I had an affair and regret it [updated]

[Mrs. John Adams]

Okay I'm going to try and address everything I've been reading.

As far as physical/emotional time together. He is just not there yet. He is still very much in anger mode and I know he is going to be there for a very long time.

 

I think I do sound back and fourth. Remorseful then complaining.

I've had to think very hard on this and soul search.

I definitely don't feel like "why isn't he over it already" in fact if he was over it I would worry! Especially for him. He does not easily let go of anything, this will be a miracle if he got over it.

 

So back to my soul searching..... I don't feel like he should be over it at all. He has made it clear that he sees no way of getting over this. I think I am and back and fourth because I still have so much resentment about things that happened in our marriage before this. I feel like I was ignored, never complimented, like I didn't matter ect and then I did this and now I am being racked over the coals and now I REALLY don't matter but I'm expected to grovel at his feet. I know!!! It's soooo wrong. But if I'm honest, it's how I feel. So people will ask "then why do you want to repair the marriage?" Half the time I do and half the time I don't. I do because I wish more then anything we can through all this and have a good marriage, because I love him, because we have built a life together and we have kids and we both don't want to lose our family. It's not just that easy of a decision. Then at times I am over it because there is still issues, because I feel like things will never change, because I'm sick of feeling worthless to him.

 

I want to point out that I do feel remorseful for what I did. I really do! It was wrong. I have cried and begged forgiveness, wrote him letters apologizing, wrote him everything that happened, threw away the cloths I wore that night, I ask him everyday how he is doing and every night I ask him if he wants to talk, he has access to everything, I answer every question fully and honestly. I am doing this because I hurt him. He did not for one second deserve this!! It was fully my fault, my actions and I wholeheartdly and sorry. But!! There are still those things lerking, still those resentments, still that anger. I feel like "I'm doing all this for you and for 12 years you did nothing for me when I was feeling alone and worthless" I don't know how to deal with these feelings. I know I can get over this with work, I know I can rebuild and I forgive and forget very easily. But it takes two and he is not sure if he wants to but even if he doesn't, I will continue to keep trying because for some reason I just hope we can get through all of it and rebuild from the bottom. Maybe in delusional. Lol! I am for sure not in my right state of mind. I'm a good person who did a very bad thing because I was in pain. Im learning, trying and working on myself. It's all I can do.

 

I guess if I'm really honest, I don't know if I want it to work out or not either. I told him I could never ever go back to the way it was because that turned me into someone I don't like. It's so confusing. I do love this man. He is s good person with some issues just like me. I can't walk away until I know if these issues can be resolved or not. I think he feels the same. That's why I sound wishy washy. At moments I desperately want us to realize how much we love each other and work on this and build this amazing relationship and other times all I want to do is walk away.

 

I could be wrong...and this is just my opinion...but your marriage will never be better than the best it has ever been.

 

I do not see how it is possible for a marriage destroyed by infidelity...to improve to be better than it ever was...unless....you start over with a brand new relationship.

 

There are couples who divorce after infidelity...and at a later time...get back together and start over....but it is like a whole new marriage...a whole new relationship.

 

To rebuild a relationship on a foundation that was never strong...as you have indicated about your marriage.... i believe will be almost impossible.

[alsudduth]

Okay I'm going to try and address everything I've been reading.

As far as physical/emotional time together. He is just not there yet. He is still very much in anger mode and I know he is going to be there for a very long time.

 

I think I do sound back and fourth. Remorseful then complaining.

I've had to think very hard on this and soul search.

I definitely don't feel like "why isn't he over it already" in fact if he was over it I would worry! Especially for him. He does not easily let go of anything, this will be a miracle if he got over it.

 

So back to my soul searching..... I don't feel like he should be over it at all. He has made it clear that he sees no way of getting over this. I think I am and back and fourth because I still have so much resentment about things that happened in our marriage before this. I feel like I was ignored, never complimented, like I didn't matter ect and then I did this and now I am being racked over the coals and now I REALLY don't matter but I'm expected to grovel at his feet. I know!!! It's soooo wrong. But if I'm honest, it's how I feel. So people will ask "then why do you want to repair the marriage?" Half the time I do and half the time I don't. I do because I wish more then anything we can through all this and have a good marriage, because I love him, because we have built a life together and we have kids and we both don't want to lose our family. It's not just that easy of a decision. Then at times I am over it because there is still issues, because I feel like things will never change, because I'm sick of feeling worthless to him.

 

I want to point out that I do feel remorseful for what I did. I really do! It was wrong. I have cried and begged forgiveness, wrote him letters apologizing, wrote him everything that happened, threw away the cloths I wore that night, I ask him everyday how he is doing and every night I ask him if he wants to talk, he has access to everything, I answer every question fully and honestly. I am doing this because I hurt him. He did not for one second deserve this!! It was fully my fault, my actions and I wholeheartdly and sorry. But!! There are still those things lerking, still those resentments, still that anger. I feel like "I'm doing all this for you and for 12 years you did nothing for me when I was feeling alone and worthless" I don't know how to deal with these feelings. I know I can get over this with work, I know I can rebuild and I forgive and forget very easily. But it takes two and he is not sure if he wants to but even if he doesn't, I will continue to keep trying because for some reason I just hope we can get through all of it and rebuild from the bottom. Maybe in delusional. Lol! I am for sure not in my right state of mind. I'm a good person who did a very bad thing because I was in pain. Im learning, trying and working on myself. It's all I can do.

 

I guess if I'm really honest, I don't know if I want it to work out or not either. I told him I could never ever go back to the way it was because that turned me into someone I don't like. It's so confusing. I do love this man. He is s good person with some issues just like me. I can't walk away until I know if these issues can be resolved or not. I think he feels the same. That's why I sound wishy washy. At moments I desperately want us to realize how much we love each other and work on this and build this amazing relationship and other times all I want to do is walk away.

 

WS, I feel like I could have written this exact post. I just wanted to tell you that I understand what you are feeling.

[elaine567]

I sacrificed most of my adult life for my wife because I loved her with all my heart. She may not have deserved it and I may have been a fool to do it, but I did it because I love her.

 

I am just not sure that Ws2016 is in the same place in those love stakes.

I think the key here is the husband, and if after this angry phase ends he starts stepping up to the mark, and becomes the husband Ws2016 wants, then this may survive, but if he doesn't and he remains distant or resentful, I cannot see this having a happy ending.

I know "She done wrong and she needs to pay over and over again" may work if she is willing to put up with anything to save her marriage, and some WSs will wear that hair shirt forever and ever, as they know the marriage is worth saving, but here I do not see that happening.

This was not a happy marriage rocked by infidelity like Mrs Adams describes, this was a chronically ailing marriage rocked by infidelity and that is a different beast all together.

 

To rebuild a relationship on a foundation that was never strong...as you have indicated about your marriage.... i believe will be almost impossible.

I agree.

[Chica80]

Okay I'm going to try and address everything I've been reading.

As far as physical/emotional time together. He is just not there yet. He is still very much in anger mode and I know he is going to be there for a very long time.

 

I think I do sound back and fourth. Remorseful then complaining.

I've had to think very hard on this and soul search.

I definitely don't feel like "why isn't he over it already" in fact if he was over it I would worry! Especially for him. He does not easily let go of anything, this will be a miracle if he got over it.

 

So back to my soul searching..... I don't feel like he should be over it at all. He has made it clear that he sees no way of getting over this. I think I am and back and fourth because I still have so much resentment about things that happened in our marriage before this. I feel like I was ignored, never complimented, like I didn't matter ect and then I did this and now I am being racked over the coals and now I REALLY don't matter but I'm expected to grovel at his feet. I know!!! It's soooo wrong. But if I'm honest, it's how I feel. So people will ask "then why do you want to repair the marriage?" Half the time I do and half the time I don't. I do because I wish more then anything we can through all this and have a good marriage, because I love him, because we have built a life together and we have kids and we both don't want to lose our family. It's not just that easy of a decision. Then at times I am over it because there is still issues, because I feel like things will never change, because I'm sick of feeling worthless to him.

 

I want to point out that I do feel remorseful for what I did. I really do! It was wrong. I have cried and begged forgiveness, wrote him letters apologizing, wrote him everything that happened, threw away the cloths I wore that night, I ask him everyday how he is doing and every night I ask him if he wants to talk, he has access to everything, I answer every question fully and honestly. I am doing this because I hurt him. He did not for one second deserve this!! It was fully my fault, my actions and I wholeheartdly and sorry. But!! There are still those things lerking, still those resentments, still that anger. I feel like "I'm doing all this for you and for 12 years you did nothing for me when I was feeling alone and worthless" I don't know how to deal with these feelings. I know I can get over this with work, I know I can rebuild and I forgive and forget very easily. But it takes two and he is not sure if he wants to but even if he doesn't, I will continue to keep trying because for some reason I just hope we can get through all of it and rebuild from the bottom. Maybe in delusional. Lol! I am for sure not in my right state of mind. I'm a good person who did a very bad thing because I was in pain. Im learning, trying and working on myself. It's all I can do.

 

I guess if I'm really honest, I don't know if I want it to work out or not either. I told him I could never ever go back to the way it was because that turned me into someone I don't like. It's so confusing. I do love this man. He is s good person with some issues just like me. I can't walk away until I know if these issues can be resolved or not. I think he feels the same. That's why I sound wishy washy. At moments I desperately want us to realize how much we love each other and work on this and build this amazing relationship and other times all I want to do is walk away.

 

 

WS. I'm sorry you are going through this....I really understand how you feel...I could have written these things a year ago.

 

For me the A was I believe a catalyst for change. I wanted things to be different I wanted something different.

You want something different from your husband, you wanted things to be different before the A, I believe.

 

And it is different, just maybe not the change you were hoping for or expected.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Okay I'm going to try and address everything I've been reading.

As far as physical/emotional time together. He is just not there yet. He is still very much in anger mode and I know he is going to be there for a very long time.

 

I think I do sound back and fourth. Remorseful then complaining.

I've had to think very hard on this and soul search.

I definitely don't feel like "why isn't he over it already" in fact if he was over it I would worry! Especially for him. He does not easily let go of anything, this will be a miracle if he got over it.

 

So back to my soul searching..... I don't feel like he should be over it at all. He has made it clear that he sees no way of getting over this. I think I am and back and fourth because I still have so much resentment about things that happened in our marriage before this. I feel like I was ignored, never complimented, like I didn't matter ect and then I did this and now I am being racked over the coals and now I REALLY don't matter but I'm expected to grovel at his feet. I know!!! It's soooo wrong. But if I'm honest, it's how I feel. So people will ask "then why do you want to repair the marriage?" Half the time I do and half the time I don't. I do because I wish more then anything we can through all this and have a good marriage, because I love him, because we have built a life together and we have kids and we both don't want to lose our family. It's not just that easy of a decision. Then at times I am over it because there is still issues, because I feel like things will never change, because I'm sick of feeling worthless to him.

 

I want to point out that I do feel remorseful for what I did. I really do! It was wrong. I have cried and begged forgiveness, wrote him letters apologizing, wrote him everything that happened, threw away the cloths I wore that night, I ask him everyday how he is doing and every night I ask him if he wants to talk, he has access to everything, I answer every question fully and honestly. I am doing this because I hurt him. He did not for one second deserve this!! It was fully my fault, my actions and I wholeheartdly and sorry. But!! There are still those things lerking, still those resentments, still that anger. I feel like "I'm doing all this for you and for 12 years you did nothing for me when I was feeling alone and worthless" I don't know how to deal with these feelings. I know I can get over this with work, I know I can rebuild and I forgive and forget very easily. But it takes two and he is not sure if he wants to but even if he doesn't, I will continue to keep trying because for some reason I just hope we can get through all of it and rebuild from the bottom. Maybe in delusional. Lol! I am for sure not in my right state of mind. I'm a good person who did a very bad thing because I was in pain. Im learning, trying and working on myself. It's all I can do.

 

I guess if I'm really honest, I don't know if I want it to work out or not either. I told him I could never ever go back to the way it was because that turned me into someone I don't like. It's so confusing. I do love this man. He is s good person with some issues just like me. I can't walk away until I know if these issues can be resolved or not. I think he feels the same. That's why I sound wishy washy. At moments I desperately want us to realize how much we love each other and work on this and build this amazing relationship and other times all I want to do is walk away.

 

 

Are you able to consider that you were not an ideal spouse? That your husband struggled with what he perceived as short-comings in you?

 

I have noticed that you can easily identify what you perceive as his short-comings or areas that need to be addressed about the relationship. However, it seems that the solutions were put on his plate to address.

 

To be honest, I don't know if I would be very enthusiastic if I was the one providing the money and then told that I also had to find the time to plan, organize and attend family vacations. That anything less than that meant I wasn't being loving. Not to mention the fact that my spouse was keeping a scorecard on me....and my stats according to them were dismal. Then...when I did make the effort...it was met with "why couldn't you have done that before...hmpfff".

 

Unless you are able to dismantle any false truths that you believe about yourself, your marriage, your husband, there is little chance for a successful/meaningful R. Until you are able to appreciate what your husband has brought to the table...good father, good provider, stable...etc...you are at risk of losing that as well.

 

FYI....just from the posters that I am familiar with on here....the OW that turned the affair into a marriage had the greatest success when the MM was a BH in the marriage first.

[Ws2016]

WS. I'm sorry you are going through this....I really understand how you feel...I could have written these things a year ago.

 

For me the A was I believe a catalyst for change. I wanted things to be different I wanted something different.

You want something different from your husband, you wanted things to be different before the A, I believe.

 

And it is different, just maybe not the change you were hoping for or expected.

 

 

I'm going to say something that sounds so messed up and I hope it makes sense:

Things now are bad, terrible really but even this messed up craziness is better then what my marriage was before. At least there is emotions now. I don't think there could be much worse then showing no emotion for years and years...... And years. Yes, infidelity is worse I'm not saying that. I'm saying I never saw emotion in my husband that showed living feelings for me. When he did react the way he did, I was shocked!! He cried. I have NEVER seen him cry. I felt like he actually did love me. It was shocking. That's so nuts!

Everyone keeps saying it will never be the same. The only reason I sm holding on is the hope that it WON'T be the same. I will never go back to that. Now is there enough love there to get through this? I don't know but I know couple who have come out stronger. I hope we can be one of those couples but I am not delusional either.

[Ws2016]

Are you able to consider that you were not an ideal spouse? That your husband struggled with what he perceived as short-comings in you?

 

I have noticed that you can easily identify what you perceive as his short-comings or areas that need to be addressed about the relationship. However, it seems that the solutions were put on his plate to address.

 

To be honest, I don't know if I would be very enthusiastic if I was the one providing the money and then told that I also had to find the time to plan, organize and attend family vacations. That anything less than that meant I wasn't being loving. Not to mention the fact that my spouse was keeping a scorecard on me....and my stats according to them were dismal. Then...when I did make the effort...it was met with "why couldn't you have done that before...hmpfff".

 

Unless you are able to dismantle any false truths that you believe about yourself, your marriage, your husband, there is little chance for a successful/meaningful R. Until you are able to appreciate what your husband has brought to the table...good father, good provider, stable...etc...you are at risk of losing that as well.

 

FYI....just from the posters that I am familiar with on here....the OW that turned the affair into a marriage had the greatest success when the MM was a BH in the marriage first.

 

Oh absolutely! I was not a good spouse either. I talked about that many pages earlier. There was a lot of resentment from both of us. I was for sure not a perfect wife!

[Zenstudent]

....

 

So back to my soul searching..... I don't feel like he should be over it at all. He has made it clear that he sees no way of getting over this. I think I am and back and fourth because I still have so much resentment about things that happened in our marriage before this. I feel like I was ignored, never complimented, like I didn't matter ect and then I did this and now I am being racked over the coals and now I REALLY don't matter but I'm expected to grovel at his feet. I know!!! It's soooo wrong. But if I'm honest, it's how I feel. So people will ask "then why do you want to repair the marriage?" Half the time I do and half the time I don't. I do because I wish more then anything we can through all this and have a good marriage, because I love him, because we have built a life together and we have kids and we both don't want to lose our family. It's not just that easy of a decision. Then at times I am over it because there is still issues, because I feel like things will never change, because I'm sick of feeling worthless to him.

 

I want to point out that I do feel remorseful for what I did. I really do! It was wrong. I have cried and begged forgiveness, wrote him letters apologizing, wrote him everything that happened, threw away the cloths I wore that night, I ask him everyday how he is doing and every night I ask him if he wants to talk, he has access to everything, I answer every question fully and honestly. I am doing this because I hurt him. He did not for one second deserve this!! It was fully my fault, my actions and I wholeheartdly and sorry. But!! There are still those things lerking, still those resentments, still that anger. I feel like "I'm doing all this for you and for 12 years you did nothing for me when I was feeling alone and worthless" I don't know how to deal with these feelings. I know I can get over this with work, I know I can rebuild and I forgive and forget very easily. But it takes two and he is not sure if he wants to but even if he doesn't, I will continue to keep trying because for some reason I just hope we can get through all of it and rebuild from the bottom. Maybe in delusional. Lol! I am for sure not in my right state of mind. I'm a good person who did a very bad thing because I was in pain. Im learning, trying and working on myself. It's all I can do.

 

I guess if I'm really honest, I don't know if I want it to work out or not either. I told him I could never ever go back to the way it was because that turned me into someone I don't like. It's so confusing. I do love this man. He is s good person with some issues just like me. I can't walk away until I know if these issues can be resolved or not. I think he feels the same. That's why I sound wishy washy. At moments I desperately want us to realize how much we love each other and work on this and build this amazing relationship and other times all I want to do is walk away.

 

Usually, you can replace a "but" with a "not". Do you see what you are saying here?

 

I think you feel 100% justified. As long as that is the case, it will never work. Your husband will sense this.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Oh absolutely! I was not a good spouse either. I talked about that many pages earlier. There was a lot of resentment from both of us. I was for sure not a perfect wife!

 

 

I guess I missed those posts where you name your short-comings or maybe their voice was lost in how often you named his "transgressions".

[drifter777]

What you should do?

 

Work to be the best person you could ever imagine. And let go of the outcome.

 

Your marriage may survive - or it may not. Stop pretending that everything will go back to "normal", because it can't, and it won't. Nothing will ever be the same again, and I mean ever.

 

I am 5½ years out myself, and our relationship is definitely not the same. I was very angry as well in the beginning afthe the shock had subsided - I learned a lot about myself, and today I'm a very balanced type. We get along well, co-parent well, do things together (like Road suggest), we fill out our family roles, we have sex. Everything appears to be "normal".

 

But what you don't see, is that I don't get that warm, dizzy feeling looking at my wife anymore. She proved to me that she doesn't value the things we built together, that she doesn't value monogamy, so why should I?

 

I don't trust her to look out for me and my interests, and I'm prepared for any future outcome. I still reserve the right to walk out the door tomorrow.

 

Why she is with me still? I have no idea - kids? Fear of the unknown? Love? And I don't really care.

 

Are you prepared for a scenario like this after his anger phase? Because that IS a possible outcome for you too.

 

So my advise again: work on you, to be stronger - for your own benefit, and no one elses. You win, no matter what happens in the future.

 

This is such a great post and it speaks to so many BH's - me being one of them. It's hard for me to explain why but I actually feel disgust when I read Mrs. J A say that her husband's decision to reconcile "showed me the man he really is". Yes, he did. The thing is, I don't know for sure what she means. This is such an open statement that can be filled in very negatively or very positively. I know that Mr. J A says she means it in a very positive way and I take her at her word. But, of course, the other side of that coin is something that every BH fears deep down in his soul. That since they chose to stay their wife now thinks of them as weak and spineless. Like they know they got over on him with the worst possible betrayal and that wimp is still here. This is how I feel.

 

Of course I'm being extreme. This hardly ever happens in real life. My BH doesn't feel this way and we have reconciled and all is fine. Ok, maybe so. But does anyone really think I'm the only BH that feels this way? Who stays unhappily married for reasons other than that he loves and respects his WW? And do you honestly think you know how he feels inside?

[AlwaysGrowing]

I'm going to say something that sounds so messed up and I hope it makes sense:

Things now are bad, terrible really but even this messed up craziness is better then what my marriage was before. At least there is emotions now. I don't think there could be much worse then showing no emotion for years and years...... And years. Yes, infidelity is worse I'm not saying that. I'm saying I never saw emotion in my husband that showed living feelings for me. When he did react the way he did, I was shocked!! He cried. I have NEVER seen him cry. I felt like he actually did love me. It was shocking. That's so nuts!

Everyone keeps saying it will never be the same. The only reason I sm holding on is the hope that it WON'T be the same. I will never go back to that. Now is there enough love there to get through this? I don't know but I know couple who have come out stronger. I hope we can be one of those couples but I am not delusional either.

 

 

Here is the largest issue with how this has played out.

 

His hurt was a "win" for you, you wanted more emotions....and you got it.

 

His hurt was nothing but a loss for him. He lost fidelity in his marriage, he lost his sense of manhood, he lost his sense of family, he lost his sense of reality, he lost his "future".

 

Your husband has paid a high price to get the "emotions" that you thought/think you want/ed......which also came with emotions/actions that you don't want...lashing out, venting, questioning, distant, anger.

 

Your husband gets less than zero happiness in any of the emotions that he is currently going through....even the angry, venting ones. He doesn't want to feel any of them.

[Mrs. John Adams]

This is such a great post and it speaks to so many BH's - me being one of them. It's hard for me to explain why but I actually feel disgust when I read Mrs. J A say that her husband's decision to reconcile "showed me the man he really is". Yes, he did. The thing is, I don't know for sure what she means. This is such an open statement that can be filled in very negatively or very positively. I know that Mr. J A says she means it in a very positive way and I take her at her word. But, of course, the other side of that coin is something that every BH fears deep down in his soul. That since they chose to stay their wife now thinks of them as weak and spineless. Like they know they got over on him with the worst possible betrayal and that wimp is still here. This is how I feel.

 

Of course I'm being extreme. This hardly ever happens in real life. My BH doesn't feel this way and we have reconciled and all is fine. Ok, maybe so. But does anyone really think I'm the only BH that feels this way? Who stays unhappily married for reasons other than that he loves and respects his WW? And do you honestly think you know how he feels inside?

 

He showed me his strength...his commitment....his devotion....his moral fiber...his love ...his compassion. All the things that were always there...he reinforced for me by allowing me to stay. The choice was his...I said I will leave if you want me to and ask for nothing...and he said...I want you to stay. He said I love you....which was exactly what i needed to hear.

 

I NEVER have thought of him as weak and spineless...I was the one who cheated...I was the one who was weak...I was the one who gave up. My husband has always been the strong one...I have always needed his strength. I have always depended on him to hold me up.

 

How can this be interpreted as anything but positive ?

 

I cannot speak for anyone else...because I don't know the dynamics in their relationships. But I can assure you in the Adams household....Mr. Adams held this family together...and there was nothing weak in what he did or how he did it.

 

Mr. Adams has never allowed me to blame him in anyway...ever. He has held me accountable...always. Had I tried to blame my actions on him...I have no doubt he would not have allowed me to stay.

 

It took me a long time to understand remorse....that was the last step for me to accomplish....but don't think for one minute that i did not do the rest of the things required....I became immediately transparent before i even know that was an important step ...and i took responsibility for my actions.

 

I made lots of mistakes along this journey....and i am responsible for that too.

 

If you don't understand anything else in this post...understand this...

 

I have never viewed my husband as a weak man.

[JohnAdams]

Of course I'm being extreme. This hardly ever happens in real life. My BH doesn't feel this way and we have reconciled and all is fine. Ok, maybe so. But does anyone really think I'm the only BH that feels this way? Who stays unhappily married for reasons other than that he loves and respects his WW? And do you honestly think you know how he feels inside?

 

We are all different. I know that I am glad I stayed with my wife. We have a wonderful, happy life. I know I have read several times that you are not happy and stayed for the children and now grandchildren.

 

I don't think it takes any more strength to stay or divorce. I have no fear of my masculinity or if it is more macho to stay or leave. I stayed because I love my wife. Without that, I am not sure why any BS stays.

[AlwaysGrowing]

He showed me his strength...his commitment....his devotion....his moral fiber...his love ...his compassion. All the things that were always there...he reinforced for me by allowing me to stay. The choice was his...I said I will leave if you want me to and ask for nothing...and he said...I want you to stay. He said I love you....which was exactly what i needed to hear.

 

I NEVER have thought of him as weak and spineless...I was the one who cheated...I was the one who was weak...I was the one who gave up. My husband has always been the strong one...I have always needed his strength. I have always depended on him to hold me up.

 

How can this be interpreted as anything but positive ?

 

I cannot speak for anyone else...because I don't know the dynamics in their relationships. But I can assure you in the Adams household....Mr. Adams held this family together...and there was nothing weak in what he did or how he did it.

 

Mr. Adams has never allowed me to blame him in anyway...ever. He has held me accountable...always. Had I tried to blame my actions on him...I have no doubt he would not have allowed me to stay.

 

It took me a long time to understand remorse....that was the last step for me to accomplish....but don't think for one minute that i did not do the rest of the things required....I became immediately transparent before i even know that was an important step ...and i took responsibility for my actions.

 

I made lots of mistakes along this journey....and i am responsible for that too.

 

If you don't understand anything else in this post...understand this...

 

I have never viewed my husband as a weak man.

 

 

You know MJA, I think what most BS want the most....is to feel/view their XWS in the same way.

 

They want to feel respect, honour, love, pride,....more importantly...they want a spouse that has strength.

 

They don't want to "have" to be the strong one, or be the one holding the family/relationship together. They want to be able to put their head down and not have to worry. They want to feel safe....safe enough to have an "off" day, not feel like someone is taking their inventory (even if it is their own perception).

 

R is damn hard. It really is on a razors edge. BH are more likely to divorce or have an affair....even years later....and more likely to leave for the AP.

 

The harsh reality is that...where you and your husband are....is very difficult for most XWW to get to. Mostly because they are unable to view from a male perspective. Women have a tendency to hold their emotional views/feelings above that of their husbands. They write the relationship rule book from their POV. They view their emotions as truth. If they feel it...it is based on truth....even if it really is perception. They place a higher value on how they feel about something over their husbands view. Women are more likely to seek total change (usually on the husbands side) over compromise. Women usually don't take criticism as well as men. Women usually look to place blame.

 

It speaks volumes about your character, mindfulness and yes...your love, respect and appreciation of your husband...that you both are such an open, honest, engaging couple. You really are an asset to those XWS who want to rebuild.

[Mrs. John Adams]

You know MJA, I think what most BS want the most....is to feel/view their XWS in the same way.

 

They want to feel respect, honour, love, pride,....more importantly...they want a spouse that has strength.

 

They don't want to "have" to be the strong one, or be the one holding the family/relationship together. They want to be able to put their head down and not have to worry. They want to feel safe....safe enough to have an "off" day, not feel like someone is taking their inventory (even if it is their own perception).

 

R is damn hard. It really is on a razors edge. BH are more likely to divorce or have an affair....even years later....and more likely to leave for the AP.

 

The harsh reality is that...where you and your husband are....is very difficult for most XWW to get to. Mostly because they are unable to view from a male perspective. Women have a tendency to hold their emotional views/feelings above that of their husbands. They write the relationship rule book from their POV. They view their emotions as truth. If they feel it...it is based on truth....even if it really is perception. They place a higher value on how they feel about something over their husbands view. Women are more likely to seek total change (usually on the husbands side) over compromise. Women usually don't take criticism as well as men. Women usually look to place blame.

 

It speaks volumes about your character, mindfulness and yes...your love, respect and appreciation of your husband...that you both are such an open, honest, engaging couple. You really are an asset to those XWS who want to rebuild.

 

I do my very best to paint an honest picture of what reconciliation looks like...I think many waywards have a picture in their minds that in a few months...my betrayed will get over this...and life will go back to normal...and it will all be over with.

 

Nothing could be further from the truth....

 

Reconciliation is damn hard...Here we are 33 years later still plugging along.

 

It doesn't mean that everyday the rest of your life you are sad. My gosh....we have a great time together...we are so blessed. But I know...there is never a day that goes by that my husband does not think about my betrayal. It no longer overwhelms him...but he still thinks about it.

 

This past Sunday was the anniversary of 9/11. My husband said to me...your affair is very much like 9/11 ...we will forever remember it with sadness that it happened....but it never becomes a lighthearted event...it remains one of solemn remembrance....

 

I understood what he meant. We have all moved forward from the devastation of 9/11 ....we have had happiness and joy....but 9/11 will forever be etched on our hearts as an event that changed our world as we know it...and we will forever pay homage to the tragedy that transpired on that day. It is not a celebration...but a sad remembrance.

 

Our marriage survived a tragedy...a devastating moment that i caused. I tore the very foundation of our marriage apart. We have rebuilt our relationship and it is a strong and beautiful relationship....but it is built on that same foundation. Much like the twin reflecting pools sit on top of ground zero. Something beautiful came out of that devastation. Our country bonded together like never before in our history. John and I have done the same thing.

 

When i read that a WW....is not sure she wants to stay in a marriage and that the husband is not sure either...it frightens me for them...because i know how long and hard the road ahead is for them...and if they are not totally and completely committed to succeed...I doubt they will.

[DKT3]

You know MJA, I think what most BS want the most....is to feel/view their XWS in the same way.

 

They want to feel respect, honour, love, pride,....more importantly...they want a spouse that has strength.

 

They don't want to "have" to be the strong one, or be the one holding the family/relationship together. They want to be able to put their head down and not have to worry. They want to feel safe....safe enough to have an "off" day, not feel like someone is taking their inventory (even if it is their own perception).

 

R is damn hard. It really is on a razors edge. BH are more likely to divorce or have an affair....even years later....and more likely to leave for the AP.

 

The harsh reality is that...where you and your husband are....is very difficult for most XWW to get to. Mostly because they are unable to view from a male perspective. Women have a tendency to hold their emotional views/feelings above that of their husbands. They write the relationship rule book from their POV. They view their emotions as truth. If they feel it...it is based on truth....even if it really is perception. They place a higher value on how they feel about something over their husbands view. Women are more likely to seek total change (usually on the husbands side) over compromise. Women usually don't take criticism as well as men. Women usually look to place blame.

 

It speaks volumes about your character, mindfulness and yes...your love, respect and appreciation of your husband...that you both are such an open, honest, engaging couple. You really are an asset to those XWS who want to rebuild.

 

Excellent post.

 

It's one of the reasons that one can spot a ws that really has a shot in he££ to actually make it work. It takes great deal of humility understanding and compassion to even get the marriage to a point were R has a legitimate chance if the goal is beyond co existing.

 

Far too often is very clear in only a few posts with someone truly has it in them. I have read WW make sideways comments to both Mrs JA and my wife here on this site. I just laugh and think to myself oh how much they could learn from being open to the advice.

 

As a wayward it can't be about you as you work to get to the point where R is possible. You can't approach it half azzed or on the fence or with a let's see what happens attitude. It's doomed to fail. If you can't go all in you may as well save the time and effort and precede to divorce.

[road]

Okay I'm going to try and address everything I've been reading.

As far as physical/emotional time together. He is just not there yet. He is still very much in anger mode and I know he is going to be there for a very long time.

 

 

Stop making excuses and hiding behind words.

 

 

Physical: quality time does not mean sex, kissing, or even holding hands or romance. It means do something together. Seeing a movie distracts the mind from thinking about the trauma caused by the affair.

 

 

Sharing a hobby not only is another example of distracting the mind so it can begin the healing process.

 

 

Another point of the distraction is it shows/reminds each other that spending time together was and is fun.

 

 

Stewing over the affair in his mind 24/7 is not healthy. These diversions are needed and this is how you take the lead in the recovery.

[road]

 

I want to point out that I do feel remorseful for what I did. I really do! It was wrong. I have cried and begged forgiveness, wrote him letters apologizing, wrote him everything that happened, threw away the cloths I wore that night, I ask him everyday how he is doing and every night I ask him if he wants to talk, he has access to everything, I answer every question fully and honestly. I am doing this because I hurt him. He did not for one second deserve this!! It was fully my fault, my actions and I wholeheartdly and sorry. But!! There are still those things lerking, still those resentments, still that anger. I feel like "I'm doing all this for you and for 12 years you did nothing for me when I was feeling alone and worthless" I don't know how to deal with these feelings. I know I can get over this with work, I know I can rebuild and I forgive and forget very easily. But it takes two and he is not sure if he wants to but even if he doesn't, I will continue to keep trying because for some reason I just hope we can get through all of it and rebuild from the bottom. Maybe in delusional. Lol! I am for sure not in my right state of mind. I'm a good person who did a very bad thing because I was in pain. Im learning, trying and working on myself. It's all I can do.

 

Stop begging for forgiveness. Stop bringing up the affair.

 

 

How to deal with your BH is to let him lead the need to talk about the affair. You do help your cause by reminding him of what you did.

 

 

Also your constant begging is just giving him a constant power trip feeling good seeing you suffer. Stop this behavior, now.

 

 

What to do?

 

 

Honesty.

 

 

Being transparent.

 

 

Maintain NC, and report every time OM breaks NC, and then block that means of contact.

 

 

Doing this shows him that you are now acting trust worthy.

 

 

And, from the way you keep posting here is that you do not comprehend that recovery is a two five year process.

 

 

That means that recovery process is so slow that you can not see improvements in your BH on a daily basis. You may not see changes in months at a time.

[road]

I could be wrong...and this is just my opinion...but your marriage will never be better than the best it has ever been.

 

I do not see how it is possible for a marriage destroyed by infidelity...to improve to be better than it ever was...unless....you start over with a brand new relationship.

 

There are couples who divorce after infidelity...and at a later time...get back together and start over....but it is like a whole new marriage...a whole new relationship.

 

To rebuild a relationship on a foundation that was never strong...as you have indicated about your marriage.... i believe will be almost impossible.

 

Maybe that is an indication that recovery did not work out the way you expected it to.

 

 

Over the decades I have seen many a WS and BS that chose to recover rather divorce say that what they learned after the affair made their marriage better then it was before the affair.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Maybe that is an indication that recovery did not work out the way you expected it to.

 

 

Over the decades I have seen many a WS and BS that chose to recover rather divorce say that what they learned after the affair made their marriage better then it was before the affair.

 

Our recovery is excellent...that's not to say we don't carry the scars of infidelity.

 

In addition to hearing people say that their marriage is better than it was before the affair....I have read some folks here also say that the affair saved their marriage....

 

I had an absolutely wonderful marriage before my affair...is my marriage BETTER? In some ways maybe...I certainly never take it for granted.

 

and for those who had a terrible marriage...like the op describes...if they indeed beat the odds and have a successful reconciliation...maybe her marriage can be better than it ever was.

 

Is your marriage better than it ever was? I guess it depends on your own definition and your own expectations of BETTER. Let's just say...I believe our marriage would have been better had i not cheated...but it is a very good marriage now.

 

I am not a person that believes affair save marriages. I believe marriages can be better in spite of infidelity.

[harrybrown]

"I want to point out that I do feel remorseful for what I did. I really do! It was wrong. I have cried and begged forgiveness, wrote him letters apologizing, wrote him everything that happened, threw away the cloths I wore that night, I ask him everyday how he is doing and every night I ask him if he wants to talk, he has access to everything, I answer every question fully and honestly. I am doing this because I hurt him. He did not for one second deserve this!! It was fully my fault, my actions and I wholeheartdly and sorry. But!! There are still those things lerking, still those resentments, still that anger. I feel like "I'm doing all this for you and for 12 years you did nothing for me when I was feeling alone and worthless" I don't know how to deal with these feelings. I know I can get over this with work, I know I can rebuild and I forgive and forget very easily. But it takes two and he is not sure if he wants to but even if he doesn't, I will continue to keep trying because for some reason I just hope we can get through all of it and rebuild from the bottom. Maybe in delusional. Lol! I am for sure not in my right state of mind. I'm a good person who did a very bad thing because I was in pain. Im learning, trying and working on myself. It's all I can do."

 

 

 

Think for a minute about why you had the A, because you were in "pain".

There are many steps in the A and it did not happen all in one week.

 

there were many steps that you took to have the A.

 

Find a way with your counselor to explain this it your H.

 

So how safe will your H feel for the next time you are in "pain".

 

Your H is in more "pain" than you can imagine unless you have experienced this yourself. You can think you know the pain, but until you have experienced this pain, you do not know it.

 

But I do not think that would be a good reason for him to have an A.

 

the whole world is shattered! I wish she let me die instead of doing this to me. no self-esteem, nothing makes sense.

 

everything changes and the whole world is a horrible place.

 

good luck to you and your family. but find a way to explain this to your H, about your reasons for the A.

 

You H does want to understand the why of the A. He will think about it for many years.

Edited September 14, 2016 by harrybrown
edit

[ShatteredLady]

I'm a believer!

 

I think that the day to day of a marriage can be much better than before infidelity. Adultery can make a couple stop coasting, stop taking eachother for granted & make a couple really focus on their relationship.

 

No matter how good that marriage is, I believe that there will always be those moments when one or both are reminded of the agony & loss.

 

Infidelity kills something deep inside that I don't believe can ever be resurrected.

 

Mr & Mrs Adams might have the best marriage ever but I bet even Mr Adams still gets that sinking, horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach sometimes.

 

It was our 20th anniversary a couple of weeks ago. A neighbor said, "Wow! That's wonderful & at your age! There are so many temptations these days & so few young people know about commitment & loyalty!".

 

It just made me so very sad. I went indoors & cried my heart out.

 

I'm not saying that my reaction will be the same on our 30th or 40th anniversaries but we no longer have 'our love story'.

[understand50]

find a way to explain this to your H, about your reasons for the A.

 

You H does want to understand the why of the A. He will think about it for many years.

 

Harrybrown,

 

The problem maybe is that she does not know, or the real reason is lost to her. Mrs Adams once said John just could not understand and she could not really explain the "why". My wife really cannot explain, her ONS, or her over spending. The "why" is out of reach, for both. All we can say is that it happened, and that for the brief moment when it did, her family, her husband did not matter, and she did what she did because she could.

 

Trying to explain, just may not work because she just may not really know why. The best thing is to try and remember how, with the why being many layered, but in the end "they engage in this behavior because at the time the consequences do not seem enough to stop them" Be it love or fear, or embarrassment.

 

Ws2016, again, you have a hard road to travel on, and you are just starting a 1000 mile trek that will take a lifetime. The sooner you understand this is a long game the better for you. Try for a small steps each day. There will not be a one time large solution, it will be many small things that count.

 

I wish you luck...

[AlwaysGrowing]

Maybe that is an indication that recovery did not work out the way you expected it to.

 

 

Over the decades I have seen many a WS and BS that chose to recover rather divorce say that what they learned after the affair made their marriage better then it was before the affair.

 

 

I believe that a marriage or rather the parties inside that marriage become more aware of the awareness that one needs to bring to a marriage. They are more attune...they are present. By being present, they have an appreciation for the other party. So, absolutely...being in a marriage with appreciation/awareness is better than one in which we robotically live within.

 

In those marriages where infidelity has happened and both parties were able to have that growth....it is not uncommon to have a FWS who so deeply wishes that they could erase the affair. Many FWS become mama bearish when it comes to their spouse. Heaven help the person who tries to hurt them.

 

For those couples both beliefs reside within them. The marriage is stronger and a longing for fidelity to still exist. In some ways...the stronger marriage highlights the failing of the infidelity even more. It is usually the one thing that the FWS wishes they could give back.....fidelity.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I'm a believer!

 

I think that the day to day of a marriage can be much better than before infidelity. Adultery can make a couple stop coasting, stop taking eachother for granted & make a couple really focus on their relationship.

 

No matter how good that marriage is, I believe that there will always be those moments when one or both are reminded of the agony & loss.

 

Infidelity kills something deep inside that I don't believe can ever be resurrected.

 

Mr & Mrs Adams might have the best marriage ever but I bet even Mr Adams still gets that sinking, horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach sometimes.

 

It was our 20th anniversary a couple of weeks ago. A neighbor said, "Wow! That's wonderful & at your age! There are so many temptations these days & so few young people know about commitment & loyalty!".

 

It just made me so very sad. I went indoors & cried my heart out.

 

I'm not saying that my reaction will be the same on our 30th or 40th anniversaries but we no longer have 'our love story'.

 

I have said many many times...that not a day goes by that John does not think about my affair. It does not overwhelm him anymore...but it still causes him sadness...I suspect it will until we die.

 

We have been married 44 years. We celebrate each anniversary with joy and happiness. But that was not always the case....those first few holidays following my affair were hard....you don't really know how to react....because it is now different...but as time goes by....as trust returns and forgiveness happens....the holidays once again have special meaning and can be celebrated joyfully.

 

You have had a rough year....don't be hard on yourself...it takes time. and as for this "love story"... Love stories do not always have happy endings...sometimes marriages end...sometimes people die...and i am not sure they are what we are led to believe in Disney movies. Love stories...are not perfect....people have sadness and joy in real life....

 

If we place to much emphasis on the idea of the "love story"...we can miss what the "love story" is really all about.