Confronted the guy who sent me mixed signals [UPDATE saw guy who rejected/ignored me]

[VeveCakes]

This guy is emotionally unavailable and thats all you need to know.

 

Time to move on and forget him and his motives.

[kendahke]

Next time he reaches out again I will just ignore it. I want to put an end to this frustrating feeling.

 

You want who to put an end to this frustrating feeling? You or him?

 

This is an easy task to accomplish in an afternoon. You tell him it's over and you move on. Ignoring something like this is you playing games when you're saying you want to put an end to how miserably you're feeling.

 

This isn't his heavy lift--it's yours.

[freebird31]

The guy never replied back to my message. we ran into one another at work yesterday. He was with a new girl who works in his department. We saw one another as we approached the same area. And I was right behind him 2 steps away going up on the escalator. He was smiling and they were talking with one her. His back towards me. Very awkward for me. Finally, he turned around and faced me and says "hey." The new girl still standing right next to him not looking, all of us on escalator. So I said "hey" back and smiled politely. He continued to stand where his back was leaning against the escalator wall..maybe to not be rude with his back facing me. His body language gave the impression that he was going to say something else, but then maybe decided not to. Then, Continues to walk off the escalator with the new girl. The new girl tried take a short cut and they both start laughing at her trying to squeeze between two pieces of furniture. Meanwhile I am still behind them watching everything awkwardly. I can't tell you why. But as soon as the encounter was finished I left to the restroom to let out the few tears I had. I am sensitive. In the bigger scheme, I do not care that it did not work out between us. But in that moment. That uncomfortable situation, I cared and it did hurt my feelings. It stings to be rejected. But it is not the end of the world. I hope I don't run into him at work anymore. Although I know I will. I do think it was meant for me to see him being extra friendly with someone new. What are the chances of me being in that uncomfortable situation. It was a little crushing.

 

I really had thought this guy was a nice guy. I seem to always like those kinds of guys and fall for that type. (Although this was just a crush). The nice sweet dorky guys ...that end up being the heart breakers or flirts. Could have sworn he was different. I was meant to see what I saw; him being extra friendly with some new cute girl. Although it stung. The worst part is I have to continue to see him at work.

Edited November 29, 2016 by freebird31

[freebird31]

Sorry. I have to vent. It's just that I rarely like guys or have crushes. I was never pursuing anything either. it kind of just happened when we met. I feel so silly. I had my precautions when I found out he was 4 years younger than I, I am 24. It is very rare when I go out on dates. Not to mention a date where it was so comfortable and fun. I don't agree with anyone who says he did not lead me on. Because I can point out multiple scenarios where he did. Who cares it happens. It's life and things don't always work out your way. I seem to have poor luck with guys. Next time someone sends me "mixed signals" I will never again confront them. I will just assume they are not interested. The entire time I had thought there was a chance he was too shy to ask me out. I was so wrong. I often try to justify things or find the benefit of the doubt. I still have him on one of my social media accounts. I still work with this guy. Do I delete him even though I work with him ? What do I do from here. I'm in an awkward situation now. Actually I just am starting to think I'm crazy. I am perfectly fine being single and on my own. But whenever you add a guy to my mix, I just lose my balance. This might be too much information but I know it has to do with lust as well. i think it is, in part, lust that makes me lose my balance and the sexual attraction. Idk.

[Mkn1010]

I had to reply to your post because I can see that you're struggling to move on and I've experienced something similar in the past to the story you described.

 

 

I honestly believe it is NOT the person that you're struggling to move on from (because lets be honest, you had one real date), but its a void within yourself. You probably started to became more interested in him because of the push/pull dance that was going on and there is a reason for that, that relates to YOUR own past! If he was showing consistent interest from day dot, I bet you would have found him to be pretty mediocre (and I'm sure he is just that - mediocre). But the inconsistency is what got you HOOKED!!

 

 

There is NOTHING to feel you lost out on with this guy. He is not emotionally available. Look at what he has to offer you - MUCH ANXIETY and that's about it!!

 

 

When I met someone similar and was in this boat, I too confronted them in a text about the inconsistent communication and mixed messages. And I too got nothing back. Someone who can't even respond back with a kind message to explain themselves (even if it's to let you know they're not interested) is an inherently selfish individual. I believe he did actually like you, but I think having to explain himself was too heavy for him. He's 20 after all! But this is not your fault. Don't feel like you could have won him over if you didn't confront him because that is a false economy! He is not wanting to seriously be with you (and maybe not anyone).

 

 

Also, don't feel like you can't speak your mind with others because of this guy, the truth will always weed out the good from the bad. Trust me, a man that wants to be truly in it will not get put off by you requesting clarification on an inconsistency you notice!

[Mkn1010]

I want to add that it appears that over time you were accepting less and less from this guy and it was against what you're truly wanting. Emotionally unavailable types are excellent at manipulating you to accept very little from them, you begin getting used to hearing back from a simple text 3 days later, etc etc and they are absolutely dictating the terms of your engagement (or lack thereof).

 

 

Date someone with more empathy for YOUR FEELINGS!

[freebird31]

I had to reply to your post because I can see that you're struggling to move on and I've experienced something similar in the past to the story you described.

 

 

I honestly believe it is NOT the person that you're struggling to move on from (because lets be honest, you had one real date), but its a void within yourself. You probably started to became more interested in him because of the push/pull dance that was going on and there is a reason for that, that relates to YOUR own past! If he was showing consistent interest from day dot, I bet you would have found him to be pretty mediocre (and I'm sure he is just that - mediocre). But the inconsistency is what got you HOOKED!!

 

 

There is NOTHING to feel you lost out on with this guy. He is not emotionally available. Look at what he has to offer you - MUCH ANXIETY and that's about it!!

 

 

When I met someone similar and was in this boat, I too confronted them in a text about the inconsistent communication and mixed messages. And I too got nothing back. Someone who can't even respond back with a kind message to explain themselves (even if it's to let you know they're not interested) is an inherently selfish individual. I believe he did actually like you, but I think having to explain himself was too heavy for him. He's 20 after all! But this is not your fault. Don't feel like you could have won him over if you didn't confront him because that is a false economy! He is not wanting to seriously be with you (and maybe not anyone).

 

 

Also, don't feel like you can't speak your mind with others because of this guy, the truth will always weed out the good from the bad. Trust me, a man that wants to be truly in it will not get put off by you requesting clarification on an inconsistency you notice!

 

Thank you. I really needed to hear this.

 

You are so right. I did start to accept less and less from him. From the beginning I had precautions because he was young and I had assumed he would be immature emotionally. I gave it a chance and that one date hooked me. I even remember discussing on our date our age difference. I had told him I thought because he was young he might be ....(he finished the senstence for me).."immature?" He asked. I said "yes." I guess I made a judgement of his character, thinking he was more mature than he actually was, way too soon. It was a great date. I don't know much about dates. But the date was very easy and natural. Almost like we were already a couple just spending a night out together. Maybe it was just I who felt that way. We asked each other questions like "what is the saddest thing that has happened to you?" I felt the question was a little bit heavy but I thought why not, how else am I going to let someone get to know me. The chemistry was there so obviously.

 

Anyway, you are right. I made excuses for the situation. I had thought his drifting was becaue he had gone back to school and was too busy. Then when his school ended, I thought maybe he was just too shy to reconnect with me and ask me out again.

 

You are right. After all, it was only flowing great and consistent for about 1 week before everything changed.

 

And in a way I am glad I confronted the situation because I now have my answer. Even though it kind of feels like a rejection, at least I know where we stand. Thank you for your advice. I was going back and forth with questioning if confronting him was the right thing to do. It felt right it was very difficult for me to do by the way and I had to almost force myself to do it. I also thought about it for a while before I made sure it was the right thing to do. I feel less bad now.

 

And this void within myself. Gosh don't really know where to start with that. It is funny you mentioned that this has to do with my past. Because the times that I teared up over this guy, were only because it brought me back to the time my first love from 4 years ago broke my heart and left me. It brought me back to that for some reason. It also made sad because it made me feel like I couldn't trust myself. I remember feeling like I KNEW in my heart my ex had a mutual love for me only to be proven wrong when he declared his love for the women he dated after me. In this situation, I felt like I KNEW this guy liked me (also because he told me himself) but felt like I was just proven wrong again. It made me feel like I don't know how to trust my own intuition.

 

In the end I guess it just comes downs to actions. Actions speak louder than words and that's how you know. Like I said every time I see him, it makes me tear up because it reminds me of how I was rejected years ago to be honest. And that took me years to get over

[Mkn1010]

"And this void within myself. Gosh don't really know where to start with that. It is funny you mentioned that this has to do with my past. Because the times that I teared up over this guy, were only because it brought me back to the time my first love from 4 years ago broke my heart and left me. It brought me back to that for some reason. It also made sad because it made me feel like I couldn't trust myself. I remember feeling like I KNEW in my heart my ex had a mutual love for me only to be proven wrong when he declared his love for the women he dated after me. In this situation, I felt like I KNEW this guy liked me (also because he told me himself) but felt like I was just proven wrong again. It made me feel like I don't know how to trust my own intuition."

 

The above is exactly why you felt so comfortable and a 'connection' with the new guy! Did you know that there's this theory about 'chemistry': that it actually is felt when something about the person speaks directly to an insecurity of the past and helps us to relive a past relationship dysfunction or trauma! Food for thought! There's is nothing good about it and we need to learn to re-train our brains to detach immediately from people who insight the same anxieties as our past lovers that hurt us (such as communicating inconsistently, not giving quite enough etc).

 

 

In my situation, I too was hurt badly by my long term partner hence the new man in my life (who was definitely not that great and hardly solid inside) drew me in! The familiarity I felt with him was like we'd been friends for years! I later realised that he had all these holes within that spewed out venom in my direction and THAT was the familiarity there within him that I somehow subconsciously recognised.

[freebird31]

"And this void within myself. Gosh don't really know where to start with that. It is funny you mentioned that this has to do with my past. Because the times that I teared up over this guy, were only because it brought me back to the time my first love from 4 years ago broke my heart and left me. It brought me back to that for some reason. It also made sad because it made me feel like I couldn't trust myself. I remember feeling like I KNEW in my heart my ex had a mutual love for me only to be proven wrong when he declared his love for the women he dated after me. In this situation, I felt like I KNEW this guy liked me (also because he told me himself) but felt like I was just proven wrong again. It made me feel like I don't know how to trust my own intuition."

 

The above is exactly why you felt so comfortable and a 'connection' with the new guy! Did you know that there's this theory about 'chemistry': that it actually is felt when something about the person speaks directly to an insecurity of the past and helps us to relive a past relationship dysfunction or trauma! Food for thought! There's is nothing good about it and we need to learn to re-train our brains to detach immediately from people who insight the same anxieties as our past lovers that hurt us (such as communicating inconsistently, not giving quite enough etc).

 

 

In my situation, I too was hurt badly by my long term partner hence the new man in my life (who was definitely not that great and hardly solid inside) drew me in! The familiarity I felt with him was like we'd been friends for years! I later realised that he had all these holes within that spewed out venom in my direction and THAT was the familiarity there within him that I somehow subconsciously recognised.

 

 

Yes. I see what you're saying. My ex and I sprouted from inconsistent encounters that led me to chase him. But when we were in an actual relationship, everything was healthy. He would call me every night on the phone.communication was never a problem. Then, like the switch of a light it all changed within the last month of the relationship. Perhaps a lot has to do with the way our relationship formed. Maybe it was never really healthy, because the way we started off was not quite right.

 

This chasing game with this new guy is in a way similar to that. I can see a few similarities, now that you pointed it out. Maybe it's me wanting to relive the situation and try to get the outcome desired this time.

 

Yes though. I also remember sending my ex a message after we broke up, spewing feelings and he ignored it. When this new guy ignored my message after I asked for a clarification, it felt like I had been taken back on a time machine to that same moment when I sent my ex the message. It was weird. And I think that's why it had hurt to the extent that it did.

 

Interesting insight.

 

I guess I just need to find a guy who stays consistent and which there is a mutual attraction. Not someone I need to win over. I never want to relive that again. I want it to be a mutual love and respect the next relationship.

[freebird31]

But to clarify I only felt comfortable on the very first date. And that was when things were consistent. After that, I could sense the mixed signals and inconsistency. It wasn't the same anymore between us. There was obviously still flirting and chemistry but it felt like it had been tainted and too complicated. When we went on that first date, I remember feeling like "wow an actual nice guy."not to mention he picked me up and even offered to get off the car and come to my door. Also, he opened the doors for me. Never got that kind of treatment before. My ex never did those things. So in that first date I was actually attracted to all of the things that he was that I never experienced before with anyone. He made me feel like a princess that night. It was nice.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I still have him on one of my social media accounts. I still work with this guy. Do I delete him even though I work with him ?

 

I can't see any good reason to keep this guy on social media. Just because you work together doesn't mean you have to be connected through social media anymore. It's not like you have to explain yourself to him. He never bothered to explain himself, why should you?

 

If it feels like the time to move on for good, it can only help you detach from him because at some point he will start seeing someone else and you will see it plastered all over social media which will feel like a slap in the face. I suggest you save yourself the additional hurt and cut those ties.

 

Try not to be discouraged. Even these negative experiences can be useful relationship lessons. Next time you will know not to tolerate the same behavior.

 

I know it hurts now but try and look at it as the start of a new chapter in your life where you can meet a grown man, who treats you with the kindness and respect you deserve.

[freebird31]

I can't see any good reason to keep this guy on social media. Just because you work together doesn't mean you have to be connected through social media anymore. It's not like you have to explain yourself to him. He never bothered to explain himself, why should you?

 

If it feels like the time to move on for good, it can only help you detach from him because at some point he will start seeing someone else and you will see it plastered all over social media which will feel like a slap in the face. I suggest you save yourself the additional hurt and cut those ties.

 

Try not to be discouraged. Even these negative experiences can be useful relationship lessons. Next time you will know not to tolerate the same behavior.

 

I know it hurts now but try and look at it as the start of a new chapter in your life where you can meet a grown man, who treats you with the kindness and respect you deserve.

 

 

 

Yes. Ok you're right. I have been considering deleting him for a week now. Maybe I should give it more time before I decide. It is strange because he is the first person to look at my pictures. And I feel a little weird looking at his pictures as well on snap chat. We used to chat and send each other messages about the pictures we would post. just feels strange now to look at one another's stuff. i don't know why it feels so hard to delete him. Maybe becaue I know this means it's really done for good. And I guess in a way it's just a sad thing when things have to be over and end

[joseb]

But to clarify I only felt comfortable on the very first date. And that was when things were consistent. After that, I could sense the mixed signals and inconsistency. It wasn't the same anymore between us. There was obviously still flirting and chemistry but it felt like it had been tainted and too complicated. When we went on that first date, I remember feeling like "wow an actual nice guy."not to mention he picked me up and even offered to get off the car and come to my door. Also, he opened the doors for me. Never got that kind of treatment before. My ex never did those things. So in that first date I was actually attracted to all of the things that he was that I never experienced before with anyone. He made me feel like a princess that night. It was nice.

 

You went on one date with this guy. No kissing or anything.

Don't you think you are a bit obsessed about him?

 

 

Time to move on.

[winny]

Dear OP,

 

Take a step today and take it only for yourself and no one else... no other f*cking person!!!

And that step is this -

 

Delete this guy from every aspect of your life.

BLOCK on phone, BLOCK on social media... everything.

Make a very conscious effort to not see him in person.

 

2 weeks after this you will be totally detoxed. I promise.

 

And you CAN do this because I did it. I never thought I could. But I did. So I know you can too. And the day I did it and I told the guy - Sorry I don't think we should meet anymore... and I said it with such a calmness in my voice... I felt like all of my power came back to me and in a moment I was the one who was in control and he seemed totally powerless. One of the most freeing moments in my life... do it for yourself...

 

Love,

winny

[freebird31]

Yes I am acting obsessive right now. I need to cut it out. I have no idea why I am acting this way over something that's not serious. Like I was discussing previously I think I went a little crazy over being rejected. Because I've been rejected before. This is so silly. I don't even have feelings for this guy. Just an attraction. I don't even really KNOW this person. I honestly am just more bent up over anything over how I was rejected. But it's not a big deal. To be honest I don't even really truly care. Because he isn't even what I had painted him in my mind to be. He's only 4 years younger than I but it feels like we are so different than one another I've realized, like we are just in different places in life. I definitely know i am not sad over this guy. Yet whenever I see him, i get really emotional because i remember how I was rejected in the past by someone I was crazy in love with. It's almost like a painful reminder of my past. I hope it subsides. Does this sound crazy ? Because I think I sound crazy. And ridiculous. I just hope I don't have to see him again.

[smackie9]

I totally get it. It's just gotten you feeling down, and feeling a little lonely...nothing new to look forward to. Time to perk up with a night of dancing with the girlies, in something hot with sexy heels. There must be some holiday parties coming up.....

[ElizabethIII]

One of the things I also learned the hard way is never let them know you care / are bothered by their flakiness.

 

You called this guy out on flakiness after one date and no kissing? My god, that would have me running for the hills if a guy did that to me after one date. he owes you nothing.

 

Don't call them out on the flakiness after one date, just choose to ignore them and act as if they are so asinine as to be below your level of annoyance.

[mortensorchid]

He's not that into you. And remember, the minute someone says their cat is sick and they need to attend to their cat instead of seeing you that night, it is OVER in all caps. I'm sorry this happened to you, we've all been there. Move on.

[freebird31]

One of the things I also learned the hard way is never let them know you care / are bothered by their flakiness.

 

You called this guy out on flakiness after one date and no kissing? My god, that would have me running for the hills if a guy did that to me after one date. he owes you nothing.

 

Don't call them out on the flakiness after one date, just choose to ignore them and act as if they are so asinine as to be below your level of annoyance.

 

No that is not the reason why I called him out. I called him out because he was sending me mixed signals. Flirting with me. I got the impression that he was very shy around me and nervous. So I assumed he was probably too shy to ask me out again. I let this go on for a few weeks by the way. It's not like it was just 1 date and then I got obsessive. He continued to send me mixed signals over a few weeks. So I thought I would just be straight forward and ask him myself. Turns out I was wrong though and his shyness was not the case here. He just wasn't interested. So now I have my answer. I don't have to wonder anymore. If someone has to run for the hills because I was confused and asked for clarification then that sounds more like his problem not mine. So I don't regret it

[Superchicken]

Hi Freebird31,

 

 

You mentioned he's only 20.

Lets face it, guys at this age, are more upset about their car breaking down.

You a little older, and being a female, you already have a maturity advantage as well.

Jepus, I'm 50, and my mental state is that of a 20 year old as well.

My wife gets ticked off when I carry on like a teenager, but I cant help it.

I never grew up, and although, there are some guys that do, there are many that don't.

Thankfully, I still look 40 years old, so it doesn't stand out so bad.

 

 

Your at the age of making one of two choices.

1) keep dating, and enjoy your young life, for the moment.

2) Look for something in a man that is rare, or hard to control (Maturity)

 

 

As I mentioned on other posts. I didn't get serious till I was 27.

 

 

Only you know what kind of a catch you are, and so why give it to a schmuck !.

Pick and choose my dear lady..

 

 

Ted.

[freebird31]

Long story short: I found out that the disconnect was he may not be over his ex whom he was dating for for over two years. Broke up earlier this year.

Edited December 6, 2016 by freebird31

[TheTraveler]

Long story short: I found out that the disconnect was he may not be over his ex whom he was dating for for over two years. Broke up earlier this year.

 

So? Why do you care?

[Empyrea]

Ahh, this takes me back. In a couple of months, you'll read this thread and think HOW ridiculous and silly you were being.. No offence intended, I was exactly the same. In my case, it actually got dragged out through the entire summer, so about three months (you can still find my emotional obsessing threads somewhere here), and we went on 10 dates and he initiated conversation every day and STILL I felt he was emotionally unavailable, he was sending me mixed signals, I never quite felt like I knew if he was interested or not... can you believe it? I also confronted him many times when I felt like things weren't progressing enough (we only kissed a couple times and held hands a bit - after 10 dates!! Can you believe it???) or when I felt like he was fading. He always said he was just busy. After summer was over, he went back to school and also stopped initiating. He also had a kid, so there was that extra factor which I could also use as an excuse for his lukewarm behaviour. Eventually, the last time I confronted him (quite angrily), he just ignored it. End of story. We still ran into each other a couple times and it took me months to finally be over it, but looking back - gosh, how silly!!

 

In short, it was never really anything - he liked me, sure, but he wasn't emotionally available. Not to me, at least. He didn't show enough interest and that was the only clue I should have needed. He was a naturally charming and flirty person, so when we did interact, it was easy to feel like there was a lot of chemistry, but it was just the way he was. I also later saw him with another girl, by the way. There was also a serious ex that I felt was an issue (the kid's mother, obviously), but that's not the point! The point is that it doesn't matter what the reason - he was not and was not going to be emotionally available to me and no excuse in the world makes up for that.

 

So you see, one date or ten dates, it really doesn't matter. I also understand that it was entirely useless what other people were telling me or the advice I was given here. Eventually, I moved on when I was ready and that's that. But yeah, the sooner you realize that there is really nothing to hold on to here, except for the delusions you built in your head.. his person really is a non-factor. You could replace him with ANYone else you slightly click with who played hot and cold and it would be same. And the sad part is that if he had acted more interested, it's probably you who would have pulled away and started to question his real value. It's just a part of the pattern. Just recognize it as a crush and try your best to stop obsessing and move on. Trust me, when the guy is intersted - there will be no question in your mind about any mixed signals. NEXT!

[freebird31]

This is the first time I've spoken with the guy from work who rejected me. So it ended between us when I had asked him for a clarification about where we stood. 2-3 months ago. And he never replied. We still saw each other after that. And I just acted normal. I didn't throw shade or act petty. I just acted indifferent. But this is the first actually time we talked.

 

I'm not sure if I handled it well. Wel i saw him. And my heart sank like it usually does when I see him. And we started off with some small talk. Then it started to get flirty. And he waited for me to finish doing what I was doing so that we can walk together. He then asks me if I watch football to which I replied "nope not really to be honest why?" And he tells me about his team that is losing. i asked him what team he goes for. And he jokes around and flirts with me some more.

 

The entire time we spoke, I almost couldn't get a grip of myself again. My blood pressure had been rising I could feel it. And my face was getting hot from the nerves. My hands were even shaking a bit. I made a huge attempt to keep my composure and make sure he didn't notice. He didn't. But he did notice the ridiculous smile I had on my face when we said goodbye to each other

 

I just look back and feel like an idiot. 1) because I couldn't even gather myself together and just feel normal around him as I do around anyone else. And 2) because I feel stupid because I let this guy ignore my message 2 months again and today I made it seem like everything is okay.

 

I don't really care anymore about the stupid message. Or what happened between us. I dislike that I still have a crush on him. And I do wish that he could at least address the big white elephant in the room and apologize for what happened between us. But why would he do that when I am over here acting all giddy around him.....?

 

Long story short. It lost myself a bit last night in my emotions. Over the rejection. I quickly gathered myself together and reminded myself of what a wonderful catch I am. And this guy was just wrong for me. Because the right person wouldn't have me chase him. With the right person, it should just feel right and natural. And we will actually want to spend time together. Sure I have this crazy crush on this guy. It doesn't mean anything. I'll get over it when I meet someone better suited. I won't let this get me down.

 

I'm just wondering if I handled the situation well. I don't want to act like a giddy fool over this guy. I don't think it's okay that he just ignored my message and act like everything is perfectly okay. ? anyway my question is this even worth caring about ? Am i de-valuing myself by acting like everything is okay every time we see one another ? But another part of me is saying who cares don't let this guy see you any more shook up over this situation. Just let it go and be friendly. What should I do.

[freebird31]

I am just trying to figure out how a mature young woman would decently handle this situation?

 

 

I need to be able to control myself physiologically when around him. I have to find a way to be in control of myself and stop the nerves from controlling me.

 

 

We work together as I mentioned from time to time still. And it's fine that we are friends. But now we are flirty friends? i don't think that appropriate either. I think maybe I need to woman up and mature up and get a grip of myself and stop letting this crush on him control me.

 

So that way next time if we see each other it can just be indifferent friendly but nothing flirty. And why should we continue to flirt with each other ? After he ignored my message. It doesn't seem right to me.

 

If anything I think he still owes me some kind of explanation or apology. Am I crazy......? Exaggerating ? Should I let this go and continue to act friendly.

 

I really really don't know how to handle this situation.