When you still love each other but real love ain't enough

[Blanco]

Heroin has actually become a major epidemic in my area. It's something that wasn't getting much attention for a while, but in the last couple of years, a series of investigative pieces my the local papers have thrown a light on just how out of hand it is. I kid you not, I just saw on social media this morning some friends lamenting the loss of a classmate who OD'ed this week.

 

Point is, this is not something to take lightly nor is it something that love, chemistry, the spark, or any other sort of intangible can defeat. The guy doesn't need to be a junkie to potentially turn up dead from his usage.

 

I can relate to rarely feeling that jolt of chemistry with many potential partners, but I still have to question where your head is at that you would continue to be with this man. You seem like you are wildly underestimating how powerful heroin addiction is while overestimating your own ability to "deal" with being paired up to a heroin addict.

[ExpatInItaly]

Heroin has actually become a major epidemic in my area. It's something that wasn't getting much attention for a while, but in the last couple of years, a series of investigative pieces my the local papers have thrown a light on just how out of hand it is. I kid you not, I just saw on social media this morning some friends lamenting the loss of a classmate who OD'ed this week.

 

Point is, this is not something to take lightly nor is it something that love, chemistry, the spark, or any other sort of intangible can defeat. The guy doesn't need to be a junkie to potentially turn up dead from his usage.

 

I can relate to rarely feeling that jolt of chemistry with many potential partners, but I still have to question where your head is at that you would continue to be with this man. You seem like you are wildly underestimating how powerful heroin addiction is while overestimating your own ability to "deal" with being paired up to a heroin addict.

 

That is what I find so alarming here, too.

 

Your guy is knowingly and willingly gambling with his life every time he shoots up, Leigh. It doesn't need to be daily use to be deadly. I also hope for your sake he's not sharing needles. I imagine he's telling you he hasn't, and perhaps that's true, but please don't let that stop you from properly protecting and screening yourself.

 

Sparks and compatibility will mean nothing if he overdoses or passes on some blood-borne illness to you.

[NuevoYorko]

I posted before I read that you're back together.

 

What is his drug of choice?

[No_Go]

Sorry that I'm answering for Leigh, but she wrote he is injecting speed...

 

I posted before I read that you're back together.

 

What is his drug of choice?

[Been]

She likes the drama-the us against the world.

She is young enough to eventually overcome it.

But she'll pay a price.

The thing with addicts is when you first get back togeather they are on their BEST behavior. But it doesn't last.

An addict can only stay clean when THEY want to. Not for anybody else. THEY have to face their demons. THEY have to confront who they have become and what they want to do about it.

I've seen people get the entire family/friends behind them in support and do nothing but disappoint.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, how many times have you been broken up in the past months? From your posts, I remember at least 3. On-off relationships are very disfunctional, ask any therapist.

 

Addicts need at least an year to be sober before engaging into relationships, actually you're doing him a bad favor - you're enabling his behavior/addiction by being with him.

 

If you really love him - let him go for now, let him go through treatment, whatever time it takes (an year is the minimum from what I've read... but that's up to the doctors). And THEN, when he's fully recovered - you can try to have a healthy relationship together.

 

Now you're just repeating the on-off cycle.

 

 

We weren't on off. We just had a drawn out break up.

 

For a year prior we were very happy and stable.

 

He is not active. He doesn't use anymore. He was clean nearly two years prior to me. He relapsed once while with me.

 

He has no intention of using again. He knows he cannot use even once, and feel good about it.

[Leigh 87]

When you have true love you don't throw in thr towel unless they cheat, you fall out of love or they are active addicts who refuse to quit and get help.

 

That is how I operate.

 

I believe he will stay clean and like most addicts, relapse once every few years or so.

 

It is what they do after the relapse that counts;so they went and took drugs. Those committed to recovery will then go right back to quitting for years.

 

I don't believe all addicts are in hopeless situation nor can't have romantic relationships.

 

Both of us were loving the single life and believe me, we both wanted to be single after our break up.

 

I dunno. We just made each other so happy on a regular daily basis. We always felt lucky to come home to each other.

[No_Go]

He's active - he just used a few days ago, right?

 

And then before when he lost his job?

 

Pls watch out because he can get abusive - verbal to physical is a quick transition and prolonged break up gives a good ground...

 

I also just had a drawn out break up (took 2-3 months because we were living together), so I know very well how sh*tty it feels

[ExpatInItaly]

We weren't on off. We just had a drawn out break up.

 

For a year prior we were very happy and stable.

 

He is not active. He doesn't use anymore. He was clean nearly two years prior to me. He relapsed once while with me.

 

He has no intention of using again. He knows he cannot use even once, and feel good about it.

 

When did he relapse?

 

You mentioned earlier he also gets very moody and even verbally abusive. How often was this happening?

[NuevoYorko]

 

Cue the folks who will assume the worst and qssume he will become destitute and homeless since he is an addict.

Like I said in my earlier post, there are plenty of addicts who are able to keep a job; hopefully this doesn't result in the death or disfigurement of any people. An addict can't manage a healthy relationship. Notice I said HEALTHY; that's key. I get the impression that you don't need much out of a relationship besides earth shattering sex and many compliments, so maybe this will work out for you.

 

 

I believe he will stay clean and like most addicts, relapse once every few years or so.

That's completely false. Most addicts don't relapse once every few years. That's the difference between an ADDICT and a recreational drug user; the recreational user can actually do drugs once every few years. When the addict relapses, it's a huge setback.

 

If he is an addict who regularly "slips," you can be assured of this: You don't know the half of it, where his drug use is concerned.

 

What exactly is his program for maintaining? Does he drink?

[Blanco]

Well, I wish the OP all the best, but frankly, there are red flags galore that suggest doubling down and sticking with this relationship is going to be a huge mistake long term. This isn't a weird quirk or two we're talking about. We're talking addiction to one of the most powerful drugs out there. Love and gooey feelings don't usually stand a chance against such a beast.

 

I've not read everything, so I will assume that eventually having children is off the table.

[Leigh 87]

When did he relapse?

 

You mentioned earlier he also gets very moody and even verbally abusive. How often was this happening?

 

Towards the end he was struggling with his cravings. I flipped out and started causing issues in order to push him away; my therapist and I realised this in hindsight.

 

I was just very frustrated. He changed careers to his dream job (driving thr biggest trucks pays welll and is actually a skilled job despite the misconception ). He was doing so well, we had a magic relationship. Best friends with the best sex of our lives. It was a quite calm by the way the initial euphoria ended and we were very secure and settled in.

 

He relapsed months ago. Kept his job and has since bee promoted to a better role.

 

I left and said that in order for me to want to gjve him the benefit of the doubt that he needs to seek and try out additional support and therapy. Whatever it takes to give him the best shot at a full recovery.

[ExpatInItaly]

What support or therapy is he now going to be receiving?

[Leigh 87]

Like I said in my earlier post, there are plenty of addicts who are able to keep a job; hopefully this doesn't result in the death or disfigurement of any people. An addict can't manage a healthy relationship. Notice I said HEALTHY; that's key. I get the impression that you don't need much out of a relationship besides earth shattering sex and many compliments, so maybe this will work out for you.

 

That's completely false. Most addicts don't relapse once every few years. That's the difference between an ADDICT and a recreational drug user; the recreational user can actually do drugs once every few years. When the addict relapses, it's a huge setback.

 

If he is an addict who regularly "slips," you can be assured of this: You don't know the half of it, where his drug use is concerned.

 

What exactly is his program for maintaining? Does he drink?

 

To the contrary, I much prefer being single to every single relationshi I've ever experienced. I am not that monogamous by nature and I literally need a GREAT relationship for me to even bother with it these days.

 

I was excited to be single again.

 

So I am the polar opposite to most women who all want relationships and babies and marriage.

 

I just want him and our life together. It isn't a relationship I crave. I just laugh more and am happier with this special person in my life. We share a special connection and have always looked forward to coming home to one another.

 

We share the same life goals and are great friends. 80%of a relationship is friendship and compatibility based. I am well aware that the amazing chemistry means buggar all in the grand scheme.

[Leigh 87]

What support or therapy is he now going to be receiving?

 

Well, we are going to weigh up all the options first. See if we can find someone who sticks. It takes the right therapist for the job on a personal level and then they need to employ the right therapy methods.

[Leigh 87]

Well, I wish the OP all the best, but frankly, there are red flags galore that suggest doubling down and sticking with this relationship is going to be a huge mistake long term. This isn't a weird quirk or two we're talking about. We're talking addiction to one of the most powerful drugs out there. Love and gooey feelings don't usually stand a chance against such a beast.

 

I've not read everything, so I will assume that eventually having children is off the table.

 

The only red flag is his addiction.

 

Addicts are sometimes still capable of happy relationships.

 

They aren't all better off alone for life, ignoring even propper love.

[Mrlonelyone]

I just want him and our life together. It isn't a relationship I crave. I just laugh more and am happier with this special person in my life. We share a special connection and have always looked forward to coming home to one another.

 

We share the same life goals and are great friends. 80%of a relationship is friendship and compatibility based. I am well aware that the amazing chemistry means buggar all in the grand scheme.

 

I can so relate to this. Lots of people just want a relationship with someone ANYONE for the practical and social benefits of it. Someone to share expenses with, have unprotected sex, build a family, take care of eachother...not to mention the social status of being part of a couple.

 

NO passion all practicality.

 

You and I meet a special person once every few years at the most that we really connect with. Unless there is that real passion we won't bother.

[Leigh 87]

I can so relate to this. Lots of people just want a relationship with someone ANYONE for the practical and social benefits of it. Someone to share expenses with, have unprotected sex, build a family, take care of eachother...not to mention the social status of being part of a couple.

 

NO passion all practicality.

 

You and I meet a special person once every few years at the most that we really connect with. Unless there is that real passion we won't bother.

 

I think most couples have some passion.

 

But most don't have the 10 chemistry and 10 compatibility.

 

The happiest lasting relationships tend to have the 6 or 7 chemistry and 10 compatibility.

 

With me, of I start with a 7 in the sparks department. .. where I am not sold on him but there is sufficient attraction to sleep together and enjoy it without it being crazy good-

 

Then the 7 chemistry ends up as a 4 or 5. Indifference from my part. Using them as a human masturbatory tool. The zest I have for them was never there with the 7s.

 

When it starts at a 10... the special kind of a spark, where every text or call makes you light up when it's them..

 

Even THAT 10 turns into a 7 or 8 after the initial euphoria wears off.

 

It is a very personal choice; what makes most happy won't do it for everyone.

 

Having a few amazing years with him is worth it even if we eventually break up due to his addiction.

 

I would rather have as long as possible with the love of my life, than a get with a non addict who I surey won't also get the 10 chemistry and 10 compatibility with.

[NuevoYorko]

Does he drive long haul? In case you have different lingo, in the USA "long haul" refers to long distance trucking, where the driver is away from home for extended periods.

 

How did you find out he was using again? Did you find his paraphernalia, see him shooting up, or was it his behavior?

[NuevoYorko]

 

So I am the polar opposite to most women who all want relationships and babies and marriage.

Um ... would you please give up on telling us all what "most women" want? You don't know. Thanks!

 

I just want him and our life together. It isn't a relationship I crave. I just laugh more and am happier with this special person in my life. We share a special connection and have always looked forward to coming home to one another.

 

We share the same life goals and are great friends. 80%of a relationship is friendship and compatibility based. I am well aware that the amazing chemistry means buggar all in the grand scheme.

 

Ok, I do wish you the best. I have a question, though. Why do you mind that he shoots up speed? He's still working, you have fun and sex, so why is it an issue?

[Leigh 87]

He told me when he used again. Plus I could tell even if he hadn't. It's obvious.

 

I believe he told me of all the times he used during the relapse.

 

He just sounded different when on the drugs. I highly doubt he'd risk his career and use when on overnight long hauls;it's his dream job. He loves it.

 

He seems like an honest guy. I've never had bad gut feelings surrounding him at any stage of the relationship.

 

And of course I am not bloody okay with him shooting up speed! It's filthy and disgusting. It ruins lives. No one who does it regularly is mentally or physically healthy.

[Mrlonelyone]

I get what you mean. Having experienced great compatibility and great chemistry and passion only to have it not work out for other reasons two or three times in three decades of dating life... it is hard to settle for less.

 

This year I am going to try to. You are right, when you have all of that going on it never really works out.

 

 

Um ... would you please give up on telling us all what "most women" want? You don't know. Thanks!

 

 

In the USA (and Canada/UK by cultural osmosis) we have a strong stereotype backed by social pressure to be married settle with 2.5 kids and 1.5 pets and all that by age 30 or 35 or 40 at most. So the story goes, women are supposed to be so hungry for a family that they'll settle.

 

I think she was speaking to the stereotype.

Edited January 16, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[Popsicle]

I hope it works out.

 

But one question, will you go thru the same breakup again next time he relapses?

[Leigh 87]

I hope it works out.

 

But one question, will you go thru the same breakup again next time he relapses?

 

No.

 

I accept he's an addict.

 

So long as he goes straight back to being clean after a relapse, and things are otherwise good, I view it as the one bad element to the relationship I need to deal with. For others, they get their non addict partners but lack some chemistry or compatibility. Very hard to get a me responsible goody two shoes AND magnificent chemistry AND amazing compatibility.

 

I got the chemistry and compatibility; only the addiction obviously lessens the compatibility side since no addit is compatible with anyone unless they work hard at staying clean and legitimately wish to be clean.

 

I also have hope that he will be a functional one who can maintain his job and a healthy relationship, with the aid of professional help and leading a positive and healthy lifestyle. We really were very happy most of the time.

[Leigh 87]

I hope it works out.

 

But one question, will you go thru the same breakup again next time he relapses?

 

There are plenty of addicts who go onto have happy relationships and manage their cravings and addictions.

 

When you get true love, you take that chance. All within reason of course.

 

I am taking some precautions;I am loving with parents currently until he maintains his clean streak another year.

 

When we move in, he will have been clean a year and doing well.

 

He was clean nearly two years prior to me. Relapsed few months back.