Is paying for dates a solution? [I.e. An "arrangement" type scenario?]

[pteromom]

OK just noticed you are in South Africa... here are some groups I see on Facebook in your area:

 

Pokemon Go

Motorcycle owners

Cape Town girls & boys - "start messaging with each other and become friends!) - there are 2200 members!

Cape Town singles - over 3000 members! Another one with 9000 members.

Cape Town talking (debate group) 13,000 members!

4X4, stoners, stylists, expats, mushroom foragers!

 

There are groups for everything. Join some. Chat with people. Make friends. If someone wants to be just friends, let them know you are looking and ask them to set you up.

 

Don't give up so easily. You got this. Remember QUANTITY is your friend.

[ZA Dater]

I haven't read the whole thread but - you did nail it in your last post that I quoted.

 

It's your negativity that puts people off. You're not alone, a few men on here are just the same.

This would also put someone off if you were paying for the privilege of their time and company only.

 

You liked my story about after my Mum had died when I was just 17.

I was very unconfident at the point I set myself that challenge.

The only thing that got me through was positivity, The ONLY thing.

Without positivity I could not have done it nor kept doing it.

 

If I had the balls I would post stories about two nights during that time that were particularly horrible. I can't. Both nights were too horrific.

 

But I did pick myself up, be positive and test myself again so even then I made the whole experience a good one for just me.

BTW - I decided not to date and did not date during my 3 months. Nor was I out there picking guys up or having sex. It was purely to get myself out of feeling so shy.

 

ZA - don't pay for company or 'whatever'. Please.

 

I try to be positive really I do.

 

Everywhere I go I am confronted with the same uncomfortable truths, I have few friends and I try to be friendly if spoken to. Perhaps my whole serious look puts people off.

 

Kudos to you for going through that, its tough I have sat in bars and clubs I didn't want to be in hoping I could find some conversation and I couldn't. I know how uncomfortable that feels and I equally glad you managed to beat it.

[ZA Dater]

OK just noticed you are in South Africa... here are some groups I see on Facebook in your area:

 

Pokemon Go

Motorcycle owners

Cape Town girls & boys - "start messaging with each other and become friends!) - there are 2200 members!

Cape Town singles - over 3000 members! Another one with 9000 members.

Cape Town talking (debate group) 13,000 members!

4X4, stoners, stylists, expats, mushroom foragers!

 

There are groups for everything. Join some. Chat with people. Make friends. If someone wants to be just friends, let them know you are looking and ask them to set you up.

 

Don't give up so easily. You got this. Remember QUANTITY is your friend.

 

Thanks for this, much appreciated.

 

I don't really do Facebook.

[Imajerk17]

I haven't read the whole thread but - you did nail it in your last post that I quoted.

 

It's your negativity that puts people off. You're not alone, a few men on here are just the same.

This would also put someone off if you were paying for the privilege of their time and company only.

 

You liked my story about after my Mum had died when I was just 17.

I was very unconfident at the point I set myself that challenge.

The only thing that got me through was positivity, The ONLY thing.

Without positivity I could not have done it nor kept doing it.

 

If I had the balls I would post stories about two nights during that time that were particularly horrible. I can't. Both nights were too horrific.

 

But I did pick myself up, be positive and test myself again so even then I made the whole experience a good one for just me.

BTW - I decided not to date and did not date during my 3 months. Nor was I out there picking guys up or having sex. It was purely to get myself out of feeling so shy.

 

ZA - don't pay for company or 'whatever'. Please.

 

I read your story GammaUK....you have some brass woman balls! (I mean that as a compliment btw)

 

I had a bad start too--in the sense that I didn't date AT ALL from 21--29. As in, not one single date. Completely chaste. (And even before that, I briefly dated one woman at age 20 whom I put on a big pedestal and who rejected me. That was my ONLY dating experience at the time.) I was shy and at the time, hopeless with women. And I was in a male-dominated field too. The only difference between ZA_Dater and myself (except for the fact that ZA can surf and I cannot) is that when I decided "enough is enough", I was willing to do anything and everything ethical to get more socially confident. I didn't have social confidence at the time but I DID have positivity. AND I was willing to take in feedback and learn from my mistakes/situations not turning out as I wished.

 

And you know what? The social confidence eventually came.

 

(One frustrating thing I notice here is how many guys don't really seem to be wanting to improve their dating lives. They keep making the same mistakes over and over again. Or even worse, they just come on here and whine and moan about how bad they got it without taking any action. It's sad actually. But I digress.)

 

No lowering yourself to pay for someone's company!

Edited September 30, 2016 by Imajerk17

[MidwestUSA]

Thanks for this, much appreciated.

 

I don't really do Facebook.

 

I met my husband on Facebook. And I asked him out, almost five years ago.

[rester]

I.e. An "arrangement" type scenario?

 

I considered this a while back and am considering it again, there is something fundamentally off putting but seeing as its Sept and I haven't had one date this year....

 

Are you already paying for a therapist?

 

It's an easy thing to suggest of course but whenever I see it suggested on here the typical response is that the person can't afford it or doesn't want to pay for it.

 

In this case, since you are willing to pay someone to have lunch with you, why not pay a therapist instead? I would imagine it'd be half the cost and many times the benefit.

 

How exactly will you benefit from paying someone to go on a date with you or eat lunch with you?

 

edited to add: my point is that if you're going to throw money at this issue, paying for dates does not sound like the most efficient way to do that.

Edited September 30, 2016 by rester

[RecentChange]

I was about to post a similar response - I think money would be better spent on counseling.

 

Or to pay some sort of dating coach - if you are going to pay for a women's company, to me it would make more sense if she was a professional who would help coach you, and give you feed back so you can modify your behavior and become more successful.

 

Hiring a "yes woman" to give you company, and no negative feedback isn't going to improve your prospects in the long run .

[rester]

I was about to post a similar response - I think money would be better spent on counseling.

 

Or to pay some sort of dating coach - if you are going to pay for a women's company, to me it would make more sense if she was a professional who would help coach you, and give you feed back so you can modify your behavior and become more successful.

 

Hiring a "yes woman" to give you company, and no negative feedback isn't going to improve your prospects in the long run .

 

That's another good point. If you're going to spend money on this, think long-term rather than a quick fix. Paying for a date might be enjoyable in the moment but in the long run I can't think of any benefit.

[ZA Dater]

Are you already paying for a therapist?

 

It's an easy thing to suggest of course but whenever I see it suggested on here the typical response is that the person can't afford it or doesn't want to pay for it.

 

In this case, since you are willing to pay someone to have lunch with you, why not pay a therapist instead? I would imagine it'd be half the cost and many times the benefit.

 

How exactly will you benefit from paying someone to go on a date with you or eat lunch with you?

 

edited to add: my point is that if you're going to throw money at this issue, paying for dates does not sound like the most efficient way to do that.

 

Let me address one thing here.

 

 

Therapy is an absolute waste of money par excellence. To sit an be judged by a person and pay them to do, no thanks I have far better things to do. To have every thing dissected by someone you cant question? No thanks.

 

 

I'd rather pay for the company of a pay date and get some benefit out of it than listen to someone telling me how I should do this and that and why I am wrong.

 

 

At least with a pay date I can have a nice dinner, walk around a bit, smile and for the most part of a gf for a hour versus sitting in a room talking to someone who themselves may not be good at dating either.

[ZA Dater]

I was about to post a similar response - I think money would be better spent on counseling.

 

Or to pay some sort of dating coach - if you are going to pay for a women's company, to me it would make more sense if she was a professional who would help coach you, and give you feed back so you can modify your behavior and become more successful.

 

Hiring a "yes woman" to give you company, and no negative feedback isn't going to improve your prospects in the long run .

 

Its amazing how therapy get trotted out as the all encompassing solution for dating woes. Simply amazing.

 

 

I am simply not prepared to modify my behaviour to fit in with what society thinks I need to be, I will continue to be this kind giving, honest, generous guy who doesn't drink an does sit around with the guys and critique the bust of every girl walking past. Sorry that isn't me.

[normal person]

Its amazing how therapy get trotted out as the all encompassing solution for dating woes. Simply amazing.

 

I am simply not prepared to modify my behaviour to fit in with what society thinks I need to be, I will continue to be this kind giving, honest, generous guy who doesn't drink an does sit around with the guys and critique the bust of every girl walking past. Sorry that isn't me.

 

What's also "simply amazing" is that you seem to think that men only exist in two categories: either kind, giving, honest, teetotaling, generous, and chivalrous... or lecherous, drunken, predators. You've assumed the high ground, as well as the fact that there is no middle to debate over.

 

No one is suggesting you not be kind, giving, honest, etc. But you need to stop using that, or your (unnecessary) unwillingness to compromise on it, as an excuse. Likely your issue has nothing to do with whether or not you're kind and honest. Plenty of kind and honest people manage to form healthy relationships. I've said this to you before, whether or not you're extra kind and nice is irrelevant in this arena more often than you think. If that's all you're hanging your hat on, you're bound to struggle. Being nice, kind, etc usually only matters if she likes you, for whatever other reason, first. Most people aren't attracted to others because they're kind and nice. They might help someone stick around, but when most women say they want someone kind and nice, what they really mean is they want a guy who they're firstly very attracted to who happens to be to kind and nice. It's secondary. There's no need to keep invoking morality here because women aren't necessarily after "nice" men anyways.

 

In my opinion you need to stop waving this banner of gracious compassion. I'm not saying don't be a nice person, but I'm suggesting you stop letting it affect your view of the whole paradigm of attraction. You're seeing the forest for the trees, when it should be the other way around. You're focusing on a very small detail of the painting when you should really just step back and notice the big picture.

 

Consider this:

1). I've been "too nice" to a girl and it totally turned her off as she went and got married to her ex boyfriend who was much less so.

2). Also, just this week: I got talking to a girl through OLD, I joked about something and she (wrongly) thought I had a rude tone, she got into a huff about it and suggested we not meet up. I said I think it was a misunderstanding, but fair enough. I cut my losses and forgot about her until last night she texts me and asks me if we're still going out.

 

Women don't outright want nice men. There are plethora of other things they want in a guy before they applaud his niceness. I've explained to you the biological reasons before. If nothing else, please just entertain the idea that your whole view of this "upstanding nice guy vs. misogynist" binary is much more complex than you give it credit for. And even then, think of this: women often want their men to be somewhat less than nice. And more importantly, they desire to be desired, not catered to. In my experience, as long as it doesn't cross the line from flattering to threatening, on a primal level a lot of women enjoy a bit of objectification. So maybe this ultra-chivalrous thing is a bit outdated.

 

Here's what I think you should do:

- Stop thinking about peoples' morality so much because it's not relevent here

- Be nice if that's your disposition, but don't be a doormat

- Accept the fact that you're not perfect, and if you want women that badly, you might have to step out of your comfort zone a bit and make some compromises, as most people do

- Don't let "being nice" be the only noticeable thing about you

- Optimize your usage on every OLD ap

- Go to the bar with your friends (drink water if you want), make an effort to not appear "above" it, find some common ground, and try to enjoy yourself. Don't assume everyone who drinks alcohol is a bad, not-nice person.

- Try something different and see what happens, learn from your mistakes

- Talk to a woman circumstantially, as a human first, form an emotional bond, then if you both feel a good vibe, then turn up the heat a little, all the while keeping in mind that your niceness is largely irrelevant.

 

But back on topic, no, I don't think paying for dates is the solution.

 

Best of luck.

[GemmaUK]

I read your story GammaUK....you have some brass woman balls! (I mean that as a compliment btw)

 

I had a bad start too--in the sense that I didn't date AT ALL from 21--29. As in, not one single date. Completely chaste. (And even before that, I briefly dated one woman at age 20 whom I put on a big pedestal and who rejected me. That was my ONLY dating experience at the time.) I was shy and at the time, hopeless with women. And I was in a male-dominated field too. The only difference between ZA_Dater and myself (except for the fact that ZA can surf and I cannot) is that when I decided "enough is enough", I was willing to do anything and everything ethical to get more socially confident. I didn't have social confidence at the time but I DID have positivity. AND I was willing to take in feedback and learn from my mistakes/situations not turning out as I wished.

 

And you know what? The social confidence eventually came.

 

(One frustrating thing I notice here is how many guys don't really seem to be wanting to improve their dating lives. They keep making the same mistakes over and over again. Or even worse, they just come on here and whine and moan about how bad they got it without taking any action. It's sad actually. But I digress.)

 

No lowering yourself to pay for someone's company!

 

Thanks Imajerk!

 

Enough is enough is exactly how I felt - the only difference actually between you and me is that I threw myself in at an earlier age.

 

Some of these guys think they are throwing themselves in but it isn't 100%, it's not enough to scare the s*** out of them.

Thinking back at that story of mine and how I felt once I had decided to do it still makes me shake.

 

I have another story too.

I had dated one guy back when I was 17 - only for a couple of weeks, it didn't come to anything.

When I was 19 I became friends with a colleague who was engaged to a guy.

We would sometimes go out with other colleagues and her guy would come along too.

One night just the three of us went out to see a comedy show - very well known comedian - it was such a great night.

But her guy drove home and took me home last. He had a truck and he drove out somewhere and pushed me into the back of the truck - there was a mattress there. I froze and complied but never consented to what happened next but I lost my virginity that night in a way I wouldn't wish upon anyone.

I didn't report it - too much was involved - my work, my friendship with his fiancée.. I pulled myself away from my friendship with her.

I left the company and made some new friends.

One night I met this guy from the circle of new friends. We flirted, he was shyer than me actually. He was 5ft 4in, had a shock of shoulder length red hair. He had a lovely smile, kind eyes and was sweet, not pushy.

We ended up chatting and then kissing on a few nights out after that. Neither one of us asked the other out but eventually we became FWB.

This will sound incredibly selfish of me but it was me who led the B part, part of the reason was there was some shy chemistry there, the other part was that I wanted to know that I could be sexual on my own terms as I thought maybe that would stop me from thinking about the experience I had had,

 

We had six months of fun together. He wasn't a virgin but wasn't very experienced and had one slept with one girl. I was basically inexperienced. He taught me the way and then I was the one to use imagination and think of ways to experiment (nothing kinky here btw) but I knew nothing, he knew very little.

 

I could have fallen for him but and it's hard to explain - it's like we were in it for the experience.

I ended it, all amicable but I knew I had got over the barrier of what had happened to me. Without him I am really not so sure that I would have.

 

I then had a relationship when I was 20 - a normal one and then met the man I lived with (14 yrs) when I was 22. I never did have a problem nor any fears sexually. Sweet guy helped me out with that massively - he never knew what had happened to me. I didn't ever tell him.

 

When I was about 30 that sweet red haired guy turned up on a night out. I felt weird first off as my partner was there and the sweet guy was with one of our circle of friends - they had previously worked together and this was a one off meet up for them.

Me and sweet guy said hello, had a hug and a little catch up. He told me he was now married with two little ones, I told him I was living with my man. Nothing about our past was mentioned aside from that we had been friends back in the day.

 

When he left he gave me a wave and we smiled at each other. It was really nice to see him after all that time.

A week later the usual group were out for a drink and later that night the ex-colleague of sweet guy pulled me aside for a chat.

Ex-colleague then told me two things which floored me.

He told me that sweet guy had often talked about me when they worked together as the girl who changed his life. Sweet guy had tole ex-colleague that had it not been for me seet guy would never have gone for the girl he ended up marrying as he said he wouldn't have had the confidence to do so.

 

Apparently, after I had walked in the night Sweet guy was there he had pulled the ex-colleague over and said 'That's her! She is the one I always talked about!'

 

The other thing he said that floored me was that Sweet guy had been diagnosed with Parkinson's disease.

 

I always think of sweet guy fondly, always have. I have never seen him again since that night but the ex-colleague would give me updates on how he was doing.

There is a coincidence about all of this too.

Whenever I think of that comedian I think of that awful night after having seen him live. That comedian was Billy Connelly who was also later diagnosed with Parkinson's, same as sweet guy.

 

Back at the time we both threw ourselves in - it was a learning curve and one which benefitted us both.

It was scary for me and I know it was scary for him too at the time.

There was a lot of vulnerability between us as well as a lot of fun.

 

If we had never taken that step though....

[GemmaUK]

I try to be positive really I do.

You say you 'try' ZA but do you actually exert that and stop and think before you type a reply on OLD or say something IRL?

If you stop and think before you speak you can totally stop negativity coming out.

Your negativity seeps out on here for all to see - it's a help forum so obviously 'some' is going to but if you display as much IRL or on OLD as you do on here then you need to and absolutely can reign that in.

 

Perhaps my whole serious look puts people off.

What do you mean exactly by 'serious look'?

Do you always wear suits and ties? (I know you don't and won't wear jeans - which is a universally know bit of kit for 'casual appearance')

 

Do you rarely smile?

Is your resting face the problem here? We all have one! We all engage muscles to make ourselves look brighter. You do that too right?

[elaine567]

Let me address one thing here.

 

 

Therapy is an absolute waste of money par excellence. To sit an be judged by a person and pay them to do, no thanks I have far better things to do. To have every thing dissected by someone you cant question? No thanks.

 

 

I'd rather pay for the company of a pay date and get some benefit out of it than listen to someone telling me how I should do this and that and why I am wrong.

 

 

At least with a pay date I can have a nice dinner, walk around a bit, smile and for the most part of a gf for a hour versus sitting in a room talking to someone who themselves may not be good at dating either.

 

I'd rather talk to a thousand therapists to try and sort out why I was not getting dates, than ever having to resort to paying someone specifically to go on a date with me...

 

What sort of therapist "judges" people and is someone you cannot question?

[ZA Dater]

You say you 'try' ZA but do you actually exert that and stop and think before you type a reply on OLD or say something IRL?

If you stop and think before you speak you can totally stop negativity coming out.

Your negativity seeps out on here for all to see - it's a help forum so obviously 'some' is going to but if you display as much IRL or on OLD as you do on here then you need to and absolutely can reign that in.

 

 

What do you mean exactly by 'serious look'?

Do you always wear suits and ties? (I know you don't and won't wear jeans - which is a universally know bit of kit for 'casual appearance')

 

Do you rarely smile?

Is your resting face the problem here? We all have one! We all engage muscles to make ourselves look brighter. You do that too right?

 

I don't go out to be negative at all, I don't sing the praises of things either. In terms of smiling, its rare I smile.

 

 

I always think before I speak which is probably why I generally say very little because if I have nothing to add I don't speak, sure if there is a conversation going where I can add value I speak. OLD I tried to type witty funny things, arguably I have a fair command of the written word which should actually help but seemingly does not.

 

 

For the most part I dress casually, I am allergic to ties and suits...

 

 

I think to an extent my issues are the following

: shyness

: lack of confidence brought out by lack of experience, I say this because when it comes to interests and hobbies I am super confident.

: lack of experience which tells very obviously, this is probably the biggest issue I have, I can overcome the shyness and I do often but this I cant get rid of, people pick it up from a mile away and its bad when guys pick up this vibe too.

 

 

I am a realist in terms of dating I don't have all that much to offer when I read the posts here, the things people seem to really want I don't have much of and the things people don't want I seem to have plenty of!

[Els]

Well, if all you really want is a lunch date, I don't see much harm in paying for it. It isn't going to solve or improve anything in the long run though. At the end of it you are still without a girlfriend.

[elaine567]

Where do you work?

Is it a small business or a large corporation?

Who are your workmates? Do you see them a lot or are you working alone?

What about work social events, conferences, training courses etc. are they not opportunities to meet new people?

 

What about the open university?

[GemmaUK]

I don't go out to be negative at all, I don't sing the praises of things either. In terms of smiling, its rare I smile.

What are you planning on doing about that?

 

Also, You avoided my question about your resting face.

[elaine567]

What are you planning on doing about that?

 

Also, You avoided my question about your resting face.

FaceReader, being a piece of software and therefore immune to gender bias, proved to be the great equalizer: It detected RBF in male and female faces in equal measure. Which means that the idea of RBF as a predominantly female phenomenon has little to do with facial physiology and more to do with social norms.

Scientists have discovered what causes 'Resting Bitch Face' | The Independent

 

RBF is actually perceived by most as "contempt", if that is what is coming across, then I guess it may explain your lack of success in dating and in making friends. People tend to take their cues from feedback and if the feedback they are getting from you, is the look of contempt, then no-one will want to take that further, no matter how nice and kind you say you are or appear to be by your actions.

[ZA Dater]

What are you planning on doing about that?

 

Also, You avoided my question about your resting face.

 

I guess my resting face is best described as unremarkable. Not too sure how to describe it to be honest, some have said its devoid of emotion and cold, those were probably the worst comments I have had.

 

 

I do try to be positive but no matter what I do or say is always perceived as being negative. I am pretty conservative in my outlook and that too is called being negative. Apparently.

 

 

Maybe its the way I speak, who knows really but there is something about me extremely unattractive to most people. Probably in part because I have built this wall up and I don't let people in very easily, this forum knows more about me than most of my limited number of friends.

 

 

I walk around, trying to be better, to be more confident, less awkward (have won slightly at this) but each and every time there is someone or something reminding me I am perpetually single, this shouldn't cloud my life so significantly but it always has, I go through years and yes, I have some family but its not really the same. People go out in the evenings, I don't really because when I do its just shoved in my face how single and inexperienced I am.

 

 

What keeps me going is an unlikely hope that maybe one day I will find mutual attraction and someone will actually like some of the qualities I have and actually give me a chance.

 

 

I cannot even begin to imagine the traumas you went through and in every interaction I have with dates, when I did get them I tried to debunk myself as one of those sex crazed, macho alpha type guys, my thing has always been if someone likes me enough things will progress on their own. Based on what I read here it seems I am massively mistaken.

[ZA Dater]

Where do you work?

Is it a small business or a large corporation?

Who are your workmates? Do you see them a lot or are you working alone?

What about work social events, conferences, training courses etc. are they not opportunities to meet new people?

 

What about the open university?

 

Small firm. My colleagues are all married, some have kids, we work in in conjunction but there is no real social aspect between us. We don't have any work social events as such, we did go bowling once but those people left, one of which I tried to date for 2 odd years but got nowhere with here. It was a silly idea and I was dumb to even think about it!

 

 

In short I don't really have many opportunities to meet people, my days are mostly office bound and dealing with people on a professional level. I think some of them think I am quite odd too. People don't always realise how tough it is to be single all the time from this aspect.

 

 

Sure I do sometimes meet people but socially they are far out of my league, each has many options in terms of dating and I just feel like an odd misfit when I am around them. For example there is a model I like as a person, spent some time with her and my awkwardness shone through brightly, in fact she lived with me for a week. Her comment to a mutual friend was "he is an absolute gentleman, its an extremely rare quality to find these days", I felt quite good about that. Predictably she has her choice of guys and I don't feature, which is ok.

 

 

I can tell you all this, its not a particularly nice feeling to march towards the end of yet another year and still have nobody. A close friend of mine spoke out of turn a few weeks back "you don't really have any personality" and that hurt but when I thought about it he is probably right, so stung am I from rejections, so shot is my confidence I really don't know what to say because everything I have said in the past has always been interpreted the wrong way so its easier just to say nothing.

[GemmaUK]

I guess my resting face is best described as unremarkable. Not too sure how to describe it to be honest, some have said its devoid of emotion and cold, those were probably the worst comments I have had.

 

 

I do try to be positive but no matter what I do or say is always perceived as being negative. I am pretty conservative in my outlook and that too is called being negative. Apparently.

 

 

Maybe its the way I speak, who knows really but there is something about me extremely unattractive to most people. Probably in part because I have built this wall up and I don't let people in very easily, this forum knows more about me than most of my limited number of friends.

 

 

I walk around, trying to be better, to be more confident, less awkward (have won slightly at this) but each and every time there is someone or something reminding me I am perpetually single, this shouldn't cloud my life so significantly but it always has, I go through years and yes, I have some family but its not really the same. People go out in the evenings, I don't really because when I do its just shoved in my face how single and inexperienced I am.

 

 

What keeps me going is an unlikely hope that maybe one day I will find mutual attraction and someone will actually like some of the qualities I have and actually give me a chance.

 

 

I cannot even begin to imagine the traumas you went through and in every interaction I have with dates, when I did get them I tried to debunk myself as one of those sex crazed, macho alpha type guys, my thing has always been if someone likes me enough things will progress on their own. Based on what I read here it seems I am massively mistaken.

 

You avoided both my questions this time.

I would actually really like to see your replies to those questions please?

 

On a side note and maybe to discuss in a bit once I have those answers, maybe you don't really 'read' responses properly too. This could translate into not listening IRL.

[elaine567]

A close friend of mine spoke out of turn a few weeks back "you don't really have any personality" and that hurt but when I thought about it he is probably right, so stung am I from rejections, so shot is my confidence I really don't know what to say because everything I have said in the past has always been interpreted the wrong way so its easier just to say nothing.

OK, is this you?

 

 

• I try to be who someone wants me to be.
  
• am afraid to rock the boat.
  
• It is hard for me to know what I want.
  
• I avoid speaking my mind.
  
• I find it easier to go along with what someone wants or with their opinion.
  
• I fantasize about a strong person taking over my life and making it work.
  
• It is hard for me to express my feelings when they are different from someone I’m close to.
  
• It is difficult for me to say No.
  
• I avoid getting angry.
  
• It is hard for me to take initiative.
  
• I try to be nice rather than expressing how I really feel.
  
• I want everyone to get along.
  

[NuevoYorko]

Let me address one thing here.

 

 

Therapy is an absolute waste of money par excellence. To sit an be judged by a person and pay them to do, no thanks I have far better things to do. To have every thing dissected by someone you cant question? No thanks.

 

 

I'd rather pay for the company of a pay date and get some benefit out of it than listen to someone telling me how I should do this and that and why I am wrong.

 

This right here illustrates exactly why you are and shall remain where you are right now.

 

Edited to add, also, this:

 

I am simply not prepared to modify my behaviour to fit in with what society thinks I need to be, I will continue to be this kind giving, honest, generous guy who doesn't drink an does sit around with the guys and critique the bust of every girl walking past. Sorry that isn't me.

Edited October 2, 2016 by NuevoYorko

[ZA Dater]

What do you mean exactly by 'serious look'?

Do you always wear suits and ties? (I know you don't and won't wear jeans - which is a universally know bit of kit for 'casual appearance')

 

Do you rarely smile?

Is your resting face the problem here? We all have one! We all engage muscles to make ourselves look brighter. You do that too right?

 

Hopefully these are the correct questions.

 

 

In terms of dress sense am casual but fairly smart, working out has given me some more muscle tone and from wearing baggy clothes I am now (for the last year) been wearing better fitting clothes. I think I look much better and most people seem to agree.

 

 

It would be true to say I don't smile often. I really don't know what you mean about making myself look brighter? Truthfully I don't.