Will this be the road to estrangement... [Update Nov 2018]

[whichwayisup]

For my D to lie, disrespect and contribute nothing to my household. Turns out the ex BF got arrested for beating his baby momma. His mother felt the need to call my D to go the police station and support her. When she lied to me and did this I went off.

 

Now her tune is changing about him. He doesn't want to be with her or this baby. She is going to keep talking to this abuser and I have issue with that. She left my house on Monday and has not been back. I don't know where she is but she says she will be home but is threatening me.

 

She says if I don't put her in school she is going to kill herself. She told me I didn't love her. She doesn't want to be here. The girl is out of control now. She is really upsetting me.

 

Sounds like she needs to be assessed. 72 hours in a mental hospital, especially since she's threatening suicide. She probably has some form of mental illness that needs to be fixed, be on meds and combo therapy.

[jnel921]

My D was diagnosed 2 years ago with Borderline Personality Disorder. I do belong to another forum that supports persons and people who have or have to deal with this.

 

Unfortunately I don't see the end of this road anytime soon. My D refuses any treatment. She cannot survive on her own. This year she has had at least 5 jobs and just started a new one this week. Her emotions do not allow her to make the best choices and she expects everyone to understand her.

 

I am afraid if she had gone through with her pregnancy she would have expected me to raise a baby at 50. I told her I wouldn't do this which is part of the reason she aborted. She blames me at times when she is upset and thinks about it. We get into it and I always remind her that if she wants to have kids it shouldn't be dependent on me raising them. That was never going to happen.

 

She has not seen the ex BF so I know he is no longer in the picture. He has a GF who is due in December who he flaunts all over social media. My D has been spending time with other guys and I am sure she has been sexually active with all of them. At one point she introduced us to a guy we liked, He was in college, 2 jobs and had ambition but of course she stopped seeing him. I wasn't surprised. I don't think she would ever date anyone we actually approve of.

 

Currently she is talking to the same boy who she left my home initially before she turned 18. This kid was 15 the time, 3 years younger and lives with his parents. This family is similar to the last BF where they put up with my D or are afraid of the son so if she stays over there doesn't seem to be an issue. At that time was the first time she ever stayed out of my home to be with a guy, which upset me because he was a boy. Like what was she thinking. Now he is 18. She will be 21 this month.

 

I told her she needs to grow up and find a real man not a boy where she thinks she can be a kid and live off of someone else forever. This kid is a wannabe rapper and I think my D thinks she is Kim Kardashian.

 

Recently I was put on anti depressants to deal with everything that is going on in my life. I have my dad who is almost done rehabbing from an amputation nearby and my mom has been living with me since May. She has witnessed all of the drama that is my D and she is disappointed too. She gets concerned and is often times sad for me.

 

My H and I have started to get into more arguments because he just wants my D to get out. He is not offering any solution or suggesting how she will make it, he just wants her out. He doesn't consider that she is not mentally healthy. He thinks its made up. But how is the past 7 years made up?

 

Sometimes I want to run away. I cant, I have my parents to worry about and my job that I need but has been giving me grief lately for the time that I need to deal with all of this. It hasn't been easy and I pray everyday that something gets better for me.

 

Its been really tough. For any parent that notices this kind of behavior when your kids are in middle school, nip it in the bud at that time. Do everything you can before they turn 18. Once they are 18 its harder. They have to consent to everything and most wont. I wish I could go back in time.

Edited September 1, 2018 by jnel921

[jnel921]

My D turned 21 last week. So in an attempt to start a reset button we enrolled her in Esthetics school again. She is driving our car. Has a part time job at Dollar Tree she started a last week.

 

So far I had to ream her about the car use again. I pay for gas and she was picking up a HS boy she has been talking to and took him to school causing herself to be late. I quickly had to tell her about this.

 

She has been waking up with an attitude and already we have gotten into an argument.

 

I still have my parents here and found them an apartment but am awaiting the application approval. I am desperate for a vacation from all of this stress.

[whichwayisup]

Any update J? Hope things are going better with your daughter.

[jnel921]

My D is no longer with the BF so that is good. She did however start seeing another guy who is a serious pothead and I am unsure if this guy even works. He came to our home last week and met us. He seemed ok but my H pointed out to him that he looked high. Honestly both my D and the guy were acting silly.

 

My D is in esthetics school since September. I am happy to report she has had very good grades so she is doing well. We have tried to reward her by giving her more slack when it comes to the car, but she has proved that she doesn't follow our rules when it comes to this either. She isn't working and it seems like every job she has had she last 2 weeks or less. I am guessing she has friends who show up and she is just unprofessional.

 

We have told her about the house rules which she has issues with but we always threaten to kick her out or stop paying for school. Just recently she tried to sneak the new BF in her room and I personally escorted him back to the next town and that same morning he snuck back into my house. So issues already with that relationship and the lack of respect for either of us. Right now he isn't welcome until further notice. He said he wanted to redeem himself but I am not sure how.

 

School is should be done in March. I am expecting that she will have a good paying job that will afford her to be able to move out by the summer. Unfortunely if she doesn't get it together and learns to manage money and save I cant see her making ends meet. She is still smoking pot and I don't see that changing either.

 

Things haven't improved much but at least she is on a path. I have moved my parents into another apartment and they are no longer here with me so at least I have one thing resolved.

 

I am continuing to pray and put myself first and not allow her and her bad choices to stress me out. I am making all decisions with my H so that we are on the same page. Taking it day by day and hoping she doesn't do the most.

[Artdeco]

I admire your patience and stamina with all this. This could break any marriage, especially if one is “only” the stepparent (like your H), so I congratulate you on your strong marriage. I’m glad he’s supportive, and I hope your daughter comes around.

[Mrschaney]

I hate to tell you this but I dont see much hope. My ex is exactly like your daughter. I stuck with him for 20 years through drugs, violence, prison terms, lies, cheating, theft, and every kind of abuse there is. I finally gave up. His mother has been dealing with him the way you deal with your daughter because she loves him. He is now 49 and has not changed. She is in her seventies dealing with this. Her life has been hell for 35 years. He will not change and Im afraid you need to accept that your daughter wont either. They simply cant. Cut ties and try to enjoy the rest of your life. Move if you have to. I did. It was the only way to save myself. Im so sorry.

[jnel921]

Thanks for your replies.

 

Mschaney… While I understand your feelings, as a parent you cannot give up on your children. When I first put up this post my daughter was 19 and I was struggling with her pot use. A lot of you though I was being unreasonable. But my main issue was always her behavior. Right now as a country this drug is starting to be legalized and right now this is being negotiated here in NY. While I don't like it my D is now 21 and the only control I have is what happens in my home. So can she use it here. No.

 

While she is here and receiving support from us I expect her to obey our rules, be honest and respect us. The minute she gets herself in trouble, arrested or even thinks she can put a hand on me I would be done with her. I wouldn't have a problem putting her out. We do have boundaries and as parents I think respect should go both ways.

 

My D's biggest issue is her mental health as she suffers from BPD. She refuses to get to therapy however I see that she is recognizing herself in the people she meets and this is becoming a turn off to her. She is very close to finishing her licensing in 2 months and is doing very well in school. She has admitted to me that she is afraid to leave home and be "a grown up". But eventually this will have to happen and I don't have a problem giving her advice on how to do this as long as there is a mutual respect.

 

My H and I are doing our best to handle and help our D without it getting in the way of our M. At the end of the day she will leave and it will be only us. So we need to keep our bond as strong as possible. This is tough as he does get more upset than I do and has lost it a few times over the last couple of months. He has apologized to us both and has promised to be more positive. I believe he too had a hopeless attitude and made that known to us which wasn't healthy for any of us. He is trying and I keep reminding him that she is almost done with school and next year will be about working and trying to move out on her own.

 

This has been a really difficult journey. I wish I could say things got better, right now they are just stable.My hope is that now that my D is now 21 and finally achieving something. My hopes is that she will turn a corner and turn her life around. Thanks to everyone here who has read through this thread and given me support, probably has gone through or is going through something similar and is getting something from this.

 

The holidays are here and my son comes home today from the army for 2 weeks. I am over the moon to be off from work and have my family home with me...warts and all!

Edited December 22, 2018 by jnel921