Cheating for 2 years and now she's pregnant

[noelle303]

I was asking myself a similar question and have deleted my response to this development four or five times because I'm floored by how how this played out.

 

"Here's the kids we were matched to... One is going to die. Then I realized I wanted a divorce. I thought about staying just until the adoption came though m, but that may take weeks. That's too long."

 

What happened between "I screwed up and don't want to hurt her" and "the first bomb I chucked didn't do enough visible damage so I'm going to throw another one to see if I can make this a real mess"?

 

I know, I was absolutely floored by his description of their health problems and the ''oh well'' sentiment towards it.

 

As for her thinking about the kids - of course she is thinking about these kids. One of them is dying! The OP has obviously demonstrated that he will be just fine.

[ShatteredLady]

Real life isn't always like the movies. People rarely respond the way that you expect them too. Let's have a little example..

 

Mother - "Did you have a nice time tonight?"

 

Adult Son - "Yeh! It was great to see old friends. We had a blast! Thinking of doing it again next week. Night night I love you Mum."

 

Adult son (my brother) then walked into his room & killed himself.

 

When you have countless, nightmarish thoughts bombarding your mind you don't logically lay out every hurt. To believe that after everything that woman has been through she doesn't care about anything but the adoption is naive at best.

 

He will do what he wants to do anyway. It's easier to leave for the OW now. If she hadn't got pregnant his actions may of been different. I hope that he's just presenting himself in this way & it's not a true representation of the complexities that SHOULD be in his mind.

 

The human race never ceases to amaze me. We are capable of such beauty & empathy. Then there are other people....

[stilltrying16]

I am so sorry, Shattered Lady.

[underpants]

I told my wife that I had an affair and that she's pregnant. I didn't tell her how long or any other details. Just that I had an affair with a colleague and she's pregnant.

 

All my wife said was "we just got matched [for adoption, after a 3 year process]" and sat there totally silent and blank. Wouldn't respond to anything I said or acknowledge anything I said.

 

In that moment I realized that I don't want to be married to my wife anymore. We both had a lot of heartache in the infertility and adoption process and what she said just didn't matter anymore. The adoption won't go through now and it doesn't hurt me like it has in the past. I feel bad for my wife but myself, no.

 

She texted me a picture of the two little brothers we got matched to saying "so you know who you're leaving behind". And texted the health problems they have that won't get proper attention in their country. One has a cleft lip and palate and needs surgeries along with speech and swallow therapy, the other won't make it to his 3rd birthday without a heart surgery.

 

That's it, that's all she said when I told her. All she cares about is babies. She won't talk to me now and locked herself in the bedroom.

 

Obviously the timing sucks and I feel bad for that. But the additional factor of the adoption was out of my control. I considered putting off the divorce long enough for the adoption to be finalized but it could be a few weeks or many months to get them. Along with that, I don't know the rules on divorce after adoption and if the kids could be taken back.

 

So, you took the advice and told, good for you. Understand that you will be painted as the bad guy, so prepare yourself for being cast as the villain. A lot of personal triggering happens here.

 

This thread is about you and how to help you.

 

I think it was commendable that you told your wife the truth. Could you have been honest sooner? Yes, but okay.

 

Perhaps all of these events were a catalyst for a necessary change? It is clear there was resentment, heartbreak and pressure involved.

 

Some alternatives could be worse. Kept things a secret, fake reconciliation only to leave years later, secret life only coming to light after decades....all that lifetime movie stuff...

 

Okay, after you told the truth you find out you two were matched. I don't think it takes weeks from that point, but months and sometimes up to a year or more. You would know better.

 

Here is the thing, are you prepared to help your biological child, as well as, cover adoption, insurance, surgical expenses and child support until 18 for 1 on the way and 2 children you just saw a picture of?

 

Going through with an adoption could put you on the hook for all that, and probably more.

 

Does your wife have a means to support herself, a job? Would alimony be added to your new possible monthly expenses?

 

The (white hat) guy might want to, but can you and is it a good idea to go through with an adoption at the same time as a divorce? Even for her?

 

Also if you were both matched and she really wants to go through with it, and she can get approved, she may be able to do it on her own. If she can't (financially) she will face difficulties. It would not be wise to self soothe via adoption if it is not even realistic.

 

If you are sure you want to dissolve this marriage, then please do not have make up sex with your wife. The lighting bolt of karma will impregnate her if only for a laugh from the gods.

 

I would suggest taking a long haul approach to everything. Your finances, assets, and contingency plans. Take all that and seek the advice of a lawyer.

 

Once you have all the facts, have accessed your thoughts and feelings, then come to a final decision and stay the course. Fence sitting and back and forth indecision is soul draining for all involved.

 

Good luck.

[dreamingoftigers]

The wife is the innocent party here, she has done nothing wrong here whatsoever.

Why are you so against her?

I feel I have entered a parallel universe where empathy doesn't seem to exist...

 

I just read last week that acetaminophen reduces the capability for the brain to be able to empathize.

 

I wonder if some people are hopped upnon Tylenol.

[dreamingoftigers]

If my husband told me that he had gotten some woman pregnant after I dealt with 5 years of infertility and right at the time that I found out an adoption was going to happen my first reaction would be the kids too. It would not be jealousy or anything about him (except maybe to plan how to dismember him and scatter the body parts around the house). I sure would not be concerned about losing him. Thats me though.

 

This is a HORRIBLE response.

 

You don't spread the body parts around the house! That's how the smell happens and the neighbours get suspicious!

 

Take a cue from Breaking Bad and do the acid thing.

 

 

Otherwise, yes, what an awful partner on so many levels.

[Mr. Lucky]

But I am absolutely heartbroken for the two little children who are the collateral damage in this and won't get the family and help that they need. Is there any way she can still go through with this as a single parent? Or is there any way to say married legally until the adoption goes through? The children won't be taken back after the divorce.

 

If the OP won't commit to the marriage, doubt he'd want to commit to co-parenting two adopted children with a STBX wife. And even if he was willing, not sure it would be the best idea given the drama to come.

 

Hard to witness, even from afar...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dreamingoftigers]

 

In the 21st century, no one who is intelligent enough to use birth control, need get pregnant.....unless they want to.

 

This is rather misleading.

 

I have no desire to defend the pregnant OW,but to suggest birth control is infallible is both outright false and misleading as to why OW IS pregnant.

 

Let's start with the failure rate of birth control. Condoms, for instance are 95% effective. That doesn't mean 95% for ALL TIME. It means that there is a 1/20 chance of failure EACH TIME a condom is used, compound that over time that failure rate grows.

 

That's why it is suggested that one use multiple forms of birth control.

 

Having just had my son, I saw every week a poster on the wall of the prenatal Doctor: Just over HALF of pregnancies are UNITENDED. And HALF of those are while birth control are used.

 

I know women are "diabolical." But I find it hard to believe that 25% of babies each year are born because a woman is duping a guy into it.

 

(BTW, my son wasn't 'planned' but we both know where babies come from and both welcomed him. No birth control etc.)

[Lady Hamilton]

her choice of words when he told her, i think i was something like: we just go matched (for adoption)

and what he wrote about her sending him pictures of the two to be adopted children, to me that showed that all she cared about was that project and she showed no feelings of jealousy or anger at him for betraying her with another woman, i got the feeling it was more the loss of the adoption than the loss of him that mattered to her. Just what i read from his story:) goodnight

 

She is sending pictures of two kids she already views as hers to her husband in the hopes he'll realize an attachment on some level will keep him.

 

BS's since the invention of photos have sent their WS pictures of their family to get them to realize where their attachments lie.

[wmacbride]

I feel so bad for the op's wife. She sounds like she is shell shocked and it really hasn't quite hit her yet.

 

The op has been having an A for two years. This isn't something that just happened, It has been going on for a long time, and he knew full well what he was doing behind his w's back, all the while she was subjected her body and heart to the pain of infertility, trying to arrange an adoption, likely dreaming together with him about the children they both wanted to have.

 

At any time, he could have said "enough". He could have had a serious talk with her about his feelings about all that they (she) was going through. Rather than do that, 3 years into the process of trying to have a family, he started up an A.

 

I just hope the w can get quick access to counseling and support, as she will need it over the next while. What the op has done to her is atrocious, and while it may not register with him yet, yet, one day it will. One day, when he and his current ow are tied up in the drama of their own situation, he'll hear about his current w having found another man and being happy. I fully expect he'll wistfully look back at the time with her and wonder "what the hell did I do?".

 

By then, she'll have moved on and it will be too late.

[ladydesigner]

The OW hasn't called herself a victim in any of this. Please point out where you are getting that. All she has said is that with the baby, they will be more of a family than he has with his wife.

 

Again, if the OP hadn't gone searching outside his marriage for sexual partners, comments like that would not be possible. No one forced him to cheat for TWO YEARS and get another woman pregnant.

 

OW for sure isn't a victim in this the BS is and I agree it is so stupid when an OW gets pregnant by the MM. Where the F**k was the birth control or condoms? Just pure stupidity on the MM and the OW.

[dreamingoftigers]

OW for sure isn't a victim in this the BS is and I agree it is so stupid when an OW gets pregnant by the MM. Where the F**k was the birth control or condoms? Just pure stupidity on the MM and the OW.

 

I've yet to hear of an affair where they DID use condoms.

 

Impulse-control isn't typically at the center of these things.

[Lady Hamilton]

I've yet to hear of an affair where they DID use condoms.

 

Impulse-control isn't typically at the center of these things.

 

We used condoms for awhile.

 

But we also got pregnant most unexpectedly not too long after he left his marriage for the final time.

 

To this day I literally have exactly no idea how it happened. Not a clue. I didn't trap him, it wasn't a wink, wink "accident," we weren't trying, I was on birth control, and I couldn't tell you anything beyond what is a wild speculation as to how it happened.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

What do I do? Tell my wife everything or just leave and let her figure it out? Stay with my wife and keep hiding it? I don't think my other woman would go for that. Stay with my wife and abandon the child (except financially, obviously)? I don't like that last one, I want kids always have.

 

 

Of course you tell her everything!

 

 

The rule in such situations is:

 

IF there is a realistic chance of the cheated-upon partner finding out through other channels then you tell them first, to avoid their having to find out elsewhere.

 

 

IF there is minimal/no chance of them ever finding out about your cheating, then you don't tell them at all - ever - to spare their feelings.

 

 

(Telling them, in the latter situation, is only the result of your own guilt - so in that case you suck it up and live with what you caused)

 

 

That "right to know" B.S. is only that...

 

 

They have a right to know the next winning lottery number too, to just about the same degree.

[SmartDude]

Hmm, I find it peculiar that more than one person has sugested that the betrayed wife might be in danger of killing herself. Is having children at any cost really morally and mentally sound behavior in the first place? Has any one checked on the rates of human population lateley? It will be THE MAJOR PROBLEM of the 21st century. Maybe people are right to asume that the wife has some hidden problems of her own. Her problems are not her husbands problem, and now perhaps he is just making it final.

 

Maybee the OP was completley unhappy in the marraige. Perhaps the sex life had died down because the wife was only focused on family and children and she had little respect for the reality of a romantic living bond. We don't really know do we? She could have decended into a world of "mommy hell without kids" and just happened to drag the OP into this life with her ghostly clawing skelton hands of death.

[Moxie Lady]

That "right to know" B.S. is only that...

 

They have a right to know the next winning lottery number too, to just about the same degree.

 

Are we really going to go down this road again?

[Dancewithme]

OP, as others have told you, your wife is IN SHOCK.

 

And your epiphany at the moment of your confession, that you didn't want to be married to your wife, sickens me.

 

Was her reaction not the histrionic meltdown you were expecting? Hold on, it may be on its way. All she can talk about is what the adoptees need? Your wife has already identified herself as a mother, and in the face of bad news, a mother's first thoughts are the welfare of her children.

 

You have taken away her life, and ALL of her dreams, and given it to a stranger. Congratulations.

 

What I don't understand, is how, in the face of delivering the most devastating news a wife can receive ( of course, short of death of a loved one), you have no empathy for this woman. None. You just realize you can't be married to her anymore.

 

Please, summon the family and friends, or have one of them come to take your wife back to the family and friends. She needs someone around her her cares about her. You sir, obviously do not.

[ChickiePops]

In OPs initial posts he mentioned that his wife is a victim of the foster care system and has no family. He also mentioned that they recently moved to his hometown and that she has no friends there. So..she really and truly is alone in this. One can only hope that she's a strong enough woman to make it through this horrific betrayal.

 

Also, to the poster who said something about how calm her reaction was..Noid something..are you the pregnant girlfriend?

[eyepeg]

First off, she wanted babies just as much if not more than I did. She didn’t go through the infertility process just for me. I wanted to stop a lot earlier. The only reason we just decided to stop is because we used the last of the embryos last week and her doctor said she needs to give her body a rest.

 

On top of that the cost of treatments and adoption are getting to be a bit much with no end in sight. Having all the embryos gone now makes it feel more final for me as well. Like now I can walk away because we don’t have these “almost children” in the freezer. There is nothing left of us together. And like I said, we just used the last embryos last week so these feeling just appeared. I didn’t feel totally done with my wife for months and just dragged it out.

 

Furthermore, she knew we finally got matched again for at least a few days. Our adoption case worker is not in office Friday-Monday. So she has known since at least Thursday, why wait so long to tell me? She should have been ecstatic about the news. She was the past 2 times that ended up failing (birth mom’s changed their minds).

 

The country that the adoption went through does not allow single parents to adopt unless they are over 30. Technically I could probably stay married until the adoption is finalized but there are issues.

 

1) I would be dragging out the divorce process by 4+ months.

 

2) It could be considered fraud, who knows. We have to sign documents stating everything we previously said is still true. That would be a lie.

 

3) I would be the kids legal father however I am not bonded with them the way she bonded from a picture. Right now I feel it would be easy to just leave her and them together. Perhaps sign the rights away if that’s possible (I know I'd still be on the hook for expenses but she wouldn't want my help). She would not want or need my support. I make around $70K, she’s sitting at $120K and has extremely good benefits. She can support herself very well. But who knows maybe I’d get interested and then attached. I don’t want to have strings attached to my wife if I can help it. Yes, it sucks that these boys need help. But right now they are not my responsibility and there are thousands of kids who need just as much or more medical help.

 

4) Everyone who we have talked to who did international adoption through the same country took about 90 days to get the paperwork finalized. Then you need to stay in the country for 2-3 weeks. Sometimes more. From the people we have talked to, only one parent needs to go but I would have to confirm. If I HAD to go, that would put it right at my “OW’s” end of pregnancy and that’s a no go. I would want to be there for my child’s birth.

 

5) My “OW” probably wouldn’t be happy with me dragging the process out and possibly becoming attached to the two boys.

 

In a perfect world we would separate without reporting it, the legal divorce would wait. My wife would go get her boys. I’d sign over parental rights so she was their sole parent and I’d divorce my wife. My “OW” would have our baby and we’d be together publicly. Everyone would be as happy as possibly in the situation. My wife gets the kids she always wanted, I get mine. Just not with each other. But a perfect world does not exist.

 

In regards to the hate towards my “OW” she did not get pregnant on purpose. It was a big struggle in the beginning if we would even keep it. She JUST got promoted and will be required to work a lot more hours. She did not plot to ruin my marriage. Yes she said some things like I should be with her, she can give me more, etc. But that is well after she got pregnant. And for the record, we used condoms for almost a year. I am the one that initiated stopping, not her.

 

 

My wife still has not said a word to me. My marriage is not a perfect, butterflies, rainbows and unicorns marriage. She completely changed and was hyper-focused on babies and babies only. Constantly searching for things to try and looking up every health problem under the sun to see if “we” (she) could handle it. Our sex life was frequent but only to get pregnant. It had to be at certain times and certain positions and skip certain days, etc, etc. She didn’t want me to drink coffee or play sports. The only time she “jumped” on me was when she was ovulating.

 

Every negative test, every failed adoption and every phone call that wasn’t a “You’re pregnant!” or “You are matched with a child!” was a disappointment for her. The marriage took a back burner, kids were all the mattered.

 

And if you think I didn’t feel the pain and the heartache then you are seriously wrong. If you think I didn’t cry with my wife, then you are wrong. Every time the IVF failed we mourned each of the embryos that could have been. With both failed adoptions it was like loosing your own child. The first birth mother changed her mind at the hospital after my wife held the baby. The second birth mother changed her mind after we had the baby home for a week. Now we have a nursery that is sitting empty in our house. The door hasn’t even been opened in at least a year. It hit me just as hard as it hit my wife.

 

Not everyone puts all of their feelings out there for the world to see, accept that.

Edited May 24, 2016 by eyepeg

[Whoknew30]

First off, she wanted babies just as much if not more than I did. She didn’t go through the infertility process just for me. I wanted to stop a lot earlier. The only reason we just decided to stop is because we used the last of the embryos last week and her doctor said she needs to give her body a rest.

 

On top of that the cost of treatments and adoption are getting to be a bit much with no end in sight. Having all the embryos gone now makes it feel more final for me as well. Like now I can walk away because we don’t have these “almost children” in the freezer. There is nothing left of us together. And like I said, we just used the last embryos last week so these feeling just appeared. I didn’t feel totally done with my wife for months and just dragged it out.

 

Furthermore, she knew we finally got matched again for at least a few days. Our adoption case worker is not in office Friday-Monday. So she has known since at least Thursday, why wait so long to tell me? She should have been ecstatic about the news. She was the past 2 times that ended up failing (birth mom’s changed their minds).

 

The country that the adoption went through does not allow single parents to adopt unless they are over 30. Technically I could probably stay married until the adoption is finalized but there are issues.

 

1) I would be dragging out the divorce process by 4+ months.

 

2) It could be considered fraud, who knows. We have to sign documents stating everything we previously said is still true. That would be a lie.

 

3) I would be the kids legal father however I am not bonded with them the way she bonded from a picture. Right now I feel it would be easy to just leave her and them together. Perhaps sign the rights away if that’s possible (I know I'd still be on the hook for expenses but she wouldn't want my help). She would not want or need my support. I make around $70K, she’s sitting at $120K and has extremely good benefits. She can support herself very well. But who knows maybe I’d get interested and then attached. I don’t want to have strings attached to my wife if I can help it. Yes, it sucks that these boys need help. But right now they are not my responsibility and there are thousands of kids who need just as much or more medical help.

 

4) Everyone who we have talked to who did international adoption through the same country took about 90 days to get the paperwork finalized. Then you need to stay in the country for 2-3 weeks. Sometimes more. From the people we have talked to, only one parent needs to go but I would have to confirm. If I HAD to go, that would put it right at my “OW’s” end of pregnancy and that’s a no go. I would want to be there for my child’s birth.

 

5) My “OW” probably wouldn’t be happy with me dragging the process out and possibly becoming attached to the two boys.

 

In a perfect world we would separate without reporting it, the legal divorce would wait. My wife would go get her boys. I’d sign over parental rights so she was their sole parent and I’d divorce my wife. My “OW” would have our baby and we’d be together publicly. Everyone would be as happy as possibly in the situation. My wife gets the kids she always wanted, I get mine. Just not with each other. But a perfect world does not exist.

 

In regards to the hate towards my “OW” she did not get pregnant on purpose. It was a big struggle in the beginning if we would even keep it. She JUST got promoted and will be required to work a lot more hours. She did not plot to ruin my marriage. Yes she said some things like I should be with her, she can give me more, etc. But that is well after she got pregnant. And for the record, we used condoms for almost a year. I am the one that initiated stopping, not her.

 

 

My wife still has not said a word to me. My marriage is not a perfect, butterflies, rainbows and unicorns marriage. She completely changed and was hyper-focused on babies and babies only. Constantly searching for things to try and looking up every health problem under the sun to see if “we” (she) could handle it. Our sex life was frequent but only to get pregnant. It had to be at certain times and certain positions and skip certain days, etc, etc. She didn’t want me to drink coffee or play sports. The only time she “jumped” on me was when she was ovulating.

 

Every negative test, every failed adoption and every phone call that wasn’t a “You’re pregnant!” or “You are matched with a child!” was a disappointment for her. The marriage took a back burner, kids were all the mattered.

 

And if you think I didn’t feel the pain and the heartache then you are seriously wrong. If you think I didn’t cry with my wife, then you are wrong. Every time the IVF failed we mourned each of the embryos that could have been. With both failed adoptions it was like loosing your own child. The first birth mother changed her mind at the hospital after my wife held the baby. The second birth mother changed her mind after we had the baby home for a week. Now we have a nursery that is sitting empty in our house. The door hasn’t even been opened in at least a year. It hit me just as hard as it hit my wife.

 

Not everyone puts all of their feelings out there for the world to see, accept that.

 

I don't think OW became pregnant on purpose, I believe you wanted to get her pregnant, so you had a tangible reason to leave. No one is debating wether or not you were hurt too or wether one should stay in a marriage they don't want. I think others can even comprehend how that kind of pressure could get someone to the point to cheat but the way you've handled the whole situation is just plain cowardly. You're a coward when things get tough (you're human) but I must ask, how will you handle when it life gets tough again? What, you think having your own child is all roses? No matter what happens, you've proven to yourself that your really bad at handling issues. You need to get yourself help bc if you don't, you'll be running away & screwing up every you touch from this point on. You're your own worst enemy & now you're going to have a little girl looking up to you...get yourself together at least for her!

 

Ironic you're having a girl...when she's born & you look at her for the first time, close your eyes & imagine if she meets a man like you, imagine what you'd feel like seeing her go through what you've put women through. If that doesn't put you in the right direction, you're truly a lost cause. Good luck to you

Edited May 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Quote formatting ~6

[Mycatsnuggles]

Eyepeg - no matter what you do your wife will be hurt by your decision, pretty sure you know this. But you need to make the best decision for yourself, this board is supporting you and your choices. It will hurt her, it is unfair but would it be better to stay with her and resent her for the rest of your life or to give both of you a chance to move forward. It appears as though you both have been through a lot of heart ache and pain over having children, I cannot imagine how painful it was for the BOTH of you.

 

Make your decision and move forward. It appears as though both you and your wife are young, you mentioned she is under 30, there is still plenty of time for her to rearrange her life and have the dream she wants. I am sorry to say but if you stayed together her bubble would always have a dent in it. Let her go, support her as best you can but let her go.

[wmacbride]

op,

I re-read your first post. Please note the following points you made in it:

 

"I've been married to my wife for 6 years, together for 13 years total. We were "high school sweethearts" and for a long time it was great. Then I got bored and regretted not spending my youth dating more. "

 

This doesn't jive with your story now where you are blaming your wife for your A by saying she has been too "baby focused".

 

Stop making excuses and really assess the situation for what it really is. You were bored, and decided to have an A. You let your wife put herself through hell , all the while you had your ow on the side. You

let your wife bond with babies and children should could potentially adopt, all while having an A, all while, according to you, you were unhappy.

 

You decided to stop using condoms when sleeping with your ow, all the while you were still having sex with your W with what you say was the end goal of having a child with your wife. You potentially exposed your wife and possible future child to std's- you had no way of knowing if your ow was only sleeping with you, and even you say you required a paternity test before accepting the pregnancy was yours.

 

You decided to stop using condoms, all while knowing that your ow could get pregnant while you were trying to have a child with your wife.

 

Start taking some responsibility for yourself and your choices, and stop trying to blame them on someone else. You are going to be a father now. Time to grow up.

 

What are you going to do a few years down the road when your daughter is a toddler who needs a lot of care and your "so damn sexy" ( as you put it) ow is focused on child care, is tired, is wearing her comfy around the house clothes, is tired at the end of a long day caring for your child, as is to be expected with a mother.

 

What will you do when you start to get bored and regret jumping form one relationship to another without sowing a few more wild oats between them? What will happen some day at work when you are feeling a bit neglected by your current ow and you start talking with a new woman who is " so damn sexy"?

 

I know I am giving you a hard time, but you are going to be a father in a few months to a daughter who is going to be dependent on you to provide her first role model of what men are like. You don't exactly have a lot of time to sort all of this out.

[Liam1]

 

 

 

My marriage is not a perfect, butterflies, rainbows and unicorns marriage. She completely changed and was hyper-focused on babies and babies only. Constantly searching for things to try and looking up every health problem under the sun to see if “we” (she) could handle it. Our sex life was frequent but only to get pregnant. It had to be at certain times and certain positions and skip certain days, etc, etc. She didn’t want me to drink coffee or play sports. The only time she “jumped” on me was when she was ovulating.

 

Every negative test, every failed adoption and every phone call that wasn’t a “You’re pregnant!” or “You are matched with a child!” was a disappointment for her. The marriage took a back burner, kids were all the mattered.

 

No marriage is unicorns and rainbows. All marriages at some time take a back burner to other personal issues in someone's life.

 

I would think long and hard about marrying someone simply because she became pregnant.

 

An affair is NOT a real relationship. It definitely can not be compared to a marriage.

 

The fact is that only 3 percent of marriages born of affairs last for the long haul.

 

It is easy to think you love someone else more, when your marriage hits a rough spot and the AP is all eager to please. But when you are married I assure you things will change and your affair partner will now be a wife.

 

And if you think I didn’t feel the pain and the heartache then you are seriously wrong. If you think I didn’t cry with my wife, then you are wrong. Every time the IVF failed we mourned each of the embryos that could have been. With both failed adoptions it was like loosing your own child. The first birth mother changed her mind at the hospital after my wife held the baby. The second birth mother changed her mind after we had the baby home for a week. Now we have a nursery that is sitting empty in our house. The door hasn’t even been opened in at least a year. It hit me just as hard as it hit my wife.

 

Not everyone puts all of their feelings out there for the world to see, accept that.

I believe you are in pain and desperately want a child. But your wife was also in pain.

 

My wife still has not said a word to me

You are aware that this response is rooted in profound shock, right?

 

You have stated that your wife, a childhood sweetheart was a foster child.

 

That means she likely has abandonment issues. Now you are abandoning her.

 

Please let her down very gently. Do not simply walk away.

 

She is likely very emotionally fragile right now. If you ever loved her, you need to take care of her now, emotionally, even if you choose to divorce.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Just in case the obvious is not obvious to you.

 

If you think your marriage life was baby-focused before........it is about to become a 24 hour a day focus in a few months.

 

Hopefully you can get to a place where you can see that everyone is in this drama laden situation due to your own poor coping/communication/thought processes.

 

No matter the mental gymnastics you use/d.....there is simply no justification for how callously you have treated your wife's emotional well being.

[ChickiePops]

Your wife probably didn't tell you about the boys for a few days because she was petrified that they'd get taken away again.

 

As another poster said, yes infertility is painful for both people..but you handled it in the absolute worst and cruelest way possible. What you've done to your wife is horrific and you need to understand that so you can garner a bit of empathy for her. She is now losing her potential adoptive children for the third time, as well as her husband, as well as the dream of having a family with you in the future. She feels like a failure for not being able to give you children and she feels humiliated..shamed to her shoes..that you were able to impregnate another woman. She's also embarrassed and hurt that you chose another woman over her.

 

Your wife is in hell right now and YOU put her there. She does not owe you anything at all at this point, and that includes conversation.