Online dating is so depressing

[Els]

I guess I just don't like the idea in general of how money more than anything else plays a part in whether you can get a girlfriend or not. It's like everything about you as a person can be perfect yet if you don't meet their standards in terms of money you're not seen as good enough. That's why I keep saying if I made good money, than all of a sudden my options would skyrocket compared to my options now. It would just leave me feeling a bit of unease since if I for instance changed my online profile & put that I'm a dentist or something than all of a sudden magically I'm good enough just like that to way more women.

 

It's interesting how you seem to think there's no middle ground between not making enough to even live independently from your parents, and making 6 figures . You really need to be making at LEAST $100k/year for there to be even the slightest risk of someone being with you solely for your money. Seriously. No gold-digger is going to bother with someone who's making $50k/year, just enough for basic stuff like living independently in decent accommodation, going out sometimes, and saving for retirement. How about you start aiming for something like that?

 

And I know complaining doesn't do anything but it's just depressing to see how due to something I have no control over disqualifies me from so many women right off the bat. It's almost like women don't want me to be comfortable in my own skin if they view me as beneath them due to literally something I can't change no matter what I do.

 

There are things you can do that are completely within your control, you're just making excuses for not doing them.

[NJ123]

I may be wrong, but I don't think anyone is telling you to date women you're not attracted to. I think people are trying to get you to take steps so that you will be more appealing to the women you ARE attracted to.

 

You seem to think this only means being tall and/or having a high-paying job. But we've surmised that it's your bad attitude about all this that's keeping you back. Must we go over this for another 16 pages?

 

As I've stated I don't have a bad attitude with people in real life. I just come on here to vent frustrations about things, but I'm completely laid back in real life. And I only mentioned the height thing because of how match.com most women state their preference for taller men.

[losangelena]

Again, no one is saying you need to force yourself to date women you're not attracted to. Who is saying that?

[NJ123]

It's interesting how you seem to think there's no middle ground between not making enough to even live independently from your parents, and making 6 figures . You really need to be making at LEAST $100k/year for there to be even the slightest risk of someone being with you solely for your money. Seriously. No gold-digger is going to bother with someone who's making $50k/year, just enough for basic stuff like living independently in decent accommodation, going out sometimes, and saving for retirement. How about you start aiming for something like that?

 

 

 

There are things you can do that are completely within your control, you're just making excuses for not doing them.

 

I stated a lot of things the other day out of frustration. But what it all comes down to is that I'd just want a woman to be with me because they genuinely like me & not for any other reason.

 

And I'm really going to try working on it. I have a lot on my plate these days so it's just going to take some time. I'm looking into going back to school in the winter.

[NJ123]

Again, no one is saying you need to force yourself to date women you're not attracted to. Who is saying that?

 

Just look in my other thread. There's a bunch of people in there stating I'd have to lower my standards & to accept that the women I want don't want me so I have to get with women where there's little to no attraction.

[Els]

I stated a lot of things the other day out of frustration. But what it all comes down to is that I'd just want a woman to be with me because they genuinely like me & not for any other reason.

 

If someone is with you when you're making just enough to live independently, chances are she genuinely likes you. Gold-diggers go for really rich dudes, stuff like luxury cruises and jewellery and fancy cars. What is so hard to understand about that? Going by your logic, should everyone be the absolute WORST they can be - put on 200 lbs, not bathe for weeks at a time, and live with their parents - just so they can be '100% sure that they like me for me'? Come on...

 

Edit: Happy to see you are going to try working on it. Just bear in mind that the longer you postpone sorting your career/living situation out, the longer you'll be without a partner.

[NJ123]

If someone is with you when you're making just enough to live independently, chances are she genuinely likes you. Gold-diggers go for really rich dudes, stuff like luxury cruises and jewellery and fancy cars. What is so hard to understand about that? Going by your logic, should everyone be the absolute WORST they can be - put on 200 lbs, not bathe for weeks at a time, and live with their parents - just so they can be '100% sure that they like me for me'? Come on...

 

Edit: Happy to see you are going to try working on it. Just bear in mind that the longer you postpone sorting your career/living situation out, the longer you'll be without a partner.

 

So you're saying I'd have absolutely little to no chance of being with anyone within the next few years as I'm in school & living with parents?

[ChickiePops]

What are you even talking about? I'm not expecting anything from anyone. If you're just going to state stupid comments than I don't want you posting in my thread. I want serious responses.

 

I'm referring to your previous thread. You said you don't think you should be judged on your height but it's ok for you to judge women on their faces.

 

If you don't want to lower your standards then lower your standards, but then don't expect women to lower theirs for you.

[NJ123]

I'm referring to your previous thread. You said you don't think you should be judged on your height but it's ok for you to judge women on their faces.

 

If you don't want to lower your standards then lower your standards, but then don't expect women to lower theirs for you.

 

Because it's ridiculous to compare ugly women to good looking short men. And I'm not expecting anything from anyone. I'd just simply want to be with a woman I'm personally attracted to. What is so wrong about that?

[Els]

So you're saying I'd have absolutely little to no chance of being with anyone within the next few years as I'm in school & living with parents?

 

If I was in my 30s, living with my parents, and still in school... I would focus on my career first, yes. There is a huge difference between doing that in your early 20s, and doing that in your 30s. If you have postponed your career til this age, you just have to put in some extra legwork to get yourself back on track before you can or should expect to date seriously, IMO.

[losangelena]

I wish you would stop with this.

 

Stop ruminating on what women supposedly want.

 

Focus instead on thinking about what it is YOU bring to a relationship. And I mean beyond looks and money.

 

Are you smart? Are you funny? Do you have a desire to really get to know a woman? To make her laugh and feel safe and secure?

 

I have a feeling you are fixated on what YOU can get from a relationship, and how YOUR life might be improved, instead of focusing on what you can give to another person.

 

Start there.

 

I think a lot of men your age are at a point where the desire to be coupled up, to "uncleave" from the family unit and strike out on their own, is the fuel that drives their motivation to work, to advance, to succeed. I think THAT is what women are preternaturally drawn to. It's not a figure on a pay stub or a figure on a height chart. It's, do you have drive? Are you going to be able to provide for me when we start a family unit and I have kids? Are you prepared to prioritize the family unit? Are you going to do what it takes?

 

Does that make sense?

 

A lot of men I know, when they meet a woman they like, WANT to take care of her. They want to provide for her. I once got my car towed at my ex-boyfriend's apartment complex. He took it upon himself to pay for over half of the impound cost, not because I couldn't take care of it myself, but because he didn't like to see me in distress, and he wanted to step in and take care of the problem. He was protective of me, he really WANTED to take care of me. He wasn't worried about whether or not I was "using him" for his money. His desire to contribute came out of the care and love that we had for each other.

 

Where is your drive? Why are you content to stay at your parents' place? I feel like you are missing crucial steps here. A relationship doesn't just fall into your lap. I think a real relationship is a byproduct of stepping into adulthood, of doing that hard work of being a mature person who has their ish together. That's not to say that immature and/or "in progress" people don't find love—they do. I just feel like there's a disconnect for you.

Edited September 18, 2016 by losangelena

[NJ123]

If I was in my 30s, living with my parents, and still in school... I would focus on my career first, yes. There is a huge difference between doing that in your early 20s, and doing that in your 30s. If you have postponed your career til this age, you just have to put in some extra legwork to get yourself back on track before you can or should expect to date seriously, IMO.

 

I get that & I agree in a lot of ways, but it's going to be held against me for being even older than I am now with no experience is where a big problem lies. There's a big difference of a guy in his 30s in this scenario that has experience than one with little to no experience.

[Blanco]

So you're saying I'd have absolutely little to no chance of being with anyone within the next few years as I'm in school & living with parents?

 

It's not impossible, but it shouldn't be a priority. Finding a girlfriend isn't like running to the grocery store to get a quart of milk. It's not like combing the classifieds for a job.

 

You strike me as someone who excessively analyzes everything and, in turns, gets very little done. Paralysis by analysis.

[Els]

I get that & I agree in a lot of ways, but it's going to be held against me for being even older than I am now with no experience is where a big problem lies. There's a big difference of a guy in his 30s in this scenario that has experience than one with little to no experience.

 

While there will be women who won't date a 30+ yo guy with no experience, I'm pretty sure they are FAR fewer in number than the women who won't date a 30+ yo guy with no career and who is living with his parents. The former odds might be 50/50, whereas with the latter you're probably looking at 95/5.

[Blanco]

I get that & I agree in a lot of ways, but it's going to be held against me for being even older than I am now with no experience is where a big problem lies. There's a big difference of a guy in his 30s in this scenario that has experience than one with little to no experience.

 

Have you noticed that no matter what anyone says, you return to your set of stock answers and reasons why you're in the situation that you're in?

 

Focus on getting a decent job and getting your own place. THAT will be more appealing to a woman than a guy who maybe got laid once or had a relationship but lives with his parents and works a crappy job.

 

edit: Elswyth beat me to it.

[NJ123]

Ridiculous to you, maybe. Not to the women who prefer to date a taller guy, and have the option to do so. Why should they date you? Because of your great career? Also, women want to look at a guy and think "man." You are a short little guy, with a crap job, living with his parents. If you were in your early 20's that might be ok, but post 30? Not a chance. Most decent, attractive, dateable women will pass on you. Your attitude just makes things 10X worse.

 

 

 

What do you not understand here? You want pretty girl. Pretty girl thinks she can do better. You refuse to date anyone other than pretty girl, but pretty girl won't date you.

 

And than answer the topic at hand. Tell me how am I supposed to force myself to date someone I'm not attracted to? Even if I get a better job & move out it's still going to be held against me for being an even older guy with no experience. So I can't win either way. What woman is going to want a guy in his mid 30s that's never had a relationship?

[NJ123]

It's not impossible, but it shouldn't be a priority. Finding a girlfriend isn't like running to the grocery store to get a quart of milk. It's not like combing the classifieds for a job.

 

You strike me as someone who excessively analyzes everything and, in turns, gets very little done. Paralysis by analysis.

 

But the thing is it's almost impossible to not think about wanting to be with someone when I always see couples together. I try to not think about it than it just starts all over again. Relationships are supposed to be a natural & big part of life, not something that's supposed to bring out negative feelings.

[losangelena]

Look at it like a Venn diagram.

 

There ARE women who will date a 30 year old with no experience; I know, I did.

 

There are also women who you will find attractive, for whatever reasons you give to find someone attractive.

 

The trick is finding women who fall where those circles overlap. I personally don't think it's impossible. Just more difficult. That's why people keep telling you to finish your degree or try and get a better job or (at the very least) move out of your parents' house.

 

Most women (not all) who are your age have been independent for maybe five to ten years by now. I can't imagine many of them are going to want to go backwards. Who is going to want to come spend the night with you knowing your parents could hear you? By 30, a lot of women are looking to settle down and start families. That costs MONEY. That's not gold-digging, that's being practical. Even on double incomes, raising kids is hard. If you're twiddling your thumbs with no further career aspirations, you're like a lame duck.

 

And that's what I don't understand, is why you don't seem to want that for yourself. Don't you want to be in a position to raise a family? Or at least be in a position where you can financially be on your own, living alone and able to do whatever you want? Trust me, as someone who historically has never made a lot of money, having the freedom to do things (whatever they may be) is very nice.

 

Look. I know what it feels like to feel "behind." I'm 36, and am just starting what I suppose is my third career. I'm doing something completely distinct from what I've done previously for work. It has set me back from where I'd probably be if I'd picked something right out of college and stuck with it. As such, I don't make as much as a lot of women my age. I also only got my first serious BF when I was 34. He didn't have much experience at the time, either. All I'm saying, is that these come for different people at different times.

 

Instead of focusing on what you DON'T have (a relationship; experience), focus instead, again, on how you can live the life you want. It certainly doesn't involve whinging about the position you find yourself in, which is completely self-made.

[NJ123]

While there will be women who won't date a 30+ yo guy with no experience, I'm pretty sure they are FAR fewer in number than the women who won't date a 30+ yo guy with no career and who is living with his parents. The former odds might be 50/50, whereas with the latter you're probably looking at 95/5.

 

So you think women with a lot of options would be willing to date an inexperienced guy in his 30s?

[Blanco]

But the thing is it's almost impossible to not think about wanting to be with someone when I always see couples together. I try to not think about it than it just starts all over again. Relationships are supposed to be a natural & big part of life, not something that's supposed to bring out negative feelings.

 

Well, get over it. Your attitude sucks.

 

Relationships are a big part of life, but they are not the only part of life. Yet for whatever reason, that is what you seem most preoccupied with. If you took even half of the time and mental energy you've spent on this quest for a girlfriend, you'd probably have your bachelor's degree, your own place, and a better job.

 

I've been single for nearly two years. Sure, I miss the companionship and the perks that usually come with a relationship. But I'm also well aware that there was so much about myself and my life that needed to be worked on for my own sake that relationships and dating in general became a low priority for me.

[Blanco]

So you think women with a lot of options would be willing to date an inexperienced guy in his 30s?

 

Probably more so than dating the guy in his 30s who says, "OK, but we need to be quiet or we'll wake up my parents."

[Blanco]

Because it's ridiculous to compare ugly women to good looking short men. And I'm not expecting anything from anyone. I'd just simply want to be with a woman I'm personally attracted to. What is so wrong about that?

 

Nothing. Just like there's nothing wrong with a woman not wanting to date some manlet.

[Blanco]

Here's something I wish someone had told me and really driven into my head when I was 10 years younger: Nobody likes whiners. People don't like aimless, excuse-making, professional victims. People don't like blame-shifters who wouldn't hold themselves accountable for anything if you held a gun to their head.

 

These people are emotionally draining. They aren't pleasant to spend much time with. They will chip away at you until you feel like your soul has been greyed out. God help a person if they dare enter a relationship or marriage with a person like this.

 

My life is not perfect. We have more in common than you may think. But I will tell you this: My life has vastly improved since I really processed and accepted that there are some things I cannot change and there are things I can change. In either case, sitting around pissing and moaning about how unfair something is doesn't accomplish anything but to make you a little more bitter and a little less appealing to other people.

[ChickiePops]

Because it's ridiculous to compare ugly women to good looking short men. And I'm not expecting anything from anyone. I'd just simply want to be with a woman I'm personally attracted to. What is so wrong about that?

 

Looks are objective. You may think you're good looking but others might not. Just like you may think a woman is ugly and someone else might find her attractive.

 

As I said, don't date women who you're not attracted to, but on the flip side, don't expect women who aren't attracted to you to date you.

 

I'd like to know what else you bring to the table too. Full package - what makes you boyfriend material?

[Buddhist]

It seems people here think since the women I find attractive don't want anything to do with me, I need to lower my standards to the point of where there's little/no attraction to them. How am I supposed to force myself to do that?

 

Don't know. I have the same issue, not so much they aren't interested but it takes me about half a decade to find anyone I'm interested in. Therefore I wait, and go without sex for long periods of time.

 

The other side of your equation is that you could raise your quality until they are interested. All your experience is really telling you is that as you are right now, these women aren't interested in you. We all have the power to change ourselves to some degree.

 

Or.....you could keep going as you are and continue posting complaints about it on the internet and have nothing in your life change. Since you don't like the advice women give why not listen to the advice of men who are dating the kind of women you want to date.

 

When expectations don't meet with reality, one of them has to change. If you are waiting for the world around you to change then you may as well join all those other people looking for unicorns. People with options generally exercise them and choose their best option.

Edited September 18, 2016 by Buddhist