RecentChange Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 Your head is in the clouds, and she will never respect to you for falling for her, let alone fall for you. If she hasn't yet, she never will. As someone who has has FWB fall for me, even though we had a very clear, and discussed boundaries, just made me lose respect and any attraction to them. I bet if you told her your real feelings, and how you want her to be step mommy she would stop sleeping with you. You need to be mature enough, and emotionally strong enough to cut this off. You can't have her, you shouldn't want her, and I can bet ya, just like you didn't want all of those other women, that she does not want you in that way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 I certainly don't expect sympathy on here. I have been a serial cheater for years. Exclusively with single women (until now), and usually flings that lasted 4 to 8 months. I was always upfront with my APs about the fact I was married. They always said they were okay with NSA, so I figured it was all good. Well....over the years I learned this wasn't always the case. I got into multiple situations where I either had to end it because they became too attached, or...they ended it, in disgust because thy realized I was happy with things as they were, and had no desire to be in a real relationship. I freely admit that it was always a sex thing for me. I was never emotionally attached. I didn't future fake, but I did spoil them a lot, which in retrospect probably made some of them fall for me. So why I am I here? I have fallen completely head over heels in love with the only AP I have ever had that is also married. In all honesty I'm not sure how it happened. All I know is that it began when I started breaking my rules for her. I always had a thing against seeing married women, but we clicked so well that I let it go. We were in bed together within three days of meeting. The attraction was that strong. As we have gotten to know one another she confessed that she is also a serial cheater. I thought it was a good thing we had that in common. I figured she wouldn't catch feelings, I never thought I would fall for her. Now that I have I realize she has me compartmentalized. This hurts because I've never felt an emotional connection with anyone the way I do with her. The sex is also amazing. I honestly want to be with her and only her. I am willing to do whatever it takes, including getting a divorce. I told her how I felt and its obvious this is just another fling for her. She kind of laughed and told me not to get all serious on her. This hurts because even though I can keep seeing her, I know she doesn't feel what I feel. So I feel like I am in limbo. If I don't see her at all I'd be devastated, if I do see her its a reminder of what I can never completely have. I guess this is payback for my past. I know this is going to end badly for me. But I feel like all I can do is hold on, because letting go would be more painful I guess??? Sorry...just needed a place to vent, and this is the only forum like this I have seen. So why torture yourself? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RegretfulOM Posted July 1, 2016 Author Share Posted July 1, 2016 Said just about by every besotted OW here too. Did YOU ever feel the same? Or were you more concerned about getting rid of them as soon as they showed their feelings and things got complicated? YOUR MW has been very upfront here, she is not looking for a husband replacement or an exit affair, NO, she just wants sex and fun. She has not future faked, nor does she seem involved at all. YOU are the only one writing the love story, from her perspective you are a f. buddy - nothing more nothing less. I guess she, apart from her cheating ways is more marriage material than the single OWs you had. She is up there with your wife, you could leave your marriage for her, BUT that is NOT what she has in mind. I guess you are not in the same league as her husband. She is a challenge and you like that, but that is where many OWs are too. They think they are so special that who could turn them down, especially when in competition with a "dowdy" wife, but that is not really how it works and they find that out to their cost. So when their MM doesn't leave, when he chooses his wife, it is not just a heartbreak, it is a huge blow to their ego too... I think you are setting yourself up to fail here. Maybe part of you feels you deserve to hurt just a little bit, part of you feels you deserve some punishment. You make really good points. I have become just like my previous APs. I know this is definitely Karma, but at this point I am in to deep too pull away. I will admit that I did look her husband up. Pathetic I know. He isn't better looking than me, and I make significantly more than him. She has kept me around longer than others according to her. I am also the first older AP she has had. She tends to like them young. But none of this means anything you are right its just a stupid fantasy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RegretfulOM Posted July 1, 2016 Author Share Posted July 1, 2016 Your head is in the clouds, and she will never respect to you for falling for her, let alone fall for you. If she hasn't yet, she never will. As someone who has has FWB fall for me, even though we had a very clear, and discussed boundaries, just made me lose respect and any attraction to them. I bet if you told her your real feelings, and how you want her to be step mommy she would stop sleeping with you. You need to be mature enough, and emotionally strong enough to cut this off. You can't have her, you shouldn't want her, and I can bet ya, just like you didn't want all of those other women, that she does not want you in that way. You're so right. There is nothing less sexy than a needy man, especially one who knew the deal going in. I just have to pretend I don't have feelings when we're together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RegretfulOM Posted July 1, 2016 Author Share Posted July 1, 2016 Have you had d-day or multiple d-days already? Yes, multiple, all in the past though. Link to post Share on other sites
bummer Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 You make really good points. I have become just like my previous APs. I know this is definitely Karma, but at this point I am in to deep too pull away. I will admit that I did look her husband up. Pathetic I know. He isn't better looking than me, and I make significantly more than him. She has kept me around longer than others according to her. I am also the first older AP she has had. She tends to like them young. But none of this means anything you are right its just a stupid fantasy. F*** ME you're still comparing and justifying here! I sincerely hope your kid is nothing like you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
AlexisRose Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 You've been playing with fire and now you've got burnt. You know this new relationship will never go anywhere so you may as well end it now before you fall in any deeper than you already are. How about you concentrate on your wife and family? And if you can't concentrate on your wife it may be time to ask yourself some serious questions... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 Yes, multiple, all in the past though. Multiple D-Days and you're still at it. Is an open M something you would consider discussing with your W? Is she financially dependent on you? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 Yes, multiple, all in the past though. So, why did you choose to stay married and why did your wife stay with you? Did you tell her you'd stop cheating? Or does she know what you do and has just closed her eyes to your extra marital affairs? How would you feel if she chose to cheat on you and have an A with another man? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RegretfulOM Posted July 1, 2016 Author Share Posted July 1, 2016 So, why did you choose to stay married and why did your wife stay with you? Did you tell her you'd stop cheating? Or does she know what you do and has just closed her eyes to your extra marital affairs? How would you feel if she chose to cheat on you and have an A with another man? I don't really know why she stays, but I stayed because I really did love her. I know that sounds twisted. I never thought knowing someone for a few months could erase everything like it was nothing. I would not like it if she cheated on me, but I probably wouldn't divorce her over it. Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 I never thought knowing someone for a few months could erase everything like it was nothing. I'm curious what you mean by this. Do you mean your feelings for the current AP have erased your feelings for your W? Link to post Share on other sites
13Hearts Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 I have a great idea! Why don't you tell your wife the truth? And tell her you have fallen in love with someone else and want to be with her instead? Then, move out, get your own place, and tell OW that you have left your wife for her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RegretfulOM Posted July 1, 2016 Author Share Posted July 1, 2016 I'm curious what you mean by this. Do you mean your feelings for the current AP have erased your feelings for your W? It sure feels that way. Its like all I do is compare them now. I want to undo it, but I can't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RegretfulOM Posted July 1, 2016 Author Share Posted July 1, 2016 F*** ME you're still comparing and justifying here! I sincerely hope your kid is nothing like you. I know you're disgusted by me. But life isn't so black and white. I'm not so great at fidelity, but that really doesn't spill over into other areas. If I had no other redeeming qualities my wife would have left me a long time ago. I have never seen cheating as that big of a deal, and I still don't as long as a person is discrete. It's the emotional betrayal that I take issue with. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 It sure feels that way. Its like all I do is compare them now. I want to undo it, but I can't. Can't or won't? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePi Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 OP, I won't pummel you. It is good that you have self awareness to see that you are maybe not a good fit for monogamy. I also feel I have this kind of amazing, strong, unique bond with a man that I have not felt before. My guess would be it is limerence. Look this up as it might help you. It may be that you have finally found that person that is unattainable and that is what is drawing you to her. Only time will tell if what you have with her is an amazing connection and something unique or even reciprocal with her. In the meantime, maybe ponder if you want to work on your M or if you should throw in the towel and prepare to D. Several of you have asked for more details. I do have two children that are elementary school age. I always told myself I was staying for them. Regarding my marriage I wouldn't say it is bad, but we married really young. I didn't know myself then the way I do now. If I had it to do all over again I would have chosen differently. I feel like I am her fourth priority, behind her friends and the kids. I think sex is just a duty for her. I've gone to IC multiple times but couldn't stop. I didn't think of myself as a bad person, just not a good fit for monogamy. That's all changed now though. I know I would never cheat on my AP if we were together. Its to the point that I don't even look at other women like I used to. I used to always be open to entertaining others, now she is the only one I want. Whats so special about her? At first I noticed her because she is movie star/model attractive. But once I got to know her I realized she is also smart and funny. I just connect with her in a way that I have never experienced before. It almost feels spiritual. This role reversal has not been fun. I can't have what I want so I just have to settle for what she is willing to give. According to her, her partner meets all her needs except sex, so thats probably all she is in it for. I am hoping that if we keep going eventually she will feel the same? The sad thing is I should be focusing on home but I can't. I spend my time thinking about how to win her. I think I am in love for the first time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 I am not going to call you a villain regretful. I know life is sticky, and I have cheated, and I have known men like you from the other side. But you know you are a disaster path right? That you made a wrong turn and broke all the rules, the ones you used to adhere to by falling in love with her right? You know that you did have control over that correct? You know there will be no happily ever after with your AP right? Realize this. Accept this. SHE LAUGHED AT YOU quit acting so god damn pathetic. You want a real wake up call, don't bother telling your wife the truth. Tell your affair partner the truth. She is not going to respond that he loves you and is filing for divorce. I have a feeling she is more grounded than you are right now. I have heard it, the encroagement to leave my partner, about the growing feeling on his part. All I could do is shake my head and say you don't know the whole story. I have a feeling that it's the same for her. You are being foolish. Cut it off now, or accept the disaster you are creating. It's unfortunate that children are involved in all of this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
13Hearts Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 I don't really know why she stays, but I stayed because I really did love her. I know that sounds twisted. I never thought knowing someone for a few months could erase everything like it was nothing. I would not like it if she cheated on me, but I probably wouldn't divorce her over it. No, you do not and did not really love her. What you have been doing to your wife is not love. You are a liar. And your life is a lie. You are selfish and self-centered. You're so selfish and self-centred that you cannot even see that the sexual affair you are having with MOW is not about you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 I don't really know why she stays, but I stayed because I really did love her. I know that sounds twisted. I never thought knowing someone for a few months could erase everything like it was nothing. I would not like it if she cheated on me, but I probably wouldn't divorce her over it. You're caught up in the affair fog. What you feel for your MW isn't what you felt for your wife when you first got married. You know firsthand and through your experience affair feelings are more intense and focused in a certain setting where you see one another in a good light only. There's no reality, no kids, no bad stuff, no seeing each other at your worst, bad moods, smelly poops, medical or other tough stuff in life etc..etc.. But if you feel this MW has erased your love for your wife, then you need to divorce and allow your wife to find a man who will love her, treat her well and not betray her. Then, be on your own and do as you please. chase after this MW until she chews y 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RegretfulOM Posted July 1, 2016 Author Share Posted July 1, 2016 I am not going to call you a villain regretful. I know life is sticky, and I have cheated, and I have known men like you from the other side. But you know you are a disaster path right? That you made a wrong turn and broke all the rules, the ones you used to adhere to by falling in love with her right? You know that you did have control over that correct? You know there will be no happily ever after with your AP right? Realize this. Accept this. SHE LAUGHED AT YOU quit acting so god damn pathetic. You want a real wake up call, don't bother telling your wife the truth. Tell your affair partner the truth. She is not going to respond that he loves you and is filing for divorce. I have a feeling she is more grounded than you are right now. I have heard it, the encroagement to leave my partner, about the growing feeling on his part. All I could do is shake my head and say you don't know the whole story. I have a feeling that it's the same for her. You are being foolish. Cut it off now, or accept the disaster you are creating. It's unfortunate that children are involved in all of this. She did laugh. Deep down I also think in some way its a huge ego boost for her to know that she was able to wrap me around her finger so easily. So much for being alpha, I am not in control at all. Especially with my background. Its only a matter time before she moves on to the next. Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePi Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 Well put Elaine. Said just about by every besotted OW here too. Did YOU ever feel the same? Or were you more concerned about getting rid of them as soon as they showed their feelings and things got complicated? YOUR MW has been very upfront here, she is not looking for a husband replacement or an exit affair, NO, she just wants sex and fun. She has not future faked, nor does she seem involved at all. YOU are the only one writing the love story, from her perspective you are a f. buddy - nothing more nothing less. I guess she, apart from her cheating ways is more marriage material than the single OWs you had. She is up there with your wife, you could leave your marriage for her, BUT that is NOT what she has in mind. I guess you are not in the same league as her husband. She is a challenge and you like that, but that is where many OWs are too. They think they are so special that who could turn them down, especially when in competition with a "dowdy" wife, but that is not really how it works and they find that out to their cost. So when their MM doesn't leave, when he chooses his wife, it is not just a heartbreak, it is a huge blow to their ego too... I think you are setting yourself up to fail here. Maybe part of you feels you deserve to hurt just a little bit, part of you feels you deserve some punishment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 2, 2016 Share Posted July 2, 2016 She did laugh. Deep down I also think in some way its a huge ego boost for her to know that she was able to wrap me around her finger so easily. So much for being alpha, I am not in control at all. Especially with my background. Its only a matter time before she moves on to the next. So let her! You love her, she doesn't love you. Seems the affair is more to you and it's not to her. You're just one of many men that she sleeps with and will continue to sleep with. I do have to ask, do you now have some empathy, sympathy for your past OW who fell for you? When you ended it or distanced yourself from them how did you treat them? Ignore, be rude, or just disappear? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePi Posted July 2, 2016 Share Posted July 2, 2016 For women sometimes it is not about who is better looking or makes more money. My MM earns way more and is more handsome than my husband. I love my husband way more. He is very sweet, gentle and kind I will admit that I did look her husband up. Pathetic I know. He isn't better looking than me, and I make significantly more than him. . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted July 2, 2016 Share Posted July 2, 2016 Several of you have asked for more details. I do have two children that are elementary school age. I always told myself I was staying for them. Regarding my marriage I wouldn't say it is bad, but we married really young. I didn't know myself then the way I do now. If I had it to do all over again I would have chosen differently. I feel like I am her fourth priority, behind her friends and the kids. I think sex is just a duty for her. I've gone to IC multiple times but couldn't stop. I didn't think of myself as a bad person, just not a good fit for monogamy. That's all changed now though. I know I would never cheat on my AP if we were together. Its to the point that I don't even look at other women like I used to. I used to always be open to entertaining others, now she is the only one I want. Whats so special about her? At first I noticed her because she is movie star/model attractive. But once I got to know her I realized she is also smart and funny. I just connect with her in a way that I have never experienced before. It almost feels spiritual. This role reversal has not been fun. I can't have what I want so I just have to settle for what she is willing to give. According to her, her partner meets all her needs except sex, so thats probably all she is in it for. I am hoping that if we keep going eventually she will feel the same? The sad thing is I should be focusing on home but I can't. I spend my time thinking about how to win her. I think I am in love for the first time. OM You have echoed so many of x MM's statements. Are you sure you are not one and the same? OK marriage, forced into it at 20 through her pregnancy,(YES it was in the good old olden days when shotguns were at the ready), wife's last priority. Wanted to be with me but couldn't. He wouldn't leave but felt a spiritual connection with me that he had never felt before. I stayed for eight years. Just before the eighth anniversary of our meeting I quit, out of the blue. I was afraid of losing too many more years. There was a never a discovery. It would be terrible for you to waste years of your life on this woman. YOu will probably be discovered , down the track, which will screw up both families. If you both leave for each other, you will screw up both families. Are you so unhappy at home, that you want to divorce ? If so, do it for yourself, not for the AP. Poppy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted July 2, 2016 Share Posted July 2, 2016 Yes, multiple, all in the past though. Perhaps this is why you are a low priority for your wife and she hates sex with you? Maybe she can't help thinking about all the other partners you had during the marriage? Poppy 7 Link to post Share on other sites
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