What can I do...

[xxoo]

When getting into an affair, you must expect and accept that you don't have full control over how the other person is going to handle it ending. It's an inherent risk. You want her to go away quietly, but she isn't doing so. Ok. As long as she isn't doing anything illegal, you can't make her stop. You can block her, but that's about it.

[Quiet Storm]

You used her! You loved your wife no one else and could not have sex with her. So found others to have sex with. Who cares that you didn't lie or future fake. Don't say all this crap about how you care about her you don't. As long as your needs were getting met you were fine and you told her the "truth" to assuage your own guilt.

 

It was mutual using, though.

 

Like many affairs, it appears MM was seeking sex and companionship and OW was seeking attention and companionship. They both were getting their individual needs met.

 

One of my favorite sayings is "Check yourself before you wreck yourself" and it applies here. OW knew MM was married. If Blues is being honest, OW knew there was no chance for a future. Yet, in spite of that, she allowed her emotions to drive her actions. She suppressed the logical, smart side of herself that was warning her "He's married, he's using me." Now, a year later, she's still emotionally stuck on him.

 

We all have an internal warning system that is designed to spark doubt in our minds when things don't add up, when actions aren't matching words, etc. That nagging doubt that says, "Hmmm, he's married and I'm really starting to feel a connection to him. I need to back away because I will get hurt".

 

Even OW who are future faked get these warning bells, as evidenced by the posts on this board. Those uneasy feelings are our smart self saying to our emotional self "Check yourself before you wreck yourself!"

 

The problem is that this valuable warning system is suppressed and ignored.

 

In BluesPower's case, OW allowed her emotions to rule in a situation that was very emotionally risky for her.

 

Is it BluesPower's job to protect OWs emotions? No. It's OW's responsibility to protect herself from harm- just like she should wear a seatbelt to protect her body in a car accident and apply sunscreen to protect herself from sunburn.

 

Emotional harm can be very damaging, and if you participate in risky relationships, it will likely result in emotional pain. If you spend hours on the beach in the Fla. sun, you will pay for it later. If a woman gets emotionally involved with a MM, she will pay for it later.

 

While it would be nice if others had our best interests at heart, it's not their responsibility. It's a big leap of faith to expect a guy who's currently cheating on his wife to say "I'm ending this now because it seems like you're falling in love with me". Especially when 1) OW has chosen to participate in an affair with a married guy and 2) was told by MM "I'm not leaving my wife". It's just not smart to put your emotional well being in the hands of someone who's already shown himself to be untrustworthy.

 

Blues, my suggestion is to ignore the contact from her. Any contact at all, even negative contact, will give her hope. Otherwise, it's up to her to get over this. You cannot help her.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Sunshinechica, simmer down now. Why is it that the man the one that is using the woman for sex.

 

Don't women use men for sex? Seems to me like they do. I am a bad person because a woman wants to have sex with me because she needs to get laid. And I should just turn them away because I don't want to be a predator?

 

I kind of think that is degrading to woman. Because what you are saying in a way is that, "Women are to stupid to want to have sex and not be in love". I just don't know if that is really how it is.

 

And so you know, I don't have guilt about having sex with them I have guilt because some of them got hurt. You know some of them did not get hurt. Some of them were happy to use me for sex and send me on my way. I am actually good with that.

 

Also, she new the truth. She new that I loved my wife. I am not sure what I was supposed to do in my situation. I told all of them the truth, and while I did not carry a sigh that said "This is about sex", I told them all what the deal was.

 

I guess women that want to have some decent sex without some deep abiding love are all just stupid. And all men that have sex with them are predators???

 

Is that how it works?

 

It is unfortunate but it is just the reality that in general, women will fall in love with the man they are sleeping with, especially since you were together (off and on, yes I know) for 4-5 years. That is a long time. I'm finally feeling better, 10 months over now, and mine was only 5 months (and the sex was bad and only 2x). You are looking at this woman carrying a torch for you for potentially many more years.

 

However, I am familiar with your predicament as I have two close guy friends. Both are divorcing/divorced and want to have sex but are not looking for a relationship. One is forever in love with his ex wife and the other is just not ready. Women throw themselves at these men. One is cute, the other not really, but they are in their 40s and there are not a lot of men available. And so they each keep taking what is offered and the women are then confused. They don't know how to handle the texts from women who they slept with but are not really looking for anything more from. They were honest upfront - it is just sex, and the women said it was cool, they were fine with just sex. But they are not really fine, women use sex to get love and these days, men don't even have to pretend to love you once you are 40, women send sexually aggressive texts and open the door naked, they like to appear confident, but it's an act.

 

So as a woman I see their side and as a friend to guys, I see their side. Should they be alone because they can't commit? If they told the women the truth, does that let them off the emotional hook? I'll tell you what I would tell them - you made a mistake keeping this woman around for years, I don't care how cool she seemed about it. At your age, you should know how women operate and you should have known better. But done is done so my advice is to be cruel to be kind. Kill it. Leave zero uncertainly that it is over - finito. "I do not love you, it is over and we are never getting back together". She will hate you and cry but will move on. And I know how guys think, you are reluctant to really kill it because you think to yourself, what if I need her down the road in a year, or two or three? That is selfish and wrong. Kill it and set her free.

 

As an aside, seeing how men really think and feel has been an eye opener. We women tend to not listen to what you say. You say, "it's just sex" or "I'm not leaving my wife" and we think, "I know he really loves me, deep down he must. He is just not in touch with his feelings. I can change him" And then we get hurt and are surprised!

[OneLov]

Regardless of who used who or whose actions are more egregious, the fact is that it has been almost an entire year. I think responding at this point would only do more harm than good. If you feel the need to respond, do so honestly--tell her what you've told us.

[jen1447]

fwiw, you can't tell someone "just get over it" or "just move on" or necessarily expect them to bc the inability to do so is far more complex than just mind over matter. (It's similar to telling depressed ppl to cheer up or stop being mopey - doesn't work that way.) She has triggers or deficiencies in her psyche that prevent her from being able to.

 

Bigger question in practical terms is whether it's really your problem or not. Plenty of ppl in the romance world don't think it is and have no trouble turning their backs on the ppl they leave behind. Personally I think that's deplorable - if you got her into it, you should help get her out of it - but there's no law telling you you can't just cut and run.

 

If you really want to help you could fund counseling for her or even attend counseling with her, assuming any potential counselors would think that's a good idea. And I don't mean "fix our issues so we can get back together" counseling, I mean a post-mortem type thing.

 

I've stayed available to a few exes who struggled w the breakup, but always w the strict reality of the romance being over and me going forward as a friend. You can't muddy those waters at all.

[Chica80]

Sunshinechica, simmer down now. Why is it that the man the one that is using the woman for sex.

 

Don't women use men for sex? Seems to me like they do. I am a bad person because a woman wants to have sex with me because she needs to get laid. And I should just turn them away because I don't want to be a predator?

 

I kind of think that is degrading to woman. Because what you are saying in a way is that, "Women are to stupid to want to have sex and not be in love". I just don't know if that is really how it is.

 

And so you know, I don't have guilt about having sex with them I have guilt because some of them got hurt. You know some of them did not get hurt. Some of them were happy to use me for sex and send me on my way. I am actually good with that.

 

Also, she new the truth. She new that I loved my wife. I am not sure what I was supposed to do in my situation. I told all of them the truth, and while I did not carry a sigh that said "This is about sex", I told them all what the deal was.

 

I guess women that want to have some decent sex without some deep abiding love are all just stupid. And all men that have sex with them are predators???

 

Is that how it works?

 

Nope not what I am saying at all. I believe some people can have sex without it meaning more. Some cant.

 

She's not a victim. You were honest with her. If you read my thread. I think both people benefit in some way or the other from an A.

 

I'm responding to what you wrote your words. You had sex with her because your wife wasn't having sex with you. You said it went on for 4-5 years that is not just some fling. She wasn't the only OW you had multiple.

 

You tell her you care about her. But it's really because you don't want to llok like the bad guy or hurt her. Sometimes being "the nice guy" and wanting to avoid hurting someone is more painful than being honest.

[BluesPower]

Yes I will own that one for sure. I let it go on with her way to long, I was wrong to do that. I was a selfish jerk for that one.

 

I will just take the heat or whatever from her until she moves on.

 

And I have cut contact with her in everyway possible.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Yes I will own that one for sure. I let it go on with her way to long, I was wrong to do that. I was a selfish jerk for that one.

 

I will just take the heat or whatever from her until she moves on.

 

And I have cut contact with her in everyway possible.

 

Were you direct that it was over and left no open door for the future? You did not leave the door open a crack in case it does not work out with your wife?

I know guys do that.

[BluesPower]

Yes Midnight...

 

I have told her and did tell her that since my wife got sober we had to stop and that is was done. And, also, 2 out of three women understood and got over it. This one is just having a hard time.

 

She knew the possibility existed from the get go.

 

But for sure, I was selfish. I mean I did like her a lot, more than most, and we just had some great times.

 

Looking back, knowing what I know now, I should have just ended it way sooner.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Yes Midnight...

 

I have told her and did tell her that since my wife got sober we had to stop and that is was done. And, also, 2 out of three women understood and got over it. This one is just having a hard time.

 

She knew the possibility existed from the get go.

 

But for sure, I was selfish. I mean I did like her a lot, more than most, and we just had some great times.

 

Looking back, knowing what I know now, I should have just ended it way sooner.

 

Then just ignore her. I hate to tell you that as I have been ignored. I'd say to tell her again that it is over but I am aware that contact opens it up all over again, plus I assume your wife believes you are now not talking to these women.

 

I personally ignored the last emails from xmm, but they were not love songs, just manipulative emails.

 

I actually just went over a client's business (she is one of the 3 women in our organization) and she had her email up and there was an email from xmm literally up on the screen. You just can't make this stuff up. My point is, you don't really know what this woman is thinking. For all you know she is emailing songs to 5 other guys to see who bites. It's so not worth it to risk your marriage. I am personally so glad I did not reply to his emails.

[ChickiePops]

Sunshinechica, simmer down now. Why is it that the man the one that is using the woman for sex.

 

Don't women use men for sex? Seems to me like they do. I am a bad person because a woman wants to have sex with me because she needs to get laid. And I should just turn them away because I don't want to be a predator?

 

I kind of think that is degrading to woman. Because what you are saying in a way is that, "Women are to stupid to want to have sex and not be in love". I just don't know if that is really how it is.

 

And so you know, I don't have guilt about having sex with them I have guilt because some of them got hurt. You know some of them did not get hurt. Some of them were happy to use me for sex and send me on my way. I am actually good with that.

 

Also, she new the truth. She new that I loved my wife. I am not sure what I was supposed to do in my situation. I told all of them the truth, and while I did not carry a sigh that said "This is about sex", I told them all what the deal was.

 

I guess women that want to have some decent sex without some deep abiding love are all just stupid. And all men that have sex with them are predators???

 

Is that how it works?

 

Married people who have sex with single people are predators. Gender has nothing to do with it..of course women do it too.

 

BUT

 

She got involved with a married man. She knew there was a good chance that this wouldn't turn out well for her..and especially if you were being as honest with her as you say you were. She signed up for this.

 

I dated a guy on and off for 5 years. He led me on, absolutely..but I also should have figured out much sooner that he would never change. After 5 years of push/pull nonsense..my broken heart was my own fault. And this wasn't even an affair..he was less honest with me than you were with the OW.

 

Yes, you were a jerk..but it's not your job to fix her at this point. Your affair is over.

 

The person whose feelings you need to concern yourself with are your wife's. How would she feel if she knew you were entertaining the idea of talking to someone you banged for 5 years while you were married to her?

[RecentChange]

Married people who have sex with single people are predators. Gender has nothing to do with it..of course women do it too.

 

But if a married person cheats with a married person then now they are NOT a predator?

 

So if I am married, meet a guy and say, hey, I am married, not leaving, this won't be a relationship, but are you down for some NSA? Or conversely a guy approaches me, and I give him the same story - NSA only, I am married not emotionally available.....

 

Then I am a predator?

[HeCantBreakMe]

She is hurting, regardless of what you said during the affair or didn't say she still had feelings for you - this is her reality. She is trying to heal and has taken a step back in her healing- nothing more nothing less. I am sure she is beating herself up - mad that she sent you that email.

 

Let it go, DO NOT email her back. Ignoring in this situation is the best thing you can do to help her. Emailing her back is the worst thing you can do.

 

I am glad you reached out on here to ask but I would also discuss this with your wife. Remember, it isn't your job to help her heal any further. She is not your wife, your g/f and she knew she was the OW the entire time. This is her journey now- just have compassion and understanding when she messes up and know she will be fine sooner or later as long as you stay silent too.

[ChickiePops]

But if a married person cheats with a married person then now they are NOT a predator?

 

So if I am married, meet a guy and say, hey, I am married, not leaving, this won't be a relationship, but are you down for some NSA? Or conversely a guy approaches me, and I give him the same story - NSA only, I am married not emotionally available.....

 

Then I am a predator?

 

They're both predators. And single people who get involved with married people are most definitely not victims so please don't think that's what I meant.

[sandylee1]

You used her! You loved your wife no one else and could not have sex with her. So found others to have sex with. Who cares that you didn't lie or future fake. Don't say all this crap about how you care about her you don't. As long as your needs were getting met you were fine and you told her the "truth" to assuage your own guilt.

 

 

.

 

Only those who allow themselves to get used can be used.

 

She knew the score from day 1. No lies or future faking. I do hate how the MM is always blamed by the OW here.

 

Every individual should take responsibility for their actions.

[BluesPower]

I answered this above for the most part.

 

She knows everything and still wants to make the marriage work. I had no problem letting my other women go for her.

 

Once she got sober and became the woman that I fell in love with, I was totally ok with saving the marriage. So far so good.

 

And I have not talked to OW in a while, I don't even know how long. For a few months I did try to talk her down but that was fruitless.

[amaysngrace]

Only those who allow themselves to get used can be used.

 

She knew the score from day 1. No lies or future faking. I do hate how the MM is always blamed by the OW here.

 

Every individual should take responsibility for their actions.

 

Right which is exactly what BluesPower did when he owned up to keeping it going longer than he probably should have.

 

A lot of people can't do NSA without getting Attached and they need to not go there.

 

Know thyself.

[ChickiePops]

Only those who allow themselves to get used can be used.

 

She knew the score from day 1. No lies or future faking. I do hate how the MM is always blamed by the OW here.

 

Every individual should take responsibility for their actions.

 

THIS!!! You made my point more eloquently than I did but this is what I was getting at.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Only those who allow themselves to get used can be used.

 

She knew the score from day 1. No lies or future faking. I do hate how the MM is always blamed by the OW here.

 

Every individual should take responsibility for their actions.

 

Blues is looking for help with his own situation. Let's not turn this into another round of affairs are bad and who is or who is not a victim.

[ChickiePops]

I answered this above for the most part.

 

She knows everything and still wants to make the marriage work. I had no problem letting my other women go for her.

 

Once she got sober and became the woman that I fell in love with, I was totally ok with saving the marriage. So far so good.

 

And I have not talked to OW in a while, I don't even know how long. For a few months I did try to talk her down but that was fruitless.

 

My apologies, I missed that. Sounds like you're doing the right thing.

[Poppy47]

REspectgully Blues,

 

YOU don't get to tell her when to move on. Everybody moves on at their own pace. It's her moving on, not you. If she is irritating you, tell her kindly to let you alone.

 

Cheers,

Poppy.

[Chica80]

REspectgully Blues,

 

YOU don't get to tell her when to move on. Everybody moves on at their own pace. It's her moving on, not you. If she is irritating you, tell her kindly to let you alone.

 

Cheers,

Poppy.

 

 

Yes!! I agree.

You may have been honest but I guarantee you weren't just calling her up for sex. And ignoring her the rest of the time in 4 years.

 

You didn't end it because she was getting more attached to you and wanted more? Right you ended it because you no longer needed her your needs were now being met.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong.

[aileD]

Don't reply.

 

Don't engage.

 

Don't feel symapthy for her.

 

Next time you get an email, delete it without opening it.

 

If you see her, ignore her

 

Block her. If needed ask your work to change your email address.

 

Any contact--ANY-- gets her the "fix". You need to act like you don't exist anymore.

 

You know when our siblings teased and bullied us, our moms used to always tell us "just ignore them and they'll lose interest and stop"

 

Same is true here.

 

Don't attempt to help her. Do. Not.

 

 

In regards to people's comments about you using her. There is nothing wrong with two consenting adults engaging in sexual activity with no expectations of a relationship. While it's disgusting of you to do to your wife, as far as the other woman is concerned, she entered willingly into the situation full well knowing the expectations and limitations. Any heartbreak on her end is her problem to deal with. Your allegiance is to your wife, as it already was stated to OW

 

Is it decent? No, but you put it out there that all she was good for was meeting certain needs. She knew this and chose to get involved.

 

Don't get all "I care about and want to help her" now. That will just confuse her and make her feel like maybe she was more to you than she was

[Midwestmissy]

Did she seem a bit messed when you were sleeping with her? It just seems so pathetic and sad. And how can she not know that this is not attractive behavior at all? How old is she?

[BluesPower]

I think you are wrong, maybe???

 

We had a good time together, not just sex. She is a great girl. But she knew that a future was not going to happen.

 

I am not sure if I would actually get into a real relationship even if I was divorced.

 

And I understand that I cannot tell her when to move on, I get that.

 

And I did not end it because we did like spending time together. I realize that it was selfish, not to end it sooner than I did.