Now I know what it feels like... [UPDATED 2017]

[What_Did_I_Do]

I am terrified, but not of being alone. I don't want to uproot the children.

 

Is this for real? I am simply amazed at the number of WS's here that don't want to lose the kids/house/finances/respect/newspaper subscriptions - whatever their reason is - so they "must" stay in the marriage. If that is what is keeping the WS's rooted and the need to stay married, then zip up the pants, stay out of the bosses office when (s)he gives you the come-hither wink, whatever it takes, and take your vows, kids, financial situation etc. seriously!

 

OP, chances are this gal is/was the woman of your dreams. You are not hers. This A was going to end one way or the other. If your W keeps looking the other way from your dalliances, how on earth are both of your wrongs ever going to make a right?

 

Sorry, had to rant...

[whichwayisup]

I am terrified, but not of being alone. I don't want to uproot the children.

 

But your actions, falling for another woman IS risking the lives of your kids and uprooting them. Your wife seems to be okay with your infidelities on some level as long as you don't fall in love..But you have.

[HappyAgain2014]

I am terrified, but not of being alone. I don't want to uproot the children.

 

You'd rather they learn to disrespect their mother from you? You're not thinking of them when you're spending hours away from them in bed with your OW.

 

Here's the issue with MM playing the kid card to avoid divorce .... All of you say it when the truth is you don't mind BEING the bad guy, you just don't want everyone to KNOW you're the bad guy.

 

Cowardice and selfishness in action.

 

Divorce means you're putting your children first by ending the marriage and focusing on the children. Subjecting them to a bad marriage inflicts more damage than any divorce.

 

If you have a son, you're teaching him how to treat his future wife. If you have a daughter, you're teaching her what to accept from her future husband. That being said, are you proud or ashamed?

[HappyAgain2014]

I am terrified, but not of being alone. I don't want to uproot the children.

 

Yet you'd scratch the above thought if your OW told you she'd leave her husband?

 

I'm not buying it.

[pooldog]

I am terrified, but not of being alone. I don't want to uproot the children.

 

That is good. Just go to counseling and find the root of your promiscuity. A good counselor will guide you.

 

Anyone is capable of evil but anyone is capable of good if they want to do good. (Reference: The Lucifer Effect, Zimbardo)

 

I believe you were tempted once and gave in too easily and you were rewarded with sex so you took the wrong path and then it was too easy to keep going. But this post and thread has made you think. So think your way into the counselor's office. And keep us posted. The right path is far more rewarding and you are at a crossing point in your young life. Take the wrong path and be doomed forever. You will suffer in old age if you do not choose correctly.

[cocorico]

It's better that kids are FROM a broken home then it is for them to LIVE in one.

 

My parents stayed together "for the kids". We wish they hadn't.

[BuddyX]

The loss associated with bringing the affair into open right now is large, immediate, any easy to imagine, whereas the disastrous consequences of procrastination are both vague and delayed. This is why so many affairs are covered up. How about you Man Up? I think it's only fair to your wife.

 

I'll leave you with a previous thread from another LS member.

 

What I think most of these MM really fear is that they'll get stuck with close to 50/50 custody. Which means that they'll get stuck with all of the crappy tasks their Ws do, like cooking for the kids, driving the kids around, and basically having to deal with the tantrums and drama, and not just the Kodak Moments. On weekends, heaven forbid.

 

They all say its guilt, kids, blah blah.

 

Translation: I don't want everyone to know what a selfish ass I am. I want to keep my money and maintain the status quo.

 

If they felt guilty about their affairs and their kids, why are they spending time away from their kids in bed with an OW?

[Poppy47]

The loss associated with bringing the affair into open right now is large, immediate, any easy to imagine, whereas the disastrous consequences of procrastination are both vague and delayed. This is why so many affairs are covered up. How about you Man Up? I think it's only fair to your wife.

 

I'll leave you with a previous thread from another LS member.

 

What I think most of these MM really fear is that they'll get stuck with close to 50/50 custody. Which means that they'll get stuck with all of the crappy tasks their Ws do, like cooking for the kids, driving the kids around, and basically having to deal with the tantrums and drama, and not just the Kodak Moments. On weekends, heaven forbid.

 

They all say its guilt, kids, blah blah.

 

 

 

Translation: I don't want everyone to know what a selfish ass I am. I want to keep my money and maintain the status quo.

 

If they felt guilty about their affairs and their kids, why are they spending time away from their kids in bed with an OW?

Or away from you wife , brother, sister... whoever. Affairs take away from everybody.

 

Poppy.

[NTV]

Man, it really sounds like your cup is full. It doesn't matter what we say to you because we can't tell you something you already know and have an answer for. That's fine. In a lot of ways I'm the same way.

 

 

You've talked about going back to IC. One thing that could also help is a journal. Would you be willing to start one?

[RegretfulOM]

The loss associated with bringing the affair into open right now is large, immediate, any easy to imagine, whereas the disastrous consequences of procrastination are both vague and delayed. This is why so many affairs are covered up. How about you Man Up? I think it's only fair to your wife.

 

I'll leave you with a previous thread from another LS member.

 

What I think most of these MM really fear is that they'll get stuck with close to 50/50 custody. Which means that they'll get stuck with all of the crappy tasks their Ws do, like cooking for the kids, driving the kids around, and basically having to deal with the tantrums and drama, and not just the Kodak Moments. On weekends, heaven forbid.

 

They all say its guilt, kids, blah blah.

 

Translation: I don't want everyone to know what a selfish ass I am. I want to keep my money and maintain the status quo.

 

If they felt guilty about their affairs and their kids, why are they spending time away from their kids in bed with an OW?

 

Wow, you really said it all. I'll admit that I am afraid of looking like a jerk. I am okay with 50/50 custody of the kids if I can get it though. I'm not sure how the courts work, but I'm no druggie or anything like that.

[RegretfulOM]

Man, it really sounds like your cup is full. It doesn't matter what we say to you because we can't tell you something you already know and have an answer for. That's fine. In a lot of ways I'm the same way.

 

 

You've talked about going back to IC. One thing that could also help is a journal. Would you be willing to start one?

 

I am not the journal type, but I do agree a return to IC might do some good. Right now I think I need to get out of this affair. I'm starting to see that she might have the same "sickness" as me. Now that I am leaving for vacation she is texting me nonstop. She is never like that. The attention is nice but at the same time if I was here I think she would be all business like she normally is. Maybe what I feel is because she is unavailable. It is something that is new to me.

[bummer]

Wow, you really said it all. I'll admit that I am afraid of looking like a jerk.

 

You're afraid of much more than just this. You're afraid of things your conscious brain has never known yet.

[NTV]

I am not the journal type, but I do agree a return to IC might do some good. Right now I think I need to get out of this affair. I'm starting to see that she might have the same "sickness" as me. Now that I am leaving for vacation she is texting me nonstop. She is never like that. The attention is nice but at the same time if I was here I think she would be all business like she normally is. Maybe what I feel is because she is unavailable. It is something that is new to me.

 

How can you get out of the affair where you are certain not to start it back? i.e. could you send her a message saying you have herpes, and that she should get checked too? etc. etc.

[Southern Sun]

It takes two emotionally unavailable people to keep an emotionally unavailable relationship alive.

 

That means OM that both YOU and SHE are emotionally unavailable.

 

There will be a lot of push and pull in your relationship. There will always be someone with more power, and someone in a one-down position. When you want her, she will pull away. When you pull away, she will come running. No telling how long this could go on. This IS why you think you have feelings of "love." And there will be plenty of pain to go along with it.

 

This is also why you couldn't care less about the other relationships. They were too available.

 

No one here can tell you what to do. You thought you had your life figured out - stay married, cheat with lots of women, have it both ways, wife turns the other cheek. Now you are getting roped in and feeling the pain. Everyone eventually pays the piper.

 

You can ride this ride and feel the hurt. You can get out and go back to what you used to do. Or you can consider that maybe neither choice is good and examine what new path your life could take if you weren't so trapped in your patterns.

 

It's totally up to you.

[RegretfulOM]

You're afraid of much more than just this. You're afraid of things your conscious brain has never known yet.

 

Can you elaborate on this? Look, I know you think I am pond scum, but I am generally interested on your take if you think there is something I'm not seeing.

[Sub]

I am not the journal type, but I do agree a return to IC might do some good. Right now I think I need to get out of this affair. I'm starting to see that she might have the same "sickness" as me. Now that I am leaving for vacation she is texting me nonstop. She is never like that. The attention is nice but at the same time if I was here I think she would be all business like she normally is. Maybe what I feel is because she is unavailable. It is something that is new to me.

 

This may sound like a ridiculous idea, but....why don't you talk to your W about this one? She knows you fool around, and it's obviously not a deal-breaker. Now that the OW is starting to appear clingy - as you were - why don't you tell your W what's going on. Tell her exactly what you said above. You're obviously having by a tough time doing it by yourself, and IC hasn't worked. But if you do see yourself as suffering from some affliction, maybe the person you need to help you is your W?

[bummer]

I wouldn't say this, but all of my examples growing up made cheating seem perfectly kosher. It did not dawn on me that it was wrong until very late in life.

 

I judge you merely as another mortal sinner coping with life... I apologize for my vitriol.

 

You have come to a place to seek sympathy from mostly devastated souls of infidelity, perhaps unwittingly. Your lesson goes far beyond just understanding your errors. Read and re-read the emotional wounds which permeate this forum from OW and BS posters. People are showing you the book and you need to read it.

 

You know on some level your emotional development is stunted. What you don't realize is the ripples and echos of your sins extend beyond you, your OWs, and your kids. It's their families, future families, and next generations, just as your poor childhood examples led you to where you are.

 

You don't know loneliness because you don't know love.

 

You don't know humility because you don't know loss.

 

You don't know what being a jerk is because you don't know empathy...

 

Life will teach us. Either in this lifetime or the next as a bug. As always, it's our choice to do the right thing now.

[cocorico]

I am not the journal type, but I do agree a return to IC might do some good. Right now I think I need to get out of this affair. I'm starting to see that she might have the same "sickness" as me. Now that I am leaving for vacation she is texting me nonstop. She is never like that. The attention is nice but at the same time if I was here I think she would be all business like she normally is. Maybe what I feel is because she is unavailable. It is something that is new to me.

 

Whoever cares least in a relationship has the most power. Your relationship is quite nakedly about power. In the past, your As always gave you the power as you cared less than your OW. Now, with this MOW, she cares less than you, giving her the power and keeping you in a state of wanting more.

 

And then - you go on holiday, distracting you and temporarily making you the one who's caring less - so the power pendulum swings in your direction, leaving her doing the running. If you respond and become more available to her, your power will slip again, and things will revert to how they were before.

 

You can keep up it up, or one - or both - of you will get bored. If it's just a game to you, and you're idly passing the time, there's no harm done - but if it's taking you away from something more constructive, you may want to think about he time, energy and emotion you're investing, and where you could more productively invest those.

[RegretfulOM]

Whoever cares least in a relationship has the most power. Your relationship is quite nakedly about power. In the past, your As always gave you the power as you cared less than your OW. Now, with this MOW, she cares less than you, giving her the power and keeping you in a state of wanting more.

 

And then - you go on holiday, distracting you and temporarily making you the one who's caring less - so the power pendulum swings in your direction, leaving her doing the running. If you respond and become more available to her, your power will slip again, and things will revert to how they were before.

 

You can keep up it up, or one - or both - of you will get bored. If it's just a game to you, and you're idly passing the time, there's no harm done - but if it's taking you away from something more constructive, you may want to think about he time, energy and emotion you're investing, and where you could more productively invest those.

 

I have no intent on playing games with her. I am not at all interested in a power contest either. I'm just going to lay it all out there when I return. If she wants me, fine. I will be with her. If she doesn't. Whatever. I can't live like this, and I won't.

[RegretfulOM]

I judge you merely as another mortal sinner coping with life... I apologize for my vitriol.

 

You have come to a place to seek sympathy from mostly devastated souls of infidelity, perhaps unwittingly. Your lesson goes far beyond just understanding your errors. Read and re-read the emotional wounds which permeate this forum from OW and BS posters. People are showing you the book and you need to read it.

 

You know on some level your emotional development is stunted. What you don't realize is the ripples and echos of your sins extend beyond you, your OWs, and your kids. It's their families, future families, and next generations, just as your poor childhood examples led you to where you are.

 

You don't know loneliness because you don't know love.

 

You don't know humility because you don't know loss.

 

You don't know what being a jerk is because you don't know empathy...

 

Life will teach us. Either in this lifetime or the next as a bug. As always, it's our choice to do the right thing now.

 

Thank you. I completely acknowledge that I don't "get it", maybe I never will. I don't think I love the same as everyone else, and yes, I don't think I empathize the same as everyone else either. I don't consider myself evil...but at the same time I just don't feel what other people feel. My AP is the same as me, that's why I feel we are soulmates. I feel like maybe we can fix each other. Maybe be normal?

[ladydesigner]

I have no intent on playing games with her. I am not at all interested in a power contest either. I'm just going to lay it all out there when I return. If she wants me, fine. I will be with her. If she doesn't. Whatever. I can't live like this, and I won't.

 

Ok so now you want to end your M for the OW yet a couple of days ago you were saying this:

 

Losing my wife...I can't imagine...what am I doing.

 

You are all over the place right now. You need to sort your thoughts out by yourself I think, but you will have to stop the A to do that. It will be this way until one of the relationships end, your M or the A and could be both.

[RegretfulOM]

Ok so now you want to end your M for the OW yet a couple of days ago you were saying this:

 

 

 

You are all over the place right now. You need to sort your thoughts out by yourself I think, but you will have to stop the A to do that. It will be this way until one of the relationships end, your M or the A and could be both.

 

I am indeed all over the place. A big part of me feels like what I have with the OW is real. I mean...I have been in a lot of relationships, and I really haven't felt anything like this. I don't think its fog. But...when I read other posts on here, I am behaving the same way that they are, somewhat deluding myself. Has anyone on here been successful in getting together with their AP?

[cocorico]

I am indeed all over the place. A big part of me feels like what I have with the OW is real. I mean...I have been in a lot of relationships, and I really haven't felt anything like this. I don't think its fog. But...when I read other posts on here, I am behaving the same way that they are, somewhat deluding myself. Has anyone on here been successful in getting together with their AP?

 

Yes. I was single, though, and he was married, so only one M to bury. There are others (Got It being one who springs to mind) where both were M, who ended up together, but more often one - usually the woman - leaves,many the other - usually the man - gets cold feet and doesn't leave.

 

If you're all over the place, chances are if you leave you'll go back and forth like a bungee rope. You need to be certain you're done with the M, and you need to leave because you're happier out of the M than in it - whether or not your AP is waiting for you. Otherwise you're setting yourself up for regret.

[Sub]

Just consider what this R you're leaving your M for is based on. I don't say that to be crass. But, what is it, really? Common interests, goals? You like what kind of man you are with her? Really think about it. Because almost everyone here would say to leave the M because it's for you, not just for her.

 

Otherwise, you're the guy who falls in love with the stripper because you think "there was a real connection."

[HappyAgain2014]

I am indeed all over the place. A big part of me feels like what I have with the OW is real. I mean...I have been in a lot of relationships, and I really haven't felt anything like this. I don't think its fog. But...when I read other posts on here, I am behaving the same way that they are, somewhat deluding myself. Has anyone on here been successful in getting together with their AP?

 

What you have with the OW is good, illicit sex. She's passionate, sexually open, and can't get enough of you. Those things are easy in an affair.

 

Other than how she looks and how she performs in bed, what do you know about her?

 

Is she going to stand by you through everything life throws at you? That's what commitment is about. All she's done so far is lay down so you wouldn't know.

 

Have you discussed what needs her husband meets and doesn't meet in her eyes and vice versa? If not, you're destined to figure out the hard way that you and she are broken, not so much your marriages. If both of you aren't willing to really get naked and expose those broken pieces of insecurities and expectations, you're destined to repeat this.

 

If you divorce, you owe it to your children to expose them to a healthier relationship than your marriage. It's the only way kids can possibly reconcile losing their family. Are you certain of that?