When you still love each other but real love ain't enough

[Leigh 87]

I wrote several posts and a thread about the right kind of love.

 

I want to defend this guy I still reside with, he really didn't treat me mean to keep me keen, nor did he csuse any doubts in my mind. I always knew he was into me in a big way, I never had to guess. He was very good to me.

 

In my thread, I highlighted that some feelings are falsely generated for reasons such as loneliness, or fueld by drama which generates fake chemistry.

 

I have never fallen for men based on the fact they are elusive lol or unpredictable. I felt the spark instantly due to chemistry and then 9/10 times I instantly lost all my feelings the moment the guys were wish washy or not as into me as I was into them.

 

Like most women I can attest to having been into one guy DUE to drama that made it exciting. And it definitely wasn't genuine love it was me being bored lol send seeking thrills. He definitely wasn't someone I had real feelings for or took long to get over. I realised very soon my so called feelings were primarily due to the drama.

 

Some of us are very self aware women when it comes to men and feelings.

 

I know for a fact that chemistry and excitement are not always only a symptom of drama and dis function. I have felt instant sparks for stable reliable men.

[Leigh 87]

To be honest if I knew right away that he was an addict attempting to recover..... and our relationship began with drama....... I would have run. Not walked

 

I see a therapist and yes we have ascertained that I am not into men who are not into me and who cause drama.

 

This guy may be an addict but please don't pass judgment. He has been a decent guy. My parents think he'd do anything for me.

[ExpatInItaly]

If he is willing to seek treatment only if it means keeping you, then he's not ready to give up drugs. He will relapse because he's not doing it for himself.

 

He doesn't know if formal treatment will help, because he has never bothered to try, from the sounds of it. His way of "treating" himself isn't working. He's still using. You said he recently binged for an entire week - what drug is he using? Where was he during this time?

 

The bottom line is that this either is or isn't a deal-breaker for you. You either are or aren't fine with a boyfriend who uses.

 

Are you unsure if you two are actually going to break up? You mentioned it is pending. What would you like to see happen here, ideally?

[Leigh 87]

If he is willing to seek treatment only if it means keeping you, then he's not ready to give up drugs. He will relapse because he's not doing it for himself.

 

He doesn't know if formal treatment will help, because he has never bothered to try, from the sounds of it. His way of "treating" himself isn't working. He's still using. You said he recently binged for an entire week - what drug is he using? Where was he during this time?

 

The bottom line is that this either is or isn't a deal-breaker for you. You either are or aren't fine with a boyfriend who uses.

 

Are you unsure if you two are actually going to break up? You mentioned it is pending. What would you like to see happen here, ideally?

 

 

 

He was clean for nearly 2 years when he met me. He started shooting up speed 8 or so months into our relationship. At first he did it once every two weeks or so until I left, went to my parents and he went on a week long binge.

 

He then said he wanted help. He was disgusted. That I was what he wanted and he never wanted to use again.

 

He acknowledged that he could never ever have the best of both worlds which is progress for any addict; he thought he could use on occasion and maintain a healthy relationship and keep his job. After the binge he said that he know knows he needs to get clean for good.

 

He went on to change careers and get in with his dream company earning decent money. He was doing so well.

 

We were very loved up still and secure in our love. He has told me verbally that I am the One, the love of his life several times and showed through actions. The positives of our relationship were that we made each other laugh a lot every day, we did share a genuine connection that isn't easy to find, we had very high lust and we have the same views on marriage and kids.

 

The cons? He is sometimes a moody son of a a b*tch:sick: never violent but his urges to use drugs can rule and suck him into a vortex of depression.

 

He he brought me down with him. I could feel it. We are very connected.

 

He finds life eplty without drugs.

 

Nothing feels as good to him as drugs.

 

He is happy some of the time.

 

His deepest desire is to live a clean and stable life but he's an addict so I couldn't imagine that it is very fun to feel empty, regularly doubt you will be able to never get high again, and feel very depressed at times.

 

I believe he will relapse again but it won't be for a while and he won't go on a binge again. I think without help, he will occasionally relapse and then stop before it gets bad as he is a working man who would never give up the lifestyle that a full time job affords.

 

I want to gain courage to leave the house and invite him to get professional help, before I will consider reconciliation.

 

The quick fix is to remain by his side because I LOVE HIM, ugh, and no one makes me laugh like he does. We have two adorable dogs:(

 

He is a good person. He is so so so loyal and not sex orientated I have never felt so secure in terms of cheating.

 

This guy need my love and support. For me this is true love, as I am not willing to just call it quits when I know he is inherently a decent person who would be loyal. He tells me I look pretty every week, enough to know it is genuine but not over the top which perfectly suited me. He is perfect for me in lanky ways:(. He shows affection and verbally tells me that wow I am looking even prettier lately , just the right amount for me and my personal needs (I am turned off when the compliments are incessant or over the top, but I still prefer regular compliments, he fulfills his role how I had dreamed of).

 

All of my female friends said they would have left. And sure, I will leave if he doesn't manage his addiction with professional help. I just am not one to throw away true love. I get attention, I am a slim hourglass with nice teeth but let's face it, a loyal man who clicks with you and you have high chemistry AND compatibility with is rare.

 

Even pretty girls don't go and find the spark with a compatible men very often. Only one of my friends has it in fact. The rest had to compromise on either chemistry or compatibility.

 

Look I know I need to leave. He has previously tried rehab but found it to be counter intuitive; he was forced to sit around and talk about his drug use daily which didn't help him. Although I am confident that it is a matter of finding the right therapist, it is never usually a one stop shop for addicts. They usually need to seek help from multiple professionals before they find one that sticks...

[Leigh 87]

If he is willing to seek treatment only if it means keeping you, then he's not ready to give up drugs. He will relapse because he's not doing it for himself.

 

He doesn't know if formal treatment will help, because he has never bothered to try, from the sounds of it. His way of "treating" himself isn't working. He's still using. You said he recently binged for an entire week - what drug is he using? Where was he during this time?

 

The bottom line is that this either is or isn't a deal-breaker for you. You either are or aren't fine with a boyfriend who uses.

 

Are you unsure if you two are actually going to break up? You mentioned it is pending. What would you like to see happen here, ideally?

 

 

 

I am not fine with a BF who uses. Pot smoking I could tolerate. Not shooting up though not hard drugs:sick:

 

He knows this. He knows I would leave. He knows drug use is a deal breaker.

 

He does want to get clean. That he wants for himself.

 

He just isn't sure he is strong enough to never take drugs again. There is nothing in life that feels as good as getting high to addicts. They essentially have to accept a watered down life.

 

.... cue me leaving. He can go and enjoy his occasional relapses or drug use all to himself while I get on with my life and make myself available to other options, who may be able to offer me up the same intensity of connection without being addicts.

 

It would be hard to find this sort of connection again coupled with such good compatibility but hey, I would probably find it eventually. Better to wait 10 years and get it ALL (connection and compatibility minus addictions) than to accept less NOW, cos it is so hard to give up on a person you're supposed to demonstrate true love towards:(

[Leigh 87]

I am halfway through a medical degree. While conceptually has it is not hard, it is a lot of work. It is rated the same workload as engineering to give you an idea.

 

I can't bloody deal with him relapsing, losing his job and ability to pay rent (he supports me) just before my exams:mad: I just cannot put my expensive degree and college education on the line for a man who refused to get the help he needs. He thinks he can do this all himself.

 

I have done my research. Some erxpertd agree that treatment is not always necessary unless they are physically addicted to heroin or the like.

 

he does WANT a clean life. He WISHES he could not crave getting high.

 

I am sitting on my decision. He knows I have one foot out the door. He wouldn't be surprised if I moved out tomorrow.

 

He says I can do better.

[ExpatInItaly]

He's right, Leigh.

 

You can do better.

[Leigh 87]

Update.

 

I am currently packing. I am leaving tonight.

 

I am going no contact.

 

Sigh. Another two gorgeous dogs gone.

 

Oh well. I got over the other 4 dogs I lost in 2013.

 

My kelpie is cuddling and licking me as I type.

[ExpatInItaly]

Good for you.

 

You won't regret this.

[Leigh 87]

This sucks.

 

I messed up heaps too. It wasn't just his addiction. I am positive he has a good chance at curbing the addiction and leading a productive life.

 

I am sad.

 

I am physically out of the house and back with parents (aint gunna be working 30 hrs a week during a full on medical degree just to rent a room some place) but I am not yet ready for no contact.

 

It is just too much at this stage, it is my 30th Friday and I need a week or two to still chat on facebook before cutting the contact chord.

 

[No_Go]

Be strong! At least you have the support of your parents... You have a lot ahead of you, get the degree, start your business, become independent... Don't throw it to trash but this guy. I'm sure you love him but he's an addict. Addicts ALWAYS love their substances (drugs, alcohol whatever) more than anything and anybody. I'm saying it as a daughter of one.

 

I am out of a RL as well. We lived together for over an year, it is all so sore now. I thought I will marry him. When I was moving out he was telling me about where and how he was planning to propose to me :sick: but now he didn't want me anymore.

 

I have had such a turmoil in the end of the RL that I'm numb now. Just function mechanically, but you know what? We'll both get over our exes. If it was meant to be it would have been. Love by itself is not enough - it is just the glue.

 

 

 

This sucks.

 

I messed up heaps too. It wasn't just his addiction. I am positive he has a good chance at curbing the addiction and leading a productive life.

 

I am sad.

 

I am physically out of the house and back with parents (aint gunna be working 30 hrs a week during a full on medical degree just to rent a room some place) but I am not yet ready for no contact.

 

It is just too much at this stage, it is my 30th Friday and I need a week or two to still chat on facebook before cutting the contact chord.

 

[Leigh 87]

I can't accept a life without him we had something special.

 

How do you know that I will get over him?

 

You do know that many folks are not married to the love of their lives, right ? Like 70%of people surveyed this one time admitted this. Only one couple I have ever met are the loves of each other's lives.

 

I am not into kids or marriage so I am the type who only feels motivated to be with the love of my life.

 

He was mine so now I just need to enjoy flings since flings with the spark at least, are more preferable to lifelong monogamy with the same guy who I skipped all the intense feelings with that I felt with the great love of my life.

 

This guy was my only shot at the relationship thing. I literally felt so so thankful each night I got to fall asleep next to him.

 

So don't tell me oh, I'll be over it. I may never find a guy I love this much again. Sure I have options. But I will never want to accept less than the love I had with him.

[No_Go]

I don't believe he was your *only* shot for a relationship.

 

You've said yourself you have had before one more guy that you thought was 'the One' for you, right?

 

It is rare to find a good connection but not impossible, and if you don't want kids - you can date A LOT, for years, chances are high you'll meet a special someone.

 

Plus life is not *only* relationships - you can get over a RL by engaging into other activities - work, studies, volunteering etc - to refocus your life. No one stops you from doing that.

 

 

I can't accept a life without him we had something special.

 

How do you know that I will get over him?

 

You do know that many folks are not married to the love of their lives, right ? Like 70%of people surveyed this one time admitted this. Only one couple I have ever met are the loves of each other's lives.

 

I am not into kids or marriage so I am the type who only feels motivated to be with the love of my life.

 

He was mine so now I just need to enjoy flings since flings with the spark at least, are more preferable to lifelong monogamy with the same guy who I skipped all the intense feelings with that I felt with the great love of my life.

 

This guy was my only shot at the relationship thing. I literally felt so so thankful each night I got to fall asleep next to him.

 

So don't tell me oh, I'll be over it. I may never find a guy I love this much again. Sure I have options. But I will never want to accept less than the love I had with him.

[Mrlonelyone]

I can't accept a life without him we had something special.

 

How do you know that I will get over him?

 

You do know that many folks are not married to the love of their lives, right ? Like 70%of people surveyed this one time admitted this. Only one couple I have ever met are the loves of each other's lives.

 

I am not into kids or marriage so I am the type who only feels motivated to be with the love of my life.

 

He was mine so now I just need to enjoy flings since flings with the spark at least, are more preferable to lifelong monogamy with the same guy who I skipped all the intense feelings with that I felt with the great love of my life.

 

This guy was my only shot at the relationship thing. I literally felt so so thankful each night I got to fall asleep next to him.

 

So don't tell me oh, I'll be over it. I may never find a guy I love this much again. Sure I have options. But I will never want to accept less than the love I had with him.

Leigh, you have posted here a while as have I so I feel a sort of knowing you that ...I have sent a private message with some real life details.

 

You and others here remember a girl I wrote about name M? M and I didn't live together we just worked together, locked in a small room, mostly just us, for 14 hours a day and most of that time we were hanging out, talking, and fooling around. Chasing each other around the tables, catching eachother sometimes. It may be recalled that we never really defined what we were by a talk but by actions.

 

I helped M out with pep talks and advice on how to survive school. She was there for me when my father was sick and almost died to to the long term effects of smoking.

 

I traveled and met her family and was accepted by all of them. They fit so well with mine having similar educations and careers.

 

We fit together and even our families seemed to fit together. For a moment I thought I had found the one.

 

At the end due to really ordinary arguments about the future it all came to an end yet we were still fooling around a bit right up to when I graduated and left. We both tried and did find other people to fool around with almost immediately but did it in a way that was as much about trying to make the other jealous. The last thing we did was even after all that some really intense "dry sex", full body make out... UK calls it Snogging, I suppose).

 

IT NEVER FELT SETTLED and really over.

 

After it was done I wrote a tribute to her in my MS thesis. She then spent two years doing scientific research on an area that she showed no interest in prior to that. Published scientific research on an aliment my father suffered. That's real love.

 

Screwing is so easy to find in any major city on any given night. It is no challenge if one is willing to get out there enough.

 

Real love is rare and more precious than platinum.

 

If six months from now you still feel like it was real love with this man and he feels the same give it a try.

[Mrlonelyone]

I don't believe he was your *only* shot for a relationship.

 

You've said yourself you have had before one more guy that you thought was 'the One' for you, right?

 

It is rare to find a good connection but not impossible, and if you don't want kids - you can date A LOT, for years, chances are high you'll meet a special someone.

 

Plus life is not *only* relationships - you can get over a RL by engaging into other activities - work, studies, volunteering etc - to refocus your life. No one stops you from doing that.

As for his drug problems. No one is perfect. I certainly am not, neither was M. My parents aren't and they are married for 40 years.

 

Part of loving someone is having to accept that imperfection. Part of them loving you back is their trying to overcome their imperfection...while you love their efforts.

 

Don't go through life thinking you need someone flawless to experience real love. No one is flawless.

[No_Go]

Addictions fall into a separate category - it is not an 'imperfection', it is a severe illness that damages you and makes you unable to love. As said, I'm personally very affected by it as my father died from his alcohol addiction at 55. And made our lives hell the years before.

 

Otherwise - nobody is perfect, sure. I forgave my last BF for messaging women on dating sites while signing our second lease together... I forgave my first BF for physically attacking me... But RL with an addict is IMO one of the worst case scenarios that you can put yourself into.

 

As no one is perfect - no one is 'the One'. We can meet many 'the One'-s in the span of our lifetime.

 

 

As for his drug problems. No one is perfect. I certainly am not, neither was M. My parents aren't and they are married for 40 years.

 

Part of loving someone is having to accept that imperfection. Part of them loving you back is their trying to overcome their imperfection...while you love their efforts.

 

Don't go through life thinking you need someone flawless to experience real love. No one is flawless.

[Mrlonelyone]

Addictions fall into a separate category - it is not an 'imperfection', it is a severe illness that damages you and makes you unable to love. As said, I'm personally very affected by it as my father died from his alcohol addiction at 55. And made our lives hell the years before.

 

Otherwise - nobody is perfect, sure. I forgave my last BF for messaging women on dating sites while signing our second lease together... I forgave my first BF for physically attacking me... But RL with an addict is IMO one of the worst case scenarios that you can put yourself into.

 

As no one is perfect - no one is 'the One'. We can meet many 'the One'-s in the span of our lifetime.

 

Your talking about another thing all together. The OP's BF had his habits but he didn't withhold affection or hit her.

 

Abuse is not OK cheating is not ok. But simply having a drinking or drug problem is not abuse.

[Sweetfish]

I can't accept a life without him we had something special.

 

How do you know that I will get over him?

 

You do know that many folks are not married to the love of their lives, right ? Like 70%of people surveyed this one time admitted this. Only one couple I have ever met are the loves of each other's lives.

 

I am not into kids or marriage so I am the type who only feels motivated to be with the love of my life.

 

He was mine so now I just need to enjoy flings since flings with the spark at least, are more preferable to lifelong monogamy with the same guy who I skipped all the intense feelings with that I felt with the great love of my life.

 

This guy was my only shot at the relationship thing. I literally felt so so thankful each night I got to fall asleep next to him.

 

So don't tell me oh, I'll be over it. I may never find a guy I love this much again. Sure I have options. But I will never want to accept less than the love I had with him.

 

No you won't be over him ever.

Anything saying less than that is feeding you B.S.

 

But stop looking for perfection and stop looking for a unicorn. Stop thinking you deserve the best and be thankful to be a 7/10 (with makeup lol)

 

Look if you poll a bunch of people and asked if they like their job, their current situation, their own self 70% would be unhappy.

 

So whats your point... humans are greedy by nature?

 

I have to take back some previous comments as i see you are self aware though and you seem to have a more understanding of your emotions and actions. So will call you a special case lol.

 

I really want to see your counter this next statement, however

 

Learn to spark your self.

 

Your jumping from guy to guy... to find some external power source to your idea of perfection. How about appericate a man for loving you and your faults and not all men are going display how crazy they are about you... because a lot of men just dont display this passion sometimes...they internalize it and you only see it when they get dumped.

 

Your story is not unique... its like every other hurt women or man on this site who is the dumper. Its just you packaged differently.

 

You love him... your just not in love anymore. Simple.

 

You made a decision that this man you will not kiss, love, or engage in a romantic relationship anymore.

 

You just can't come to terms with saying that... most women usually have a backup plan to emotionally attach them selves to another man or group of people so the pain is less. You on the other hand are so self aware your making rational moments and it hurts more... You are thinking more like a man than a woman.

 

 

Its going to hurt more in a sense to you knowly have to hurt you and the other person. In a sense the pain will be like being a dumper and dumpee combined.

 

His OW is heroin and in a sense he is choosing the "OW" and you have to bear the pain of dumping him.

[Mrlonelyone]

You love him... your just not in love anymore. Simple.

 

I think the OP is just talking about the fact that sometimes love is not enough.

 

His OW is heroin and in a sense he is choosing the "OW" and you have to bear the pain of dumping him.

 

THIS.

[Leigh 87]

Lonely One - Thanks for the PM - you have helped me feel a lot better. I will read it soon, although your posts already brought me some comfort.

 

I cannot believe that you understand how I feel regarding true love! I honestly only know 2 couples, out of ALL the couples I have EVER heard of or met - who have true love. Where they felt the instant magic and a genuine spark and chemistry that makes you want one another (that is largely manufactured by people due to them wanting a relationship and partner more so than they want the big love).

 

So I know two couples, my parents and a friend of mine, who found the magic. ALL the other couples settled by my standards. They either missed the magic infatuation stage where the spark is born, and bypassed falling In love and grew in love slowly instead - which I could personally never feel happy with, since I do not feel humans are monogamous by nature and you need to have that lingering spark left over from the infatuation stage to motivate ME, personally, to want to commit.

 

I am sex and passion driven and hedonistic by nature and not very monogamous, UNLESS I happen to meet a great love type of deal - or else I am a lot happier single. I AM NOT discounting compatibility; I AM NOT saying that my way is best for EVERYONE, and it is in fact not a good idea for those who want kids to adopt my method that works for me, since they may never find the true love in time to reproduce like most women want.

 

I just need the magic AND compatibility. Aside from that? all I need is for him to have a full time job or be studying full time with a track record of full time work - and for them to want a productive and healthy life. That is all. Could not give two hoots if the man I fall for is fat, ugly or obese. Whatever.

Another thing about me is - I NEVER discriminated based on looks income or status. For me it has ALWAYS been about being open to the big love, with someone compatible and who treats me well.

 

No Go - the addiction part is moot sorry - I can accept an addict if they hold down a full time job and get help, and stay productive and functional. He was crazy about me mostly, smitten and was affectionate. He was only withdrawn when things started going to sht with us as a couple. Of course I would rather not date an addict but if everything is is PERFECT for me, which he was, I can overlook it.

 

And also - no, I have never had any inclination that any other man was the One. I HAVE, however, had instant magnetic sparks where we could not keep away from one another despite some no nos (such as them seeing someone else, I know, naughty, but they made out that the girl was just casual, LOL).

 

So I have had the instant magic a few times but without the strong emotional connection I had with my ex. I WANTED these men to be into me, since the magic AND compatibility is the best thing in the world to have. But yeah, I later realised we just didn't click the way I had hoped.

 

The reality is - I will likely meet instant wow factors a few times, where we are both intrigued by one another and cannot get enough sex - without any emotional connections forged. I will likely encounter a lot of shallow connections that meet my standard for passion, but have to settle if I want long term commitment one day in the distant future.

 

As I get old (when my looks start to fade and passion is not as important) perhaps I will prefer to take the route most women take; they pick someone with good values and who they love being around, and so long as they are attracted enough to have sex with them, they date, without the fireworks or sparks.

 

For now though, and for the foreseeable future, I will just enjoy my great new career in a years time or so when I graduate, overseas travel and my dog rescue project. I have a lot to enjoy in my life without the need for romantic relationships, but I am sexual and thankfully as a woman, would have no issues obtaining willing participants to service me on that front:lmao:

[Leigh 87]

No you won't be over him ever.

Anything saying less than that is feeding you B.S.

 

But stop looking for perfection and stop looking for a unicorn. Stop thinking you deserve the best and be thankful to be a 7/10 (with makeup lol)

 

Look if you poll a bunch of people and asked if they like their job, their current situation, their own self 70% would be unhappy.

 

So whats your point... humans are greedy by nature?

 

I have to take back some previous comments as i see you are self aware though and you seem to have a more understanding of your emotions and actions. So will call you a special case lol.

 

I really want to see your counter this next statement, however

 

Learn to spark your self.

 

Your jumping from guy to guy... to find some external power source to your idea of perfection. How about appericate a man for loving you and your faults and not all men are going display how crazy they are about you... because a lot of men just dont display this passion sometimes...they internalize it and you only see it when they get dumped.

 

Your story is not unique... its like every other hurt women or man on this site who is the dumper. Its just you packaged differently.

 

You love him... your just not in love anymore. Simple.

 

You made a decision that this man you will not kiss, love, or engage in a romantic relationship anymore.

 

You just can't come to terms with saying that... most women usually have a backup plan to emotionally attach them selves to another man or group of people so the pain is less. You on the other hand are so self aware your making rational moments and it hurts more... You are thinking more like a man than a woman.

 

 

Its going to hurt more in a sense to you knowly have to hurt you and the other person. In a sense the pain will be like being a dumper and dumpee

 

 

I do not expect perfection. Far from it. I am open to falling for a guy who is fat, bald, short, tatts or no tatts, dark skin or pale skin. Whatever triggers me to feel a spark I am open to it, and then as long as they seem like a nice guy I will go on to date them. I do not need them to have a decent job as long as they work full time. They can be on a low or medium income. I do not care what actual job it is that they have.

 

I was open to dating an addict FFS:lmao: That is hardly expecting perfection.

 

My two main things that motivate me to be in a relationship are: the magic, must feel the spark naturally from the beginning. I am simply not motivated to take calls or chat to men who I am not excited to hear from. That is what friends are for. My sex life is reserved for sparks and men who get my excited.

 

The next thing aside from the spark, which is not all that uncommon especially if you are cute to attractive as a female with a good vibe - is compatibility. You obviously need to be well suited to each other if the spark and chemistry is to be of any use in conjunction with a long term relationship.

 

So asking to be excited about the person I am going to date, and to feel that THING that you feel for a new dating partner, that THING that separates how you feel for THEM, as opposed to how you feel about meeting up with a good friend - wanting to feel excited and different about a lover than you do a friend is not asking for too much or expecting perfection, in my opinion.

 

When my phone beeps I need to get giddy and excited if it is a sweet text from them. I do not feel any inclination to date men if THEIR text isn't the one I am yearning to see. I always HATED forcing myself to date men simply because they were " nice guys"; I would receive a text or phone call from them, and my heart would drop because I wished it was from another guy that I was more into:sick:

 

And lol, I am just honest regarding my own looks. I know I am not Gods gift to men:lmao: I am not some super hot chick, I know I am not that great. I am however, able to find men wherever I go who find me very attractive, more so than the 100% average plain Jane would. Yet I am obviously not gorgeous either due to my nose so... a 7 is what I have been rated on many dating apps like hot or not with 10s of 1000s of men and women voting. My friend all agree I am a 7. These are honest no crap types.

In any case - I am confident enough and have my own style enough for me to believe I will attract enough sheer numbers of men to eventually find true love again. And only maybe, but it will only be once more, as I do not believe true love happens more than twice.

 

Loyal loving men are rare, which I appreciate. To also find a loyal man with a lot to offer me AND to also have this magic and wow factor, the thing that makes you want to rip someones clothes off? It is akin to a small lotto win, which I also appreciate and accept.

 

I ALWAYS felt very lucky to have won the attention and affection of loyal and decent men, I knew how many women would LOVE to have had that opportunity to met these men in such rare supply. I so feel sorry for disregarding said men - but hey, I have been rejected too, plenty of times by the men I was into, so rejection is part of life the same way brushing our teeth is.

 

I feel like I should owe a sort of explanation to all the decent nice guys reading this - it is NOT YOU, it is the fact that while I am so stoked and thrilled that a guy like you was into me, I am not that monogamous or into long term partnership enough to miss out on the spark and the magic. I would only be constantly tempted to cheat on you whenever I met a man I had the spark with (but I wouldn't if I had committed to you) and I would feel like my life with you was a jail sentence. I am who I am, and do not feel that I should have to force myself and train myself to WANT babies and long term commitment simply because you are a nice guy who can offer me a lifetime of loyalty.

 

I want to leave the nice guys available to women who actually want a family and a partner. I was always happier single and travelling overseas every year and having hot flings; I only EVER felt like dating when one of the hot flings and I shared a strong emotional connection AND they seemed like a nice guy.

 

As for my level of feelings that remain for my ex - I am still in love. As you also mentioned, I will likely not get over him. I will just learn to live without him and still be productive and happy.

[umirano]

I only read the first post, so here's my story.

 

1. LTR teenage years to age 21. I broke up after 3 years because I didn't feel an intellectual connection and eventually physical attraction was gone too.

 

Single for 2 years, some flings as student.

 

2. LTR, 4 years, broke up after I fell in love with someone else, next RS

 

3. LTR, 2 years, long distance, mutual break up due to ex's depression and cannabis abuse. Crazy chemistry, important life lessons learned, good but difficult time.

 

Single for a year, one ONS. No connection whatsoever.

 

Then went on tinder, second girl became GF after 2 weeks of dating. Liked her a lot, very smart, funny, good looking, sometimes mean, difficult to talk to. Emotional artist type, maybe? I'm not sure. We broke up a few months ago, she didn't give a real reason. She said she loves me. Idk what went down. Maybe she was depressed too, she's been in treatment before we met. Maybe it was because she had to move away. We had a plan though for our future. No infidelity, we were extremely compatible. I was blind sided. I went NC immediately and haven't broken it.

 

So that last one in my opinion is a RS that ended without a reason, but I'm sure there's one. Maybe she doesn't know it herself, but she definitely hasn't told me.

[Leigh 87]

I only read the first post, so here's my story.

 

1. LTR teenage years to age 21. I broke up after 3 years because I didn't feel an intellectual connection and eventually physical attraction was gone too.

 

Single for 2 years, some flings as student.

 

2. LTR, 4 years, broke up after I fell in love with someone else, next RS

 

3. LTR, 2 years, long distance, mutual break up due to ex's depression and cannabis abuse. Crazy chemistry, important life lessons learned, good but difficult time.

 

Single for a year, one ONS. No connection whatsoever.

 

Then went on tinder, second girl became GF after 2 weeks of dating. Liked her a lot, very smart, funny, good looking, sometimes mean, difficult to talk to. Emotional artist type, maybe? I'm not sure. We broke up a few months ago, she didn't give a real reason. She said she loves me. Idk what went down. Maybe she was depressed too, she's been in treatment before we met. Maybe it was because she had to move away. We had a plan though for our future. No infidelity, we were extremely compatible. I was blind sided. I went NC immediately and haven't broken it.

 

So that last one in my opinion is a RS that ended without a reason, but I'm sure there's one. Maybe she doesn't know it herself, but she definitely hasn't told me.

 

 

 

 

What hurts me the most is that my recent ex is the only guy I legitimately saw a long term future with. Yes addiction is a long and difficult road to tread. But our day to day intimacy was through the roof we were perfect for each other so knowing he has a good chance of occasionally relapsing throughout his life was not an issue for me because I knew it would be just a relapse, he is not the type to turn into a junkie on the streets. I was confidence the relapses could be managed.

 

I actually though this guy was the life partner for me, he is the only man I have ever wanted to be monogamous for, for life. I would have never have waned my desire to be with him and only him.

 

This sucks.

[umirano]

He broke up? Maybe he felt he could not be the person he thought you want?

[Sweetfish]

I cannot believe that you understand how I feel regarding true love! I honestly only know 2 couples, out of ALL the couples I have EVER heard of or met - who have true love.

 

So I know two couples, my parents and a friend of mine, who found the magic. ALL the other couples settled by my standards.

 

So basically you only know one couple who truly loves each other and based on that assumption.. no one else knows what true love is.

 

But your gauge is your parents.. so in reality you bases of love is based on your parental up bringing.

 

Sounds more of an obession.

 

 

 

Look... more power to you and good luck.