They Always Come Back..

[Jatli]

Positivemale

 

I took him back because I truly love him. I forgave him and it is what it is. Now does that mean I will just let him walk all over me and do it again? Not a chance. He got this one chance back if he does it again I am done and he knows this.

 

I may love him but I will not hesitate to say goodbye should he even consider it again.

 

I think in our situation I have known him since I was 18 (over 30 years). We were kind of friends for a long time before we started dating. We never hung out together but we would run into each other over the years and chat. When we started dating it was like a wave hit us. He even said to me after the first week. Where have you been for 12 years. It was very intense and a really good relationship for 4 years and then something happend that made him derail. I still don't know what it was and really don't want to.

 

Crap happens and I am a very forgiving kind of person. I don't let too much get me down. I am pretty level headed and calm. People tell me I am too sweet. I never yell or get angry, just not who I am. But I will not let people walk over me either. If people do me wrong then I just omit them from my life and that is it.

 

It takes a lot but once your gone from my life your gone. I have lots of friends and don't do drama.

 

So yes I forgave him but it is not the same relationship as it was. Not yet anyway. I am taking it very slow.

[AMJ]

Wait, why don't you like Laura anymore? You've known exactly what you've wanted since you "were a child" and she is that perfect person you say, but not anymore?

 

Is it because she rejected you when you were 16, seriously? Or is it that you're attracted to a different type of person now?

[positivemale]

Wait, why don't you like Laura anymore? You've known exactly what you've wanted since you "were a child" and she is that perfect person you say, but not anymore?

 

Is it because she rejected you when you were 16, seriously? Or is it that you're attracted to a different type of person now?

 

It's not that I don't want her. It's just hard entering a serious relationship after getting cheated on. I want my time alone now to focus on myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm over my ex. I'm just guarded now.

 

She's still an awesome person. I just want a fresh start with someone new.

[positivemale]

I actually agree with you In my experience, several of my exes wanted to come back. These relationships were 3-4 years long, so we got to know each other well, the pink clouds of the honeymoon phase was well over.

That's when the breakups occurred, maybe because of the lack of excitement ? Who knows ? Sometimes a new, exciting person came along and the temptation was hard to resist.

 

I think if I make a positive lasting impression of how I cared for them, loved them and what kind of person you really are (hopefully great)....by "setting the bar high".... there is a potential that all these traits will be missed by your ex especially if their new partner is "not up to par" ....

NOT necessarily but possibly.

 

One of my ex broke up with me after 4 years for someone else, he wanted to come back after 7 and 13 !! years......I was not interested, I was already married to someone else.

After the passionate honemoon phase was over, they have seen each other more clearly, some inhibited traits got revealed and they started to not liking each other.

I wonder if he had wanted to come back if their relationship wouldn't have crumbled.

I appreciated his honesty.... and it did boost my ego a bit that instead of looking for someone new, he was thinking that our time together wasn't a waste of time, it was actually meaningful and nice.

 

So I agree, there is a definite possibility that exes reappear in your life, but by that time (because all that hurt they caused ) not an inch of you want them back.

Sometimes breakups occur over something silly, or bad timing ( being too young/immature).

In a couple of years later you end up regretting your decision of breaking up with someone not knowing how precious that person was until you lose them. Taking them for granted at times ....then it's too late.

Every case is different though because all relationships are different.

 

Love this! Thanks for sharing your story.

 

That's exactly what I wanted to show the people here. If anyone's ex is going to come back, they come back YEARS later.

 

Why do they come back years later? Well, they need experience to see your worth and compare you to others. And guess what, those things take time. A lot of time.

 

Any ex who comes back in a few months, you will always end up breaking up again. This is because the issues for the relationship are most likely not fixed. You need time and space to make reconciliation work.

 

But when they do come back, you're most likely not even going to care or give them a chance because you've moved on and will never get over the hurt they put you through (very few will take them back).

[positivemale]

Positivemale

 

I took him back because I truly love him. I forgave him and it is what it is. Now does that mean I will just let him walk all over me and do it again? Not a chance. He got this one chance back if he does it again I am done and he knows this.

 

I may love him but I will not hesitate to say goodbye should he even consider it again.

 

I think in our situation I have known him since I was 18 (over 30 years). We were kind of friends for a long time before we started dating. We never hung out together but we would run into each other over the years and chat. When we started dating it was like a wave hit us. He even said to me after the first week. Where have you been for 12 years. It was very intense and a really good relationship for 4 years and then something happend that made him derail. I still don't know what it was and really don't want to.

 

Crap happens and I am a very forgiving kind of person. I don't let too much get me down. I am pretty level headed and calm. People tell me I am too sweet. I never yell or get angry, just not who I am. But I will not let people walk over me either. If people do me wrong then I just omit them from my life and that is it.

 

It takes a lot but once your gone from my life your gone. I have lots of friends and don't do drama.

 

So yes I forgave him but it is not the same relationship as it was. Not yet anyway. I am taking it very slow.

 

I hope your new relationship works out! All the best!

 

You have a really big heart.

[avenal]

There are very few cases when it does work (both managed to keep things friendly, no abuse, timing issues, both still single, etc).

 

That being said,

 

1. They almost never come back.

 

Boomerang relationships are very common though.

[basil67]

Why do they come back years later? Well, they need experience to see your worth and compare you to others. And guess what, those things take time. A lot of time.

 

This is where I come to grief with your theory. What you say above is a very egotistical point of view. To think that we are better than anyone else the ex could possibly ever date is nothing short of delusional.

 

Most times, we leave someone because they aren't a great partner for us. Seeing new people who are better partners just confirms that we made the right choice.

[positivemale]

This is where I come to grief with your theory. What you say above is a very egotistical point of view. To think that we are better than anyone else the ex could possibly ever date is nothing short of delusional.

 

Most times, we leave someone because they aren't a great partner for us. Seeing new people who are better partners just confirms that we made the right choice.

 

The grass is never greener on the other side, it's only greener where you water it. The divorce rate isn't 50% for a reason. It's because people don't understand that "finding someone better" doesn't always work. In fact, it usually doesn't. I've read COUNTLESS stories on loveshack where it took 1 - 5+ years for a GIGS ex to return. It's very possible and it does happen.

 

Time, space, no contact and experience make an ex realize your worth and it gives them good space to think about you. So many people throw away a good thing or they think they're unhappy, but as time goes on, they say "omg, I actually was happy and I didn't know it". Come on, one thing we should know about girls is that they can't makeup their mind about anything. What they say today can change tomorrow. Females are REACTIONARY. They act on the moment and don't look at the bigger picture/long term. Guys are more in tune with their thoughts. When a guy is done, they really are DONE. When a girl is done, they are just done for the moment (if and only if you know how to play your cards right)

 

Like I said, if it's GIGS, a lot of them come back. If it wasn't GIGS related, they probably will never.

Edited May 19, 2016 by positivemale

[Emaize3]

Very true, as I'm with an ex now after 1 1/2 years apart or so. He was the one that thought GIGS and realized I was the one for him all along. Time and space does make a difference. Now he wants to marry me and he's taking me ring shopping. So, it can happen and it can be the "man" in the relationship that isn't always done.

[positivemale]

Very true, as I'm with an ex now after 1 1/2 years apart or so. He was the one that thought GIGS and realized I was the one for him all along. Time and space does make a difference. Now he wants to marry me and he's taking me ring shopping. So, it can happen and it can be the "man" in the relationship that isn't always done.

 

Would love to hear the full story.

 

By the way, congratulations on reconciling!

[PrettyEmily77]

Boomerang relationships are very common though.

 

They may be common (that's relative anyway but let's not get into a debate over stats that don't exist), but it's doesn't mean it's a good idea.

 

In my circle of friends / family (a very small sample set, admittedly), the number of exes who successfully got back together is 0.

 

Some had one-sided attempts (out of loneliness, guilt, late eureka moment, pride, selfishness) but in most cases, they were either rejected because the other one moved on (time and space do that to people) or they tried and failed. Happened to me - got back together with a paranoid, jealous ex on the futile promise he'd changed; lasted 3 months.

 

The ex may sometimes come back, but if it's for the wrong reason (this forum alone is a perfect source of stories of exes who come back for all the wrong reasons), it's just not worth it.

[Emaize3]

Hi positivemale. My story is a little crazy. I actually had another ex not that long ago (after my reconciling ex whom I'm with now again). I think my thread is called "so much pain" from January. I thought that guy was my soulmate!! And he turned around and dumped me. Basically, I've been looking for the real deal- a loving real commitment. I have 3 teens which have gotten in the way as far as men go. That was the problem with all my exs. Soooo, now I'm with my previous ex. We were together for 5 years. I never wanted to be with him again and vice versa. We started talking casually after my last break up and we fell hard for me!! We have a history and he doesn't care about any trials, he wants me! I want everything he can give me- finally! But I am scared. Even if he was someone new, id be scared. I'm always scared. I've been hurt over and over. It's really exciting thinking of the future now though. I'm 47 so I'm no spring chicken. I raised my kids by myself and I really want to settle down. So, that's it in a nutshell. But he did say that he thought GIGS and it's not! We're both done being on the market again, and again...

[positivemale]

They may be common (that's relative anyway but let's not get into a debate over stats that don't exist), but it's doesn't mean it's a good idea.

 

In my circle of friends / family (a very small sample set, admittedly), the number of exes who successfully got back together is 0.

 

Some had one-sided attempts (out of loneliness, guilt, late eureka moment, pride, selfishness) but in most cases, they were either rejected because the other one moved on (time and space do that to people) or they tried and failed. Happened to me - got back together with a paranoid, jealous ex on the futile promise he'd changed; lasted 3 months.

 

The ex may sometimes come back, but if it's for the wrong reason (this forum alone is a perfect source of stories of exes who come back for all the wrong reasons), it's just not worth it.

 

YES! Love this response. This is what I'm trying to prove. You worded it perfectly.

 

When an ex comes back (which is most likely YEARS later if your relationship was at least 2 years long and you were a good person with a good heart, and didn't cheat/abuse), by the time they come back, you are moved on.

 

That's why:

Do people come back? Yes

Does reconciliation happen? Yes

Are reconciliation typically successful? No (because time and space made the dumpee move on, and it made the dumper reflect back and realize they were happy)

[positivemale]

Hi positivemale. My story is a little crazy. I actually had another ex not that long ago (after my reconciling ex whom I'm with now again). I think my thread is called "so much pain" from January. I thought that guy was my soulmate!! And he turned around and dumped me. Basically, I've been looking for the real deal- a loving real commitment. I have 3 teens which have gotten in the way as far as men go. That was the problem with all my exs. Soooo, now I'm with my previous ex. We were together for 5 years. I never wanted to be with him again and vice versa. We started talking casually after my last break up and we fell hard for me!! We have a history and he doesn't care about any trials, he wants me! I want everything he can give me- finally! But I am scared. Even if he was someone new, id be scared. I'm always scared. I've been hurt over and over. It's really exciting thinking of the future now though. I'm 47 so I'm no spring chicken. I raised my kids by myself and I really want to settle down. So, that's it in a nutshell. But he did say that he thought GIGS and it's not! We're both done being on the market again, and again...

 

Good luck! I hope it works out and he treats you how you DESERVE to be treated.

[Emaize3]

Thank you positivemale!

[Simon Phoenix]

Females are REACTIONARY. They act on the moment and don't look at the bigger picture/long term. Guys are more in tune with their thoughts.

 

If anything, I think it's the opposite, at least from my experiences with reconciliation with myself and others and certainly from reading this board over the years. I've seen many more guys boomerang back to girls they've dumped than vice versa for a variety of reasons, mostly a) lack of options compared to the woman they've dumped and b) a lesser emotional support system compared to women. Have I seen girls resurface before? Sure, but less than guys.

 

I think females are emotional as a whole, but they are also more in-tune with said emotions than men. Therefore when they get to the emotional place where they are ready to cut bait, a lot of them have no interest in looking back.

[ExpatInItaly]

If anything, I think it's the opposite, at least from my experiences with reconciliation with myself and others and certainly from reading this board over the years. I've seen many more guys boomerang back to girls they've dumped than vice versa for a variety of reasons, mostly a) lack of options compared to the woman they've dumped and b) a lesser emotional support system compared to women. Have I seen girls resurface before? Sure, but less than guys.

 

I think females are emotional as a whole, but they are also more in-tune with said emotions than men. Therefore when they get to the emotional place where they are ready to cut bait, a lot of them have no interest in looking back.

 

I agree, speaking from my own experience. I have had some longer-term relationships that ended without dramatics, but I have no interest in re-visiting. I knew there wasn't a future with those particular guys, so we ended it. They were most certainly not impulse decisions. We went our separate ways years ago. I realize that not all women are like me, but concur that when my feelings had died, they were 6 feet under.

 

Those who do end things on a whim probably are more likely to go back, and that goes for both sexes.

 

Speaking in absolutes about the genders, relationships and break-ups only suggests a lack of real experience and knowledge, from my point of view. There are definitely kernels of truth in there, but it's not as black-and-white as OP believes unfortunately. Granted, I probably thought the same thing when I was younger and less experienced too!

[justagrl07]

Hey Loveshackers! I actually was lurking loveshack last year after going through my first breakup with a 5 year relationship (it was GIGS in every aspect, basically got cheated on/left for another man, ex started a new lifestyle/partied, etc.) I'm over it and that's not why I am posting.

 

I am basically posting a story here because I was absolutely devastated over my breakup, that I promised myself if any good story comes up in my life that I would come back to loveshack and post it. I owe it to you all who helped me through my first breakup []

 

Anyways, enough rambling, here's my story:

 

Before my GIGS ex, I liked this girl (lets call her Laura) when I was in the 11th grade. We were great friends for about a year and I was slowly falling in love with Laura. One day, Laura's sister (I was close friends with her too) asked me if I like Laura because she felt like something was up. I was stupid and told her I did.

 

After that, Laura pretty much ran away from me. She wouldn't answer my messages, my texts, and disappeared. Eventually she cracked and we had a talk. She told me she didn't like me like that and will never see me in that way. I was pretty devastated because I'm not a type of person who falls in love easily. I've known what I wanted ever since I was a child (as crazy as that may sound) and I would not settle for anything less. She checked everything off my list.

 

Anyways, as you can imagine, things got awkward after that and we slowly drifted apart. I mean, I tried to maintain a friendship, but it was just weird after she knew I had feelings for her.

 

Basically, we cut contact and rarely spoke. I mean maybe she sent me a "Hey how are you doing" message once every 2 years for about 6 years.

 

Fast forward to recently (about a month ago), I change my facebook picture and she comments "Wow you should be a model, looking great! I miss you!" And throughout the month, she was acting real needy and liking and commenting on so many of my vacation photos of when I went to New York City.

 

Then after that she messages me on facebook asking for my phone number. And guess what: she's pursuing me, flirting with me via text, and wants to take ME out on dates (I'm a guy by the way). I actually saw her sister on campus too (we go to the same college) and I was talking about if she can set me up with someone because I'm ready to date after what my crazy GIGS ex put me through, and she kept saying I should date Laura. Funny how those tables turn right? Coming from a girl who completely ignored me and said she will never see me that way to now realizing what she lost.

 

You know what I found even more funny, I turned down all of her dates and made an excuse as to why I can't make it to each one.

 

 

To all you loveshackers who are sitting on the forums looking for some hope, here are some lessons you all need to take from this:

- When a female says they are "done" with you, they really only mean they are done with you for the moment and anything can change in the future (as long as you're a good person and didn't cheat/abuse them)

- No contact/limited contact is the only way someone can really see your worth and gain perspective about you. Time and space is all you need if you want someone back. If you stay friends with an ex or try to contact them, then you literally have zero to no chance of getting your ex back. Girls for the most part crave attention, so when you go no contact, you're taking that away. If you shower your ex with attention, you're actually being counter-productive. You think that if you can just show her how you feel, you're sure she'll come back! You're actually pushing her away.

- They always come back. For me, it took about 6 years. This is probably because my GIGS ex lasted for 5 years, so I'm assuming if I was single, she would have came back earlier. Maybe she was waiting for me and my GIGS ex to break up and to jump right in. I have no idea because I've got a lot of women who didn't even think about me twice in high school all of a sudden messaging me when they found out I was single (women confuse me, haha!)

- Don't chase. Focus on yourself, be a good person, be a confident person, focus on being successful, and keep bettering yourself, and you will attract people into your life.

- The tables always turn.

- Karma always comes around - I was devastated before that she friendzoned me, now she's devastated that I friendzoned her.

- If you're waiting for your ex to come back: DON'T. Listen, by the time your ex comes back, you're honestly probably not going to care and you'll be moved on. Laura was never my ex, but the fact that I don't even care about her dates she's offering to take me on shows that when they come back, you'll be moved on.

- They come back too late.

- If you are holding out hope for your ex to return, it's probably going to be in a few years from now. So stop wasting your time on loveshack and get out there and enjoy your life! You attract what you are ready for. Never forget that.

 

If you have any questions, I'll feel free to answer them. Just leave them below. I learned quite a lot about breakups/relationships during this past year. Also, if you guys want me to post everything that happened with my GIGS ex, I can do it too. I'm sure I'll come back to loveshack a few years from now and post how she came back too.

 

 

I second that! They do come back! My ex came back after G.I.G.S, as well!

[positivemale]

I second that! They do come back! My ex came back after G.I.G.S, as well!

 

Can you please give me the full story, your ages, timeline, did you ex just not have a care for the world/selfish, etc.

[positivemale]

If anything, I think it's the opposite, at least from my experiences with reconciliation with myself and others and certainly from reading this board over the years. I've seen many more guys boomerang back to girls they've dumped than vice versa for a variety of reasons, mostly a) lack of options compared to the woman they've dumped and b) a lesser emotional support system compared to women. Have I seen girls resurface before? Sure, but less than guys.

 

I think females are emotional as a whole, but they are also more in-tune with said emotions than men. Therefore when they get to the emotional place where they are ready to cut bait, a lot of them have no interest in looking back.

 

A female will ONLY look back if you have a good heart, are kind, ambitious, not needy, confident, and genuinely a good guy. If you always fought with your ex or abused her, she's never coming back. You have to be a good person for them to come back. Most people aren't.

 

And I completely disagree. There are more females who come back than males if they deal with the breakup properly Problem is, most guys ruin their chances of them coming back because they don't leave a good last impression.

[positivemale]

I agree, speaking from my own experience. I have had some longer-term relationships that ended without dramatics, but I have no interest in re-visiting. I knew there wasn't a future with those particular guys, so we ended it. They were most certainly not impulse decisions. We went our separate ways years ago. I realize that not all women are like me, but concur that when my feelings had died, they were 6 feet under.

 

Those who do end things on a whim probably are more likely to go back, and that goes for both sexes.

 

Speaking in absolutes about the genders, relationships and break-ups only suggests a lack of real experience and knowledge, from my point of view. There are definitely kernels of truth in there, but it's not as black-and-white as OP believes unfortunately. Granted, I probably thought the same thing when I was younger and less experienced too!

 

Every situation is different. But when it's GIGS related (I posted a few pages back the 6 factors that comprise GIGS), most come back. I've seen it time and time and time again. In real life and on forums. You know what attracted all these girls back into my life: success, my kind heart, and my gentle spirit. Before they had no feelings, but now they are trying to spark something. Girls are all a game and are opportunistic beings. Trust me.

Edited May 19, 2016 by positivemale

[Simon Phoenix]

A female will ONLY look back if you have a good heart, are kind, ambitious, not needy, confident, and genuinely a good guy. If you always fought with your ex or abused her, she's never coming back. You have to be a good person for them to come back. Most people aren't.

 

And I completely disagree. There are more females who come back than males if they deal with the breakup properly Problem is, most guys ruin their chances of them coming back because they don't leave a good last impression.

 

Yeah, we're going to have to agree to disagree on the latter because virtually everything I've seen in my real life and read on sites like these contradicts your statement. And I don't think most male dumpees are abusers or constant fighters. I will agree that how a male acts post-breakup is more damning than how a female acts. Females get a longer rope because they are expected to be more emotional due to societal norms.

[positivemale]

Yeah, we're going to have to agree to disagree on the latter because virtually everything I've seen in my real life and read on sites like these contradicts your statement. And I don't think most male dumpees are abusers or constant fighters. I will agree that how a male acts post-breakup is more damning than how a female acts. Females get a longer rope because they are expected to be more emotional due to societal norms.

 

Do this and you will attract ANY female back in your life:

 

Now a woman's "spidey senses" are 1,000 times better than mine. Women can spot a man with the above "qualities" a mile away. They find them unappealing and are not attracted to them.

 

My advice / "The Secret"

 

1. Get your self-worth, self-esteem, self-image, confidence, "mojo", identity, validation, approval, etc. from within.

 

2. Have a life / adventure / passions / goals / dreams / etc. that are your own and that you actively pursue instead of trying to make a woman your EVERYTHING.

 

3. Character, integrity, security, values, morals, sense of humor, sense of adventure, fun, confidence, respect, leadership, etc. play a major role / influence (much more than looks) on who women are attracted too, date, enter into relationships with, fall in love with and marry.

 

4. Be yourself.

 

5. Invite a woman to share and take part in your life / adventure / passions / goals / dreams / etc.

 

Once you learn and do all of that, you will have my kind of success.

[Simon Phoenix]

Do this and you will attract ANY female back in your life:

 

Now a woman's "spidey senses" are 1,000 times better than mine. Women can spot a man with the above "qualities" a mile away. They find them unappealing and are not attracted to them.

 

My advice / "The Secret"

 

1. Get your self-worth, self-esteem, self-image, confidence, "mojo", identity, validation, approval, etc. from within.

 

2. Have a life / adventure / passions / goals / dreams / etc. that are your own and that you actively pursue instead of trying to make a woman your EVERYTHING.

 

3. Character, integrity, security, values, morals, sense of humor, sense of adventure, fun, confidence, respect, leadership, etc. play a major role / influence (much more than looks) on who women are attracted too, date, enter into relationships with, fall in love with and marry.

 

4. Be yourself.

 

5. Invite a woman to share and take part in your life / adventure / passions / goals / dreams / etc.

 

Once you learn and do all of that, you will have my kind of success.

 

I wasn't looking for a "get your ex back" guide dude, but thanks. No need to be preachy.

[positivemale]

I wasn't looking for a "get your ex back" guide dude, but thanks. No need to be preachy.

 

I'm just saying. If you wanted your ex back (which you probably did at one point if you have a loveshack account), if you did what was told above, you would have got all your exes come back.