I had an affair and regret it [updated]

[Mrs. John Adams]

You have never answered my question from an earlier posting, did you have sex with O/M in your home? If you answered and I missed it I apologize but where and when you did the deed can make a huge difference. It takes a long time for the loving, best mother, greatest lasagna maker on the planet to override the bi*ch who cheated on me with some looser. The relationship will fail unless you can make him feel safe. How bad do you want the relationship?

 

AA...There are a lot of questions that have been asked that she has not answered. It could be SHE doesn't feel safe in answering personal questions...especially after she was kindof raked over the coals about his reactions.

 

I think she wants the relationship really bad...don't you? She is here...she is in therapy....she has read the main books....she says she is willing to do whatever it takes...

 

I think that's a pretty good indication that she wants it bad....

 

But in reality...I guess it doesn't matter what i think...all that matters is what her husband thinks.

[Wade Lamare]

Tiggers happen....yes for both of us

 

but Triggers do not equal OM

 

Tiggers make me think of feelings....loss...sadness....but not of a person.

 

Do you see what i am saying?

 

Yes, understand what you are saying.

 

A bit frustrating that I don't have the writing smarts to put my point across in an understandable manner.

[Wade Lamare]

AA...There are a lot of questions that have been asked that she has not answered. It could be SHE doesn't feel safe in answering personal questions...especially after she was kindof raked over the coals about his reactions.

 

I think she wants the relationship really bad...don't you? She is here...she is in therapy....she has read the main books....she says she is willing to do whatever it takes...

 

I think that's a pretty good indication that she wants it bad....

 

But in reality...I guess it doesn't matter what i think...all that matters is what her husband thinks.

 

I also think that there is a tendency for the OP in these various threads to be overwhelmed, or at least feel overwhelmed, by question after question. People shaking their fist at them and shouting "burn you witch", peeps telling them that they're losers because they didn't expose or do this and that immediately etc.

Emotionally they are in one of the worst situations they have been in their whole life be they WS or BS. It's little wonder that the odd question or point gets missed occasionally.

[Wade Lamare]

Ws2016,

 

In an attempt to understand the family dynamic prior to the affair, you mention that your marriage already had some problems and that there was a disconnect.

If you're comfortable to explain further would you mind expanding on what the disconnect comprised of?

 

To the best of your knowledge did your hubby feel the same disconnect?

 

I hate these generalisations but often we hear of the WW saying "I told you and told you I was unhappy!" Whereupon the BH scratches his head and says "Eh? When?"

[Mr. Lucky]

Emotionally they are in one of the worst situations they have been in their whole life be they WS or BS. It's little wonder that the odd question or point gets missed occasionally.

 

I'm also not sure why posters think they're due information or answers beyond what an OP is comfortable providing. No one is appearing here under subpoena, this isn't a deposition...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ws2016]

AA...There are a lot of questions that have been asked that she has not answered. It could be SHE doesn't feel safe in answering personal questions...especially after she was kindof raked over the coals about his reactions.

 

I think she wants the relationship really bad...don't you? She is here...she is in therapy....she has read the main books....she says she is willing to do whatever it takes...

 

I think that's a pretty good indication that she wants it bad....

 

But in reality...I guess it doesn't matter what i think...all that matters is what her husband thinks.

16 pages I am sure I missed some questions. No, it was not in our home.

[Ws2016]

Ws2016,

 

In an attempt to understand the family dynamic prior to the affair, you mention that your marriage already had some problems and that there was a disconnect.

If you're comfortable to explain further would you mind expanding on what the disconnect comprised of?

 

To the best of your knowledge did your hubby feel the same disconnect?

 

I hate these generalisations but often we hear of the WW saying "I told you and told you I was unhappy!" Whereupon the BH scratches his head and says "Eh? When?"

Yes I get that! We got married very quickly after meeting and we did not set a good foundation for our marriage. We got pregnant right away and totally put 100% focus on our kids. We never made time for each other, we bickered over stupid things, he was miserable a lot over nothing. Just in a bad mood (he has his own things to work on) he made the money and it was HIS money so we did not have a partnership, we never did anything with each other, we didn't fulfil each other's needs, I just ignored him, he put work first, we didn't go on dates, we didn't gave fun together. We basically were roomates co-parenting. I told him one day that this was not a marriage and it was unhealthy. I got very sick from stress quite a few times over this and told him that we need to change things and go to therapy and be serious or I couldn't be married anymore. I told him I was absolutely miserable. I used those exact words. He agreed to therapy. We went twice, he got a new position and basically said therapy wasn't going to happen because it didn't fit into his schedule. That is when I pretty much snapped. I felt trapped in this marriage that I was unhappy in. I love this man with all my heart though. I was so hurt and in so much pain after that. I felt like I just had a breakdown. So, I guess in my mind our marriage was over but I couldn't leave because I have no money and I have children. He showed me I was not worth putting in the effort. I also had lost about 20lbs and physically I was feeling really good. I tried to get his attention. (Sending sexy texts, showing him my butt, things like that) he was like "yeah you look good" but he said it how the moms at school said it. Not like how a husband should tell his wife. I felt so rejected. There was total disconnect. So, when someone else gave me the attention I so desperately wanted from my husband, I took it. It was the absolute WRONG way to handle it. The reason I haven't typed all this out is because people are going to jump on me and say I am using those reasons as an excuse to have my affair. I want to point out clearly that those are the reasons that lead me to the affair yes, but my actions are 100% my fault. Nobody pushed me into it. It was me and only me and I do take full responsibility for what I did.

After this happened he was like "what? Why" but after he calmed down even he said he understood what lead me down that road and he cried and actually apologized for not giving me what I needed for years. I mean YEARS. This went on for about 8 years. Hardly any sex, no talking, it was a competion on who was not giving the other what they needed more, controlling with money. I mean, yes it was bad! But, now all these things have came out after the affair. Nothing hits you like a ton of bricks and makes you reevaluate your entire relationship like an affair does! We have finally opened up, the walls are down, we have cried together, apologized to each other about the past, we are finally being honest with each other, we have never talked in all our years of marriage like we talk now. So, that's why I am holding onto some hope. I never NOT wanted my marriage so badky. I did and I do now more then ever. It was years and years of neglect and unfortunately made me act out in a very unhealthy way. I truly felt stuck. I did it for some release. I did it because I felt so terrible that those few moments of the OM telling me I was just about the best thing in the world and I was so beautiful I felt good again. For brief moments. I didn't think of anything else but how good it felt. That is why it's such a selfish act. Because nothing else matters at those moments. I felt a connection with this man. One I hadn't felt in a very very long time. It sucked me right in and I was weak and selfish and acted in it. I will regret my actions and his I hurt my husband and family every single day. It was the wrong way to deal with it.

Edited September 11, 2016 by Ws2016

[BluesPower]

I totally understand that this type of a situation can lead to an affair.

 

As you know, the affair is 100% your wrong choice. But, I will never understand how man or woman can allow their job and persona status to come before their wife or husband.

 

I see this all the time. I hate it when a married woman comes on to me because I know that this is what is going on in most cases.

 

And since going straight, all I can do for them it give them tips on how to improve things.

 

I think you are doing OK. Just stick with what you are doing, and learn all you can and see what happens.

 

Hang in there...

[Wade Lamare]

Ok, some good info there for the people on this forum to work on.

 

Unfortunately for you, although your frustration with the state of your marriage oozes out of the screen, your introduction of the affair complicates the hell out of it. And I really think the affair needs addressing first before the state of the marriage prior to the affair.

 

Your marriage was limping along with two flat tires but the affair broke the axle and it ain't going anywhere until the axle is repaired.

 

A common saying is both of you have 50/50 responsibility for the state of the marriage, you have 100% responsibility for the affair.

 

Just one point, you mention a lack of intimacy.

 

From the sound of it your hubby has quite a demanding job and is frequently tired? Perhaps he gets very little exercise?

 

Now I'm not an expert, doctor or anything like that so take this with a big pinch of salt. If your hubby has a stressful, tiring and demanding job and is not getting good sleep that can adversely affect his testosterone level.

As I say, not an internet diagnosis, merely airing this as a vague possibility. I have seen this on other forums and that once the hormonal imbalance is medically corrected the hubby becomes a different person. I've seen quotes like "I feel like a teenager again, I can't leave the wife alone."

 

Probably not a good idea to ask him directly to see a doctor to get his testosterone level checked as that will be very offensive to him following your affair.

[Ws2016]

Ok, some good info there for the people on this forum to work on.

 

Unfortunately for you, although your frustration with the state of your marriage oozes out of the screen, your introduction of the affair complicates the hell out of it. And I really think the affair needs addressing first before the state of the marriage prior to the affair.

 

Your marriage was limping along with two flat tires but the affair broke the axle and it ain't going anywhere until the axle is repaired.

 

A common saying is both of you have 50/50 responsibility for the state of the marriage, you have 100% responsibility for the affair.

 

Just one point, you mention a lack of intimacy.

 

From the sound of it your hubby has quite a demanding job and is frequently tired? Perhaps he gets very little exercise?

 

Now I'm not an expert, doctor or anything like that so take this with a big pinch of salt. If your hubby has a stressful, tiring and demanding job and is not getting good sleep that can adversely affect his testosterone level.

As I say, not an internet diagnosis, merely airing this as a vague possibility. I have seen this on other forums and that once the hormonal imbalance is medically corrected the hubby becomes a different person. I've seen quotes like "I feel like a teenager again, I can't leave the wife alone."

 

Probably not a good idea to ask him directly to see a doctor to get his testosterone level checked as that will be very offensive to him following your affair.

 

Good points! I had mentioned this before to him. He does have a high demand job. However, he worked from home for a year and a half. He slept in, took naps, went to the gym. He is a former athlete and always exercises. I am not saying that's NOT it. I'm just saying he has time for everything else. I think we were just so disconnected that sex was just awkward when it did happen.

 

I agree wholeheartedly. The affair needs to be addressed first. We have to get through this crisis first (if we can) no reason to bring all that up now.

Edited September 11, 2016 by Ws2016

[Mrs. John Adams]

Well...I will admit ...my first reaction to your post is what are you trying to salvage?

 

You see...now I fear that the foundation required for reconciliation is not there....and has never been apart of your relationship.

 

I don't think you realize the enormity of the task before you....and with no foundation to build on...it will be nearly impossible to achieve.

 

You see...Most preinfidelity marriages are good. A firm foundation is built and as the years go by...something wanes in the relationship...a crack forms....and infidelity can certainly happen. The foundation is still there for the "new" relationship to build on.

 

In your case...there was never a firm foundation to begin with. The marriage has always been on shaky ground...so a collapse was almost inevitable. This marriage was built on resentment...lack of communication....little intimacy...on and on.

 

Reconciliation is difficult...not only do you have to deal with the dynamics of a dysfunctional marriage...it is now compounded with the infidelity.

 

I am not saying reconciliation is not possible....but I will be honest with you and tell you that you will be trying to save a rubber raft with a thousand holes in it...and while you can start patching those holes...you will be bailing out the water ...and it might just be way too much work to keep it afloat. You might be better off to buy a whole new boat.

 

I believe in Reconciliation...but sometimes...Divorce is the right answer..and the one point I want you to understand is this...

 

Whether a couple attempts reconciliation or whether they divorce...lessons can be learned and applied...and we can grow individually from those lessons. We can become better people...wiser people...more compassionate people.

 

It does not have to leave us bitter.

 

Please answer these questions....

 

How old are you?

How long have you been married?

How many children do you have? and what are their ages?

 

The answers to these questions help those of us following this thread to better understand the dynamics.

[road]

AA...There are a lot of questions that have been asked that she has not answered. It could be SHE doesn't feel safe in answering personal questions...especially after she was kindof raked over the coals about his reactions.

 

I think she wants the relationship really bad...don't you? She is here...she is in therapy....she has read the main books....she says she is willing to do whatever it takes...

 

I think that's a pretty good indication that she wants it bad....

 

But in reality...I guess it doesn't matter what i think...all that matters is what her husband thinks.

 

I also think that there is a tendency for the OP in these various threads to be overwhelmed, or at least feel overwhelmed, by question after question. People shaking their fist at them and shouting "burn you witch", peeps telling them that they're losers because they didn't expose or do this and that immediately etc.

Emotionally they are in one of the worst situations they have been in their whole life be they WS or BS. It's little wonder that the odd question or point gets missed occasionally.

 

 

 

Where did the WS have sex with the AP is not the odd question. Aliveagain knows why he asked it.

 

 

Where did the banging take place is a very important question.

 

 

Many a BH made their WW get rid of all the clothes that she wore on her dates with her OM because they were constant daily reminders of what they did.

 

 

Many a BH made their WW sell her car because of what the WW and the OM did in that car. Quite often it has been a new car where selling it left them upside down value wise.

 

 

Many a BH took their bedroom set, sofa, dining room table into the back yard and had a barn fire because they could never use these things again let alone let them continue to be daily triggers of what their WW did with the OM on them.

 

 

Many a BH could not even recover in that house because of what the WW and OM did in that house. Even after the BH burnt every piece of furniture and strip of clothing the WW had in that barn fire because that house was still too much of a trigger because of what the OM and the WW did in that house.

 

 

Lots of recoveries stalled even when nothing happened in the house because they still lived to close to the OM. Not until they moved far away were the BH and WW able work on recovery and save their marriage.

 

 

People that do not understand or have the knowledge of why a question is asked should not trivialize the question.

[Ws2016]

Well...I will admit ...my first reaction to your post is what are you trying to salvage?

 

You see...now I fear that the foundation required for reconciliation is not there....and has never been apart of your relationship.

 

I don't think you realize the enormity of the task before you....and with no foundation to build on...it will be nearly impossible to achieve.

 

You see...Most preinfidelity marriages are good. A firm foundation is built and as the years go by...something wanes in the relationship...a crack forms....and infidelity can certainly happen. The foundation is still there for the "new" relationship to build on.

 

In your case...there was never a firm foundation to begin with. The marriage has always been on shaky ground...so a collapse was almost inevitable. This marriage was built on resentment...lack of communication....little intimacy...on and on.

 

Reconciliation is difficult...not only do you have to deal with the dynamics of a dysfunctional marriage...it is now compounded with the infidelity.

 

I am not saying reconciliation is not possible....but I will be honest with you and tell you that you will be trying to save a rubber raft with a thousand holes in it...and while you can start patching those holes...you will be bailing out the water ...and it might just be way too much work to keep it afloat. You might be better off to buy a whole new boat.

 

I believe in Reconciliation...but sometimes...Divorce is the right answer..and the one point I want you to understand is this...

 

Whether a couple attempts reconciliation or whether they divorce...lessons can be learned and applied...and we can grow individually from those lessons. We can become better people...wiser people...more compassionate people.

 

It does not have to leave us bitter.

 

Please answer these questions....

 

How old are you?

How long have you been married?

How many children do you have? and what are their ages?

 

The answers to these questions help those of us following this thread to better understand the dynamics.

 

Mid 40's 2 kids, 12 years married and 8 and 11.

 

Yeah, things are not good. I don't know if it can be saved. He is in angry mood again. He went to my best friends ex husbands bar last night. This person has called me names, he lied to other people and said I was sleeping with other people (he totally lied! It was one person one time) I told my H this after it happened and he said "well I will never talk to him again" then he goes back there last night because he didn't want to be alone. I told him I felt like that was disrespectful. He said his dare I talk about disrespect after what I did. Two wrongs don't make a right but he seems to feel like I have no right to feel like he is hurting me or doing disrespectful things because what I did was so much worse. So here we are. The "competition" again. "You hurt me worse so you have no right to say anything" I don't know. I'm trying but it's an uphill battle for sure.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Where did the WS have sex with the AP is not the odd question. Aliveagain knows why he asked it.

 

 

Where did the banging take place is a very important question.

 

 

Many a BH made their WW get rid of all the clothes that she wore on her dates with her OM because they were constant daily reminders of what they did.

 

 

Many a BH made their WW sell her car because of what the WW and the OM did in that car. Quite often it has been a new car where selling it left them upside down value wise.

 

 

Many a BH took their bedroom set, sofa, dining room table into the back yard and had a barn fire because they could never use these things again let alone let them continue to be daily triggers of what their WW did with the OM on them.

 

 

Many a BH could not even recover in that house because of what the WW and OM did in that house. Even after the BH burnt every piece of furniture and strip of clothing the WW had in that barn fire because that house was still too much of a trigger because of what the OM and the WW did in that house.

 

 

Lots of recoveries stalled even when nothing happened in the house because they still lived to close to the OM. Not until they moved far away were the BH and WW able work on recovery and save their marriage.

 

 

People that do not understand or have the knowledge of why a question is asked should not trivialize the question.

 

Well...not sure why you think I was opposed to his asking the question where did you have sex...was an invalid question. I did not address it at all. I addressed his question of how bad to you want to save your marriage....

 

It most certainly is important where she screwed the other guy....and I would not say otherwise.

 

Guess you missed my whole point.....

[road]

Good points! I had mentioned this before to him. He does have a high demand job. However, he worked from home for a year and a half. He slept in, took naps, went to the gym. He is a former athlete and always exercises. I am not saying that's NOT it. I'm just saying he has time for everything else. I think we were just so disconnected that sex was just awkward when it did happen.

 

I agree wholeheartedly. The affair needs to be addressed first. We have to get through this crisis first (if we can) no reason to bring all that up now.

 

 

No they both need to be worked on at the same time.

 

 

Unless the reconnection is made between the BS and the WS the marriage can never be recovered into a healthy marriage.

 

 

This is why many times the BS and the WS have hysterical bonding to repair the broken romantic connection.

 

 

In the beginning the work to rebuild the romantic connection can be repaired without sex. The WS and BS need to court each other. They must set aside at least 15 hours a week of quality us alone time. Going on dates doing fun activities. Being loving and romantic with each other, sharing and enjoying activities as how the connection gets repaired. No affair talk during these times is allowed.

 

 

Because how can new good memories be built when the ugly past is being brought up? They can't.

 

 

This is why once all of the affair has been discussed and all of the BS's questions have been answered affair talk needs to end. This is best done cutting it back.

 

 

UA/us alone dates can easily take up 4 to 5 days a week. So if no affair talk on those days it forces the those talks to 2 to 3 days a week.

 

 

Eventually the BS sees that you know I can survive 2 days in a row not talking about the affair. Then it becomes easier to limit it to 1 day a week. To were the BS sees that nothing knew is being said why talk about it any more it is not helping me and it is hurting my spouse now. He realizes why abuse ourselves.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Mid 40's 2 kids, 12 years married and 8 and 11.

 

Yeah, things are not good. I don't know if it can be saved. He is in angry mood again. He went to my best friends ex husbands bar last night. This person has called me names, he lied to other people and said I was sleeping with other people (he totally lied! It was one person one time) I told my H this after it happened and he said "well I will never talk to him again" then he goes back there last night because he didn't want to be alone. I told him I felt like that was disrespectful. He said his dare I talk about disrespect after what I did. Two wrongs don't make a right but he seems to feel like I have no right to feel like he is hurting me or doing disrespectful things because what I did was so much worse. So here we are. The "competition" again. "You hurt me worse so you have no right to say anything" I don't know. I'm trying but it's an uphill battle for sure.

 

Well first...thank you for answering my questions.

 

You are older than I thought you were....and your kids are bigger than I thought they were. So clarifying that for me helps me understand the dynamics a bit more.

 

You say you have been married 12 years....and for the past 8 years you have basically unhappily cohabited with this man....

 

By your own admission...you have never been happy in your relationship....and have considered divorce for many years.

 

I think at this point....attempting to reconcile is almost pointless...and It is not easy for me to say that. I have lived a lifetime of reconciliation....and it is extremely difficult...even in the best of circumstances....and unfortunately...your situation is not a good one.

 

Clearly your husband does not respect you at this point....and i can tell you that even though my husband was very hurt...devastated really...by my actions...it was very obvious to me that he loved me and wanted me.

 

Had I felt...in any way... after I confessed...that he no longer cared for me...I would have left.

 

You see...it was HIS love for me...that held us together. I don't know anyone here on LS personally. But the one thing I do see in the successful reconciliations here...is that the betrayed spouse....held the relationship together after the infidelity occurred.

 

What I mean by that is this.....

 

Almost in every case....obviously....the wayward spouse was willing to sacrifice the relationship...for whatever reason. It was the STRENGTH and the LOVE and the PATIENCE of the betrayed in nearly every case....that held the relationship together post affair.

 

It was the betrayed who ultimately has made the greatest sacrifice. They...in spite of being disrespected in the worst way possible....loved and respected their wayward enough...to swallow their pride and remain by the waywards side....HOPING that the wayward would understand the severity of the damage they had caused...and help the betrayed to repair and rebuild the relationship.

 

This is no easy task....

 

I cannot express to you the admiration i have for those betrayed who have the wherewithal and the stamina to remain steadfast. It is almost incomprehensible to me.

 

I remember looking into my beloved husbands eyes...and even though i saw tremendous pain...I also saw love.

 

If your husband...doesn't love you....if he does not have the stamina to persevere in this path of reconciliation...there is nothing you can do...

 

and I will state that the road ahead is a very long one...

 

I would not give up just yet....there is still time...because after all...time is the one thing that remains.

 

The most important job you have right now...is to make your husband feel safe....and I don't know him...so I don't know what is required to achieve that safe place....and there honestly may be nothing you can do to provide that for him.

 

Transparency.....honesty....therapy....support....

 

and you seem to be attempting to do all of those things for him...but ultimately at the end of the day....it my not be enough.

 

My best wishes and thoughts are with you as well as my prayers for healing...for the both of you.

[understand50]

WS2016,

 

While I seem to be your booster, in all of this, I do not want you to think that I do not know just how hard your task in the foreseeable future is going to be. The fact that your husband does not seem to "value" you is not good. I think he "loves", you but does not "value" you, hence the living as roommates, and the disrespecting you at the bar. BTW, and not to make excises for him, this could be mostly alcohol talking. He does not seem to to really put in much thought into his actions and conversations, but lash out with what ever is in his mind at the time.

 

If I was you, the first thing I would do is really look at your marriage, and work on all fronts. You say that you both are finally talking, OK good, but he needs to know that making things up about you is unacceptable, and while he has a good reason to divorce, this is a two way decision. No reason in the world why you cannot not file yourself, citing his treatment of you. Keep this in mind, as what could be happening is he has no intention of filing himself, but is not above making a little "hell" for you as payback. Do not let him do so. Remember, this is a partnership and if he cannot treat you with respect, while mad at you, you do not have to put up with this, no matter what your actions were. You never know, the thought of losing his family, may make make him realize that he has to address all the issues in the marriage, and not believe that his pain and hurt overrides all.

 

My opinion, for what it is worth, is that you both need to find a way of interacting with each other in a positive way, past him being mad, and you trying to compensate. When my wife and I were on the verge of divorcing over her spending, we started date night, with the rule we were not going discusses anything "bad" but leave that to our "talks". I know this is simplistic, but sometimes the simple things work.

 

So, if I was you, I would work on doing things as a family to remind him what he is destroying, and also remind him that you are a human being and with free will, and while you have made a mistake, it does not give him leave to treat you with disrespect. Infidelity, is not a free ticket to bad behavior on the other side, and if a BS thinks it is, then it is time to end the marriage. If you are willing to spend the time to get him to see this basic fact, then you both may reconcile.

 

As for the advise, of your marriage is not worth saving that is for you and your husband to decide. Your marriage is worth saving as long as you think it is. What ever has gone on, or the problems and issue you both have, they are nothing new in human behavior.

 

Last thought, did you not think that one of the things your husband is really afraid of, is losing you and his family? His indifference to you in the past, shows that he is comfortable and liked it that way. Your "affair" shows him, you are not happy in the marriage, and now he needs to step up to the plate if he is to save all this. The fact that you are in the wrong for your infidelity, muddies the water, as his hurt and pain overlays the other marital issues. He, and you, are going to have to see the whole picture, and not just your cheating.

 

There is hope, if you want it.

 

As always, I wish you luck.........

[Mr Blunt]

By Mrs JA

In your case...there was never a firm foundation to begin with. The marriage has always been on shaky ground...so a collapse was almost inevitable. This marriage was built on resentment...lack of communication....little intimacy...on and on.

 

WS2016

Mrs JA bringing up the foundation is so extremely important; another great point by Mrs JA! In my case, in the first 2 years, we thought about each other and wanted to be together almost of the time. She was my only girlfriend as I was 18 years old and she was crazy about me as I was about her for the next 10 years and we created a foundational bond.

Because my wife and children was my number one, I left all my buddies and stopped that young man sowing wild oats crap. Of course we had hard feeling with each other from time to time but there was that foundation of love that always would bring us back together. In addition, it seemed that our personalities fit and our cultural ways fit like a glove. Having the same culture, the same spiritual beliefs, a love connection, compatible personalities, and having children made for a good foundation.

 

When she betrayed me 19 years later the marriage had some of the same situations that you had. Her betrayal shook our marriage like no other damage could have. However, we had that all important foundation to try to rebuild. So when Mrs. JA mentioned that foundation, it caught my attention. I believe that our foundation had a significant part in our R!

I do not know if you have a foundation or not nor do I know if you do not have a foundation that you and your husband cannot rebuild. You did tell us that the last 8 years of your marriage were pretty damaging but what about the first 4 years? Were you able to set a foundation?

 

 

 

I did notice that you said:

By Ws2016

“…but after he calmed down even he said he understood what lead me down that road and he cried and actually apologized for not giving me what I needed for years.”

We have finally opened up, the walls are down, we have cried together, apologized to each other about the past, we are finally being honest with each other; we have never talked in all our years of marriage like we talk now. So, that's why I am holding onto some hope.

I love this man with all my heart though.

 

 

 

The above appears, by both of you, to show some attitudes, communications, and understandings that are conducive to R. Of course there is a lot more to R than that but I can see why you have some hope. Are there other things that contributed to your foundation?

 

 

I think at this time you both are too hurt to help each other to any great degree. Of course you both need to be communicating to each other and giving encouragement, etc to each other when you can but you both will hurt each other from time to time like your husband just did by going to his friend’s house. I hope that you keep getting the right help from others so that you can better endure the hurts from your husband and yourself. If you both created a foundation in the first 4 years and both of you are willing to do the right work I am convinced that you can both make your marriage successful. I say that because I and my wife did that and my wife’s betrayal was worse than yours. IMO

[italianjob]

So you were a prisoner of a Ogre that sexually and emotionally starved you for years and treated you like shyt. The first 1/3 of your marriage was so-so the next 2/3 were hell. You manage to escape from this situation and gather your force to have an affair.

 

And now you want your marriage back? Sorry?

 

If you escape Castle Dracula, you RUN from Castle Dracula, you don't try to find your way back...

 

I think there is something wrong with your story.

 

If it is true, I advise you to leave this marriage.

If it is not true, I hope your husband leaves this marriage.

[Wade Lamare]

I dunno, I think all marriages, no matter how good they are, go through periods of 'the doldrums'.

 

In my own marriage we actually went through a largely sexless period. My wife resented the fact that I was never around, I was always working and all she had were babies to talk too. I would do one job, pop home, bolt down some food and go off to my next job.

 

I resented the lack of sex and couldn't understand why she couldn't see that I was merely doing my best to keep us and the kids fed and to keep a roof over our heads so I stopped initiating and called her frigid.

 

It's very possible that in the OP's marriage they entered the doldrums but for whatever reason they lacked the time, skills or chance to shake off the doldrums. Unfortunately, although the affair shook the marriage out of the doldrums it may eventually wreck it as well.

 

Unless you are really quite wealthy (even then nothing is guaranteed), after the initial buzz of being married life can be a bit of a slog. Your days can revolve around kids, work, eat and sleep. Hardly the best breeding ground for loving, passion filled nights of wild monkey sex.

 

Ws2016, unfortunately for the foreseeable future I am afraid that, in his mind at least, rightly or wrongly, your affair trumps nearly all. So any time you accuse him of being disrespectful he is instantly going to retaliate with "How dare you call ME disrespectful when YOU........" I know I would.

 

However that does not mean that he hasn't absorbed and taken note of what you are saying, he's just unlikely to admit it to you.

 

Do you go out much as a family? If not perhaps that can be something you could take a lead on. As he is an ex athlete he may appreciate going to football, baseball or the like. It needn't be expensive, a simple family picnic somewhere, we go geocaching, the kids love it we all get exercise and have to work together.

 

Don't be too disheartened at the moment. He's still there and he's still angry. While it may not feel ideal to you it does mean he is still connected and part of the marriage/family. what will be far worse for you is if he becomes sullen, withdrawn and apathetic. The opposite of love is apathy, not hate.

Edited September 12, 2016 by Wade Lamare
typos

[italianjob]

IDK, I've read of a very bad and suffocating marriage but never once in that rant I've read a "my fault", only "he did", "his fault".

 

That makes me think that

a. her husband is a really bad person, and I wouldn't want to be married with such a person.

or

b. she's blameshifting big time, so she's far from remorseful, IMO.

 

I also found it strange that going out for the night and talking to people she doesn't like him to talk to (If my wife who had just cheated on me didn't want me to talk to someone who says there might be more, I would actually ask myself some questions)" she considers disrespectful, but getting out of her panties in less than a week of meeting at a volunteers organization and a bunch of sms (without even the excuse of being drunk) is not so much disrespectful...

[Ws2016]

So I haven't been on so lots to catch up on. First, things were good in the beginning of our marriage but it happened so fast that we never got a chance to talk about what our marriage foundation would be. We became parents soon after we met. I was happy in the beginning but yeah, there was always issues there that never got resolved so they piled on over more issues over more and more. But, there has always been love. He is definitly NOT a monster. He is the absolute best dad, a good provider and he takes care of us. The issue was we didn't work on our marriage.

 

Second, someone asked what the issues in our marriage were so that is why I listed all of that. Not to complain or blame shift. I was giving a background of the issues. There was good in our marriage too. Otherwise we wouldn't still be married but the issues just kept piling on more issues and over the years they got worse. It was bad. More bad then good but I think we both thought it would get better so we stayed in the relationship.

 

As far as the volunteer person. I knew this person for a year and I never said it was not disrespectful. It was the worst disrespect I could ever do to him. I don't know where in this entire thread I ever made it sound like I am not 200% at fault here. I am! The person I didn't like him talking to is a bad person. He puts his hands on other women, he's an awful father and a serial cheater who shows no remorse. He lied about me to other people and just a real **** started. He is my best friends ex husband and just last week he put a huge bruise on my friebds arm by twisting it and throwing her out of his bar so yes I found it disrespectful after he promised he would not talk to this man again. He said he just didn't want to be alone. I understood but it was already established that he wouldn't talk to him. I can't do this alone. Because I distespected him, that doesn't mean he can do whatever he wants. Not if he wants to work on our marriage. If he doesn't then he is free to do what he wants but we both have things we are uncomfortable with and we need to be mindful of those things if we ever have a chance.

Could it be too late? Yes. Could our marriage be doomed? Yes. But I am not ready to give up yet and I don't think he is either. At least if he walks away I can say I did my best but I'm just not ready to let go yet. If he was, I would respect his decision but we are not there yet so I am goig to keep trying.

[Ws2016]

I dunno, I think all marriages, no matter how good they are, go through periods of 'the doldrums'.

 

In my own marriage we actually went through a largely sexless period. My wife resented the fact that I was never around, I was always working and all she had were babies to talk too. I would do one job, pop home, bolt down some food and go off to my next job.

 

I resented the lack of sex and couldn't understand why she couldn't see that I was merely doing my best to keep us and the kids fed and to keep a roof over our heads so I stopped initiating and called her frigid.

 

It's very possible that in the OP's marriage they entered the doldrums but for whatever reason they lacked the time, skills or chance to shake off the doldrums. Unfortunately, although the affair shook the marriage out of the doldrums it may eventually wreck it as well.

 

Unless you are really quite wealthy (even then nothing is guaranteed), after the initial buzz of being married life can be a bit of a slog. Your days can revolve around kids, work, eat and sleep. Hardly the best breeding ground for loving, passion filled nights of wild monkey sex.

 

Ws2016, unfortunately for the foreseeable future I am afraid that, in his mind at least, rightly or wrongly, your affair trumps nearly all. So any time you accuse him of being disrespectful he is instantly going to retaliate with "How dare you call ME disrespectful when YOU........" I know I would.

 

However that does not mean that he hasn't absorbed and taken note of what you are saying, he's just unlikely to admit it to you.

 

Do you go out much as a family? If not perhaps that can be something you could take a lead on. As he is an ex athlete he may appreciate going to football, baseball or the like. It needn't be expensive, a simple family picnic somewhere, we go geocaching, the kids love it we all get exercise and have to work together.

 

Don't be too disheartened at the moment. He's still there and he's still angry. While it may not feel ideal to you it does mean he is still connected and part of the marriage/family. what will be far worse for you is if he becomes sullen, withdrawn and apathetic. The opposite of love is apathy, not hate.

 

Yes, good points! Thank you for that. We didn't do much as a family. I always pushed and pushed and set things up especially when the kids were little and he went along with it gladly but this has slowed down a lot because he just didn't out in the effort. He never said no, but just went along with whatever. I plan EVERYTHING. Every outing, every vacation everything. Which is fine! But it started to feel like he could be bothered either way. He is good to our kids and makes aute he spends time with them every single weekend though.

 

Humm... Yes I get that about what I did trumps everything. I guess I just need to be in that place for a while. Should I just deal with what he does? I'm sincerely asking, not being sarcastic. I know it's hard to tell when typing but I'm not sure how to handle that.

[Wade Lamare]

Humm... Yes I get that about what I did trumps everything. I guess I just need to be in that place for a while. Should I just deal with what he does? I'm sincerely asking, not being sarcastic. I know it's hard to tell when typing but I'm not sure how to handle that.

 

Difficult. I think perhaps I'm better off fielding this question to one of the others, perhaps Mrs Adams as I think she may have a better handle on this.

 

My own .02 worth would be that whenever this sort of situation comes up again I would apologise profusely for hurting and disrespecting him and tell him you will spend the rest of your life making it up to him.

 

But then explain how you feel disrespected by his decision to go off with this sorry excuse for a man. But do explain that it is not his going off on his own, as you understand his need to process this shet storm and that he needs some alone time. It was his decision to hang around with this woman beater after telling you that he wouldn't that upset you.

 

At 2 months out it may be too early for him but do you have any 'no foul' sessions where you can both air grievances in a controlled way and as far as possible promise not to blow up on one another?

 

Also like to add that I would prefer more experienced posters to validate my input as I would hate to advise you incorrectly.

Edited September 12, 2016 by Wade Lamare

[italianjob]

So I haven't been on so lots to catch up on. First, things were good in the beginning of our marriage but it happened so fast that we never got a chance to talk about what our marriage foundation would be. We became parents soon after we met. I was happy in the beginning but yeah, there was always issues there that never got resolved so they piled on over more issues over more and more. But, there has always been love. He is definitly NOT a monster. He is the absolute best dad, a good provider and he takes care of us. The issue was we didn't work on our marriage.

 

Second, someone asked what the issues in our marriage were so that is why I listed all of that. Not to complain or blame shift. I was giving a background of the issues. There was good in our marriage too. Otherwise we wouldn't still be married but the issues just kept piling on more issues and over the years they got worse. It was bad. More bad then good but I think we both thought it would get better so we stayed in the relationship.

 

As far as the volunteer person. I knew this person for a year and I never said it was not disrespectful. It was the worst disrespect I could ever do to him. I don't know where in this entire thread I ever made it sound like I am not 200% at fault here. I am! The person I didn't like him talking to is a bad person. He puts his hands on other women, he's an awful father and a serial cheater who shows no remorse. He lied about me to other people and just a real **** started. He is my best friends ex husband and just last week he put a huge bruise on my friebds arm by twisting it and throwing her out of his bar so yes I found it disrespectful after he promised he would not talk to this man again. He said he just didn't want to be alone. I understood but it was already established that he wouldn't talk to him. I can't do this alone. Because I distespected him, that doesn't mean he can do whatever he wants. Not if he wants to work on our marriage. If he doesn't then he is free to do what he wants but we both have things we are uncomfortable with and we need to be mindful of those things if we ever have a chance.

Could it be too late? Yes. Could our marriage be doomed? Yes. But I am not ready to give up yet and I don't think he is either. At least if he walks away I can say I did my best but I'm just not ready to let go yet. If he was, I would respect his decision but we are not there yet so I am goig to keep trying.

 

1. Then I guess ALL of the problems in your marriage spun from him, because that's what I got from your rant. So I'll ask again: "why do you want to be with someone who treats you like that?"

 

2. You were the one that said that from the first inappropriate message to the consummation only a week went by, I don't care how long you knew him, the fact is that as soon as he tried you were ready to give up.

 

3. Try, if you can, to look at things from your husband's POV (it seems you have a hard time doing that, and that's the biggest hurdle in your try for R, IMO):

- a man, that you don't like and consider a bad man, is saying you were up to no good.

- you just cheated on him.

- you get very very mad at him because he wants to listen to what this man has to say about your behavior.

- if you were him wouldn't you want to listen and judge for yourself? At this moment your word is not exactly pure gold to your husband.

This sounds logical to me not disrespectful....