Grapesofwrath Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 Agree with previous posters that you are no longer in the driver's seat, nor should you be. Decisions are going to be made for you, as well they should be, considering the way you've managed things thus far. First order of business is to summon all supportive resources FOR HER, and then come clean to your wife. 100% clean. No more secrets. You are not going to be able to keep this baby a secret, and trickle-truth will only make matters worse FOR HER. Your wife is at risk here. Seriously at risk. Protect her. Make sure there is a plan for her safety. Your wife will need support through this, including professional support. She is about to enter the worst period of her life. As heart-wrenching as infertility can be, this is layered on top of a childhood of abandonment and assignment to the foster care system. She thought she found a home and a safe haven with you, which clearly she has not. She hoped to heal some of those childhood issues through motherhood, which you have stolen from her and given to someone else. The mind boggles. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author eyepeg Posted May 23, 2016 Author Share Posted May 23, 2016 I told my wife that I had an affair and that she's pregnant. I didn't tell her how long or any other details. Just that I had an affair with a colleague and she's pregnant. All my wife said was "we just got matched [for adoption, after a 3 year process]" and sat there totally silent and blank. Wouldn't respond to anything I said or acknowledge anything I said. In that moment I realized that I don't want to be married to my wife anymore. We both had a lot of heartache in the infertility and adoption process and what she said just didn't matter anymore. The adoption won't go through now and it doesn't hurt me like it has in the past. I feel bad for my wife but myself, no. She texted me a picture of the two little brothers we got matched to saying "so you know who you're leaving behind". And texted the health problems they have that won't get proper attention in their country. One has a cleft lip and palate and needs surgeries along with speech and swallow therapy, the other won't make it to his 3rd birthday without a heart surgery. That's it, that's all she said when I told her. All she cares about is babies. She won't talk to me now and locked herself in the bedroom. Obviously the timing sucks and I feel bad for that. But the additional factor of the adoption was out of my control. I considered putting off the divorce long enough for the adoption to be finalized but it could be a few weeks or many months to get them. Along with that, I don't know the rules on divorce after adoption and if the kids could be taken back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
EverySunset Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 I'm speechless I'll get my head together and post again 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 I told my wife that I had an affair and that she's pregnant. I didn't tell her how long or any other details. Just that I had an affair with a colleague and she's pregnant. All my wife said was "we just got matched [for adoption, after a 3 year process]" and sat there totally silent and blank. Wouldn't respond to anything I said or acknowledge anything I said. In that moment I realized that I don't want to be married to my wife anymore. We both had a lot of heartache in the infertility and adoption process and what she said just didn't matter anymore. The adoption won't go through now and it doesn't hurt me like it has in the past. I feel bad for my wife but myself, no. She texted me a picture of the two little brothers we got matched to saying "so you know who you're leaving behind". And texted the health problems they have that won't get proper attention in their country. One has a cleft lip and palate and needs surgeries along with speech and swallow therapy, the other won't make it to his 3rd birthday without a heart surgery. That's it, that's all she said when I told her. All she cares about is babies. She won't talk to me now and locked herself in the bedroom. Obviously the timing sucks and I feel bad for that. But the additional factor of the adoption was out of my control. I considered putting off the divorce long enough for the adoption to be finalized but it could be a few weeks or many months to get them. Along with that, I don't know the rules on divorce after adoption and if the kids could be taken back. also my thoughts its not you she is interested in, she could be with anybody for that "project" to happen, (which makes it more likely for her to move on and find somebody new fast)))- no matter what dont go drown with her, just save yourself:( 1 Link to post Share on other sites
snowbunni Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 You're actually a very honest guy. You told all that to us and you manned up and told your wife everything, even though it probably devastated her. Sometimes life has painful ironies and she's just been on the receiving end of one, but she should have made you her priority and not having a baby. A baby is a gift from God, not a material thing to improve one's life, and she should have done everything to make you happy. Just my opinion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 I told my wife that I had an affair and that she's pregnant. I didn't tell her how long or any other details. Just that I had an affair with a colleague and she's pregnant. All my wife said was "we just got matched [for adoption, after a 3 year process]" and sat there totally silent and blank. Wouldn't respond to anything I said or acknowledge anything I said. In that moment I realized that I don't want to be married to my wife anymore. We both had a lot of heartache in the infertility and adoption process and what she said just didn't matter anymore. The adoption won't go through now and it doesn't hurt me like it has in the past. I feel bad for my wife but myself, no. She texted me a picture of the two little brothers we got matched to saying "so you know who you're leaving behind". And texted the health problems they have that won't get proper attention in their country. One has a cleft lip and palate and needs surgeries along with speech and swallow therapy, the other won't make it to his 3rd birthday without a heart surgery. That's it, that's all she said when I told her. All she cares about is babies. She won't talk to me now and locked herself in the bedroom. Obviously the timing sucks and I feel bad for that. But the additional factor of the adoption was out of my control. I considered putting off the divorce long enough for the adoption to be finalized but it could be a few weeks or many months to get them. Along with that, I don't know the rules on divorce after adoption and if the kids could be taken back. Please get your wife some support, she will need it. DO NOT leave her unattended for any length of time, she is a serious suicide risk. This is all so sad. YOU seem to be totally devoid of empathy. YOU have ruined her life completely and all you are worried about is getting the divorce finalized ASAP. 14 Link to post Share on other sites
Moxie Lady Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 You're actually a very honest guy. You told all that to us and you manned up and told your wife everything, even though it probably devastated her. Sometimes life has painful ironies and she's just been on the receiving end of one, but she should have made you her priority and not having a baby. A baby is a gift from God, not a material thing to improve one's life, and she should have done everything to make you happy. Just my opinion. He wanted kids and she couldn't have them. So she took hormones for five years trying to give him a baby. How is that not making him a "priority"? Speechless. 14 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 You're actually a very honest guy. You told all that to us and you manned up and told your wife everything, even though it probably devastated her. Sometimes life has painful ironies and she's just been on the receiving end of one, but she should have made you her priority and not having a baby. A baby is a gift from God, not a material thing to improve one's life, and she should have done everything to make you happy. Just my opinion. Pardon!!!! His wife is infertile and has gone through multiple IVF treatments... smh 5 Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 I told my wife that I had an affair and that she's pregnant. I didn't tell her how long or any other details. Just that I had an affair with a colleague and she's pregnant. All my wife said was "we just got matched [for adoption, after a 3 year process]" and sat there totally silent and blank. Wouldn't respond to anything I said or acknowledge anything I said. In that moment I realized that I don't want to be married to my wife anymore. We both had a lot of heartache in the infertility and adoption process and what she said just didn't matter anymore. The adoption won't go through now and it doesn't hurt me like it has in the past. I feel bad for my wife but myself, no. She texted me a picture of the two little brothers we got matched to saying "so you know who you're leaving behind". And texted the health problems they have that won't get proper attention in their country. One has a cleft lip and palate and needs surgeries along with speech and swallow therapy, the other won't make it to his 3rd birthday without a heart surgery. That's it, that's all she said when I told her. All she cares about is babies. She won't talk to me now and locked herself in the bedroom. Obviously the timing sucks and I feel bad for that. But the additional factor of the adoption was out of my control. I considered putting off the divorce long enough for the adoption to be finalized but it could be a few weeks or many months to get them. Along with that, I don't know the rules on divorce after adoption and if the kids could be taken back. I do comend you for coming clean about everything to your wife. If you don't want to be married to her anymore, then there is nothing else left to say. It is certainly better then stringing her along and putting her through a fake reconciliation process. But I am absolutely heartbroken for the two little children who are the collateral damage in this and won't get the family and help that they need. Is there any way she can still go through with this as a single parent? Or is there any way to say married legally until the adoption goes through? The children won't be taken back after the divorce. This is incredibly sad. Please make sure your wife doesn't hurt herself in any way. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 Please get your wife some support, she will need it. DO NOT leave her unattended for any length of time, she is a serious suicide risk. This is all so sad. YOU seem to be totally devoid of empathy. YOU have ruined her life completely and all you are worried about is getting the divorce finalized ASAP. didnt you read what her reaction was when he told her? i try not to assume anything because i wasnt there but that was almost for a blind to see:cool: Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 I do comend you for coming clean about everything to your wife. If you don't want to be married to her anymore, then there is nothing else left to say. It is certainly better then stringing her along and putting her through a fake reconciliation process. But I am absolutely heartbroken for the two little children who are the collateral damage in this and won't get the family and help that they need. Is there any way she can still go through with this as a single parent? Or is there any way to say married legally until the adoption goes through? The children won't be taken back after the divorce. This is incredibly sad. Please make sure your wife doesn't hurt herself in any way. how can he make sure his wife doesnt hurt herself?, shes an adult? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 didnt you read what her reaction was when he told her? i try not to assume anything because i wasnt there but that was almost for a blind to see:cool: This woman will be in total shock over this news, not only has her man been cheating on her and he now has the baby she wanted to give him but after 3 years of going through the adoption process he is also taking away the very children she no doubt has already bonded with. She has NOTHING left, don't you understand NOTHING! 10 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 This woman will be in total shock over this news, not only has her man been cheating on her and he now has the baby she wanted to give him but after 3 years of going through the adoption process he is also taking away the very children she no doubt has already bonded with. She has NOTHING left, don't you understand NOTHING! Did I totally miss where he said earlier in the thread that they had adopted? Plus, he could wait on the divorce to allow the adoption to go through for his wife if he cared about anything other than his dick. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 how can he make sure his wife doesnt hurt herself?, shes an adult? Perhaps call any friend to come stay with her? Himself stay with her, at least for a little while until he can accurately assess her mental stability after the shock wears off. She lost a husband, she just lost the two children she was hoping for for years, she has no family of her own, I just think that the OP, her husband who she relied on for 13 years and who betrayed her in the end, owes her at least that. I also think that he should at least try and see if they can push the adoption through after all. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 This woman will be in total shock over this news, not only has her man been cheating on her and he now has the baby she wanted to give him but after 3 years of going through the adoption process he is also taking away the very children she no doubt has already bonded with. She has NOTHING left, don't you understand NOTHING! Is it all about her? why? shall he sacrifice himself for her dreams of a family? i think its better to wake up late than never:cool: but i do hope you are happy in whatever circumstances you are in, Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 Is it all about her? why? shall he sacrifice himself for her dreams of a family? i think its better to wake up late than never:cool: but i do hope you are happy in whatever circumstances you are in, It wasn't just her dream. They went into this process TOGETHER. And he left her high and dry near the finish line. 14 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 Is it all about her? why? shall he sacrifice himself for her dreams of a family? i think its better to wake up late than never:cool: but i do hope you are happy in whatever circumstances you are in, The wife is the innocent party here, she has done nothing wrong here whatsoever. Why are you so against her? I feel I have entered a parallel universe where empathy doesn't seem to exist... 15 Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 The wife is the innocent party here, she has done nothing wrong here whatsoever. Why are you so against her? I feel I have entered a parallel universe where empathy doesn't seem to exist... to me it seems you have zero empathy for him? i have empathy for her but i just dont think he shall sacrifice himself for her, as i said i think better to wake up late than never than continue on the road to hell:( i dont say he can not be her friend? afterall it seemd that was all she felt for him?? didnt it? pardon me ladies... Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 to me it seems you have zero empathy for him? i have empathy for her but i just dont think he shall sacrifice himself for her, as i said i think better to wake up late than never than continue on the road to hell:( i dont say he can not be her friend? afterall it seemd that was all she felt for him?? didnt it? pardon me ladies... No one is saying he has to remain married to her. If he doesn't want to then he certainly shouldn't feel forced to do it. But he was cheating on her for two years, all the while she was waiting and hoping for a family that she thought both of them want. After all, they started this adoption process together and he had to let it come this far before he left her hanging? He had to lead her within an inch of reach and then drop her? Because of THAT he owes her a massive apology and to at least try and see if they can follow through with an adoption and then divorce after. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Moxie Lady Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 to me it seems you have zero empathy for him? i have empathy for her but i just dont think he shall sacrifice himself for her, as i said i think better to wake up late than never than continue on the road to hell:( i dont say he can not be her friend? afterall it seemd that was all she felt for him?? didnt it? pardon me ladies... Maybe Im missing something but where did you get the impression that she only felt friendship for him? She was in shock when he told her. Have you ever seen anyone in shock? The anger will be forthcoming. And how is he "on the road to hell"? Are we reading the same thread? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
deadparrot Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 I guess it's a good thing you came clean to your wife, OP, but your reaction is bordering on alarmingly cold. Her life has just been turned upside down out of the blue. She thought she and her husband were going to become the parents of two children, now she's losing all three of them in the bargain, plus dealing with some major emotional trauma and betrayal. So no, she may not respond exactly the way you expect. You're going to need to stop sneering and accept that. If you care about her at all, make sure she's okay, or get someone who does care about her to be with her right now. It's the very least you can do in a situation that is pretty much black and white, and not in your favor. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Hamilton Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 The wife is the innocent party here, she has done nothing wrong here whatsoever. Why are you so against her? I feel I have entered a parallel universe where empathy doesn't seem to exist... I was asking myself a similar question and have deleted my response to this development four or five times because I'm floored by how how this played out. "Here's the kids we were matched to... One is going to die. Then I realized I wanted a divorce. I thought about staying just until the adoption came though m, but that may take weeks. That's too long." What happened between "I screwed up and don't want to hurt her" and "the first bomb I chucked didn't do enough visible damage so I'm going to throw another one to see if I can make this a real mess"? 13 Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 Maybe Im missing something but where did you get the impression that she only felt friendship for him? She was in shock when he told her. Have you ever seen anyone in shock? The anger will be forthcoming. And how is he "on the road to hell"? Are we reading the same thread? her choice of words when he told her, i think i was something like: we just go matched (for adoption) and what he wrote about her sending him pictures of the two to be adopted children, to me that showed that all she cared about was that project and she showed no feelings of jealousy or anger at him for betraying her with another woman, i got the feeling it was more the loss of the adoption than the loss of him that mattered to her. Just what i read from his story:) goodnight Link to post Share on other sites
Moxie Lady Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 her choice of words when he told her, i think i was something like: we just go matched (for adoption) and what he wrote about her sending him pictures of the two to be adopted children, to me that showed that all she cared about was that project and she showed no feelings of jealousy or anger at him for betraying her with another woman, i got the feeling it was more the loss of the adoption than the loss of him that mattered to her. Just what i read from his story:) goodnight If my husband told me that he had gotten some woman pregnant after I dealt with 5 years of infertility and right at the time that I found out an adoption was going to happen my first reaction would be the kids too. It would not be jealousy or anything about him (except maybe to plan how to dismember him and scatter the body parts around the house). I sure would not be concerned about losing him. Thats me though. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Liam1 Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 So even if she forgives the cheating, she'll never get over me having a child with someone else and her not being able to. My wife has no friends (we moved to my hometown and she doesn't know anyone here) and no family (foster system kid). So there won't be anyone there to support her. On the other hand, we could still end up with a child. Of course we'd be sharing it but it would still be mine and she'd be part of it as well. . This is going to be extremely painful for your wife. This child is not hers and will never be hers and the fact that you have to share this child with the woman you had an affair with will be incredibly humiliating to her. Your OW sounds as if she used the good old fashioned method of getting pregnant to trap you into marriage. What a major deception. Proceed with caution. She is showing what the rest of your life will be like with her. In the 21st century, no one who is intelligent enough to use birth control, need get pregnant.....unless they want to. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts