Now I know what it feels like... [UPDATED 2017]

[whichwayisup]

I am indeed all over the place. A big part of me feels like what I have with the OW is real. I mean...I have been in a lot of relationships, and I really haven't felt anything like this. I don't think its fog. But...when I read other posts on here, I am behaving the same way that they are, somewhat deluding myself. Has anyone on here been successful in getting together with their AP?

 

I think you're missing something here, your MW has told you you're an affair partner. She is not divorcing her husband to start a new life with you. She likes her life as it is now, she has affairs and gets to stay married. Like you. So there's no way she's going to give it up, even more so since she's told you she isn't in love with you. You're only hurting yourself, she's been up front with you.

[RegretfulOM]

What you have with the OW is good, illicit sex. She's passionate, sexually open, and can't get enough of you. Those things are easy in an affair.

 

Other than how she looks and how she performs in bed, what do you know about her?

 

Is she going to stand by you through everything life throws at you? That's what commitment is about. All she's done so far is lay down so you wouldn't know.

 

Have you discussed what needs her husband meets and doesn't meet in her eyes and vice versa? If not, you're destined to figure out the hard way that you and she are broken, not so much your marriages. If both of you aren't willing to really get naked and expose those broken pieces of insecurities and expectations, you're destined to repeat this.

 

If you divorce, you owe it to your children to expose them to a healthier relationship than your marriage. It's the only way kids can possibly reconcile losing their family. Are you certain of that?

 

Thank you for your post. I am so high on her I can't even think straight. I know hardly anything about her! But still it just feels right. We really should learn more about one another. I am really worried that I am so caught up I will just jump at the first chance if the feelings are mutual. She sent me another very emotional message today, but...then again I'm away. So that could be the reason why. Its cruel though if she isn't serious. I can't focus on my family when she sends me those types of messages.

[RegretfulOM]

I think you're missing something here, your MW has told you you're an affair partner. She is not divorcing her husband to start a new life with you. She likes her life as it is now, she has affairs and gets to stay married. Like you. So there's no way she's going to give it up, even more so since she's told you she isn't in love with you. You're only hurting yourself, she's been up front with you.

 

Yes, she said that. But it feels like she is waffling on that these days.

[ladydesigner]

Thank you for your post. I am so high on her I can't even think straight. I know hardly anything about her! But still it just feels right. We really should learn more about one another. I am really worried that I am so caught up I will just jump at the first chance if the feelings are mutual. She sent me another very emotional message today, but...then again I'm away. So that could be the reason why. Its cruel though if she isn't serious. I can't focus on my family when she sends me those types of messages.

 

This is not good, do you realize you are willing to blow your whole life up over someone you know hardly anything about? Being in an A when you are married is cruel. She is doing what WS's do best keeping the hook out.

[rumblefish12]

I am indeed all over the place. ..... I don't think its fog. But...when I read other posts on here, I am behaving the same way that they are, somewhat deluding myself. Has anyone on here been successful in getting together with their AP?

 

Let's look at the stats. We all know someone who left a marriage for an AP and they lived happily ever after. That's anecdotal. The stats suggest only about 1-10% of MM will leave their BS for the AP. Among those that do marry, 75% will have divorced before the 5 year mark.

 

There are a lot of stats out there. So I don't know what stats to believe exactly, but they are all really bad. Don't make any rash decisions. You kind of sound like the posterchild for fog and limerence.

 

https://affairadvice.wordpress.com/2012/12/09/do-affairs-end-up-in-successful-relationships-13/

[HappyAgain2014]

Thank you for your post. I am so high on her I can't even think straight. I know hardly anything about her! But still it just feels right. We really should learn more about one another. I am really worried that I am so caught up I will just jump at the first chance if the feelings are mutual. She sent me another very emotional message today, but...then again I'm away. So that could be the reason why. Its cruel though if she isn't serious. I can't focus on my family when she sends me those types of messages.

 

It's good that you see how unrealistic you're being. Stay with that thought.

 

A decision to destroy your family has to be deliberate with clarity. You don't have that. Imagine your kids' little faces when you move out, tell them their life as they knew it is over and that you don't love mommy anymore. You may think you can hide your motives however one day they will know why (your OW) and will recall that moment with disgust for you. Even more so if they are subjected to a push/pull relationship with her.

 

If you aren't happily married, get a divorce. At least then it's about you and your wife. That's respectful. Help your children adjust to a new norm with your head clear of anyone else. You only get to do that once. Screw that up and you'll end up with kids who don't want to spend time with you post divorce.

 

After my divorce, I was very protective of my kids. They went through hell with their family ending and that didn't include the additional trauma of another person in the picture.

 

Before they met my now husband, I had to be reasonably certain that he was good for me AND them. It's a challenging process to navigate and it never ends. Divorce is never over for kids.

 

You have no idea and you need to be CERTAIN that what comes next is in their best interests. At this point, it's only in your best interest. You really need therapy and to end the affair. Get your head straight and commit to something. Otherwise, you'll lose everything.

[Poppy47]

I agree with Sandy.

 

Children are vulnerable. You are the one with the power to make or break their future lives.

 

Think carefully OM.

 

Poppy.

[RegretfulOM]

I kind of feel like I should apologize for not being strong enough to take the advice you guys are giving me. Sometimes you're just doomed. I've finally met my match. I'm seeing that I am being manipulated yet I am doing absolutely nothing about it. All of a sudden she wants to plan a weekend getaway for us. She is very successful so she says its on her. No AP has ever done that for me. I got caught up and I stupidly said yes. Even though I feel like the only reason she is doing it is so that she can one up the trip I am on with my family. I didn't say no though, so I guess can't be mad at her.

[Poppy47]

Wow! She knows how to play the game.

 

YOu are impressed, I can tell.

 

Poppy

[lilacwine]

I kind of feel like I should apologize for not being strong enough to take the advice you guys are giving me. Sometimes you're just doomed. I've finally met my match. I'm seeing that I am being manipulated yet I am doing absolutely nothing about it. All of a sudden she wants to plan a weekend getaway for us. She is very successful so she says its on her. No AP has ever done that for me. I got caught up and I stupidly said yes. Even though I feel like the only reason she is doing it is so that she can one up the trip I am on with my family. I didn't say no though, so I guess can't be mad at her.

 

Wow. The story is getting more and more interesting! Don't forget to keep updating us.

[Dancewithme]

All due respect, we're not the ones you need to apologize to...

[HappyAgain2014]

I kind of feel like I should apologize for not being strong enough to take the advice you guys are giving me. Sometimes you're just doomed. I've finally met my match. I'm seeing that I am being manipulated yet I am doing absolutely nothing about it. All of a sudden she wants to plan a weekend getaway for us. She is very successful so she says its on her. No AP has ever done that for me. I got caught up and I stupidly said yes. Even though I feel like the only reason she is doing it is so that she can one up the trip I am on with my family. I didn't say no though, so I guess can't be mad at her.

 

Clearly you want attention versus help. I'm out.

[Poppy47]

Clearly you want attention versus help. I'm out.

 

Don't think OM is asking for help at all. He is still playing power games with the A partner.

 

OM , you are all over the place like the dog's dinner. Do you want your wife or not?

 

Now you have accepted a weekend away with the A partner??? Seriously?

 

I'm out too.

Poppy.

[dreamingoftigers]

Several of you have asked for more details. I do have two children that are elementary school age. I always told myself I was staying for them. Regarding my marriage I wouldn't say it is bad, but we married really young. I didn't know myself then the way I do now. If I had it to do all over again I would have chosen differently. I feel like I am her fourth priority, behind her friends and the kids. I think sex is just a duty for her.

 

You know, us kids don't like you "staying around for us" when you are really just screwing around on our mother while having a convenient family at home "when you feel like it." Why do MM EVER say they are "staying for the kids." Are you "cheating for the kids" too?

 

I've gone to IC multiple times but couldn't stop. I didn't think of myself as a bad person, just not a good fit for monogamy. That's all changed now though. I know I would never cheat on my AP if we were together. Its to the point that I don't even look at other women like I used to. I used to always be open to entertaining others, now she is the only one I want.

 

If you aren't a "good fit for monogamy" you DONT GET MARRIED. Talk about betraying your values. Try a divorce instead of just screwing everyone over that's SUPPOSED to be important to you.

 

Whats so special about her? At first I noticed her because she is movie star/model attractive. But once I got to know her I realized she is also smart and funny. I just connect with her in a way that I have never experienced before. It almost feels spiritual.

 

This role reversal has not been fun. I can't have what I want so I just have to settle for what she is willing to give. According to her, her partner meets all her needs except sex, so thats probably all she is in it for. I am hoping that if we keep going eventually she will feel the same? The sad thing is I should be focusing on home but I can't. I spend my time thinking about how to win her. I think I am in love for the first time.

 

Gag.

 

So you married someone you werent even in love with?

 

You are a fraud and an abuser.

 

Tell your wife the truth and let her go.

 

You might as well tell the other husband the truth too.

 

What a pair you are. I hope you end up together just to save others from getting ensnared in your poor coping skills and useless drama.

[dreamingoftigers]

Wow, you really said it all. I'll admit that I am afraid of looking like a jerk. I am okay with 50/50 custody of the kids if I can get it though. I'm not sure how the courts work, but I'm no druggie or anything like that.

 

Yeah, usually serial-cheat narcissists are particular about their image-management.

 

Image is quite important for you judging by your other posts.

[RegretfulOM]

Clearly you want attention versus help. I'm out.

 

I don't think you're right about the attention, but I agree that I'm not ready for help based on the fact that I'm not even listening to myself right now. I acknowledge I know what needs to be done. But after looking at my actions this whole time if I can't even convince myself to do what I know is right, then I agree with you. I've wasted your time. Recording every single thought that I have is probably the wrong way to approach this. It changes depending on the hour.

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't think you're right about the attention, but I agree that I'm not ready for help based on the fact that I'm not even listening to myself right now. I acknowledge I know what needs to be done. But after looking at my actions this whole time if I can't even convince myself to do what I know is right, then I agree with you. I've wasted your time. Recording every single thought that I have is probably the wrong way to approach this. It changes depending on the hour.

 

It looks as though you haven't deeply considered anyone else in this mess you've solely created.

 

You also stated that you don't want to "look like a jerk."

 

That's pretty telling.

 

Not that you don't want to BE a jerk.

 

That you don't want to LOOK like one.

 

My father, who is also an adulterer used many phrases like "we eat dinner LIKE a family." Not AS a family etc.

 

From my experience with him as a father, and (totally anecdotally, I admit) a handful of others that had adulterer fathers, it's like they live superficially with their family. Not really as a PART OF IT.

 

That has a huge net effect on kids.

 

My boss is also an adulterer and I see very similar compartmentalization with his children and his now wife as well. (His children are grown and his first marriage dissolved when his affair(s) were discovered. Over the last couple of years he's been torpedoeing this marriage as well by being less present, even when he is physically present. And....of course he's cheating. Which is awkward for me because I work a lot in his home, have known his wife for almost a decade and do his books. So, yes, I know he's stepping out and of course like a typical narcissist, thinks he's super-smart and no one could put that together. Adult friend finder also doesn't have discreet billing, which I suspect he hasn't recognized yet. It used to be billed to his credit card as cupidbill. But it straight-up says the full AFF now. I wonder how many dopes have been caught with that.

 

Don't you find it somewhat interesting (or screwed-up, depending on your perspective) that you aren't really all that connected to anyone but someone who has the same superficial connections to others?

 

Love comes from investing in something. You aren't committed to anything, so how on earth could you possibly invest into a MOW and treat your children so crappily? That isn't love at all. You like the way she makes you feel about you. And it's like a random-reward system which is the basis for just about any addiction.

 

I don't know really what advice to give because I suspect you are pathological. As in, you will pathologically chase whatever is new and shiny while have your home-life already set up for you. The wives of serial cheats suffer immensely. It is a soul-sucking existence of wasted years. Check out Chump Lady (don't post there for the Love of God, the last thing the betrayed need is a pathological narcissist on a self-justification trip.) Those betrayed spouses often have lost the majority of their adult lives to a selfish person who never really loved or respected them.

 

Find a new shiny relationship every six weeks if you must. But do it as a single man. Don't drag your wife and children into you circus. They deserve so much better than your covert abuse. Your wife deserves the chance to find a man who understands fidelity, respect and someone that invests love into her. Full stop. Your children deserve more than a compartmentalized, superficial father who is in constant need of external validation.

[RegretfulOM]

I thought I should at least close the loop on this. It turns out she feels the same. So I am leaving my wife to be with her. I don't think this is fog, I've had too many relationships to not know the difference. I know folks say you shouldn't leave to be with someone else, but I honestly feel like this is for real. So I'm going for it. Thanks to everyone for the advice. I may regret it later. I do think wife will be hurt, but at I will at least make sure that she never has to work again with her settlement. She always did right by me, she just wasn't what I wanted.

[dreamingoftigers]

I thought I should at least close the loop on this. It turns out she feels the same. So I am leaving my wife to be with her. I don't think this is fog, I've had too many relationships to not know the difference. I know folks say you shouldn't leave to be with someone else, but I honestly feel like this is for real. So I'm going for it. Thanks to everyone for the advice. I may regret it later. I do think wife will be hurt, but at I will at least make sure that she never has to work again with her settlement. She always did right by me, she just wasn't what I wanted.

 

I think it's great.

 

If you don't end up cheating on each other than you protect the rest of the dating pool.

[ladydesigner]

I thought I should at least close the loop on this. It turns out she feels the same. So I am leaving my wife to be with her. I don't think this is fog, I've had too many relationships to not know the difference. I know folks say you shouldn't leave to be with someone else, but I honestly feel like this is for real. So I'm going for it. Thanks to everyone for the advice. I may regret it later. I do think wife will be hurt, but at I will at least make sure that she never has to work again with her settlement. She always did right by me, she just wasn't what I wanted.

 

Best of luck to you and if it doesn't work out with the OW please do not go back to your stbxw.

[lilacwine]

I thought I should at least close the loop on this. It turns out she feels the same. So I am leaving my wife to be with her. I don't think this is fog, I've had too many relationships to not know the difference. I know folks say you shouldn't leave to be with someone else, but I honestly feel like this is for real. So I'm going for it. Thanks to everyone for the advice. I may regret it later. I do think wife will be hurt, but at I will at least make sure that she never has to work again with her settlement. She always did right by me, she just wasn't what I wanted.

 

I admire your courage. I thought serial cheaters are people too damaged and broken to be able to make an adult and difficult decision. But you have proven me wrong. Thanks for coming back with the update. I think it's a great ending.

 

You deserve to be happy with your soulmate. I believe people can change if they meet the right person. Good luck!!!

[MidnightBlue1980]

I thought I should at least close the loop on this. It turns out she feels the same. So I am leaving my wife to be with her. I don't think this is fog, I've had too many relationships to not know the difference. I know folks say you shouldn't leave to be with someone else, but I honestly feel like this is for real. So I'm going for it. Thanks to everyone for the advice. I may regret it later. I do think wife will be hurt, but at I will at least make sure that she never has to work again with her settlement. She always did right by me, she just wasn't what I wanted.

 

Update us. We don't hear endings like this much. I admire you for making a decision and not posting here for years lamenting what could have been. Just keep moving forward. If this woman isn't it, there will be a next one.

[anika99]

You're leaving to be with OW but she is married too. When is she leaving her husband? Whatever happens don't go running back to your wife, don't make her the consolation prize. Once you're gone you need to live with that decision.

[Poppy47]

You're leaving to be with OW but she is married too. When is she leaving her husband? Whatever happens don't go running back to your wife, don't make her the consolation prize. Once you're gone you need to live with that decision.

 

Men have been known to go running home again after a short period of time.

 

If you feel like that, remember your wife and how it will turn her world upside down YET AGAIN.

Poppy.

[RegretfulOM]

Men have been known to go running home again after a short period of time.

 

If you feel like that, remember your wife and how it will turn her world upside down YET AGAIN.

Poppy.

 

I'm not that kind of guy. Yes, I was all over the place, but who wouldn't be under the circumstances. I ain't looking back, and not posting in this thread anymore. I just felt like I should at least let people know how things ended up.