roomate with benefits. Cool person to hang out with and share a place with (You do live with him right?)

 

There is a difference in many minds between that and a wife.

 

Not me though...I've seen what marriage looks like when people are a decade in and when it last it is really just about living with someone you love and want to share the ups and downs of life with them.

 

TL DR It really just comes down to having compatible values and life goals. Ask yourself are his goals and values compatible with mine? If you think they are propose to him. That would be the simple and direct way yo find your answer.

 

Thinking about the strategy of walking away to get him to propose that's manipulative and we should be beyond that kind of thing in 2017.

 

We live together, walking away is a big deal to do just for the sake of being manipulative. I can tell you right now, that it would work. I know it would work, but I don't play games, and I want it to be his choice to propose if he wants too. I have suggested space and he literally gets teary.

 

However I don't know why he is not "ready" to do so at this stage.

 

And as for the "cooking" that everyone brings up.....we BOTH heat food up in the oven. But that's not cooking I " cook"maybe only once a week at the weekend (by that I mean from scratch).....I just wouldn't have time to cook & clean everyday As well as work and other commitments

[ClaraCAKES]

Unfortunately, it IS possible (though of course none of us here can possibly "know" this is the case...this is literally a guess for your case in particular) that his internal vision of what a wife "should" be includes cooking and cleaning and that this is why he doesn't want to marry you.

 

BUT unless his previous "fiance" (that sounds odd...and kind of like a disaster) didn't cook or clean either, then that's probably off the table. Who knows.

 

However...yes, we do in fact have internal subconscious checklists of what makes a "husband" or a "wife" and yes, those ideas will color whom we decide we want to marry. That's natural, IMO...it's a very common thing.

 

I doubt she did that. I genuinely believe he has post traumatic stress from that relationship.

[Redhead14]

We live together, walking away is a big deal to do just for the sake of being manipulative. I can tell you right now, that it would work. I know it would work, but I don't play games, and I want it to be his choice to propose if he wants too. I have suggested space and he literally gets teary.

 

However I don't know why he is not "ready" to do so at this stage.

 

And as for the "cooking" that everyone brings up.....we BOTH heat food up in the oven. But that's not cooking I " cook"maybe only once a week at the weekend (by that I mean from scratch).....I just wouldn't have time to cook & clean everyday As well as work and other commitments

 

However I don't know why he is not "ready" to do so at this stage. -- Ask him why he's hesitant. If he can't give those answers, then you end the relationship. Ask him what is causing him to hesitate. What needs to change, what isn't working for him, etc.

 

I have suggested space and he literally gets teary. -- Sure, he gets teary. He's content with the way things are and asking for space is giving him a heads up that you are possibly planning your exit. He likes things the way they are and doesn't want it to change.

 

And, he gets teary??? He knows what you want, so if he wanted to give that to you, he wouldn't get teary -- He'd get REAL.

[VeveCakes]

However I don't know why he is not "ready" to do so at this stage.

 

 

He doesn't want to.

 

You already know that is why, you just won't accept it.

[William]

Folks, as I start cleaning this one up I'd like to add to Roberts previous directive.

 

Let's remember that this is a single unique situation and not a general discussion on male/feminine traits and their role in proposing marriage. General relationship Discussion would be the proper place to start a thread on that topic.

 

Posts that do non relate directly to ClaraCAKES unique situation will be considered off-topic. ~T

[kendahke]

I doubt she did that. I genuinely believe he has post traumatic stress from that relationship.

 

Do you know if he has sought professional help to help him deal with PTS? If he hasn't, then he hasn't processed that trauma and that could be a huge reason why he's intransigent with the notion of marrying you.

 

Generally speaking, people who have been hurt and have not done anything to remedy the emotional injury are hyper-avoidant of situations like the one that hurt them in the first place. They are cool with getting the benefits of relationship without submitting to the obligation and duty of relationship--and that's going to get really old, really fast.

 

I'd have to have some assurances that he didn't still have unpacked baggage from that before I would invest my time, energy and youth in what could amount to a futile situation.

[elaine567]

I'd have to have some assurances that he didn't still have unpacked baggage from that before I would invest my time, energy and youth in what could amount to a futile situation.

 

My guess is that probably the only "work" he will do, is to make sure he avoids putting himself into that situation again like the plague. which does not exactly bode well for a forthcoming proposal.

[PinkElephants]

I genuinely believe he has post traumatic stress from that relationship.

A person in the military can be discharged due to PTSD because it impairs their ability to serve. If your bf has PTSD from his previous engagement then, perhaps, he seeks to be relieved from future proposals/marriages. I don't see why a person who suffered traumatic stress would want to repeat the experience that caused it in the first place.

 

Everyone that's already commented is probably correct. He doesn't want to marry you.

 

Instead of accepting that, though, you're asking for ways to convince him, manipulate an answer as to when he'll get over it and ask, defending your choice to stay in a relationship that won't lead to marriage, and arguing that he really must love you because he gets misty when you threaten to upend his perfectly satisfactory life.

 

The choice to remain in denial is yours but my question is how long are you prepared to stay there? How many more years will you wait? What will you do if he gets fed up with your nagging and leaves? Or if he proposes in years when you're spitting with fury and so bitter it's toxic? Or worse, what will you do if, 10 years from now, he meets the woman of his dreams and marries her?

 

You're wasting precious time because you're convinced that your happily ever after is just around the corner but it never comes. You reject every answer here so come up with your own. What are you prepared to do?

[barcode88]

OP you need to talk to your Boyfriend and let him know that you expect a committed future (marriage). Of course you don't want to force him to propose on the spot, but make sure he has notice beforehand.

 

I only recommend this if things in your relationship are solid right now, and the only hangup is that things aren't moving at the pace that you require. If things are bad, you have bigger things to work on before you can think about marriage.