Wife of almost 23 years wants divorce [updated]

[Jeff1690]

Well I picked up my youngest son up at the airport after his trip to El Paso. On the way home he brought up his mother and the divorce and he and his brother's relationship with her.

 

He stated while he is proud of what she has done and accomplished in her career the past five years she has in opinion been an absentee mother and wife. He went on to talk about before that she was the greatest mother in the world and he could see how happy she and I were together. He said he and his brother have both heard me on numerous occasions ask the wife to do things while she was at home but she would decline as she sat at her desk doing work on her off days. He said her heard her say one of the reasons for us splitting is we never do anything and she seems like a hypocrite in his opinion.

 

He really hit the nail on the head and said it was like she was trying to re-create her own family growing up. Tink hit on this in a PM to me. He really is good at reading this stuff. He is studying Psychology for his degree. I told Tink he is either reading this board and others like it or he is really paying attention in class lol.

 

It is sad that she is creating what she tried to escape when she left home and it is like she does not even realize it. Son also said it is like she is re-writing what happened in the past to justify what she is doing.

 

It is really sad that even my 20 year old son can see this but she can not. He told me some of the things he and his brother plan on saying to her after I leave the house and the divorce is final. After I leave and hit her BFF with the information I have on her ex and my wife, then my boys hitting her, plus the letter I intend to send her with the wedding ring in it and all my evidence it is going to be a bad month for her. Unless of course she continues to ignore everything and continue down the path she has chosen.

 

Son also burned my ass about some things I said. I told him how one of my desires is to travel, live life well, and make my new home something to envy and let his mom see what she is losing. He just looked at me and said that is the stupidest thing I have heard you say. If you aren't going to do all that for yourself then don't bother. Who cares what mom thinks. I then said I was doing it for myself and his mother seeing me succeed without her was secondary. He just said you said the first thing that was the most important. Lose that train of thought. Not sure if it is going to be good have a psychologist/psychiatrist in the family. He was absolutely right though....damn got schooled by my son.lol

[S2B]

No need to send her your wedding ring.

 

Just try and feel neutral = nothing.

 

The ring will have no effect on her as she has no conscience.

[Marc878]

Smart kid and he is spot on. Live and do for yourself.

[Steen719]

Well I picked up my youngest son up at the airport after his trip to El Paso. On the way home he brought up his mother and the divorce and he and his brother's relationship with her.

 

He stated while he is proud of what she has done and accomplished in her career the past five years she has in opinion been an absentee mother and wife. He went on to talk about before that she was the greatest mother in the world and he could see how happy she and I were together. He said he and his brother have both heard me on numerous occasions ask the wife to do things while she was at home but she would decline as she sat at her desk doing work on her off days. He said her heard her say one of the reasons for us splitting is we never do anything and she seems like a hypocrite in his opinion.

 

He really hit the nail on the head and said it was like she was trying to re-create her own family growing up. Tink hit on this in a PM to me. He really is good at reading this stuff. He is studying Psychology for his degree. I told Tink he is either reading this board and others like it or he is really paying attention in class lol.

 

It is sad that she is creating what she tried to escape when she left home and it is like she does not even realize it. Son also said it is like she is re-writing what happened in the past to justify what she is doing.

 

It is really sad that even my 20 year old son can see this but she can not. He told me some of the things he and his brother plan on saying to her after I leave the house and the divorce is final. After I leave and hit her BFF with the information I have on her ex and my wife, then my boys hitting her, plus the letter I intend to send her with the wedding ring in it and all my evidence it is going to be a bad month for her. Unless of course she continues to ignore everything and continue down the path she has chosen.

 

Son also burned my ass about some things I said. I told him how one of my desires is to travel, live life well, and make my new home something to envy and let his mom see what she is losing. He just looked at me and said that is the stupidest thing I have heard you say. If you aren't going to do all that for yourself then don't bother. Who cares what mom thinks. I then said I was doing it for myself and his mother seeing me succeed without her was secondary. He just said you said the first thing that was the most important. Lose that train of thought. Not sure if it is going to be good have a psychologist/psychiatrist in the family. He was absolutely right though....damn got schooled by my son.lol

 

Jeff,

My son was about 20/21 when my XH was found out. The backstory is a little different from yours and you can read it if you are interested, but I was married 22 years and have been divorced 5 years. My son also was very intuitive about our situation and was pretty disgusted by his father's actions. They have reached a better place, although it will never be the same, they do have contact now. I'm glad for that, although I was not in the beginning. Truth - not nice, but true. I wish almost daily that I could take away the pain that he felt though that mess and how it affects him as a man, but the truth is, the decisions our spouses made and us too, affect our kids. Your son intuitively knows that it is better to move forward, so good for him.

 

What I wanted to tell you was that initially I was almost obsessed with wanting him to feel bad about what he had done to me, what he had done to his son, what he had done to us and how it had devastated me financially and otherwise. I resented him and it consumed me. Time helped me and reading a lot helped me and believing what I read about resentment being like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. It was true. He was not suffering in the least. He could have cared less that I was in pain. I learned a lot about myself through all of this, some of it I liked and some I did not.

 

I forgave him. It was killing me inside not to. When I realized that there was nothing I could do about the past, I forgave him. By the time, he and his gf broke up and he realized what he had lost, I just felt sorrow for him. I didn't want him back and would have never trusted him again. I didn't feel the same about him anyway. This isn't to say I don't have some good memories - I do. Wouldn't it be pretty sad to live that long with someone and not have those memories?

 

I hope this is how it will go for you as well. She may, probably will feel the pain of what she did at some point. When her new love isn't what she thought it would be (I mean, really, is it ever when it is built on someone's pain?), when her boys clearly do not have the same feelings towards her that they used to and it hits her that she did that to herself, when she no longer can look at herself and see that honorable, decent person - she will feel pain. The best you could hope for is that by that time, you will just feel sympathy for her and not take much pleasure in it.

 

That is where I got to. You will, too, and then you won't worry about whether she will feel regret or remorse. The very best thing to do is what you are doing. Be proactive, spend time with your sons, friends and family, do fun things and move into your new home. Things get better and her happiness or unhappiness will only be important to you in terms of your sons and their families.

 

Best to you.

[Tonofbricks]

That's solid gold right there Jeff..kinda cycling through some of this myself. Have lost the initial anger but still waiting on that fickle karma to visit...

[Jeff1690]

Steen great post thank you.

Ton been reading your thread on DB...wow.

 

Just a little update. Took a ride on the Harley up to Memphis with friends today. Gonna be my last ride for awhile since I go back to work tomorrow night. Had a great time today and I really needed it to do some thinking while riding.

 

Got home a little while ago. The youngest came in and talked some more about his mother. Then he said she keeps asking about me. This kind of shocked me because the oldest said she never does.

 

Not that it matters though. The only reason I bring up this point is that apparently the 180 works. The youngest said he mentioned to his mother when she asked how I was doing that I was doing great. Told her I had rode with a lot of friends to Memphis (which she didn't know) and then told her how excited I am about moving out and getting started on my new life. Then threw in that I had lost 20 lbs. and was looking like my old self. He said she was quiet for a bit then said that is great and that she had to go.

 

Thought great news she is thinking about what she has done....maybe don't really know. But I really did want to post this so that those of you who may read this looking for R or are separated that the 180 seems to be working as many here have said it does. I of course have been unaware until now that she has been asking about me. Gives me a bit of strength to keep it up and free myself, eventually, from the wife I used to really love. The woman she is now is not who I need in my life.

[S2B]

I hope your wife stops putting your son in the middle.

 

The only answer he should give when his Momasksabout you is "ask Dad directly, I'm not here to give you info about him".

 

Kids shouldn't feel they need to give info about others. It's just not right to ask kids to play that gossip role.

[Jeff1690]

I agree SB2. Not sure really why she asks. Maybe it is to ensure I am not doing anything stupid. Sometimes the youngest said he is the one who brings up the divorce with her. He too is taking this hard. Despite the distance that has grown between them I think he still wants the mother she was when he was younger. I really can't put into words what a great mother she was. Growing up the kids days, each and every day, were filled with doing things like crafts, hiking, camping, scouts, swimming, you name it she did it with them. Something fun and educational every day.

 

She pounded into, more so than I, the value of family and integrity. He is trying to understand just why she could change. Even though he seems to understand because of her past and current things going on mentally that she is not who she was and is basically re-creating what her family was like growing up.

[Jersey born raised]

Recreating past trauma is almost SOP in a case like your wife. I would guess if your really knew the OM you would find many of the traits that caused the FOO issues. (did you read downtown's posts on BPD? There is overlap.)

 

Part of the dynamic is rewriting the marriage history to recast you as the childhood abuser. Yes no objective person would compare you to her abusers. But you and them share one common trait - you are both critical parts of her life. Because you are a critical part of her life overtime you morphed into them.

 

Did others speak to you on this point?

 

Your son seems squared away. Listen to him.

[Jeff1690]

Recreating past trauma is almost SOP in a case like your wife. I would guess if your really knew the OM you would find many of the traits that caused the FOO issues. (did you read downtown's posts on BPD? There is overlap.)

 

Part of the dynamic is rewriting the marriage history to recast you as the childhood abuser. Yes no objective person would compare you to her abusers. But you and them share one common trait - you are both critical parts of her life. Because you are a critical part of her life overtime you morphed into them.

 

Did others speak to you on this point?

 

Your son seems squared away. Listen to him.

Well first day back to work. Not as bad as I thought it was going to be. Had a great experience in a way. I wanted to ensure my street level supervisors new what was going on and that I would be out of pocket from time to time due to building the cabin and the emotional roller coaster. I didn't go into all the details with them.

 

Later in the night one of them came to me to talk to me. He had gone through a divorce 3 years ago. I did not know all the details as he did not work for me at the time. We have worked together in the past and talked a bunch. I felt comfortable telling him all the details.

 

Turns out his ex-wife was a sexual abuse victim as well. His story was almost just like mine except he tried to R with his wife for a year. He said he had gone to a divorce support group and found up all the things he had done wrong. Yep he begged, cried, and kissed ass.

 

Then he did the 180 and went dark after the divorce. Said that two years later she came back but by that time it was two late as he has found a wonderful woman.

 

He knows my wife as well and told me things he bet she had said then said some of the things she would do. Told me he would bet a months pay she would be back a year and a half to two years. Talked about her creating her past just as you and others have stated Jersey.

 

Though I have been told in PMs and on this thread many things it was really good to actually talk to another person who had gone through the same thing. Really helped my mental state...well we will see what the roller coaster has to say about that lol.

 

Gave me a real positive attitude the rest of the night. Now just got to get building that cabin.

[LancasterAmos1966]

it was really good to actually talk to another person who had gone through the same thing.

.

 

That's for sure Jeff!!

 

Books and connecting online are helpful but they can't take the place of talking to someone that went through it.

 

Glad to hear the first day back on the job went Ok, and you got to meet a coworker that you can relate to. You'll probably be buddies for life.

[Tonofbricks]

Jeff , may have been a good thing that you were out for recovery..I know the first couple of weeks after BD at work was not very productive. Once you get back into a routine it will help.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi Jeff,

 

You are going to be amazed at how many men are in the same club you are in now. I took a job at a DIYS bug box while transitioning to a new field. Both my supervisor and the store manager belonged to this club. Huh ? You too? It helped put the focus on the fact issues are issues, adultery is adultery. One has nothing to do with the other.

 

I have re-read my past posts on your thread. I find my posts to be colder and blunter then I normally am. I began to worry that I had alienated you. I mean who the hell is this guy to tell me this ? But now, I think you get it!!

 

I tell you this (to echo your son's comment to a degree): adultery defines only the WS not the BS. What defines the BS is how they react to the adultery. Make yourself proud!

[Jeff1690]

Jeff , may have been a good thing that you were out for recovery..I know the first couple of weeks after BD at work was not very productive. Once you get back into a routine it will help.

 

Yes I agree. It was probably a good thing I was off even though sitting here at home was tough. I probably would have made a ton of mistakes I could not afford.

[Jeff1690]

Hi Jeff,

 

You are going to be amazed at how many men are in the same club you are in now. I took a job at a DIYS bug box while transitioning to a new field. Both my supervisor and the store manager belonged to this club. Huh ? You too? It helped put the focus on the fact issues are issues, adultery is adultery. One has nothing to do with the other.

 

I have re-read my past posts on your thread. I find my posts to be colder and blunter then I normally am. I began to worry that I had alienated you. I mean who the hell is this guy to tell me this ? But now, I think you get it!!

 

I tell you this (to echo your son's comment to a degree): adultery defines only the WS not the BS. What defines the BS is how they react to the adultery. Make yourself proud!

Don't think your posts were cold or harsh. I have thick skin and believe in honest constructive criticism and instruction.

[Jeff1690]

Man the wife just pissed me off. She called in reference to the refi money and wanted to make sure I was going to put the $589 that was extra into the joint account. I told her once again I really didn't think so because it would cover what she spent running down to the beach with her boyfriend. She said I didn't know what I was talking about.

 

 

I then went off about the thousands of dollars she spent on her apartment and clothes the past year and that apparently we had more money than I thought we had. All I got was silence and then she hung up.

 

 

It amazes me she just doesn't seem to think she has done anything wrong. Hell maybe she didn't go to the beach with her boyfriend, but she sure as hell went with someone using our money.

 

 

Freaking hanging up on me pissed me off. Now I just want to call her and cuss her out.

[Marc878]

180! 180! 180! 180! 180! 180!

 

180! 180! 180! 180! 180! 180!

 

180! 180! 180! 180! 180! 180!

 

180! 180! 180! 180! 180! 180!

 

Anytime you answer her call you give her the power over you.

 

What do you mean to her now? Half of $589.

 

She dumped you for the OM. Know where you are in her eyes.

[LancasterAmos1966]

I just want to call her and cuss her out.

 

I made a rule very early in our separation: No phone calls allowed. Period.

 

My emotions just couldn't deal with hearing her "calm, cool, collected" tone of voice acting like nothing was wrong. She acted like we were best friends for the past 20+ years instead of husband/wife.

 

I've had maybe 4 phone calls from her in the last 4 years....and they went to voice mail so I could screen her call.

 

Even though my emotions are strong enough to talk to her in-person from time to time, I have no reason to change the no-phone-call rule.

 

You know, Jeff, maybe you could find a "Divorce Care" class to attend.

 

You'd meet some local men that are going through the same thing, and could have a live person to talk to in person and call on the phone. I wound up meeting 2 buddies at these classes and although we eventually lost contact, I'm happy to say that we all helped each other out for a few years until we all just got better and sort of went our own directions. But I'll never forget them, I'll tell you that much!!

[Marc878]

All the best advice in the world will do you no good if you can't follow or use it.

 

No contact means no contact. She calls you answer. Why?

[S2B]

So she really only calls when she wants something from you.

 

You can now see why there's no value in taking any of her calls. And there's no reason to call her back. She wants to use you further.

 

When she leaves any message - she can learn that no answer is an answer = don't answer her.

 

Cutting her out of your life completely is to your benefit. It will leave room for a healthy woman to enter your life.

 

Your boys are adults - so you can deal with them directly and act like their Mom is invisible.

 

Whatever she asks -either don't answer or simply text back "NO".

 

She has some big balls asking you for any money at this point. It shows just how selfish she is. It also shows she is void of having a conscience.

 

She knows she cheated. She knows she used you. And she knows she can stay silent so you have no admission. But staying silent is still her way of admitting it.

 

There's really no value in any more interaction with her - she still lies and she's a known cheater. Let the new guy have her - good riddance.

 

 

 

EVERY time you take a call from her she intends to use you for something... You really want that for yourself?

Edited September 10, 2016 by S2B

[Jeff1690]

All the best advice in the world will do you no good if you can't follow or use it.

 

No contact means no contact. She calls you answer. Why?

You are correct

Well I hate that I have fallen off the wagon. All the great advice that worked when I properly did the 180 fell on deaf ears yesterday. Heck even after having a great talk with my co-worker had me felling so positive.

 

LancasterAmos1966 my friend has suggested it to me and given me the number. He said it did wonders for him. Probably need to sit down among several other cheated spouses and get my thoughts straight and my brain right.

 

S2B you too are 100% correct.

 

Number 1 I should not have answered the phone. But even though I did and got off I should have just went right back to 180 and not even acknowledge what she said.

 

Instead I was so angry I wanted to lash out. I have to admit I went even further off the wagon and gave her a piece of my mind and told her just what I thought of her and who she has become.

 

I guess I am back at the angry stage. The past several days I have worked out twice a day trying to release the aggression. Hell, my knuckles are bruised from beating the hell out of the heavy bag. I guess my biggest problem is that this woman has been my confidant for at least 25 years if you count when we were friends. She is who I went to when I felt weak. I never ever showed anyone friends, family, or co-workers any weakness. Heck I have always had people remark how I never ever let anything get me down and how I power through personal and professional problems. What they didn't know is that my wife is who I went to. She was my strength when I felt weak.

 

Now I literally have no one. I feel ashamed when I even think of telling a friend or family member how devastated I am, so I don't. Please keep the verbal beatings coming. Help pound common sense into my head. I have got to get back up once again and do what is necessary to heal and stay the hell away from my wife till I can move out and move on.

[Marc878]

Now I literally have no one. I feel ashamed when I even think of telling a friend or family member how devastated I am, so I don't. Please keep the verbal beatings coming. Help pound common sense into my head. I have got to get back up once again and do what is necessary to heal and stay the hell away from my wife till I can move out and move on.

 

This is nothing to be ashamed of. Many have traveled the road you are on.

You didn't cause this. It might be a good thing to seek a good Councilor or therapist for yourself.

[LancasterAmos1966]

this woman has been my confidant for at least 25 years

 

 

And that is why you are hurting!!

 

If you felt nothing, I'd say you were more like a room mate or a tenant for 25 years.

 

You WANT to recover, you WANT to get over her, and you WANT to enjoy life once again --- and having that desire is going to be a big help in you feeling better today, next week, next month.

 

This is the roller coaster of emotions we've all faced.

[S2B]

Getting angry at her is just handing her all YOUR power. It's a power imbalance - and she gets all your power every time she contacts you. Think of no contact as taking back YOUR power.

 

And I know what you mean by having a confidant all your adult years. It sucks - but it's also helpful to realize that the person they used to be no longer exists.

 

Counseling helped me regain balance. It took a while of practice... But I think you would benefit from some professional guidance to eliminate the anger and resentments you feel toward her. It might also help for your next gal you may meet.

[Jeff1690]

Marc878 sent this to me in a PM. Really helpful so I thought I would share.

 

12 Things I Learned in the First 12 Weeks of the Affair

Wayfarer 6 February, 2014

1. Tears Don’t Move Active Cheaters

Tears Don't Move Active CheatersWe can’t understand how our upset and devastation can be so cruelly and cavalierly dismissed or ignored, and yet it happens time and time again. We sob and wail and gnash teeth. We guilt and accuse and reproach. And yet, it’s as if they’ve been coated with some sort of emotional Teflon! All our grief and distress slides off them like a fried egg in a non-stick pan. It doesn’t even stick if we break apart.

 

An active cheater will do anything they can to separate themselves from any form of histrionics. They might tell themselves that it’s just manipulative melodrama, designed to make them feel badly about what they’re doing. They might even enjoy warm and fuzzy feelings that they’re so desirable that they have you swooning and fighting over them. They are most probably sharing your anguish as a source of great amusement and delighted ridicule between them and their affair partner.

 

If you don’t find yourself crying through this at some point, something’s wrong. Tears are your physical expression of your emotional state, and even if they don’t make you feel better, there is some relief to releasing the emotional floodgates.

 

“It is some relief to weep; grief is satisfied and carried off by tears.”

~ Ovid

If you do cry, don’t make a performance out of it for your cheater. Take yourself somewhere quiet and cry, scream, and vent it out, just for yourself.

 

2. Your Commitment Doesn’t Trump Their Entitlement

Part of remaining stuck in the worst of it is your refusal to accept your new reality. It’s incredibly difficult to understand why they don’t reciprocate when you’re committed and faithful. The Why? question becomes such a huge obstacle that you just can’t see beyond.

 

“Resilience is accepting your new reality, even if it’s less good than the one you had before. You can fight it, you can do nothing but scream about what you’ve lost, or you can accept that and try to put together something that’s good.”

~ Elizabeth Edwards

A cheater who continues an affair after it has been exposed or discovered, feels entitled to do so. They might believe that they are in love with their affair partner, or they might believe that you would never leave them. They could also feel that they deserve their affair as some karmic balance for some hurt or misfortune in their life.

 

No matter their reason, your continued investment and love won’t effect change in them. They have committed to a course of action, they’ve already decided that their affair is more important to them than the loss of you and their marriage. They may even enjoy having you at home, cooking, cleaning, washing their socks, and looking after the bills and the kids – in fact, you might be giving them all the at-home support that they need to be able to continue their affair.

 

3. There Can be Real Kindness in Strangers

Don’t underestimate the depth of compassion and support you find in infidelity support forums, and other support groups. Don’t underestimate how willing perfect strangers can be to offer you real and practical support and assistance.

 

The Kindness of Strangers

 

I tend not to personalize the posts to this site, but I am going to take this opportunity to thank the strangers who reached out to me with offers of financial help, care packages, and going out of their way to whisk me away from the madness for a few hours, and even buy me dinner. My gratitude to these people is immense – their kindness and support humbles me to this day. Not all the people who did let me lean on them will ever read this post, but the sentiment is out there in the cosmos, and this site exists partly in their honor.

 

4. Compassion Comes in Many Forms, and it Doesn’t Always Agree With You

Have you found yourself being irritated, angry, or upset with someone in an infidelity support forum, who has posted something that made you uncomfortable or annoyed you? There are a lot of good people on forums like these, whose perspective and experience gives them a different insight into your situation. Many people can see an alternative reality to the one that you see. Other people can view holes in your rationale, inconsistencies with your thinking, and when your choices seem unhealthy. That someone cares enough to take the time and make the effort to respond to you is their gift to you.

 

It’s easy to only see compassion in those whose views, beliefs, and style mirror your own, but people in support forums are there because they want to help others through a difficult situation. In my first 12 weeks, I found that no matter how different the views were to mine, people were there to listen, respond, and listen some more. People give up their free time in support forums willingly, and without an expectation of any reciprocation or compensation. Those people were a lifeline for me then – our differences did not lessen their concern and compassion, nor my gratitude for it.

 

6. Looking Through Your Wedding Photographs as a Terrible Idea

Enough said really. It’s easy to make the mistake of thinking that you know better, that it won’t affect you negatively. It will – there may not be an immediate fallout, but the tears and the upset will come. Yes, I speak from specific experience!

 

Try to put these types of photographs and memorabilia out of the way while your cheater is still in their affair. Keep them safely (don’t burn them in a fit of pique) until you’re emotionally ready to make a decision about keeping them or otherwise.

 

7. Laugh Often and Loudly

Chat IconsmallTransI know, it can feel like you will never laugh again, but you will, I promise you. Try to have some fun away from the affair drama – if you want someone to lift your spirits who understands what you’re going through, you are always welcome in the IHG Chat Room. Just pop in and say that you need some distraction from the gravity and angst of it all. Call a friend, go out for coffee, go to a movie … anything that will redirect you and let you laugh a little. It’s worth it.

 

8. There’s Always Someone Trying to Impose Their Agenda on You

Society, religious counselors, marriage counselors, pro-marriage forums, pro-divorce forums, sex addiction proponents, family, friends … Everyone has an agenda.

 

Some view your marriage remaining intact as the primary goal post-infidelity. Others may have a personal stake in your relationship and perhaps a personal axe to grind with your cheater. People give advice based in their own version of an ideal outcome for you – and that outcome might not be in your sole or best interests.

 

This site is no different. We do have an agenda, and it’s scrawled in bold type on nearly every page of the website. Our agenda is that you emerge from the affair with clear thinking, empowered to move forward in your life towards your own goals, your self-esteem intact, your own welfare secured, and you fully aware of the implications and authentic reasons behind your own decisions.

 

We won’t judge you negatively for deciding to stay for financial reasons, or leaving because you can get a really fantastic divorce settlement – in fact, we give you props for not shrouding it in inauthentic – though perhaps more ‘socially acceptable’ – excuses.

 

9. Affairs Highlight Patterns

Once you’ve had a few months of standing back and observing and questioning your active cheater’s behaviors, you will start to see patterns emerge.

 

The faithful spouse generally will claim that their cheater’s affair is completely out of character, and it can certainly feel that way. But if you start to peel back the layers, you can start to identify patterns in their behavior that are echoed in their affair mind-set. After a while it becomes obvious that the affair is just an extension of already-present attitudes and world view, it’s just that you had no cause to really examine it before. Maybe you can identify your cheater’s traits in these?:

 

I am always hard done by and downtrodden, treated badly by everyone, even though I’ve done nothing to deserve it.

I want the kind of good life I see in others and in the media so will take it where I can in that new TV, or designer suit, or big house. I deserve/am owed this minimum happiness.

My dysfunctional childhood has affected me and that’s why I can behave badly, but if you love me, you’ll understand me and make allowances.

I have an issue with impulse control and that’s why we’re deeply in debt.

I’ve always flirted and like to be the center of attention – it’s harmless.

I am edgy and deep and have a greater understanding of the meaning of life than others.

I am not constrained by conventional societal rules and structures, and I am amused and superior to those who buy into such artificial constructs.

My world view is one that I shall never change, and I will not be swayed into changing my attitudes, approach, views, or opinions.

10. You are Not the Person They Married

We all change over time, and we often change as a result of our changing circumstances. Being single, living by your own say so, under your own financial steam, and loving your independence while having fun in your relationship might be where you started.

 

2.4 kids, a dog, and a mortgage later, laundry bins overflowing, bills piling up on your desk, the car dying, a job you hate but pays well enough to support the family … life has taken its toll. You probably stopped hobbies you loved, lost touch with people you loved and had fun with, you might not be able to afford to keep going to kick boxing and cooking cruises … all these things change you.

 

Use this time to start to relearn how to be you. Discard the parts of you that you collected along the way that you don’t like so much, and focus on the parts of you that you love. Do things that bring out your verve for life, your fun side, your aspirations and flights of fancy. Don’t let their affair turn you into a shriveled, angry, codependent shadow of yourself.

 

11. Let Go

Let GoI am not suggesting you give up if you harbor dreams of a future with your active cheater, but I am saying that you have to look at this eyes wide open. They’ve chosen. They’ve chosen their affair over your relationship, and I know how it hurts to read that. A good friend of mine told me, “You lost, accept it and move on.” Ouch. But he was 100% on point.

 

Clinging on to an active cheater will likely cause them to ricochet further into their affair, and further away from you. Let go. Start to focus on your own life – don’t hold onto theirs by stalking them (or the affair partner) on Facebook. Stop trying to stay involved in your cheater’s life and relationship by checking their phone, reading their emails, trying to engage them in meaningful discussions about your marriage. Don’t weaponize your kids against them. Let go.

 

A cheater may return, they may not. The question isn’t what they’re doing – the question is about YOU and YOUR life, and how you want to live.

 

Let go – start living in singledom – figure out how to fix the faucet, go where you want when you want, start living a life – plug back into who you are. Leave them to it. If they come back, it shouldn’t be automatic that you accept them – by then, you might prefer life without them, to life with them.

 

12. Affair Fog? It’s You Who’s in it!

Your emotions are a bad influence on you right now. I know, you feel how you feel and you can’t switch that off very easily, even if you wanted to. However, if you removed the emotions that are clouding this whole situation and really looked at your cheater, who they are, how they behaved when the chips were down, how they responded to your anguish, it’s probably an ugly picture.

 

Two questions I often pose in the Chat Room here, are these:

 

1. If you met this person (your active cheater) for the first time, and saw all of this in them, would you even date them, let alone commit your whole future to them?

 

I haven’t yet had a single person answer that affirmatively with any seriousness.

 

2. If you were a multi billionaire, would you be making the choices that you are currently making?

 

Again, I have yet to hear anyone answer that they would make identical choices.

 

Our responses to this mess are influenced by our emotional state, our circumstances, and our personal values. The problem with our emotional state affecting our responses is that our feelings change, they’re mutable. Positive or negative feelings can wax and wane, and as such, they’re a really poor foundation upon which to base your decisions.

 

The reality that you face of financial insecurity, dependence, your home, your children, your future, is real. Try to put aside your emotional clouding and make choices that improve on each of those situations, preparing for the eventuality that you could well be facing life without your cheater. Think of how you feel today as an illusion that will change with time … because your feelings will eventually change towards an active cheater flaunting their affair.

 

Your Future

You can’t predict your future, but you can make robust and sensible plans that will assure your security, well-being, and independence. You know your circumstances today, and you know if they provide you with independent means, an ability to provide yourself a home and support yourself without reliance on anyone else. If that is NOT where your life is, that is where to start heading. Your life and happiness is not contingent on your active cheater and THEIR choices.

 

Get your life on track and viable in its own right, and then, if your cheater comes to you, cap in hand, you will have a new kickass attitude, a new focus, and a new sense of self-worth that says, “You know what? If you think you’re a good potential mate for my future, prove it.” And who knows, by then you might be dating someone else, who has never cheated on anyone, and you might find you prefer it.

 

When your world implodes you have to adapt to survive and thrive. You have to seize the opportunity to become who you want to be, who you are proud to be, even if your newly shaped peg doesn’t fit into the mold of your old hole.