Now I know what it feels like... [UPDATED 2017]

[BuddyX]

People here like myself, we come off as harsh because (1) we have been through it and know what is coming before you do and (2) we read so many threads where its the same old story with the same old conclusion.

 

When I was first here, people went crazy on me. I also have a history of affairs in my life. You are not alone here and I'm sorry you are hurting. I know what it is like. I do not feel happy to see a woman do this to a man. You are hitting rock bottom. The good part is that you have only upwards to grow.

 

We have all been there. You are not alone.

 

Let's hold off on the "rock bottom". Remember, OP lost his OW, was not honest with his wife, and oh yeah, trolled for another affair.

 

Rock bottom will be when your wife finds out (and yes, you should tell her). That's when you'll hit rock bottom and will be set free.

 

You're job as a husband, is to provide, protect, and be present. And you are failing miserably.

 

Time to Man Up.

[loveisanaction]

The reason why you are still in this mess is because you are trying to keep your affairs in the dark. You will not be able to get out of this hell hole until you shine the light on your affairs; shinning your light is telling your wife that you have a problem, you are addicted to having affairs. She is supposed to be your better half, the woman who vowed to stick with you through sickness and health, well you’re sick.

 

Do you not see that the reason why you had that threesome was because your affair partner didn’t want to be with you full time, you used that threesome as a form of medication to sooth your pain. You need counselling to help you find a more healthy way of handling situations that cause you pain.

 

Telling your wife every single detail will blow your affair addiction into the light and force you to get the help you so badly need.

 

Your affair addiction is breeding in the darkness, if you keep trying to hide it in the dark you will still be in this same situation years from now...probably even worse.

[Midwestmissy]

You have never bad mouthed your wife to your affair partners? I think they say actions speak louder than words. You showed your disrespect for your wife by having and being with women other than her, regardless of what came out of your mouth. Please don't think this is a positive thing. If you had praised her incessantly while still cheating on her, would that have been better? Um, no.

[Dancewithme]

"Time to Man Up."--Buddy X

 

Yes, this^^^^^!!!!

 

Face your demons! Get into IC yesterday! Tell your wife, start clean. No more secrets, get them out. Address your issues, and work though them.

 

Your wife does not deserve to be the plan B she doesn't know she is. Who deserves that? Let her go, to find someone who will fully love her, and not just" settle" for her. If you ever cared for her, free her from this mess. Then, devote all of your energies to fixing what is broken in you. You can do it. You don't have to suffer any longer, take that step towards fixing you. IC!

[Ruffian1]

Ignore those who are pooping on you when you're at your worst

 

Pooping on him???. . really?

 

When I said “grow the F up” is like Buddyx said, time to Man up.

 

Nothing is going to change if nothing CHANGES;

 

Lets look at what he has been saying:

 

If I had it to do all over again I would have chosen differently. I feel like I am her fourth priority, behind her friends and the kids. I think sex is just a duty for her.

 

I would not like it if she cheated on me, but I probably wouldn't divorce her over it.

 

Its like all I do is compare them now.

 

I can't keep doing what I am doing. I think its time to finally end my marriage. If my AP wants me that would be great. If she doesn't so be it. I just need time to sort myself out.

I do think wife will be hurt, but at I will at least make sure that she never has to work again with her settlement. She always did right by me, she just wasn't what I wanted.

 

It turns out she feels the same. So I am leaving my wife to be with her.

 

she says that she still wants to see me, but that she doesn't want to commit to anything anymore.

 

At this point I have no choice but to break things off

 

I tried to reach out to her, and guess what. She has ghosted me

.

 

He keeps stringing his spouse along when she isn’t what he wants just because he got rejected.

 

MOW will be back to play the game with him when she feels like it and then . . .

OP what will you do?

 

You said it would be a deal-breaker for your W if you became emotionally involved with your AP and you did.

 

Tell her the TRUTH.

 

Nothing changes if nothing CHANGES

 

Time to grow up

 

What type of "man" do you want to be?

[sandylee1]

I am already there. I literally tear up whenever she is nice to me now. She doesn't deserve this at all. I have a problem, I know it now. I'm addicted to having affairs.

 

I am hurting other people.

 

I've never been more scared.

 

You need professional help. You need to find out what it is you're looking for in life. Are you looking for sex? Are you looking for an emotional connection? What are you looking for in life. Get yourself into IC and figure it out.

 

You won't find 'it' if you don't know what 'it' is.

 

You need to stop before you loose the respect of those who are important to you. Because then you'll start feeling as though everything is against you.

 

Well it's time to do something about hating what you see in the mirror ... don't you think.

 

What are you scared of? Loosing your wife? Being alone? What exactly.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am already there. I literally tear up whenever she is nice to me now. She doesn't deserve this at all. I have a problem, I know it now. I'm addicted to having affairs. The first thing I did when I realized I got ghosted was to check my "affair" email account, to look for another hook up. Yes I know this will sound trollish, but it is true, I am so sick. I had an email in there from an old AP saying she wanted me to do a threesome with her and her new boyfriend. It was an old email, I replied and she responded immediately. I was so depressed I said yes to it. I guess I was just like screw it. It was the most degrading experience of my life, even though he just watched. I've got no one to talk to or turn to. I am feeling heart broken and ashamed right now. Yes, I know its not all about me, that I am hurting other people. But right now I feel broken. If this isn't rock bottom I don't know what is. I hope all you folks that wanted to see a MM break down are happy, because that is where I am at. I'm literally losing it right now. I don't even know what to do, I can't even reinvest in my wife because I feel unworthy. I've never been more scared.

 

Seriously?

 

We aren't sitting here ribbing our hands together hoping "an MM breaks down."

 

We are hoping to God an MM stops sh*tting on his wife and family.

 

Wake up man.

 

Your coping, committment, relationship and attachment skills need heavy work

 

Or you might as well repeat that threesome over and over.

 

Like most people that cheat, it's like you have your "mommy" or "daddy" figure at home to feel safe, then you go on a quest for that "Magical Vagina" to save you from yourself. You keep trying it over and over, hoping to find that "upgrade" or "balance with your home life."

 

It doesn't exist.... No one is going to save you and your family from you and your destructive tendencies.

 

Go get some serious help. Don't wait until you "feel better" and "normal" because you will just repeat the cycle.

 

You are at a point very close to some self-awareness. Start there.

[RegretfulOM]

I was with my AP for several months, it got to the point where I thought I was in love. I was even ready to leave my family to be with her. Which was crazy because I never felt that way about any of my previous APs. I just felt a deep love for her that I didn't even know I could feel. We made plans to be together, but she got cold feet. I actually tried to go back to my wife, but this last affair was simply too much for her because it wasn't my first. Also, I think she could tell I was emotionally involved. She asked me to move out. I did go to IC to work on myself, and I initially thought I made a lot of progress. I honestly miss my family now but I don't think she will ever take me back, and to be honest she shouldn't. I am still broken.

 

My former AP reached out to me for just a drink about a month ago. I kept saying no, but eventually I said yes. Seeing her bought everything back immediately. I am completely infatuated with her again. That drink led to a lot more. Its worse now because I am separated and she is still married. I shouldn't be doing this, but when ever she calls I am there. Doing this would ruin any chance I had for reconciliation. But....because I am doing it, I know it means that I didn't deserve it anyway. I honestly don't think there is any advice anyone can give me. I am just bummed...and needed to say whats on my mind.

[Jersey born raised]

Expose her to her husband,

[BuddyX]

So it's Pu$$y you're after. Nothing wrong with that. As long as your honest with yourself. That being said, if you don't man up and be a father you're going to be known as the guy who chose tail over family.

[Ruffian1]

worse now because I am separated and she is still married.

 

How ?

How is it made worse because you are separated/?

Should be easier for you, no sneaking and lying where you are going.

[FoundMyStrength]

The following was quoted by a previous LS member.

 

"Unless both of you are ready to leave your primary relationships on your own accord (not for each other), you will experience immeasurable, earth-shattering pain. I'm not trying to scare you. But one day she or you will disappear because your partners find out. He will treat you as if you are nothing, even beneath his contempt. You will experience the worst form of betrayal imaginable -- abandonment."

 

Thanks for dredging this one up, BuddyX. This was the very straight-shooting post that turned me around.

[RegretfulOM]

How ?

How is it made worse because you are separated/?

Should be easier for you, no sneaking and lying where you are going.

 

Not really. Pretty sure my wife is monitoring me. I don't want to upset her, and to be honest I know my AP is toxic to me, but...she has me wrapped around her finger again. Based on my IC sessions I thought I was turning the corner. Feeling discouraged because that isn't the case.

[ShatteredLady]

Maybe you're just a man who was never meant to marry & have family. I think some people crave romance & attention. Crave more than they could ever get from the love of one woman/man.

 

They can try for a bit to pretend to be like others....or they meet someone who they are perpetually chasing for a while...

 

After a while it's never enough & they start searching for the thrill, the high again. Nothing wrong with that if you don't hurt other people.

 

Know yourself! Be honest with yourself.

 

Yes! You've totally messed-up your life & done far worse to your wife. Why not take this opportunity to really find yourself & accept the truth? This is either who you truly are or you're broken & you can start working to fix yourself.

 

It's very clear that you shouldn't be in any kind of 'real' relationship at the moment. You're just too dangerous. Accept that. Take some time. Sort your s**t out.

[amomwhoknows]

So have you presented your wife with that very generous settlement you mentioned previously? So she could continue to stay home with your children?

 

You need to let her go -- be a man and file for divorce since it is clear you aren't the marrying type. Let her get started on the next phase of her life sooner rather than later.

 

Look for a SA support group to supplement your counseling. You need some more accountability.

[Ruffian1]

I don't want to upset her, and to be honest I know my AP is toxic to me, but...she has me wrapped around her finger again.

 

So you are still hiding the A from your wife. The only thing that has changed is you don't live with her. You are still deceiving her. Just, for once, can't you be honest with her. . .

 

And why do you consider AP toxic? You love her, want to be with her? Is it because she won't dump her husband? Is that what you want to happen? So you can be with her in public, legitimate R? Is that what you are hoping for still?

[whichwayisup]

I was with my AP for several months, it got to the point where I thought I was in love. I was even ready to leave my family to be with her. Which was crazy because I never felt that way about any of my previous APs. I just felt a deep love for her that I didn't even know I could feel. We made plans to be together, but she got cold feet. I actually tried to go back to my wife, but this last affair was simply too much for her because it wasn't my first. Also, I think she could tell I was emotionally involved. She asked me to move out. I did go to IC to work on myself, and I initially thought I made a lot of progress. I honestly miss my family now but I don't think she will ever take me back, and to be honest she shouldn't. I am still broken.

 

My former AP reached out to me for just a drink about a month ago. I kept saying no, but eventually I said yes. Seeing her bought everything back immediately. I am completely infatuated with her again. That drink led to a lot more. Its worse now because I am separated and she is still married. I shouldn't be doing this, but when ever she calls I am there. Doing this would ruin any chance I had for reconciliation. But....because I am doing it, I know it means that I didn't deserve it anyway. I honestly don't think there is any advice anyone can give me. I am just bummed...and needed to say whats on my mind.

 

Doubtful your wife will take you back since you haven't done counseling and you haven't changed or tried to better yourself.

 

BE a good father to your children. Divorce your wife, and co parent with her, maintain a good dynamic for the kids sake. That part of your life will never change , you'll always be their dad.

 

You love your wife but love to do as you please (as long as you don't get caught) more. Sorry that sounds harsh, not sure how to soften that. Now that you and your wife are separated, you can do whatever you want.

 

But if you continue to lust after this MW (who has no intention of leaving and divorcing her husband to be with you) you'll just continue to get used and feel more pain.

 

Are you willing to change? Do you want to change? Not cheat and be faithful? Are you considering counseling? I mentioned this in the summer when you last posted.

 

Maybe you're just not husband material. Let's say she did divorce her husband to be with you, how long would it be before you start looking at others? Or she cheats on you? You say she's the female version of you so how could there ever be any trust?

 

Make a decision soon otherwise nothing will change.

[whichwayisup]

Not really. Pretty sure my wife is monitoring me. I don't want to upset her, and to be honest I know my AP is toxic to me, but...she has me wrapped around her finger again. Based on my IC sessions I thought I was turning the corner. Feeling discouraged because that isn't the case.

 

Surprise your wife and be completely honest with her. The hiding and lying is what's driving her crazy. Better for her to be hurt by the truth rather than more lies and going behind her back. I still think it's doubtful she'll take you back, but at least it's a beginning a rebuilding a co parenting relationship for the sake of your kids. She has to trust you on some level and right now all trust is out the window.

 

Ah I see that you have done counseling so that's good.

 

MW is your poison and you're not strong enough to ward her off. Either get into NC mode completely and make it impossible for her to contact you. Even if you do end up single, this MW is NO GOOD for you.

[dreamingoftigers]

Not really. Pretty sure my wife is monitoring me. I don't want to upset her, and to be honest I know my AP is toxic to me, but...she has me wrapped around her finger again. Based on my IC sessions I thought I was turning the corner. Feeling discouraged because that isn't the case.

 

What's the point of monitoring you? Why would you care anyway? You didn't care about her while you were in a relationship with her, look how many times you cheated on her.

 

Are you still living together or something?

 

If you are, then you aren't SEPARATED.

[cocorico]

We made plans to be together, but she got cold feet. I actually tried to go back to my wife, but this last affair was simply too much for her because it wasn't my first. Also, I think she could tell I was emotionally involved.

 

You wanted to be with your AP. She pulled the plug on that, so you opted for Plan B, and were surprised when even your Plan B pulled the plug.

 

Now Plan A reappears, and your resolve to continue pursuing Plan B is weakening...

 

No, your "reconciliation" isn't likely to succeed. You didn't choose your BW, you took her as a "better than nothing" option, but she wasn't up for that. And you've just proved her right. You still hanker after Plan A.

 

Give her the generous settlement you spoke of. Go back to IC. Decide if you're willing to be OM indefinitely to your MW, and walk away if not. Perhaps one day you will meet someone you love enough to respect, and perhaps they might feel the same way as you. Meantime, release your BW. The charade of reconciliation is just wasting everyone's time.

[ladydesigner]

The charade of reconciliation is just wasting everyone's time.

 

^^^^This^^^^