Wife of almost 23 years wants divorce [updated]

[tinkerbell16]

Steen when did H finally realize the damage he had done? This is what would like to know..

 

Sorry for the hijack Jeff...

 

They "come back" to you when they realize the grass isn't greener. Or if they are too prideful or embarrassed or see you are not ever going to forgive them they may never come back but that doesn’t mean they wouldn't if they could.

 

Affairs typically end. Reality hits. They cycle through more relationships typically trying to seek what they lost. Their relationships and experiences and the pain they caused you changes them. They are no longer the person you married and likely not a person who you would marry.

[S2B]

I'm wondering if the papers got signed. I'm hoping they did!

[Steen719]

Steen when did H finally realize the damage he had done? This is what would like to know..

 

Sorry for the hijack Jeff...

 

Well, lets see. I divorced him in October, but didn't move out until the end of January. Those months and the months before divorce after I discovered what he was up to, he spent a lot of time happy, calling gf, leaving town. He really did not care about my feelings at all. Not exactly cruel, but really pretty cold. I moved out and for over a year, he contacted me mostly by email (my insistence, as I did not want to talk to him - no contact), but the emails were about business stuff, nothing really personal. Really, for about 1 1/2 years after I moved out. He NEVER asked if I was OK, did I need anything. At this point, he had moved in with gf about 4 hours away and wouldn't sell the house, would not make payments, did not help my son with college expenses and was mostly at her house (oh, and he made half of her house payments, though). I worked two jobs to help son in college and had very little money, lived in a crappy apartment.

 

He did not come home for father's day. I took my son out for father's day dinner. The gf needed someone with her after surgery. She had three grown kids in the city, had come 4 hours the weekend before and the weekend after, so it did not sound too serious, but that was his reasoning. Some months after that, he and the gf broke up many times (from what he told me later). He called me - oh, anyway, he wanted some sympathy, I guess. I tried to befriend him at this time as I wanted to have a good relationship with him for my son's sake. This did not last because he was just an ass, but during the brief time trying to be friends for son, he said he knew what he had done was wrong, blah, blah. I brought up that he had not made it home for father's day. He acted as if it wasn't a big deal, but admitted it was not good. When I told him that he had not even bothered to see if his wife of 23 years had needed anything after I had cared for his sorry sick self before and after transplant and he could not even bother to worry one little bit about me. He was actually surprised - oh really? I asked son about you.

 

UGH

 

Here is the thing. He finally did seem to realize that he had done some horrible things, let his son down, did not feel worthy of forgiveness, on and on. But, he is a narcissist or at least has some of those personality characteristics, so these kinds of feelings waxed and waned and he blamed me, didn't blame me, blamed me, didn't blame me and so forth for the next 3 years.

 

I would say he has a lack of self awareness, to say the least. Self centered, selfish people see their mistakes as things that hurt them more than things that hurt others. He felt bad about the things he did, but he felt just as bad about how much it hurt him than how much it hurt us. He was so sad when his relationship ended. Really, like a child. "I hurt so bad and you have always been there for me."

 

I can't say that my feelings changed in one fell swoop for him, but over time, I realized that I did not feel the same for him and never would. At some point, I felt sorry for him and just wished he could find some peace. I wanted him to have a good relationship with our son.

 

He ended up being pretty verbally abusive to me and abusive through text messages. He just could not let it go that I had left him and he was without his family and home. We foreclosed and I don't think (but do not know for sure) that he had much of a social life. I cut him out of my life, sending him an email explaining why and telling him that I would contact the police if he continued to contact me with abusive texts. There were a couple of reasons he really did not want that, so he has left me alone. Too bad, but that is the way it had to be for me.

 

Sorry, not a short answer, but the shortest I could give right now.

[tinkerbell16]

Jeff,

 

How did the paper signing go?

 

Tink

[Marc878]

Good luck. Hope it's short and sweet!!!

[Jeff1690]

Okay her is the next chapter in this epic adventure lol. Upon the advice of quite a few of you I sent the wife a text stating that I was coming down south bring the divorce papers. In this short discussion, I stated I would be down there six times. She advised she had a dental appointment at 1100hrs. I told her I would be there by 1300 and to text me the address of the bank we would meet at to see a notary. For those of you who have forgotten back like in chapter six of this story LOL We were to file uncontested divorce papers and all my state requires is a notary to sign them and you turn them over to the court house.

 

Well when it was time for me to leave yesterday I gathered up a lot of her mail and put it on the table by the garage door. Got my riding jacket down in the man cave and about 20 minutes later came back upstairs. I discovered the mail was gone.

 

I then realized I had heard my oldest son leave the house. So I send him a text and asked him if he got the mail. He advised in the affirmative. I asked why and he stated he was meeting his mother for lunch. I then asked him where he planned on meeting because I needed the mail to give to her.

 

He advised that he was meeting her here in our city. I then texted the wife to find out what the hell was going on because I was headed south. She stated she had told me she had a dental appointment and didn't know why I was headed south.

 

I checked our text messages from the night before and ensured that six times I said I was going there and told her so. Anyway, I asked her what time she planned on meeting me and to meet at our bank.

 

So the meet was set for 1300. Now I made sure I looked damn good. For those of you who don't know I gave all my clothes to goodwill. I have spent a small fortune on top of the line quality clothing in an effort to spend the same amount of our money from joint account as she has spent on clothes in the past year. Needless to say I have a dump load of super nice clothes now. IN the past I have been frugal and despite making good money would buy cheap shirts at places like WalMart. The wife has said absolutely nothing about my expenditures. Probably because the couple times that she has I quickly ticked off the thousands she has spent of our money and she gets real quiet because she knows she is being a hypocrite.

 

We met there and entered the bank. Because of my past job as a white collar crime detective I know all the tellers. I made zero small talk with the wife. I then proceeded to have a pleasant conversation with the tell notary teller. We had two copies of the divorce to sign.

 

While signing my copies the wife had already finished and out of the corner of my eye and to my disbelief I saw that she had started to cry. She still said nothing to me about being remorseful for her actions. When I turned and fully looked at her she said she had to use the restroom and left for about ten minutes.

 

The teller then asked why she was crying since according to what she had read the wife is the one filing. I then told the teller (known her a long time and though this was a bit inappropriate to say we have joked in the past like this.) that she was probably hurting because she had slipped on the side walk and had somehow got her best friends ex-husband's penis stuck between her legs. The teller literally blew a bit of snot out of her nose when she tried to hold back the laugh. I know a bit to much info but we are talking the truth here.

 

The wife came back ten minutes later fully composed but I could tell she was still crying a bit and she had put on her sunglasses. Upon completing the paper work we left the bank. The wife tried to say a few things but as I have been advised here in the past I just looked at her and said sorry that I didn't have time to chat I had an appointment. The wife fast walked away and got to her Jeep. As I left the bank and circled around through the traffic I could see her leaning forward on the steering wheel with her face in her hands.

 

At that point I went to visit a friend who is a car salesman at one of the local car dealerships. I purchased myself a present with part of my buy out money. I paid cash for a 2015 Toyota TRD Tacoma 4x4 crew cab pick up!!! I have always made sure the wife had new cars but have basically driven older vehicles our entire 23 marriage. This is the newest vehicle I have owned (not counting my Harley's ). The sexy beast is loaded. Did yall know that when you put that truck in reverse a tiny screen appears on the rearview mirror that is the video feed from the back up camera. I think I have spent more time putting that thing in reverse just to see that than driving lol. I have had the money for years and I should have been buying these top of the line vehicles the entire time. It is so silly I am impressed with something like this even though I have know about the technology for a long time. I guess finally owning something like the quality of vehicle my wife has been driving for years is making me giddy.

 

When I arrived home I got on FB and posted the following:

Well the papers are signed. 23 years of marriage down the ****ter. Thought I would be married the rest of my life but **** has other plans.

So maybe this Toyota will last longer than my marriage.

This is my new divorce day present to me! Had a sexy woman but now I have a sexy truck! Happy Divorce day everyone!!

 

Posted this with pictures of the truck. I know the soon to be ex follows my page. I think she will be a bit upset to see over 400 people wishing me well and saying they don't know what the hell the wife is thinking. They also like the truck.

 

So that is where we are at today kids.

[BluesPower]

Good for you Jeff. I am so happy for you I could just S*** myself.

 

I think you saw maybe a little Karma at the bank, just a little.

 

Please let us know how things are going, especially if she ever ad mints the truth, which she probably will not.

 

Upward and onward for you and your new life...

[Marc878]

She may have been upset and crying but she signed the divorce papers didn't she.

 

Nothing there. Time for you to move on.

 

You should block her on Facebook if you haven't.

 

Nice job even though I'm sure it sucked.

[LancasterAmos1966]

She may have been upset and crying but she signed the divorce papers didn't she.

 

You are right Marc --- tears or no tears, she knew how to sign her name.

 

Again, Jeff, I'm very sorry you had to face this chapter in your life story!!

 

You might not believe this, but it messes with my mind that you posted here just 60 days ago, and the papers are already signed.

 

Wow, this lady wasn't joking -- and it's stories like this, that have made me very strong on just letting go. Marriage counseling, losing weight, whatever are just stall tactics.

 

She wanted free, and no matter what you would do, she wasn't going to be happy until she could fly.

 

And remember Jeff, even though those papers are signed, the recovery is just beginning.

 

23 years is a long time to share life together. She will rent some space in your mind for awhile, but keep on posting here, work on that cabin, and don't forget to buy an iron to keep those shirts nice and crisp.

 

For a long time, something would go wrong in my life. I'd have a bad day, something that had absolutely nothing to do with my estranged wife would cause me to blame her anyway. Now, when something doesn't go well, I'm no longer blaming her.

 

When you get through the grief process (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, then acceptance) you'll know it.

 

But in the meantime, google "Ways to know that I'm over my ex" --- the tips gave me some goals to work on, and also helped me to know how far along in the process I was.

[Lowrider93]

Hi Jeff, Good to hear that the legal aspects of your divorce are final.

She did what she did to herself, you and the boys, now she has to live with that, it won't be easy for her to spin that into her own twisted reality.

 

Perhaps she saw the grass is greener on your side!

 

Peace

[S2B]

That's great you accomplished the goal despite her manipulation tactics!

 

She's predictable... Drama is always involved.

 

Glad you had a plan and happy you stayed on path!

 

Congrats on the new truck!

 

 

 

Ps - there's a reason she doesn't want you in her area... She hiding more than you think.

[Marc878]

That's great you accomplished the goal despite her manipulation tactics!

 

She's predictable... Drama is always involved.

 

Glad you had a plan and happy you stayed on path!

 

Congrats on the new truck!

 

 

 

Ps - there's a reason she doesn't want you in her area... She hiding more than you think.

 

Yep, you only know the "tip of the iceberg". The partial truth may filter out eventually but it won't be from her.

 

You know enough anyway at this point.

[CarrieT]

Bravo, Jeff!

 

Well played!

[aliveagain]

Wait until you post a picture of you on a date, that's when the real fun will start. If it helps, I really noticed that I thought a lot less about the ex after being intimate with another woman. It was as if the balance scale was reset and very little about what she was doing or with whom mattered to me as much. It felt good to know someone had interest in me and saw me as a person with a lot of potential. It was as if I turned an important corner in my life and my soon to be ex had no control over the path I was choosing. Every day became easier after that. Ask the rocket scientist out(try changing your hairstyle to something a little edgier).

[S2B]

So she allowed you to believe you would drive and meet her in her town.

 

And she planned to have lunch in your town with your son...

 

And she with held info that might help you understand things more clearly...

 

This is just the same as what she has done all along.

 

 

She doesn't care about inconveniencing you - she will cover up at all cost. Even use your son to betray you further... What a terrible person/parent.

 

And your son shouldn't be in the middle - yet SHE keeps putting him in strange situations to gain power.

 

Good work taking away her power play...

 

She is predictable... The sooner you eliminate all contact with her - the better healing you can do without her muddying the waters every time she needs her cover up.

 

When do you get your money?

[Scarletwolf]

Omg Jeff!!! What an ordeal!

Let me congratulate you. You have definitely handled this the best way someone could. Now that the divorce is final, let me tell you something about recovery. It's very, very close for you. I went through a similar situation not so long ago, and being pregnant didn't make it easier, lots of people criticized me. He finalized the PA but by that time I was truly done with the cheating and lies. Once I got notification the divorce was final it was a relief. I did keep the no contact rule, despite his many, many attempts to break it. I had my sister talk to him whenever he needed to discuss stuff about our children or the pregnancy. During this hard time i met someone who had gone through a very similar situation. We chatted and connected in a way I had never with another human being. Long story short, we got married. I realized I had moved on my ex the first time someone told me he was in a new relationship and I literally had no feelings. No anger, no pity, no hurt, I mean, nothing at all.

And some do try to come back you know? So be advised and don't let them in again. It's not worth it. People don't change, they might adjust themselves not to hurt others but they are what they are. Once a cheater, always a cheater, please remember that.

Congrats again and keep up moving on. You are one step closer to full recovery.

Edited September 20, 2016 by Scarletwolf

[tinkerbell16]

Jeff,

 

So friggin happy for you. It is a bittersweet day for you. She knows she has made a huge mistake. It's why she was crying.

 

It will haunt her forever. As it should.

 

You will however be so content and happy and at peace it won't hit your radar.

 

Don't look back. Well, you don't need to anyway with your fancy back up camera lol

 

Only good things are ahead of you now.

[S2B]

I think you handled it like a champ! Good work!

[Jeff1690]

Hey folks. Lots of comments and opinions. Whish it was like this for every thread. Folks have a lot to learn.

 

Bluespower-yeah just a little. Just that little bit of crying made me feel so much better. Not because I thought "Oh she still is in love with me and wants me back." It was just kind of like, good you are feeling just a small bit of the pain.

 

LancasterAmos1966-I have found it and will read it. I know I have a lot to learn on this journey "Ways to know that I'm over my ex

 

S2B-Ps - there's a reason she doesn't want you in her area... She hiding more than you think. My cousin (a woman) who was really close with my wife doesn't think she has more than one man. She does believe that after returning from Afghanistan four years ago and taking the job down south that once there, due to all her issues, she decided that she was happier alone with no responsibilities towards me. She cut me out of her life to slowly distance herself but didn't quite know if she wanted me out of her life and it was a slow gradual process. Once she made the decision that she thought she could handle her life alone is when she made her move and the BFF's ex-husband being a longtime cheater recognized the signs and pushed it further. She also said the toxic environment of everyone in her complex being a divorced woman also helped convince her.

 

Lowrider-Perhaps she saw the grass is greener on your side!

My cousin and divorce counselor friend of mine think so. They think do to the last two months of phone calls almost dropping to zero (and he lives here and works here) that he realized the big D was coming and dropped her like a hot rock. Now she realizes (they think) her dream boat was just using her for a piece of ass. And that the guy who really loved her and cared for her like a man should it packing his **** and moving on.

 

Marc-I don't think I will respond to you. You know what I am going to say. "Damn dude! Quit being right!" LoL

 

S2B-reference your second post, my friend that is the divorce counselor is of the opinion that the wife has realized she has really screwed the pooch (and other guy lol) and that getting me to head south was a way to forestall her crappy decision. Maybe in an attempt to figure out a way to try to win me back. He said he wouldn't be surprised that since she knew I would be heading back to work Wednesday working midnights it would give her time to show up Saturday and maybe climb into bed with me like she used to in the afternoon right before I usually wake and attempt to use sex as a tool to get me moving back to her corner since I have not had sex since August of last year.

As far as the money goes, well let us say I played that right. I told the wife before I signed anything a few weeks ago the money was to be in my account as soon as we got the refi check. That is exactly what happened. I also went ahead and moved all the money from savings that I was supposed to get. That way if she tried to screw me over at least I had cash in hand and could walk with or without divorce papers and the house would be totally in her name and I would not be in debt for it.

 

aliveagain-I too believe once I find a good woman and have sex (for about 30 seconds since it has been so long lol) and if she is into me and I have moved to the cabin the healing will definitely start as will the thinking less of her.

 

Scarletwolf So be advised and don't let them in again. It's not worth it. People don't change, they might adjust themselves not to hurt others but they are what they are. Once a cheater, always a cheater, please remember that.

Congrats again and keep up moving on. You are one step closer to full recovery. My thoughts exactly. She isn't getting anywhere close to getting back into my heart. I have repeated the once a cheater always a cheater mantra over and over to myself.

 

Tink-So friggin happy for you. It is a bittersweet day for you. She knows she has made a huge mistake. It's why she was crying.

 

It will haunt her forever. As it should.

 

You will however be so content and happy and at peace it won't hit your radar. Thank you for all your help keep the PMs coming. I hope there isn't a day that goes by that she doesn't realize it.

 

Lancaster-You might not believe this, but it messes with my mind that you posted here just 60 days ago, and the papers are already signed.

Believe me it messes with mine as well . My wife is not like most women. She is also a thinker and planner. I think she really thought her actions through. I also think she thought our marriage through and her ability to handle it on her own or if she should try to save it. Her desire to be free won out. But she fit her personality to a T. Once my wife makes a decision and she thinks it is right she goes 100%. Bad thing is that she has this little quirk that even once she has started something and she discovers before it is completed it is wrong she refuses to stop or admit she is wrong and attempts to steer whatever the decision was to coming out like she wants. She also fits one of the SA victim profiles that describes this thought process perfectly. Now that it is over I will be willing to bet she will attempt other relationships but will be planning on how to recover and make right her mistake. She will do the other relationships because she will want the appearance to everyone that she made the right choice. However she will possibly have another goal in mind. Correcting the mistake and coming to get me back.

I say this because I know her thought process as well as like my SA counselor friend said-She is a perfect text book example for a SA victim with her personality and thought process.

[Jeff1690]

Also want to say I will keep everyone updated. I don't think all the drama is over for some reason.

[Marc878]

When will the divorce become final?

[tinkerbell16]

It's not over. It's a journey. I predict she will "return" when you have moved on.

 

Pretend that scenario is 100 true and decide now how you will handle it.

 

It will be easier to handle if you have it scripted.

 

You will never feel the same about her. It's like the woman you loved died. The new version is not someone you would marry or likely even date.

 

Keep this in mind.

[kgcolonel]

Jeff,

 

I think you're right about the drama not being over....you still have the connection through the boys. Do they both know the papers have been signed.

 

I am assuming the oldest did not know anything about your intention to take the paperwork to the ex and was innocently taking the mail to her. Has he had any additional reaction to the evidence of the A to you or your wife?

 

I see this as interesting as your youngest was solidly in your court regarding his disgust for what your ex was doing but not the same reaction from your oldest. Where are they now with reference to the A and how they see their mother?

[Marc878]

The My cousin (a woman) who was really close with my wife doesn't think she has more than one man. She does believe that after returning from Afghanistan four years ago and taking the job down south that once there, due to all her issues, she decided that she was happier alone with no responsibilities towards me. She cut me out of her life to slowly distance herself but didn't quite know if she wanted me out of her life and it was a slow gradual process. Once she made the decision that she thought she could handle her life alone is when she made her move and the BFF's ex-husband being a longtime cheater recognized the signs and pushed it further. She also said the toxic environment of everyone in her complex being a divorced woman also helped convince her.

[/quote

 

Sounds like the cousin may have know what was going on all along.

[Marc878]

It's not over. It's a journey. I predict she will "return" when you have moved on.

 

Pretend that scenario is 100 true and decide now how you will handle it.

 

It will be easier to handle if you have it scripted.

 

You will never feel the same about her. It's like the woman you loved died. The new version is not someone you would marry or likely even date.

 

Keep this in mind.

 

When she cut you out and asked for the D she could have cared less about how much it hurt or affected you. Know and remember who she is and what she's capable of. This will help you completely detach and move on quicker.