Met up and got closure, BUT ex is not sure [updated 2016-08-08]

[DanH]

How do you do from meaning everything to them walking out like you're just some ordinary person? I get that I had made mistakes, but I'm human. (Nothing cheating wise) I feel like the love of my life just walked away and it sucks.

 

....exactly.

 

She barely even glanced at me walking through the door the other day. Wasn't that long she'd run with open arms.

 

I don't just feel like I've lost her, and her children... but somehow I've lost "me" too asphxis....?

[asphyxis]

....exactly.

 

She barely even glanced at me walking through the door the other day. Wasn't that long she'd run with open arms.

 

I don't just feel like I've lost her, and her children... but somehow I've lost "me" too asphxis....?

 

I'm struggling with that everyday. He would talk about how much he cared about my son, and what a wonderful mom I am. For a while I questioned myself if this was real, and now I question if anything he said was real because I certainly feel like a bit more than half of me is just ripped away and gone. Stomped on and torn to shreds as if I was just garbage on the side of the road.

[Bialy]

I'm struggling with that everyday. He would talk about how much he cared about my son, and what a wonderful mom I am. For a while I questioned myself if this was real, and now I question if anything he said was real because I certainly feel like a bit more than half of me is just ripped away and gone. Stomped on and torn to shreds as if I was just garbage on the side of the road.

Stay strong, friend It's hard to move on quickly when there is so much to digest. The emotional rollercoaster is NOT fun.

 

Grieving is an important part of the process, IMO. Stay active, but also let those emotions out. Don't bottle it. Use this forum! We're here to help as best we can during these tough times.

 

THINGS WILL GET BETTER!

[DanH]

I've never wanted anything in my whole life as much as I want her, and them, all back.

 

I honestly wish I could get angry with her, for treating me like... well like **** if I'm honest. But I can't. Can't see or feel past the loss.

[Bialy]

I've never wanted anything in my whole life as much as I want her, and them, all back.

 

I honestly wish I could get angry with her, for treating me like... well like **** if I'm honest. But I can't. Can't see or feel past the loss.

Yes, I was just telling one of my relatives that. If things ended on an ugly note, it would be easy to cut ties and never think of the person positively.

 

My ex told me, "I think about you a lot and I miss you everyday."

 

These things, I wish he hadn't said!! It would have been so much better if he had said, "Please move on. I'm seeing someone I love and I am not looking back at all. We're done."

 

It's harsh, but clear.

[juniorrocha]

My ex told me, "I think about you a lot and I miss you everyday."

 

These things, I wish he hadn't said!! It would have been so much better if he had said, "Please move on. I'm seeing someone I love and I am not looking back at all. We're done."

 

That would hurt just as much. The thing here is not what they say: it's what you make out of it.

 

The other day I contacted my ex because I had this file she had been looking for. So I sent it to her. She said "I miss you". I said "good night". I do believe she misses me, but I'm not going to read too much into it, because if she wanted me back, she would've made it clear instead of sending these minuscule breadcrumbs.

 

I saw somewhere here in this forums somebody saying "whenever you think of them, say to yourself 'it's not mine anymore'". That helped me a ****load. Whenever I think of her or anything that gets me sad, right after I think "she's not mine, she's free, and so am I".

 

It's been almost a month since she dumped me (again) and I'm really enjoying my life! I'm also just like you guys, I don't feel like getting to know anyone at the moment. The time for that will come. For now, I'll continue working on myself. I've made lots of short and long term plans which I want to accomplish. None of them involve somebody else. Make your dreams come true. And focus on your new life.

 

Every end is a new beginning.

[Bialy]

Thanks for sharing your story, Junior. It really means a lot to have people share.

 

I reached out to my ex and we will be meeting on Tuesday after work. I don't have any expectations other than to say my peace (no malice) and receive at least a better sense of closure and to convey to him why this is significant (he is my first love --- first love is the hardest to let go!)

[Sunkissedpatio]

Sunkissedpatio, that sums up exactly how I feel too.

 

6.5 years just finished...

(well, I just realised it was 5 weeks today she told me we are over. I continued to give space and hope for another 2.5.... okay still am really )

 

i still feel wretched. In fact I've just been prescribed beta blockers for the anxiety on top of the anti depressants I had last week.

 

She was to be my wife first week of September, but a fortnight after telling me that, maximum I had this text how she was "just starting seeing sum1"

I suspect that text to have been very carefully worded and in effect I've been dumped for someone else. Whilst having been deflected other reasons...

( " you kept me waiting too long Dan..." the one has me scratching my head the most )

 

I'm amazed at the clarity you're able to bring here already. I don't think I've truly even accepted it's over yet.

 

Oh dear I am so sorry DanH! That sounds horrid. But the blame game sounds text book. Mine had his laundry list of "blames" and finger pointing. He even said to me point blank: "I blame you for all of it" this is the weekend after he spent the entire weekend with "her" and came by our place to pick up his stuff that was left behind earlier in the week while he was still making love to me all week and telling me I was his life and loved me SO much, leaving me love notes on the bathroom mirror.

 

Talk about mindfckery to the extreme!

 

I was thinking I would have wanted mine to tell me he met someone else (rather than have to hire a PI to give me my answers) but in reading your story I don't know anymore...it's all despicable and highly painful and deep cutting and traumatic and scarring and just ugh...

 

We are suffering the break-up, plus the dreams we had for the our future marriages, PLUS the deception of being a freaking cheater when we thought we knew our mates. It's SO much more than the suffering of a breakup...

Selfish pricks they are.

[NIGHT1985]

Yep my ex is with a guy that has a daughter and she's in love with him. All her pins were about traveling with a family and doing crafts with kids. Funny thing is, when we were together she wasn't very open to the idea of having kids, but she's sure in heaven with her new family

[Sunkissedpatio]

Yep my ex is with a guy that has a daughter and she's in love with him. All her pins were about traveling with a family and doing crafts with kids. Funny thing is, when we were together she wasn't very open to the idea of having kids, but she's sure in heaven with her new family

 

What's up with that? They say they are not into all these things and then they jump ship for the first schmuck that offers them exactly that.

[juniorrocha]

Well, people change. Maybe it wasn't her biggest wish, but maybe when she had it she realized it's enjoyable. Or if that's not something she is into, she might be doing it now just to see her new guy happy. Eventually that will get tiring and she might get rid of him. lol

 

That's why the best you can do is stay away from your ex's life. The only thing you're going to get out of it is more damage to yourself. They may be doing now things you thought they never would, or worse, things you always wished they'd done for you.

 

Doesn't matter anyway. You don't belong there anymore.

[Bialy]

Two days until I meet with my ex for my definitive closure. I know a big part of closure comes from within myself, but I need to see him face-to-face one final time.

 

I'm going to be positive. It's not in my personality to take the negative route. I may only express sadness in how he chose to reveal his new relationship --- via text --- as someone who is my first love and someone who I spent 7-8 years sharing aspects of my life with, that hurt so much. NOT that he was seeing someone new, but the manner in which I found out.

[DanH]

Since I last posted here a few days ago, I have now seen... witnessed how far my ex has come since dumping me. In the time I've spent trying to function normally, she's a month deep into a relationships with someone new.

 

Who she's maintaining that although they met in june, when we were still together, she didn't look at him that way until we were over.

 

It must've been the most miraculous, near instantaneous turn around.

 

She almost had a conversation with me on friday. Almost accounted for herself. But was so bust, excitedly doing her make up and dressing up for her date with him when I took out daughter back, I got a few cursory sentences.

 

"..... I understand this is probably difficult for you..." she said, almost making eye contact.

 

Very big of her, don't you think...?

 

I'm starting to believe its this simple: that no matter what you define as officially "seeing" someone. I have indeed been dumped three months before our wedding day, for someone else.

 

She woudn't even have sent me the pitiful text she had done, if our daughter hadn't come down from bed with stomach ache and found him watcing telly n the sofa. Which was just 7 days since I'd last been there, and been "ended".

I believe my fiancee wouldn't have told me for weeks. Maybe even months, had that not happened.

 

Then by the time it had got out she was in a new relationship, no one would even have considered the idea she'd directly dropped me for him.

She could carry on, morally beyond any questioning.

[Bialy]

I'm so sorry, Dan. I know how you feel, 100%. I don't understand why some people find it difficult to respect someone enough to tell them the truth --- to simply say early on, "This hurts to say and I have struggled to find the words, but I'm seeing someone." It's the manner in which they try to conceal and avoid the conversation altogether that hurts the most.

 

If you respect and value someone, telling them, instead of being evasive is the only way to at least give the person some respect and as someone you've shared your life with for a number of years.

 

It's cowardly. They hope instead that we won't ask and will just disappear. They forget the HUMAN factor. We have emotions and have shared with these people.

[Bialy]

I care too much, I think, and that's what makes this hard. I HAVE been getting better and each day IS getting better!

 

When I see him on Tuesday, it won't last more than 30 minutes tops as I just need this to end on a POSITIVE note and HIGH note because my next life chapter is going to kick ass, I'll tell you that.

 

I've sketched out more or less what I plan to say.

 

Ray, I know you probably think it's silly that I wanted to meet with you soon, but there are things that I just can't say in person! Texting is so impersonal. You were my first love and someone who I shared so much of myself with for nearly 7-8 years.

 

I want you know, absolutely and truly, I'm happy for your new life chapter - the new home, your new life. I'm proud of you and so happy for you - we've both come a long way since our first date. Seriously, WOW!

 

I understand it was hard for you to let me know that you had been seeing someone got months - I know this was something that you just couldn't find the words to say. I don't hold any malice or hate in my heart towards you. You were my first love! We've been through a lot these 7-8 years and leaned on each other during hard times. I remember being there for you when you had work struggled early on and when you lost your father. I remember when you were there for me when I realized my old boss was treating me like her assistant and I remember walking down the Alexandria waterfront laughing and having moments of pure bliss and happiness. "When I'm with you, everything feels right and I feel safe." You told me so many times.

 

I've learned so much from our time together and I wish you so much happiness in the future.

[lazurous]

I dont believe that you're emotionally unattached enough from the situation to break no contact. Your best chance of healing is to think rationally and move on from the relationship. I think youre trying to justify your actions by labelling this as something beneficial and positive (closure) while you may or may not know seeing this person will just hamper your individual healing process. The illusion of closure being so easy to achieve through a falsified epiphany and final goodbye is tempting, but true closure comes from living life and moving on.

[Bialy]

I dont believe that you're emotionally unattached enough from the situation to break no contact. Your best chance of healing is to think rationally and move on from the relationship. I think youre trying to justify your actions by labelling this as something beneficial and positive (closure) while you may or may not know seeing this person will just hamper your individual healing process. The illusion of closure being so easy to achieve through a falsified epiphany and final goodbye is tempting, but true closure comes from living life and moving on.

 

You are totally spot on. LIVING LIFE and MOVING ON are the keys to closure. And with each day I'm getting better. At some point, I know I will reach that point in moving on where I will look back and think, "OMG - why was I so emotionally wrapped up in that when I'm in a better situation now."

 

So then seeing someone after a breakup should be light-hearted and more care-free and shooting the breeze? I see this as my last time to see him as I suspect things are going to escalate for him.

 

When we would go on breaks, he would give me similar talks as the one I wrote above. I think it has been our way of digesting aspects of our life and relationship.

 

I don't know if this is a falsified epiphany. I'm trying to approach this honestly. After that, it will be clear to him that these fake promises of "friendship" are out of the question.

[lazurous]

We can never know our true selves. The mind is paradoxically too complicated for itself to understand. You will never know whether or not you are doing this because you believe that it will get him back by eliciting memories of you that lead to happiness in him or because it objectively is the healthiest thing for you in that you have to endure more pain to learn the truth. I think all you can really know is that he chose not to be with you and you are not with him. I believe that the best course of action for you is to leave him alone and save yourself from the emotional trauma of seeing him again. Brain imaging has likened breaking up to grieving a death. If you see him, say goodbye and then dont see him again, wouldnt that be the same as seeing a person die all over again? I say to you, dont go through with this, it will only cause you more pain. I went through the same thing after the end of my first serious relationship. Most people have to learn the hard way though because the tragic truth is that pain is the biggest catalyst to growth which is what you may or may not be seeking.

[Bialy]

We can never know our true selves. The mind is paradoxically too complicated for itself to understand. You will never know whether or not you are doing this because you believe that it will get him back by eliciting memories of you that lead to happiness in him or because it objectively is the healthiest thing for you in that you have to endure more pain to learn the truth. I think all you can really know is that he chose not to be with you and you are not with him. I believe that the best course of action for you is to leave him alone and save yourself from the emotional trauma of seeing him again. Brain imaging has likened breaking up to grieving a death. If you see him, say goodbye and then dont see him again, wouldnt that be the same as seeing a person die all over again? I say to you, dont go through with this, it will only cause you more pain. I went through the same thing after the end of my first serious relationship. Most people have to learn the hard way though because the tragic truth is that pain is the biggest catalyst to growth which is what you may or may not be seeking.

 

THANK YOU! I really appreciate your feedback. It makes absolutely sense.

 

Today (just an hour ago) something was revealed to me that has me feeling absolutely amazing! HUGE EMOTIONAL WEIGHT LIFTED. I won't go into any details - but I have FOUND closure. And I didn't need to see him at all as I had suspected. I'm so surprised. One detail has changed my entire outlook.

 

 

He is NOT the man for me --- never was, never will be. And I'm freaking happy!

 

It feels so weird to have gone through a funk these past two weeks, finding out more, and now feeling absolutely liberated.

[Bialy]

I'm at a new stage of my breakup journey.

 

Purging mementos, gifts, pj t-shirts he left here, books.

 

Some stuff I'm absolutely not trashing/donating -- like a few cool comics art pieces we picked up on a road trip.

 

What do you do with mementos? I have mine in a shoebox. I haven't even opened it up in months. My feeling is, it's OK to keep it. Those were good memories and maybe years from now I'll trash them. For now, I see that shoebox as representing a significant, transformative part of my life.

 

How have you handled this sort of thing?

[NIGHT1985]

I'm sort of a nerd and my ex quilted me a blanket, painted me nerdy paintings and framed me a really cool craft design. She put a lot of hard work and love into these things, so I won't throw them away, just box them up

[jen1447]

Don't get rid of anything unless it's actually meaningless to you. (Or until it becomes meaningless.) It's one thing to toss out a shirt that's nothing more than an old shirt but if it's a Shirt That Represents Random Meaningful Big Thing In Your Life (pleasant or not), prematurely getting rid of it makes a little part of you die, bc it's not the shirt, it's you. Don't do that to yourself.

[Silver_star]

I think you are handling things well.

 

 

My first REAL boyfriend wrote me a love note. I threw it away after the break up thinking that I shouldn't hold onto such things...i do regret it. It was a nice note from someone who cared about me at some point in my life, and life/circumstances changes, but its nice to have those memories and mementos to smile at.

 

 

So more recently I have been doing a similar thing as you, with the shoebox. I keep my mementos in there. Notes, memories from our trips together. My pictures from our trips I keep in a folder on my computer. Its nice to look back on later on when you are well over each other. It's important to keep those things out of sight and not dwell on those memories now. You can look back at those times with fondness later on when it wont hurt you.

 

 

I did donate a t-shirt of his that I couldn't give back at that point without contacting him. I of course kept the small gifts he had given me, they don't really bother me or just remind me of him at this point. They used to though.

 

 

Best bet is to take everything that reminds you of him and put it in a box for later. Make decision on what to keep/throw away 3-5 months no contact.

[Bialy]

Yes, I know that it's probably not healthy to see my ex, but last week we made a plan to meet today. There are things I need to say.

 

No, I don't want him back.

Yes, I know that things are still fragile for me at this time.

No, I don't have any expectations because he has officially moved on.

Yes, I know that any unresolved feelings won't go away at all.

 

We meet at 6:00pm EST. 4 hours from now.

 

I'm aware that this is the final time I may see him in a long, long time. My ex is 15 years older than me (48) and my first love... And even if it's 10, 20 years down the road, I'll always think of him and our positive memories.

 

I've learned so much - a lot of hard lessons from this - and I want him to know this.

[feelsobullied]

Be honest and say what you have to say from your heart. Do not say anything that may lead you regret later. Get all the answers and closure you need as this will help you close this in the future. I personally wouldn't do it.. If there is no future then there is no need to meet in my opinion. You only meet someone you want a future with and the guy wouldn't move on or tell you he has if it was right. I wouldn't give him the time of day at this point personally but if you are going, be honest with yourself and him.