What can I do...

[Jemima1234]

Poor woman- my heart breaks for her. I have been there- not with a man who it was just sex with - but been in that place where it seemed impossible to let go. But she needs help and not from you. Therapy, medication whatever. And you need to say to her to stop emailing you.

 

But she can't help how she feels and that she isn't over you. I know what it's like to know you should be over someone but you are not. It's hell.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Don't reply.

 

Don't engage.

 

Don't feel symapthy for her.

 

Next time you get an email, delete it without opening it.

 

If you see her, ignore her

 

Block her. If needed ask your work to change your email address.

 

Any contact--ANY-- gets her the "fix". You need to act like you don't exist anymore.

 

You know when our siblings teased and bullied us, our moms used to always tell us "just ignore them and they'll lose interest and stop"

 

 

Just so you know, this does not work to help you get over someone. Walking by someone you slept with for 5 years and acting like they don't exist is a good way to get a bullet in the head. Just saying.

[jen1447]

Just so you know, this does not work to help you get over someone. Walking by someone you slept with for 5 years and acting like they don't exist is a good way to get a bullet in the head. Just saying.

 

Or a good way to get a bullet into their head, unfortunately. Never ever dehumanize someone - it's about the worst thing you can do to a person.

[Cyra]

I have a suggestion, let her read this thread and what you wrote about the situation. That could wake her up to reality.

[Chica80]

I think you are wrong, maybe???

 

We had a good time together, not just sex. She is a great girl. But she knew that a future was not going to happen.

 

I am not sure if I would actually get into a real relationship even if I was divorced.

 

And I understand that I cannot tell her when to move on, I get that.

 

And I did not end it because we did like spending time together. I realize that it was selfish, not to end it sooner than I did.

 

Everyone heals at their own time and in their own way. You meant more to her than she did to you. And part of this is probably due to her own issues she needs to deal with. Although you can't fix her or heal her. You can have compassion and respect for someone you say you cared about.

 

We may use eachother in an A this is true......but no one wants to feel discarded.

[imperfectangel]

All respect to some if you haven't been a ow/I'm I'm really don't know how you can have a opinion.

 

My mm used to break it off ignore me for ages the wed start back up.

 

All I wanted was for him to say it was over.

 

Just email her, short and sweet." It's over I'm sorry don't contact me again. "

 

No, ultimately closure comes from within but this will help her. I am a over thinker too - obsessive even and the more he ignored me the more I needed to hear from him. I felt like I was dying. I cannot put into words how much him ignoring me did to me. I could barely function. God knows what my friends thought.

 

This lady was a ONS, she was a part of your life for a long time. On a human level have some compassion and put her out of her misery

[ChickiePops]

REspectgully Blues,

 

YOU don't get to tell her when to move on. Everybody moves on at their own pace. It's her moving on, not you. If she is irritating you, tell her kindly to let you alone.

 

Cheers,

Poppy.

 

True..but she doesn't get to depend on him to help her move on either. That's her responsibility and hers alone.

 

As Blues said, she was aware of his marriage and he made her no promises. They're broken up. He doesn't owe her anything at this point..he owes his wife his fidelity though.

 

And what good would it do her to be in contact with him anyway at this point? How will that help her in any way whatsoever?

[ChickiePops]

All respect to some if you haven't been a ow/I'm I'm really don't know how you can have a opinion.

 

My mm used to break it off ignore me for ages the wed start back up.

 

All I wanted was for him to say it was over.

 

Just email her, short and sweet." It's over I'm sorry don't contact me again. "

 

No, ultimately closure comes from within but this will help her. I am a over thinker too - obsessive even and the more he ignored me the more I needed to hear from him. I felt like I was dying. I cannot put into words how much him ignoring me did to me. I could barely function. God knows what my friends thought.

 

This lady was a ONS, she was a part of your life for a long time. On a human level have some compassion and put her out of her misery

 

Anyone who has been through a break up is entitled to their opinion on how to handle an ex who continues to contact.

 

Forgive me if I'm wrong but it sounds like he did break up with her..Blues did you break up or did you just ghost her? Because ghosting is cruel..I don't care what the situation is.

[imperfectangel]

I think affairs are different, esp if it's being on/off she's probably just waiting for his wife to fall off the wagon and for them to start back up again

[anika99]

I think affairs are different, esp if it's being on/off she's probably just waiting for his wife to fall off the wagon and for them to start back up again

 

Well if that's the case then this OW has issues beyond anything BP can help her with. If she circling the marriage like a vulture waiting for it to die then she needs professional help.

 

I've not be an OW but I've been dumped by someone I really loved and thought I had a future with. Someone who said they loved me and wanted to spend their life with me, someone who never said he was unhappy with me, someone who would talk about how we would marry and where we would live and what we would do. Then one day it was "oh I don't want to be tied down anymore, don't see you as the one, need to be on my own, blah,blah blah.." Then he ignored my pleas to talk, to reconsider, to let me work on whatever he needed me to improve or fix. Stayed as cold and hard as ice and after a couple of weeks I knew I had to walk away because I was demeaning myself and he didn't find it endearing.

 

Affair or no affair, people have the right to end their romantic relationship at anytime for any reason. Being dumped for seemingly no good reason isn't something that only happens to the OW, lots of people have had their hearts broken in the same way. The dumpee has to respect it, accept it and move on. That's life.

[imperfectangel]

Maybe she does have issues, don't we all? But if it's being on and off she's probably just waiting for it to be "on" again.

 

Ultimately it's up to blue what he does but as ow who was picked up and dropped more times than I care to admit really all I wanted was for mm to say it's over. I don't mean dress it up as "can't see you as much blah blah blah" I mean cold straight through the heart words. Leaving no doubt.

 

I even told my mm I have blocked him now, as he was the one that wanted to carry on at the end. I gave him what he would never give to me - the truth - then I slammed the door shut right in his face.

[ShatteredLady]

I think it's often different as an OW. Most 'normal' relationships doing include all the push-pull, ghosting, reconnecting, ignoring, smothering etc.

 

What if she's reading one of these forums where she will be being told "He will come back when he's bored. They always do!". I've read that one a lot.

 

I've repeatedly read, "He can't love his wife if he's having sex with you!". It seems like so very many women believe that. "He's only staying for money, kids, status...".

 

Where else on forums (without the MM's side of the story) do OW believe the things that Blues is saying?

 

 

My concern is the way you explain things Blues. I completely understand but when you say that your marriage depends on your wife's 'health' it does leave the door open for your ex OW. As has already been said, I bet she thinks your wife will fall off of the wagon & you will be back.

 

Are you sure that you made it crystal clear that regardless of your wife's 'health' you won't be her happily ever after?

[Chica80]

I think it's often different as an OW. Most 'normal' relationships doing include all the push-pull, ghosting, reconnecting, ignoring, smothering etc.

 

What if she's reading one of these forums where she will be being told "He will come back when he's bored. They always do!". I've read that one a lot.

 

I've repeatedly read, "He can't love his wife if he's having sex with you!". It seems like so very many women believe that. "He's only staying for money, kids, status...".

 

Where else on forums (without the MM's side of the story) do OW believe the things that Blues is saying?

 

 

My concern is the way you explain things Blues. I completely understand but when you say that your marriage depends on your wife's 'health' it does leave the door open for your ex OW. As has already been said, I bet she thinks your wife will fall off of the wagon & you will be back.

 

Are you sure that you made it crystal clear that regardless of your wife's 'health' you won't be her happily ever after?

 

 

Yes SL. This and what IA said above, not dress it up nice you deserve better, or you need to move on...

 

I don't want you anymore. I don't need you anymore. Please move on.

[amaysngrace]

Ultimately it's up to blue what he does but as ow who was picked up and dropped more times than I care to admit really all I wanted was for mm to say it's over. I don't mean dress it up as "can't see you as much blah blah blah" I mean cold straight through the heart words. Leaving no doubt.

 

I agree that even though it may seem mean it's best to be direct. So many people nowadays want everything sugarcoated rather than take the bitter truth.

 

It's insulting when you think about it. And it prolongs the agony.

[sandylee1]

Blues is looking for help with his own situation. Let's not turn this into another round of affairs are bad and who is or who is not a victim.

 

You misunderstand me.

 

The question of affairs being good or bad is a no brainer... that's not what I'm saying here, so please see what's not there to be seen.

 

I'm simply saying she knew the score...Blues shouldn't feel guilty and that blocking /igoring /telling her to leave him alone as he's committed to his marriage would be the best options.

[Jersey born raised]

There really is no such thing as FWB. There are short time and location specific flings but those are not FWB. I recall a fling in the eighties in wildwood on the jersey shore with a French Canadian girl. After the week in return home to northern jersey she returned to Montreal. Both of us where single in our early twenties and never spoke or wrote again.

 

Bottom line after a week or so someone aiways cones up in the short end of the stick.

[elaine567]

I think telling her it is over, succinctly and clearly is what needs to be done. imperfectangel makes a good point. If this has been on and off for the last 5 years, then she will just be waiting for his wife to make a wrong move, the sex to drop off or his wife to request a divorce due to all that cheating he did, and it is then all on again.

I guess she thinks that once Blues feels the need then she will be waiting to supply that need as she loves him and does not want to give up on him. A 5 year relationship is a big deal and not something someone can just switch off. Yes, she knew he was married but many OW see that as a bit of a temporary inconvenience on the way to a real relationship with the MM and not as meaning "This ain't going nowhere EVER."

 

Unless he gives her closure straight from the horse's mouth, then I think no amount of ignoring will get through to her.

She will just think he cannot talk as his wife won't let him, but once the wife is out of the way for any reason, it will again be green for go... she just has to wait patiently. She may also feel she knows him better than he knows himself.

Time will tell.

 

(btw if you do speak to her then none of this "I care for you, but..." or "You mean a lot to me, but..." as that is just confusing and will give her the wrong idea totally. All she will hear is that you care for her and she will think you are only doing this because of your wife, or out of duty, she needs to get the message that YOU are ending this, because it is what YOU want, do not hide behind your wife or your marriage.)

[Chica80]

I agree that even though it may seem mean it's best to be direct. So many people nowadays want everything sugarcoated rather than take the bitter truth.

 

It's insulting when you think about it. And it prolongs the agony.

 

That is exactly what she is saying be direct no room for misinterpretation

[sandylee1]

• The affair is over

• There's no need to talk to her

• It's best to ignore or she'll fantasise that you may still want her. She's obviously okay with being the OW and hasn't been able to move on from you.

 

Block, ignore or a brief and to the point no contact letter be your options.

 

If you go down the no contact route or responding to her... tell her your wife is aware of the email and any other emails she sends will be viewed by your wife and deleted.

 

Usually it's all secrets between APs , so the thought that your wife will see her messages will be a strong message that it's done and you're fully committed to your marriage and you and your wife are solid.

 

She really needs to get over it without bothering you, otherwise even though the affair is over ... her sending these messages is interfering with your marriage.

[Chica80]

I think telling her it is over, succinctly and clearly is what needs to be done. imperfectangel makes a good point. If this has been on and off for the last 5 years, then she will just be waiting for his wife to make a wrong move, the sex to drop off or his wife to request a divorce due to all that cheating he did, and it is then all on again.

I guess she thinks that once Blues feels the need then she will be waiting to supply that need as she loves him and does not want to give up on him. A 5 year relationship is a big deal and not something someone can just switch off. Yes, she knew he was married but many OW see that as a bit of a temporary inconvenience on the way to a real relationship with the MM and not as meaning "This ain't going nowhere EVER."

 

Unless he gives her closure straight from the horse's mouth, then I think no amount of ignoring will get through to her.

She will just think he cannot talk as his wife won't let him, but once the wife is out of the way for any reason, it will again be green for go... she just has to wait patiently. She may also feel she knows him better than he knows himself.

Time will tell.

 

(btw if you do speak to her then none of this "I care for you, but..." or "You mean a lot to me, but..." as that is just confusing and will give her the wrong idea totally. All she will hear is that you care for her and she will think you are only doing this because of your wife, or out of duty, she needs to get the message that YOU are ending this, because it is what YOU want, do not hide behind your wife or your marriage.)

 

Exactly what I was trying to convey. You said it perfect. I care for you but or you mean a lot to me is just more confusing. And tortous it leaves it open....

[aileD]

Just so you know, this does not work to help you get over someone. Walking by someone you slept with for 5 years and acting like they don't exist is a good way to get a bullet in the head. Just saying.

 

So when do you draw the line? He's told her a bunch of times, made it clear to her, and kept his word to not leave his wife. Kept his word that if wife got sober he had no use for an affair.

 

I'm not saying she doesn't have feelings, I'm saying that by this point...it's not his responsibility to hold her hand in helping her get over him.

[BluesPower]

In order to answer some of these posts/questions;

 

I will, if she contacts me again, try to let her know that it is really, completely, totally over.

 

But just so everyone knows. When my wife got sober, and wanted another chance for the marriage, I explained to her what the deal was.

 

Of course she did not take it well. Maybe I was too kind about it, but it is hard for me to just say F*** off and beat it to a women.

 

There was not push pull from me during this affair. We broke up a couple of times, but SHE always came back to me wanting to see me and whatnot.

 

If I had realized early enough, I guess I should have stopped it there. My mistake.

 

Further, I let her know several times that if I got divorced, I would not be in any "relationship" with any woman.

 

I don't fall in love easily, and frankly, love has cost me a lot of years of misery.

 

Looking back, I guess that she just did not want to hear any of that. And, like a lot of people, she thought she could change me.

[seren]

If Blues replies it will open communication again, even to let her know it is over, it is contact, even if what is said isn't what she wants to hear. if Blues has promised NC to his wife, then he breaks that promise, if he replies to OW, then it could be the start of her sending yet more email's asking why or suggestions to meet etc. If Blues had led her on, then I can understand her need for closure, but he was open and upfront that it was not a relationship that was going anywhere other than laughs and sex.

 

I know the OW my H had an affair with kept trying to contact some 6 years after being told it was over. If either H or I replied it would be the start of a barrage of emails and wasn't good for any of us. When OW said but you said X,Y or Z, H said yes, but it wasn't what I said but how it was interpreted. An example being, me and seren don't have sex because of her treatment right now, meant just that, but it was heard as, seren is refusing sex with H. Different thing entirely from his mouth to her ears. Another was H saying, I haven't had a home cooked meal in ages because she is doing an important project and is sick, this interpreted as I (OW) will cook for you every night, seren cannot be bothered to look after you, but I will. I get that and understand how things said are hear differently, but, saying a relationship is sex only is hard to misinterpret, as hurtful as that is.

 

After 12 months you would hope she had moved on and found someone to love her for all that she is, and maybe she needs closure to enable her to move on, maybe she is regretting wasting 4 years having just for sex when she hoped for more. But it isn't Blue's place to be her crutch, the way me and H tried to deal with it was for us both to sign on the email that said sorry for your hurt but we are together and there is no future and wish her well, might work, it didn't for us, we spent over 6 years dealing with escalating emails and some pretty awful stuff and had to call the police in the end. I would not respond unless your wife is on board and be as kind as I could while ensuring there are no openings for misinterpretation.

[aileD]

I agree that the contact just opens a door .

 

If he has already made it clear and been firm to her there's no reason to keep doing that. (If he hasn't, he needs to).

 

My WH broke things off a bunch off times with his OW. Even when he was firm, she would continue to email him

 

"Can we talk about this part of what you said in your goodbye email"

"Can we meet just one more time? I just need finality" (it was never just once)

"I have questions about this, you owe me an answer"

"You left some Tupperware in my car, I'm here to drop it off"

 

And H was nice. He cared about her and wanted to help her. He didn't want to hurt her. And it just turned into continuing the affair and hurting her again and again and again with each goodbye.

 

As I (and therapist) told WH, he cannot be the person that helps her get over things. He's the person causing the pain, therefore he cannot be the one to try to help her thru it.

 

On the other side of things, he's broken it off with the OW and it sounds like he's made it clear. He's reconciling with his wife.

 

The reconciliation is the priority now. Him and his wife together should decide how to handle this, to be honest.

 

What does your wife think?

[ChickiePops]

I think affairs are different, esp if it's being on/off she's probably just waiting for his wife to fall off the wagon and for them to start back up again

 

Ehhhh maybe slightly different but not by a whole lot. I've done the on/off relationship before too. After a while, it was entirely my own fault that I kept getting hurt. Ditto for this OW. She kept getting slapped and coming back for more..she can only blame herself for that now.