Cheating for 2 years and now she's pregnant

[noelle303]

We understand that infertility took a major toll on your marriage.

 

But what you should try and understand is that you strung her along for the last two years, having her go through fertility treatments and failed adoptions while having an affair.

 

You said you had used the last embyos just last week. While you KNEW already that your OW is pregnant! I'm sorry but that is just cruel.

 

You should have stopped fertility treatments and the adoption process two years ago when you first started cheating on her. You should have told her then that your marriage isn't working for you and you either want to fix it or end it. It would have saved her so much heartache and loss during these two years.

 

She was going through this thinking there is a light in the end of the tunnel and all your problems will be fixed when you finally have a family, just to find out she was strung along this entire time and there will never be a happy ending to your story.

 

I don't advise you to stay married to her, I think we just want to make you realize that you treated her extremely cruelly and to invoke some empathy in you. Please make sure she is ok.

[Lady Hamilton]

So basically you really wanted a baby and now that you have one in the pipeline, you're ready to get out.

 

In a week, you're suddenly not attached to your infertile wife or the imperfect kids you're matched to, your wife wasn't suitably devastated at hearing about your affair, so you're moving on.

 

Or at least letting her know you moved on as you knew you were pregnant by another woman but still let her go through the process (if they were implanted last week, your wife could be pregnant BTW).

 

And when you say your OW won't be happy at your putting yourself in a place to bond with your wife and the two kids that you two planned on having, less it take away from her and the baby you didn't plan on having... Big. Red. Flag.

 

She may not have gotten pregnant to get you, but it sure sounds like she has no problem using the pregnancy to keep you.

 

I think it'll be interesting to see how this all works. You may find in court you're responsible for both OW's baby and the adopted kids you agreed to seek while you were married.

 

Either way, now that you've got your baby with your DNA on the way, you're not letting the grass grow under your feet to get the heck out.

 

Though I'm afraid if the intensity of the IvF process was too child focused for you, having an actual child will be quite a shock.

 

As will be the reality of presenting a OW and baby to the world that serve as advertisements that out you pubicaly as having an affair and getting somebody pregnant.

[SmartDude]

Aye, You need to run not walk away from this marrige..

 

But now just start telling the truth. If your wife asks you why be strait with her. She needs to hear your side of the story and how you really feel. This will help in the long run with her future relationship(s). No lying to save her feelings! But if the pain is too much for her then yes you do need to filter your words, just don't tell any more lies.

[Dancewithme]

Being that you and OW work together, now she's pregnant with your baby, and you're leaving your wife for her, how's that going to affect things at work? People may not tell you exactly what they think of your situation, but their actions towards you or OW may speak louder than words.

[bathtub-row]

I'm glad you bit the bullet and told your wife. I think it's right that you leave your marriage. There is just too much damage done -- it seems on both sides. It is what it is. I wish that your wife find love and peace, and the same for you.

[ladydesigner]

I told my wife that I had an affair and that she's pregnant. I didn't tell her how long or any other details. Just that I had an affair with a colleague and she's pregnant.

 

All my wife said was "we just got matched [for adoption, after a 3 year process]" and sat there totally silent and blank. Wouldn't respond to anything I said or acknowledge anything I said.

 

In that moment I realized that I don't want to be married to my wife anymore. We both had a lot of heartache in the infertility and adoption process and what she said just didn't matter anymore. The adoption won't go through now and it doesn't hurt me like it has in the past. I feel bad for my wife but myself, no.

 

She texted me a picture of the two little brothers we got matched to saying "so you know who you're leaving behind". And texted the health problems they have that won't get proper attention in their country. One has a cleft lip and palate and needs surgeries along with speech and swallow therapy, the other won't make it to his 3rd birthday without a heart surgery.

 

That's it, that's all she said when I told her. All she cares about is babies. She won't talk to me now and locked herself in the bedroom.

 

Obviously the timing sucks and I feel bad for that. But the additional factor of the adoption was out of my control. I considered putting off the divorce long enough for the adoption to be finalized but it could be a few weeks or many months to get them. Along with that, I don't know the rules on divorce after adoption and if the kids could be taken back.

 

What in the holy f**k. You deserve whatever you get and I hope one day your OW dumps your a** and you get to support a whole slew of children.

 

Your wife reacted that way because she is in shock are you that blind??? Have you read the process of grief? One of the very first reactions is denial. I hope someone tells your wife to file for child support first so your OW gets last with any support.

 

This situation is a lost cause.

[Moxie Lady]

The only reason we just decided to stop is because we used the last of the embryos last week and her doctor said she needs to give her body a rest.

 

And like I said, we just used the last embryos last week so these feeling just appeared.

 

Here is where I am confused. Its my understanding that it takes longer than a week to determine if the IVF worked. (Someone correct me on that if I am wrong but I dont think I am). So what if she is pregnant? Why did you give up if she only had the embryo transfer last week?

 

It just sounds like you have sooooooo much going on. IVF and 2 failed adoptions and now a third failed adoption all while undergoing IVF with your wife and now a pregnant OW. Evenjust in the last week, wow, another failed IVF (although again the timing seems like it should not be considered failed yet) and a match for adoption and you suddenly know you want a divorce. Its just almost, um well, just wow.

[Mr. Lucky]

What in the holy f**k. You deserve whatever you get and I hope one day your OW dumps your a** and you get to support a whole slew of children.

 

I get the anger. But the reality is that the OP isn't posting 2 years ago asking if he should have an affair. He's here now, today, with a pregnant OW, a devastated wife and a destroyed relationship.

 

At some point we have to move from judgement to support - which doesn't mean approval - and advice. He followed the almost unanimous feedback to tell his wife and appears to be exiting the marriage. Given the circumstances and history, probably for the best. It's a leap of faith to assume his wife would want his company or comfort...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ladydesigner]

I get the anger. But the reality is that the OP isn't posting 2 years ago asking if he should have an affair. He's here now, today, with a pregnant OW, a devastated wife and a destroyed relationship.

 

At some point we have to move from judgement to support - which doesn't mean approval - and advice. He followed the almost unanimous feedback to tell his wife and appears to be exiting the marriage. Given the circumstances and history, probably for the best. It's a leap of faith to assume his wife would want his company or comfort...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I get it and I would hope that his wife wouln't want his company. Good he told his wife although she would have found out anyway after OW's baby is born.

 

The fact that OP uses his wife's inability to have children and obsessiveness with it is repulsive to me.

[Mr Blunt]

OP

You know that your OW knows that you have proven that you will cheat on your wife because you are bored. You know that your OW will throw an innocent woman under the buss for her selfish desires. I am sure you also know, or should know, that your chances of having a successful marriage with the OW is lower than your marriage to your wife. Will you post an update in a year or two? That update will shed some light on reality.

 

 

The support that I want to give you is to encourage you to start to grow up and not think and act like a teenager. You do not deserve to have any support except that you have an innocent child coming into this world and the last thing that child needs is a selfish father that will sacrifice a family member for his own pleasures. When your daughter is born she will need a good, decent, and strong father that is willing to sacrifice for her so that she does not fall to the many temptations that out youth fall into.

 

 

This world does not need another girl that has a ruined life. You are either going to be a person that affects her very positively or very negatively; fathers have a special effect on daughters. You have severely hurt your wife so will you become a man and help save your daughter?

[wmacbride]

due to the compressed time frame he is facing, the op will have some decisions to make.

 

FWIW, I would recommend that he not jump into a M with his ow until he actually gets to know what she is like in a "normal", non- affair relationship.

 

Of course, he should be there for his daughter. He can still be a fully engaged and loving father without needing to be married to her mother Sure, a M could happen sometime down the road but to my mind, it would be better to not rush into it until he has dealt with all the fallout from his current one.

 

Also, as another poster pointed out, if there is the potential that his W is currently pregnant form her final round of infertility treatment, how will all that play out, especially if she was implanted with more than one embryo and the result is a pregnancy with multiple babies. He could well find himself the father of at least two or more children, all the same age.

 

His poor wife, going through all these hormonal upheavals she has been through, and now having to cope with this A crap too.

 

It's the makings of one of those afternoon talk shows.

[wmacbride]

OP

You know that your OW knows that you have proven that you will cheat on your wife because you are bored. You know that your OW will throw an innocent woman under the buss for her selfish desires. I am sure you also know, or should know, that your chances of having a successful marriage with the OW is lower than your marriage to your wife. Will you post an update in a year or two? That update will shed some light on reality.

 

 

The support that I want to give you is to encourage you to start to grow up and not think and act like a teenager. You do not deserve to have any support except that you have an innocent child coming into this world and the last thing that child needs is a selfish father that will sacrifice a family member for his own pleasures. When your daughter is born she will need a good, decent, and strong father that is willing to sacrifice for her so that she does not fall to the many temptations that out youth fall into.

 

 

This world does not need another girl that has a ruined life. You are either going to be a person that affects her very positively or very negatively; fathers have a special effect on daughters. You have severely hurt your wife so will you become a man and help save your daughter?

 

This is especially true in this situation, as all this little girl will need to do is add up the dates, and she'll be able to figure out that her daddy was married to someone else when he mommy got pregnant with her.

 

What sort of relationship lesson will that teach her?

[GunslingerRoland]

As horrible as what the OP has done is, I will say that it isn't his fault that his wife has made her whole life and happiness around having kids. The reality is that this wasn't going to end well no matter what. People who are lonely, sad and isolated and decide to have kids to fix that are rarely better off for it. Especially adopting foreign children with severe disabilities is probably not the best idea for someone who doesn't have a strong social network.

 

 

I don't know where she goes from here, but in all honesty she may have dodged a bullet. My hope is that she now takes this opportunity to find herself and fix her life before worrying about children again.

 

 

Not trying to excuse anything the OP has done... the fertility issues are a poor excuse for having the affair, and it's insane how he is trying to see a bright side of this situation.

 

 

This thread just makes me depressed, I can't imagine how the people actually involved feel right now.

[WasOtherWoman]

I've yet to hear of an affair where they DID use condoms.

 

Impulse-control isn't typically at the center of these things.

 

What? Come on... how did I know where his wife had been? We absolutely used condoms.

[WasOtherWoman]

If the OP won't commit to the marriage, doubt he'd want to commit to co-parenting two adopted children with a STBX wife. And even if he was willing, not sure it would be the best idea given the drama to come.

 

Hard to witness, even from afar...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Spot on... he absolutely should NOT commit to adopting these children and then divorce.

[TaraMaiden2]

As horrible as what the OP has done is, I will say that it isn't his fault that his wife has made her whole life and happiness around having kids. The reality is that this wasn't going to end well no matter what. People who are lonely, sad and isolated and decide to have kids to fix that are rarely better off for it.

While I completely agree with the latter comment, I have to add that there is every possibility she was also on hormone therapy. When a woman's hormones go haywire, and her whole body yearns to carry a baby - well, I can't tell you how fixated a woman becomes. It's a single-point-focused obsession, and a woman who is hormonally-desperate to have a child (which is different to being lonely, sad and isolated) can think of nothing else. She eats, sleeps, lives and exists for having a child.

In fact, very often, the desperate desire to become pregnant can prove to be detrimental to the process itself.

It's often happened that those desperate to have children, have finally admitted defeat, decided on adoption, (because bearing a kid is not ever gonna happen.... right?) and BAM! Whaddya know?? Oh good Lordy - She's pregnant!!

 

Especially adopting foreign children with severe disabilities is probably not the best idea for someone who doesn't have a strong social network.

Given the situation now, I have to agree....

 

I don't know where she goes from here, but in all honesty she may have dodged a bullet. My hope is that she now takes this opportunity to find herself and fix her life before worrying about children again.

If the OP's evaluation of his wife's current temperament is anything to go by, this could honestly take a lifetime.

 

Seriously. I don't think he can have any idea just how devastating and body-AND-soul-destroying his revelation has been to her. When I first tabled the possibility of being suicidal, in my very first post, I wasn't being dramatic.

 

 

Not trying to excuse anything the OP has done... the fertility issues are a poor excuse for having the affair, and it's insane how he is trying to see a bright side of this situation.

I think he's either so blinded by his own situation, or he really has ceased completely top even care one iota about his wife.

Doubtless, he felt neglected by her in all of this. I can understand that. But his remedy is nothing short of shameful and despicable, and how he can justify anything he's done, is beyond anyone's comprehension...

[ladydesigner]

This is especially true in this situation, as all this little girl will need to do is add up the dates, and she'll be able to figure out that her daddy was married to someone else when he mommy got pregnant with her.

 

What sort of relationship lesson will that teach her?

 

So true. Though I am not the child conceived during an A I am the child of parents who both met while they were married, moved right in together and had me a year later. I don't think highly of how my parents went about things and me and my sister witnessed how my Dad's side of the family viewed my mom even to this day. I was never given a good example of a relationship (my mom had 3 more affairs on my dad)and I'm not showing my kids one either due to my WH's actions. It's a cluster f*ck

[GunslingerRoland]

... I have to add that there is every possibility she was also on hormone therapy. When a woman's hormones go haywire, and her whole body yearns to carry a baby - well, I can't tell you how fixated a woman becomes. It's a single-point-focused obsession, and a woman who is hormonally-desperate to have a child (which is different to being lonely, sad and isolated) can think of nothing else. She eats, sleeps, lives and exists for having a child.

 

Fair enough, but maybe I misunderstood but it sounded like this woman was already isolated and had nothing in her life except her husband and her hope of babies (God help her, because she didn't really have either of those things).

[TaraMaiden2]

Fair enough, but maybe I misunderstood but it sounded like this woman was already isolated and had nothing in her life except her husband and her hope of babies (God help her, because she didn't really have either of those things).

As far as she was concerned - her husband was her refuge from isolation. She may have thought he was on board with everything that was going on. The fact that he apparently made no mention of how he felt, and went along with the fertility treatment was sufficient proof for her to believe that he was as eager as she was for this to succeed.

The OP has already emphasised how much he wanted kids, too, how he won't abandon his daughter... so it would appear that he was maybe more enthusiastic than he is making himself out to sound.

 

But his own agenda was more important to him, than being concerned with his wife's history or complicated psychological mind-set.

 

As you say, what she thought was support, security and comfort, proved to be hollow and non-existent.

 

To say I feel for the woman, doesn't even begin to cover it....

[S2B]

Did you tell your wife yet?

[ladydesigner]

Did you tell your wife yet?

 

Yep at least he did that much. Here's the post:

 

Originally Posted by eyepeg View Post

I told my wife that I had an affair and that she's pregnant. I didn't tell her how long or any other details. Just that I had an affair with a colleague and she's pregnant.

 

All my wife said was "we just got matched [for adoption, after a 3 year process]" and sat there totally silent and blank. Wouldn't respond to anything I said or acknowledge anything I said.

 

In that moment I realized that I don't want to be married to my wife anymore. We both had a lot of heartache in the infertility and adoption process and what she said just didn't matter anymore. The adoption won't go through now and it doesn't hurt me like it has in the past. I feel bad for my wife but myself, no.

 

She texted me a picture of the two little brothers we got matched to saying "so you know who you're leaving behind". And texted the health problems they have that won't get proper attention in their country. One has a cleft lip and palate and needs surgeries along with speech and swallow therapy, the other won't make it to his 3rd birthday without a heart surgery.

 

That's it, that's all she said when I told her. All she cares about is babies. She won't talk to me now and locked herself in the bedroom.

 

Obviously the timing sucks and I feel bad for that. But the additional factor of the adoption was out of my control. I considered putting off the divorce long enough for the adoption to be finalized but it could be a few weeks or many months to get them. Along with that, I don't know the rules on divorce after adoption and if the kids could be taken back.

[minimariah]

Along with that, I don't know the rules on divorce after adoption and if the kids could be taken back.

 

?

 

if the adoption goes through - the children won't go back; they will stay with your wife and you and the custody will be arranged by the court. joint, sole, whatever the judge decides is the best.

 

you can give up your parental rights if the adoption goes through so your wife will be the only parent; she can also proceed to adopt on her own. but it's super hard being a sole caretaker of a sick child, financially and emotionally.

 

i think you're done with the marriage, you're just looking for a valid reason to leave; meaning, you're looking for some kind of "sign" that the wife saw you as a sperm donor and didn't really love you in order to ease up your own guilty... although it does not seem like you feel much guilt at all.

 

i don't think you're aware of the damage you caused.

[noelle303]

 

To say I feel for the woman, doesn't even begin to cover it....

 

I know. Combined with the fact that two little boys are now back waiting for parents and necessary healthcare and this just might be the most heartbreaking thing I have read on this forum.

 

And I'm a pretty non-judgmental person, given the fact that my own child's dad is married.

[EverySunset]

I think you know what's ahead of you, what's behind.

 

And, knowing your OW was pregnant, you did another round of IVF with your wife using the last of your fertilized embryos? What if she had become pregnant? Two babies (at least, sometimes more w IVF) born months apart by different women?

 

Your life is what you make it. Please, please be gentle with your wife as you do what lies ahead of you on the path you have chosen. She wants to be a mother, a wife, a FAMILY so bad and that's gone.

 

Please be kind. You are about to get everything you both ever wanted, without her.

[dreamingoftigers]

Here is where I am confused. Its my understanding that it takes longer than a week to determine if the IVF worked. (Someone correct me on that if I am wrong but I dont think I am). So what if she is pregnant? Why did you give up if she only had the embryo transfer last week?

 

It just sounds like you have sooooooo much going on. IVF and 2 failed adoptions and now a third failed adoption all while undergoing IVF with your wife and now a pregnant OW. Evenjust in the last week, wow, another failed IVF (although again the timing seems like it should not be considered failed yet) and a match for adoption and you suddenly know you want a divorce. Its just almost, um well, just wow.

 

Holy cow, is everyone here still buying what this guy is selling?

 

Really?