Single for the rest of my life or settling for someone I'm not attracted to?

[NJ123]

You're already bitter. Every. Single. Miserable. Day.

 

 

 

You're only not good enough because you keep telling yourself that. It's not because of your job.

 

 

 

There's nothing wrong with a woman who wants to feel financially safe. There's nothing wrong with a man who wants to feel financially safe. Saves them from having a lot of stress and anxiety about having to pay for food, bills, etc. Wouldn't you want to be able to pay for things without fearing that you'll have no money to starve?

 

 

 

No, you wouldn't rather go out and do things. You'd rather stay at home and be bitter about who you are and your current life situation. You're too short, you're too inexperienced, you're not enough, you don't have the ideal job, and it goes on and on and on. Instead of GOING OUT and doing something about it, you sit at home, scroll through profiles online, and find ways to be mad at women and at yourself. For over a month or so now, we've suggested that you GO OUTSIDE and get some supplement at a health food store. As of last night, you hadn't. We've advised you to GO OUTSIDE and meet women through organic avenues, and you haven't. I understand that you're introverted, and that's okay. There are groups specifically intended for introverted individuals.

 

You want to be bitter. I'm sure you don't think that, but you show it. All the time. You want to stay the way you've been feeling. It's comfortable. You're used to it. You've trained your body to feel all this stress, anxiety, and pain. Your thoughts have become habits. Everything is about you, you, and you. I agree with Buddhist and some of the others who have said you don't behave like you're 30. To be honest, if I hadn't known your age, I also would've thought you were much younger.

 

I'm a 32 year old single woman, and I don't care about your current job, your lack of dating experience, your living situation, or your height. Your attitude is among the poopiest I've seen in my life, of anyone. Your attitude--the way you treat yourself and others, and your views about life--is the biggest thing for me. And I've been around terminally/chronically ill people who have been bedridden, wheelchair-bound, and quadriplegic. People who could no longer speak. People who could no longer recognize themselves or their loved ones. People who could no longer swallow. People who could no longer see. While some of them did have poopy attitudes, and understandably so, many of them who could express themselves truly cherished what capacities they did have, and were deeply humbled about their life experiences, and were focused on what's really important in life, such as being as good to themselves as they could, and to others--because they knew what hardships felt like, and they had endured them. They didn't compare their hardships with others. They recognized a shared connection in others as a result of their experiences.

 

Go out and do things FOR YOU. Go out and travel FOR YOU. You don't need to wait for some woman to come and long and live life.

 

Right now, you're miserable. If you were to get into a relationship any time soon, it'd also be with someone miserable, or with someone who thinks they can serve you.

 

You take so much for granted. You continually focus on comparing yourself and your situation to others (never had a good idea) and you focus on what you don't have that you think you should in order to be successful.

 

Have you actually looked at your responses? They are very predictable.

"Yeah, but..."

"True. It's just that..."

"True. I just don't think/can't..."

"I guess I should force myself to..."

"I might..."

"Yeah, I guess ____ , but..."

 

No buts, mights, ifs, can'ts or dont's. Just go out and do it. You've decided to be miserable.

 

But starting today, you can decide that you're going to pull yourself up. And then take actions to reflect your new decision that is in support of your body, mind, spirit, and soul.

 

Good points. Unfortunately I have to work pretty much all day for the next 3 days so I won't have time to do anything until Monday. But I'll definitely go out & get the supplements on my next day off.

 

I guess I'd just need to take it by an individual basis in terms of the woman & not get so far ahead in terms of worrying what her values are or anything before I even really know her.

 

And where exactly am I meeting women outside though? I've looked into meetup.com & there was nothing really near my area for meetups. But you're right I can't make excuses anymore or else I'm going to be stuck in the same exact position a year from now if I don't make some changes.

[Fishfingersareyummy]

NJ, you need to listen to sooshi, she's bang on the money. Her post is the best post I have read on this forum. You don't realize how fortunate you are to have such great advice being offered to you. I had none of this when I was going through what you are going through now.

 

Use the great advice from people like sooshi and use that as a spring board to start making the changes you want to happen. The great thing is that you'll have the support network of this forum to rely on as you go forward with this new and exciting chapter in your life.

[NuevoYorko]

But if I said I did something else, those same women would have still been talking to me afterwards most likely. I guess I just hate the feeling like a woman would be with me for my job first & foremost before anything else.

Many of those women have some passion about their own careers. A man who did the same would be compatible with them. It's not that they want you "for your job," for heaven's sake.

 

Others have said this before - a woman your age, who hasn't lived away from her parents' home, gone to college, or launched any kind of career, is your best bet. I know she's probably not easy to find through OLD, it seems that more worldly types are on those sites. Maybe through church or family friends, or even a matchmaker? Women who care about career, want families, or have had relationships before are clearly not a good fit for you.

[Fishfingersareyummy]

Many of those women have some passion about their own careers. A man who did the same would be compatible with them. It's not that they want you "for your job," for heaven's sake.

 

Others have said this before - a woman your age, who hasn't lived away from her parents' home, gone to college, or launched any kind of career, is your best bet. I know she's probably not easy to find through OLD, it seems that more worldly types are on those sites. Maybe through church or family friends, or even a matchmaker? Women who care about career, want families, or have had relationships before are clearly not a good fit for you.

 

Can we not make assumptions about religious people. I'm religious and I am career minded, I am studying a degree and I am seeking to move out of my Mother's. I find generalizations like yours insulting and below the belt.

[NuevoYorko]

Can we not make assumptions about religious people. I'm religious and I am career minded, I am studying a degree and I am seeking to move out of my Mother's. I find generalizations like yours insulting and below the belt.

I'm sorry. I am not generalizing about religious people at all. I don't think that religious people (or family friends, or people who use matchmaking services) are any less likely to be career oriented than anyone else.

 

I do think that the chances of finding a woman who shares his values are greater through those avenues than online dating, in large part because his family friends and congregation members are likely to understand where he AND potential dates for him would be coming from. They will know him. They won't try to set him up with anyone who has a career, wants a family or a provider type, has relationship experience, etc. because they know it won't be a go for him.

[sooshi]

NJ, you can attend events. Festivals. Outdoor concerts. I'm sure there's plenty of free/low-cost ones in your area. I suggest you attend them with the intention of getting out, getting exericse, and simply doing something good for yourself. Something to lift up your confidence, to show you that even though your mind has been telling you that you can't do this or can't do that, that yes, you can!Healthy interactions are a bonus. You might meet a new friend. A new acquaintance. Maybe someone who will help you get another job, etc.

 

You can also do some volunteering. That's a great way to meet people.

 

Unfortunately I have to work pretty much all day for the next 3 days so I won't have time to do anything until Monday.

I really don't think you work 24 hours a day. I'm not asking you to go get some supplements right after your shift, but there are other things you can do, like:

- affirmations (you can even share with us if you want)

- write a list of what you're grateful for

- go for a walk

- call a friend

- share with someone/write about something positive that happened in your day, whether it be an encounter with someone/seeing someone doing an act of kindness/or something uplifting you realized about yourself

- treat yourself to a nice meal

- etc.

 

As for your concerns about dating. We are all unique. Our DNA tells us so. Our fingerprints tell us so. Even identical twins aren't the same. Children growing up in the same household and going to the same schools for the same number of years don't exactly end up thinking and doing the exact same things. We've all had varying life experiences, and we can't be expected to carry the exact same beliefs, attitudes, and values, nor can we be expected to maintain the exact same beliefs, attitudes, and values all throughout our lives. We are ever-changing beings.

 

I've dated one guy. I never ever thought I'd date someone with a history of alcohol, smoking, drugs, and jail-time, and who had been with plenty of women, but it happened. To be honest, I did judge him at first for his past, but that judgment dissolved over time. He's great guy who had poor coping mechanisms in the past and made some poor choices that he was genuinely remorseful for. I don't think it's fair to judge someone for what they did in the past when they were doing their best with the tools, resources, and knowledge they had at the time, and when we don't exactly know about their thinking at the time. You have to get to know someone, as they are NOW, not as who they were in the past.

 

You have been miserable lately, and your actions are a reflection of this. But, through taking action, you might feel a little better today. And maybe a little better tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that. You build some momentum, and you find that being good to yourself comes a little easier than it used to. And then it becomes even easier. It takes work and effort, but it's work and effort that is both worthwhile and will change you and your life for the better.

[Fishfingersareyummy]

I've dated one guy. I never ever thought I'd date someone with a history of alcohol, smoking, drugs, and jail-time, and who had been with plenty of women, but it happened. To be honest, I did judge him at first for his past, but that judgment dissolved over time. He's great guy who had poor coping mechanisms in the past and made some poor choices that he was genuinely remorseful for. I don't think it's fair to judge someone for what they did in the past when they were doing their best with the tools, resources, and knowledge they had at the time, and when we don't exactly know about their thinking at the time. You have to get to know someone, as they are NOW, not as who they were in the past.

.

 

With respect, I disagree. A person's past is often an accurate reflection of their character and a person is wise to take a person's past into their thoughts when deciding if someone is compatible with them or not.

[Fishfingersareyummy]

. They won't try to set him up with anyone who has a career, wants a family or a provider type, has relationship experience, etc. because they know it won't be a go for him.

 

You cannot say this with any degree of certainty.

[sooshi]

With respect, I disagree. A person's past is often an accurate reflection of their character and a person is wise to take a person's past into their thoughts when deciding if someone is compatible with them or not.

 

I don't disagree with you. It's important to learn about someone's past. It's also important to see what has changed in their lives over time, if anything. You'll see any changes through the person's actions, and they'll be consistent actions.

 

While people change over time, some stay pretty much the same. We need to hone our capacity to discern what is right for us and what isn't, and what feels right for us and what doesn't, and to make choices in our best interest that reflect our discernment.

[Fishfingersareyummy]

I don't disagree with you. It's important to learn about someone's past. It's also important to see what has changed in their lives over time, if anything. You'll see any changes through the person's actions, and they'll be consistent actions.

 

While people change over time, some stay pretty much the same. We need to hone our capacity to discern what is right for us and what isn't, and what feels right for us and what doesn't, and to make choices in our best interest that reflect our discernment.

 

True but the OP needs to decide if certain parts of a woman's past equates to incompatibility or not.

 

For me a woman who has been promiscuous is incompatible with me, not because I judge her negatively for her past, I believe passionately in freedom of the individual but because she is a liberal and I am a conservative, I am religious and believe passionately in my convictions and I want a woman who shares the same values I do because it's important to me. I recently faced this scenario with a great woman and made my decision not to pursue things with her.

[NJ123]

True but the OP needs to decide if certain parts of a woman's past equates to incompatibility or not.

 

For me a woman who has been promiscuous is incompatible with me, not because I judge her negatively for her past, I believe passionately in freedom of the individual but because she is a liberal and I am a conservative, I am religious and believe passionately in my convictions and I want a woman who shares the same values I do because it's important to me. I recently faced this scenario with a great woman and made my decision not to pursue things with her.

 

How did you exactly find out about her being promiscuous? Did you ask her specific things, or did you just have an idea that she was?

[Fishfingersareyummy]

How did you exactly find out about her being promiscuous? Did you ask her specific things, or did you just have an idea that she was?

 

I found out through one of her close friends who I am an acquaintance with. She wasn't promiscuous in the sense that she went out, found a random man and had sex. She's racked up numerous partners because she hops from one relationship into another. She seems to be unable to be single, she must have a boyfriend and she seems to fall for men easily. She reportedly talks about marriage and children at the very beginning of relationship and when I heard all of this I backed off and lost interest. She's a nice person, I think she'll make a great girlfriend but she's not compatible with me.

Edited October 21, 2016 by Fishfingersareyummy

[NJ123]

NJ, you can attend events. Festivals. Outdoor concerts. I'm sure there's plenty of free/low-cost ones in your area. I suggest you attend them with the intention of getting out, getting exericse, and simply doing something good for yourself. Something to lift up your confidence, to show you that even though your mind has been telling you that you can't do this or can't do that, that yes, you can!Healthy interactions are a bonus. You might meet a new friend. A new acquaintance. Maybe someone who will help you get another job, etc.

 

You can also do some volunteering. That's a great way to meet people.

 

 

I really don't think you work 24 hours a day. I'm not asking you to go get some supplements right after your shift, but there are other things you can do, like:

- affirmations (you can even share with us if you want)

- write a list of what you're grateful for

- go for a walk

- call a friend

- share with someone/write about something positive that happened in your day, whether it be an encounter with someone/seeing someone doing an act of kindness/or something uplifting you realized about yourself

- treat yourself to a nice meal

- etc.

 

As for your concerns about dating. We are all unique. Our DNA tells us so. Our fingerprints tell us so. Even identical twins aren't the same. Children growing up in the same household and going to the same schools for the same number of years don't exactly end up thinking and doing the exact same things. We've all had varying life experiences, and we can't be expected to carry the exact same beliefs, attitudes, and values, nor can we be expected to maintain the exact same beliefs, attitudes, and values all throughout our lives. We are ever-changing beings.

 

I've dated one guy. I never ever thought I'd date someone with a history of alcohol, smoking, drugs, and jail-time, and who had been with plenty of women, but it happened. To be honest, I did judge him at first for his past, but that judgment dissolved over time. He's great guy who had poor coping mechanisms in the past and made some poor choices that he was genuinely remorseful for. I don't think it's fair to judge someone for what they did in the past when they were doing their best with the tools, resources, and knowledge they had at the time, and when we don't exactly know about their thinking at the time. You have to get to know someone, as they are NOW, not as who they were in the past.

 

You have been miserable lately, and your actions are a reflection of this. But, through taking action, you might feel a little better today. And maybe a little better tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that. You build some momentum, and you find that being good to yourself comes a little easier than it used to. And then it becomes even easier. It takes work and effort, but it's work and effort that is both worthwhile and will change you and your life for the better.

 

True, a lot of things to consider. Starting today I'm going to try to do something a little different each day. Even if it's something really minor. I just need to make changes or else I'm going to be stuck in the same position. I'm at work right now & in a pretty decent mood at the moment somehow & every woman has been extremely friendly that I had to interact with today. So I guess having a positive mood can influence things a lot. It's just sometimes I crash down into a low mood really bad randomly at times & feel horrible. I just wish I could go on antidepressants without feeling so weird on them. But, usually people are nice, but I've noticed today it's like they've all been extra nice. Not sure if it's just happened to all be really friendly people or what.

[NuevoYorko]

You cannot say this with any degree of certainty.

I'm not certain. I just think it's a good place to start.

[sooshi]

Starting today I'm going to try to do something a little different each day. Even if it's something really minor. I just need to make changes or else I'm going to be stuck in the same position.

 

Your attitude is turning around already. I'm really proud of you. Might I suggest that you eliminate the "try" part and actually DO something a little different every day. You're right: you do need to make changes, or you're going to stay stuck.

 

I'm at work right now & in a pretty decent mood at the moment somehow & every woman has been extremely friendly that I had to interact with today. So I guess having a positive mood can influence things a lot.

A positive mood can absolutely influence things a lot. As can a negative one. This is why our self-talk is so important.

 

It's just sometimes I crash down into a low mood really bad randomly at times & feel horrible.

See how easy it is to shift into something we're so hard-wired to think? You went from talking about being in a positive right to how you're used to feeling. We all feel down sometimes; you're not alone in that. Many of us joined this forum from crashing into a low mood really bad and feeling horrible. I am one of them.

 

I just wish I could go on antidepressants without feeling so weird on them.

Anti-depressants can have rather awful side effects. Look into GABA at the health food store. It's a neurotransmitter (brain chemical) that our brain naturally makes, but sometimes our brain doesn't produce enough, and we become over-anxious, and we overthink, etc. NOW makes one that comes with B6 for a synergistic effect. GABA helps to calm an overactive mind. If you want one that's chewable, you'll probably find a few at the store too. Fruity and chewable.

 

But, usually people are nice, but I've noticed today it's like they've all been extra nice. Not sure if it's just happened to all be really friendly people or what.

Maybe you've attracted the friendliness through a gentle shift in your attitude today. Maybe you took the time to notice something good in your day. It doesn't matter--you're right: people usually are friendly, and that's important to keep in mind. Maybe you unknowingly decided that you're going to notice those who are being good to you and disregarding the rest. Whatever it is, it's a good thing that you've observed this and acknowledged.

 

Baby steps, NJ. You're doing great. You've made a decision to (try to) do something different every day. You've pointed out something good about your day. You've pointed out that most people are friendly. You've noticed that a positive mood can do wonders. Those are all huge deals, NJ!

Edited October 22, 2016 by sooshi

[Sunkissedpatio]

True, a lot of things to consider. Starting today I'm going to try to do something a little different each day. Even if it's something really minor. I just need to make changes or else I'm going to be stuck in the same position. I'm at work right now & in a pretty decent mood at the moment somehow & every woman has been extremely friendly that I had to interact with today. So I guess having a positive mood can influence things a lot. It's just sometimes I crash down into a low mood really bad randomly at times & feel horrible. I just wish I could go on antidepressants without feeling so weird on them. But, usually people are nice, but I've noticed today it's like they've all been extra nice. Not sure if it's just happened to all be really friendly people or what.

 

Best post yet! That's the attitude NJ!

[NJ123]

Your attitude is turning around already. I'm really proud of you. Might I suggest that you eliminate the "try" part and actually DO something a little different every day. You're right: you do need to make changes, or you're going to stay stuck.

 

 

A positive mood can absolutely influence things a lot. As can a negative one. This is why our self-talk is so important.

 

 

See how easy it is to shift into something we're so hard-wired to think? You went from talking about being in a positive right to how you're used to feeling. We all feel down sometimes; you're not alone in that. Many of us joined this forum from crashing into a low mood really bad and feeling horrible. I am one of them.

 

 

Anti-depressants can have rather awful side effects. Look into GABA at the health food store. It's a neurotransmitter (brain chemical) that our brain naturally makes, but sometimes our brain doesn't produce enough, and we become over-anxious, and we overthink, etc. NOW makes one that comes with B6 for a synergistic effect. GABA helps to calm an overactive mind. If you want one that's chewable, you'll probably find a few at the store too. Fruity and chewable.

 

 

Maybe you've attracted the friendliness through a gentle shift in your attitude today. Maybe you took the time to notice something good in your day. It doesn't matter--you're right: people usually are friendly, and that's important to keep in mind. Maybe you unknowingly decided that you're going to notice those who are being good to you and disregarding the rest. Whatever it is, it's a good thing that you've observed this and acknowledged.

 

Baby steps, NJ. You're doing great. You've made a decision to (try to) do something different every day. You've pointed out something good about your day. You've pointed out that most people are friendly. You've noticed that a positive mood can do wonders. Those are all huge deals, NJ!

 

Yeah, I mean I come across many friendly people every time I'm work. But today it felt like it was one after the other being really nice. I just wish I could function like them & feel positive all the time instead of crashing into low moods. I feel like I probably need to be on meds for it, but the problem is as I said this physical issue of whatever it is is affecting me from taking anything due to this burning feeling. It's like instead of feeling an anxiety feeling a lot of the time, I get this burning feeling in my body instead. I don't know how else to explain it.

 

I think I have to best honest with myself here though. I don't think I'm well enough to even have a relationship right now. It really sucks, but I just sometimes feel like I don't function well enough to be with anyone. I feel maybe I need to just try to focus on myself no matter how long that takes before I can be with anyone. The thing that sucks is that I have no idea how long it will take.

 

And I unfortunately crashed down really bad near the end of my shift. I feel my low moods just come out of nowhere like there's some imbalance in my brain that I can't control. It's like I can be feeling decent than the depression just hits me hard out of nowhere.

[sooshi]

Yeah, I mean I come across many friendly people every time I'm work. But today it felt like it was one after the other being really nice. I just wish I could function like them & feel positive all the time instead of crashing into low moods.

 

I highly doubt there is a single person in this world who feels positive all the time. I wouldn't even WANT to feel positive all the time! There isn't much possibility of growth or lessons to learn when you do, and I'm no saint or monk. The customers you spend a few minutes of their life with were friendly for those few minutes, but it's really unrealistic and naive to think they're like that AAAALLLLLLL the time. You only spent a few minutes of their entire lives with them. Do you think they never feel sad, frustrated, angry, down, depressed? Like Blanco said earlier, everyone is going through something. Everyone. People can appear friendly/happy/etc. and be suffering inside. I have my own struggles, for example, but I can also take time out of my day to interact with you with kindness and compassion (when I'm not feeling thoroughly frustrated with you ).

 

I feel like I probably need to be on meds for it, but the problem is as I said this physical issue of whatever it is is affecting me from taking anything due to this burning feeling. It's like instead of feeling an anxiety feeling a lot of the time, I get this burning feeling in my body instead. I don't know how else to explain it.

Yes, we know about the burning feeling. I've recommended a few things you can try for the anxiety, and for what appears to be nerve pain, that should have no adverse effects. It's your choice whether or not to pursue them. It looks like you won't, so I don't feel like listing my recommendations all over again.

 

I don't think I'm well enough to even have a relationship right now.

That's accurate.

 

I just sometimes feel like I don't function well enough to be with anyone.

Listen, many people have health issues and don't feel like they function well enough, but are still with someone. It'll serve you really well to take steps to get your life together before being with someone. That goes for everyone, but not everyone takes the time to do that. Your partner will feel so glad that you did! Not only that, but you're more likely to attract a healthy partner and a healthy relationship for all of the work and effort you'll have put into yourself. Win-win situation!

 

I feel maybe I need to just try to focus on myself no matter how long that takes before I can be with anyone. The thing that sucks is that I have no idea how long it will take.

Yes, absolutely focus on yourself. You've been focusing on dating, trying to find a girlfriend, and it's been causing you so much bitterness, anger, stress, frustration, anxiety, etc. Time to focus on yourself. It's a GOOD thing! And like I said, your future partner will be so grateful that you did!

 

Take as much time as you need, and don't worry about the time. Having your life together is far more conducive to having a healthy relationship with yourself and with another person than being miserable, not taking care of/focusing on your well-being, and trying to get into a relationship. That would only work if you found someone who wanted to "save" you from your misery, but that won't end well, either.

 

And I unfortunately crashed down really bad near the end of my shift. I feel my low moods just come out of nowhere like there's some imbalance in my brain that I can't control. It's like I can be feeling decent than the depression just hits me hard out of nowhere.

 

You've trained your body to be depressed. Your body is used to pain and suffering. Feeling good for you is strange, foreign, and uncomfortable. Your body thinks, "Whoa!! What is THIS!? Is this an enemy or a friend? I'm not sure yet... but it feels scary to feel this way, and I'm not sure if this is good for me, so I'm going to go back to how I usually feel. Attack! Boom, boom, boom! HA! There you go, foreign thoughts/feelings! I shall now return to the my comfortable dungeon of doom, thank you very much."

 

Focus on the good. When you return to your thought patterns of "there's some imbalance in my brain that I can't control" and that "depression just hits me out of nowhere," tell yourself that YOU are in control. When you put down the victim card, which you do a whole lot, you also flip over the creator card. You create your reality. You create the victim mentality. To say that you don't have control is to give up responsibility for your reality, and that makes it easy to blame your life on other people, circumstances, etc.

 

You need to take control. Tell yourself, "I am in control. I am responsible for what I think. When I feel down, I accept those feelings lovingly and accept that they are there because they have visited me so much and are used to being with me. But these feelings do not serve me by coming and going all the time, and I wish them well and now decide to bring in new thoughts and feelings, and I feed them breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks, and water. Yum! ... Oh, hello there, Kindness! Hello there, Compassion! Hello, there Smiley! Hi, Empathy! It's good to have you here!"

 

Use your imagination. Use your self-talk. Put the victim card back in the deck, and put down the creator card.

Edited October 22, 2016 by sooshi

[Inflikted]

I'm in the same boat with "Never get romantically/ sexually involved with anyone ever, or get with someone I'm not really that into" being my only options, as far as "dating" goes.

 

Although, truth be told, I'm such an unappealing, worthless person that no girl ever will be interested in me, regardless of how I feel about them, so I guess I don't really have much say in the matter.

 

It kinda sucks, because I always hoped I'd have a "normal" dating life, and that I'd eventually end up with someone I'd be happy with, but now as an adult, I recognize that I'm simply not someone that anyone would ever really want to get involved with, and that dating and sex and romance and intimacy are just things I'll never get to experience.

 

But, at the same time, I've spent the last several years going through the gambit of emotions about them, from sadness to anger to frustration to bitterness to apathy, and everything in between. Now I'm a couple years from turning 30, and I've just kind of accepted the fact that that ship has long since sailed, for me.

[NJ123]

I highly doubt there is a single person in this world who feels positive all the time. I wouldn't even WANT to feel positive all the time! There isn't much possibility of growth or lessons to learn when you do, and I'm no saint or monk. The customers you spend a few minutes of their life with were friendly for those few minutes, but it's really unrealistic and naive to think they're like that AAAALLLLLLL the time. You only spent a few minutes of their entire lives with them. Do you think they never feel sad, frustrated, angry, down, depressed? Like Blanco said earlier, everyone is going through something. Everyone. People can appear friendly/happy/etc. and be suffering inside. I have my own struggles, for example, but I can also take time out of my day to interact with you with kindness and compassion (when I'm not feeling thoroughly frustrated with you ).

 

 

Yes, we know about the burning feeling. I've recommended a few things you can try for the anxiety, and for what appears to be nerve pain, that should have no adverse effects. It's your choice whether or not to pursue them. It looks like you won't, so I don't feel like listing my recommendations all over again.

 

 

That's accurate.

 

 

Listen, many people have health issues and don't feel like they function well enough, but are still with someone. It'll serve you really well to take steps to get your life together before being with someone. That goes for everyone, but not everyone takes the time to do that. Your partner will feel so glad that you did! Not only that, but you're more likely to attract a healthy partner and a healthy relationship for all of the work and effort you'll have put into yourself. Win-win situation!

 

 

Yes, absolutely focus on yourself. You've been focusing on dating, trying to find a girlfriend, and it's been causing you so much bitterness, anger, stress, frustration, anxiety, etc. Time to focus on yourself. It's a GOOD thing! And like I said, your future partner will be so grateful that you did!

 

Take as much time as you need, and don't worry about the time. Having your life together is far more conducive to having a healthy relationship with yourself and with another person than being miserable, not taking care of/focusing on your well-being, and trying to get into a relationship. That would only work if you found someone who wanted to "save" you from your misery, but that won't end well, either.

 

 

 

You've trained your body to be depressed. Your body is used to pain and suffering. Feeling good for you is strange, foreign, and uncomfortable. Your body thinks, "Whoa!! What is THIS!? Is this an enemy or a friend? I'm not sure yet... but it feels scary to feel this way, and I'm not sure if this is good for me, so I'm going to go back to how I usually feel. Attack! Boom, boom, boom! HA! There you go, foreign thoughts/feelings! I shall now return to the my comfortable dungeon of doom, thank you very much."

 

Focus on the good. When you return to your thought patterns of "there's some imbalance in my brain that I can't control" and that "depression just hits me out of nowhere," tell yourself that YOU are in control. When you put down the victim card, which you do a whole lot, you also flip over the creator card. You create your reality. You create the victim mentality. To say that you don't have control is to give up responsibility for your reality, and that makes it easy to blame your life on other people, circumstances, etc.

 

You need to take control. Tell yourself, "I am in control. I am responsible for what I think. When I feel down, I accept those feelings lovingly and accept that they are there because they have visited me so much and are used to being with me. But these feelings do not serve me by coming and going all the time, and I wish them well and now decide to bring in new thoughts and feelings, and I feed them breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks, and water. Yum! ... Oh, hello there, Kindness! Hello there, Compassion! Hello, there Smiley! Hi, Empathy! It's good to have you here!"

 

Use your imagination. Use your self-talk. Put the victim card back in the deck, and put down the creator card.

 

I am going to get the supplements this coming week. I'm just hoping they help me out in some way.

 

And my anxiety/low moods can get really bad. There's times I just want to leave my job due to how I feel. It's like if I get better from this burning issue than I'm likely going to have that severe anxiety/depression/intrusive thoughts problem hitting me really bad. It's very difficult to explain & it probably doesn't make much sense. I just want to feel completely normal again so bad instead of all these problems. I feel I still have a chance since I'm not real old yet but if a lot more time goes by with the same issues, then I'll be in big trouble.

 

I think if the mind is chemically imbalanced in some way unfortunately all the positive type of thinking won't help. I likely have some form of clinical depression I assume. I just don't think I could be with anyone in that state. I don't want someone to take care of me or something if I'm not well enough. I want to be as healthy as possible & I think that's a big part of why I wish I was with someone at the same time since it's something I know deep down I probably can't have. I need to admit to myself I'm not well enough to be with anyone.

 

Another thing I'm going to change is not going on a lot of different threads on this site. I feel even though everyone on here are complete strangers I feel like I get triggered by some of the things stated on here. I'm going to maybe just focus on my own threads for the most part & stay away from the real negative life threads like cheating/ infidelity & topics like that. It does me no good reading negative things as well as reading about how women want tall guys & whatever other nonsense I absolutely don't want to think about anymore. I have to try to at least keep my mind occupied with more positive things instead of reading depressive stuff or things that I know will just bother me if I read about it.

[sooshi]

I am going to get the supplements this coming week. I'm just hoping they help me out in some way.

 

Nobody is happier that you're going those supplements than your body. Your body is excited. Your body will be even more excited while you're on the way to the store. And excited when you finally have the supplements in your hands, and in your shopping cart/basket. And when you've finally bought them. And especially when you've nourished the body with these nutrients. Your body will be so grateful, so thankful that you've taken the time to feed it, to tell it that it's cared for and appreciated.

 

Do something every day to show your body that you appreciate it. I speak to my liver and tell it how much I love it. I talk to my adrenals and tell them how much I appreciate them, etc. I drink a lot of water every day. I focus on eating whole foods (ie. not processed). etc. Do something loving for your body every day. Let it know it's loved, being cared for, and that you're sorry you haven't been taking good care of it, but that you're changing that.

 

And my anxiety/low moods can get really bad. There's times I just want to leave my job due to how I feel. It's like if I get better from this burning issue than I'm likely going to have that severe anxiety/depression/intrusive thoughts problem hitting me really bad. It's very difficult to explain & it probably doesn't make much sense. I just want to feel completely normal again so bad instead of all these problems. I feel I still have a chance since I'm not real old yet but if a lot more time goes by with the same issues, then I'll be in big trouble.

 

I used to suffer from clinical depression. I had periods of my life where I had very strong suicidal tendencies and desires. I don't imagine that I will ever experience anything that serious again. I've also experienced severe social anxiety most of my life. I've come a long way--and that's because I've put in (and continue to put in!) a lot of work and effort into my life. I never took antidepressants. But I did take up volunteering. I volunteered in nursing homes and in hospice care. It turns out I rather loved it, it did wonderful things for me, and I want to be a part of that field in the future. Nowadays, if I feel myself becoming rather anxious, I might take some magnesium or holy basil if I'm at home. No matter where I am, I will tap on certain parts of my body (look into Emotional Freedom Technique aka EFT) and say various affirmations. I even do it while I'm walking somewhere. I might take deep breaths. Whatever seems to resonate with me at the time.

 

What you say makes sense. I strongly encourage you to try out GABA from the health food store to calm your mind. It regulates your mood and helps decrease anxiety.

 

As for the intrusive thoughts, as I mentioned before, if your current therapy isn't working for you, then seek another therapist. Look into mindfulness-based therapy. Get into journaling. Listen to meditative music upon awakening/before going to bed, and/or even when you're on LS (or whenever)!

 

I think if the mind is chemically imbalanced in some way unfortunately all the positive type of thinking won't help. I likely have some form of clinical depression I assume. I just don't think I could be with anyone in that state. I don't want someone to take care of me or something if I'm not well enough. I want to be as healthy as possible & I think that's a big part of why I wish I was with someone at the same time since it's something I know deep down I probably can't have. I need to admit to myself I'm not well enough to be with anyone.

I understand what you're saying about chemical imbalances, but we do not know if that is the case in your situation, and when someone is depressed, I don't automatically think "chemical imbalance." It is probably not the case in most cases, actually, though that's just my guess. Antidepressants are made only to balance some chemicals in the brain, I imagine it's not even among the most common causes of depression, not at its core, anyway. A lot of the time, it's lack of serotonin in our GUT, where about 95% of our body's serotonin is actually made. Heal your gut, heal your depression. Heal your gut, heal your anxiety. (Potentially). This is why I suggested taking probiotics long ago. To replenish your gut environment with healthy bacteria. There have been many cases where taking probiotics--at the right amount, which is sometimes very high dosages--reversed illnesses all together, and have also shown to relieve very severe cases of depression/violent behaviours/anxiety/etc. Probiotics are awesome! <3

 

Another thing I'm going to change is not going on a lot of different threads on this site. I feel even though everyone on here are complete strangers I feel like I get triggered by some of the things stated on here. I'm going to maybe just focus on my own threads for the most part & stay away from the real negative life threads like cheating/ infidelity & topics like that. It does me no good reading negative things as well as reading about how women want tall guys & whatever other nonsense I absolutely don't want to think about anymore. I have to try to at least keep my mind occupied with more positive things instead of reading depressive stuff or things that I know will just bother me if I read about it.

I think it's a good idea for you to stay away from threads about cheating/infidelity for now. I can understand about triggers--I get them too, and I'm sure it's not uncommon. What I do encourage you to do is to pick a poster or two that you respect/want to emulate, and read their posts. My first suggestion for you would be Blanco. He's a guy around your age (I think maybe 31?), and he is very insightful, and I think he'd be a good role model for you, and I've been happy for you that he has posted a lot in your threads. But For me, reading Zahara's posts (especially) has helped me grow a lot in learning about what healthy boundaries look like, and how to be more assertive. I feel better about myself, and more confident as a result.

 

I'd also encourage you to look at the Breakups section, as you'll see a lot of responses that help people see more clearly when they're clouded with emotion. But if that's too difficult right now, then stick with reading back someone's posts. Read a few every day. Let them be a part of your "doing something positive/awesome for myself today" routine.

 

I can see that you're stuck on the height thing. Honestly, NJ, when the right person comes for you--and I truly believe it will happen!!--that woman will hear about how you'd been so worried about your height in the past, and she'll be so surprised because you'll have put so much effort into being a healthier, happier person, that she'll have an entire list of things she adores about you--all of which are way more significant to her than your height (which she probably never even thought about until you mentioned it!), because you'll have so much good in you that she'll have noticed.

Edited October 22, 2016 by sooshi

[NJ123]

Nobody is happier that you're going those supplements than your body. Your body is excited. Your body will be even more excited while you're on the way to the store. And excited when you finally have the supplements in your hands, and in your shopping cart/basket. And when you've finally bought them. And especially when you've nourished the body with these nutrients. Your body will be so grateful, so thankful that you've taken the time to feed it, to tell it that it's cared for and appreciated.

 

Do something every day to show your body that you appreciate it. I speak to my liver and tell it how much I love it. I talk to my adrenals and tell them how much I appreciate them, etc. I drink a lot of water every day. I focus on eating whole foods (ie. not processed). etc. Do something loving for your body every day. Let it know it's loved, being cared for, and that you're sorry you haven't been taking good care of it, but that you're changing that.

 

 

 

I used to suffer from clinical depression. I had periods of my life where I had very strong suicidal tendencies and desires. I don't imagine that I will ever experience anything that serious again. I've also experienced severe social anxiety most of my life. I've come a long way--and that's because I've put in (and continue to put in!) a lot of work and effort into my life. I never took antidepressants. But I did take up volunteering. I volunteered in nursing homes and in hospice care. It turns out I rather loved it, it did wonderful things for me, and I want to be a part of that field in the future. Nowadays, if I feel myself becoming rather anxious, I might take some magnesium or holy basil if I'm at home. No matter where I am, I will tap on certain parts of my body (look into Emotional Freedom Technique aka EFT) and say various affirmations. I even do it while I'm walking somewhere. I might take deep breaths. Whatever seems to resonate with me at the time.

 

What you say makes sense. I strongly encourage you to try out GABA from the health food store to calm your mind. It regulates your mood and helps decrease anxiety.

 

As for the intrusive thoughts, as I mentioned before, if your current therapy isn't working for you, then seek another therapist. Look into mindfulness-based therapy. Get into journaling. Listen to meditative music upon awakening/before going to bed, and/or even when you're on LS (or whenever)!

 

 

I understand what you're saying about chemical imbalances, but we do not know if that is the case in your situation, and when someone is depressed, I don't automatically think "chemical imbalance." It is probably not the case in most cases, actually, though that's just my guess. Antidepressants are made only to balance some chemicals in the brain, I imagine it's not even among the most common causes of depression, not at its core, anyway. A lot of the time, it's lack of serotonin in our GUT, where about 95% of our body's serotonin is actually made. Heal your gut, heal your depression. Heal your gut, heal your anxiety. (Potentially). This is why I suggested taking probiotics long ago. To replenish your gut environment with healthy bacteria. There have been many cases where taking probiotics--at the right amount, which is sometimes very high dosages--reversed illnesses all together, and have also shown to relieve very severe cases of depression/violent behaviours/anxiety/etc. Probiotics are awesome! <3

 

 

I think it's a good idea for you to stay away from threads about cheating/infidelity for now. I can understand about triggers--I get them too, and I'm sure it's not uncommon. What I do encourage you to do is to pick a poster or two that you respect/want to emulate, and read their posts. My first suggestion for you would be Blanco. He's a guy around your age (I think maybe 31?), and he is very insightful, and I think he'd be a good role model for you, and I've been happy for you that he has posted a lot in your threads. But For me, reading Zahara's posts (especially) has helped me grow a lot in learning about what healthy boundaries look like, and how to be more assertive. I feel better about myself, and more confident as a result.

 

I'd also encourage you to look at the Breakups section, as you'll see a lot of responses that help people see more clearly when they're clouded with emotion. But if that's too difficult right now, then stick with reading back someone's posts. Read a few every day. Let them be a part of your "doing something positive/awesome for myself today" routine.

 

I can see that you're stuck on the height thing. Honestly, NJ, when the right person comes for you--and I truly believe it will happen!!--that woman will hear about how you'd been so worried about your height in the past, and she'll be so surprised because you'll have put so much effort into being a healthier, happier person, that she'll have an entire list of things she adores about you--all of which are way more significant to her than your height (which she probably never even thought about until you mentioned it!), because you'll have so much good in you that she'll have noticed.

 

Yeah, hopefully it helps me in a positive way where I see some benefits.

 

I've been trying to eliminate diet sodas from my diet & have been sticking with water for the most part. I'll have a soda maybe twice a week at most but nowhere as much as I did. I know it's no good to drink that stuff all the time.

 

I think clinical depression doesn't just go away on it's own. At least I've never heard of that.

 

And no, I didn't like the way he talked about me in my threads.

 

And the height thing is just something I'd rather not read about. The last thing I want to hear is women constantly saying they prefer tall guys.

[sooshi]

 

I've been trying to eliminate diet sodas from my diet & have been sticking with water for the most part. I'll have a soda maybe twice a week at most but nowhere as much as I did. I know it's no good to drink that stuff all the time.

That's great!

 

I think clinical depression doesn't just go away on it's own. At least I've never heard of that.

I don't think I said anything that implied that depression goes away on its own. It doesn't.

 

And no, I didn't like the way he talked about me in my threads.

Then choose someone else, if you can think of anyone. You might not like some of the things he said, but he was a mirror for you. I've been told plenty of things by people about me that I didn't like to hear, but in most cases, they were right. Once I acknowledged and accepted that, I took it as a lesson, something that I could use to grow. In my opinion, he said what you needed to hear. Many of us hear things we don't want to hear, but need to hear. It's up to you whether you want to grow or to stay stuck. Even if it hasn't felt like it, he was trying to help you grow.

 

And the height thing is just something I'd rather not read about. The last thing I want to hear is women constantly saying they prefer tall guys.

I never said that.

 

My time here in this thread is done. You need to go and take care of yourself now. Good luck.

[NJ123]

That's great!

 

 

I don't think I said anything that implied that depression goes away on its own. It doesn't.

 

 

Then choose someone else, if you can think of anyone. You might not like some of the things he said, but he was a mirror for you. I've been told plenty of things by people about me that I didn't like to hear, but in most cases, they were right. Once I acknowledged and accepted that, I took it as a lesson, something that I could use to grow. In my opinion, he said what you needed to hear. Many of us hear things we don't want to hear, but need to hear. It's up to you whether you want to grow or to stay stuck. Even if it hasn't felt like it, he was trying to help you grow.

 

 

I never said that.

 

My time here in this thread is done. You need to go and take care of yourself now. Good luck.

 

I'm just worried if these supplements I get don't help my burning than I don't know what to do. I didn't say but I went to my doctor again & he said that he didn't know either what the issue was & just gave me a week of antibiotics which I know for sure won't help since I tried antibiotics in the past like 3 different times. So I'm just hoping that these supplements I get help this. I'm hoping it relaxes my muscles or something & fixes the issue. If not than I at a complete loss since I've tried everything else.