Cheating for 2 years and now she's pregnant

[noelle303]

While nothing excuses the op's behavior, the ow may well be playing the baby card in order to get him to leave his wife for her.

 

The ow also has access to condoms. She also has access to bc pills, IUD's, the "morning after pill", a therapeutic abortion, and more. In the area of reproduction, she is in the driver's seat, and it sounds like she chose to use a child to get what she felt entitled to. I have zero pity for someone in that situtaion.

 

 

Let's not make assumptions on how this pregnancy was concieved and what could be the OW's motivation behind her choice to continue the pregnancy. It's not the topic and it's not important, she doesn't seek our pity.

 

My pregnancy with xMM was completely accidental and while being pro-choice, I decided to have the baby with or without him. It was a choice of mine and I made it for myself, not to trap xMM.

[noelle303]

Has anyone here gone through 5 years of fertility treatments? Forked over nearly $53,000 out of pocket on it? While going through that had wife that had no friends here to talk to and absolutely no family? She has no support, besides me and the fertility counsellor, at all. She was put into foster care, never adopted and sent from home to home.

 

I never said I didn't f up. But it's not like I left the perfect marriage for it. All we have been doing for the last 5 years is tests, procedures, shots, temperatures, strict diets, strict exercise, sex like it's a chore. My wife just had her last IVF and we're done trying now.

 

I'm not going to abandon my daughter. My wife was abandoned and I see what that did to her.

 

I understand that it was a huge strain on your marriage and an even bigger loss in terms of how you two envisioned your future together.

 

But now the quesion is whether you think there is something in your marriage worth saving or do you believe it is irretriebavly broken?

[burnt]

OK…first of all, OP, good to see that you didn't disappear and read all the posters comments and hope you continue to visit the thread--support doesn't just mean hearing positive and kind remarks; sometimes, support is going to be slaps on the face.

 

Yes, you f***ed up big time--and clearly you know it. So I won't add any comment to vilify you any farther.

 

So…next steps:

I agree; you must come clean with your wife. You don't have a choice there.

 

I DO honestly hope your wife chooses to divorce you. I am NOT saying this with a mean spirit. I am saying this is the BEST possible outcome, as hard as it may be to imagine.

 

IF you leave her, it will be ocean-full of salt on the already unimaginably big wound she has had to endure. But if she can muster up enough strength to leave, hopefully there will be a way for her to define happiness for herself in time--yes it will take a long time. But it's necessary for her to be separated from you at this point.

 

But with all due respect, no matter what you do, I cannot see any possible way for her ever to be happy if you and she remain married. Then what…?

 

So, let's play it out:

say you two remain married; you spend nothing but years trying to repair the damage to heal your wife's pain, yet at the same time you will have no way of cutting contact with the OW because of the child. Hearing of the child and hearing of the OW on a daily basis will mean your wife's wound will be constantly reopened and she will be reminded of her childlessness every waking second. Try to imagine what pain she will feel every moment she sees you SMILE holding this other woman's baby in YOUR arms while her arms are empty.

 

I'm so sorry to have to say, as ugly as my suggestion is going to be:

 

the best of the possible ugly and painful options is the only option:

 

pray your wife divorces you, so she can begin to heal ON HER OWN.

And then you begin a life with OW to protect your daughter from the ugliness of the world that's waiting for her. The child needs to be sheltered and loved by both her parents.

 

You cannot fix your wife's pain at this point.

Hate to say this, but being with the other woman is the only realistic option you have.

 

And make a promise to do everything within your power to never allow anyone around you to ever get hurt--just so that something good can come out of this mess.

 

Finally, understand, each and every single of us fail monumentally in life sometimes. And the only option we have left afterwards is to find a way heal others to find a way to heal ourselves.

 

It is a truly sad situation for everyone involved.

I wish the best for everyone.

 

**And don't leave the site--everyone posting here does so with good intentions.**

Edited May 22, 2016 by burnt

[minimariah]

my advice -- come clean to your wife, tell her the truth. she WILL find out, you cannot possibly stop that from happening and it will hurt a lot more if you dump her out of the blue & let her figure it out on her own.

 

then - divorce her. you allegedly love the OW so the affair won't really stop + your wife won't really be too thrilled to have the child around, especially if she cannot have one of her own. you have a chance to somewhat redeem yourself by taking full responsibility and try to provide a whole family to this child. i'd strongly advise you to not waste anyone's time. divorce and starting s family with the OW would be the best for everyone, i think - everything else sounds far too painful.

[Moxie Lady]

I never said I didn't f up. But it's not like I left the perfect marriage for it.

 

Infertility is very difficult. But not having the perfect marriage is not an excuse for going outside of it or else everyone would have justification. "For better or worse, in sickness and in health" and so forth. I assume you said those words or some version of them. They are not just words. You dont bail on your partner the second it gets hard.

 

Im wondering how you would feel if you were the one 'responsible' for the infertility? Would you be ok with her having a two year affair because things in the marriage were difficult? Just an honest question for you.

[Lady Hamilton]

Has anyone here gone through 5 years of fertility treatments? Forked over nearly $53,000 out of pocket on it?

 

No.

 

I did about 7 years of it. With my first husband.

 

7 years, numerous miscarriages, I think 8 D&Cs (at least 4 to help complete miscarriages and 4 to increase fertility, 3 with no pain meds), and 3 surgeries.

 

If my husband had marched home and said he'd had an affair and she was pregnant, but on the bright side this could be the baby we'd always wanted, they would still be looking for his body.

 

And that's coming from a former OW who didn't particularly like him by the end of the marriage and ended up leaving.

 

Seriously, I literally can't think of a worse way to bring this up to your wife.

 

I never said I didn't f up. But it's not like I left the perfect marriage for it. All we have been doing for the last 5 years is tests, procedures, shots, temperatures, strict diets, strict exercise, sex like it's a chore. My wife just had her last IVF and we're done trying now.

 

I take it back. This is a worse way.

 

I'm not going to abandon my daughter. My wife was abandoned and I see what that did to her.

 

Which means she'll take your abandonment along with the baby she wanted from you that you're having with somebody else just that much worse.

Edited May 22, 2016 by Lady Hamilton

[TaraMaiden2]

So glad my bit of reverse psychology worked.

 

Has anyone here gone through 5 years of fertility treatments? Forked over nearly $53,000 out of pocket on it? While going through that had wife that had no friends here to talk to and absolutely no family? She has no support, besides me and the fertility counsellor, at all. She was put into foster care, never adopted and sent from home to home.

Pardon me, but help me out with this bizarre logic... The wife had no support or friends; no family; no support besides you (hah!!) and the fertility counsellor; She was a foster child, never adopted and moved from pillar to post - and you think it's going to make these things better for her when she discovers you're a lying cheat with a child by another woman? How is that giving her any kind of support? You're warped in your view, you know that, right?

 

I never said I didn't f up. But it's not like I left the perfect marriage for it. All we have been doing for the last 5 years is tests, procedures, shots, temperatures, strict diets, strict exercise, sex like it's a chore. My wife just had her last IVF and we're done trying now.

Of course, the option of having relationships counselling, talking this through and sorting your problems out never crossed your mind. You just decided the best course of action, to remedy this sad and sorry situation was to feel sorry for yourself and CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE!!

 

I'm not going to abandon my daughter. My wife was abandoned and I see what that did to her.

I'm sure your wife will find that sentiment wholeheartedly touching, generous and loving.

It's a shame you abandoned your wife and decided in favour of finding fun between another woman's legs, instead. I'm sure she will find that touching, too.....

[Mr. Lucky]

Has anyone here gone through 5 years of fertility treatments? Forked over nearly $53,000 out of pocket on it? While going through that had wife that had no friends here to talk to and absolutely no family? She has no support, besides me and the fertility counsellor, at all. She was put into foster care, never adopted and sent from home to home.

 

I never said I didn't f up. But it's not like I left the perfect marriage for it. All we have been doing for the last 5 years is tests, procedures, shots, temperatures, strict diets, strict exercise, sex like it's a chore. My wife just had her last IVF and we're done trying now.

 

What does any of that have to do with what you've done? Do you think your back story is going to make your wife less hurt, your OW less lonely or your child less affected? If anything, the reverse will be true.

 

I'm not going to abandon my daughter. My wife was abandoned and I see what that did to her.

 

If you know the gender, your OW must be at least 4-5 months along. Not much time left until events will make your decisions for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Whoknew30]

Has anyone here gone through 5 years of fertility treatments? Forked over nearly $53,000 out of pocket on it? While going through that had wife that had no friends here to talk to and absolutely no family? She has no support, besides me and the fertility counsellor, at all. She was put into foster care, never adopted and sent from home to home.

 

I never said I didn't f up. But it's not like I left the perfect marriage for it. All we have been doing for the last 5 years is tests, procedures, shots, temperatures, strict diets, strict exercise, sex like it's a chore. My wife just had her last IVF and we're done trying now.

 

I'm not going to abandon my daughter. My wife was abandoned and I see what that did to her.

 

 

You didn't go through it...you watched your wife go through it!!! All that was required from you was your support & sperm, sure it was really difficult for you to have to masterbate in a cup!

 

Im a pretty open minded person & all I can say is...your wife deserves way better than you. You also know the sex of your child which means you've known for awhile & have pushed it off...you're not a man, you're a boy & both women & daugh deserve a man.

 

There's no helping someone like you. Really what kind of advice did you expect with your attitude? Tell & deal with it...be a real man for the first time.

 

Godbless your wife & your daughters...they're going to need him with you in their lives.

[CarrieT]

Eyepeg,

 

The bottom line is that you need to tell your wife. Immediately and not when your Affair Partner goes into labor. Then let her decide if she wants to remain with you or not.

 

Can you do that?

[MidnightBlue1980]

Has anyone here gone through 5 years of fertility treatments? Forked over nearly $53,000 out of pocket on it? While going through that had wife that had no friends here to talk to and absolutely no family? She has no support, besides me and the fertility counsellor, at all. She was put into foster care, never adopted and sent from home to home.

 

I never said I didn't f up. But it's not like I left the perfect marriage for it. All we have been doing for the last 5 years is tests, procedures, shots, temperatures, strict diets, strict exercise, sex like it's a chore. My wife just had her last IVF and we're done trying now.

 

I'm not going to abandon my daughter. My wife was abandoned and I see what that did to her.

 

I do actually. I have a friend who went through 5 years of invitro, had a baby, then implanted the leftover embryos and had twins. It destroyed the marriage, they are now divorced and it is very ugly. I believe he had an affair but I'm not sure. They each met new people immediately and are living with them. They hate each other.

 

I have a 2nd friend - many years of the same thing. One baby and the husband said no more. All the treatments ruined the marriage. She has multiple emotional affairs, maybe more, I am not sure.

 

And of course, xMM, many years of infertility treatments, one child, one stillborn. He refused to continue. It all ruined the marriage. They mutually live a sexless roommate marriage in which they are each happy to stay...forever. He wanted his cake on the side, I did not want to be cake, so I left. He is still there, looking in bakery windows. He is comfy, money, family and all.

 

Don't be like that guy. If you are not happy, let your wife go find someone who wants her. Don't wreck multiple lives with indecision and guilt. You have to tell her the truth.

[wmacbride]

Let's not make assumptions on how this pregnancy was concieved and what could be the OW's motivation behind her choice to continue the pregnancy. It's not the topic and it's not important, she doesn't seek our pity.

 

My pregnancy with xMM was completely accidental and while being pro-choice, I decided to have the baby with or without him. It was a choice of mine and I made it for myself, not to trap xMM.

 

I wholeheartedly disagree with your first premise.

 

In your case, it was not a planned event. It just happened, and you di not use it to guilt your mm into choosing you. It doesn't sound as if you have used your child as a way to create drama and stay in your mm life.

 

If the ow in the op's case did plan on using a pregnancy to guilt him into choosing her- I'm not saying she did for sure, but it is certainly a possibility-, it is very relevant. If he chooses his m, his ow may well through an adult version of a temper tantrum and use her child to create drama so that she can stay in his life, even if its only on the periphery.

 

it wouldn't be the first time it has happened. Should he feel that staying with his w is what he wants, he needs to know all the pertinent information so her can pass it along to his w so she can make informed decisions about her life.

Edited May 23, 2016 by wmacbride

[ChickiePops]

Has anyone here gone through 5 years of fertility treatments? Forked over nearly $53,000 out of pocket on it? While going through that had wife that had no friends here to talk to and absolutely no family? She has no support, besides me and the fertility counsellor, at all. She was put into foster care, never adopted and sent from home to home.

 

I never said I didn't f up. But it's not like I left the perfect marriage for it. All we have been doing for the last 5 years is tests, procedures, shots, temperatures, strict diets, strict exercise, sex like it's a chore. My wife just had her last IVF and we're done trying now.

 

I'm not going to abandon my daughter. My wife was abandoned and I see what that did to her.

 

So you're going to abandon her again now and you think you're better than her parents because you put a few years of effort into it first? That's actually worse. She won't remember her parents, but she sure will remember what you've done.

 

There is adoption, surrogacy, fostering..there are so many options. Don't try to pretend you cheated for any reasons other than selfishness. You wanted some strange..you didn't use protection..and now you're f*cked because of of it.

 

Your wife did not do anything to deserve what you've done to her..you should stop trying to blame her.

[Sioned]

Has anyone here gone through 5 years of fertility treatments? Forked over nearly $53,000 out of pocket on it?

 

Yes - while spending considerably more than that - your point? Other than to try and make out how hard done by you are?

 

While going through that had wife that had no friends here to talk to and absolutely no family? She has no support, besides me and the fertility counsellor, at all. She was put into foster care, never adopted and sent from home to home.

 

You think you have been supportive??? You have been off shagging another woman and getting her pregnant! This to you is support??? Its beyond cruel - it is the worst betrayal I can imagine as someone dealing with infertility myself. There are simply not the words to describe the depths of my disgust for you. Trust me - walk away from the poor woman and allow her to find a real man who understands what support actually entails, rather than whining about how sex is a chore because his wife is infertile.

 

I never said I didn't f up. But it's not like I left the perfect marriage for it. All we have been doing for the last 5 years is tests, procedures, shots, temperatures, strict diets, strict exercise, sex like it's a chore. My wife just had her last IVF and we're done trying now.

 

Oh my heart fricken bleeds! You have had it SO tough. Clearly you are not the infertile one, so stop making out you are having a hard time with tests and procedures. Yes - I have been there, and you are full of BS - your wife is the one who has had to bear the brunt of invasive tests and procedures, not you.

 

I'm not going to abandon my daughter. My wife was abandoned and I see what that did to her.

 

You abandoned your wife every single time you went to screw your fancy bit on the side. You betrayed her every time you left her for some cheap fun. And you will possibly destroy her when she finds out you have a child with another woman while she continues to bear the almost unbearable pain of never being able to have a child of her own - with you or with anyone else. What you have done is utterly despicable, and your attitude towards it, your wife, your mistress and your overweening ego is un-fricken-believeable. Your utter lack of empathy is frankly scary.

 

I beg you - leave your wife. Tell her the truth, then run away and Set up with the mother of your child, and allow your wife to find a fertility clinic that will give her a child of her own without having to have a scumbag like you as the father. There are plenty of places that can help her - even if she has to travel abroad - its a sad/happy fact that infertile women can if we chose try and have a child without needing a partner. And allow her to find a man for whom she is enough, who will accept her and love her without being a whiny cheating brat.

 

If my husband had ever done that to me - he sure as hell would never be able to father a second child!

[66Charger]

How do you tell your wife this? I mean really. The effort that she has gone thru, and now the only word that can describe what she will feel, is devastation. You dont deserve a child, you deserve your ass kicked. What you are going to do to your wife, will stay with her until she dies. What great sin did she do to deserve that? Unable to conceive? This is as worse as a married woman getting pregnant by her AP and passing it off to the husband.

 

You sir, are just plain dirt. There is nothing Man about you, except your tainted sperm.

[CoolHandLuke76]

This is a tough one. Stories like this are inspirational. They inspire people never to cheat. All I could offer is the truth is never a bad policy. Come clean and throw yourself on the mercy of the court.

Edited May 30, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~T

[bathtub-row]

Has anyone here gone through 5 years of fertility treatments? Forked over nearly $53,000 out of pocket on it? While going through that had wife that had no friends here to talk to and absolutely no family? She has no support, besides me and the fertility counsellor, at all. She was put into foster care, never adopted and sent from home to home.

 

I never said I didn't f up. But it's not like I left the perfect marriage for it. All we have been doing for the last 5 years is tests, procedures, shots, temperatures, strict diets, strict exercise, sex like it's a chore. My wife just had her last IVF and we're done trying now.

 

I'm not going to abandon my daughter. My wife was abandoned and I see what that did to her.

 

I can certainly understand how this put some incredible pressure on you and the marriage, and how the whole fertility thing became a downer and financial drain. Women can get so hyper-focused on having children that all else takes a back seat. I get all that. I really do. But your wife is in such a bad situation already that betraying her like this should've given you pause. She could very easily commit suicide over this. That's why I'm hesitant for you to tell her about the child. This is the stuff of every one of her nightmares.

 

You need to decide if you have the desire to stay in your marriage or not. It's very possible that even with all that has happened, your wife will want to work things out. You need to be prepared for that, especially if you're leaning toward ending your marriage.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I want to start out stating an obvious fallacy. You do have it in you to abandon your child, the fact your cheating dates back 2 years and during those 2 years you were trying to conceive a child with your wife. You walked away quite frequently even when the affair was "off?"

 

I strongly disagree with the posters that say you only have one option....to make a family with the OW. A child has never been the glue for their dysfunctional parents and won't be here either.

 

Start at the start. Step 1. I do not see a way around your wife, family, work, friends...etc not being able to do simple Math when it comes to the birthdate of this child. It isn't about will this be easy...cause it won't.....its just that you HAVE to tell your wife and family....now.

 

Step 2. Get thyself into therapy....yesterday. You have a lot to process and decisions to make.

 

Step 3. Do not rush into anything before you know yourself better. This version of you does not act like they have much in the way of commitment to offer. Believe it or not....a child adds stress to a relationship, you have shown that the stress of just trying caused you to reach out for external validation. Babies are the epitome of selfiness and don't give a rats ass if their parents are in the mood for them at the moment.

 

Step 4. Find out your rights as a father to this child. I would go as far as to say..start the process of support and custody arrangements. That is way more important and prudent than to think that your only option is to move in together.

 

It truly breaks my heart...that your wife has been let down again. I really hope that she is able to pick herself back up...stronger than before. She is obviously a survivor/thriver type of soul as she has already raised herself up beyond where she started.

[ShatteredLady]

Quote - "Has anyone here gone through 5 years of fertility treatments? Forked over nearly $53,000 out of pocket on it?"

Many COUPLES who want a baby go through this & worse. It must be hard to watch the 'Love of Your Life' endure such pain & desperation. It must of been brutal for her & exhausting for you to stand by her side as her husband supporting her

 

 

"While going through that had wife that had no friends here to talk to and absolutely no family? She has no support, besides me and the fertility counsellor, at all."

Having moved her away from everyone that she did have to love & support her must of made you feel very guilty. I can only imagine the pressure that you put upon yourself & the pressure of completely understanding how hard it must of been for her, trying to give her your ALL as a good husband.

 

 

"She was put into foster care, never adopted and sent from home to home."

It's beautiful that she found her love, her support, her family in you at such a young age. It must of been like a dream come true for her to finally find 'HOME' & feel loved & belonging after everything that she endured.

[Mr Blunt]

By eyepeg

I've been married to my wife for 6 years, together for 13 years total. We were "high school sweethearts" and for a long time it was great. Then I got bored and regretted not spending my youth dating more.

 

My guess is that you are around 30 years old. However you think like a 13 year old.

You take your high school sweetheart and marry her then get bored so you go and hump a woman that is also selfish like you.

 

 

Your f..k buddy wants you to leave your wife and be with her because your wife cannot have a child. Your girlfriend is a real immoral woman that will never trust you and you will never trust her. You are both betrayers and you will get bored with her if she does not get bored with you.

 

I hope your wife divorces you and finds a real man. Your wife will need lots of help with your stab in the back but she cannot get that from a t 13 year old boy like you

[EverySunset]

Infertility is so, so hard on couples. Everyone I know is touched by it in some way, and it usually keeps a choke hold on the couple at the center.

 

I've known both sides to actually cheat, and not use safe sex. It blows my mind, because I feel like it defeats the very purpose of what they're fighting for. But I've seen infertility drive people to addiction, alcohol, gambling, general out of control bad behavior (like late night constant partying with strangers, leaving spouse at home) and even cut flat abandonment. One of my friends had to divorce her husband in absentia when he disappeared! Took 2 years and MANY tears.

 

That said. It's done.

 

No, I'm not absolving anyone. My heart breaks all over the place for the people involved here. But please, PLEASE be mindful moving forward of everyone. How?

 

Your wife has been on artificial and jumped-up hormones for FIVE YEARS. Think of body betrayal, mood swings you can barely control, and a life changing journey that is about to end for her. Perfect storm material. She is going to hate, here. Hate you, hate the OW, probably hate the new baby too in a completely unnatural way for her but again, forced and unnatural body altering chemicals are already flowing through her. She will find out. Even if you tried unsuccessfully to hide it, the paternity and child support proceedings OW would push for and get would alert your wife. You have to tell her. She will be broken. Your job is to make sure she is cared for, and doesn't hurt herself, or anyone else. This is the stuff of suicide.

 

Your OW is alone, unmarried, in love and pregnant. She is full of hormones and desperate thoughts herself. No, hormones are not an excuse, but they are a very real chemical messenger in the body that is out of whack for pregnant girls - on top of her ticking time bomb situation. She too, will be feeling like she's playing for keeps here, and she is. Your job is to make sure she's cared for, and that of the tiny life inside her that is yours. This is the stuff of destructive behavior, and lashing out.

 

I think you need to focus on those three women EXCLUSIVELY and take your needs out of the equation. You have a lot to focus on, and your needs will have to take a backseat to these three women.

 

Please get a counselor. And an attorney. Be ready for the rain, and be GENTLE with these women even if they lash out. They're hurting. In pain. And they all need the support.

 

Stop focusing on you, and you can better empathize what they need.

 

Life will unfold the best it can that way.

[gettingstronger]

I think you are now in a position where decisions will be made for you-

 

Brace yourself to step up and handle the life you have created-

 

Best of luck-

[noelle303]

I wholeheartedly disagree with your first premise.

 

In your case, it was not a planned event. It just happened, and you di not use it to guilt your mm into choosing you. It doesn't sound as if you have used your child as a way to create drama and stay in your mm life.

 

If the ow in the op's case did plan on using a pregnancy to guilt him into choosing her- I'm not saying she did for sure, but it is certainly a possibility-, it is very relevant. If he chooses his m, his ow may well through an adult version of a temper tantrum and use her child to create drama so that she can stay in his life, even if its only on the periphery.

 

it wouldn't be the first time it has happened. Should he feel that staying with his w is what he wants, he needs to know all the pertinent information so her can pass it along to his w so she can make informed decisions about her life.

 

 

Yes, it's a possibility and yes, she could throw a temper tantrum if things don't go the way she imagined. But, she can't legally stop OP from being involved in his child's life and she can't stop his wife from being involved as a stepmom (if she remains his wife that is).

 

Plus, the way you put it in your first post was ''it sounds like she did it on purpose'', when the OP literally gave no information on the woman other than they've been in a relationship, she is pregnant and she is keeping the baby.

[TaraMaiden2]

From what the OP relates though, it's not beyond the realms of imagination to wonder whether her primary reason for keeping the baby, would be to convince him to leave his wife and set up happy families with her.

 

In any case, as soon as his wife finds out, I think it will be a moot point.

I see very little time between his "Darling I have something to tell you..." And her response of "Get out of my life now, you vile piece of...."

[Mr. Lucky]

I think you are now in a position where decisions will be made for you

 

Without ascribing any additional motives to the OW, it's not out of the realm of possibility that she might contact the OP's wife before the due date. Were I her and thinking only of myself and child, I might want somethings settled before the birth.

 

eyepeg, at this point it's just about lessening, to whatever degree possible, the pain of those you claim to care about. Do the right thing...

 

Mr. Lucky