When you still love each other but real love ain't enough

[Leigh 87]

So basically you only know one couple who truly loves each other and based on that assumption.. no one else knows what true love is.

 

But your gauge is your parents.. so in reality you bases of love is based on your parental up bringing.

 

Sounds more of an obession.

 

 

 

Look... more power to you and good luck.

 

 

 

That is not what I said.

 

I am saying - true love for me is different than what constitutes true love for others.

 

What makes most women happy (stability, a nice guy, and to be attracted enough to sleep with them) is not enough to make ME, Leigh 87, want to settle down for the rest of my life with that level of love.

 

I personally need a connection that is more rare, and great chemistry to accompany the compatibility, for me to feel "true love".

 

That is what makes is TRUE love in my eyes, for me personally; it is easy to find a nice guy and a nice girl you are compatible with and have " okay" or " good" sex with, without it being crazy good sex.

 

I could find a relationship if I wanted a nice guy who made me laugh and was compatible with me. It is no that rare or amazing or something that makes me want to settle down.

 

MOST PEOPLE feel true love in a way that does not resonate with me personally, that does not make their true love any lesser than my version of true love that applies to me.

[Leigh 87]

He broke up? Maybe he felt he could not be the person he thought you want?

 

It was mutual.

 

I have personality defects too. I am usually detached and let relationships breath, but his addiction made me clingy and not the person I know I usually am with men. I smothered him and made him lose some feelings.

 

He stop adoring me.

 

He used to adore the absolute sh*t out of me and tell me so verbally, alongside regular actions.

 

So he is still in love with me and me him - we just stopped adoring each other due to conflicts regarding his addiction.

 

I have strong faith that he will live a productive life despite his addiction.

 

We both did a lot wrong, we had growing pains and issues, neither of us are really great at relationships. We have a lot to improve before we ever date others again.

 

I will never give up on him and always be open to reconciliation if he realises he cannot live without me and will move mountains to have me in his life again. But we all know this is not the Notebook or a Fairy tail.

 

I am not stupid and know he will not come back professing his undying love for me, saying that I am the love of his life and cannot live without me:lmao:

 

Sigh. He will just.. miss me some, prob throw me some breadcrumbs if I do not go co contact SOON, and.... realise he enjoys living without me more than he did with me. Or something to that affect.

 

So much for true love. All it is, ALLL that " love of their life" crap, do you kno what it is? Two people who feel intense chemistry and emotions AND have amazing compatibility AND are the types who are mentally stable and able to hold a relationship together.

 

We had all the damn feelings of this love of their life bullcrap - shame we are not mentally stable people.

 

This sucks.

 

I am losing lots of weight and looking better though, from the 20 lbs I gained on my small ish frame.

[Leigh 87]

I am angry.

 

How dare he just... be able to move on and not realise that he is desperately missing me and incomplete without me:mad::sick:

 

Why isn't my life like a fcking movie, damn it.

 

In my mind, I assumed that meeting someone you think is The One at age 30 after meeting a lot of other hot people you were very attracted to and NOT feeling they were The One......... I thought it meant that you would do whatever it takes to make it work:(

 

I now realise there is no such thing as The One, and it is simply strong chemistry (and hence strong intensity of feelings and lust) coupled with compatibility. That is it. Not some magic " your paths crossed for a reason" bullcrap.

 

Sigh.

[RecentChange]

Well, even if it's the right thing to do, it's still hurts, and it still sucks!

 

I have to say though... Shooting up speed is no run of the mill drug addiction. This isn't like smoking weed, or even doing a few lines of coke now and then, or even like smoking heroin, or even like snorting speed.

 

Shooting up speed is an INTENSE high, that physically alters the brain in a way the user can be permanently altered. Snorting speed has a very low permanent recovery rate, shooting speed? Dismal.

 

I say this as someone who watched a number of my friends become addicts in my youth. And the. Later regarding the classes on drugs and addiction I took while obtaining my sociology degree, and from my experience working with a rehabilitation program.

 

Anyway.... Like they say. Better to have loved and lost right? It's just one more step in the journey. I am sure both of you learned a lot from each other regarding love, and how to make things work when the going gets hard.

 

And I agree with a split, I hope he is able to permanently recover - but injecting speed is - a hard one to ever completely get away from.

[Satu]

I had to leave someone I never wanted to leave

 

 

But:

 

 

As a perfume doth remain

In the folds where it hath lain,

So the thought of you, remaining

Deeply folded in my brain,

Will not leave me; all things leave me -

You remain.

 

Other thoughts may come and go,

Other moments I may know

That shall waft me, in their going,

As a breath blown to and fro,

Fragrant memories; fragrant memories

Come and go.

 

Only thoughts of you remain

In my heart where they have lain,

Perfumed thoughts of you, remaining,

A hid sweetness, in my brain.

Others leave me; all things leave me -

You remain.

- Arthur Symons

[Leigh 87]

Well, even if it's the right thing to do, it's still hurts, and it still sucks!

 

I have to say though... Shooting up speed is no run of the mill drug addiction. This isn't like smoking weed, or even doing a few lines of coke now and then, or even like smoking heroin, or even like snorting speed.

 

Shooting up speed is an INTENSE high, that physically alters the brain in a way the user can be permanently altered. Snorting speed has a very low permanent recovery rate, shooting speed? Dismal.

 

I say this as someone who watched a number of my friends become addicts in my youth. And the. Later regarding the classes on drugs and addiction I took while obtaining my sociology degree, and from my experience working with a rehabilitation program.

 

Anyway.... Like they say. Better to have loved and lost right? It's just one more step in the journey. I am sure both of you learned a lot from each other regarding love, and how to make things work when the going gets hard.

 

And I agree with a split, I hope he is able to permanently recover - but injecting speed is - a hard one to ever completely get away from.

 

 

I hate drugs.

 

They ruin so many lives, relationships and cause immense grief.

 

I personally believe he can recover. He has maintained a full time job for all of his adult life whilst using.

 

I believe he will be able to stop for a year or two, relapse but then manage to quit again. I do not think he will turn into a junkie. I think he can have a productive and happy life.

 

having me helped him a lot whilst we were happy. He loved coming home to me, laughed a lot every day with me. I helped him enjoy life again when nothing else made him happy aside from getting high.

[Leigh 87]

Well, even if it's the right thing to do, it's still hurts, and it still sucks!

 

I have to say though... Shooting up speed is no run of the mill drug addiction. This isn't like smoking weed, or even doing a few lines of coke now and then, or even like smoking heroin, or even like snorting speed.

 

Shooting up speed is an INTENSE high, that physically alters the brain in a way the user can be permanently altered. Snorting speed has a very low permanent recovery rate, shooting speed? Dismal.

 

I say this as someone who watched a number of my friends become addicts in my youth. And the. Later regarding the classes on drugs and addiction I took while obtaining my sociology degree, and from my experience working with a rehabilitation program.

 

Anyway.... Like they say. Better to have loved and lost right? It's just one more step in the journey. I am sure both of you learned a lot from each other regarding love, and how to make things work when the going gets hard.

 

And I agree with a split, I hope he is able to permanently recover - but injecting speed is - a hard one to ever completely get away from.

 

 

 

How many people can lead normal lives after becoming addicted to injecting speed?

 

Do MOST of them turn into junkies who live on the street?

 

What proportion of them manage to stay away from it, have relationships and maintain employment, and simply relapse every couple of years but without it becoming a full blown binge that causes job loss or criminal records?

[Daisy2013]

To answer your question, yes, we love each other, but it wasn't enough. Circumstances were in the way, never to be together. He is my love, and I his, but it is all that it will ever be.

[Popsicle]

Sorry Leigh, I didn't know you broke up. I went thru the same thing with my ex-bf. We were in love, at the height of it and then he goes to rehab and everything changed after that. He turned into a different person. It was so heartbreaking that I didn't even realize how heartbroken I was until about a week into him going there. We just could not recover from the effects of his addiction afterwards and it took a while for me to realize that. We are both (at least I am) still trying to recover too. I am often sad.

[Popsicle]

Oh and I just want to add that my ex got sober and then we had a break up and that caused him to go back to drinking, so don't be surprised if your stbx, starts doing drugs again once you leave him.

[Leigh 87]

Yep I know, just lovely right.

 

I could have just stop acting out ( caused the break up too due to my insecurities that were nothing to do with him as he was wonderful ) I could have stayed and supported him and helped him.

 

He loved the life we had. He would tell me all the time how happy he was to look forward to coming home to me and the dogs.

 

It could have helped.

 

Why did you remain apart after he got clean? Did you not feel a huge desire to reach out, if still in love?

[Sweetfish]

Whats your longest relationship you've had with this feeling you seek?

[Leigh 87]

Whats your longest relationship you've had with this feeling you seek?

 

 

1.25 years.

 

I am happy alone and having hot flings.

 

Settling down for the sake of babies and marriage without this feeling is a lot less desirable for me than being single and open to this feeling.

 

Without this feeling I am happy.

 

So the next best thing is to be open to this feeling and single enough to pursue it again, without being tied down simply because society says I should settle down and have kids.

[PinkPampies]

My ex husband and I had instant chemistry the moment we met until the moment we divorced. It's what kept us married as long as we were... 14 years and together a total of 18 years.

 

In the end, his alcohol and drug abuse, coupled with demons from his past that he never chose to deal with reared its ugly head, and was too much for our "love" to endure.

 

I will always love him. And him me. Been divorced 2 years now. And while I am so happy and settled in my life, he is still miserable. The demons.

[Leigh 87]

I am experiencing big waves atm.

 

One moment I am happy single and can live without him.

 

Next minute, I am in disbelief that he wants to risk being alone and losing what we had.

 

I am experienced with break ups. I know this is the norm. I just experience extreme versions of it:sick:

[PinkPampies]

How long have you been broken up?

[Leigh 87]

My ex husband and I had instant chemistry the moment we met until the moment we divorced. It's what kept us married as long as we were... 14 years and together a total of 18 years.

 

In the end, his alcohol and drug abuse, coupled with demons from his past that he never chose to deal with reared its ugly head, and was too much for our "love" to endure.

 

I will always love him. And him me. Been divorced 2 years now. And while I am so happy and settled in my life, he is still miserable. The demons.

 

 

I am so sorry.

 

Why can't he get help to manage the demons

 

Surely a life with you is worth it?

[PinkPampies]

He could get help. He chooses not to. Sometimes you have to walk away and not waste anymore of your life waiting for someone to get help.

[Sweetfish]

1.25 years.

 

I am happy alone and having hot flings.

 

Settling down for the sake of babies and marriage without this feeling is a lot less desirable for me than being single and open to this feeling.

 

Without this feeling I am happy.

 

So the next best thing is to be open to this feeling and single enough to pursue it again, without being tied down simply because society says I should settle down and have kids.

 

 

So you experienced the spark... but not been in a relationship over 2-3 years when it goes away...

 

Meaning you never pased the honeymoon period and the after effects of it.

 

So you've never experienced a full on relationship and settled down.

[Leigh 87]

So you experienced the spark... but not been in a relationship over 2-3 years when it goes away...

 

Meaning you never pased the honeymoon period and the after effects of it.

 

So you've never experienced a full on relationship and settled down.

 

 

 

I have.

 

The initial chemistry subsided in all 3 live in relationships.

 

I realise the spark ends to a degree. I read countless relationship research and studies.

 

The spark does not die long term; plenty of couples still feel a spark. It is the initial euphoria and HIGH you feel, that goes away.

 

And I loved our settled life together. The last ex and I especially. I loved coming home to him. He couldn't wait to see me after work. The initial rush was gone, living together a for a year already. We were just best friends as corny as it sounds who happened to be 80% friends and 10 to 20% lovers.

 

Relationships are mostly friendship based with 10 - 20 pure romance, even for the most loved up.

 

I get that the spark of the initial chemistry ends for all couples. I am not an imbecile.

 

I am not a love junkie who needs to hop from relationship to relationship in order to chase the high.

 

The high is what I need at the beginning, I need to be excited about someone to DATE them. But long term, I valued the boring stable life he and I shared far more than I did the initial high and thrills which were frankly, vomit inducing at times since you were soooo anxious that they were into you and that this was all for real.

[Leigh 87]

LOL... our honeymoon phase ended early due to his addiction and my issues.

 

We always had sky high lust and attraction and chemistry though. But yeah, the honeymoon ended early for us.

[umirano]

So much for true love. All it is, ALLL that " love of their life" crap, do you kno what it is? Two people who feel intense chemistry and emotions AND have amazing compatibility AND are the types who are mentally stable and able to hold a relationship together.

 

We had all the damn feelings of this love of their life bullcrap - shame we are not mentally stable people.

 

This sucks.

 

I am losing lots of weight and looking better though, from the 20 lbs I gained on my small ish frame.

 

Yeah, with the most recent ex I thought we'd have an amazing, stable, albeit less sparkly, crazy over the top relationship. The one before that with the ridiculous chemistry was just too explosive, too sex fueled, unrealistic.

 

It seems one has to compromise on the chemistry for stability and smoothness.

 

We saw eye to eye on almost anything, from ethics to family plans, social relationships, politics, etc. We had the same interests intellectually and physically. But even that isn't enough. You just can't win.

[umirano]

I think our rationalizations are effing things up for us. Our genes just want to recombine and be put into a new individual.

 

No relationship longer than ~1.5y required for this. That covers all the courting, mating and pregnancy.

 

Everything beyond that is exercising massive self control, literally "making it work", you know?

 

If we hadn't this mindset that relationships have to last forever, the frequent and often unexplained break ups would not have this massive impact.

[Popsicle]

Yep I know, just lovely right.

 

I could have just stop acting out ( caused the break up too due to my insecurities that were nothing to do with him as he was wonderful ) I could have stayed and supported him and helped him.

 

He loved the life we had. He would tell me all the time how happy he was to look forward to coming home to me and the dogs.

 

It could have helped.

 

Why did you remain apart after he got clean? Did you not feel a huge desire to reach out, if still in love?

 

I tell myself all these same things all the time. Why couldnt I be more supportive and just be happy with the life we had? He was completely happy with it and me but I wasn't. He got sober but it didn't feel real (still doesn't, he's been to rehab three times) and he struggled with intimacy with me after that, which I really didn't like. They also put him on anti-depressants and It was like he became a zombie emotionally and sexually, despite remaining really clingy (He wanted to be in constant contact). His twin brother who is also a recovering alcoholic, and is stoic as well. He and his wife seem miserable but twin brother has been sober for 4 years. I also struggled with his level of financial responsibility. We are both in our 40's and he makes more money than me but he blows it all on impulse spending and saves nothing. He likes living like that, but to me, that would not be good for a marriage. He lives more like a 20 yo, than a 40 yo. We had a lot of fun though. We still text here and there and love each other but there has been too much damage I think to repair it now.

[Popsicle]

Leigh, have you moved out? I believe you and your ex will miss each other too much and get back together. We did too but the problems were still there. It takes a few rounds of breaking up before you can be strong enough to finally end it.