Will this be the road to estrangement... [Update Nov 2018]

[turnera]

she will never forgive you if you kick her out of your house, she will just carry on with pot

 

she might end up on the streets, unable to be in your house, which will no longer be her home

 

who pays for the pot?

What a crock.

 

Guess what? Kids grow up. And realize their parents were right.

[turnera]

I do want to say something, though. You seem very heavy-fisted about the drug testing and my first sense is that you are a SHAMER. Meaning you have 'my way or the highway' rules and expectations and that, because of that, she rebelled, and she rebelled HARD.

 

If that's true, my assessment of your 'authoritative parenting' is shifting toward 'authoritarian parenting' - which is absolutely the WORST way to raise a child and the one way most likely to ensure a child who will do the opposite of what you want - JUST BECAUSE.

 

Meaning that you lost your chance at a real connection with your young adult child. She learned long ago that you are NOT to be trusted, that you WILL judge her without listening to her, and that she will no way in hell become like YOU.

 

I hope you will take the time to do some real research on the difference between authoritative and authoritarian parenting. It may not be too late, if you are of the latter type. But you have to acknowledge that you did it wrong.

[jnel921]

Lack responsibility and drive is not pots fault!

 

People always want to blame cannabis but the truth is if it weren't pot it would be something else with your daughter.

 

Weed helps many people and many people are successful who use every day, I am one of them. Weed does not make one lazy. It does not take away ones will to succeed.

 

Maybe you should consider easing off the hatred of pot and see what else might be happening in your daughters life. The constant nagging over something that is legal in many areas of the world seems to me like beating a dead horse. Not to mention the notion of pot being "bad" and a "gateway drug" just shows how out dated your views are and that perhaps your daughter is more in tune with the current world than you are.

 

See what else is happening in her life. Come at her like a friend, not an enemy who is threatening something that she very well may need to feel good in life.

 

I have a best friend who is a mental healthcare therapist who has been smoking since we were 11. She was always an honor student. Got into the Navy and graduated from College and has 2 masters degrees. Pot did not affect her life. I can agree that for some this may help take the edge off.

 

But with my daughters personality and underlying diagnosis of oppositional defiance disorder this is a disastrous combination.

 

I can say that we she doesn't smoke she is a more pleasant person to deal with. I don't believe smoking is for everyone. If it were 100% safe it would be legal all over the world. It obviously can be abused to the point where it just doesn't affect the person smoking it but others around the person.

[jnel921]

OP:

 

What are your feelings about alcohol?

 

It's actually much more dangerous than pot:

 

Physically

Mentally

Socially

 

I'd be much more concerned if she was drinking to excess, than I would be with her smoking any quantity of pot.

 

Better would be to do neither, but thats nothing that could be imposed on anyone.

 

Because alcohol is legal I expect that my kids if they choose, handle this responsibly.

 

I already had an incident where my son got drunk last year and was missing after a party in the city. The friends came home without him the next morning and I had to file a missing person's report with the police. After going through what was the worst feeling a parent can go through later on that day my son woke from his drunken state in another borough and it turned out some other young adults found him layed out on the street and decided to take him home with them to sleep it off and have him call us when he awoke.

 

We went to pick him up and I was grateful. Too many people wind up dead after going missing from any parties in the city.

 

My son learned his lesson and has not drank like that since! I think some people realize when they go through serious situations that the consumption or getting high is not worth it.

[jnel921]

You shouldn't have to feel obligated to buy a car for (I've never had a car bought for me) or pay education for your adult child.

 

But I do have to say that doing anything to specifically hinder your child's ability to get an education in order to improve their life seems about as counter productive as it gets.

 

I'm in the overreaction boat, lots of people smoke pot everyday. Is it the healthiest thing? No. But neither is drinking or smoking, or eating double cheese burgers.

 

I agree. I don't want to hinder her future. At the same time she needs to understand and appreciate what we do for her and try a lot less to disappoint us.

 

We work long hours to provide her a good life. She should do her part to honor that.

[jnel921]

she will never forgive you if you kick her out of your house, she will just carry on with pot

 

she might end up on the streets, unable to be in your house, which will no longer be her home

 

who pays for the pot?

 

She has been kicked out twice. The last time I was NOT going to allow her to return. I had had enough of the disrespect and the breaking of the rules. SHE said she would change. SHE wanted to go to school and have a car. She knew I could easily provide this for her.

 

The problem was that she wanted to have her cake and eat it too and that is not happening here.

 

I cannot reward this behavior.

 

She wants POT then she will have to live on her and figure that out. But I wont be paying for any of that!

[turnera]

The underpinning of authoritative parenting is that you lay out the rules very clearly of under what circumstances you'll continue to support her. No emotion, no judging. Just logical stuff. And you explain it logically to her. And finish with 'I want to support you in everything that makes you happy. Of course that requires both of us being adults about it. And I know you don't understand, but one thing that's important to me is that you achieve these goals without the use of pot. Once you're out on your own, feel free to do whatever you want. So here's what it'll take to keep our arrangement going. Tell me if you disagree with any of it. If you can convince me otherwise, I'm all ears.' And then anything from then on forward is a mutually agreed upon result. She can't be upset with you if you and she agreed on the results in the first place.

[jnel921]

I do want to say something, though. You seem very heavy-fisted about the drug testing and my first sense is that you are a SHAMER. Meaning you have 'my way or the highway' rules and expectations and that, because of that, she rebelled, and she rebelled HARD.

 

If that's true, my assessment of your 'authoritative parenting' is shifting toward 'authoritarian parenting' - which is absolutely the WORST way to raise a child and the one way most likely to ensure a child who will do the opposite of what you want - JUST BECAUSE.

 

Meaning that you lost your chance at a real connection with your young adult child. She learned long ago that you are NOT to be trusted, that you WILL judge her without listening to her, and that she will no way in hell become like YOU.

 

I hope you will take the time to do some real research on the difference between authoritative and authoritarian parenting. It may not be too late, if you are of the latter type. But you have to acknowledge that you did it wrong.

 

 

I don't know about the Authoritarian parenting but my parenting comes from my own experience with my own life. I didn't grow up with a lot. My parents didn't have anything. We had an apartment fire that resulted in losing everything we had so I know what it feels like having nothing but the clothes on my back.

 

I worked really hard so that these kids could have better. I never grew up in a home. They did. They are privileged.

 

If she is being rebellious she is doing it because she think she can and is only doing it to upset me. I feel we have done everything in her best interest.

 

It would also be in her best interest to want to be like me. I have set a good example. So being anything else will not help her... In the end if she wants to continue down this path she will always be asking for MY help. I will not do this.

[turnera]

They are privileged.

 

If she is being rebellious she is doing it because she think she can and is only doing it to upset me. I feel we have done everything in her best interest.

 

It would also be in her best interest to want to be like me. I have set a good example. So being anything else will not help her... In the end if she wants to continue down this path she will always be asking for MY help. I will not do this.

No offense, but this attitude is concerning. If this is the way you come across to your kids, it's no surprise she's taking this attitude.

 

Give us some examples of how you two interact. Maybe I'm hearing it wrong.

[jnel921]

No offense, but this attitude is concerning. If this is the way you come across to your kids, it's no surprise she's taking this attitude.

 

Give us some examples of how you two interact. Maybe I'm hearing it wrong.

 

My daughter acts like a spoiled brat and can be nasty. For example she just went with me to the supermarket and before we walked in I told her we need a cart can you grab one, then she turns to me and says NO you need a cart and walks away. After this I went inside and called her out on her nastiness. She goes on to say what am I talking about and she asks me to drop her off at her BF's house. I look at her with disbelief and just said no.

 

I don't care for this tone, attitude or way of being. But she thinks this is OK and its not. She wants our help but she wont help me?

 

The people she hangs with have nothing going for them and most do smoke. When I say its in her best interest to be like me, I mean it in the sense that I went to school, worked hard for everything we have, and obviously the things she enjoys. If she wants to continue this lifestyle it takes hard work.

 

I cannot hand everything to her. She needs to earn it. She doesn't think this way and thinks I should give her everything. She should be accountable for her behavior and attitude and want to improve since I have told her how much this upsets me. But not changing this only shows disrespect.

[BettyDraper]

My daughter acts like a spoiled brat and can be nasty. For example she just went with me to the supermarket and before we walked in I told her we need a cart can you grab one, then she turns to me and says NO you need a cart and walks away. After this I went inside and called her out on her nastiness. She goes on to say what am I talking about and she asks me to drop her off at her BF's house. I look at her with disbelief and just said no.

 

I don't care for this tone, attitude or way of being. But she thinks this is OK and its not. She wants our help but she wont help me?

 

The people she hangs with have nothing going for them and most do smoke. When I say its in her best interest to be like me, I mean it in the sense that I went to school, worked hard for everything we have, and obviously the things she enjoys. If she wants to continue this lifestyle it takes hard work.

 

I cannot hand everything to her. She needs to earn it. She doesn't think this way and thinks I should give her everything. She should be accountable for her behavior and attitude and want to improve since I have told her how much this upsets me. But not changing this only shows disrespect.

 

With respect to the pot issue, I was a pothead for many years. I left home in my early twenties but then I had to move back home for a short period of time because of serious illness.

 

When I recovered, my parents told me that if I was going to live in their home, one of the conditions was that I wasn't going to smoke weed. If they found out that I was smoking, I would have to leave their home and find my own place. You know what? I did what they asked because it was THEIR HOUSE and they didn't have to let me live there since I was a grown woman. They could have just left me to languish in the hospital!

 

I'm a Millennial and I shake my head at how spoiled and entitled my generation is. It's even worse with kids who were born after 1995.

[Tayla]

My daughter acts like a spoiled brat and can be nasty. For example she just went with me to the supermarket and before we walked in I told her we need a cart can you grab one, then she turns to me and says NO you need a cart and walks away. After this I went inside and called her out on her nastiness. She goes on to say what am I talking about and she asks me to drop her off at her BF's house. I look at her with disbelief and just said no.

 

I don't care for this tone, attitude or way of being. But she thinks this is OK and its not. She wants our help but she wont help me?

 

The people she hangs with have nothing going for them and most do smoke. When I say its in her best interest to be like me, I mean it in the sense that I went to school, worked hard for everything we have, and obviously the things she enjoys. If she wants to continue this lifestyle it takes hard work.

 

I cannot hand everything to her. She needs to earn it. She doesn't think this way and thinks I should give her everything. She should be accountable for her behavior and attitude and want to improve since I have told her how much this upsets me. But not changing this only shows disrespect.

 

Great example of how you both inter-act. Regard is a two way street. You have much to gain when you confront your daughter with a bit more civility.

 

I observed a parent in public humiliate her daughter. I refrained from interceding. And often think, where does this unwritten rule come from that a supposedly mature adult behave so unkindly to another human? Truly sad that blood draws blood instead of being encouraging .

 

Your daughter is not you .. Nor your values. She is gaining her own war wounds. Let her falter.. At some point the light will come on.. Til then set home rules .

[turnera]

My daughter acts like a spoiled brat and can be nasty. For example she just went with me to the supermarket and before we walked in I told her we need a cart can you grab one, then she turns to me and says NO you need a cart and walks away. After this I went inside and called her out on her nastiness. She goes on to say what am I talking about and she asks me to drop her off at her BF's house. I look at her with disbelief and just said no.

Now, see, an authoritative parent wouldn't have gotten emotional about her attitude, have given a reaction. Would you let a 3 year old extort you? No. You'd laugh it off and move on. Just because she's 18 doesn't mean you should take her seriously. She's just being a brat. So what?

 

If my daughter did that - and she wouldn't, because she's learned through consequences for bad behavior - I would just look at her and say 'Wow. Ok. Well, then have fun walking home. I don't give rides to rude people.' And I would have gone in to go shopping. And left alone.

 

You calling her out is exactly why she did it. And you fell right into it. She got to say 'what are you talking about.' Worked, didn't it? She's controlling you.

 

And when she asked for a ride to her friend's, you should have just said 'sorry, you lost the privilege of a ride with your rudeness. Ask your friend to come get you. Since you don't have a ride home, either.'

 

I don't care for this tone, attitude or way of being. But she thinks this is OK and its not. She wants our help but she wont help me?

Ok, first, she is legally an adult. You don't get to decide what kind of tone she has any more. You need to start realizing this. You've had your turn at raising her. The only issues you have to deal with any more are the rules for living in your house and the rules for paying for her school.

 

Second, are you going to kick her out for being rude? For smoking pot in your house? For smoking pot somewhere else? You really need to decide what your bottom line is. And practice it. And make sure she knows what that bottom line is. The rest of the stuff? That's just small stuff. And you don't sweat the small stuff.

 

The people she hangs with have nothing going for them and most do smoke. When I say its in her best interest to be like me, I mean it in the sense that I went to school, worked hard for everything we have, and obviously the things she enjoys. If she wants to continue this lifestyle it takes hard work.

Well, goody for you. Being a saint must be hard work. Do you hear yourself?

 

One of the hardest things for parents to understand is that their kids are NOT supposed to be mirror images of themselves. That it's our job to raise them to be happy and healthy, and we can throw in some hope that they also can become productive citizens who can make it on their own, but that's really up to them, ok?

 

It is NOT a child's job to be grateful for what her parents provide her. It would be nice, but as a parent, you should never expect it, nor punish her for not showing it. And she needs to figure out for herself what it takes to earn what she wants. I've seen people be thrilled to live in a tiny apartment with 4 other people and live on peanut butter and rice for 3 or 4 years, wear Good

Will clothes, and play guitar on the street corner for that peanut butter. I've seen other people kill themselves to earn their parents' approval by cramming through college and have no fun and have a mental breakdown and bail out of college and end up working at 7-11 because their parents never gave that approval after all. And I've seen one (my DD26) push herself through college, work herself silly after that to earn and save money, then push herself through a Masters, and still have plans for a PhD. All on her own. Why? Because I gave up trying to push my agenda on her when she was in 9th grade (when I noticed she was getting agitated like your daughter and I researched it and realized I had to let go, to reduce her stress), and told her all I wanted was for her to graduate high school without getting pregnant, lol. BUT, I also pointed out that, whatever she wanted in life, if she didn't get the education after high school, she'd better plan on another path. So she put her mind toward education.

 

I cannot hand everything to her. She needs to earn it. She doesn't think this way and thinks I should give her everything.

So don't. Don't give her everything. Don't give her anything. Tell her that you want access to her online school so you can check the grades periodically, and as long as she's not failing, you'll pay next month's tuition. Or figure out some other situation that works for you. But that doesn't mean you have to give her anything.

 

When DD26 was 12, I told her I was no longer paying for anything. I was going to give her a monthly allowance and she was to do whatever she wanted (legal) with it, but my days of paying for her clothes and shoes and music and phone and whatever else was over. I told her she needed to learn to manage her own money and it was my job to help her learn that. By letting her learn how to fend for herself. And boy, did she. She has more in savings now than I do.

 

Might be a little late now, but at least it would remove you and your emotion over her actions from your relationship. Tell her that you've figured it costs X dollars for her expenses, and you want to let her figure these things out for herself, so you'll just be giving her a monthly stipend. Better for her to learn this stuff now.

 

She should be accountable for her behavior and attitude and want to improve since I have told her how much this upsets me. But not changing this only shows disrespect.

She should 'be accountable'? She should 'want to'? You've been TEACHING her disrespect for probably a long time, I suspect.

 

She isn't you, ok? She doesn't have to do things the way you think she should. She shouldn't have to. Because YOUR job was to raise a young lady who is free to have her own thoughts, beliefs, traditions, morals, goals, and yes, thoughts on pot.

 

Now, where this deviates is when she still has to get something from you, like housing or money for school. But I'll tell you what. If you keep expecting her to be mini-you, she's eventually going to become so disgusted that she gives up the housing AND the school. And probably gives up YOU. Is that what you want? A daughter who can't be rid of you soon enough and you end up seeing once a year, if you're lucky? Because that's where you're headed, if you keep judging her. And drug-testing her.

[LargoLagg]

Is there any way you can send her away to school? You can set two conditions - if she flunks out, she can't come back home, and you'll pay for 4 years. If it takes longer, she can finance it. I wouldn't even worry bout her grades. All you have to worry about is following through.

 

That way:

 

- you don't have to see it

- she's responsible for her own performance

- she'll hang around a crowd that is at least somewhat motivated to make it

- she won't need a car

- she'll need a job to finance her pot, beer, clothes, whatever

 

Offer to buy her a bicycle if she complains about transportation.

 

College kids make terrible roommates when they come home, so while she's away, you can make some ground rules that will allow her to stay at your place when school closes, like for summer or Christmas break or whenever. Otherwise, tell her to get invited to someone else's house or to make her own arrangements, and if she's close, she can visit you.

 

The trick is to be matter-of-fact about it, not emotional. Women seem to have trouble with their daughters because both approach the relationship emotionally. Fathers have an easier time, because they accept a little more sassiness and don't take it personally. I'm generalizing, obviously, but that's been my observation.

[LonelyInsomniac]

So, right now you're focused on changing her priorities, not to mention who she inherently is - AKA more like you.

 

Doesn't look like it's working.

 

It looks like you're seeking validation of your hard work through her reactions to you.

 

You're not getting your needs for validation met. This upsets you. Most people get upset when their needs aren't being met. That upset is part of what drives us to get said needs filled.

 

However, your daughter is not an appropriate place to seek this validation. She's 18, right? Her brain is not done developing yet. Even if everything were perfect, she'd still **** up by vestige of being a floundering teenager who's just begun her journey into adulthood and still has young-impulsive tendencies.

 

She also probably hasn't had the experience, peer-group wise and situation-wise (and this is not something that can be forced) to sufficiently relate to the difficulties you go through. You seem to interpret this and her natural attempts to attain independence from you as being deliberately disrespectful. As the elder adult in this situation, your behavior is what is going to set the tone for this relationship. Fair? Of course not. But neither was the lack of support you seemed to get growing up.

 

I would highly recommend setting up firm boundaries for your home, not her life. Instead of "no pot, ever," try "no smoking pot in the house or car." Explain why, even if it's just "I don't like the smell." This would be you meeting her half way.

 

As it stands, you appear to value getting your way more than you value your daughter, your daughter's friends, and your daughter's future. Don't get me wrong: do what you want. It's your money, your life. Just keep in mind that as your daughter impacts you... you probably impact your daughter 10x as much. No matter how much she hurts your feelings, you have far more power over her than she will ever have over you. Be mindful what you choose to do with said authority.

 

Your daughter was actually up front with you about the reason she wanted to go to rehab: to put your mind at ease. Considering what she had to lose (namely, a theoretically "stable" foundation for a better future) in being honest with you? At the very least, you have raised a courageous daughter.

 

That said: you are the experienced "adult" here. And sometimes, that means making difficult choices.

 

Were I in your shoes, this is what I hope I would do:

• Set explicit house rules. No smoking in the house, be it marijuana or tobacco.
  
• Realize that who she is past the threshold of our steps is up to her, not us.
  
• Make sure she knows her body is her own. This goes a long way an individual being able to recognize when something is awry with their own body, rather than internalizing what we are "supposed" to be. I went 24 years through life oblivious to the fact that most people are not wracked with crippling pain every day of their lives because my parents told me whether I was "sick" or not. They were wrong.
  
• Become familiar with people who are of the following groups: current marijuana users, ex-marijuana users, families of marijuana users, and (if appropriate) her friends. I would especially recommend finding ways (such as forums) to talk to current users, as that is the category that has the most similarity to your daughter.
  
• Decide what my goals are. Personally, my goals are thus: 1. be better parents than my own (IE don't stab, murder, starve or rape any family members, and don't favor the white-passing ones and disown the not so white-passing ones - so far, so good!); 2. be reliable, up front, and stable supports; 3. do my best to keep my own personal beliefs and desires from interfering with my children's pursuit of happiness; 4. master pretending that look on my face is just chronic indigestion if she marries someone covered in swastikas.

 

I have dealbeakers too. If my kids were for whatever reason an actual danger to be around? They would need to leave until they weren't putting others in jeopardy... even if that was forever.

 

If my kid were doing meth or cocaine? Rehab and an intent to stop would be mandatory. Meth/cocaine production effects everyone in the community.

 

Pot effects the user, the dealer, the family, and whatever convenience store/cabinet/pizza shop is nearest. Choose your battles.

[beatcuff]

My daughter acts like a spoiled brat and can be nasty. For example she just went with me to the supermarket and before we walked in I told her we need a cart can you grab one, then she turns to me and says NO you need a cart and walks away. After this I went inside and called her out on her nastiness. She goes on to say what am I talking about and she asks me to drop her off at her BF's house. I look at her with disbelief and just said no.

 

I don't care for this tone, attitude or way of being. But she thinks this is OK and its not. She wants our help but she wont help me?

 

The people she hangs with have nothing going for them and most do smoke. When I say its in her best interest to be like me, I mean it in the sense that I went to school, worked hard for everything we have, and obviously the things she enjoys. If she wants to continue this lifestyle it takes hard work.

 

I cannot hand everything to her. She needs to earn it. She doesn't think this way and thinks I should give her everything. She should be accountable for her behavior and attitude and want to improve since I have told her how much this upsets me. But not changing this only shows disrespect.

 

this has nothing to do with pot... why are we ignoring this fact?

 

the tension in this relationship is ---- off the charts.

[jnel921]

I went ahead and decided not to let her behavior and pot use be the reason I prevent her from paying for her education. So i paid this in full.

I went so far as to buy the car as well. She had a dramatic reaction...tears and all. we gave her restrictions telling her for now she could drive to school and work. No friends, no hanging out until we saw negative drug results.

 

The first 3 days of having the car she parked it illegally and the vehicle was towed. She calls me frantic at work and says she needs $150 to get it out. Turns out she has no job or money and cannot pay. So I had to make the arrangements since the car is in my name and I was not paying additional daily storage. I told her she needed to work and claimed she had gotten a job at Panera Bread but was waiting on a call from the Manager as to when to start.

 

Five days later was the first day of Esthetic school she goes in and has ringworm on her face. The director of the school told her she needed to see a doctor and could not return until there was clearance from the doctor.

 

The doctor told her she could go back that Friday. Which was yesterday. During this time she was not in school she claimed she had work hours. Thursday my husband drove by the store she was supposed to have had the job in and called her and asked her what time do you get out. She said 5pm. That was a lie. The car was not in the parking lot. He confronted her and she said nothing. He told her to come home with the car asap. That never happened. During this time went into her room and found out she had bought a guinea pig and had a huge cage covered in a blanket. Something I told her she could not bring into my home. We also found that someone had wired her $2,000 the day before. So we were concerned about what the hell she was doing to get this kind of money. We called her and texted her all night and was ignored.

 

She finally picked up at 2:30 am. She sounded high. I asked her what made her finally pick up my call. She said she was tired of hearing her phone ring. I asked her to come home but she showed up 4 hours later at almost 6am claiming she fell asleep where she was. There was a long discussion and argument. She made an excuse about the money saying she picked it up for someone and he gave her some cash for doing this.

 

I told her there was no love honor or respect for us. Then she said I expect too much. Who the hell says that to their parent? We told her that she couldn't use the car anymore. I threatened to cancel school.

 

She cried and said that I shouldn't take her education away over this. That Ii should ground her for a few weeks. My husband told her that he'd drive her to school which was generous as he works nights and was sacrificing sleep to do this. She got angry and said no. The she took a shower and changed her mind. So my husband took her. he picked her up and she called me and said that she had someone who would take the guinea pig. I told her to have the person pick it up and she insisted it had to be taken over. I told her we'd go when I got home from work. My husband was home with her at this time then went to the store and when he got back she was gone with the animal.

 

I called her and she said she was on her way to the guys house to take the guinea pig and had other things to do. I told her what part of grounding did she not understand. That she was punished and couldn't go anywhere for now unless we took her. But she once again told me no...that is not going to happen. So she left. Hasn't answered any of my calls or texts.

 

This morning I asked her to forward me an address to where I can send her things and that I would inform the school director Monday that she would not be returning. My husband and I have started taking things from her room and will be putting everything in bins. We found so many things in her room that she has stolen from me. She was living like a pig. had piles of clothes, food and paper everywhere.

 

I am about done with this. I tried, I spent my time and money trying to help her and she kicked it back in my face and said the nastiest things to me. What kind of child thinks they can dictate and manipulate their punishment?

Also how dare she get mad at us for reacting to her actions. This makes no sense, she makes no sense. For everyone here who said that smoking pot wasn't a big deal, speak for yourself because everyone is not responsible.

 

My daughter clearly has issues and makes the worst choices which come with a price. I am done paying for her broken plates. She can figure it out on her own.

 

Its hurtful for me that it has come to this. Because as a loving supporting parent I tried my best. But I cannot make her listen.

[jnel921]

She should 'be accountable'? She should 'want to'? You've been TEACHING her disrespect for probably a long time, I suspect.

 

She isn't you, ok? She doesn't have to do things the way you think she should. She shouldn't have to. Because YOUR job was to raise a young lady who is free to have her own thoughts, beliefs, traditions, morals, goals, and yes, thoughts on pot.

 

Now, where this deviates is when she still has to get something from you, like housing or money for school. But I'll tell you what. If you keep expecting her to be mini-you, she's eventually going to become so disgusted that she gives up the housing AND the school. And probably gives up YOU. Is that what you want? A daughter who can't be rid of you soon enough and you end up seeing once a year, if you're lucky? Because that's where you're headed, if you keep judging her. And drug-testing her.

 

 

Turnera,

 

I didn't teach my daughter to be disrespectful. She just is, she is defiant, has always been beginning from middle school. So I cannot control her mental behavior.

 

I did set rules in my house and she has crossed every boundary imaginable. These thoughts, beliefs, traditions, morals, goals, and thoughts on pot... if these are not in the best interest of herself or the people around her then I will say or do something. Just because a serial killer believes he can kill for twisted reasons doesn't meant this is okay. I tried to teach my kids right from wrong. That is what parents do. Not all thoughts are the same or normal.

 

 

And yes I am proud of who I became. Someone who could have helped her. She had one leg up above other kids and was privileged. But it sounds like you have some resentment towards that.

 

My daughter didn't see this as a blessing, she acted like we were supposed to do all of this for her and her in return treat us like crap.

 

Doesn't work that way.

 

If your approach to parenting has worked, good for you. all of us are not blessed to have the best kids and some of us who think we have angel produce the worst criminals in the world. Has nothing to do with the parent but everything to do with the child.

 

I did what I could. I raised my daughter and did everything I could. Suffered all of the stunts and embarrassment she has put me through. Through all of this she wanted an education. But didn't want to sacrifice or earn anything. This should go both ways.

 

She should be accountable and most importantly have some insight and feel remorseful about her actions instead of getting angry at the consequences. When this is not the case I should blame myself? I don't think so.

[anika99]

Turnera,

 

I didn't teach my daughter to be disrespectful. She just is, she is defiant, has always been beginning from middle school. So I cannot control her mental behavior.

 

I did set rules in my house and she has crossed every boundary imaginable. These thoughts, beliefs, traditions, morals, goals, and thoughts on pot... if these are not in the best interest of herself or the people around her then I will say or do something. Just because a serial killer believes he can kill for twisted reasons doesn't meant this is okay. I tried to teach my kids right from wrong. That is what parents do. Not all thoughts are the same or normal.

 

 

And yes I am proud of who I became. Someone who could have helped her. She had one leg up above other kids and was privileged. But it sounds like you have some resentment towards that.

 

My daughter didn't see this as a blessing, she acted like we were supposed to do all of this for her and her in return treat us like crap.

 

Doesn't work that way.

 

If your approach to parenting has worked, good for you. all of us are not blessed to have the best kids and some of us who think we have angel produce the worst criminals in the world. Has nothing to do with the parent but everything to do with the child.

 

I did what I could. I raised my daughter and did everything I could. Suffered all of the stunts and embarrassment she has put me through. Through all of this she wanted an education. But didn't want to sacrifice or earn anything. This should go both ways.

 

She should be accountable and most importantly have some insight and feel remorseful about her actions instead of getting angry at the consequences. When this is not the case I should blame myself? I don't think so.

 

Her self entitled selfish attitude didn't just spring out of nowhere. You spoiled her and you are still spoiling her. I can see paying for the education but no way should she have gotten the car. No way should her father be chauffeuring her around. It's called a bus. Buy her a bus pass.

 

I was poor when I was raising my kids. It's not something I'm proud of, as a matter of fact I feel sad and guilty that I wasn't able to provide any of the good things in life to them. Pretty much just a roof over their head, food and clothing and not much else. I'm not proud that we were poor but I will say my kids learned the value of work and of earning very early on. When they wanted things like game boys, fancy bikes, and popular name brand clothes and shoes, they had to make their own money and buy those things themselves, which they did. By the time they became adults they were both mature and responsible. I'd like to think I would have made them earn their crap even if I had money but it's hard to say. I may have been tempted to spoil to them but it would have been to their detriment.

[jnel921]

Her self entitled selfish attitude didn't just spring out of nowhere. You spoiled her and you are still spoiling her. I can see paying for the education but no way should she have gotten the car. No way should her father be chauffeuring her around. It's called a bus. Buy her a bus pass.

 

I was poor when I was raising my kids. It's not something I'm proud of, as a matter of fact I feel sad and guilty that I wasn't able to provide any of the good things in life to them. Pretty much just a roof over their head, food and clothing and not much else. I'm not proud that we were poor but I will say my kids learned the value of work and of earning very early on. When they wanted things like game boys, fancy bikes, and popular name brand clothes and shoes, they had to make their own money and buy those things themselves, which they did. By the time they became adults they were both mature and responsible. I'd like to think I would have made them earn their crap even if I had money but it's hard to say. I may have been tempted to spoil to them but it would have been to their detriment.

 

Unfortunately where we live we need cars to get around since we are in a higher elevation. I didn't grow up with money. I understand the value of a dollar. My son has 3 jobs and I raised them both the same. I gave them things but it was never anything extravagant. Yes, I gave her them a better life and bought a home, they have their own rooms but that's about it. I said she acted like a spoiled brat. Not that she was.

 

My daughter has had many jobs but cant keep them do to her defiant behavior.

 

Everyone here says let her grow and let her be. But if I have rules and she is in my home that is what I expect her to respect. When she disappeared and took the car she returned it with cigarette and pot ashes. weed paper and lighters strewn about the car. The inside smelled like an ashtray. This is 10 days after receiving it. I paid for this car to take her to school. Not to party with her friends and not to disrespect me and crap the car I allowed her to use.

 

I wish there were other options. I took the train everywhere and didn't have a car until I left home. She has no choice because now she cannot drive the car and I am pulling her out of school on Monday. The party is over.

Edited December 11, 2016 by jnel921

[turnera]

I did set rules in my house and she has crossed every boundary imaginable.

 

She should be accountable and most importantly have some insight and feel remorseful about her actions instead of getting angry at the consequences. When this is not the case I should blame myself? I don't think so.

I didn't say to blame yourself. I said to do things differently. A rule is pointless if you don't hand out the consequence. And she obviously learned that early on. There ARE no rules because you never ENFORCED any.

 

You are finally doing the right thing, which is kicking her out and letting her figure out for herself that she has to follow rules. She'll likely bounce from friend to friend, burning all bridges, because she hasn't learned that she'll suffer by using people. And her friends aren't going to be nearly as lenient as you, so she'll probably be out of people to use fairly soon. Just be super strong at that point, because she's going to pull out all the stops to guilt you. At that point, give her the address of some homeless shelters.

 

And if you're letting her keep that car, by all means, get the title transferred before YOU become responsible for whatever she does with it.

[jnel921]

I didn't say to blame yourself. I said to do things differently. A rule is pointless if you don't hand out the consequence. And she obviously learned that early on. There ARE no rules because you never ENFORCED any.

 

You are finally doing the right thing, which is kicking her out and letting her figure out for herself that she has to follow rules. She'll likely bounce from friend to friend, burning all bridges, because she hasn't learned that she'll suffer by using people. And her friends aren't going to be nearly as lenient as you, so she'll probably be out of people to use fairly soon. Just be super strong at that point, because she's going to pull out all the stops to guilt you. At that point, give her the address of some homeless shelters.

 

And if you're letting her keep that car, by all means, get the title transferred before YOU become responsible for whatever she does with it.

 

She is staying with a friend and her family who I am sure will not appreciate the 20 bins and 5 boxes of personal items I will be sending her. She does not have the car. I am still paying for it. The withdraw letter has been sent to the director of the school and hopefully I can recover some of my money,

 

I told her I wasn't going to speak to her nor did I want to see her. This has been very upsetting. I haven't cried this much for a long time. You want your kids to leave home on good terms and this one totally hurt me.

 

Yes it will be hard but I plan to stay strong until she realizes what she has done and hopefully shows sincere remorse. Perhaps one day our relationship will improve. For now I need distance.

[turnera]

There are two kinds of people - the ones who see the smart way to do something and do it and the ones who have to figure it out for themselves. Your son is the former, your daughter is the latter. It's not something you have control over. But holding firm on YOUR morals and boundaries is. She is free to run from you, you're free to hold firm. Eventually, the world of hard knocks will probably (not guaranteed) figure out that you weren't so bad after all, and will return to be your friend. It may not happen right away. I know a lady who took a good 30 years to figure it out. In and out of prison, lost her kids, all kinds of trouble. She's now about 50, living with her mom, finally gave up the fight to 'be her own person' and do things her way.

 

Your daughter probably won't take that long, but it's still her journey. She'll figure it out when she figures it out.

[jnel921]

The only peace.of mind I have is that I tried and exhausted every resource to try and advise and help her. I cannot control her actions. Cleaning out her room this weekend was heartbreaking. I must have thrown out 25 lighters that were hidden all over her room. I found a diary from last year where she writes how we are all angry with her but she never writes what she did or that she was wrong.

 

I am going to stick to my decision of not talking ort texting her. She really let us down. She wanted everything without earning it or proving to us that she could really change.

 

I will focus on my son and hopefully his dreams of going to the military will be realized this week as he will be taking the test.

[anika99]

Unfortunately where we live we need cars to get around since we are in a higher elevation. I didn't grow up with money. I understand the value of a dollar. My son has 3 jobs and I raised them both the same. I gave them things but it was never anything extravagant. Yes, I gave her them a better life and bought a home, they have their own rooms but that's about it. I said she acted like a spoiled brat. Not that she was.

 

My daughter has had many jobs but cant keep them do to her defiant behavior.

 

Everyone here says let her grow and let her be. But if I have rules and she is in my home that is what I expect her to respect. When she disappeared and took the car she returned it with cigarette and pot ashes. weed paper and lighters strewn about the car. The inside smelled like an ashtray. This is 10 days after receiving it. I paid for this car to take her to school. Not to party with her friends and not to disrespect me and crap the car I allowed her to use.

 

I wish there were other options. I took the train everywhere and didn't have a car until I left home. She has no choice because now she cannot drive the car and I am pulling her out of school on Monday. The party is over.

 

Okay, well in that case, your daughter reminds me a lot of my youngest little brother. My oldest little brother and myself were obedient children for the most part. My stepfather (my little brothers' biological father) was horribly strict and punitive so me and the older of my two brothers knew to toe the line but it was amazing to watch my youngest brother totally defy my parents time and time again. He was constantly being punished. First it was spankings every single day then as he got older it was being grounded, losing privileges and items. Nothing seemed to phase him or get through to him. By the time he was a teen my mom and stepfather were divorced and I think some of the stress caused by my brother contributed to their marital discord.

 

By the time my brother was sixteen he had been kicked out by my mom, then taken in and kicked out by his father. Then he went through everyone else available. I was sixteen years older than him and I tried to take him in for awhile myself. I ended up kicking him out too and I felt horrible guilt over it but I had my own kids and he just brought way too much drama. Not only would he not go to school or keep a job, he had a nasty temper. Huge dramatic fights would erupt whenever he was around and everyone would just let out a sigh of relief when he would leave. It was so frustrating because no matter how much someone tried to help him it was never enough in his eyes, and it never helped. This continued on throughout his twenties. My own sons were grown up and independent while my little brother was still bouncing around, chronically unemployed and homeless. He's in his mid thirties now and last I heard he was finally doing better. He doesn't talk to any of us because as each of us stopped trying to rescue him, he washed his hands of us. Once he couldn't get anymore out of us we became useless to him.

 

I still feel guilt over him but I've also come to believe that he is disordered in some way. I don't think he's ever loved anyone. Even my mother who loved him the most and tried the hardest became useless to him when she went into assisted living and he could no longer use her for anything. She hasn't heard from him or seen him in years.

 

Sorry for the grim story. I don't mean to imply that your daughter is as hopeless and as lost as my brother, I just meant to convey that I can understand how a kid can just be impossible no matter how hard you have tried to do the right thing. Hopefully your daughter will find her way out of this soon.