Single for the rest of my life or settling for someone I'm not attracted to?

[Fishfingersareyummy]

Wow, are these the only two options?

 

Geesh, I know that we can't find a 100% match and there's compromise, deal breakers, etc...but to be limited to single or someone who I just cannot stand is a bit discouraging, no?

 

Unfortunately that seems to be the reality for a lot of people doesn't it?

[PaperCrane]

To present a different point of view. Think of arranged marriages. Many of them report to have grown to love each other.

 

Another interesting statistic is that arranged marriages seem to be happier overall compared to non-arranged.

 

However there is a lot that influences that statistic.

 

One I can think of, is that while humans yearn for freedom, we seem to live better within a defined set of boundaries. We have seen some of the most amazing creations and advancements come from times where the rules were the strictest. Pushing the boundaries.

 

When we have pure freedom of choice, the boundaries are less defined. We don't know where to push to try and gain those grains of freedom.

 

In an arranged marriage, both parties are promised to each other way in advance. They're in it together. In a way it is almost romantic. Making the most out of what many consider to be the worst, and doing it together with someone else.

 

It seems over the course of history people are their best when they need to be, and not before. Challenge and hardship seem to really drive people forward.

 

We're able to change partners at a whim, when there is little to no repercussions from actions; when the stakes really are pretty low, I think people tend to end up more dissatisfied.

 

People like to earn things. It makes us feel good. The harder it was to accomplish, the more proud we are. Perhaps it's why orbiters are a thing. They may seem like sniveling wimps, but they've set themselves on a course of pain and hardship for a goal they see as worthwhile. Maybe it's why OP is where he is. He's been on this path for so long, that he sees it almost as a self imposed geas, where the outcome has to be just so or it will be all for naught. If it isn't to his standards, he may feel like he's utterly let himself down, the efforts and hardship would be in vain and the entire thought of what he should do becomes and existential crisis.

 

Or maybe I'm rambling because I'm bored.

[NJ123]

Settle for someone is an interesting phrase.

 

It means you do believe(or have) attracted women's attentions for a possible relationship?

 

 

There's a huge difference between no woman has ever given me a second look vs I don't connect with any women I'm interested in.

 

Well, I've had some women clearly interested in me through OLD but there was no attraction whatsoever on my part. I just don't know if I can force myself to be with someone I have no attraction to.

Edited October 19, 2016 by NJ123

[NuevoYorko]

Seriously, you should get used to the idea of being forever alone. Once you've accepted it, you might stop spending all your spare time thinking and typing about the subject, and instead focus on your path to getting a degree, dealing with your health issues and moving out of your parents' home. I suspect that when these issues become your priority, you could be pleasantly surprised about your relationship options. If not, you will have a more fulfilling life and probably won't be quite so preoccupied about it.

[NJ123]

Another interesting statistic is that arranged marriages seem to be happier overall compared to non-arranged.

 

However there is a lot that influences that statistic.

 

One I can think of, is that while humans yearn for freedom, we seem to live better within a defined set of boundaries. We have seen some of the most amazing creations and advancements come from times where the rules were the strictest. Pushing the boundaries.

 

When we have pure freedom of choice, the boundaries are less defined. We don't know where to push to try and gain those grains of freedom.

 

In an arranged marriage, both parties are promised to each other way in advance. They're in it together. In a way it is almost romantic. Making the most out of what many consider to be the worst, and doing it together with someone else.

 

It seems over the course of history people are their best when they need to be, and not before. Challenge and hardship seem to really drive people forward.

 

We're able to change partners at a whim, when there is little to no repercussions from actions; when the stakes really are pretty low, I think people tend to end up more dissatisfied.

 

People like to earn things. It makes us feel good. The harder it was to accomplish, the more proud we are. Perhaps it's why orbiters are a thing. They may seem like sniveling wimps, but they've set themselves on a course of pain and hardship for a goal they see as worthwhile. Maybe it's why OP is where he is. He's been on this path for so long, that he sees it almost as a self imposed geas, where the outcome has to be just so or it will be all for naught. If it isn't to his standards, he may feel like he's utterly let himself down, the efforts and hardship would be in vain and the entire thought of what he should do becomes and existential crisis.

 

Or maybe I'm rambling because I'm bored.

 

What it comes down to for me personally for the most part is feeling like I'm way behind the curve & that I have that missing out feeling since so many others around me are in relationships. It's not a good feeling to see other couples where I find the woman attractive constantly while I'm always by myself.

[NJ123]

Seriously, you should get used to the idea of being forever alone. Once you've accepted it, you might stop spending all your spare time thinking and typing about the subject, and instead focus on your path to getting a degree, dealing with your health issues and moving out of your parents' home. I suspect that when these issues become your priority, you could be pleasantly surprised about your relationship options. If not, you will have a more fulfilling life and probably won't be quite so preoccupied about it.

 

So you're saying to do a reverse psychology type of approach? I really try that at times but what ends up happening is that it comes back into my mind to bother me all over again when I see people together constantly. I'll have to find a way to force myself to not let it get to me somehow.

[carhill]

Why do you think that people being together constantly is some sort of goal or success?

 

You were programmed that way by a society that consumes people. You're like a battery. You have energy that the hive consumes. A worker bee. Programmed.

 

Going back to your title, being single for the rest of your life just means no long-lived commitments. Freedom. It doesn't mean solitude. Try out people you're not attracted to. Try out those you are attracted to. Do nothing. Have lots of friends. Have no friends. Freedom. It'll all be over before you know it and no one can accompany you on the final journey. It's yours and yours alone. Better get used to it.

[PaperCrane]

Why do you think that people being together constantly is some sort of goal or success?

 

You were programmed that way by a society that consumes people. You're like a battery. You have energy that the hive consumes. A worker bee. Programmed.

 

Going back to your title, being single for the rest of your life just means no long-lived commitments. Freedom. It doesn't mean solitude. Try out people you're not attracted to. Try out those you are attracted to. Do nothing. Have lots of friends. Have no friends. Freedom. It'll all be over before you know it and no one can accompany you on the final journey. It's yours and yours alone. Better get used to it.

 

Freedom without purpose feels a whole lot like boredom. - Inio Asano

 

Even with what seems to be loose goals, there isn't much there to really fuel the drive. Right now it seems OP is in a place where, honestly, there isn't much of a reason to change other than a nagging feeling like he should.

 

I can kind of see the annoyance, it's almost like fear too. If it finally happens and it's not what has been hoped for, it's a total letdown. So maybe OP really just wants the best shot at it.

[AMJ]

So you're saying to do a reverse psychology type of approach? I really try that at times but what ends up happening is that it comes back into my mind to bother me all over again when I see people together constantly. I'll have to find a way to force myself to not let it get to me somehow.

 

Oh, NJ...what will it take for you to refocus your energy on something that will actually produce results for you? So many times people have given you the same exact advice and you keep searching for a different answer.

 

I haven't read everything you've posted- have you ever explained what you were doing in your 20s instead of the things that most people do, which now leaves you feeling behind the curve?

 

I have a friend who got into lots of trouble and fell off the productive life path in his early 20s, hung out with loser friends, did lots of drugs, partied all the time, flunked out of college, got a DUI...and it took him 12 years to get his BA but he did it! He lived with his parents and worked part time to pay for his tuition, so he graduated without any debt. He's now doing really well and has a great job that he enjoys. It took him a long time to get there, he's only now settled in his job at 36, but he plugged away at his goals one day at a time to make them happen.

 

That's the sort of commitment you need to give to your own goals. All this energy spent trying to fit square pegs into round holes is just wasting your own time and energy.

 

You already know what you need to do to improve your situation. What is stopping you?

 

Stop looking at everything like it's a hopeless endless string of impossible. Take on one challenge at a time, start small. Keep plugging away, one step at a time, and you will get there.

[HillValley]

Well, I've had some women clearly interested in me through OLD but there was no attraction whatsoever on my part. I just don't know if I can force myself to be with someone I have no attraction to.

 

That's not a problem. No one is attracted to everyone.

 

What you need to be thinking about is what about the women who are attracted to separates them from the women you are? Physical or something else?

 

Also do you have a dog/not allergic to dogs?

[Imajerk17]

IF you sit around and do nothing but whine and moan as you've been doing since you've come on here you'll probably keep on living (and eventually die as) an incel. You should be putting efforts towards improving yourself instead.

 

Sorry, but not "everyone deserves a prize". If you want success in life you have to WORK for it.

Edited October 19, 2016 by Imajerk17

[Fishfingersareyummy]

IF you sit around and do nothing but whine and moan as you've been doing since you've come on here you'll probably die an incel. You should be putting efforts to improving yourself instead.

 

Sorry, but not "everyone deserves a prize". If you want success in life you have to WORK for it.

 

I couldn't agree more. That's what I did age 23 when I woke up one morning stinking of cigarette smoke, hung over with a day stuck in a dead in job. That's the moment the penny dropped for me and I began to make changes. If I can do it, so can NJ.

 

I believe in NJ, I believe he has the ability to change his life but he doesn't have the confidence and I hope it gets the confidence to embrace the possibility of change.

[AMJ]

 

I believe in NJ, I believe he has the ability to change his life but he doesn't have the confidence and I hope it gets the confidence to embrace the possibility of change.

 

I don't think he is lacking confidence. He's lacking discipline and ambition.

And he has an unrealistic expectation about dating- thinking it's okay for him to have high standards but is frustrated that women also have high standards.

[Fishfingersareyummy]

I don't think he is lacking confidence. He's lacking discipline and ambition.

And he has an unrealistic expectation about dating- thinking it's okay for him to have high standards but is frustrated that women also have high standards.

 

He strikes me as a man that doesn't have confidence in himself. I believe that any lack of discipline and ambition could be related to a lack of confidence.

 

As for unrealistic expectations in dating, he wouldn't be the only one to suffer from this as it seems to be a problem with most people and from what I've read he doesn't seem to demand too much from a woman (I could be wrong), but he does have to accept that he won't be every woman's cup of Earl Grey as you have said.

[ChickiePops]

I've asked you this multiple times NJ and you've never really answered directly. You talk CONSTANTLY about what YOU want in a woman.

 

What is it that YOU have to offer US? Why should a woman want to date you? Serious question..no shade intended.

[NJ123]

Oh, NJ...what will it take for you to refocus your energy on something that will actually produce results for you? So many times people have given you the same exact advice and you keep searching for a different answer.

 

I haven't read everything you've posted- have you ever explained what you were doing in your 20s instead of the things that most people do, which now leaves you feeling behind the curve?

 

I have a friend who got into lots of trouble and fell off the productive life path in his early 20s, hung out with loser friends, did lots of drugs, partied all the time, flunked out of college, got a DUI...and it took him 12 years to get his BA but he did it! He lived with his parents and worked part time to pay for his tuition, so he graduated without any debt. He's now doing really well and has a great job that he enjoys. It took him a long time to get there, he's only now settled in his job at 36, but he plugged away at his goals one day at a time to make them happen.

 

That's the sort of commitment you need to give to your own goals. All this energy spent trying to fit square pegs into round holes is just wasting your own time and energy.

 

You already know what you need to do to improve your situation. What is stopping you?

 

Stop looking at everything like it's a hopeless endless string of impossible. Take on one challenge at a time, start small. Keep plugging away, one step at a time, and you will get there.

 

For what I was doing, mainly struggling with bad depression/ocd. I still struggle with it to this day but on top of other issues that I have these days. It's just sucks, but I can't go back in time now.

[NJ123]

He strikes me as a man that doesn't have confidence in himself. I believe that any lack of discipline and ambition could be related to a lack of confidence.

 

As for unrealistic expectations in dating, he wouldn't be the only one to suffer from this as it seems to be a problem with most people and from what I've read he doesn't seem to demand too much from a woman (I could be wrong), but he does have to accept that he won't be every woman's cup of Earl Grey as you have said.

 

I don't demand too much. I just want someone I'm personally attracted to & get along with well. I guess I have preferences with some things but they're no big deal at all. The only thing is that they can't be obese or too thin. And they have to have a face I find attractive.

[NJ123]

I've asked you this multiple times NJ and you've never really answered directly. You talk CONSTANTLY about what YOU want in a woman.

 

What is it that YOU have to offer US? Why should a woman want to date you? Serious question..no shade intended.

 

I already answered that awhile back & only got bashed by posters on here anyway.

[NJ123]

I don't think he is lacking confidence. He's lacking discipline and ambition.

And he has an unrealistic expectation about dating- thinking it's okay for him to have high standards but is frustrated that women also have high standards.

 

Who said I have high standards? High standards would be that I exclusively want women with really attractive faces, great job, big breasts, etc. Those of course would be nice to have in a woman, but they aren't exclusively what I want. I already explained that I'm nowhere as picky as people on here think. I gave a whole bunch of examples in another thread when someone stated what guys generally want.

[SammySammy]

I already answered that awhile back & only got bashed by posters on here anyway.

 

This is a new thread. Tell her.

 

No one has time to search through all of your old threads to find answers to questions asked in this one.

 

What do you want and what do you have to offer?

[AMJ]

For what I was doing, mainly struggling with bad depression/ocd. I still struggle with it to this day but on top of other issues that I have these days. It's just sucks, but I can't go back in time now.

 

That's not what I meant. As in, were you working, going to school at all?

[NJ123]

This is a new thread. Tell her.

 

No one has time to search through all of your old threads to find answers to questions asked in this one.

 

What do you want and what do you have to offer?

 

If you want specifics, what I want is for a woman to be average, fit or curvy in body type. Obese & too thin are turn offs for me. I don't care about hair color or length in hair as long as she has an attractive face. I find a lot of women with shorter hair attractive. I don't care about their height either. Of course I prefer bigger breasts on a woman but it's definitely not even a factor of whether I'd want to go out with them or not. My ideal age range is from 23-35, but if somehow I met a woman that was in her late 30s/early 40s I wouldn't say no to go out with her if I had the opportunity. I seem to have a reputation on this site that I have really high standards though.

 

What I have to offer is I'm polite, have a good personality, a great listener, honest & can make people laugh if I'm comfortable around them. I would be loyal & wouldn't cheat like a lot of other people do. I have no prior relationship baggage like others do, but I'm not too sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I guess it would depend on the individual person in terms of my inexperience. I also guess where people will say I don't have enough is that my living situation isn't ideal for a guy of my age or my job isn't good enough. But I have to work on that of course as well as on other things. It just seems for whatever reason the women I like are always the ones that have a lot of options though but I'm not even incredibly picky in terms of whom I find attractive. There's so many different types of women I like, not just women that look like legit models or have amazing looks.

 

Admittedly with people I don't know well I'm way more quiet/reserved since I'm not comfortable I guess being me right away. That's probably another big part of why I've never been with anyone is that I'm pretty much an introvert that has a more laid back personality than the outgoing type of personality that women tend to like.

[NJ123]

That's not what I meant. As in, were you working, going to school at all?

 

I was going to school in my early 20s. I have my associates degree but obviously that's not enough. I was working at a retail store selling shoes for about 4 years until I couldn't deal with my health situation anymore & also had to quit from the frustration of being taken advantage of by the managers there.

[olivetree]

I was going to school in my early 20s. I have my associates degree but obviously that's not enough. I was working at a retail store selling shoes for about 4 years until I couldn't deal with my health situation anymore & also had to quit from the frustration of being taken advantage of by the managers there.

 

Dating shouldn't even be on your radar until you have your mental health figured out. And then you should have a life you're happy with, with friends ambitions and hobbies.

[NJ123]

Dating shouldn't even be on your radar until you have your mental health figured out. And then you should have a life you're happy with, with friends ambitions and hobbies.

 

I just hate the feeling like I have to wait who knows how many more years to ever get a relationship. It's going to get ridiculous if I still never had a g/f at 35 years old. Every year that goes by makes me have less of a chance to get with someone. If I had even one relationship in the past, it wouldn't be a big deal, but alarm bells will go off in the vast majority of women's heads when they find out if I'm some guy in my mid-late 30s & never been with anyone. It's just human nature to feel that way when the normal time to have a first relationship on average is probably late teens/early 20s. Maybe people in here don't want to admit it either, but I'm guessing the vast majority of you wouldn't give the time of day to a guy in his 30s that's never had a relationship if you're being honest. It just makes me feel like a freak & like I'm not even normal.